Living Single (1993–1998): Season 4, Episode 11 - Riot on the Set - full transcript
KYLE, WHEN I LOG OFF FROM
THE HANDYMAN WEBSITE
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO FILL
IN THAT GROOVE YOU MAKING.
OVERTON, MAN, IN A FEW MINUTES
I'M GOING TO BE FACE‐TO‐FACE
WITH AN AUDITOR FROM THE I. R. S.
LET ME WALK A FEW MORE
MOMENTS AS A FREE MAN.
COME ON, MAN. STOP TRIPPIN'.
I MEAN, YOU GOT
NOTHING TO BE GUILTY OF...
DO YOU?
OF COURSE NOT, MAN
BUT THE JAILS, THEY ARE
FULL OF INNOCENT MEN
AND THE BIG, STRONG GUILTY MEN
WHO TRADE THEM FOR CIGARETTES.
HONESTLY, KYLE
WHAT DO YOU THINK
THEY GOT ON YOU?
OVERTON, LAST YEAR
I DEDUCTED 596
BUSINESS LUNCHES, MAN.
FIVE HUNDRED NINETY‐SIX?
THAT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM
UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE GUY
KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT A CALENDAR.
IT'S ALL LEGIT.
I SET UP THREE BUSINESS LUNCHES
AT ONE RESTAURANT AND
BY THE TIME THEY'RE OVER
I HAVE A FULL BELLY
AND A FAT COMMISSION.
AW, MAN, JUST QUIT TRIPPIN'.
I MEAN, HOW'S SOME
GOVERNMENT DRONE
GOING TO COMPETE
WITH A FINANCIAL
WIZARD LIKE YOURSELF?
THAT'D BE LIKE ALFRED
KICKING BATMAN'S ASS.
YOU KNOW, OVERTON
THE IMAGE OF THE I. R. S. AGENT
AS A FEDERAL NERD IN
GLASSES IS A MYTH, MAN.
YOU KNOW, THEY NAILED CAPONE.
LOOK, THEY ARE HIT
MEN WITH CALCULATORS.
I'M TELLING YOU.
OH! UH. GOOD DAY.
I'M AGENT DIPPLE,
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.
OH... SUGAR!
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL STANDING
TO MY LEFT AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
ALL RIGHT, NOW, SYNCLAIRE
JUST FOR FUN, TRY
NOT TO TIP US OFF
ABOUT THE KIND OF
HAND YOU'VE GOT.
OKAY.
JUST CALL ME "POKER FACE."
YEAH!
I FOLD.
I'M OUT.
ME TOO.
I WIN.
MARY MARIE PLAZA.
HEY!
REGINE, MAX THIS IS MARY MARIE.
PLAZA.
SHE DIRECTED THAT
"HOOCHIE HOEDOWN" VIDEO
WE SAW LAST WEEK.
CATCHY TUNE, BUT EVEN I WOULDN'T
MILK A COW IN A THONG, YOU KNOW.
KHADIJAH, I'M HERE TO THANK YOU.
YOUR THOUGHT‐PROVOKING INTERVIEW
MADE ME REALIZE I COULDN'T
BRING MYSELF TO DIRECT
ONE MORE FLESH‐PEDDLING VIDEO.
OH, WHAT, YOU FOUND A NEW WAY
TO SET BACK THE WOMEN'S
MOVEMENT ANOTHER CENTURY?
NO!
I HAVE A NOBLER ASPIRATION.
YOU'RE ALL INVITED
TO THE OPENING
OF MY OFF‐OFF BROADWAY
DIRECTING DEBUT‐‐
A REVIVAL OF "THE
CALLING HOURS."
AN AMERICAN CLASSIC.
ISN'T THAT PLAY ABOUT A FUNERAL?
IF I WANTED TO SPEND
AN HOUR AND A HALF
WITH A DECAYING CORPSE,
I'D INVITE KYLE TO DINNER.
YOU KNOW, I SAW
"THE CALLING HOURS"
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
MAN, THAT PLAY CHANGED MY LIFE.
REALLY?
MM‐HMM.
I MEAN, FOR HOURS,
THOSE ACTRESSES WEPT
WITHOUT ONE CASE
OF RACCOON EYES?
HONEY, ON THAT DAY, I
DISCOVERED WATERPROOF MASCARA.
MAY I USE YOUR PHONE?
YEAH. KITCHEN.
Synclaire: WOW. "THE
CALLING HOURS."
I MUST HAVE DONE THAT
PLAY A HUNDRED TIMES.
WHEN?
AS AN USHER AT
THE YOUTH THEATER.
YOU KNOW, TO THIS DAY, WHEN
I WALK ACROSS A STICKY FLOOR
I GET MISTY.
STAY OUT OF PUBLIC REST ROOMS
AND MAX'S KITCHEN
AND YOU BE ALL RIGHT.
MAYBE MARY MARIE
NEEDS AN UNDERSTUDY.
OKAY, I GOT TO GET MY
HEADSHOT, MY RESUME
MY DEMO TAPE... YOU
DON'T HAVE A DEMO TAPE.
GOOD POINT.
MAX, YOU GET THE CAMCORDER.
KHADIJAH, HAVE YOU
SEEN MY "ANNIE" WIG?
UH... NOW, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.
LOOK, YOU NOT GOING
TO SCORE POINTS
BY BEING YOUR USUAL,
OVEREAGER SELF.
NAME ONE TIME WHEN
I WAS OVEREAGER.
WHEN YOU TACKLED
JAMES EARL JONES
OUTSIDE LINCOLN CENTER.
HE WAS RUNNING
A LITTLE TOO FAST.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
THE ACTRESS I CAST AS
SHIRLEEN JUST UP AND QUIT.
SHE GOT A ROLE IN
SHOWGIRLS: PART II, SHOW MORE.
SO YOU NEED ANOTHER ACTRESS
WHO KNOWS ALL THE LINES
AND COULD GET OUT OF HER JOB
AS A RECEPTIONIST LIKE THAT.
SYNCLAIRE, YOU TELL
HER YOU WANT THAT PART.
BEFORE I SLAP THE
HELL OUT OF YOU.
MARY, MARY, I'M AN ACTRESS
AND I KNOW THAT PART.
MARY MARIE!
PLAZA.
THANK YOU.
DO YOU REALLY KNOW
THE ROLE OF SHIRLEEN?
OH! OH! OH! I KNOW EVERY LINE!
PLUS, I COULD HAND OUT PROGRAMS
PARK THE CARS AND
SCRAPE THE GUM OFF A SEAT
LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS.
THIS IS KISMET!
KHADIJAH'S ARTICLE FREES ME
FROM MY SELF‐IMPOSED MISERY
AND KHADIJAH'S COUSIN
DRIVES ME TOWARD MY GOAL!
COME, COME WITH MARY
MARIE PLAZA RIGHT NOW.
WE HAVE TO START REHEARSAL.
YES, OF COURSE.
OH, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
I'M FULFILLING A DREAM I'VE HAD
SINCE I WAS 16.
SIXTEEN, HUH?
UNTIL THEN, SHE WANTED TO
BE ONE OF SANTA'S HELPERS.
UH‐HUH.
OH!
UH‐HUH.
UH‐HUH.
WHAT? WHAT?
MR. BARKER, IN MY
SEVEN YEARS AT THE I. R. S.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
WAIT, I ASSURE YOU
I DIDN'T DEDUCT
ANY OF THOSE ITEMS.
OH, NO, NO.
NO, I WAS ADMIRING.
IN A SINGLE DAY, YOU PURCHASED
AN ARABIAN SILK CAMISOLE,
DINNER AT JEZEBEL'S
AND A NIGHTCAP AT
THE FOUR SEASONS
WHERE YOU RESERVED
THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE?
AH, YES, TRINITY NIGHT.
IT INVOLVED THREE
DIFFERENT WOMEN
AND THE EXPERIENCE
WAS DEFINITELY RELIGIOUS.
THREE WOMEN IN ONE DAY.
YEAH.
IF I HAD ONE‐THIRD
OF YOUR SUCCESS...
STOP TORTURING YOURSELF, DIPPLE.
OKAY.
I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING
YOU'RE NOT A MAGNET
FOR THE LADIES.
CAN I CONFIDE IN YOU?
ONLY IF I CAN LEAF
THROUGH A MAGAZINE
WHILE YOU DO IT.
THERE IS A WAITRESS NAMED MONA
AT THE FEDERAL BUILDING
AND EVERY TIME I GO IN
FOR COFFEE, I ASK HER OUT
AND SHE PLOPS DOWN A BEARCLAW
AND TURNS HER BACK ON ME
AND WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BACK IT IS.
OKAY, WELL, EXACTLY WHAT AMOROUS
OVERTURES HAVE YOU EMPLOYED?
OH.
WELL, I‐I‐I USUALLY
SAY SOMETHING LIKE
"I BET YOU'RE A SHORT‐FORM USER.
WANT TO KNOW HOW I CAN TELL?"
AND SHE DIDN'T RESPOND TO THAT?
ALL RIGHT, THEN, CHECK IT OUT.
LOOK, NEXT TIME, JUST
ORDER A DANISH INSTEAD.
SHE'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE
"WHAT, NO BEARCLAW TODAY?"
YOU COUNTER WITH, "YOU
GET PRETTIER EVERY DAY.
DON'T I HAVE THE
RIGHT TO CHANGE?"
OH, GOOD LORD, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
IF YOU WERE MY CYRANO
I WOULD HAVE MONA EATING
BEARCLAW OUT OF MY HAND.
GET YOUR COAT! IT'S PASTRY TIME.
AS MUCH AS IT PAINS
ME TO SAY THIS, DIPPLE
NO.
MR. BARKER, THERE ARE
TWO KINDS OF AUDITS.
ONE IS THE STANDARD LOOK‐SEE
AND THE OTHER IS THE
DEEP‐TISSUE MASSAGE.
YOU WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE FOR
A FEW DAYS OR A FEW MONTHS?
THIS IS UNADULTERATED EXTORTION.
I FEEL MORE VIRILE ALREADY.
BEHOLD MY NEW CREATION.
Regine: WOW!
OBIE, THE BASEBALL CAP.
YOU BETTER RUN DOWN
TO THE PATENT OFFICE
BEFORE 1896.
EXCUSE ME, LITTLE
CHIEF RUNNING MOUTH.
THIS HERE IS THE OBIE‐CAM
A MINIATURE CAMERA DISGUISED
AS AN ATHLETIC CHAPEAU.
I'M GOING TO USE IT TO TAPE
MY BABY'S FIRST
STAGE PERFORMANCE...
WITH HER CLOTHES ON, OF COURSE.
OVERTON, THAT
THING IS RIDICULOUS.
RIDICULOUS, YOU SAY?
I SAY.
I LAUGH IN YOUR FACE‐‐ HA HA!
LET'S TRY IT OUT, THEN.
COME ON.
HOW'S THIS?
MMM, UH, BACK UP
A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?
A LITTLE BIT MORE.
NAH. JUST‐JUST KEEP IT GOING.
HEY, MARY MARIE
PLAZA, SYNCLAIRE.
HEY, BABY, HOW'S MY
DAMSEL OF DRAMA?
OH, I FEEL, I FEEL
JAZZED, YOU KNOW?
I FEEL SO CONNECTED TO
THAT CHARACTER OF SHIRLEEN
LIKE RIGHT NOW,
SHE'S VERY TIRED.
GOOD NIGHT.
WELL, I GUESS WHEN MY BABY
ACCEPTS HER TONY AWARD
YOU'LL BE THE FIRST
ONE SHE THANKS
I MEAN, AFTER ME, OF COURSE.
WHERE IS YOUR LIQUOR CABINET?
OKAY, YOU CAN BE THE FIRST!
THAT WOMAN IS QUITE POSSIBLY
THE WORST ACTRESS ON THE PLANET.
HEY, COME ON, NOW.
SHE'S ONLY HAD ONE
DAY OF REHEARSAL.
LOOK, I'M SURE AFTER
SHE AND HER CHARACTER
GET A LITTLE NAP,
THEY'LL COME AROUND.
I HAVE WORKED WITH VIDEO DANCERS
WHO SAT IN VATS OF GREEN JELL‐O
SQUEALING "OH, THE
GREEN. IT CHILLS ME."
THEY WERE OLIVIER
COMPARED TO HER.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
SEE, MY BABY'S A
TOP‐NOTCH ACTRESS
AND IF YOU CAN'T
BRING THAT OUT IN HER
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GET ONE
OF THEM LITTLE JELL‐O JIGGLERS.
I CAN'T.
THE PLAY OPENS TOMORROW NIGHT
AND BY THE END OF THE SHOW
THERE'LL BE TWO MORE
COFFINS ON STAGE‐‐
ONE FOR MARY
MARIE PLAZA'S CAREER
AND ONE OF THE CAREER
OF SYNCLAIRE JAMES.
NOW, SEE THERE.
THAT LADY DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT SHE TALKING 'BOUT.
SYNCLAIRE AND I ARE
GOING TO GET CREMATED.
WHO IS GOING TO LOWER
THE BOOM ON SYNCLAIRE,
AND WHERE'S THE JELLY?
WHY DO WE HAVE TO TELL SYNCLAIRE
THAT HER DIRECTOR
THINKS SHE STINKS?
MAYBE SHE'LL GO
OUT THERE TONIGHT
AND SURPRISE EVERYBODY.
SHE'S ALWAYS HAD A
ANGEL ON HER SHOULDER.
YEAH, THAT ANGEL'S GOING
TO TAKE OFF FOR THE RAFTERS
ONCE THE TOMATOES START FLYING.
NO, KHADIJAH, I CAN'T LET GIRLIE
GO OUT THERE UNPROTECTED.
THAT'D BE LIKE A MECHANIC
SENDING YOU OFF
WITH FAULTY BRAKES.
SURE, YOU MIGHT MAKE
IT HOME, BUT THEN AGAIN
THEY MIGHT HAVE TO SCRAPE
YOUR ASS OFF A BILLBOARD.
WHAT YOU THINK, MAX?
UH, NO, I CAN'T
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS.
I... WHERE'S THE JELLY, MAN?
WELL, OVERTON, IF YOU
INSIST ON TELLING SYNCLAIRE
AT LEAST SWEETEN IT A LITTLE.
YOU KNOW HOW
SENSITIVE SYNCLAIRE IS.
INSTEAD OF KILLING FLIES
SHE TRIES TO TALK THEM
INTO LIVING SOMEPLACE ELSE.
MORNING, EVERYBODY.
GOOD MORNING, SYNCLAIRE.
OR IS IT SHIRLEEN?
YOU'RE SO GOOD, GIRL, I
CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
MARY MARIE PLAZA
THINKS YOU STINK.
WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WELL, HONEY, FROM
WHAT I UNDERSTAND...
SHE THINKS YOU STINK.
IMPOSSIBLE.
SHE WAS THRILLED
WITH ME YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN
SAYING, "MY GOD,
HOW CAN THIS BE?!"
OH. OH.
OH, WAIT, NOW.
I GUESS, UH, THERE'S ANOTHER
WAY YOU COULD TAKE THAT.
SORRY, BABY.
SHE HATES ME.
SHE REALLY HATES ME.
OH, OKAY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK
I‐I‐I CAN TELL HER THERE'S
AN EMERGENCY AT THE OFFICE
AND YOU CAN'T DO THE PLAY.
YEAH, AND I COULD RIG THE WIRING
TO SHORT OUT A WHOLE CITY BLOCK.
THAT WAY, PEOPLE'D
BE TOO BUSY LOOTING
TO GIVE A DAMN ABOUT A PLAY.
OH... I APPRECIATE
EVERYONE'S CONCERN
BUT THE FIRST RULE
OF THE THEATER
IS THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
TONIGHT, I WILL PROVE
THAT SYNCLAIRE JAMES
HAS GOT THE GOODS.
I SHALL... PERSEVERE.
WORK THE CROWD.
YOU WORK THE CROWD, BABY.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME
SHIRLEEN AND I ARE GOING
TO GO AND TAKE A SHOWER.
IS IT JUST ME
OR DOES THAT THOUGHT
TURN ANYBODY ELSE ON?
HI‐DEE‐HO, MACK MAESTRO.
IT'S THE CAB CALLOWAY
OF THE GEEKS.
THANKS TO YOU, MONA AND
I HAD A GRAND OLD TIME‐‐
DINNER, DANCING,
AND JUST BEFORE DAWN
WE WENT ALL THE WAY.
AH... SHE KISSED ME
SQUARE ON THE CHEEK
AND IT WASN'T JUST A
LITTLE FRIENDLY PECK EITHER.
SHE LINGERED THERE FOR
AT LEAST HALF A SECOND.
CONGRATULATIONS.
WITH A LITTLE PERSEVERANCE,
A NEW HAIRCUT, AND...
A LITTLE LESS COLOGNE, I
SEE A HUG IN YOUR FUTURE.
NOW, CAN YOU LEAVE?
BUT DON'T YOU
WANT TO TAKE A PEEK
AT THE RESULTS OF YOUR AUDIT?
YO, I'M GETTING A REFUND?
CHECK COULD BE IN
THE MAIL ON MONDAY.
SO, WE BOTH BENEFITTED
FROM OUR BRIEF ASSOCIATION.
NOW, YOU CAN LEAVE
WITHOUT EVER HAVING TO FEEL
THAT WE EVER HAVE TO
TALK TO ONE ANOTHER AGAIN.
OKAY? BYE‐BYE.
LAST NIGHT, WHEN I
WAS OUT ON THE TOWN
I REALIZED SOMETHING.
THERE IS A BEVY OF
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OUT THERE.
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR
SHORT‐ORDER GODDESS, MONA?
MONA? ONE NIGHT IN YOUR WORLD
MADE ME REALIZE I CAN DO BETTER
THAN A WOMAN THAT
SMELLS LIKE KETCHUP.
COME ON, KYLE.
SHOW ME THE HIVE WHERE
THE HONEYBEES HANG.
CLEARLY YOU ARE
UNDER THE DELUSION
THAT I WOULD GO
ANYWHERE WITH YOU
WITHOUT THREAT OF EXTORTION.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I'M NOT THAT CONFIDENT YET.
I'VE TAKEN CARE OF LAST YEAR
BUT EVERY TAX YEAR BEFORE THAT
MIGHT NEED A LITTLE
MORE SCRUTINY.
DIPPLE, YOU CANNOT USE YOUR
POSITION TO THREATEN ME, MAN.
KYLE, I'M WITH THE I. R. S.
I'LL GET MY COAT.
MMM.
WELL, CUZ BREAK A LEG.
I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO DO THAT ALL DAY.
THERE'S NO WAY THAT
I'M GOING OUT THERE
AND MAKE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.
WHAT ABOUT "THE
SHOW MUST GO ON"?
WHAT ABOUT THE
TRADITION OF THEATER?
WHAT ABOUT THE BACK DOOR?
I'M GETTING UP OUT.
NO, NO, NOW.
SYNCLAIRE, AS CORNY
AS YOUR LITTLE SPEECH
IN THE KITCHEN WAS,
WE ALL BOUGHT IT.
NOW, IF YOU CAN ACT WELL ENOUGH
TO FOOL THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU
YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM
FOOLING A CROWD
FULL OF STRANGERS.
DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?
I GOT TO GO.
GOOD LUCK.
I DIDN'T SEE A CONCESSION
STAND OUT THERE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I
WENT TO THE 7‐ELEVEN.
BIT‐O‐HONEY?
MMM, COME ON WITH IT.
I CRIED WIDOW'S TEARS, BRIAN.
I HAD ALL THE
MOURNERS BELIEVING ME.
YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD
BUT NOW THAT WE HAVE
THESE FEW MOMENTS ALONE
I CAN TELL YOU
JUST HOW GLAD I AM...
YOU'RE DEAD.
HELLO, MOTHER.
COME IN, SHIRLEEN.
CLOSE THE DOOR.
OH, I'M... UH, WOO‐WOO‐WOO.
WOO‐WOO‐WOO?
WOO... WOO‐WOO?
ALL THE LADIES IN THE
HOUSE GO ♪ WHOO! ♪
LET'S SEE IF HE'S REALLY DEAD
BEFORE HE TAKES HIS DIRT NAP.
I KNOW YOU'RE GRIEVING, DEAR
BUT I TRULY BELIEVE
HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE.
WHAT, OFF‐OFF
BROADWAY AT HIS AGE?
PLAYING THE UKELELE
IN THE SUBWAY
WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE.
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!
HEY, I CAN'T BREATHE IN HERE!
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BREATHE.
YOU'RE DEAD.
DECOMPOSE YOURSELF.
SO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW?
S'ALL RIGHT!
STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING ME!
WELL, THEN, HOP ON IN.
THERE'S ROOM FOR TWO.
FREAKY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW
I COULD BORE ALL OF YOU
PEOPLE WITH A LONG SOLILOQUY
ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH
AND MISERY AND SUFFERING
BUT, HEY, YOU'VE GOT TO WALK
THE STREETS OF
NEW YORK SOON, SO...
GOOD‐BYE, PAPA.
GIVE ST. PETER A NOOGIE FOR ME.
NOOGIES!
YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.
GOOD NIGHT. DEAD MAN ROLLING.
GOOD NIGHT.
OH, I LOVE YOU.
BABY, YOU REALLY WOWED THEM.
I LAUGHED, I CRIED, AND WHEN
YOU LIMBOED UNDER THE COFFIN
I DAMN NEAR DIED.
OH, OVERTON, I HAD A REVELATION
ON THAT STAGE TONIGHT.
I CAN'T MAKE PEOPLE SAD.
LAUGHTER IS THE GIFT I'M
GOING TO GIVE THE WORLD.
WELL, ON BEHALF OF THE WORLD
I'D LIKE TO THANK
YOU WITH A KISS.
THANK YOU.
AND, UH, I GOT ANOTHER
KIND OF THANK YOU
BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
GIVE YOU THAT PERSONALLY.
LOOK HERE, WOMAN
DON'T START NONE, WON'T BE NONE.
I ADMIT I WAS IN QUITE A STATE
WHEN I GOT HOME,
BUT AS I WAS ABOUT
TO DIVE OFF THE
LEDGE, THE PHONE RANG
AND IT DIDN'T STOP RINGING
UNTIL MY ANSWERING MACHINE
WAS FILLED WITH KUDOS
AND TICKET REQUESTS.
TO SEE ME?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
EVEN SHIRLEEN IS SPEECHLESS.
CHECK OUT WHAT I DID
AT THE 24‐HOUR PRINTERS.
"A FUNNY THING HAPPENED
ON THE WAY TO THE FUNERAL"
DIRECTED BY MARY MARIE PLAZA
STARRING SYNCLAIRE JAMES.
I WANT YOU TO STAY IN THE SHOW
AND CONTINUE TO MAKE A
MOCKERY OF THE SCRIPT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I‐I, I'D LOVE TO
BUT EVERYTHING I
DID WAS AD‐LIBBED.
I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT.
NEVER FEAR, MY VIDEO VIXEN.
IT'S ALL IN THE HAT.
OH...!
THIS IS POSITIVELY KARMIC.
SYNCLAIRE JAMES IS
GOING TO BE A STAR
AND MARY MARIE PLAZA'S
FINALLY GOING TO GET
OFF ANTI‐DEPRESSANTS.
SO, OBIE, HOW MUCH MORE TIME
DO WE HAVE LEFT ON THE TAPE?
I GUESS WE GOT ABOUT 58 MINUTES.
WHY DO YOU ASK?
I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
THAT YOU AUDITIONED FOR ME.
OH, MY.
GET ON UP THE STAIRS, DADDY.
GET ON UP THE STAIRS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OH, UH, UH, UH...
NO, KYLE, WAIT.
I JUST WANTED TO
RETURN YOUR RECEIPTS.
WELL, JUST DROP
THEM ON THE FLOOR
AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY
THAT MY NEW‐FOUND
POWER HAS A DOWN SIDE.
I RAN INTO THE WRONG WOMAN.
AN EVIL WOMAN.
A HARPY.
A HELLION.
EVIL? HARPY? HELLION?
IS THIS A LOCAL GIRL?
SHE LIVES RIGHT
ACROSS THE STREET.
IN FACT, I BETTER GET GOING.
I JUST LEFT HER A NOTE ON
HER DOOR BREAKING OUR DATE.
Max: DIPPLE, I KNOW
YOU'RE STILL AROUND HERE!
I SEE YOUR GOVERNMENT PLATES!
RUN, MAN, RUN LIKE THE WIND.
WOO‐HOO!
THE HANDYMAN WEBSITE
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO FILL
IN THAT GROOVE YOU MAKING.
OVERTON, MAN, IN A FEW MINUTES
I'M GOING TO BE FACE‐TO‐FACE
WITH AN AUDITOR FROM THE I. R. S.
LET ME WALK A FEW MORE
MOMENTS AS A FREE MAN.
COME ON, MAN. STOP TRIPPIN'.
I MEAN, YOU GOT
NOTHING TO BE GUILTY OF...
DO YOU?
OF COURSE NOT, MAN
BUT THE JAILS, THEY ARE
FULL OF INNOCENT MEN
AND THE BIG, STRONG GUILTY MEN
WHO TRADE THEM FOR CIGARETTES.
HONESTLY, KYLE
WHAT DO YOU THINK
THEY GOT ON YOU?
OVERTON, LAST YEAR
I DEDUCTED 596
BUSINESS LUNCHES, MAN.
FIVE HUNDRED NINETY‐SIX?
THAT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM
UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE GUY
KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT A CALENDAR.
IT'S ALL LEGIT.
I SET UP THREE BUSINESS LUNCHES
AT ONE RESTAURANT AND
BY THE TIME THEY'RE OVER
I HAVE A FULL BELLY
AND A FAT COMMISSION.
AW, MAN, JUST QUIT TRIPPIN'.
I MEAN, HOW'S SOME
GOVERNMENT DRONE
GOING TO COMPETE
WITH A FINANCIAL
WIZARD LIKE YOURSELF?
THAT'D BE LIKE ALFRED
KICKING BATMAN'S ASS.
YOU KNOW, OVERTON
THE IMAGE OF THE I. R. S. AGENT
AS A FEDERAL NERD IN
GLASSES IS A MYTH, MAN.
YOU KNOW, THEY NAILED CAPONE.
LOOK, THEY ARE HIT
MEN WITH CALCULATORS.
I'M TELLING YOU.
OH! UH. GOOD DAY.
I'M AGENT DIPPLE,
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.
OH... SUGAR!
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL STANDING
TO MY LEFT AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
ALL RIGHT, NOW, SYNCLAIRE
JUST FOR FUN, TRY
NOT TO TIP US OFF
ABOUT THE KIND OF
HAND YOU'VE GOT.
OKAY.
JUST CALL ME "POKER FACE."
YEAH!
I FOLD.
I'M OUT.
ME TOO.
I WIN.
MARY MARIE PLAZA.
HEY!
REGINE, MAX THIS IS MARY MARIE.
PLAZA.
SHE DIRECTED THAT
"HOOCHIE HOEDOWN" VIDEO
WE SAW LAST WEEK.
CATCHY TUNE, BUT EVEN I WOULDN'T
MILK A COW IN A THONG, YOU KNOW.
KHADIJAH, I'M HERE TO THANK YOU.
YOUR THOUGHT‐PROVOKING INTERVIEW
MADE ME REALIZE I COULDN'T
BRING MYSELF TO DIRECT
ONE MORE FLESH‐PEDDLING VIDEO.
OH, WHAT, YOU FOUND A NEW WAY
TO SET BACK THE WOMEN'S
MOVEMENT ANOTHER CENTURY?
NO!
I HAVE A NOBLER ASPIRATION.
YOU'RE ALL INVITED
TO THE OPENING
OF MY OFF‐OFF BROADWAY
DIRECTING DEBUT‐‐
A REVIVAL OF "THE
CALLING HOURS."
AN AMERICAN CLASSIC.
ISN'T THAT PLAY ABOUT A FUNERAL?
IF I WANTED TO SPEND
AN HOUR AND A HALF
WITH A DECAYING CORPSE,
I'D INVITE KYLE TO DINNER.
YOU KNOW, I SAW
"THE CALLING HOURS"
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
MAN, THAT PLAY CHANGED MY LIFE.
REALLY?
MM‐HMM.
I MEAN, FOR HOURS,
THOSE ACTRESSES WEPT
WITHOUT ONE CASE
OF RACCOON EYES?
HONEY, ON THAT DAY, I
DISCOVERED WATERPROOF MASCARA.
MAY I USE YOUR PHONE?
YEAH. KITCHEN.
Synclaire: WOW. "THE
CALLING HOURS."
I MUST HAVE DONE THAT
PLAY A HUNDRED TIMES.
WHEN?
AS AN USHER AT
THE YOUTH THEATER.
YOU KNOW, TO THIS DAY, WHEN
I WALK ACROSS A STICKY FLOOR
I GET MISTY.
STAY OUT OF PUBLIC REST ROOMS
AND MAX'S KITCHEN
AND YOU BE ALL RIGHT.
MAYBE MARY MARIE
NEEDS AN UNDERSTUDY.
OKAY, I GOT TO GET MY
HEADSHOT, MY RESUME
MY DEMO TAPE... YOU
DON'T HAVE A DEMO TAPE.
GOOD POINT.
MAX, YOU GET THE CAMCORDER.
KHADIJAH, HAVE YOU
SEEN MY "ANNIE" WIG?
UH... NOW, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.
LOOK, YOU NOT GOING
TO SCORE POINTS
BY BEING YOUR USUAL,
OVEREAGER SELF.
NAME ONE TIME WHEN
I WAS OVEREAGER.
WHEN YOU TACKLED
JAMES EARL JONES
OUTSIDE LINCOLN CENTER.
HE WAS RUNNING
A LITTLE TOO FAST.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
THE ACTRESS I CAST AS
SHIRLEEN JUST UP AND QUIT.
SHE GOT A ROLE IN
SHOWGIRLS: PART II, SHOW MORE.
SO YOU NEED ANOTHER ACTRESS
WHO KNOWS ALL THE LINES
AND COULD GET OUT OF HER JOB
AS A RECEPTIONIST LIKE THAT.
SYNCLAIRE, YOU TELL
HER YOU WANT THAT PART.
BEFORE I SLAP THE
HELL OUT OF YOU.
MARY, MARY, I'M AN ACTRESS
AND I KNOW THAT PART.
MARY MARIE!
PLAZA.
THANK YOU.
DO YOU REALLY KNOW
THE ROLE OF SHIRLEEN?
OH! OH! OH! I KNOW EVERY LINE!
PLUS, I COULD HAND OUT PROGRAMS
PARK THE CARS AND
SCRAPE THE GUM OFF A SEAT
LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS.
THIS IS KISMET!
KHADIJAH'S ARTICLE FREES ME
FROM MY SELF‐IMPOSED MISERY
AND KHADIJAH'S COUSIN
DRIVES ME TOWARD MY GOAL!
COME, COME WITH MARY
MARIE PLAZA RIGHT NOW.
WE HAVE TO START REHEARSAL.
YES, OF COURSE.
OH, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
I'M FULFILLING A DREAM I'VE HAD
SINCE I WAS 16.
SIXTEEN, HUH?
UNTIL THEN, SHE WANTED TO
BE ONE OF SANTA'S HELPERS.
UH‐HUH.
OH!
UH‐HUH.
UH‐HUH.
WHAT? WHAT?
MR. BARKER, IN MY
SEVEN YEARS AT THE I. R. S.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN
ANYTHING LIKE THIS.
WAIT, I ASSURE YOU
I DIDN'T DEDUCT
ANY OF THOSE ITEMS.
OH, NO, NO.
NO, I WAS ADMIRING.
IN A SINGLE DAY, YOU PURCHASED
AN ARABIAN SILK CAMISOLE,
DINNER AT JEZEBEL'S
AND A NIGHTCAP AT
THE FOUR SEASONS
WHERE YOU RESERVED
THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE?
AH, YES, TRINITY NIGHT.
IT INVOLVED THREE
DIFFERENT WOMEN
AND THE EXPERIENCE
WAS DEFINITELY RELIGIOUS.
THREE WOMEN IN ONE DAY.
YEAH.
IF I HAD ONE‐THIRD
OF YOUR SUCCESS...
STOP TORTURING YOURSELF, DIPPLE.
OKAY.
I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING
YOU'RE NOT A MAGNET
FOR THE LADIES.
CAN I CONFIDE IN YOU?
ONLY IF I CAN LEAF
THROUGH A MAGAZINE
WHILE YOU DO IT.
THERE IS A WAITRESS NAMED MONA
AT THE FEDERAL BUILDING
AND EVERY TIME I GO IN
FOR COFFEE, I ASK HER OUT
AND SHE PLOPS DOWN A BEARCLAW
AND TURNS HER BACK ON ME
AND WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BACK IT IS.
OKAY, WELL, EXACTLY WHAT AMOROUS
OVERTURES HAVE YOU EMPLOYED?
OH.
WELL, I‐I‐I USUALLY
SAY SOMETHING LIKE
"I BET YOU'RE A SHORT‐FORM USER.
WANT TO KNOW HOW I CAN TELL?"
AND SHE DIDN'T RESPOND TO THAT?
ALL RIGHT, THEN, CHECK IT OUT.
LOOK, NEXT TIME, JUST
ORDER A DANISH INSTEAD.
SHE'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE
"WHAT, NO BEARCLAW TODAY?"
YOU COUNTER WITH, "YOU
GET PRETTIER EVERY DAY.
DON'T I HAVE THE
RIGHT TO CHANGE?"
OH, GOOD LORD, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
YEAH, THANK YOU.
IF YOU WERE MY CYRANO
I WOULD HAVE MONA EATING
BEARCLAW OUT OF MY HAND.
GET YOUR COAT! IT'S PASTRY TIME.
AS MUCH AS IT PAINS
ME TO SAY THIS, DIPPLE
NO.
MR. BARKER, THERE ARE
TWO KINDS OF AUDITS.
ONE IS THE STANDARD LOOK‐SEE
AND THE OTHER IS THE
DEEP‐TISSUE MASSAGE.
YOU WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE FOR
A FEW DAYS OR A FEW MONTHS?
THIS IS UNADULTERATED EXTORTION.
I FEEL MORE VIRILE ALREADY.
BEHOLD MY NEW CREATION.
Regine: WOW!
OBIE, THE BASEBALL CAP.
YOU BETTER RUN DOWN
TO THE PATENT OFFICE
BEFORE 1896.
EXCUSE ME, LITTLE
CHIEF RUNNING MOUTH.
THIS HERE IS THE OBIE‐CAM
A MINIATURE CAMERA DISGUISED
AS AN ATHLETIC CHAPEAU.
I'M GOING TO USE IT TO TAPE
MY BABY'S FIRST
STAGE PERFORMANCE...
WITH HER CLOTHES ON, OF COURSE.
OVERTON, THAT
THING IS RIDICULOUS.
RIDICULOUS, YOU SAY?
I SAY.
I LAUGH IN YOUR FACE‐‐ HA HA!
LET'S TRY IT OUT, THEN.
COME ON.
HOW'S THIS?
MMM, UH, BACK UP
A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?
A LITTLE BIT MORE.
NAH. JUST‐JUST KEEP IT GOING.
HEY, MARY MARIE
PLAZA, SYNCLAIRE.
HEY, BABY, HOW'S MY
DAMSEL OF DRAMA?
OH, I FEEL, I FEEL
JAZZED, YOU KNOW?
I FEEL SO CONNECTED TO
THAT CHARACTER OF SHIRLEEN
LIKE RIGHT NOW,
SHE'S VERY TIRED.
GOOD NIGHT.
WELL, I GUESS WHEN MY BABY
ACCEPTS HER TONY AWARD
YOU'LL BE THE FIRST
ONE SHE THANKS
I MEAN, AFTER ME, OF COURSE.
WHERE IS YOUR LIQUOR CABINET?
OKAY, YOU CAN BE THE FIRST!
THAT WOMAN IS QUITE POSSIBLY
THE WORST ACTRESS ON THE PLANET.
HEY, COME ON, NOW.
SHE'S ONLY HAD ONE
DAY OF REHEARSAL.
LOOK, I'M SURE AFTER
SHE AND HER CHARACTER
GET A LITTLE NAP,
THEY'LL COME AROUND.
I HAVE WORKED WITH VIDEO DANCERS
WHO SAT IN VATS OF GREEN JELL‐O
SQUEALING "OH, THE
GREEN. IT CHILLS ME."
THEY WERE OLIVIER
COMPARED TO HER.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
SEE, MY BABY'S A
TOP‐NOTCH ACTRESS
AND IF YOU CAN'T
BRING THAT OUT IN HER
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GET ONE
OF THEM LITTLE JELL‐O JIGGLERS.
I CAN'T.
THE PLAY OPENS TOMORROW NIGHT
AND BY THE END OF THE SHOW
THERE'LL BE TWO MORE
COFFINS ON STAGE‐‐
ONE FOR MARY
MARIE PLAZA'S CAREER
AND ONE OF THE CAREER
OF SYNCLAIRE JAMES.
NOW, SEE THERE.
THAT LADY DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT SHE TALKING 'BOUT.
SYNCLAIRE AND I ARE
GOING TO GET CREMATED.
WHO IS GOING TO LOWER
THE BOOM ON SYNCLAIRE,
AND WHERE'S THE JELLY?
WHY DO WE HAVE TO TELL SYNCLAIRE
THAT HER DIRECTOR
THINKS SHE STINKS?
MAYBE SHE'LL GO
OUT THERE TONIGHT
AND SURPRISE EVERYBODY.
SHE'S ALWAYS HAD A
ANGEL ON HER SHOULDER.
YEAH, THAT ANGEL'S GOING
TO TAKE OFF FOR THE RAFTERS
ONCE THE TOMATOES START FLYING.
NO, KHADIJAH, I CAN'T LET GIRLIE
GO OUT THERE UNPROTECTED.
THAT'D BE LIKE A MECHANIC
SENDING YOU OFF
WITH FAULTY BRAKES.
SURE, YOU MIGHT MAKE
IT HOME, BUT THEN AGAIN
THEY MIGHT HAVE TO SCRAPE
YOUR ASS OFF A BILLBOARD.
WHAT YOU THINK, MAX?
UH, NO, I CAN'T
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS.
I... WHERE'S THE JELLY, MAN?
WELL, OVERTON, IF YOU
INSIST ON TELLING SYNCLAIRE
AT LEAST SWEETEN IT A LITTLE.
YOU KNOW HOW
SENSITIVE SYNCLAIRE IS.
INSTEAD OF KILLING FLIES
SHE TRIES TO TALK THEM
INTO LIVING SOMEPLACE ELSE.
MORNING, EVERYBODY.
GOOD MORNING, SYNCLAIRE.
OR IS IT SHIRLEEN?
YOU'RE SO GOOD, GIRL, I
CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.
MARY MARIE PLAZA
THINKS YOU STINK.
WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WELL, HONEY, FROM
WHAT I UNDERSTAND...
SHE THINKS YOU STINK.
IMPOSSIBLE.
SHE WAS THRILLED
WITH ME YESTERDAY.
SHE WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN
SAYING, "MY GOD,
HOW CAN THIS BE?!"
OH. OH.
OH, WAIT, NOW.
I GUESS, UH, THERE'S ANOTHER
WAY YOU COULD TAKE THAT.
SORRY, BABY.
SHE HATES ME.
SHE REALLY HATES ME.
OH, OKAY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK
I‐I‐I CAN TELL HER THERE'S
AN EMERGENCY AT THE OFFICE
AND YOU CAN'T DO THE PLAY.
YEAH, AND I COULD RIG THE WIRING
TO SHORT OUT A WHOLE CITY BLOCK.
THAT WAY, PEOPLE'D
BE TOO BUSY LOOTING
TO GIVE A DAMN ABOUT A PLAY.
OH... I APPRECIATE
EVERYONE'S CONCERN
BUT THE FIRST RULE
OF THE THEATER
IS THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
TONIGHT, I WILL PROVE
THAT SYNCLAIRE JAMES
HAS GOT THE GOODS.
I SHALL... PERSEVERE.
WORK THE CROWD.
YOU WORK THE CROWD, BABY.
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME
SHIRLEEN AND I ARE GOING
TO GO AND TAKE A SHOWER.
IS IT JUST ME
OR DOES THAT THOUGHT
TURN ANYBODY ELSE ON?
HI‐DEE‐HO, MACK MAESTRO.
IT'S THE CAB CALLOWAY
OF THE GEEKS.
THANKS TO YOU, MONA AND
I HAD A GRAND OLD TIME‐‐
DINNER, DANCING,
AND JUST BEFORE DAWN
WE WENT ALL THE WAY.
AH... SHE KISSED ME
SQUARE ON THE CHEEK
AND IT WASN'T JUST A
LITTLE FRIENDLY PECK EITHER.
SHE LINGERED THERE FOR
AT LEAST HALF A SECOND.
CONGRATULATIONS.
WITH A LITTLE PERSEVERANCE,
A NEW HAIRCUT, AND...
A LITTLE LESS COLOGNE, I
SEE A HUG IN YOUR FUTURE.
NOW, CAN YOU LEAVE?
BUT DON'T YOU
WANT TO TAKE A PEEK
AT THE RESULTS OF YOUR AUDIT?
YO, I'M GETTING A REFUND?
CHECK COULD BE IN
THE MAIL ON MONDAY.
SO, WE BOTH BENEFITTED
FROM OUR BRIEF ASSOCIATION.
NOW, YOU CAN LEAVE
WITHOUT EVER HAVING TO FEEL
THAT WE EVER HAVE TO
TALK TO ONE ANOTHER AGAIN.
OKAY? BYE‐BYE.
LAST NIGHT, WHEN I
WAS OUT ON THE TOWN
I REALIZED SOMETHING.
THERE IS A BEVY OF
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OUT THERE.
HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR
SHORT‐ORDER GODDESS, MONA?
MONA? ONE NIGHT IN YOUR WORLD
MADE ME REALIZE I CAN DO BETTER
THAN A WOMAN THAT
SMELLS LIKE KETCHUP.
COME ON, KYLE.
SHOW ME THE HIVE WHERE
THE HONEYBEES HANG.
CLEARLY YOU ARE
UNDER THE DELUSION
THAT I WOULD GO
ANYWHERE WITH YOU
WITHOUT THREAT OF EXTORTION.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I'M NOT THAT CONFIDENT YET.
I'VE TAKEN CARE OF LAST YEAR
BUT EVERY TAX YEAR BEFORE THAT
MIGHT NEED A LITTLE
MORE SCRUTINY.
DIPPLE, YOU CANNOT USE YOUR
POSITION TO THREATEN ME, MAN.
KYLE, I'M WITH THE I. R. S.
I'LL GET MY COAT.
MMM.
WELL, CUZ BREAK A LEG.
I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO DO THAT ALL DAY.
THERE'S NO WAY THAT
I'M GOING OUT THERE
AND MAKE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.
WHAT ABOUT "THE
SHOW MUST GO ON"?
WHAT ABOUT THE
TRADITION OF THEATER?
WHAT ABOUT THE BACK DOOR?
I'M GETTING UP OUT.
NO, NO, NOW.
SYNCLAIRE, AS CORNY
AS YOUR LITTLE SPEECH
IN THE KITCHEN WAS,
WE ALL BOUGHT IT.
NOW, IF YOU CAN ACT WELL ENOUGH
TO FOOL THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU
YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM
FOOLING A CROWD
FULL OF STRANGERS.
DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?
I GOT TO GO.
GOOD LUCK.
I DIDN'T SEE A CONCESSION
STAND OUT THERE.
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I
WENT TO THE 7‐ELEVEN.
BIT‐O‐HONEY?
MMM, COME ON WITH IT.
I CRIED WIDOW'S TEARS, BRIAN.
I HAD ALL THE
MOURNERS BELIEVING ME.
YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD
BUT NOW THAT WE HAVE
THESE FEW MOMENTS ALONE
I CAN TELL YOU
JUST HOW GLAD I AM...
YOU'RE DEAD.
HELLO, MOTHER.
COME IN, SHIRLEEN.
CLOSE THE DOOR.
OH, I'M... UH, WOO‐WOO‐WOO.
WOO‐WOO‐WOO?
WOO... WOO‐WOO?
ALL THE LADIES IN THE
HOUSE GO ♪ WHOO! ♪
LET'S SEE IF HE'S REALLY DEAD
BEFORE HE TAKES HIS DIRT NAP.
I KNOW YOU'RE GRIEVING, DEAR
BUT I TRULY BELIEVE
HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE.
WHAT, OFF‐OFF
BROADWAY AT HIS AGE?
PLAYING THE UKELELE
IN THE SUBWAY
WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE.
OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!
HEY, I CAN'T BREATHE IN HERE!
YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BREATHE.
YOU'RE DEAD.
DECOMPOSE YOURSELF.
SO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW?
S'ALL RIGHT!
STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING ME!
WELL, THEN, HOP ON IN.
THERE'S ROOM FOR TWO.
FREAKY.
WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW
I COULD BORE ALL OF YOU
PEOPLE WITH A LONG SOLILOQUY
ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH
AND MISERY AND SUFFERING
BUT, HEY, YOU'VE GOT TO WALK
THE STREETS OF
NEW YORK SOON, SO...
GOOD‐BYE, PAPA.
GIVE ST. PETER A NOOGIE FOR ME.
NOOGIES!
YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.
GOOD NIGHT. DEAD MAN ROLLING.
GOOD NIGHT.
OH, I LOVE YOU.
BABY, YOU REALLY WOWED THEM.
I LAUGHED, I CRIED, AND WHEN
YOU LIMBOED UNDER THE COFFIN
I DAMN NEAR DIED.
OH, OVERTON, I HAD A REVELATION
ON THAT STAGE TONIGHT.
I CAN'T MAKE PEOPLE SAD.
LAUGHTER IS THE GIFT I'M
GOING TO GIVE THE WORLD.
WELL, ON BEHALF OF THE WORLD
I'D LIKE TO THANK
YOU WITH A KISS.
THANK YOU.
AND, UH, I GOT ANOTHER
KIND OF THANK YOU
BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
GIVE YOU THAT PERSONALLY.
LOOK HERE, WOMAN
DON'T START NONE, WON'T BE NONE.
I ADMIT I WAS IN QUITE A STATE
WHEN I GOT HOME,
BUT AS I WAS ABOUT
TO DIVE OFF THE
LEDGE, THE PHONE RANG
AND IT DIDN'T STOP RINGING
UNTIL MY ANSWERING MACHINE
WAS FILLED WITH KUDOS
AND TICKET REQUESTS.
TO SEE ME?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
EVEN SHIRLEEN IS SPEECHLESS.
CHECK OUT WHAT I DID
AT THE 24‐HOUR PRINTERS.
"A FUNNY THING HAPPENED
ON THE WAY TO THE FUNERAL"
DIRECTED BY MARY MARIE PLAZA
STARRING SYNCLAIRE JAMES.
I WANT YOU TO STAY IN THE SHOW
AND CONTINUE TO MAKE A
MOCKERY OF THE SCRIPT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I‐I, I'D LOVE TO
BUT EVERYTHING I
DID WAS AD‐LIBBED.
I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT.
NEVER FEAR, MY VIDEO VIXEN.
IT'S ALL IN THE HAT.
OH...!
THIS IS POSITIVELY KARMIC.
SYNCLAIRE JAMES IS
GOING TO BE A STAR
AND MARY MARIE PLAZA'S
FINALLY GOING TO GET
OFF ANTI‐DEPRESSANTS.
SO, OBIE, HOW MUCH MORE TIME
DO WE HAVE LEFT ON THE TAPE?
I GUESS WE GOT ABOUT 58 MINUTES.
WHY DO YOU ASK?
I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
THAT YOU AUDITIONED FOR ME.
OH, MY.
GET ON UP THE STAIRS, DADDY.
GET ON UP THE STAIRS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
OH, UH, UH, UH...
NO, KYLE, WAIT.
I JUST WANTED TO
RETURN YOUR RECEIPTS.
WELL, JUST DROP
THEM ON THE FLOOR
AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY
THAT MY NEW‐FOUND
POWER HAS A DOWN SIDE.
I RAN INTO THE WRONG WOMAN.
AN EVIL WOMAN.
A HARPY.
A HELLION.
EVIL? HARPY? HELLION?
IS THIS A LOCAL GIRL?
SHE LIVES RIGHT
ACROSS THE STREET.
IN FACT, I BETTER GET GOING.
I JUST LEFT HER A NOTE ON
HER DOOR BREAKING OUR DATE.
Max: DIPPLE, I KNOW
YOU'RE STILL AROUND HERE!
I SEE YOUR GOVERNMENT PLATES!
RUN, MAN, RUN LIKE THE WIND.
WOO‐HOO!