Living Single (1993–1998): Season 3, Episode 14 - I'm Ready for My Close-Up - full transcript
You ever love pancakes
with your syrup?
Oh, shall we talk about
the smiley faces you make
with your raisins in
your cream of wheat?
Tastes better that way.
Look at that.
They finally took that old tired
do‐rag off Aunt Jemima head.
She's got new hairs,
and red lip gloss, ha ha.
Give her a microphone
and a personal trainer
she'd look like Oprah.
Yeah, you know Mrs.
Butterworth could stand
to do a few sit‐ups herself.
Max, where have you been?
I've been trying to
call you all morning.
Uh, I couldn't find the phone.
You know, I usually
keep it in the sink
but I must have misplaced it.
I need you to write an editorial
for me about the legal system.
Alright, listen, I'd do it
for a free lunch. Okay?
And my picture, at
the top of the page.
I‐I don't know, Khadijah, that
lunch could cost you thousands.
Yep, first things
first, Khadijah.
I mean, what do you want?
Do you want my picture
to be, um, reflective?
Uh, aggressive?
Or scholarly?
This will be the pipe.
♪ We are living single ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Ooh and in a
'90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get tough ♪
♪ You gotta fight with ♪
♪ My homegirls
standing to my left ♪
♪ And my right ♪
♪ True blue ♪
♪ It's tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Do what you want
no free position girl ♪
♪ Ha ♪
'Don't die,
darling. I love you.'
'I need you.'
'But you still haven't told me
the combination to the safe.'
'When you put it
that way, my darlin'.'
'I have one
question I must ask.'
Hey, Khadijah, what's
another word for..
Oh, gosh, Regine, not that
damn soap of yours again.
Max, move.
Okay, now.
You see the green socks
that the mayor is wearing?
Well, they may
not look important
but see, the mayor of Palo
Alto is very jealous, get it?
Green, envy.
Right, right, right, so
what you're saying is
if he's wearing pink socks
he's wearing a matching
teddy underneath.
Khadijah. Shut up, Khadijah!
My little touches are very
influential to the storylines.
You know, Regine, I
used to think what you did
was really unimportant.
And now I realize I was right.
Argh, I'm mad as beans.
I lost out on another audition.
It was a great play about
the soul music of the '60s
and I would've
played a saxophone.
I didn't know you
played the saxophone.
No.
I would've played a
saxophone. Come on!
The costume fit perfectly
and everything, dang!
So why didn't you get the part?
They gave it to the
director's nephew.
Lawrence Fishburn.
See, how it's all
about who you know?
Well, that's right.
So, do what you did
to get a job at Flavor.
Lie about your ability
and work your connections.
Khadijah, if I'm gonna make
it in the city that doesn't sleep
I'm gonna do it my way.
Of course, now I'm
desperate, you know.
Regine, hook me
up on your soap, girl.
Synclaire, Regine's nothin' but
a sewer machine with a pulse.
So get off your knees
unless you're beggin' her
to hem your skirt.
What this courtroom
jester doesn't understand
is that I am
constantly consulted
on casting, directing
and storylines.
In fact..
They wanted me
to design the sets
but I was busy doing
the choreography.
Wow, so you can help me.
Oh, honey, now yes, of course,
I could get you a small part
on the show, but..
What's the point if you're not
ready to take advantage of it?
Now, don't waste your
one shot until you're ready.
You can get up now.
Hey, let's go see that
new 3D Imax ninja film.
One critic said
it was so realistic
he swears a sawed off
head ricocheted off his face.
You know, I heard they give
out barf bags with those tickets.
Oh, let's do this.
Wait a minute,
Khadijah. Wait a minute.
I want you to take
a look at my article.
Move over Bible. This is
the greatest story ever told.
Read it tomorrow. Right
now I wanna see somebody
get their eyes poked
out with chopsticks.
Come on, come on, you know
I'd love to see what
you think about it.
Alright, let me get a
pencil. Uh, let's see.
Ka‐ka‐ka‐ka.
Don't use red at all.
Make my work look
like they're bleeding.
No! Gosh!
What? I only put in a comma.
But that comma is like
a great big speed bump.
I mean, it slows down
the whole paragraph.
Maxine, how many
times do I have to tell you
slower can be better.
Wait, what's the
matter, Khadijah?
What's the matter? What you..
What you can't
see a, see a pearl
when it's right in front of you?
Max, calm down.
No, no, no, no, no, I don't,
I don't want this to end up
being one of those puff
pieces that fill up your magazine.
You know, you never
could take criticism.
I don't know why I even asked
you to do this assignment.
Who says I can't take criticism?
I enjoy criticism of any kind.
Go ahead, criticize me.
Oh, wait, wait. No, no, no. No.
No.
Please, allow me.
Maxine, you are as
abrasive as sandpaper
as caustic as acid,
and as obnoxious
as only you can be.
God, that felt good.
'Yes.'
Thank you, Kyle.
Overton, your thoughts.
Well, um, you're cheap and..
You're greedy..
Shallow..
Good. Yeah.
And, um, you've a really
foul mouth for a lady.
But these are all the
things that I've grown to love.
‐ Thank you for sharing.
‐ 'Wait, wait, my turn.'
‐ No, that's it! ‐ No, no, no.
You are stubborn,
hot‐headed, and you reject
other people's opinions
even though you ask for 'em.
‐ Khadijah. ‐ What?
Who asked you?
And that's why I think
this show has lost its edge.
Now I say that Desiree
and the oceanographer
get married
and then they discover that
they have matching birthmarks
and are actually
brother and sister. Pow!
Regine, I think that's exactly
the fix this show needs.
Well, I gotta go.
Somebody's gotta make
those toilet bowls blue.
‐ Little darlin'. ‐ Yes?
I do hate to be a
raccoon under a hoop skirt
but, uh, it seems
somebody shrunk my jacket.
Ohh. Yeah, it is
a bit snug, isn't it?
Perhaps you inadvertently
left something in your pocket
a pound cake perhaps?
Now, you know a
slab of pound cake
wouldn't stand a chance
of making it to my pocket.
Oh. Wait a second.
‐ Ahh.. ‐ Voila!
The mayor's buttonless tuxedo.
I'm happier than a termite
in a furniture factory. Ha ha!
Regine, did you
finish the ironing?
Another scorch in the pile.
Right, because we
have an emergency.
Bambi, America's
favorite little tramp nun
is undergoing yet
another boob job.
My God, what is the
woman trying to do?
Nurse an entire orphanage?
So let out the nun's habit
and hand wash these hose.
'Oh, hello, Mr. Pharr.'
I was watching the
monitor this morning
and I thought that you directed
that last scene beautifully.
Wardrobe person, I have
these dreadfully sweaty feet.
I'm gonna need more of these
size six and a half, extra
charcoal. Thank you.
Guess who?
Synclaire? What
are you doing here?
I heard what you said last
night about not coming here
until I was ready.
And then I realized
you were just testing me.
Synclaire, I'm not
that deep. Go home.
Oh, snap. That's your close
personal pal, Otto Pharr.
‐ Mr. Pharr! Mr. Pharr! ‐ Oh..
Hi, I'm Synclaire,
Regine's friend.
Who's Regine?
Who is Regine?
'Hey, Otto, you've got
ex‐wives on three and four.'
"Who is Regine?"
Boy, that is his
favorite little joke.
Oh, that's funny.
That's funny, girl.
Yeah. And you know
he always acts like
I'm not his right hand.
‐ I know. I know. ‐ Hey!
You got me again, Otto!
‐ Ooh, yeah. ‐ Alright, so, um..
Hey, it was a pleasure
for you to come down.
Always lovely to
see you. Bye‐bye.
Oh, I just wanna be here
and see the sights and
hear the sounds and..
Smell the foot? Ooh.
Synclaire, please.
Okay, fine. I'll just tell
everybody you couldn't help me.
Alright, alright, alright, just,
um, don't touch anything
and, and don't talk to anybody.
In fact, you know, you'll
really get a feel of the place
if you just stand
right outside that door.
Oh.
'Places, everyone!'
Oh, this is so exciting!
'And action!'
It seems that one of my
fine fellow Palo Altoens
planted an exploding
crouton in my spinach salad.
Care to comment, Brooksie Fuller
doorman at the Palo Alto
Spa, Hotel And Golf Resort?
Hate to disappoint
you, Mayor Pond
but your wife did it.
How would you know that?
Unless you were
still sleeping with her.
You're right, but
you're also wrong.
I'm not sleeping with
your wife, Charlene
I'm sleeping with
Jolene, your dead wife.
'And we're clear!'
So, you‐you know Regine, the
wardrobe woman who cast you?
‐ Who? ‐ Regine.
‐ 'Who's Regine?'
‐ That's my friend.
‐ My friend, Regine ‐ Synclaire.
What did I tell you?
I was talking to a
couple of the actors
and nobody seems to know you.
Well, that's 'cause most of them
have such big drinking problems
that they don't even
know who they are.
Oh.
Oh, there's Otto Pharr again.
You know, I‐I'm
gonna talk to him
and give him my resume, okay?
Wait! Um, let me do it.
Uh, he's a bit eccentric
about the height
of the people that
he speaks with.
‐ Oh. ‐ Stay. And I mean stay.
Okay.
‐ What did I tell you here?
‐ I'll take a note on it, okay?
‐ Okay, the note is
ready? ‐ I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
Will you have your
people call my people?
I'm sorry, but
I'm‐I'm on a break.
I'm not listening,
I'm not listening
I'm eating, I'm eating my lunch.
He says that now is not a
good time to interview actresses
and he finds your
height disturbing.
But he will definitely
keep you in mind
the next time he's
casting your type.
Oh, well, that's great.
Um, what's my type?
Remember the best
friend in "Flashdance?"
‐ Uh, no. ‐ That's your type.
‐ Okay. Thanks very
much. ‐ You're welcome.
Mr. Pharr..
Hi.
I'm, uh, I'm Regine's roommate
and I just wanna thank you
so much for your consideration.
I'm gonna go out tonight
and rent "Flashdance."
Again I ask, who is Regine?
Oh, you're gonna run
that joke into the ground.
Oh, no, it's no joke.
Hey, does anyone here
know who Regine is?
Right there.
Oh, the odor eater girl.
Come here. I forgot
to give you this one.
Thank you. You
should have said so.
Um, um, uh, Regine,
you know something
I must be in your way
here. You are just so busy.
Girl, I'm gonna see you
at home later on, okay?
Okay, okay, bye.
Ooh. Halle Berry
is JFK's lovechild.
Baltimore Browns.
It sounds stupid.
I'm telling you, man.
Hey, what's up, Khadijah?
Well, you know, if they had a‐‐.
Uh! Uh‐uh‐uh!
‐ Uh‐uh. ‐ What?
Where are you going?
Hey, we just thought
we'd pull up a chair
and mangle some of
that leftover meatloaf.
Can you please make it to go?
I finally have the
house to myself.
Just you and the "Man‐eating
mushrooms in Kansas?"
Look, I deal with
the facts all day.
Plus, they said the
farmer's wife is missing.
Hmm.
Alright, cool. We'll
get the meatloaf
we get some Cajun rice,
we get some A1 sauce
we get some hot sauce. Mm, boy.
Khadijah?
I did some fine‐tuning
on this article.
I even put in that
comma you suggested
in a different spot.
I'm sure it's fine.
I'll read it tomorrow.
No, tomorrow it'll cool
off, right now it's hot.
Listen to this.
"The American justice system
has been on trial recently
"with the high profile cases
of the rich and famous.
"The judicial process has
been placed under scrutiny
"thanks to the
celebrated lawsuits
"of the wealthy
and the well‐known.
But most Americans.."
What the hell are you doing?
I'm just making a note.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, Max
I believe I know what
Khadijah just jotted down.
Baby, you have to use
simple, down‐to‐earth words.
That way your article will
be less odious and pernicious
and far more mellifluous.
Kyle, nobody cares that
you got 1420 on your SATs.
It's just that
wealthy and well‐known
sound a little corny.
Starting two words with the same
letter is catchy and contagious.
It's‐it's‐it's resonant
and it's rhythmic.
It's funky and I'm fixin' it.
You know, you're no editor.
You're a pencil‐whipping freak.
You know, and
you're a prima donna
with a chip on your shoulder
and a ketchup
stain on your shirt.
Made you look.
‐ Khadijah, you are
the most‐‐ ‐ Oh, you‐‐.
Excuse me, excuse me, but do you
really need this, uh,
second sentence?
What?
Well, I think if you just
get rid of this whole sentence
the rest of it
flows quite nicely.
‐ That is sharper. ‐ Yeah. Yeah.
And gets me to the third
sentence on the page
which is my favorite.
And I said the same
thing five minutes ago.
Excuse me for
being sesquipedalian.
Kyle, tell me you
know what that means.
Look it up.
I thought you went home.
Well, um, I was at the
bus stop, and I noticed
that the drug store was
having a sale on odor eaters
and Mr. Pharr seems
like the kind of man
that goes through a lot of them.
By the way, um
your real status here,
I‐it's our little secret.
Great.
If there's anything I don't
need is pity from a woman
who buys her clothes and
groceries from the same place.
Usually when someone
gets caught in a web of lies
they feel shame and
guilt, but not you, Regine.
You go to your favorite
place, dissing my outfits.
I'm sorry.
About dogging my outfit?
No, I hate that outfit.
I'm sorry I led you to believe I
could do something for you here.
I just don't understand
why you lied.
I don't know.
I guess I've spent
so much of my life
creating this fabulous image
that it's a hard habit to break.
Yeah, well, you do
always make your life
sound like some grand movie.
"Regine," starring
Regine as Regine.
And you know what the truth is?
I really am okay
with what I'm doing.
It's like
when the creases on the
mayor's pants are razor sharp
then I feel like I've
done my small part
in entertaining
13 million people.
Well, 15 million if
there's an evil twin.
But..
And I can't believe
I'm saying this..
I'm a grunt, and I love it.
You just need to stop worrying
about what people say about you.
I mean, look at me, I don't
give a damn what people say.
Clearly.
What? Are people
saying bad things?
‐ What are they saying
about me? ‐ No, no, no!
Girl, no! No!
No.
Not everybody.
Hey, what happened?
I just pressed that.
Well, one of the extras
patted Otto on the head
and said, "Thanks
for the gig, small fry."
Fired on the spot.
Hey, um, if we threw somebody
into that wardrobe quickly
you think we can get them on?
Yeah, but they're setting
up that shot right now.
Synclaire, you're on.
Oh, my chance, my
chance, my chance!
Now, honey, you got one
minute to get into makeup.
Oh, Regine, I'm gonna
do your creases proud, girl.
Hey, break a leg.
I'm ready for my
close‐up, Mr. Pharr.
Finally we are both
happy with this article.
Yes, yes, you know
and I actually had
fun working on this.
Hey, how about this? How
about an all‐legal issue of Flavor?
Max, do you really
think the world is ready
for that kind of boredom?
‐ Hi. ‐ 'Hey, hey, hey.'
Hey.
How'd everything
go down at the soap?
Wonderfully, once
my highly‐influential
well‐connected friend,
Regine, here hooked me up.
How much did that
sawed‐off seamstress
pay you to put on this act?
Excuse you, Ms. Missy,
but thanks to Regine.
Synclaire James
finally got her big break.
I was an extra.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Really? Wow, good
lookin' out, Regine.
‐ Actually, it wasn't
all that‐‐ ‐ Hard.
It wasn't all that hard for
Regine to do that kind of thing.
She practically runs the place.
Ooh.
You know, I would love to do
a behind the
scenes story on you.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
'Cut! Cut!'
What is the Grim Reaper doing
boogalooing and
drinking champagne?
Well, now, wouldn't he celebrate
being the messenger of death?
You know..
'Cut! Cut! Cut!'
Oh, come on, now, I
hooked him just like you said.
Well, I told you to
wait for your cue.
Now, I believe the
messenger of death
will go for the
element of surprise.
He's ornery, isn't he?
Woo woo woo!
Woo woo woo!
Cut! That was great!
I don't know what
that woo woo woo was
but boy, it chilled
me to the bone!
‐ Woo woo woo! ‐ Woo woo woo!
Come on, let's get a
beer. Come on, let's go.
‐ That's a wrap. ‐ You're
good, man. You're good.
Woo‐hoo!
with your syrup?
Oh, shall we talk about
the smiley faces you make
with your raisins in
your cream of wheat?
Tastes better that way.
Look at that.
They finally took that old tired
do‐rag off Aunt Jemima head.
She's got new hairs,
and red lip gloss, ha ha.
Give her a microphone
and a personal trainer
she'd look like Oprah.
Yeah, you know Mrs.
Butterworth could stand
to do a few sit‐ups herself.
Max, where have you been?
I've been trying to
call you all morning.
Uh, I couldn't find the phone.
You know, I usually
keep it in the sink
but I must have misplaced it.
I need you to write an editorial
for me about the legal system.
Alright, listen, I'd do it
for a free lunch. Okay?
And my picture, at
the top of the page.
I‐I don't know, Khadijah, that
lunch could cost you thousands.
Yep, first things
first, Khadijah.
I mean, what do you want?
Do you want my picture
to be, um, reflective?
Uh, aggressive?
Or scholarly?
This will be the pipe.
♪ We are living single ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Ooh and in a
'90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪
♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life get tough ♪
♪ You gotta fight with ♪
♪ My homegirls
standing to my left ♪
♪ And my right ♪
♪ True blue ♪
♪ It's tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Do what you want
no free position girl ♪
♪ Ha ♪
'Don't die,
darling. I love you.'
'I need you.'
'But you still haven't told me
the combination to the safe.'
'When you put it
that way, my darlin'.'
'I have one
question I must ask.'
Hey, Khadijah, what's
another word for..
Oh, gosh, Regine, not that
damn soap of yours again.
Max, move.
Okay, now.
You see the green socks
that the mayor is wearing?
Well, they may
not look important
but see, the mayor of Palo
Alto is very jealous, get it?
Green, envy.
Right, right, right, so
what you're saying is
if he's wearing pink socks
he's wearing a matching
teddy underneath.
Khadijah. Shut up, Khadijah!
My little touches are very
influential to the storylines.
You know, Regine, I
used to think what you did
was really unimportant.
And now I realize I was right.
Argh, I'm mad as beans.
I lost out on another audition.
It was a great play about
the soul music of the '60s
and I would've
played a saxophone.
I didn't know you
played the saxophone.
No.
I would've played a
saxophone. Come on!
The costume fit perfectly
and everything, dang!
So why didn't you get the part?
They gave it to the
director's nephew.
Lawrence Fishburn.
See, how it's all
about who you know?
Well, that's right.
So, do what you did
to get a job at Flavor.
Lie about your ability
and work your connections.
Khadijah, if I'm gonna make
it in the city that doesn't sleep
I'm gonna do it my way.
Of course, now I'm
desperate, you know.
Regine, hook me
up on your soap, girl.
Synclaire, Regine's nothin' but
a sewer machine with a pulse.
So get off your knees
unless you're beggin' her
to hem your skirt.
What this courtroom
jester doesn't understand
is that I am
constantly consulted
on casting, directing
and storylines.
In fact..
They wanted me
to design the sets
but I was busy doing
the choreography.
Wow, so you can help me.
Oh, honey, now yes, of course,
I could get you a small part
on the show, but..
What's the point if you're not
ready to take advantage of it?
Now, don't waste your
one shot until you're ready.
You can get up now.
Hey, let's go see that
new 3D Imax ninja film.
One critic said
it was so realistic
he swears a sawed off
head ricocheted off his face.
You know, I heard they give
out barf bags with those tickets.
Oh, let's do this.
Wait a minute,
Khadijah. Wait a minute.
I want you to take
a look at my article.
Move over Bible. This is
the greatest story ever told.
Read it tomorrow. Right
now I wanna see somebody
get their eyes poked
out with chopsticks.
Come on, come on, you know
I'd love to see what
you think about it.
Alright, let me get a
pencil. Uh, let's see.
Ka‐ka‐ka‐ka.
Don't use red at all.
Make my work look
like they're bleeding.
No! Gosh!
What? I only put in a comma.
But that comma is like
a great big speed bump.
I mean, it slows down
the whole paragraph.
Maxine, how many
times do I have to tell you
slower can be better.
Wait, what's the
matter, Khadijah?
What's the matter? What you..
What you can't
see a, see a pearl
when it's right in front of you?
Max, calm down.
No, no, no, no, no, I don't,
I don't want this to end up
being one of those puff
pieces that fill up your magazine.
You know, you never
could take criticism.
I don't know why I even asked
you to do this assignment.
Who says I can't take criticism?
I enjoy criticism of any kind.
Go ahead, criticize me.
Oh, wait, wait. No, no, no. No.
No.
Please, allow me.
Maxine, you are as
abrasive as sandpaper
as caustic as acid,
and as obnoxious
as only you can be.
God, that felt good.
'Yes.'
Thank you, Kyle.
Overton, your thoughts.
Well, um, you're cheap and..
You're greedy..
Shallow..
Good. Yeah.
And, um, you've a really
foul mouth for a lady.
But these are all the
things that I've grown to love.
‐ Thank you for sharing.
‐ 'Wait, wait, my turn.'
‐ No, that's it! ‐ No, no, no.
You are stubborn,
hot‐headed, and you reject
other people's opinions
even though you ask for 'em.
‐ Khadijah. ‐ What?
Who asked you?
And that's why I think
this show has lost its edge.
Now I say that Desiree
and the oceanographer
get married
and then they discover that
they have matching birthmarks
and are actually
brother and sister. Pow!
Regine, I think that's exactly
the fix this show needs.
Well, I gotta go.
Somebody's gotta make
those toilet bowls blue.
‐ Little darlin'. ‐ Yes?
I do hate to be a
raccoon under a hoop skirt
but, uh, it seems
somebody shrunk my jacket.
Ohh. Yeah, it is
a bit snug, isn't it?
Perhaps you inadvertently
left something in your pocket
a pound cake perhaps?
Now, you know a
slab of pound cake
wouldn't stand a chance
of making it to my pocket.
Oh. Wait a second.
‐ Ahh.. ‐ Voila!
The mayor's buttonless tuxedo.
I'm happier than a termite
in a furniture factory. Ha ha!
Regine, did you
finish the ironing?
Another scorch in the pile.
Right, because we
have an emergency.
Bambi, America's
favorite little tramp nun
is undergoing yet
another boob job.
My God, what is the
woman trying to do?
Nurse an entire orphanage?
So let out the nun's habit
and hand wash these hose.
'Oh, hello, Mr. Pharr.'
I was watching the
monitor this morning
and I thought that you directed
that last scene beautifully.
Wardrobe person, I have
these dreadfully sweaty feet.
I'm gonna need more of these
size six and a half, extra
charcoal. Thank you.
Guess who?
Synclaire? What
are you doing here?
I heard what you said last
night about not coming here
until I was ready.
And then I realized
you were just testing me.
Synclaire, I'm not
that deep. Go home.
Oh, snap. That's your close
personal pal, Otto Pharr.
‐ Mr. Pharr! Mr. Pharr! ‐ Oh..
Hi, I'm Synclaire,
Regine's friend.
Who's Regine?
Who is Regine?
'Hey, Otto, you've got
ex‐wives on three and four.'
"Who is Regine?"
Boy, that is his
favorite little joke.
Oh, that's funny.
That's funny, girl.
Yeah. And you know
he always acts like
I'm not his right hand.
‐ I know. I know. ‐ Hey!
You got me again, Otto!
‐ Ooh, yeah. ‐ Alright, so, um..
Hey, it was a pleasure
for you to come down.
Always lovely to
see you. Bye‐bye.
Oh, I just wanna be here
and see the sights and
hear the sounds and..
Smell the foot? Ooh.
Synclaire, please.
Okay, fine. I'll just tell
everybody you couldn't help me.
Alright, alright, alright, just,
um, don't touch anything
and, and don't talk to anybody.
In fact, you know, you'll
really get a feel of the place
if you just stand
right outside that door.
Oh.
'Places, everyone!'
Oh, this is so exciting!
'And action!'
It seems that one of my
fine fellow Palo Altoens
planted an exploding
crouton in my spinach salad.
Care to comment, Brooksie Fuller
doorman at the Palo Alto
Spa, Hotel And Golf Resort?
Hate to disappoint
you, Mayor Pond
but your wife did it.
How would you know that?
Unless you were
still sleeping with her.
You're right, but
you're also wrong.
I'm not sleeping with
your wife, Charlene
I'm sleeping with
Jolene, your dead wife.
'And we're clear!'
So, you‐you know Regine, the
wardrobe woman who cast you?
‐ Who? ‐ Regine.
‐ 'Who's Regine?'
‐ That's my friend.
‐ My friend, Regine ‐ Synclaire.
What did I tell you?
I was talking to a
couple of the actors
and nobody seems to know you.
Well, that's 'cause most of them
have such big drinking problems
that they don't even
know who they are.
Oh.
Oh, there's Otto Pharr again.
You know, I‐I'm
gonna talk to him
and give him my resume, okay?
Wait! Um, let me do it.
Uh, he's a bit eccentric
about the height
of the people that
he speaks with.
‐ Oh. ‐ Stay. And I mean stay.
Okay.
‐ What did I tell you here?
‐ I'll take a note on it, okay?
‐ Okay, the note is
ready? ‐ I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
Will you have your
people call my people?
I'm sorry, but
I'm‐I'm on a break.
I'm not listening,
I'm not listening
I'm eating, I'm eating my lunch.
He says that now is not a
good time to interview actresses
and he finds your
height disturbing.
But he will definitely
keep you in mind
the next time he's
casting your type.
Oh, well, that's great.
Um, what's my type?
Remember the best
friend in "Flashdance?"
‐ Uh, no. ‐ That's your type.
‐ Okay. Thanks very
much. ‐ You're welcome.
Mr. Pharr..
Hi.
I'm, uh, I'm Regine's roommate
and I just wanna thank you
so much for your consideration.
I'm gonna go out tonight
and rent "Flashdance."
Again I ask, who is Regine?
Oh, you're gonna run
that joke into the ground.
Oh, no, it's no joke.
Hey, does anyone here
know who Regine is?
Right there.
Oh, the odor eater girl.
Come here. I forgot
to give you this one.
Thank you. You
should have said so.
Um, um, uh, Regine,
you know something
I must be in your way
here. You are just so busy.
Girl, I'm gonna see you
at home later on, okay?
Okay, okay, bye.
Ooh. Halle Berry
is JFK's lovechild.
Baltimore Browns.
It sounds stupid.
I'm telling you, man.
Hey, what's up, Khadijah?
Well, you know, if they had a‐‐.
Uh! Uh‐uh‐uh!
‐ Uh‐uh. ‐ What?
Where are you going?
Hey, we just thought
we'd pull up a chair
and mangle some of
that leftover meatloaf.
Can you please make it to go?
I finally have the
house to myself.
Just you and the "Man‐eating
mushrooms in Kansas?"
Look, I deal with
the facts all day.
Plus, they said the
farmer's wife is missing.
Hmm.
Alright, cool. We'll
get the meatloaf
we get some Cajun rice,
we get some A1 sauce
we get some hot sauce. Mm, boy.
Khadijah?
I did some fine‐tuning
on this article.
I even put in that
comma you suggested
in a different spot.
I'm sure it's fine.
I'll read it tomorrow.
No, tomorrow it'll cool
off, right now it's hot.
Listen to this.
"The American justice system
has been on trial recently
"with the high profile cases
of the rich and famous.
"The judicial process has
been placed under scrutiny
"thanks to the
celebrated lawsuits
"of the wealthy
and the well‐known.
But most Americans.."
What the hell are you doing?
I'm just making a note.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, Max
I believe I know what
Khadijah just jotted down.
Baby, you have to use
simple, down‐to‐earth words.
That way your article will
be less odious and pernicious
and far more mellifluous.
Kyle, nobody cares that
you got 1420 on your SATs.
It's just that
wealthy and well‐known
sound a little corny.
Starting two words with the same
letter is catchy and contagious.
It's‐it's‐it's resonant
and it's rhythmic.
It's funky and I'm fixin' it.
You know, you're no editor.
You're a pencil‐whipping freak.
You know, and
you're a prima donna
with a chip on your shoulder
and a ketchup
stain on your shirt.
Made you look.
‐ Khadijah, you are
the most‐‐ ‐ Oh, you‐‐.
Excuse me, excuse me, but do you
really need this, uh,
second sentence?
What?
Well, I think if you just
get rid of this whole sentence
the rest of it
flows quite nicely.
‐ That is sharper. ‐ Yeah. Yeah.
And gets me to the third
sentence on the page
which is my favorite.
And I said the same
thing five minutes ago.
Excuse me for
being sesquipedalian.
Kyle, tell me you
know what that means.
Look it up.
I thought you went home.
Well, um, I was at the
bus stop, and I noticed
that the drug store was
having a sale on odor eaters
and Mr. Pharr seems
like the kind of man
that goes through a lot of them.
By the way, um
your real status here,
I‐it's our little secret.
Great.
If there's anything I don't
need is pity from a woman
who buys her clothes and
groceries from the same place.
Usually when someone
gets caught in a web of lies
they feel shame and
guilt, but not you, Regine.
You go to your favorite
place, dissing my outfits.
I'm sorry.
About dogging my outfit?
No, I hate that outfit.
I'm sorry I led you to believe I
could do something for you here.
I just don't understand
why you lied.
I don't know.
I guess I've spent
so much of my life
creating this fabulous image
that it's a hard habit to break.
Yeah, well, you do
always make your life
sound like some grand movie.
"Regine," starring
Regine as Regine.
And you know what the truth is?
I really am okay
with what I'm doing.
It's like
when the creases on the
mayor's pants are razor sharp
then I feel like I've
done my small part
in entertaining
13 million people.
Well, 15 million if
there's an evil twin.
But..
And I can't believe
I'm saying this..
I'm a grunt, and I love it.
You just need to stop worrying
about what people say about you.
I mean, look at me, I don't
give a damn what people say.
Clearly.
What? Are people
saying bad things?
‐ What are they saying
about me? ‐ No, no, no!
Girl, no! No!
No.
Not everybody.
Hey, what happened?
I just pressed that.
Well, one of the extras
patted Otto on the head
and said, "Thanks
for the gig, small fry."
Fired on the spot.
Hey, um, if we threw somebody
into that wardrobe quickly
you think we can get them on?
Yeah, but they're setting
up that shot right now.
Synclaire, you're on.
Oh, my chance, my
chance, my chance!
Now, honey, you got one
minute to get into makeup.
Oh, Regine, I'm gonna
do your creases proud, girl.
Hey, break a leg.
I'm ready for my
close‐up, Mr. Pharr.
Finally we are both
happy with this article.
Yes, yes, you know
and I actually had
fun working on this.
Hey, how about this? How
about an all‐legal issue of Flavor?
Max, do you really
think the world is ready
for that kind of boredom?
‐ Hi. ‐ 'Hey, hey, hey.'
Hey.
How'd everything
go down at the soap?
Wonderfully, once
my highly‐influential
well‐connected friend,
Regine, here hooked me up.
How much did that
sawed‐off seamstress
pay you to put on this act?
Excuse you, Ms. Missy,
but thanks to Regine.
Synclaire James
finally got her big break.
I was an extra.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Really? Wow, good
lookin' out, Regine.
‐ Actually, it wasn't
all that‐‐ ‐ Hard.
It wasn't all that hard for
Regine to do that kind of thing.
She practically runs the place.
Ooh.
You know, I would love to do
a behind the
scenes story on you.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
'Cut! Cut!'
What is the Grim Reaper doing
boogalooing and
drinking champagne?
Well, now, wouldn't he celebrate
being the messenger of death?
You know..
'Cut! Cut! Cut!'
Oh, come on, now, I
hooked him just like you said.
Well, I told you to
wait for your cue.
Now, I believe the
messenger of death
will go for the
element of surprise.
He's ornery, isn't he?
Woo woo woo!
Woo woo woo!
Cut! That was great!
I don't know what
that woo woo woo was
but boy, it chilled
me to the bone!
‐ Woo woo woo! ‐ Woo woo woo!
Come on, let's get a
beer. Come on, let's go.
‐ That's a wrap. ‐ You're
good, man. You're good.
Woo‐hoo!