Living Single (1993–1998): Season 3, Episode 21 - A Raze in Harlem - full transcript
DAMN. DID YOU READ THIS?
WHAT'S WRONG, KYLE?
"72‐YEAR‐OLD WOMAN
GIVES BIRTH TO TWINS."
THE KIDS
PROBABLY HAVE MORE
TEETH THAN THEIR MOTHER.
I WAS LOOKING AT THIS ARTICLE.
THEY ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO
TEAR DOWN THE SHOWBOAT CLUB.
IS THAT THAT OLD JAZZ CLUB
YOU KEEP RATTLING ON ABOUT?
"OLD JAZZ CLUB"?
TRY ONE OF THE PLACES
WHERE JAZZ WAS BORN.
Khadijah: LEVEL IT?
THE OWNERS CLOSED THE
CLUB ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T
BRING THE BUILDING UP TO CODE.
I SPOKE TO SOME INVESTORS,
BUT THEY WANTED TO INVEST
IN SOMETHING SAFER, LIKE
COLORING BOOKS ON TAPE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?
IT'S LIKE WE GOT NO
RESPECT FOR THE PAST.
MUST ALL OUR CULTURAL SHRINES
FALL PREY TO CAPITALISM'S GODS
LIKE THE STRIP MALL
AND CHAIN STORE?
THEY'RE TEARING IT DOWN
TO BUILD A HARDWARE HEAVEN.
HEY, TIME MARCHES ON.
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL
STANDING TO MY LEFT ♪
♪ AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
IT SAYS HERE THE
SHOWBOAT WAS A HAVEN
FOR SOME OF PROHIBITION'S
MOST FAMOUS GANGSTERS
LIKE JONAS "STILETTO" McGURKY.
RENOWNED FOR GUNNING DOWN
PEOPLE WHILE WEARING HIGH HEELS.
YOU KNOW, THE JAZZ AGE
WAS VERY MUCH LIKE ME‐‐
FASCINATING,
FABULOUS, GLAMOROUS.
SHOOT, IF I HAD
LIVED IN THE '20s
I'D HAVE BEEN A REAL
DIVA LIKE JOSEPHINE BAKER.
YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN
DELUDED LIKE YOU ARE NOW.
MAX, CAN WE GET
SOME KIND OF LEGAL INJUNCTION
TO KEEP THEM FROM
TEARING THE PLACE DOWN?
IF THE CITY DESIGNATES IT A
LANDMARK, NO ONE CAN TOUCH IT.
OH, THAT'S BRILLIANT, MAX.
IF I COULD KISS YOU
WITHOUT CUTTING MY LIPS
ON YOUR HORNS, I WOULD.
I'M NOT HELPING
YOU SAVE THE PLACE.
I MIGHT BRING A TWISTED SMILE
TO THAT GROTESQUE FACE.
SAY, THIS IS INTERESTING.
SEEMS THE SHOWBOAT'S
PROPRIETOR WAS A WOMAN
WHO TOOK PLEASURE IN
HUMILIATING HER MALE EMPLOYEES.
I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
YOU KNOW, MY GREAT
UNCLE ACTUALLY SANG
AT THE SHOWBOAT CLUB.
YEAH.
I ALWAYS HAD THIS NOTION THAT
ONE DAY I'D GET TO SING THERE.
MAN, THAT PLACE
BACK IN ITS HEYDAY‐‐
OOH, CHAMPAGNE POPPING,
HOT WOMEN, COOL JAZZ.
ARE YOU TALKING TO US?
NO, I'M GOING ON A FLASHBACK.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
♪ IF I BALL AND
DRESS UP SPORTY ♪
♪ LIVE AND DIE BEFORE I'M 40 ♪
♪ T'AIN'T YOUR BUSINESS ♪
♪ T'AIN'T MY BUSINESS ♪
♪ T'AIN'T HER BUSINESS ♪
♪ T'AIN'T THEIR BUSINESS ♪
♪ T'AIN'T NOBODY'S
BUSINESS IF I DO ♪
♪ YEAH. ♪
THANK YOU.
I NEED A BREAK AND A BELT.
ALL MY LIFE I'VE ONLY HAD
ONE DREAM, MISS FITZSIMMONS
AND THAT'S TO GET UP
ON THAT STAGE AND SING.
WE ALL HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE.
EVEN ME.
ZELDA FITZSIMMONS,
INTERNATIONAL SENSATION.
GEE, MISS FITZSIMMONS,
I'VE BEEN WONDERING
WHEN YOU PERFORM... YES.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WHAT DO I DO?
YEAH.
I'M AN INTERNATIONAL SENSATION.
BARKER, STOP FLAPPING
YOUR FAT GUMS.
TABLE FOUR NEEDS WATER
TABLE TWO NEEDS A FORK
AND TABLE EIGHT
DOESN'T NEED ANYTHING
BUT I WANT YOU TO
WALK OVER THERE
'CAUSE I LIKE WATCHING
YOUR POCKETS MOVE.
ANYTHING ELSE, MISS BIG MAX?
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO CALL ME BIG MAX.
LET ME PEEK
UNDERNEATH THAT APRON
AND YOU CAN CALL
ME SUGAR DRAWERS.
HEY, HEY.
I'M SORRY
BUT I'M JUST NOT
THAT KIND OF GUY.
I WILL NOT WALK THROUGH
A DOOR MARKED "WHOOPEE"
UNLESS IT'S INTO A
BUNGALOW MARKED "MARRIAGE."
I'M JUST TALKING
ABOUT A LITTLE NOOKIE
ON THE FRONT PORCH.
WELL!
HEY, BIG MAX.
I BET HE'D BE GRATEFUL
FOR A LITTLE STAGE TIME.
THIS KID WANTS TO CROON.
FAT CHANCE.
BEFORE I LET A
BUSBOY ON MY STAGE
I'LL LET MY MILKMAN, SAMMY DAVIS
PUT HIS KID UP THERE.
THINGS WILL TURN AROUND, KID.
THEY DID FOR ME.
WHY, I REMEMBER
AFTER THAT HORSE
KICKED ME IN MY HEAD
THINGS LOOKED BLEAK FOR A WHILE.
BUT THEN MY DOG STARTED GIVING
ME SOME REALLY GOOD ADVICE.
YES, HE DID.
YES, HE DID.
YES.
YES, HE DID.
HOOCH!
HOOCH, YOU'RE 20 MINUTES
LATE WITH THE MOONSHINE.
WHAT GIVES?
HEY, MY MECHANIC OVERCHARGED ME
SO I HAD TO PULL
OUT ALL HIS TEETH.
IT MAKES SENSE.
WHEN MY DENTIST STUCK ME,
I REALIGNED HIS FRONT‐END.
YOU DIDN'T RUB HIM OUT?
YOU'RE GETTING SOFT THERE.
AHH, NOT HOOCH JONES.
HELLO THERE.
KEEP DRINKING AND
YOU'LL BURN IN HELL.
HOW ARE THINGS?
OH, I SEE YOU CAN'T TALK.
BUSY SUCKING DOWN
YOUR DAMNATION.
PRAISE THE LORD.
HEY, WHO'S THE VIXEN
WITH ALL THE FIXIN'S?
HER?
THAT'S CLAIRE.
SHE'S FROM THE
TEMPERANCE LEAGUE.
BARKER, HOW DID SISTER SOBRIETY
GET PAST SECURITY?
SHE GAVE THE PASSWORD.
"REPENT."
I'VE GOT TO CHANGE IT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, BIG MAX,
INTRODUCE ME TO HER
AND I'LL GIVE YOU A FREE CASE
OF MY IMPORTED BATHTUB GIN.
MISS JAMES, YOU
WERE GREAT TONIGHT.
DON'T LIMIT ME, KID.
I'M GREAT EVERY NIGHT.
WELL, I'VE JUST GOT TO ASK YOU.
WHAT'S THE SECRET
TO YOUR SUCCESS?
BARKER, BARKER, BARKER.
THERE'S REALLY ONLY
ONE WAY TO SING THE BLUES
AND THAT IS TO SUFFER
SO I REFUSED TO
DIVORCE MY HUSBAND.
HAVE ANOTHER.
YOU'LL BE AWFULLY
THIRSTY IN HADES.
Max: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
JESUS LOVES YOU.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, HERE.
LOOK, HOOCH JONES,
CLAIRE THE BIBLE‐THUMPER.
CLAIRE THE BIBLE‐THUMPER,
HOOCH JONES.
HOOCH JONES?
THE NOTORIOUS BOOTLEGGER
AND LOWEST, VILEST
FORM OF LIFE ON EARTH?
OH, A FAN.
WELL, LET ME JUST
AUTOGRAPH THOSE LIPS.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
HEY, KYLE, HOW'S THE "SAVE THE
SHOWBOAT" CAMPAIGN COMING?
WELL, BUD, I THINK I'VE
GOT ALL BASES COVERED.
KHADIJAH'S GOT A
FRIEND AT THE DAILY NEWS.
HE'S GOING TO SEE IF HE
CAN GET AN EDITORIAL IN.
MAX'S FRIEND AT CITY HALL
IS GOING TO FILE FOR
LANDMARK STATUS.
HEY, MAN, I WISH YOU'D PUT
HALF THIS ENERGY
INTO DOING THE DISHES.
YOU KNOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
I DON'T CARE IF THEY
ADHERE TO THE SINK.
THE CLUB IS SCHEDULED
FOR DEMOLITION
DAY AFTER TOMORROW.
YOU'VE GOT CONSTRUCTION BUDDIES.
CAN'T YOU SEE IF THEY
CAN ARRANGE FOR A DELAY?
I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE HARDWARE HEAVEN.
NOW, IF YOU WAS TALKING
ABOUT BUILDING A SCHOOL
BANG, YOU WAS IN THERE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ENOUGH, ALREADY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
EDWARD ELLINGTON
BUT EVERYONE CALLS ME "DUKE."
WELL, DUKE, TRY THE ACCORDION.
THEY LOVE IT AT WEDDINGS.
SCRAM.
OH, KYLE.
HERE'S YOUR CHANCE.
WHAT, YOU THINK I
SHOULD AUDITION?
NO, DIESEL JUST CAME
OUT OF THE MEN'S ROOM
AND YOU SAID YOU HAD TO GO.
THREE HOURS OF AUDITIONS,
AND NOTHING BUT BUMS.
ETHEL WATERS, JELLY ROLL MORTON
EUBIE BLAKE, LOU GEHRIG.
IS THERE ANY TALENT
LEFT IN HARLEM?
♪ YES SIR, THAT'S MY BABY ♪
♪ NO SIR, I DON'T MEAN MAYBE ♪
♪ YES SIR ♪
♪ THAT'S MY BABY NOW... ♪
BARKER.
YES, BIG MAX?
WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?
I'M TRYING TO THINK HERE.
OH, THAT'S IT.
LOOK, I'VE GOT TO
GET THIS OFF MY CHEST.
YOU WOULD NOT KNOW TALENT
IF IT CAME DOWN HERE AND
CHARLESTONS ON YOUR ASS.
NOW, MAYBE SAYING
THIS WILL GET ME KILLED
BUT AT THIS POINT
I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
OH, OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I CARE AGAIN NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, KID?
YOU GOT MOXIE.
BUT YOU'RE LONG‐WINDED
AND POMPOUS.
TURN IN YOUR APRON.
YOU'RE FIRED.
I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I
GET MY SEVERANCE PAY.
DIESEL, GIVE HIM
HIS SEVERANCE PAY.
Claire: REPENT!
REPENT, SINNERS!
LIQUOR IS THE DEVIL'S DRINK!
IT'S BEELZEBUB'S BEVERAGE!
SAVE YOUR SOUL,
SINNER. SAVE YOUR SOUL.
HELLO, GORGEOUS.
LORD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
NOW, MISS CLAIRE
BEFORE YOU LOOSEN
ANY MORE OF MY TEETH
I JUST THOUGHT I'D STOP DOWN
AND HELP OUT THE CAUSE A LITTLE.
OH, THE LAST THING
THE CAUSE NEEDS
IS YOUR DIRTY LIQUOR MONEY.
OH, NO, THIS IS NOT MY
DIRTY LIQUOR MONEY.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A
SPIFFY DADDY WARBUCKS 'DO
DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GOING
TO RATTLE MY TAMBOURINE.
OKAY.
PERHAPS WE, UH, GOT
OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT.
LET'S JUST, UH,
KISS AND MAKE UP.
HEY, LADY, HAVE YOU
SEEN HOOCH JONES?
WHAT POSSIBLE BUSINESS
COULD YOU LITTLE ANGELS HAVE
WITH THAT NO‐GOOD HEATHEN?
WE WANT TO THANK
HIM FOR BUILDING US
A SWELL KITCHEN
AT THE ORPHANAGE.
AND FOR COOKING US
A BIG PANCAKE BREAKFAST
AND EVERYTHING.
PANCAKES? KITCHEN?
EVERYTHING?
SURE.
WHEN HE ISN'T COOKING
HE SHOWS US HOW TO FIX STUFF.
YESTERDAY, HE SHOWED ME
HOW TO USE THE PLUMBER'S HELPER.
I WENT OVER TO ST. CECILIA'S
AND EARNED A NICKEL UNCLOGGING
FATHER PATTERSON'S CRAPPER.
WHEN WE GROW UP
WE ALL WANT TO BE FIX‐IT
GUYS JUST LIKE HOOCH.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
WELL... I MAY HAVE
MISJUDGED THE POOR SOUL.
LOTS OF PEOPLE MISJUDGE HOOCH.
IF I HAVE BEEN WRONG ABOUT
HOOCH JONES, GIVE ME A SIGN.
WHAT? YOU'RE OUT OF THUNDER?
GOSH!
HEY.
HI.
SO DID THEY RUN THE
"SAVE THE SHOWBOAT" PIECE?
NO. THEY BUMPED IT FOR
AN ENTHRALLING EDITORIAL
ON FAKE FAT.
I MEAN, WHY SAVE A CULTURAL ICON
WHEN YOU CAN EXPOUND
ON TOLLHOUSE COOKIES
THAT SLIDE RIGHT THROUGH YOU?
WELL, WHY DON'T WE BOMBARD
THE PLANNING COMMISSION
WITH TELEGRAMS?
THE ONLY REASON
BARETTA IS ON TV TODAY
IS BECAUSE I SENT HUNDREDS
OF THEM TO THE NETWORK.
BARETTA HAS BEEN
CANCELED FOR YEARS.
BARETTA'S NOT CANCELED.
IT'S ON HIATUS.
OOH.
HEY, KYLE.
I CAME FROM THE DEMOLITION YARD.
UH‐HUH.
I TOLD MY BUDDIES
HOW IMPORTANT THE SHOWBOAT WAS
TO JAZZ HISTORY.
AS SOON AS THEY
WIPED BACK THE TEARS
THEY BEGAN TO LOAD THE DYNAMITE
BACK INTO THE PICKUP.
HELLO?
HI. OH! OH!
KYLE, IT'S MAX,
CALLING FROM CITY HALL.
COOL.
HEY, MAX.
UH‐HUH.
UH‐HUH.
UH‐HUH.
YEAH, WELL, YOU DID
WHAT YOU COULD DO.
YEAH, THANKS ANYWAY.
PEACE.
SO?!
IT DIDN'T WORK, SYNCLAIRE.
BUT IF I HAVE TO THROW MYSELF
IN FRONT OF THAT
BULLDOZER TO STOP THEM
FROM DEMOLISHING THAT
CLUB, THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.
HEY THERE.
OH, KYLE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT BIG MAX
SENT YOU PACKING.
I COULDN'T GO BACK TO CLEVELAND
WITHOUT HEARING
KAY SING ONE LAST TIME.
HOW MANY OF THOSE
PICTURES YOU GOING TO SIGN?
FIVE THOUSAND.
ONE FOR EVERY FAN ATTENDING
MY CHRISTMAS SHOW THIS AUGUST.
Big Max: OH, KYLE.
BARKER!
YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART.
I KNEW YOU'D COME CRAWLING BACK
FOR YOUR JOB.
BUT, I'LL DO YOU ONE BETTER.
DO THE BOX SPRING BOOGIE WITH ME
AND I'LL LET YOU SING.
DOESN'T TRADING A FAVOR
FOR A MEANINGLESS PHYSICAL
ENCOUNTER BOTHER YOU?
HEY, HEY, HEY, I'M NO FLOOZY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO
THE NOOKIE‐SNOOKIE WITH ME
UNTIL YOU WHISPER
SWEET NOTHINGS IN MY EAR.
YOU'RE A DISGUSTING,
PERVERTED WITCH.
THAT WORKS FOR ME.
OH, MISS CLAIRE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I CAME TO APOLOGIZE.
YOUR TURNED THE OTHER
CHEEK AND I BELTED IT.
OH, HOOCH, WHY
NOT LEAVE THIS LIFE
OF WRETCHED, VULGAR YUCKINESS?
AH, NOT TO WORRY,
MY SOUL‐SAVING SIREN.
I'VE JUST MADE ENOUGH MONEY
TO MAKE THE FINAL TWO REPAIRS
TO THE ORPHANAGE.
A NEW ROOF AND A PUTTING GREEN.
AS OF TOMORROW
I'LL BE OBEDIAH JONES.
FULL‐TIME CHURCH‐GOING
CARPENTRY TEACHER.
SORRY, BIG MAX, I WON'T BE
ABLE TO SING HERE TONIGHT
OR EVER AGAIN.
YOU SEE, MR. FASSBINDER
HERE FROM TURNAROUND STUDIOS
IS TAKING ME TO HOLLYWOOD.
I'M GOING TO DO THE TALKIES.
LEAVE ME IN A LURCH LIKE THIS?
WHY I'LL PUT A
BULLET IN YOUR EAR.
HEY, HEY.
YOU ONLY KILL MEN, REMEMBER?
DAMN!
GOODBYE, EVERYONE.
THANK YOU.
TRY THE VEAL.
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
WHO DO I GET TO PERFORM?
AW...
ALL RIGHT, BARITONE
BUNS... YOU'RE ON.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU THINK YOU CAN
JUST SNAP YOUR FINGERS
AND I'LL GET UP ON
THIS STAGE AND SING?
DO YOU KNOW "SWEET
GEORGIA BROWN"?
UM, HOW ABOUT
"AIN'T MISBEHAVIN'"?
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"?
NO.
LOOK, JUST GIVE ME AN INTRO
AND WORK WITH ME.
AH!
Hooch: IT'S A RAID!
RAID!
Claire: OH! OH, NO!
Officer: MOVE IT ALONG NOW.
OH, COME ON, O'KEEFE!
IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T HAVE
AN UNDERSTANDING HERE.
YOU NEVER CALL. YOU DON'T WRITE.
YOU'RE GOING DOWNTOWN.
OH, OBEDIAH.
YEAH... UH... HERE.
MAKE SURE THE KIDS
GET THE NEW ROOF
THE PUTTING GREEN
AND THEIR PANCAKES.
AND REMEMBER, ON THE WEEKENDS
THEY LIKE SEASONAL BERRIES.
WAIT. OFFICER... OFFICER, LOOK.
THE ONLY DREAM
I'VE EVER HAD WAS TO
GET UP HERE AND SING
AT THE SHOWBOAT CLUB.
SO, PLEASE, CAN YOU
JUST TURN AROUND
AND LET ME CROON FOR A MINUTE?
A MAN WITH A DREAM, IS IT?
IT, IT BRINGS A TEAR TO ME EYE
AND A LUMP TO ME THROAT.
SAY, DO YOU KNOW "WHEN
IRISH EYES ARE SMILING"?
NO.
MOVE IT ALONG THEN.
I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.
CAN I GET MY HAT?
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING.
UM, EXCUSE ME.
I'M WORKING TO TRY TO GET THIS
PLACE PRESERVED AS A LANDMARK.
IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN
POSTPONE THE DEMOLITION?
NOT EVEN IF YOU DOVE IN
FRONT OF THE BULLDOZER.
I WAS AFRAID OF THAT.
WELL, LOOK, CAN I HAVE FIVE
MINUTES TO LOOK AROUND
AND SAY MY LAST GOOD‐BYES?
NO WAY.
HOW ABOUT DONUTS?
OKAY, FELLAS, BREAK TIME!
♪ EVERY HONEYBEE ♪
♪ FILLS WITH JEALOUSY... ♪
HMM.
♪ WHEN THEY... ♪
♪ SEE YOU OUT WITH ME... ♪
♪ I DON'T BLAME THEM ♪
♪ GOODNESS KNOWS ♪
♪ MY HONEY ♪
♪ MY HONEYSUCKLE ROSE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE PASSING BY ♪
♪ FLOWERS DROOP AND SIGH ♪
♪ AND YOU AND I KNOW
THE REASON WHY ♪
♪ YOU'RE MUCH SWEETER ♪
♪ GOODNESS KNOWS ♪
♪ MY HONEYSUCKLE ROSE ♪
♪ DON'T BUY SUGAR ♪
♪ YOU JUST HAVE
TO TOUCH MY CUP ♪
♪ OH, YOU'RE MY SUGAR ♪
♪ SO SWEET WHEN YOU STIR IT UP ♪
♪ WHEN I'M TAKING SIPS
FROM YOUR TASTY LIPS... ♪
♪ SEEMS THE HONEY... ♪
♪ FAIRLY DRIPS ♪
♪ YOU'RE CONFECTION ♪
♪ GOODNESS KNOWS ♪
♪ MY HONEY ♪
♪ MY HONEYSUCKLE ROSE. ♪
THANK YOU.
AND GOOD NIGHT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT'S WRONG, KYLE?
"72‐YEAR‐OLD WOMAN
GIVES BIRTH TO TWINS."
THE KIDS
PROBABLY HAVE MORE
TEETH THAN THEIR MOTHER.
I WAS LOOKING AT THIS ARTICLE.
THEY ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO
TEAR DOWN THE SHOWBOAT CLUB.
IS THAT THAT OLD JAZZ CLUB
YOU KEEP RATTLING ON ABOUT?
"OLD JAZZ CLUB"?
TRY ONE OF THE PLACES
WHERE JAZZ WAS BORN.
Khadijah: LEVEL IT?
THE OWNERS CLOSED THE
CLUB ABOUT SIX MONTHS AGO
BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T
BRING THE BUILDING UP TO CODE.
I SPOKE TO SOME INVESTORS,
BUT THEY WANTED TO INVEST
IN SOMETHING SAFER, LIKE
COLORING BOOKS ON TAPE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?
IT'S LIKE WE GOT NO
RESPECT FOR THE PAST.
MUST ALL OUR CULTURAL SHRINES
FALL PREY TO CAPITALISM'S GODS
LIKE THE STRIP MALL
AND CHAIN STORE?
THEY'RE TEARING IT DOWN
TO BUILD A HARDWARE HEAVEN.
HEY, TIME MARCHES ON.
♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪
♪ HEY ♪
♪ SINGLE ♪
♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪
♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ WHAT? ♪
♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪
♪ WHENEVER THIS
LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪
♪ MY HOMEGIRL
STANDING TO MY LEFT ♪
♪ AND MY RIGHT ♪
♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S
TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪
♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪
Captioning sponsored by FOX
BROADCASTING COMPANY
IT SAYS HERE THE
SHOWBOAT WAS A HAVEN
FOR SOME OF PROHIBITION'S
MOST FAMOUS GANGSTERS
LIKE JONAS "STILETTO" McGURKY.
RENOWNED FOR GUNNING DOWN
PEOPLE WHILE WEARING HIGH HEELS.
YOU KNOW, THE JAZZ AGE
WAS VERY MUCH LIKE ME‐‐
FASCINATING,
FABULOUS, GLAMOROUS.
SHOOT, IF I HAD
LIVED IN THE '20s
I'D HAVE BEEN A REAL
DIVA LIKE JOSEPHINE BAKER.
YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN
DELUDED LIKE YOU ARE NOW.
MAX, CAN WE GET
SOME KIND OF LEGAL INJUNCTION
TO KEEP THEM FROM
TEARING THE PLACE DOWN?
IF THE CITY DESIGNATES IT A
LANDMARK, NO ONE CAN TOUCH IT.
OH, THAT'S BRILLIANT, MAX.
IF I COULD KISS YOU
WITHOUT CUTTING MY LIPS
ON YOUR HORNS, I WOULD.
I'M NOT HELPING
YOU SAVE THE PLACE.
I MIGHT BRING A TWISTED SMILE
TO THAT GROTESQUE FACE.
SAY, THIS IS INTERESTING.
SEEMS THE SHOWBOAT'S
PROPRIETOR WAS A WOMAN
WHO TOOK PLEASURE IN
HUMILIATING HER MALE EMPLOYEES.
I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
YOU KNOW, MY GREAT
UNCLE ACTUALLY SANG
AT THE SHOWBOAT CLUB.
YEAH.
I ALWAYS HAD THIS NOTION THAT
ONE DAY I'D GET TO SING THERE.
MAN, THAT PLACE
BACK IN ITS HEYDAY‐‐
OOH, CHAMPAGNE POPPING,
HOT WOMEN, COOL JAZZ.
ARE YOU TALKING TO US?
NO, I'M GOING ON A FLASHBACK.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
♪ IF I BALL AND
DRESS UP SPORTY ♪
♪ LIVE AND DIE BEFORE I'M 40 ♪
♪ T'AIN'T YOUR BUSINESS ♪
♪ T'AIN'T MY BUSINESS ♪
♪ T'AIN'T HER BUSINESS ♪
♪ T'AIN'T THEIR BUSINESS ♪
♪ T'AIN'T NOBODY'S
BUSINESS IF I DO ♪
♪ YEAH. ♪
THANK YOU.
I NEED A BREAK AND A BELT.
ALL MY LIFE I'VE ONLY HAD
ONE DREAM, MISS FITZSIMMONS
AND THAT'S TO GET UP
ON THAT STAGE AND SING.
WE ALL HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE.
EVEN ME.
ZELDA FITZSIMMONS,
INTERNATIONAL SENSATION.
GEE, MISS FITZSIMMONS,
I'VE BEEN WONDERING
WHEN YOU PERFORM... YES.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WHAT DO I DO?
YEAH.
I'M AN INTERNATIONAL SENSATION.
BARKER, STOP FLAPPING
YOUR FAT GUMS.
TABLE FOUR NEEDS WATER
TABLE TWO NEEDS A FORK
AND TABLE EIGHT
DOESN'T NEED ANYTHING
BUT I WANT YOU TO
WALK OVER THERE
'CAUSE I LIKE WATCHING
YOUR POCKETS MOVE.
ANYTHING ELSE, MISS BIG MAX?
YOU DON'T HAVE
TO CALL ME BIG MAX.
LET ME PEEK
UNDERNEATH THAT APRON
AND YOU CAN CALL
ME SUGAR DRAWERS.
HEY, HEY.
I'M SORRY
BUT I'M JUST NOT
THAT KIND OF GUY.
I WILL NOT WALK THROUGH
A DOOR MARKED "WHOOPEE"
UNLESS IT'S INTO A
BUNGALOW MARKED "MARRIAGE."
I'M JUST TALKING
ABOUT A LITTLE NOOKIE
ON THE FRONT PORCH.
WELL!
HEY, BIG MAX.
I BET HE'D BE GRATEFUL
FOR A LITTLE STAGE TIME.
THIS KID WANTS TO CROON.
FAT CHANCE.
BEFORE I LET A
BUSBOY ON MY STAGE
I'LL LET MY MILKMAN, SAMMY DAVIS
PUT HIS KID UP THERE.
THINGS WILL TURN AROUND, KID.
THEY DID FOR ME.
WHY, I REMEMBER
AFTER THAT HORSE
KICKED ME IN MY HEAD
THINGS LOOKED BLEAK FOR A WHILE.
BUT THEN MY DOG STARTED GIVING
ME SOME REALLY GOOD ADVICE.
YES, HE DID.
YES, HE DID.
YES.
YES, HE DID.
HOOCH!
HOOCH, YOU'RE 20 MINUTES
LATE WITH THE MOONSHINE.
WHAT GIVES?
HEY, MY MECHANIC OVERCHARGED ME
SO I HAD TO PULL
OUT ALL HIS TEETH.
IT MAKES SENSE.
WHEN MY DENTIST STUCK ME,
I REALIGNED HIS FRONT‐END.
YOU DIDN'T RUB HIM OUT?
YOU'RE GETTING SOFT THERE.
AHH, NOT HOOCH JONES.
HELLO THERE.
KEEP DRINKING AND
YOU'LL BURN IN HELL.
HOW ARE THINGS?
OH, I SEE YOU CAN'T TALK.
BUSY SUCKING DOWN
YOUR DAMNATION.
PRAISE THE LORD.
HEY, WHO'S THE VIXEN
WITH ALL THE FIXIN'S?
HER?
THAT'S CLAIRE.
SHE'S FROM THE
TEMPERANCE LEAGUE.
BARKER, HOW DID SISTER SOBRIETY
GET PAST SECURITY?
SHE GAVE THE PASSWORD.
"REPENT."
I'VE GOT TO CHANGE IT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, BIG MAX,
INTRODUCE ME TO HER
AND I'LL GIVE YOU A FREE CASE
OF MY IMPORTED BATHTUB GIN.
MISS JAMES, YOU
WERE GREAT TONIGHT.
DON'T LIMIT ME, KID.
I'M GREAT EVERY NIGHT.
WELL, I'VE JUST GOT TO ASK YOU.
WHAT'S THE SECRET
TO YOUR SUCCESS?
BARKER, BARKER, BARKER.
THERE'S REALLY ONLY
ONE WAY TO SING THE BLUES
AND THAT IS TO SUFFER
SO I REFUSED TO
DIVORCE MY HUSBAND.
HAVE ANOTHER.
YOU'LL BE AWFULLY
THIRSTY IN HADES.
Max: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
JESUS LOVES YOU.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, HERE.
LOOK, HOOCH JONES,
CLAIRE THE BIBLE‐THUMPER.
CLAIRE THE BIBLE‐THUMPER,
HOOCH JONES.
HOOCH JONES?
THE NOTORIOUS BOOTLEGGER
AND LOWEST, VILEST
FORM OF LIFE ON EARTH?
OH, A FAN.
WELL, LET ME JUST
AUTOGRAPH THOSE LIPS.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE.
HEY, KYLE, HOW'S THE "SAVE THE
SHOWBOAT" CAMPAIGN COMING?
WELL, BUD, I THINK I'VE
GOT ALL BASES COVERED.
KHADIJAH'S GOT A
FRIEND AT THE DAILY NEWS.
HE'S GOING TO SEE IF HE
CAN GET AN EDITORIAL IN.
MAX'S FRIEND AT CITY HALL
IS GOING TO FILE FOR
LANDMARK STATUS.
HEY, MAN, I WISH YOU'D PUT
HALF THIS ENERGY
INTO DOING THE DISHES.
YOU KNOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
I DON'T CARE IF THEY
ADHERE TO THE SINK.
THE CLUB IS SCHEDULED
FOR DEMOLITION
DAY AFTER TOMORROW.
YOU'VE GOT CONSTRUCTION BUDDIES.
CAN'T YOU SEE IF THEY
CAN ARRANGE FOR A DELAY?
I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE HARDWARE HEAVEN.
NOW, IF YOU WAS TALKING
ABOUT BUILDING A SCHOOL
BANG, YOU WAS IN THERE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
ENOUGH, ALREADY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?
EDWARD ELLINGTON
BUT EVERYONE CALLS ME "DUKE."
WELL, DUKE, TRY THE ACCORDION.
THEY LOVE IT AT WEDDINGS.
SCRAM.
OH, KYLE.
HERE'S YOUR CHANCE.
WHAT, YOU THINK I
SHOULD AUDITION?
NO, DIESEL JUST CAME
OUT OF THE MEN'S ROOM
AND YOU SAID YOU HAD TO GO.
THREE HOURS OF AUDITIONS,
AND NOTHING BUT BUMS.
ETHEL WATERS, JELLY ROLL MORTON
EUBIE BLAKE, LOU GEHRIG.
IS THERE ANY TALENT
LEFT IN HARLEM?
♪ YES SIR, THAT'S MY BABY ♪
♪ NO SIR, I DON'T MEAN MAYBE ♪
♪ YES SIR ♪
♪ THAT'S MY BABY NOW... ♪
BARKER.
YES, BIG MAX?
WOULD YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?
I'M TRYING TO THINK HERE.
OH, THAT'S IT.
LOOK, I'VE GOT TO
GET THIS OFF MY CHEST.
YOU WOULD NOT KNOW TALENT
IF IT CAME DOWN HERE AND
CHARLESTONS ON YOUR ASS.
NOW, MAYBE SAYING
THIS WILL GET ME KILLED
BUT AT THIS POINT
I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
OH, OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
I CARE AGAIN NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, KID?
YOU GOT MOXIE.
BUT YOU'RE LONG‐WINDED
AND POMPOUS.
TURN IN YOUR APRON.
YOU'RE FIRED.
I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I
GET MY SEVERANCE PAY.
DIESEL, GIVE HIM
HIS SEVERANCE PAY.
Claire: REPENT!
REPENT, SINNERS!
LIQUOR IS THE DEVIL'S DRINK!
IT'S BEELZEBUB'S BEVERAGE!
SAVE YOUR SOUL,
SINNER. SAVE YOUR SOUL.
HELLO, GORGEOUS.
LORD, GIVE ME STRENGTH.
NOW, MISS CLAIRE
BEFORE YOU LOOSEN
ANY MORE OF MY TEETH
I JUST THOUGHT I'D STOP DOWN
AND HELP OUT THE CAUSE A LITTLE.
OH, THE LAST THING
THE CAUSE NEEDS
IS YOUR DIRTY LIQUOR MONEY.
OH, NO, THIS IS NOT MY
DIRTY LIQUOR MONEY.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A
SPIFFY DADDY WARBUCKS 'DO
DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GOING
TO RATTLE MY TAMBOURINE.
OKAY.
PERHAPS WE, UH, GOT
OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT.
LET'S JUST, UH,
KISS AND MAKE UP.
HEY, LADY, HAVE YOU
SEEN HOOCH JONES?
WHAT POSSIBLE BUSINESS
COULD YOU LITTLE ANGELS HAVE
WITH THAT NO‐GOOD HEATHEN?
WE WANT TO THANK
HIM FOR BUILDING US
A SWELL KITCHEN
AT THE ORPHANAGE.
AND FOR COOKING US
A BIG PANCAKE BREAKFAST
AND EVERYTHING.
PANCAKES? KITCHEN?
EVERYTHING?
SURE.
WHEN HE ISN'T COOKING
HE SHOWS US HOW TO FIX STUFF.
YESTERDAY, HE SHOWED ME
HOW TO USE THE PLUMBER'S HELPER.
I WENT OVER TO ST. CECILIA'S
AND EARNED A NICKEL UNCLOGGING
FATHER PATTERSON'S CRAPPER.
WHEN WE GROW UP
WE ALL WANT TO BE FIX‐IT
GUYS JUST LIKE HOOCH.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
WELL... I MAY HAVE
MISJUDGED THE POOR SOUL.
LOTS OF PEOPLE MISJUDGE HOOCH.
IF I HAVE BEEN WRONG ABOUT
HOOCH JONES, GIVE ME A SIGN.
WHAT? YOU'RE OUT OF THUNDER?
GOSH!
HEY.
HI.
SO DID THEY RUN THE
"SAVE THE SHOWBOAT" PIECE?
NO. THEY BUMPED IT FOR
AN ENTHRALLING EDITORIAL
ON FAKE FAT.
I MEAN, WHY SAVE A CULTURAL ICON
WHEN YOU CAN EXPOUND
ON TOLLHOUSE COOKIES
THAT SLIDE RIGHT THROUGH YOU?
WELL, WHY DON'T WE BOMBARD
THE PLANNING COMMISSION
WITH TELEGRAMS?
THE ONLY REASON
BARETTA IS ON TV TODAY
IS BECAUSE I SENT HUNDREDS
OF THEM TO THE NETWORK.
BARETTA HAS BEEN
CANCELED FOR YEARS.
BARETTA'S NOT CANCELED.
IT'S ON HIATUS.
OOH.
HEY, KYLE.
I CAME FROM THE DEMOLITION YARD.
UH‐HUH.
I TOLD MY BUDDIES
HOW IMPORTANT THE SHOWBOAT WAS
TO JAZZ HISTORY.
AS SOON AS THEY
WIPED BACK THE TEARS
THEY BEGAN TO LOAD THE DYNAMITE
BACK INTO THE PICKUP.
HELLO?
HI. OH! OH!
KYLE, IT'S MAX,
CALLING FROM CITY HALL.
COOL.
HEY, MAX.
UH‐HUH.
UH‐HUH.
UH‐HUH.
YEAH, WELL, YOU DID
WHAT YOU COULD DO.
YEAH, THANKS ANYWAY.
PEACE.
SO?!
IT DIDN'T WORK, SYNCLAIRE.
BUT IF I HAVE TO THROW MYSELF
IN FRONT OF THAT
BULLDOZER TO STOP THEM
FROM DEMOLISHING THAT
CLUB, THAT'S WHAT I'LL DO.
HEY THERE.
OH, KYLE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I THOUGHT BIG MAX
SENT YOU PACKING.
I COULDN'T GO BACK TO CLEVELAND
WITHOUT HEARING
KAY SING ONE LAST TIME.
HOW MANY OF THOSE
PICTURES YOU GOING TO SIGN?
FIVE THOUSAND.
ONE FOR EVERY FAN ATTENDING
MY CHRISTMAS SHOW THIS AUGUST.
Big Max: OH, KYLE.
BARKER!
YOU'RE BREAKING MY HEART.
I KNEW YOU'D COME CRAWLING BACK
FOR YOUR JOB.
BUT, I'LL DO YOU ONE BETTER.
DO THE BOX SPRING BOOGIE WITH ME
AND I'LL LET YOU SING.
DOESN'T TRADING A FAVOR
FOR A MEANINGLESS PHYSICAL
ENCOUNTER BOTHER YOU?
HEY, HEY, HEY, I'M NO FLOOZY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO
THE NOOKIE‐SNOOKIE WITH ME
UNTIL YOU WHISPER
SWEET NOTHINGS IN MY EAR.
YOU'RE A DISGUSTING,
PERVERTED WITCH.
THAT WORKS FOR ME.
OH, MISS CLAIRE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I CAME TO APOLOGIZE.
YOUR TURNED THE OTHER
CHEEK AND I BELTED IT.
OH, HOOCH, WHY
NOT LEAVE THIS LIFE
OF WRETCHED, VULGAR YUCKINESS?
AH, NOT TO WORRY,
MY SOUL‐SAVING SIREN.
I'VE JUST MADE ENOUGH MONEY
TO MAKE THE FINAL TWO REPAIRS
TO THE ORPHANAGE.
A NEW ROOF AND A PUTTING GREEN.
AS OF TOMORROW
I'LL BE OBEDIAH JONES.
FULL‐TIME CHURCH‐GOING
CARPENTRY TEACHER.
SORRY, BIG MAX, I WON'T BE
ABLE TO SING HERE TONIGHT
OR EVER AGAIN.
YOU SEE, MR. FASSBINDER
HERE FROM TURNAROUND STUDIOS
IS TAKING ME TO HOLLYWOOD.
I'M GOING TO DO THE TALKIES.
LEAVE ME IN A LURCH LIKE THIS?
WHY I'LL PUT A
BULLET IN YOUR EAR.
HEY, HEY.
YOU ONLY KILL MEN, REMEMBER?
DAMN!
GOODBYE, EVERYONE.
THANK YOU.
TRY THE VEAL.
WHAT DO I DO NOW?
WHO DO I GET TO PERFORM?
AW...
ALL RIGHT, BARITONE
BUNS... YOU'RE ON.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU THINK YOU CAN
JUST SNAP YOUR FINGERS
AND I'LL GET UP ON
THIS STAGE AND SING?
DO YOU KNOW "SWEET
GEORGIA BROWN"?
UM, HOW ABOUT
"AIN'T MISBEHAVIN'"?
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"?
NO.
LOOK, JUST GIVE ME AN INTRO
AND WORK WITH ME.
AH!
Hooch: IT'S A RAID!
RAID!
Claire: OH! OH, NO!
Officer: MOVE IT ALONG NOW.
OH, COME ON, O'KEEFE!
IT'S NOT LIKE WE DON'T HAVE
AN UNDERSTANDING HERE.
YOU NEVER CALL. YOU DON'T WRITE.
YOU'RE GOING DOWNTOWN.
OH, OBEDIAH.
YEAH... UH... HERE.
MAKE SURE THE KIDS
GET THE NEW ROOF
THE PUTTING GREEN
AND THEIR PANCAKES.
AND REMEMBER, ON THE WEEKENDS
THEY LIKE SEASONAL BERRIES.
WAIT. OFFICER... OFFICER, LOOK.
THE ONLY DREAM
I'VE EVER HAD WAS TO
GET UP HERE AND SING
AT THE SHOWBOAT CLUB.
SO, PLEASE, CAN YOU
JUST TURN AROUND
AND LET ME CROON FOR A MINUTE?
A MAN WITH A DREAM, IS IT?
IT, IT BRINGS A TEAR TO ME EYE
AND A LUMP TO ME THROAT.
SAY, DO YOU KNOW "WHEN
IRISH EYES ARE SMILING"?
NO.
MOVE IT ALONG THEN.
I HAVEN'T GOT ALL DAY.
CAN I GET MY HAT?
ALL RIGHT, I'M GOING.
UM, EXCUSE ME.
I'M WORKING TO TRY TO GET THIS
PLACE PRESERVED AS A LANDMARK.
IS THERE ANY WAY I CAN
POSTPONE THE DEMOLITION?
NOT EVEN IF YOU DOVE IN
FRONT OF THE BULLDOZER.
I WAS AFRAID OF THAT.
WELL, LOOK, CAN I HAVE FIVE
MINUTES TO LOOK AROUND
AND SAY MY LAST GOOD‐BYES?
NO WAY.
HOW ABOUT DONUTS?
OKAY, FELLAS, BREAK TIME!
♪ EVERY HONEYBEE ♪
♪ FILLS WITH JEALOUSY... ♪
HMM.
♪ WHEN THEY... ♪
♪ SEE YOU OUT WITH ME... ♪
♪ I DON'T BLAME THEM ♪
♪ GOODNESS KNOWS ♪
♪ MY HONEY ♪
♪ MY HONEYSUCKLE ROSE ♪
♪ WHEN YOU'RE PASSING BY ♪
♪ FLOWERS DROOP AND SIGH ♪
♪ AND YOU AND I KNOW
THE REASON WHY ♪
♪ YOU'RE MUCH SWEETER ♪
♪ GOODNESS KNOWS ♪
♪ MY HONEYSUCKLE ROSE ♪
♪ DON'T BUY SUGAR ♪
♪ YOU JUST HAVE
TO TOUCH MY CUP ♪
♪ OH, YOU'RE MY SUGAR ♪
♪ SO SWEET WHEN YOU STIR IT UP ♪
♪ WHEN I'M TAKING SIPS
FROM YOUR TASTY LIPS... ♪
♪ SEEMS THE HONEY... ♪
♪ FAIRLY DRIPS ♪
♪ YOU'RE CONFECTION ♪
♪ GOODNESS KNOWS ♪
♪ MY HONEY ♪
♪ MY HONEYSUCKLE ROSE. ♪
THANK YOU.
AND GOOD NIGHT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.