Living Single (1993–1998): Season 3, Episode 13 - Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow... Dammit - full transcript

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪
♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Don we now ♪
♪ Don we now ♪

‐ Uh‐oh! ‐ Oh!

You see, this is what I
hate about Christmas.

Angie from the print
shop sent me a card

but I didn't send her one.

Now, I gotta go back
and fight those crowds

for another one of these.



Oh, no, you don't.

Watch and learn.

There you go, a
Christmas postcard.

Alright, my Herald Angel

our holiday prayers
have been answered.

Peace on Earth?

Uh, different prayer.

Um, due to a
last‐minute cancellation

I was able to rent the
rustic Canadian cabin

where I spent many
a boyhood Christmas.

‐ What? ‐ Oh, Overton.

Is that the same cabin

your family used to
caravan to every year?

All 11 of us.



Twelve, if you include
the plastic Santa

ridin' proudly atop
the lead LeSabre. Pff..

They actually let you
enter their country like that?

The tragedy is they
let them return. Aha.

My heart fills with
the memories.

The savory turkey, Christmas
carols around the fire.

It was like livin' in a
Norman Rockwell painting

e‐except without
all the white people.

Anyway, hey, why don't
y'all come up there with us?

I mean, my family can't be there

but we'll still have a good
old‐fashioned Jones' Christmas.

Hey, I'm with it. I'm sick
of Christmas in the city.

Snow all covered with soot

and then those
department stores' Santas

tryin' to lure you
on to they lap.

Well, I'd love to join you
for this little Arctic romp

but I have plans for a
special Christmas getaway.

‐ Ha‐ha ha‐ha! ‐ Hm.
Which cave would that be?

The Poconos.

The Matterhorn o'plenty
ski ‐lodge and buffet.

Well, ho‐ho‐hold up, Maxine.

You made Christmas
plans without telling me?

Well, I didn't want to insult
you with the Christmas getaway.

Mr. Kwanzaa, but, uh, if
you'd like to tag along‐‐.

No, no, no.

Kyle Barker will not
be spending Christmas

as an afterthought. Thank you.

Overton, I'm in.

Even though you did only ask me

a few minutes before
girly did but you..

I'd join you, but I
promised my mom

I'd join her and
her bowling buddies

for Christmas potluck
and five‐dollar grab bag.

Don't you people know a cry
for help when you hear one?

♪ We are living ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪
♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a
nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪
♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪
♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get
tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Single ♪

♪ What you want
no free position girl ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

Yeah, by this time tomorrow

indoor plumbin',
TVs, and telephones

will be a distant memory.

They say snowplows seldom
venture up towards the cabin.

We could be snowed in for days

just like in that whacky
film, "The Shining."

Here's Obie.

You know, suddenly the
picture of Maxine goin' up a ski lift

with a turkey leg in her mouth
seems utterly appealing. Hm.

♪ Hark the Herald Angels sing ♪

♪ Ging gah Glory to ♪

W‐w‐wait!

For a girl who just
broke off an engagement

you seem in a glorious mood.

What can I say? I'm happy.

I mean, I'm not
one of those girls

who needs a man hanging on
her arm like some kind of ornament.

Ladies!

I would like for
you to meet my date

an actor I've grown
quite close to at the soap.

His name is Tyler,
but he plays Brent.

Actually, my name is
Brent and I play Tyler.

Ornament!

Here we are, people.

Welcome to our little retreat
from all things civilized.

‐ Ohh, right in
here. ‐ Oh, yeah!

‐ 'This is sweet.' ‐
I don't believe this!

I mean, what happened
to my stuffed badger

and the wagon‐wheel sofa
and, uh, the hole in the wall

where we kids would throw
our turkey bones after dinner?

I don't know, but if you show
me where that badger was

I can hang a picture of Max.

Overton, come
here, check this out.

Oh.

This is my little childhood
growth chart. Yeah.

"Overton, age six.

"Overton, age seven.

Overton, age eight?"

Oh, yeah, that was the
year when I cut off my fro.

Now, Obie, now,
there's still a lot still

to smile about around
here. And you know what?

It'll be even better
when the snow falls.

Oh, girl, I can't
wait to go outside

and sculpt the nativity
scene out of snowman.

Only thing missing
will be Uncle Tibby.

A little too filled up
with holiday spirit

offerin' a swig of
brandy to the sheep.

The sheep.

Man, those stars
are twinklin' tonight.

Let's see how they
twinkle in your eyes, baby.

Aw! Aw!

‐ Whoo! ‐ Whoo!

Whoo! Well, it has been a
long day. I'm gonna turn in.

I am right behind you. I am so..

I don't think so.

I only learned your
real name this morning.

You mean, this isn't a, uh

romantic rendezvous?

Well, my, my, aren't
we full of ourselves

for somebody who's about
to be written out of the soap.

Oops!

‐ Written out? ‐ Uh..

Let's just say that my next
few wardrobe assignments

called for you to
wear scuba gear

then a hospital gown
and then a toe tag.

I'm dead?

Just as I was about to inherit

my stepfather's
ill‐gotten riches.

I need a moment.

♪ Deck the halls ♪

♪ With boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la ♪

‐ What's wrong? ‐ What‐what?

Oh, darlin'.

Man, you haven't lived

until you've chugged Asti
Spumante in a whirlpool tub.

Hey, everyone!

Maxine, w‐what
are you doin' here?

Well, those idiots at the
ski lodge lost my reservation.

So, I called the number
you left, hopped the flight

two bags of
peanuts later, voila!

Where's a good hijacker
when you need one?

Where's a good man
when you need one?

‐ Hey, look, let
me‐‐ ‐ Okay, alright!

You two are not gonna argue
the whole time you're here.

Are you?

Fine. I propose a pact.

For the next three days
there will be no yelling

there will be no
slamming of doors

not even an upraised finger

unless you do not
think you can handle it

little Ms. Flab Jaw.

I'm more than capable
of civility, you little cretin.

From now on..

Just this.

That gingerbread house
has been in the Jones family

for over 40 years.

Stale as hell but,
isn't she a beaut?

Hot, spicy apple
pancakes for everyone.

And no one makes them
fluffier than you, sweet‐cake.

Hey, and no one squeezes
an orange like you.

Oh, come here,
let me squeeze you.

Oh!

Uh, if you'll excuse us

we got a date with the Jacuzzi.

Oh, oh! Alright, come, let's go!

Aha!

I don't think we want
to use that later on.

Uh‐uh.

Yeah.

Hey, y'all see any
flurries out there?

It's like spring out there?

Half the town is
hangin' out at the mall

just for the air conditioner.

‐ A mall? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

Actually there are
two, not to mention

several luxury hotels,
couple of restaurants

and a piercing parlor.

I don't get it, I mean,
last time I was here

only thing they had
was a general store

a fillin' station

and a take‐out joint called
Canucky Fried Chicken.

That must have
been before they built

the big amusement
park up the road.

Six Flags over Petawawa?

Well, you just let civilization

try to encroach
on my little Eden

but no one can take away
the Jones family tradition

of choppin' down its
very own Christmas tree.

‐ Nah. ‐ Well, let's go.

All we ever got to do was
assemble ours. Come on!

Hey, come on, y'all, now
how am I supposed to sleep in

if y'all have all that
racket goin' on?

Girl, look, it is a
beautiful day out there.

I mean, you can actually
take a deep breath

without swallowing
something solid.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Oh. Does that bag say "Sex?"

You bet, it's a half mile up
the road, next to Nieman's.

‐ Nieman's? ‐ 'Mm‐hmm.'

Oh, hold my cars.
I'll be at the mall.

Listen, um..

I'm really sorry about
lettin' that slip out last night.

I, I just assumed that you knew

your character was going
to be choked to death

by a pregnant octopus.

Wow, Khadijah and I thought

it was gonna be an angry
husband with a blowgun.

Oh, so, um..

So, so you two have,
have talked about this, then.

‐ Oh! ‐ Ooh.

Practically, all night, I
mean, if it wasn't for Khadijah

I'd still be wanderin' around,
feelin' sorry for myself.

‐ Now I'm ready
to die. ‐ To die?

‐ 'Die already.' ‐ Khadijah!

'You got me. Oh.'

Thank you for taking the
time to comfort my date.

Oh, well, thank you
for makin' it necessary.

‐ Are these two with you?
‐ Yeah. What's goin' on?

I'm Constable Robeson,
Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Yes, there are black Mounties.

I apprehend that Ms.
James and Mr. Jones

engaged in the
willful destruction

of the Canadian National Forest.

Alright, you can't
make it stick.

You can't give him a
citation on Christmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve
for trees, too, eh?

Even if they don't
celebrate it as we do.

Oh..

I'm sorry, Obie. Maybe we
can pick up a tree in town.

Nah, it just seems like
all my family traditions

are being stripped away.

I mean, no tree,
no hole in the wall

no badger, no
outdoor toilet, nothin'!

Is that your van parked
on the road, Mr. Jones?

You're parked within 300
centimeters of a hydrant, eh.

‐ Oh! ‐ Oh!

♪ We go laughing all the way ♪
♪ We go laughing all the way ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪
♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

You two have been snackin' on
some of those wild mushrooms?

Oh, the woods
have transformed us.

I mean, we were hiking up a
hill and Kyle lost his balance

and I actually reached
out a hand to help him.

And then we helped
deliver a baby deer

and called him Sunshine.

Oh!

Hey, what do you say, what
do you say we go into the kitchen

and clear off one of
those counters, you know?

‐ Rrrr.. ‐ Okay?

Oh, my!

Hey, I think you might wanna..

Think about
ordering out tonight.

Ah, don't worry, after I catch

those traditional trout
in the stream outback

I'm gonna sizzle 'em up outdoors
just like my daddy used to.

Your family made traditions
out of pretty much everything.

‐ Didn't they? ‐ Yupper.

Every Christmas Eve,
whoever caught the biggest trout

could choose the first carol.

I never forget when my
cousin Margaret led us

in a disturbing rendition
of "I Shot The Sheriff."

But she did not
shoot the deputy.

Let's go, let's go catch
us some fish. Come on.

‐ Oh. ‐ Ooh! Open up!

Good news, everyone.

Santa Regine has arrived

with a festive Christmas tree.

There's your
Shooting Stars! Yes!

An extra point for knockin'
out the goalies, too.

Yeah. You know, you are amazing.

Yeah, she is, isn't she?

Oh, Regine.

When did you get back?

Never mind.

‐ Is she upset? ‐ Usually.

What now?

Fishing without a license
and interfering with a Mountie

in the performance
of his duties.

All I did was ask him
if I could try on the hat.

Eh.

And Santa's helpers are here.

You know, all your
sweetness and good cheer

is just ruining
Christmas for all of us.

Care to comment, my
beautiful launderette?

Well, who knew a Canadian
rinse cycle would be so hot?

We going to have a
Santa‐less Christmas this year

'cause there's no way I'm
gonna be Saint Nick in pink.

Besides, these
pants are startin'

to get a little too personal.

Alright. Alright,
now. This should..

This should tide you
over till you get back

to your mama's Christmas duck.

Alright, alright.
Thank you, Deej.

‐ Oh! ‐ Deej?

So, what the hell
is goin' on here?

I'm goin' home
to see my parents.

I thought your parents
fell into a volcano.

Those are my
character's parents.

I haven't seen mine
since I left the circus

to become an actor.
But, now thanks to Deej

I'm gonna have a nice
Christmas with mom, dad

and the rest of the
flying Washingtons, right?

Thank you for
sending me an angel.

‐ So, I'll talk you,
huh? ‐ Alright.

‐ Alright. ‐ You take care.

‐ Bye, baby. ‐ Call me then.

‐ Love you. ‐ Alright.

Ah! Uh‐huh?

So, so that's how it is, right?

See, see, see, you
can't have a man

so, I can't have
one either, right?

That's how you gonna play me!

Okay, Santa, Santa.

Time to hand out
the gifts, Go, go, go.

‐ Yeah. ‐ What are
you talkin' about?

See, first you
just reel Brent in

with your fake
charm and sympathy

and then when you realized

you couldn't hold on
to him with me around

you sent him to the only
woman who could, his mama.

Kyle, electric socks!

Oh, my feet are
forever in your debt.

Regine, you have
tripped right off the planet.

Overton

this woman is not to
receive my Christmas gift.

‐ Crazy, you bought it
for me. ‐ That's it! That's it!

You're supposed to be my friend!
You're supposed to be my friend!

Take it!

I want you to know that
you have just missed out

on one hell of a picture frame!

A laser disc player?

Max, what happened
to our $20 price limit?

Ah, Kyle, with the mountain air
and the wonderful exchange rate

I guess I got carried away.

But, Max, you made
me look like a fool.

‐ I mean, a cheap fool. ‐ Yeah.

This must be returned.

Uh‐uh. That came from the heart.

No, that came from the sick,
twisted place inside of you

that compels you
to upstage everyone.

And you know what? It's
not even top of the line.

Well, neither are you,
you big‐old gas bag.

Oh, wow!

A Cleveland Indians
limited edition.

World Series ornament.

Thanks, Synclaire, you
salvaged my Christmas.

Well, ho‐ho‐ho.

‐ Hi. ‐ Sweet pea.

How'd you find me way out here?

I asked around.

You're the only black,
pink Santa in town.

What's that?

Eh, it's the rollercoaster
over at Six Flags.

The Eviscerator.

Obie, I know
things didn't turn out

exactly the way
you wanted them to

but isn't the important thing

that you're here
with your friends?

Naw.

I mean, if, if I
wanted to be with y'all

I coulda just
stayed in Brooklyn.

Came out here to
recapture somethin'.

I mean, maybe I was little naive

but over the years I
hung onto the belief

that there was still a place

where every little
moment was perfect.

Well, listen, I hate
to bring you down

but, since you're
already there..

It seems to me that
your Christmases

were always a little lame.

‐ Lame? ‐ 'Yeah!'

Uncle Tibby puking on a manger?

Cousin Margaret singing
those homicidal carols?

Unwrappin' your training bra

in front of 15 hootin' cousins.

Oh, oh, wait now.

Ooh, that was from my childhood.

Alright, maybe I did have a
country‐ass Christmas. But..

Why my memories feel
this sweet and nostalgic?

I told you.

You spent them
with people you love.

So, you're sayin'
one day I'll look back

on this sorry Christmas
with the same fuzzy feelin'?

I hope so.

Mistletoe.

Hm, I'm looking forward to
remembering that one already.

Overton? Obie, man, you alright?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Oh, I see the happy
truce is back in effect.

No, not really. But you
know, after much debate.

Broom Hilda and I
came to the conclusion

that it just takes way too
much energy to be nice.

Yes, once Beelzebub
and I started criticizing

each other's gifts and
calling each other name

it kind of rekindled that
old flame, you know?

Christmas miracles
keep on comin'.

Oh. Okay.

Khadijah.

Let me chit and chat with ya.

Listen, uh, I was
somewhat out of line earlier.

Ah, forget it.

Maybe I shouldn't have
mesmerized your man.

You reeled in an
unemployed actor.

Ooh, you really have power.

I don't know how you
people run things in the States

but up here we have a
little thing called respect.

That fire? Illegal.

Ah!

Hey, just write me up, bro.

Come on, man, have a heart.

I have a heart, ma'am

and it's right here
under this badge

and it's hurting.

My dinner date for the
RCMP Christmas Dinner Dance

cancelled on me

but if you'd accompany
me to said event

perhaps I'd consider
downgrading this citation

to a simple in the
future.. Watch it.

Sorry, but I got a date
with that rollercoaster

but perhaps my friend, Regine,
here, would be interested.

No, Khadijah, I
really don't think‐‐.

Mm‐hmm.

Is a backless gown appropriate?

I'll pick you up at
1900 hours, eh?

Eh.

I feel something. Is that snow?

No, that's hail,
baby, that's hail.

‐ Ow! ‐ Ow! Ow!

♪ Oh the weather
outside is frightful ♪

♪ But the fire
is so delightful ♪

♪ And since we've
no place to go ♪

♪ Let it snow let it
snow let it snow ♪

We'll be right back.

♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is calm ♪

♪ A‐I‐I ♪
♪ A‐I‐I ♪

♪ Is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin ♪
♪ Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and c‐h‐I‐I‐d ♪
♪ Mother and c‐h‐I‐I‐d ♪

♪ Holy infant ♪
♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪
♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in ♪

♪ Heavenly peace ♪
♪ Heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in ♪
♪ Sleep in ♪

♪ Heavenly peace ♪
♪ Heavenly peace ♪

‐ 'Oh.' ‐ 'Oh, Whoa.'

Whoo‐hoo!!