Living Single (1993–1998): Season 3, Episode 15 - Scoop Dreams - full transcript
Gosh, Russell, I
gotta give it to you
this piece you put together
for the music
issue is really nice.
"Nice?"
You told me last
week's review was nice.
Is that your catchphrase
for everything?
Not at all.
This piece you did
on New York nightlife
was weak, uninspired
and obviously written
after a drunken night
of club‐hoppin'.
Ivan, I just called for a
message thirty seconds ago
how did you get here so fast?
Well, to quote a modern
poet, Jeffery Osborne..
"On The Wings Of Love."
That's sweet.
Now, fly your ass
over to the typesetters
because if that's not there
in 15 minutes, I'm dead.
Wait, you're talking about
all the way in midtown?
Well, that's impossible,
unless I latch myself
onto the back of a subway train
keep my bike off the third rail.
Khadijah, I can do this.
Ivan, you're a prince.
To quote the immortal
Donna Summer
"I Feel Love."
"I Feel Love." "I‐I Feel Love!"
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh and in a
nineties kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my homegirls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ What you want? ♪
♪ No free position girl ♪
♪ Haa ♪
Oh, my stars. What
happened to you?
I was takin' a shortcut
across Rockefeller Center
on the ice.
Next thing I know, I was
bailing through skating nuns
and bouncing off
flagpoles of many nations.
Ivan, are you okay?
Yes, getting fired took
my mind off the pain.
They fired you for
havin' an accident?
Well, actually, it wasn't
just because of the accident.
See, I've been on probation
'cause I hang out here
all the time.
Well, the important
thing is that you're alright.
I mean, whether or not
you delivered my packages
not nearly, you
know, as important.
Oh, I delivered your package.
I mean... sure, my
bike was totaled
and I had to fashion this
splint out of a kid's hockey stick
but I didn't want "Flavor"
to suffer just because I was.
Right. How noble.
And why don't you just sit here
and tell Synclaire all about it.
Without that job, I don't know
how I'mma pay for my tuition.
You know what? I'm gonna
ask Khadijah to give you a job.
You just wait right
here. Woo‐woo‐woo.
Khadijah, I think
you should hire Ivan.
Without a job he's gonna
have to drop out of college
and become.. Well,
you know, a dropout.
Synclaire, I'm sure
Ivan can manage.
He's rather resourceful.
Khadijah?
Can I wash your car
for some spare change?
I still have a good hand.
Ivan, please, I wouldn't
make you wash my car
in your condition.
But when your other hand heals
come back with a sponge
and some Armor All.
Okay, Khadijah, I understand
why you won't make room for me
here at "Flavor."
So what if I'm top of
my sophomore class
news editor of the school
paper, and have a fire in my belly
big enough to fry a pork chop?
By the way, this
story is not accurate.
What do you mean "Not accurate?"
Well, it says here
that "Gordon Berry"
the CEO of City Gem Records
has huge plans for the company."
Well, I happen to know he's
moving to Halogen Records
and takin' most of
his artists with him.
Stay away from my copy,
you dizzy‐limpin' sophomore.
While I was makin' a delivery
to the New York Athletic Club
I heard his attorney
braggin' about the deal.
Well, thanks, Ivan
but I'm gonna have
to take the word
of my music editor
over that of a messenger
who just had major head trauma.
Listen, Khadijah,
with all due respect
and an almost fanatical worship
you're about to make
two big mistakes.
One, not hiring me, and
two, runnin' that article.
No, no, no, I've only
made one mistake.
And that's not getting a
restraining order against you.
Cheerio.
Look here, Max
you wanna play the
highest stakes table
in Atlantic City
you gotta keep
your roll civilized.
Hold the dice
gingerly and release.
Now, give it a shot.
Ha!
Alright, snake eyes.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Jeff, what's up?
Oh, she had a baby boy?
Oh, well, good for you.
Alright, man.
Isn't that's something?
Woman goes through
nine months of pregnancy
two days of labor, and
he gives the man props.
Oh, come on, give him credit.
He was involved in the
process for about 18 seconds.
Ha!
Oh, yeah, man, he's right
here, hold on a second.
Kyle, Jeff, man.
Hey... Obie, dobie, doo.
Hey, baby.
Hey, remember my
partner, Jeff, from Cleveland?
Yes, uh, the one you call your.
"Ace‐number‐one
home‐apple‐scrapple."
Mm‐hm. Well, his wife, Sylvia
just gave birth to a baby boy.
Hey, Kyle, you look like he
told you the baby was yours.
In a way, it is, they just
asked me to be the godfather.
What? Jeff Moesby asked
you to be the baby's godfather?
Hey, OJ, I'm just as
surprised as you are.
I thought you'd be the
natural choice, you know?
Obie, didn't you drag
Jeff and his entire family
from a burning house?
Not the entire family, the
dog jetted before I got there.
Look, Overton, if this is
gonna bother you, you know
maybe I should call
Jeff back and pass on
this whole godfather thing.
No, man, that's alright.
I just thought that Jeff
and I had a understanding
you know, he said that
if he ever had a baby
I'd be the godfather.
But guess you can't expect a
man to keep a promise he made
while you're administering CPR.
Lord, we're beaten
by the "Village Voice."
"City Gem chief Gordon
Berry heads to Halogen."
Ugh!
Should have listened to the
hop‐along messenger boy.
Alright, alright, Russell,
we gotta get Khadijah
in a good mood
before she reads this.
Oh, okay, I know what.
"The Big Book of Brain
Teaser." She loves these.
Khadijah, question.
In the "Temptation" song
Papa was a rolling stone
they say "All he
left us was alone."
Now, did they mean
alone without a father
or a loan you get from a bank?
Russell..
What's goin' on?
Uh, I think that meant
left alone without a father.
Ah, that's it. I think
exactly what they meant.
Look, if this is about
the "Village Voice" article
I'm not happy about it.
But every magazine makes a
mistake now and then, right?
Exactly.
Okay, so just write
up a correction.
Should I blame you
or everybody but me?
You know, I'm a little confused.
"Flavor" has a big article
on Gordon Berry leading.
City Gem Records
into the next century
while "The Voice" has
the same Gordon Berry
moving to Halogen Records.
Well, looks like
somebody is wasting
a lot of newsprint here.
Ivan, next time you
wanna say, "I told you so"
call me, so I can
hang up on you.
See, Khadijah
there's that stinging wit
you usually save
for us employees.
You want Ivan to
work here, don't you?
That's the way to make
up for crippling him for life.
Ow! Ow!
So maybe you know
how to spot a story.
I'll tell you what
when you feel up to it, maybe
we have a place here for you.
I'm ready now.
Good.
Take these, staple 'em, copy 'em
and get 'em over
to the layout desk.
You're been hired
as a copy aide.
Wait a minute.
I can't get a Pulitzer
Prize doing this.
Don't I get to write anything?
Well, if you come
up with something
that isn't garbage, maybe.
Oh, wait a minute,
y‐you said "Maybe"
that's‐that's one step
closer to probably.
Khadijah, I can see it now.
You and I, side by side
sniffing out stories
and writing till night
falling asleep in
each other's arms
and wakin' up for another
day of reportin' and snuggling.
Synclaire, when you
visit me at the sanitarium
just make sure they do my hair
and wipe the drool off my chin.
You know, I can't
believe you still eat
that dead animal flesh.
You really should consider
becoming a vegetarian.
The chicken was a vegetarian.
Every time I take
a big bite outta this
I get all the vegetables it had.
Hey‐hey, everybody.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Kyle, a little monster truck
to go with your little
monster woman.
I just stopped by the toy
store, I want to make sure
my godchild has all
the finer things in life.
You should resign immediately..
Honey.
Forget it, Ivan.
That is the fifteenth
time Ivan has called
with stupid story ideas.
This time he wants to go
undercover as a woman
at the Miss Black
America pageant
to expose corruption.
Oh, you know
something, I've always
wondered about that thing.
Like, how come there's
never a Black Miss Utah?
Hey, Kyle, you just
missed a call upstairs
from your godson's father.
Wanted to know
something about a list.
Oh‐oh, right, right,
right, I'm still workin' on it.
Um, I have the honor of choosing
my godson's middle name.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Well, let's hear what
you got, god‐papa.
Alright, number one‐‐.
And for your own dignity's
sake, don't say it's Kyle.
I'm still on the fence
about number one.
Number two, is Lloyd.
Lloyd, a handsome
name with a silent 'L.'
And all the kids in the school
gonna beat that child
silly with that silent 'L.'
Number three, is Boyd.
W‐wha‐what is Boyd, but
boy with a 'D' on the end?
Shorty, did you put any
kind of thought into this?
Hello. Tension?
Oh, Lord, look at the next one.
Cecil.
It is pronounced, Cecil.
Oh, that's cool, so instead
of calling him a sissy
the other hoodlums
will just call him "Sissy."
Lovely. Lovely.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, look, man.
I'm just tryin' to be a
good godfather, alright?
Well, I, I guess I
had it all wrong.
Mr. Smooth Shorty Slick.
See, I was in the basement
tryin' to come up with a crib
that converts into a playpen
that eventually turns
into a soapbox racer
for those difficult tween years
when I should have been up here
comin' up with corny name
that will guarantee
the boy be named.
"The boy most likely
to get his butt whooped
over a carton of milk."
Now, why didn't I
think of this earlier?
I sent Ivan up to a celebrity
hair‐cutting benefit in Harlem.
And bam... my headache is gone.
Hey, copy aide.
You should have
your barber beaten.
What the hell happened to you?
Oh, people just seem to open
up more if you let them release
your natural curl pattern.
And I have uncovered
the scoop of the year.
Well, unless God dropped
by the hairathon for extensions
I don't wanna hear it.
Well, close to God.
Reverend Jesse Jackson
is about to be appointed
to a cabinet position. I
got it from the man himself.
Jesse Jackson
was at a hairathon.
And told you he was
gettin' a cabinet position?
Yeah. He was sitting
right next to Al Sharpton.
I have it on tape.
'Racism, hypnotism.'
That's Jesse, alright.
'Oh, yes, I'm very excited
about the new cabinet position.'
'We're gonna do a lot
of new exciting things.'
'Now, if you'll excuse
me, Reverend Sharpton'
'Don King needs my chair.'
Ivan, this is good stuff.
Did you get the
other confirmation?
Well, no. I came
right back here.
I knew we had a deadline.
Oh, we gotta verify this.
I'll get on the phone
with the White House.
You get on the phone
with Jesse's people.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I'll make coffee!
Alright. I just got off the
phone with Jesse's people
and he said "No
comment" and hung up.
Pfft. Well, I just got off the
phone with the White House.
They said they can
neither confirm nor deny.
That's the standard smokescreen
for, "Uh‐oh, we got busted."
For my part, it's the best damn
cup of coffee I've ever made.
So what are we gonna do, boss?
Tell you what we're gonna do
this little monthly is about to
scoop the hell out of everyone.
"The Voice," "The Times."
Hell, we're gonna
scoop the world!
Isn't this one of those moments
that you get so caught up in it
you grab the
closest person to you
and you give him a big
wet kiss on the mouth?
You know, you're right.
Uh‐oh, oops, that
moment just passed.
Get to work.
Coffee?
Hey, hey, anybody call?
Um, just, umm..
Uh, Marlon Brando called.
Said he was depressed
that you a better
godfather than he was.
Oh, so you're still
trippin', I see, huh?
Naw, you the one
that's trippin', Fredo.
And that big creature you
got there ain't gonna do nothing
but scare the
bejesus out that child.
You know, Overton, I'm about
sick and tired of you makin' out
like I'm the world's
worst godfather.
Well, I don't know
about worst, but‐‐.
Look, look, man, this
means a lot to me, alright?
And you could at least
be a little bit happy for me.
Well, I mean, I guess I
am a little happy for you.
And, heaven forbid, anything
happen to Jeff and Sylvia.
Sure you'd do a wonderful
job raising that kid.
Yeah, thank you.
Wai‐wait, wha‐wait,
wai‐wai‐wait, wha‐wha‐what..
What do you mean
"Raising?" Raisin' the kid?
Man, that's the godfather's
most sacred duty.
If anything happen to
the parents, you the man.
Uh‐uh.
Oh, wha‐wha‐what, wha‐what
kind of madness is that, man?
No, look, all I thought I
had to do was buy the kid
a few presents, you know.
Uh, make sure I
remember his birthdays
and when he turns 21,
take him to his first strip club.
Shorty, relax.
Jeff and Sylvia are the
picture of health, man.
No, they are not, man.
Jeff has asthma and Sylvia..
Well, let's face it, girlie
weighs 320 pounds.
Naw, she's about 340.
She's been eatin'
'em biscuits, man.
Man, whatever. You know,
girlie would choke on a pot pie
fall on Jeff and
bam, the kid is mine.
Oh, nothing's going to
happen, I mean, even if it did..
You've been in that big
brother program for three years
and look Kevon's not
entirely screwed up, is he?
Hm, he isn't, is he?
Except for his
tendency to wanna lay
his head on Synclaire's chest.
Can you blame him?
Um, Overton, look, man,
this, this is a huge responsibility
and if I'm gonna handle it,
I'm gonna need your help.
Sure, you want me
to be sort of like a..
God‐coach?
Hey.
Well, man, guess if I
can't be the godfather
being the god‐coach
is the next best thing.
‐ There you go. ‐ Cool.
Alright, cool.
And my first act as god‐coach is
to congratulate
you on getting over
that crush you had on
Sylvia back in high school.
Brother, you dodged
one big bullet.
Whoo! I'm telling you, man.
Nothin' in "The Voice"
about Jesse Jackson
gettin' a cabinet post.
Jet missed the boat.
And not a word in
"The New York Times."
Uh, except this in
the home section.
The home section?
It's an article about
Jesse Jackson's plans
to re‐design his kitchen.
Quote, "I'm thrilled about
the new cabinet position."
"Once everything is in
place, we'll be able to do
"some new exciting things like
have an entire
shelf just for cereal."
This is the most
embarrassing moment
in the history of "Flavor."
I told you the hobblin'
messenger boy
was trouble from the start.
Synclaire, call the distributor.
Tell him to bundle
up all the magazines
and send them back.
We're gonna have to
eat costs on this one.
Oh..
Wassup, Scoop?
I figured I'd come in and get
a few advance
copies of "Flavor."
One for my professor,
a couple for my family.
And I'll take the remainder
and just run up and down
the street yelling,
"Extra, extra!"
Try runnin' up and
down the street yellin'
"I'm a goat head!
I'm a goat head!"
‐ Ay, oh. ‐ Ah‐ha!
Hey, you guys.
I was at the video
store's return bin
for 20 minutes waitin'
on this movie, so..
I'm gonna turn off
whatever tired little thing
you all are watchin'.
And pop this in.
"Faint pulse,"
that's a good flick.
I never really got
the ending though.
Quintella was the murderer.
The reason why they
found the lipstick on the lamp
is because one of his multiple
personalities was a woman.
Oh, my God! That's a shocker.
You are a virus with braids.
And you're a
leprechaun with a weave.
Hey, hey, you think that
chocolate pudding is ready yet?
No, not yet, not yet.
‐ Let's go drink it anyway. ‐
I was hoping you'd say that.
‐ Alright. ‐ Ah!
Ivan, what are you doin' here?
I just stopped by
to tell you that, um..
I'm givin' up journalism.
And I'm gonna join
my father's business.
He runs the sloth exhibit
at the Yonkers zoo.
Ivan, please, stop the drama.
Look, "Flavor" is my magazine.
I decided to run the article
that makes me responsible.
Well, yeah, that's true,
but it was my story.
Yeah, but I should
have known better.
You have absolutely
no experience at all.
You have no idea
what you're doin'.
So what you're sayin' is that
you want me to stay at "Flavor"
and you realize
that you're lookin'
into the eyes of your soulmate.
Yes, for the first part.
Fool, get a grip, to the second.
Thanks, Khadijah.
You're just the beacon of hope
with a body that
won't quit, aren't you?
Ivan, before you
pour it on any thicker
I have another
assignment for you.
So, well, consider it done.
‐ Well, I want you to
go home.. ‐ Yeah, and?
That's it. Thanks, bye.
'Well, I‐I'll see you
tomorrow, boss.'
We'll be right back.
'Kyle, I just want to
say one more time, man'
'this is the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.'
'Y‐you're not going
to cry again, are you?'
'Jeff, Sylvia'
'this is a blessed
moment in your lives'
'and the life of your son.'
'I Christen thee,
Cecil Overton Moesby.'
'That's Cecil.'
'Correction.'
'That's Cecil Overton Moesby.'
'Close enough.'
Woo‐hoo!
gotta give it to you
this piece you put together
for the music
issue is really nice.
"Nice?"
You told me last
week's review was nice.
Is that your catchphrase
for everything?
Not at all.
This piece you did
on New York nightlife
was weak, uninspired
and obviously written
after a drunken night
of club‐hoppin'.
Ivan, I just called for a
message thirty seconds ago
how did you get here so fast?
Well, to quote a modern
poet, Jeffery Osborne..
"On The Wings Of Love."
That's sweet.
Now, fly your ass
over to the typesetters
because if that's not there
in 15 minutes, I'm dead.
Wait, you're talking about
all the way in midtown?
Well, that's impossible,
unless I latch myself
onto the back of a subway train
keep my bike off the third rail.
Khadijah, I can do this.
Ivan, you're a prince.
To quote the immortal
Donna Summer
"I Feel Love."
"I Feel Love." "I‐I Feel Love!"
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh and in a
nineties kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my homegirls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ What you want? ♪
♪ No free position girl ♪
♪ Haa ♪
Oh, my stars. What
happened to you?
I was takin' a shortcut
across Rockefeller Center
on the ice.
Next thing I know, I was
bailing through skating nuns
and bouncing off
flagpoles of many nations.
Ivan, are you okay?
Yes, getting fired took
my mind off the pain.
They fired you for
havin' an accident?
Well, actually, it wasn't
just because of the accident.
See, I've been on probation
'cause I hang out here
all the time.
Well, the important
thing is that you're alright.
I mean, whether or not
you delivered my packages
not nearly, you
know, as important.
Oh, I delivered your package.
I mean... sure, my
bike was totaled
and I had to fashion this
splint out of a kid's hockey stick
but I didn't want "Flavor"
to suffer just because I was.
Right. How noble.
And why don't you just sit here
and tell Synclaire all about it.
Without that job, I don't know
how I'mma pay for my tuition.
You know what? I'm gonna
ask Khadijah to give you a job.
You just wait right
here. Woo‐woo‐woo.
Khadijah, I think
you should hire Ivan.
Without a job he's gonna
have to drop out of college
and become.. Well,
you know, a dropout.
Synclaire, I'm sure
Ivan can manage.
He's rather resourceful.
Khadijah?
Can I wash your car
for some spare change?
I still have a good hand.
Ivan, please, I wouldn't
make you wash my car
in your condition.
But when your other hand heals
come back with a sponge
and some Armor All.
Okay, Khadijah, I understand
why you won't make room for me
here at "Flavor."
So what if I'm top of
my sophomore class
news editor of the school
paper, and have a fire in my belly
big enough to fry a pork chop?
By the way, this
story is not accurate.
What do you mean "Not accurate?"
Well, it says here
that "Gordon Berry"
the CEO of City Gem Records
has huge plans for the company."
Well, I happen to know he's
moving to Halogen Records
and takin' most of
his artists with him.
Stay away from my copy,
you dizzy‐limpin' sophomore.
While I was makin' a delivery
to the New York Athletic Club
I heard his attorney
braggin' about the deal.
Well, thanks, Ivan
but I'm gonna have
to take the word
of my music editor
over that of a messenger
who just had major head trauma.
Listen, Khadijah,
with all due respect
and an almost fanatical worship
you're about to make
two big mistakes.
One, not hiring me, and
two, runnin' that article.
No, no, no, I've only
made one mistake.
And that's not getting a
restraining order against you.
Cheerio.
Look here, Max
you wanna play the
highest stakes table
in Atlantic City
you gotta keep
your roll civilized.
Hold the dice
gingerly and release.
Now, give it a shot.
Ha!
Alright, snake eyes.
Hello.
Oh, hey, Jeff, what's up?
Oh, she had a baby boy?
Oh, well, good for you.
Alright, man.
Isn't that's something?
Woman goes through
nine months of pregnancy
two days of labor, and
he gives the man props.
Oh, come on, give him credit.
He was involved in the
process for about 18 seconds.
Ha!
Oh, yeah, man, he's right
here, hold on a second.
Kyle, Jeff, man.
Hey... Obie, dobie, doo.
Hey, baby.
Hey, remember my
partner, Jeff, from Cleveland?
Yes, uh, the one you call your.
"Ace‐number‐one
home‐apple‐scrapple."
Mm‐hm. Well, his wife, Sylvia
just gave birth to a baby boy.
Hey, Kyle, you look like he
told you the baby was yours.
In a way, it is, they just
asked me to be the godfather.
What? Jeff Moesby asked
you to be the baby's godfather?
Hey, OJ, I'm just as
surprised as you are.
I thought you'd be the
natural choice, you know?
Obie, didn't you drag
Jeff and his entire family
from a burning house?
Not the entire family, the
dog jetted before I got there.
Look, Overton, if this is
gonna bother you, you know
maybe I should call
Jeff back and pass on
this whole godfather thing.
No, man, that's alright.
I just thought that Jeff
and I had a understanding
you know, he said that
if he ever had a baby
I'd be the godfather.
But guess you can't expect a
man to keep a promise he made
while you're administering CPR.
Lord, we're beaten
by the "Village Voice."
"City Gem chief Gordon
Berry heads to Halogen."
Ugh!
Should have listened to the
hop‐along messenger boy.
Alright, alright, Russell,
we gotta get Khadijah
in a good mood
before she reads this.
Oh, okay, I know what.
"The Big Book of Brain
Teaser." She loves these.
Khadijah, question.
In the "Temptation" song
Papa was a rolling stone
they say "All he
left us was alone."
Now, did they mean
alone without a father
or a loan you get from a bank?
Russell..
What's goin' on?
Uh, I think that meant
left alone without a father.
Ah, that's it. I think
exactly what they meant.
Look, if this is about
the "Village Voice" article
I'm not happy about it.
But every magazine makes a
mistake now and then, right?
Exactly.
Okay, so just write
up a correction.
Should I blame you
or everybody but me?
You know, I'm a little confused.
"Flavor" has a big article
on Gordon Berry leading.
City Gem Records
into the next century
while "The Voice" has
the same Gordon Berry
moving to Halogen Records.
Well, looks like
somebody is wasting
a lot of newsprint here.
Ivan, next time you
wanna say, "I told you so"
call me, so I can
hang up on you.
See, Khadijah
there's that stinging wit
you usually save
for us employees.
You want Ivan to
work here, don't you?
That's the way to make
up for crippling him for life.
Ow! Ow!
So maybe you know
how to spot a story.
I'll tell you what
when you feel up to it, maybe
we have a place here for you.
I'm ready now.
Good.
Take these, staple 'em, copy 'em
and get 'em over
to the layout desk.
You're been hired
as a copy aide.
Wait a minute.
I can't get a Pulitzer
Prize doing this.
Don't I get to write anything?
Well, if you come
up with something
that isn't garbage, maybe.
Oh, wait a minute,
y‐you said "Maybe"
that's‐that's one step
closer to probably.
Khadijah, I can see it now.
You and I, side by side
sniffing out stories
and writing till night
falling asleep in
each other's arms
and wakin' up for another
day of reportin' and snuggling.
Synclaire, when you
visit me at the sanitarium
just make sure they do my hair
and wipe the drool off my chin.
You know, I can't
believe you still eat
that dead animal flesh.
You really should consider
becoming a vegetarian.
The chicken was a vegetarian.
Every time I take
a big bite outta this
I get all the vegetables it had.
Hey‐hey, everybody.
Oh. Oh. Oh!
Kyle, a little monster truck
to go with your little
monster woman.
I just stopped by the toy
store, I want to make sure
my godchild has all
the finer things in life.
You should resign immediately..
Honey.
Forget it, Ivan.
That is the fifteenth
time Ivan has called
with stupid story ideas.
This time he wants to go
undercover as a woman
at the Miss Black
America pageant
to expose corruption.
Oh, you know
something, I've always
wondered about that thing.
Like, how come there's
never a Black Miss Utah?
Hey, Kyle, you just
missed a call upstairs
from your godson's father.
Wanted to know
something about a list.
Oh‐oh, right, right,
right, I'm still workin' on it.
Um, I have the honor of choosing
my godson's middle name.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Well, let's hear what
you got, god‐papa.
Alright, number one‐‐.
And for your own dignity's
sake, don't say it's Kyle.
I'm still on the fence
about number one.
Number two, is Lloyd.
Lloyd, a handsome
name with a silent 'L.'
And all the kids in the school
gonna beat that child
silly with that silent 'L.'
Number three, is Boyd.
W‐wha‐what is Boyd, but
boy with a 'D' on the end?
Shorty, did you put any
kind of thought into this?
Hello. Tension?
Oh, Lord, look at the next one.
Cecil.
It is pronounced, Cecil.
Oh, that's cool, so instead
of calling him a sissy
the other hoodlums
will just call him "Sissy."
Lovely. Lovely.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, look, man.
I'm just tryin' to be a
good godfather, alright?
Well, I, I guess I
had it all wrong.
Mr. Smooth Shorty Slick.
See, I was in the basement
tryin' to come up with a crib
that converts into a playpen
that eventually turns
into a soapbox racer
for those difficult tween years
when I should have been up here
comin' up with corny name
that will guarantee
the boy be named.
"The boy most likely
to get his butt whooped
over a carton of milk."
Now, why didn't I
think of this earlier?
I sent Ivan up to a celebrity
hair‐cutting benefit in Harlem.
And bam... my headache is gone.
Hey, copy aide.
You should have
your barber beaten.
What the hell happened to you?
Oh, people just seem to open
up more if you let them release
your natural curl pattern.
And I have uncovered
the scoop of the year.
Well, unless God dropped
by the hairathon for extensions
I don't wanna hear it.
Well, close to God.
Reverend Jesse Jackson
is about to be appointed
to a cabinet position. I
got it from the man himself.
Jesse Jackson
was at a hairathon.
And told you he was
gettin' a cabinet position?
Yeah. He was sitting
right next to Al Sharpton.
I have it on tape.
'Racism, hypnotism.'
That's Jesse, alright.
'Oh, yes, I'm very excited
about the new cabinet position.'
'We're gonna do a lot
of new exciting things.'
'Now, if you'll excuse
me, Reverend Sharpton'
'Don King needs my chair.'
Ivan, this is good stuff.
Did you get the
other confirmation?
Well, no. I came
right back here.
I knew we had a deadline.
Oh, we gotta verify this.
I'll get on the phone
with the White House.
You get on the phone
with Jesse's people.
Oh, this is so exciting.
I'll make coffee!
Alright. I just got off the
phone with Jesse's people
and he said "No
comment" and hung up.
Pfft. Well, I just got off the
phone with the White House.
They said they can
neither confirm nor deny.
That's the standard smokescreen
for, "Uh‐oh, we got busted."
For my part, it's the best damn
cup of coffee I've ever made.
So what are we gonna do, boss?
Tell you what we're gonna do
this little monthly is about to
scoop the hell out of everyone.
"The Voice," "The Times."
Hell, we're gonna
scoop the world!
Isn't this one of those moments
that you get so caught up in it
you grab the
closest person to you
and you give him a big
wet kiss on the mouth?
You know, you're right.
Uh‐oh, oops, that
moment just passed.
Get to work.
Coffee?
Hey, hey, anybody call?
Um, just, umm..
Uh, Marlon Brando called.
Said he was depressed
that you a better
godfather than he was.
Oh, so you're still
trippin', I see, huh?
Naw, you the one
that's trippin', Fredo.
And that big creature you
got there ain't gonna do nothing
but scare the
bejesus out that child.
You know, Overton, I'm about
sick and tired of you makin' out
like I'm the world's
worst godfather.
Well, I don't know
about worst, but‐‐.
Look, look, man, this
means a lot to me, alright?
And you could at least
be a little bit happy for me.
Well, I mean, I guess I
am a little happy for you.
And, heaven forbid, anything
happen to Jeff and Sylvia.
Sure you'd do a wonderful
job raising that kid.
Yeah, thank you.
Wai‐wait, wha‐wait,
wai‐wai‐wait, wha‐wha‐what..
What do you mean
"Raising?" Raisin' the kid?
Man, that's the godfather's
most sacred duty.
If anything happen to
the parents, you the man.
Uh‐uh.
Oh, wha‐wha‐what, wha‐what
kind of madness is that, man?
No, look, all I thought I
had to do was buy the kid
a few presents, you know.
Uh, make sure I
remember his birthdays
and when he turns 21,
take him to his first strip club.
Shorty, relax.
Jeff and Sylvia are the
picture of health, man.
No, they are not, man.
Jeff has asthma and Sylvia..
Well, let's face it, girlie
weighs 320 pounds.
Naw, she's about 340.
She's been eatin'
'em biscuits, man.
Man, whatever. You know,
girlie would choke on a pot pie
fall on Jeff and
bam, the kid is mine.
Oh, nothing's going to
happen, I mean, even if it did..
You've been in that big
brother program for three years
and look Kevon's not
entirely screwed up, is he?
Hm, he isn't, is he?
Except for his
tendency to wanna lay
his head on Synclaire's chest.
Can you blame him?
Um, Overton, look, man,
this, this is a huge responsibility
and if I'm gonna handle it,
I'm gonna need your help.
Sure, you want me
to be sort of like a..
God‐coach?
Hey.
Well, man, guess if I
can't be the godfather
being the god‐coach
is the next best thing.
‐ There you go. ‐ Cool.
Alright, cool.
And my first act as god‐coach is
to congratulate
you on getting over
that crush you had on
Sylvia back in high school.
Brother, you dodged
one big bullet.
Whoo! I'm telling you, man.
Nothin' in "The Voice"
about Jesse Jackson
gettin' a cabinet post.
Jet missed the boat.
And not a word in
"The New York Times."
Uh, except this in
the home section.
The home section?
It's an article about
Jesse Jackson's plans
to re‐design his kitchen.
Quote, "I'm thrilled about
the new cabinet position."
"Once everything is in
place, we'll be able to do
"some new exciting things like
have an entire
shelf just for cereal."
This is the most
embarrassing moment
in the history of "Flavor."
I told you the hobblin'
messenger boy
was trouble from the start.
Synclaire, call the distributor.
Tell him to bundle
up all the magazines
and send them back.
We're gonna have to
eat costs on this one.
Oh..
Wassup, Scoop?
I figured I'd come in and get
a few advance
copies of "Flavor."
One for my professor,
a couple for my family.
And I'll take the remainder
and just run up and down
the street yelling,
"Extra, extra!"
Try runnin' up and
down the street yellin'
"I'm a goat head!
I'm a goat head!"
‐ Ay, oh. ‐ Ah‐ha!
Hey, you guys.
I was at the video
store's return bin
for 20 minutes waitin'
on this movie, so..
I'm gonna turn off
whatever tired little thing
you all are watchin'.
And pop this in.
"Faint pulse,"
that's a good flick.
I never really got
the ending though.
Quintella was the murderer.
The reason why they
found the lipstick on the lamp
is because one of his multiple
personalities was a woman.
Oh, my God! That's a shocker.
You are a virus with braids.
And you're a
leprechaun with a weave.
Hey, hey, you think that
chocolate pudding is ready yet?
No, not yet, not yet.
‐ Let's go drink it anyway. ‐
I was hoping you'd say that.
‐ Alright. ‐ Ah!
Ivan, what are you doin' here?
I just stopped by
to tell you that, um..
I'm givin' up journalism.
And I'm gonna join
my father's business.
He runs the sloth exhibit
at the Yonkers zoo.
Ivan, please, stop the drama.
Look, "Flavor" is my magazine.
I decided to run the article
that makes me responsible.
Well, yeah, that's true,
but it was my story.
Yeah, but I should
have known better.
You have absolutely
no experience at all.
You have no idea
what you're doin'.
So what you're sayin' is that
you want me to stay at "Flavor"
and you realize
that you're lookin'
into the eyes of your soulmate.
Yes, for the first part.
Fool, get a grip, to the second.
Thanks, Khadijah.
You're just the beacon of hope
with a body that
won't quit, aren't you?
Ivan, before you
pour it on any thicker
I have another
assignment for you.
So, well, consider it done.
‐ Well, I want you to
go home.. ‐ Yeah, and?
That's it. Thanks, bye.
'Well, I‐I'll see you
tomorrow, boss.'
We'll be right back.
'Kyle, I just want to
say one more time, man'
'this is the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.'
'Y‐you're not going
to cry again, are you?'
'Jeff, Sylvia'
'this is a blessed
moment in your lives'
'and the life of your son.'
'I Christen thee,
Cecil Overton Moesby.'
'That's Cecil.'
'Correction.'
'That's Cecil Overton Moesby.'
'Close enough.'
Woo‐hoo!