Living Single (1993–1998): Season 3, Episode 22 - Woman to Woman - full transcript

Okay, okay, here we are.

At a demonstration in
front of the student union.

That's me, there's
Max, and that's Shayla.

Oh, that's Max's
legendary roommate, huh?

She's pretty.

Well, that's 'cause she's
standing next to Max.

They're not here yet?

Max, they weren't here

two minutes ago when you called

from your stoopin',
they're not here now.

Well, sorry. You
know, I just can't believe



my girl's getting married.

You know, back at
school, she bet me

I'd be the first to
jump the broom.

So she drank pretty
much around the clock.

Regine, why don't you
click your heels three times

and go to hell?

Kinda scared of the two of
y'all gettin' back together again.

Even the wrestling
team was afraid of 'em.

Ah, you put a little super
glue on a wrestling mat

and everybody starts screamin'.

Damn, you look like hell.

I see you had them three sixes
removed from you forehead.

‐ Khadija. Ooh. ‐ Shayla. Oh.

Them, this is Shayla.
Shayla, this is them.



‐ Hey, girl. ‐ 'Hi.'

Hey, you know I thought
your fiance was coming.

Or did he get smart and
bail out over Lake Michigan?

Chris is parking the car, and..

Max, there's something
I should tell you.

Something I should have
told you a long time ago.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did I used to date this guy?

Doubtful.

Ugh, a parking space
opened up right out‐front.

Hey, guys.

Everybody, meet Chris.

Hey, girl.

Chris? As in fiance Chris?

Yeah.

Lesbians. Neat, neat.

We don't need these.

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a
nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ What ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪

♪ What you want
no free position ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

Max, I've heard
so much about you.

I mean, I feel like I know you.

Funny, I had you
pictured a little differently.

I thought you'd be a man.

Well, if you heard her
Yaphet Kotto impression

you'd swear she was.

Yaphet Kotto. Yaphet
Kotto. Yaphet Kotto.

'That is funny.
That is a funny man.'

Look, Max, I know I
dropped a bomb, but‐‐.

But‐but what, what, what?

I mean, one minute I'm
waiting to check out Mr. Right

and the next I'm wondering
how she handles PMS.

You know, Max, I'm sorry.

I mean, I tried to
tell you for years.

But every time I called, I
just couldn't find the words.

"I'm gay" is a real toll saver.

Uh, so girls, Peppermint Patty.

Is she or isn't she?

Max, maybe you should forget

about throwing this
bridal shower for us.

‐ I can't do that.
‐ Are you sure?

Yeah, Synclaire's got
her heart set on this thing.

She's even made
roses out of toilet paper.

Max, are we cool?

Yeah.

We're cool.

I just hope I can get back the
deposit on the male stripper.

I‐I hate to do this,
but, um, we gotta go.

We have to meet with
the caterer in a half hour.

Yeah, the man's
gettin' carried away.

He wants to do pate
in the shape of breasts.

Max, are you gonna
walk us to the car?

Yeah, I'm gonna
walk 'em to the car.

If you looking for
me, I'll be at the car.

Alright, let's go to the car.

Hey, Max.

And who are these
two gorgeous women

who obviously don't realize the
awful company they're keeping?

Chris and Shayla from Seattle.

The grinning peacock is Kyle.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, the pleasure is mine.

‐ Hello. ‐ Hello.

And should you require
a tour of our fair city

I'm the ultimate
guide to Gotham.

Great, you can show us
all the lesbian hangouts.

You okay, shorty?

Huh? Oh..

Yeah, Max just left the building

with... two beautiful gay women.

You soured that woman
on the whole male species.

Overton, you may go now.

Hey, hey, you
wanna come with me?

Solly Suit World is having
their annual almost‐wool sale.

Plus, they're haulin'
out the used sock bin.

You match em, you keep em.

Overton, before I
allow this brownstone

to be hit by your
fashion tsunami

I'm going to do for you what
I have done for no one else.

I'm going to hook you up

with my own personal
tailor, Mr. Mfume.

Mmm.

Kyle, didn't you read the lease?

"Occupancy by more
than one clotheshorse

is both unlawful and dangerous."

Would it change your mind
if I told you that Mr. Mfume

dresses some of
television's top stars?

What, that supposed
to impress me?

Including Bob Vila.

Well, I suppose looking
at a few fabric swatches

couldn't hurt nobody.

I am blown away.

By what?

Look, if Shayla didn't
feel close enough

to share something
this important until now

what does it say
about our friendship?

I mean, come on!

Aren't you a little upset,
finding out like this?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm upset.

I'm damn upset.

Hold up!

When did she tell you?

Just a little bit
before you, that's all.

How much before?

Junior year.

No! Dong‐a‐dee,
dong, dong, dong!

I mean, shoot!

I mean, gosh. I mean,
does everybody know?

What is it, the joke's on me?

Max, she just wanted to
tell you in her own time.

When would that be? After
the second turkey‐baster baby?

Max, I don't know why
she waited all this time.

But she told you.

Now, deal with it.

But I told her every
grisly detail of my life.

Including that little
romp in the cafeteria

with Benny, the plate‐scraper.

You never told me about that.

See how it feels?

Nah! Nah, kid. Nah.

Come on, now. We're
gonna have to lose the sign.

Tsk. Alright,
alright, I'll admit it.

I'm not up on lesbian etiquette.

It's not like I've ever
known any before.

Mm‐hmm. Aunt Gladys was gay.

Aunt Gladys was not gay.

She just never
found the right man.

Like her roommate, Aunt Hazel.

I'll get it.

Welcome to the shower.
Drinks are on the table.

Pu‐pu platter?

Pu‐pu for you.

What the hell is this?

I'm thinking of our guests.

You know I'm cute.

Hey, you know how
enticing I usually look.

Why put out the
banquet if they can't eat?

Well, you succeeded.

You definitely look
like a sack lunch.

Hey, come on in. Hi. Thanks.

‐ 'What's up, girl?
Welcome.' ‐ Hi.

‐ 'Welcome.' ‐ Hi.

'Hey, there.'

You know, I could change
the way you look at the world.

Eh, you're just like
the rest of them.

Afraid of men.

Yeah, but that's, uh, that's
Khadija's friend, Jamie.

She's straight.

So she says.

Oh, Overton!

You look good enough to bury.

Well, thank you,
my little pallbearer.

But, uh, I owe it all to Kyle

and his tailor
extraordinaire, Mr. Mfume.

Good looking out.

Wh‐wh‐what the hell is this?

I mean, you have
stolen my whole look.

Everything from
the button pattern

to the cut of the pleats.

These are original
touches that I created

with Mr. Mfume.

And‐and wh‐wh‐what, what's that?

Um, wild guess, uh, lapels.

No.

Those are Barker lapels.

And they are gracing the
suit of a man who believes.

"Do not bleach"
is a designer label.

Man, get up off your high horse.

Mr. Mfume said I
was a tailor's dream

whereas you have some sort
of turkey neck thing working

that makes fitting
you a challenge.

Well, excuse me for
having a bold Adam's apple.

Kyle, just get
over yourself, man.

Oh, I know these lover's
quarrels can be rough.

But if it's any consolation,
think how passionate

it's gonna be when you make up.

Oh, no, no, no, no, that..

Mm. Now, that ain't
no lover's quarrel.

See, he's just mad 'cause he
thinks I'm wearing his clothes.

Damn!

Did I miss anything?

Not that anyone would tell me.

Everybody, it's
the happy couple!

Congratulations!

Thanks, y'all.

Well, Max, I owe you
five dollars, remember?

I bet you that you'd be
the first to take the plunge.

Why don't you keep it?
You hold on to things so well.

Regine.

This is a different
look for you.

It's very cute.

Well, damn, I can't win.

Alright, everybody,
this concludes

the small‐talk portion
of this afternoon.

It's time to meet
the merchandise.

This one's from Regine.

‐ Open and enjoy. ‐ Thank you.

Oh, wow!

A double makeup mirror.

Where did you find this?

In the prop
department of my soap.

I work on "Palo Alto."

‐ Oh, yeah. ‐ Yes..

Well, you guys remember,
they used that in the storyline

with the Siamese twins
who were beauty queens?

Miss North and South Dakota?

Here. Pass this down.
This one's from Max.

I bought that last week before I
found out what everybody else

has apparently known
since the Ice Age.

Max, kitchen.

Sure. After you.

Suddenly, I'm feeling pretty
good about my rice cooker.

What the hell was that?

How could you tell
Khadija and not me?

Trust me, Max, I had my reasons.

Like what?

Look, I don't have to tell you.

Why, you‐you, you didn't
think I could handle having

a roommate that was gay?

No, I didn't think you could
handle having a roommate

who was in love with you.

Now, uh.. Now,
wait a minute. Now..

You.. You, you were what?

You, you felt what?
You, you said what?

See? I knew you
couldn't handle it.

But, I'm, I'm handling.

What? Wait.

Uh..

How long have you been in, uh..

You know, felt
that way about me?

When we first met in the dorm
and you introduced yourself

as Max, the maverick

I didn't know what
to make of you.

Then, before I knew
it, we were best friends.

Then I realized
I was in trouble.

There's got to be a
beer in here somewhere.

I mean there I was,
in the back seat

of Dexter Finley's Firebird

wondering what
kind of person has sex

with sunglasses on?

And I realized I'd
rather be with you.

But you knew I
was straight, right?

Well, I did wonder..

Every time you'd rant about

how men were like snorting
warthogs without charm.

It was those volleyball shorts
I used to wear, wasn't it?

It was a lot of things, Max.

I mean, you're an
incredible woman.

And for years, I kept comparing
you to everybody I met.

And then when Chris came along

I realized I'd
stopped comparing.

And I realized she was the one.

Well, I'm very glad

you found someone you
can be yourself around.

Of course, I am assuming
she knows you're gay.

I'm sure it'll be a
beautiful ceremony.

Wait. You're gonna
be there, right?

Well, gee, I don't know, Shay. I
mean, what would people think?

Everyone whispering
about the other woman.

Fine, Max. Don't come.

The reception hall doesn't
allow children anyway.

And by the way,
those volleyball shorts?

They weren't all that.

Well, you will not believe what
Shayla told me in the kitchen.

Oh, Lord.

Not more whining about
the college roommate.

It seems in college, she
was madly in love with me.

No, girl. When did this happen?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What the hell does
she see in you?

Why did she tell you now?

I, I forced it out of her.

Oh, my goodness. She
had a forbidden love for you.

It's like that paperback I once
found on my father's nightstand.

"Secret Sorority."

You know, all through college,
I went through men like water.

I mean, what does that say about
me that my closest relationship

was with a gay woman?

Well, Max, you
know, I don't claim

to know everything
about homosexuality.

Yeah, well, that
would be a big relief

to the gay community.

It seems to me that if
someone gets to know you

warts and all

and still cares about
you very deeply

that's the best kind
of friend, isn't it?

Synclaire, it's time
for you and lamb chop

to sing a little
night‐night song.

Max, let me ask you something.

The entire time
y'all roomed together

did she ever try
and come on to you?

‐ No. ‐ Okay, so
she played it cool.

That's how much your
friendship mattered to her.

Don't make me go
back and rethink this.

I've already come
up with a bitterness

I feel very comfortable with.

Girl, the seafood at
this restaurant is so fresh

they bring the
fish to your table

behead it, scale
it, gut it, bone it

fry it up right
before your eyes.

Now the chicken dishes,
they get a little messy.

I hope you are happy.

Thanks to yours and
Mr. Mfume's betrayal

I threw myself onto the
needles of another tailor

and what you see is
the wretched result.

It matches and it fits.

I can see why you are perturbed.

Please, the, the jacket
has a back bubble.

See the way it bunches
up like neck‐fat?

And a good pleat should
gallop down the thigh.

Not stagger out of
the gate and collapse.

Are we still talking
about clothing?

Hey, wait a minute.
Hold on, shorty. Um..

Got a little something
that might lift your spirits.

Uh, Mr. Mfume thought
that business card would be

a excellent way to
expand his clientele.

Uh, with your permission.

Suits by Mfume
featuring the Barker lapel.

‐ Ooh‐hoo. ‐ See now, Kyle.

You're gonna be as
famous as Bobby Jacobs

and his Ruffle shirt.

Okay, more famous.

I must go upstairs
and call Mr. Mfume.

I mean, you cannot
market the Barker lapel

without marketing the
Barker waistband pocket.

Oh, and people are going
to clamor for the Kyle cuff.

How'd you get those
cards printed up so fast?

Oh, they're quick
down at Mort's Print

while you bowl.

By the time they
sprayed my rental shoes

the cards were ready.

‐ Come on, mama.
‐ Let's go, daddy.

Hi, Shay.

Max, taking your little
humiliation tour on the road?

Alright, look, we gotta talk.

Can you wait until I'm
back under the dryer?

Ladies, I can't create
with this is kind of tension.

I'll go fluff the other bride.

Look, come on, this whole
thing just took me by surprise.

Max, you can't
have it both ways.

You can't be mad at
me for not telling you

and then mad at
me because I did.

Well, how'd you
expect me to react

when you told me how you felt?

How do you think I felt when I
told you and you looked at me

like I said I was sleeping
with Rush Limbaugh?

That's just sick.

I mean this is just gonna
take me a little time.

I mean, you basically told
me that our whole friendship

was one big lie.

Max, let's lose
the drama, alright?

I admit it. I kept one
secret from you, but that's it.

That's it? Well, think of
all the time we wasted.

All the conversations
we didn't have.

All those chances I would
have had to diss your dates.

I can imagine
some of the heifers

you must've gone out with.

Only one heifer. And she
didn't start out that way.

She just had this
thing for comfort food.

Well, see?

See, we could have
talked about that.

Girl, look..

Maybe if you would
have confessed

all this back in, in school

maybe I would have freaked.

But the point is, I wish you
would have given me the chance

to rise to the occasion.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

If we'd talked
about it back then

maybe I wouldn't have
gotten such a crappy

shower gift from you.

By the way, is there a
reason why your dreads

are so fuzzy in the front?

Fuzzy?

There. You always
were an easy mark.

You always were
a pain in the ass.

I knew it!

You haven't gotten
her out of your system.

‐ We're through. ‐
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You know I don't like her
like that. Now, come here.

Now, who were you
callin' an easy mark?

Yeah. I don't know
what you see in her.

‐ Max. ‐ Oh, thank you.

All this love.

We'll be right back.

'And now, the spring's
scintillating do‐it‐yourself'

'fashion line.'

'You'll call it fabulous.'

'We call it "Handywear."'

'Overton Wakefield Jones,
wears the Obie‐Robie'

'designed by Kyle Barker'

'the couture legend who
brought you the Barker lapel.'

'Careful, that's
Egyptian terry cloth.'

'Be the talk of the
toolshed in "Handywear"'

'by Barker.'

Woo‐hoo.