Living Single (1993–1998): Season 3, Episode 18 - Tibby or Not Tibby - full transcript

Hey, hey. Something came for me?

Yes.

This lovely package

from the very
exclusive Robere's.

And how do you
know where it's from?

Tracking code 878479,
everyone knows that's Robere's.

I'm impressed, yet
frightened. Bye‐bye.

So, uh.. What is it?

Who is it for?

Well, if you must
know, O Bouncy One..

It is a silver bracelet,
um, for my mother.



Oh, ooh, oh, well, Kyle, man

the engraver made
a hell of mistake.

'Cause they spelled
mom, "M‐A‐X."

You opened my box?

It fell open when I
tugged on the tape.

So, is this one of
those gifts that says

"I'm sorry we broke up, let's
get naked and reconcile?"

Regine, the picture
you're painting for me

is making me
queasy and get off me.

No, I ordered this for Max..

Before we broke up, when I
had more money than sense.

Umm..

And she is never
going to hear about this

right, little short person?



Kyle? I can be discreet..

Woo!

For a price.

A‐ha, okay.

I merely want the
gold Robere's box.

It lends an air of
class to any gift.

Oh, Regine, do you honestly
think anyone with taste

is gonna think a gift
comes from Robere's

just because you put
it in a little gold box?

You obviously love the cufflinks

I gave you last Christmas.

Box by Robere's,
links by Walmart.

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And in a nineties
kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirls standing
to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪
♪ Do what you want ♪

♪ No free position ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Yeah..

Ohh‐wha, umm.

Okay, he‐he, yeah.

Wow, if you're like this
when I give you a manicure

what's it gonna be
like I get to your toes?

Oh..

Don't mess with my toes, mama.

Unless you got a
couple of hours to kill.

‐ Get those boots
off, daddy. ‐ Sure.

Oh, don't worry, baby.

‐ I'll get rid of them. ‐ Okay.

‐ Stay right there. ‐ Okay.

Oh, Lord, Uncle Tibby.

Watch out there now!

How's my number one nephew?

What they do, they kick
you out of Cleveland?

Ah, you know I can't
stay cooped up too long.

Every twelve years,
I got to get out, and..

Hey! Strut my stuff.

Now, I was gonna go to New
Orleans to that Mardi Gras

but you know, I
don't look as good

in a feathered
mask as I used to.

Now that real sunshine
must be Synclaire.

Oh... what an honor
it is to meet you.

I feel like you've been
Overton's uncle all my life.

Come here!

Okay, I get it.

You, you happy to see me.

‐ Sit down, sit down. ‐ Ohh.

Oh, girl, this man was
like a second father to me.

Taught me everything.

Right from wrong, up from down.

Church girls from party girls.

You know, my friends
have got to meet you.

Mm..

Go ahead and put your dogs up.

‐ Yeah, I'm tired. ‐ Umm.

Uncle Tibby's here!

You know, the Uncle Tibby from

all of Overton's
Uncle Tibby stories.

Oh, and he's just so huggable.

‐ Come on up, huh? ‐ Well..

You just a 24‐hour
cup of coffee, ain't you?

Ey, where's Aunt Bertha at?

Ey, you know I can't get that

Sunday school teachin'

bourbon hidin', pie
bakin' woman out of Ohio.

Where is he, where.. Ohh..

Uncle Tibby, this is
Regine and Maxine.

Lord, the room is
overflowing with beauty!

Now, Uncle Tibby

it's not fair for you to focus
all your attention on me.

Especially, if you just ate.

Ladies, this is the godfather
of the whole Jones clan.

Nobody made a move
without Uncle Tibby's blessing.

Oh, he's exaggerating..

Did I tell you I got Cousin
Bumpy to come back to church?

Get out! Cousin Bumpy
was a straight‐up heathen!

Woo! Hey, people.

Uncle Tibby?

Lumpy!

‐ "Lumpy?" ‐ "Lumpy?"

"Lumpy?"

I had a little baby
fat when I was young.

A little, when he
walked down the street

he sounded like a marching band.

Flapitty, flapitty, flap‐flap.

See, that is the kind of torment
that can scar a child for life.

No, it was them corduroy
pants that scarred him for life.

Oh, Uncle Tibby,
you're so funny.

Every time you say
something like that

it just make me
want to squeeze you.

Say somethin' else.

You ever considered
pro‐wrestling?

♪ Granny they're expecting you ♪

♪ You're a little late
so come right this way ♪

♪ What say it now
yes say it now yeah ♪

Oh, no, girl, you
doin' it all wrong.

You need less
bounce and more bob.

♪ In the world.. ♪

‐ Hey‐hey. ‐
Hey, look, Khadijah.

It's Lumpy.

Lumpy.

You just couldn't let
that go, could you?

No!

Hell, no, we're gonna be
working that one through

to the next century... Lumpster.

Oh, Lumpster. Okay, okay.

Hey.

Is this the alleged bracelet

that you bought for your
mama with Max's name on it.

Yeah, isn't that
like I told Max.

Yeah, I‐I actually don't
know what to do with it.

You know, I can't take it
back, it's already engraved.

Well, sweety, maybe you'll
meet somebody else named Max.

God couldn't possibly
hate me that much.

Why don't you just give
it to her and move on?

Oh, yeah.

And then every
time she looks at it

she'll think of what
a great guy she lost.

And this will torment her.

Forcing her to move
to another time zone.

I like that.

Excuse me, uh,
would you sorcerers

like anything from the market?

Chickens' feet?

Eye of newts?

You know what, Kyle? Man,
I just can't picture you fat.

I mean, coke bottle glasses

acne‐ridden, braces,
sure, but fat, no.

For the record, I was not fat.

I was husky.

Oh, Regine.

Who threw up on the couch? Ugh.

Well, if it isn't Frances,
the talking mule.

Uh, look.. Get‐get off me.

I have something
that's gonna make you

the envy of all the other
barnyard animals, here.

I got that before the demise
of whatever it was that we had.

Now, look, I know
this is painful for you.

But if you just take a moment‐‐.

Oh, God. Max, open
up the freaking gift.

Read the inscription.

"Always on my mind, Kyle."

Doesn't Willie Nelson
have enough problems

without you tryin'
to steal his lyrics?

Enjoy.

You know, if a human being
had that look on her face

I'd say it was regret.

‐ Mmm. ‐ Can I have that box?

It's all yours.

♪ Woo woo ♪

♪ They say that I
won't last too long ♪

♪ On Broadway ♪

♪ On Broadway ♪

♪ I'll take a Greyhound bus ♪

♪ For home they all say ♪

Stop. Tibby time!

‐ Come on. ‐ No, thank you.

Seven choruses on the
subway was quite enough.

Man, wasn't the
subway great today?

Who would have thought
that we would have seen a..

A pickpocket, a
one‐armed juggler

and a tap dancing
transvestite all in one car, huh?

You could find the
bright side of roadkill.

Food for vultures.

Well, I'm gonna take
a bath, you know.

If I don't get some of
this New York dirt off me

somebody gonna write
"Wash me" on my butt.

You know what, I
have some bath gel

that will leave you
smellin' like firewood

burning on a crisp winter night.

Yeah, if, uh, smelling
like a chimney sweep

don't relax me,
nothing else will.

Alright, I'm gonna get..

Yeah.

You know, I'm really
glad you're here, man.

Yeah, me too. You
done well for yourself.

Nice home, nice job.

And you keepin Lumpy off sweets.

Well, you were the
one that talked me

out of moving back to Cleveland

when I got homesick
my second day here.

I'll never forget your
wise and insightful words.

"Stay."

Hey, I never steered you wrong.

Yeah, and if I hadn't
I never would've met

my sweet lollipop, Synclaire.

‐ 'Overton, about
Synclaire.' ‐ 'Yes, sir.'

You need to dump her.

Dump Synclaire?

Yeah, if I let you carry on
with that bippity‐boppity girl

the whole Jones clan will
put a foot in me so deep

I'd be tasting shoe polish.

Bippity‐boppity..
What you talking about?

Look, a‐a‐anybody
that happy, all the time

is either high on corn whiskey
or she hiding something.

Uh, Synclaire is
like a open book.

As far as getting
high is concerned

the girl get woozy
taking communion.

She trying to get
her hooks in you.

Here you are, a
handyman from Ohio

you're maintaining a
brownstone in Brooklyn.

She knows gold when it glitters.

Yeah, but she sees more
in me than just the glamor.

And what's all
this fool business

about her wantin'
to be an actress?

A‐alright, ho‐ho‐hold on now.

You can't come in my house

talking about my
woman like that, okay?

Now, I know you
wouldn't be getting salty

with your favorite uncle.

Unless I struck a nerve.

Which proves I'm right.

See, you need to cool down.

Let your good sense seep in.

I'mma go get in the tub.

Hey, hold on. We're
not finished with this yet.

You're not letting it seep in.

Do your uncle a favor.

Get me some Lemon
Joy for my bath

and, uh, some Vaseline
for the rusty spots, okay?

Synclaire, you're
pouring orange juice

into the mashed potatoes.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Hmm, the citrus adds a zip
you just can't get with milk.

I think you're onto
something there.

Honey, what's wrong?

I overheard Uncle Tibby
tell Overton to cut me loose.

W‐why would he say that?

I don't know. He even
called me "bippity‐boppity."

That's amazing, who
knew there was a word

that so perfectly describes you.

I tried so hard to
impress that man.

I even baked him cookies.

Well, mistake number one.

Do you understand, that that man

is the Grand Poobah
of Overton's family.

If he doesn't like me, I will
never be Synclaire James‐Jones.

Well, look, Synclaire,
being disliked is often a sign

that you're strong,
that you have character

and that people respect you.

Or that you're a hag
people put up with

because Khadijah
insists on dragging

your behind around with her.

Oh. Now, don't be
so hard on yourself.

Synclaire, I say you
go talk to Overton.

I mean, if there's one
thing I know there's nothing

anyone can say that'll
shake his love for you.

Unless you tell him about
when you used to eat dirt

when you were seven..

Hello, Lumpy.
Lumpy, Lumpy, Lumpy.

Is there no safe haven
for me anywhere?

Down here, The
hound from the hell.

Upstairs, Uncle Fish Fry.

Unless, of course, he's
down at the schoolyard

making fun of
the husky children.

Sorry, he's upstairs
taking a bath

stewing in his own meanness.

If you're lucky, he's
using your washcloth.

Hmm, so I see you're
not wearing your bracelet.

I guess it takes some
people a little longer

to move on than others, huh?

Yeah. I moved on, alright.

I hocked your bracelet..

Used the money to buy these.

One hundred percent
full croc demi‐ankle boots.

You hocked a $400 bracelet

for a pair of fake
crocodile road stompers?

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Before you two come to
blows, give me some time

to just pop some popcorn.

You spent that much money on me?

I must have really
rocked your world.

No! Wait! Kyle! Come on! Ey..

The‐the‐the bag
hasn't even puffed yet.

Hi, Obie. Um,
where's Uncle Tibby?

Oh, knocked out
back in the bedroom.

He said he that, uh, Lemon
Joy and fried baloney sandwiches

is like one big sleeping pill.

I heard what he said. I was
standing right outside the door.

Damn. I'm sorry, baby.

'Cause he had no
right to say those things.

But I tell you what, as
soon as he wakes up

I'm telling him to
pack up that Vaseline

and just slide on outta here.

Obie, you can't.

Then I'd be known as the trollop

who drove a wedge between
you and your favorite uncle.

And‐and‐and your
resentment would grow

and one day you'll be
taking a blowtorch to my trolls

and you won't even know why.

Yeah, it's kind of hard
to argue with that logic.

But I know that if he
got a chance to know you

he'd love you just like I do.

Hey, check this out.

How about tomorrow, I'll
cook us up a real nice dinner?

That could work.

Yeah, you give me
a couple of hours

and you two will be closer
than a tick on a porch dog.

‐ I hope so. ‐ Yeah.

'Cause, hey, if it
comes down to a choice

between you and Uncle Tibby

I'd just have to get
used to my favorite uncle

not being in my life.

It'd just be you and me.

And Uncle Jelly.

Aunt Fanny.

Cousin Slats.

Great Uncle Schmoke‐eye.

And of course, Bob.

Golf? What, your life not
boring enough already?

‐ Hey, Regine. ‐ 'Hey.'

Bootzilla.

I was wondering if I
could get that Robere's box

I wanna put this silver
bracelet back in it.

Well, actually,
Bootzilla crushed it.

But I'm sure we have
something that will

work just as well, let's see.

We got.. Oh! Cartier.

Van Cleef and Arpels.

Miracle mart? Khadijah.

Oh, poor little turned‐out Kyle.

You still aren't
over me yet. Oh..

Well, actually the druggist
had a spray for that.

And while I was down
there getting this out of hock

I met a woman who was
pawning her engagement ring.

We set up a date and if
all goes according to plan

in a couple of weeks, I'll
be seeing her wearing this..

And nothing else.

That's a pretty pathetic woman

who'll accept a gift with
someone else's name on it.

Well, actually the engraving
works to my benefit.

You see, she is the owner
of the state of the art theatre

down on 57th Street.

Not the Imax theatre?

‐ One and the same. ‐ Oh! Ha‐ha!

One downwards stroke
of the engraver's pin.

And I'm back in
the saddle. Psst.

Giddyup, baby.

Ooh. Girl, you look stunning.

Well, I aim to please

although I can't seem
to please everybody.

Mm‐hmm.

Is that neck bones
and rice I smell?

Synclaire, you shouldn't have.

Actually, I didn't,
Overton made it.

Oh! Is this one of those
liberated relationships?

Something wrong with that?

O‐O‐Obie, Obie
aren't those neck bones

jumping out of that pot?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're right.

Uh, Synclaire, why don't you
tell him about how important

your job is down at Flavor?

You got a paying job?

Actually, I'm an office
manager at a major magazine.

Some would say that
I'm the nerve center

of the entire operation.

Oh, really? How'd
you get a job like that?

Well, my cousin,
Khadijah, needed someone.

I was the perfect choice.

Mm‐hmm.

Who needs a resume
when you got a cousin.

Oh, no, she didn't need a
family to get her acting jobs, now.

Listen, let me
tell you. The‐the..

The infomercial
where I get fired.

The play where I was naked.

All me!

Naked?

Oh, next on. Now you
wanna say grace, Uncle Tib?

Yeah, I, I'm gonna pray
she don't take her clothes off.

Okay, that's it.

Uncle Tibby, I, I mean

this in the most
respectful way possible.

Get up out my house.

All this food and we goin' out?

No, you goin' out.

You can't come in here talkin'
about the woman that I love.

Man, she's the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And if you can't get with that

you ought to take
them neck bones to go.

I can't go home.

What d'you mean?

I had a fight with
your Aunt Bertha.

I went to see her
Sunday School youth choir

and I told her they sounded like
a bunch of hyenas giving birth.

Next thing I know, I'm
on a bus headed east.

Damn woman.

I miss her.

Well, why don't you just
call her and apologize?

Yes, and everything
will be all peachy again.

Huh, peachy.

Bertha says peachy.

You got a lot of
Bertha in you, girl.

‐ I'm gonna call Aunt Birdy‐‐
‐ Hold on, hold on, now.

I don't know how to
apologize to that woman.

Well, I'll tell you what,
you can start practicing

on somebody in this room.

I'm sorry I was a little harsh.

Guess you remind
me so much of Bertha

I took my blues out on you.

Oh, you were going
through a tough time.

♪ Woo woo woo woo woo woo ♪

Does Bertha do that too?

Hell, no.

Hey, Aunt Birdy‐bird, it's Obie.

Hey.. Hey, you got it.

Hey, Bertha.

Ti‐Tiberius here.

Uh, I'm, I'm sorry, honey.

I'd like to come home.

I didn't mean what I
said about the children.

'They sound like angels.'

Tone‐deaf angels.

Ber‐Bertha! Bertha!

Damn!

Look, uh, I'm gonna need
a couple of nights here

to work on this apology thing.

Well, that's just
fine. Just fine.

It'll give me a
chance to wow you

with my one‐woman interpretation
of "A Raisin In The Sun."

"Winnie!"

'Come on, Uncle Tibby, come on.'

Maybe I can call her again.

‐ Good looking out, mama.
‐ I got your back, daddy.

We'll be right back.

'Ooh, look, a care package'

'from Uncle Tibby
and Aunt Bertha.'

'What does the note say?'

'"Dear Overton and Synclaire'

'"hope all is well
with you two.'

'"Your Aunt Bertha
and I are fine'

'"but we're still fighting
about the children's choir.'

'"So we'd like you to
decide. Angels or hyenas.'

"‐ 'Love, Uncle
Tibby." Yeah.' ‐ 'Okay.'

♪ Hallelujah ♪

'I think hyenas
was a compliment.'

'Yep, Uncle Tibby
was right all along'

'but, only 'bout that, now.'

'Uh, I‐let's get back to
that toe thing, mama.'

Woo‐hoo!