Living Single (1993–1998): Season 1, Episode 25 - A Tale of Two Tattles - full transcript
Regine's new comedian boyfriend uses the girls' secrets in his act.
Synclaire, I can't believe
you bought five packs
of Almost Turkey hot dogs.
It's supermarket etiquette.
Once you taste a free sample,
you're committed to buy.
Hey, you guys. Guess
who's back in town.
Hey.
Hey, Tony, how's
the standup goin'?
Oh, it's going really good
but I got bumped from
Arsenio three times.
They keep bookin' me
with Richard Simmons.
And you know, once he
skips into the audience
doin' that deal‐a‐meal
dance, it's all over with.
You can lose weight too.
Oh, he is going to be big.
That's why I like him.
Hey! Spotted those groceries
from across the street.
What we got goin' on
here? Almost Turkey?
Whose idea was that? Bleh.
Pay dirt! Oreos!
You didn't get the double stuff.
What am I going to have
to give you people? A list?
Come to mama. Come
on. Muah. Yes. Ah!
Ain't‐ain't you forgettin'
a little somethin'
to wash that down with?
Right.
I thought you only
had two roommates.
‐ Uh‐huh, and
a pet pig. ‐ Right.
♪ Check check check it out
check check check it out ♪
♪ What you want?
No free position ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yes we're living
the single life yeah ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh and in a
'90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up what? ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life
gets tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ And in a '90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Haaa ♪
‐ Want a mint? ‐ No, thank you.
Hey, wanna see
Khadijah in an Afro?
That's no big deal.
Afros are back.
Not this Afro.
Khadijah, you got
enough hair here
for earth, wind and fire.
You better stop
cracking on my afro now.
Hello. Hey, Kyle.
Why the hell should I know
where you're calling from?
Because I'm right here!
With my brand‐new,
top‐of‐the‐line
state‐of‐the‐art Kuwahara
C‐1000 cellular phone.
Hey, you can hang up
on him and slam the door
in his face at the same time.
‐ Oh, can I see? ‐ Certainly.
But you gotta be careful.
It's a very sophisticated
piece of equipment.
It has a 100 number memory.
It can be set to
ring or vibrate.
And it can recognize my
voice and dial on command.
Okay. Well, how does that work?
I have no idea, it
took me 20 minutes
to figure out how to
call you from the hallway.
Hey, y'all, I got the
Almost Bread buns
for the Almost Turkey dogs,
so, uh, let's get a grub on.
Right, we're just sittin'
here listenin' to Kyle
tell us everything
he doesn't know
about that new phone he bought.
Hey, hey, hey. I know it
weighs only 5.9 ounces.
Oh!
Oh, no, I gotta pick up
this heavy phone again.
Synclaire, spot me.
Ooh! I made it vibrate.
Since you are havin' so
much fun with my new phone
why don't you program
some numbers in it for me?
Oh, I'll take care of that
as soon as, uh, Synclaire
works out this knot.
Oh, over there, baby.
That's the spot, yeah.
You know what I like.
Hm. Oh, take me home.
Take it home. Take it..
Hey, y'all.
‐ Hi there. ‐ Alrighty.
‐ I'll tell her you
called. ‐ Phew!
‐ Bye. ‐ Eeh.
‐ Regine? ‐ Yes?
That was your pear‐shaped
friend April from the boutique.
Yeah, well, actually, she's
lost a few inches in the hips.
Now she's shaped like a banana.
Anyway, she was calling
to say she couldn't make it
to the comedy club tonight.
Alright.
She also said that she was glad
that Alonzo and I made up.
Now how does this
fruit‐shaped friend of yours
even know Alonzo
and I had a fight?
'Cause I, I may
have mentioned it.
I, I, ah!
I may have mentioned it
when‐when April was
fightin' with her boyfriend.
Isn't April the one
who's really a man?
No, April's the one whose
thighs play shoop when she walks.
I thought Cleo was the
one with the musical thighs
or is she the one
with the hair plugs?
You know way too
much about these people.
That's because Radio Free
Regine is on the mike 24/7.
No, not me. You
ought to hear April.
Ooh! Get that girl started
and she'll tell you secrets
her father told her
from the Pentagon.
Y'all know that they got an
alien skeleton over there?
‐ Really? ‐ From
what planet, girl?
Girl, from Saturn.
That's where that car
company come from.
‐ No? ‐ For real?
‐ Look at you. Look
at you! ‐ What? What?
‐ Gossipin' to defend gossip.
‐ I do not gossip, alright?
I merely..
Commiserate on the
human condition, okay?
And if you don't like
it, you don't have to use
my free tickets to the
comedy club tonight.
Oh, oh, you think
I'm on the take?
You think you could just buy
me with a couple of freebies?
‐ Well, you're lucky
you can. ‐ Yeah.
What's wrong, baby?
Well, I don't know
whether to put the succotash
with the yellow vegetables
or the beans.
Why not just put
it in the middle
as a bridge betwixt the two?
Overton, is there no
problem you can't fix?
Yeah, I've got a few ideas
about that Middle East situation.
What I'd really like to
figure out is how to program
more numbers into Kyle's phone
'cause 56 ladies' numbers
just aren't gonna fit.
‐ Fifty six ladies?
‐ Girl, yeah.
But see, most of them
are just to support.
Kyle's playboy delusions.
I sure wish that Kyle
would settle down.
Well, actually he is.
He's dating Leslie and
Phaedra exclusively.
‐ Obie? ‐ Hm?
Do you ever date
more than one woman?
Not unless there was
more than one of you.
And even then, hell, I'd
be partial to the first one.
You know, baby, I
like to finish what I start.
Oh, Overton.
So you won't mind if
I just give this phone
a little test run right now.
Guess we'll start off with
bachelorette number one.
Phaedra. One button. Pow!
Hello.
Answerin' machine.
Hello, Phaedra?
This is Overton,
Kyle's roommate.
And I'm programming
his new cellular phone.
You'll be happy to know
that your phone number
is the first in his new
phone as well as in his heart.
Oh, cool. You're home,
Phaedra. Hey, I was won..
Uh, Leslie?
Uh, no chance you might be
over at Phaedra's house, huh?
Alright, well, look here.
Nice talkin' to you. Bye‐bye.
Well, it looks like Kyle
might be settlin' down
a little sooner
than we anticipated.
Hey, thank you. Thank you.
You know, in 1969, my
father joined the Nation of Islam
'which is just cheating
me out of all the holidays.'
'Suddenly, there
was no Christmas.'
I had to fast for a month.
My grandmother freaked out.
She's a born‐again Christian.
She couldn't believe it.
The baby can't
have no Christmas?
What do you mean that
child can't have a Christmas?
It's Christmas time!
Hey, thanks you guys
for comin'. I'm up next.
‐ Oh. ‐ Alright.
This guy, you probably seen him
in, uh, "Strictly Business III."
Uh, he's currently
on a ten‐college tour
openin' for Leroy & Skillet.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mr. Tony Ross!
'Tony Ross, please.'
Give it up for Hutch.
He could have combed
his hair for the show, huh?
Oh, man! You
can tell it's spring
'cause that's when all the
beautiful women come out.
Look out. Hey, hey,
hey, not you, girl.
You've been out
since winter. Sit down.
Lookin' like Scottie
Pippen or somebody.
Shut up, girl.
Let's give a big round of
applause to all the ladies now.
'There you go.'
But you gotta admit,
women work hard
to look good, don't they?
Well, you ever look into
a woman's bathroom?
All the stuff they have?
Look, look at that brother,
that brother got the look like.
"I‐I do. I‐I peek in every
now and then. Whee!"
Look at you. Proud
to be a freak, huh?
What is that? Oh,
you have a phone?
What is that? Uh‐oh.
What have we got here?
'Oh. Hey, look at
this, look at this.'
Hey, hey, it's Prince Kamunga.
How you doing, brother?
I guess if they did
"Coming To America Part II"
you ought to be able
to be in Wardrobe, huh?
But he had to let everybody know
he has a cellular
phone right here.
Perpetrating hard.
You know that thing ain't
even hooked up. Look at it.
I'll call you back later.
Yeah, you're gonna call later
right from that pay
phone out there.
Probably was his wife.
He probably told her he was
goin' out to go get a Snapple.
He in here buyin' dinner
for four women. Look at him.
And women love to eat food
that's free, don't you, ladies?
Oh, God! Why not?
I know a woman, check this out.
I know a woman, an attorney
ate a whole pot of free
chili before she went to court.
'She had so much
gas, the judge said'
"Another outburst like that
and we're gonna clear
the courtroom now."
That sounds like
what happened to you.
Sounds like Regine's
been running off her mouth.
Oh. What are we
talkin' about? Oh, yeah.
Women and their
crazy groomin' habits.
I know a woman who get her
feet waxed every other week.
'I can't get with that.
How's it gonna feel saying'
"damn, damn, Sasquatch.
I thought she was
wearin' fur slippers."
She got in the
shower, looked like
she had a Jheri
curl on her ankle.
Either Tony's psychic or
somebody has a big mouth.
If that's not enough
to turn you off
what about women who
wear them big granny drawers?
The kind you can pull
up and make a halter top.
'They come in that
little three‐pack.'
Oh.
And then they come
in those exciting colors.
Canary yellow, pink
and powder blue.
Like if they make them
in red, that'd be too sexy.
Wh‐what? He's funny.
Thank you!
Alright, drive safely.
I'm Tony Ross. Peace. Thank you.
Tony Ross, ladies and gentlemen.
Another round of applause.
For Tony Ross.
Whoo! Uh..
Regine, you little maggot.
I can't believe you
put our business
out in the street like that.
You told him about my feet.
And my panties.
And I will have you know that
since I have been dating Alonzo
I've been wearing my
special occasion underwear
from the back of the drawer.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, please.
They're called
unmentionables for a reason.
I'm saying, come on.
How would you feel if
your comedian friend
did a little routine about you?
Hey, folks, how you doin'?
'I have this friend, Regine.'
She's so vain
she probably thinks
this joke is about her!
Don't you? Don't you?
Carly Simon, ladies
and gentlemen.
So glad you could join
us. Now sit your ass down.
Don't make me roll up on
stage, Mr. Comedy Man.
Shh. Shh.
Miss Girl, that
wasn't necessary.
It doesn't feel so
good when the shoe's
on the other
hairy foot, does it?
Canary yellow?
‐ Let's get the hell
out of‐‐ ‐ Yo, let's roll.
Alright! They're leavin',
ladies and gentlemen.
Alright! Yeah!
Oh, yeah, look at 'em,
you can dress 'em up
'but you can't take
them nowhere.'
Phew!
Oh, come on, y'all.
Somebody talk to me.
Why bother? We'll
just talk to Tony.
Eliminate the middleman.
Now come on, ladies,
now don't you think
you're bein' a bit
hard on Regine?
I mean, you need to
take a page from our book.
Men would just laugh
this whole thing off.
That's right.
And, and when you think about it
whoo, it's really pretty funny.
You go to hell!
There is nothing funny
about a bigmouth roommate.
Ditto. Except for the hell part.
I'd walk out on you,
too, but I'm comfortable.
Proves my point.
Women have no
sense of humor, man.
‐ Yeah, not like us, huh,
Kyle? ‐ That's right, buddy.
Yeah, I mean, men, hell,
we can laugh at anything.
I'm telling you, man, we can.
Remember that time you told
me to program your phone?
‐ Uh‐huh. ‐ Oh,
you gonna love this.
Well, come on, tell me.
Talk to me. Come on.
You told me to put those
girls' numbers into it.
Ooh.
Oh, stop me! Here's the kicker.
I thought I was calling Phaedra
and it turns out Leslie
answered the phone.
Man, I'd dialed the
wrong number by mistake.
'Whoo.'
‐ This is a joke, right?
‐ Now that's comedy.
Hey, ladies.
Phew. Can I hang
here for a while?
I need to get away from Overton.
He's apologizing me up the wall.
‐ Kyle, I'm sorry. ‐ Oh.
Overton, I told you, if you
really wanna make it up to me
call Leslie and tell her
you programmed my phone
from an old address book
and that I am not
seeing Phaedra anymore.
Uh, can't I just
write you a check?
You know how I hate to lie.
Which is why God
excuses you when you do.
Hell, I can't lie with
all y'all starin' at me.
Hey, everybody, look who's here.
Ooh, it's Beavis and Bigmouth.
What'd you come by
for? Some new material?
Look, actually, I
came by to apologize.
I heard you guys were
upset with my act last night.
Oh, how'd you hear that?
Anyway, hey, I'm sorry.
‐ Alright, okay, we're
cool. ‐ I suppose so.
I don't know.
It seems to me that this apology
should come with some benefits
like, um, let's say
some free tickets
on a night when
you're not performing.
That's cold, but I think
it could be arranged.
Then the matter's settled.
And this whole thing
wasn't Regine's fault.
It's just that I‐I like to talk
about things that are real.
But you must admit,
the part about stuffin'
the prom dress was pretty funny.
You know about that?
Uh, Tony, honey, say
bye‐bye. Say, just..
Tony, I don't remember you
talkin' about a prom dress.
Oh, man, yeah, you do.
It's the part about Synclaire
stuffing her bra with
tissue on prom night.
It was a sheer chiffon
dress and it started rainin'
and the tissue started
meltin' and people said she..
Oh, you guys weren't at
the late show, were ya?
I'm out of here.
It‐it wasn't chiffon,
it was taffeta.
A‐and I never even told Regine.
The only person
I ever told was..
Well, I ain't tell Regine.
I told Max.
And it was funny. And
I had to tell somebody.
Dagnabbit, Regine!
I told you in the
strictest confidence.
Unh‐unh. Don't even try
to play me like that, woman.
‐ I can't believe‐‐ ‐ If
you didn't want me know‐‐.
Hey, thank you. I'm Tony Ross.
You guys have been
great. Drive safely.
Well, it's pretty clear
there's no trusting
anybody around here.
Now, see?
Don't you all
feel a little bit bad
that you came down
so hard on poor Regine?
Not at all 'cause you
talk too damn much.
And I think we all just
need to make a little effort
not to gossip.
Wait a minute. Hold up.
Now th‐that's very vague, okay?
What do you mean by gossip?
Whatever comes
out of your mouth.
Well, fine.
Live your little life
in the dark, hear?
Kyle, you'll be glad to know
the mission is accomplished.
So you told her
the story exactly
as we rehearsed it, right?
‐ Exactly. ‐ Alright.
‐ So we tight again?
‐ We tight, man.
‐ Bow‐wow. ‐ So how'd it go?
Oh, she mad as hell.
Well, she said she's
looking for Phaedra
and they're gonna
have a chit‐chat.
What?
Man, she saw through me
like a chiffon prom
dress in the rain.
It was taffeta. Taffeta.
And who told you?
Talk show, turn.
Talk show. Turn.
Talk show. Just turn it off.
You know, instead
of all these talk shows
they should just
have a quiet show.
We can sit and watch people
thinking about something.
See? Now, Synclaire, I
try to be right there for you.
You know, 'cause you're family.
Then you take that fork in the
road and you lose me every time.
What did she..
Y'all, ooh!
Y'all are not gonna
believe what I just heard.
Look, we're not trying to hear
anymore of your gossip, alright?
Come on, I wasn't tryin'
to hear it either, alright?
I was walkin' down the
street mindin' my own business
and well, my ears were just
just assaulted by
this conversation.
Well, ours don't have to be.
‐ 'That's right.' ‐ We
agreed not to do this.
It's about Kyle.
Okay, maybe we should
consider that, you know.
If you start gossipin',
the floodgates will open.
We might not be able
to trust each other again.
Now is it worth that?
Is it worth that?
Khadijah, I wanna hear it.
Fine.
Synclaire?
Um, I'll just stay and
monitor the conversation
to make sure it
doesn't get out of hand.
Okay, alright, y'all.
I'm walkin' home
from the store, right
and guess who is
walkin' right in front of me?
Go, go. We don't have no
time for a guessing game.
‐ Get to the juice.
‐ Okay. Alright.
Those two girls
that Kyle is seeing
uh, uh, Leslie and‐and Phaedra
y'all, they were headed this way
and they were comparing
some very intimate notes.
‐ Do tell. ‐ Ah‐ah.
First of all, Kyle
sprinkles his sheets
with enough baby
powder to choke a horse.
Then wait a minute, y'all.
The brother irons his underwear.
Oh, how sad. How sad.
Wait, here's the main course.
When Kyle reaches his..
Romantic peak..
My brother stutters.
Wait! L‐I‐loudly!
Volume! Volume! Volume!
That ain't, that ain't nothing.
Kyle and those girls are in
the hallway arguin' right now!
Well, ladies, come on,
give me a chance to explain.
Please, your explanations
are as tired as you are.
Powder boy.
Just trying to let them
down easy, you know.
Poor Kyle.
And you were just
gonna settle down.
Kyle, if there's anything
we can do for you..
Um, for Leslie
and Phaedra's sake
I trust you all can keep this
to yourselves, you know?
Maybe we will, maybe
we w‐w‐w‐won't!
Talk show, turn.
Talk show. Turn.
Ooh, "The Laugh Train."
Turn it up.
'It's Christmas time.'
'Thank you.'
'Now give it up for
my man Tony Ross.'
'Alright, y'all. Thank
you. It's good to be here.'
Hey, look, your man is on TV.
Uh‐huh. See, I told y'all
he was goin' someplace.
Mm‐hmm. Let's just
hope he's funny this time.
'What was I talkin'
about? Oh, yeah, dating.'
'I'm dating this
woman now, beautiful.'
He's talkin' about me.
‐ 'And she knows
it.' ‐ Yes, I do.
Yes, yes, I do.
'Yeah, she's so vain,
she probably thinks'
'this joke is about her.'
Hey, he stole my act.
Didn't he? Didn't he?
you bought five packs
of Almost Turkey hot dogs.
It's supermarket etiquette.
Once you taste a free sample,
you're committed to buy.
Hey, you guys. Guess
who's back in town.
Hey.
Hey, Tony, how's
the standup goin'?
Oh, it's going really good
but I got bumped from
Arsenio three times.
They keep bookin' me
with Richard Simmons.
And you know, once he
skips into the audience
doin' that deal‐a‐meal
dance, it's all over with.
You can lose weight too.
Oh, he is going to be big.
That's why I like him.
Hey! Spotted those groceries
from across the street.
What we got goin' on
here? Almost Turkey?
Whose idea was that? Bleh.
Pay dirt! Oreos!
You didn't get the double stuff.
What am I going to have
to give you people? A list?
Come to mama. Come
on. Muah. Yes. Ah!
Ain't‐ain't you forgettin'
a little somethin'
to wash that down with?
Right.
I thought you only
had two roommates.
‐ Uh‐huh, and
a pet pig. ‐ Right.
♪ Check check check it out
check check check it out ♪
♪ What you want?
No free position ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Yes we're living
the single life yeah ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ Ooh and in a
'90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Oh keep your head up what? ♪
♪ Keep your head
up that's right ♪
♪ Whenever this life
gets tough you gotta fight ♪
♪ With my home girls standing
to my left and my right ♪
♪ True blue it's
tight like glue ♪
♪ We are living ♪
♪ Check check check it out ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Single ♪
♪ And in a '90s kind of world ♪
♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪
♪ Haaa ♪
‐ Want a mint? ‐ No, thank you.
Hey, wanna see
Khadijah in an Afro?
That's no big deal.
Afros are back.
Not this Afro.
Khadijah, you got
enough hair here
for earth, wind and fire.
You better stop
cracking on my afro now.
Hello. Hey, Kyle.
Why the hell should I know
where you're calling from?
Because I'm right here!
With my brand‐new,
top‐of‐the‐line
state‐of‐the‐art Kuwahara
C‐1000 cellular phone.
Hey, you can hang up
on him and slam the door
in his face at the same time.
‐ Oh, can I see? ‐ Certainly.
But you gotta be careful.
It's a very sophisticated
piece of equipment.
It has a 100 number memory.
It can be set to
ring or vibrate.
And it can recognize my
voice and dial on command.
Okay. Well, how does that work?
I have no idea, it
took me 20 minutes
to figure out how to
call you from the hallway.
Hey, y'all, I got the
Almost Bread buns
for the Almost Turkey dogs,
so, uh, let's get a grub on.
Right, we're just sittin'
here listenin' to Kyle
tell us everything
he doesn't know
about that new phone he bought.
Hey, hey, hey. I know it
weighs only 5.9 ounces.
Oh!
Oh, no, I gotta pick up
this heavy phone again.
Synclaire, spot me.
Ooh! I made it vibrate.
Since you are havin' so
much fun with my new phone
why don't you program
some numbers in it for me?
Oh, I'll take care of that
as soon as, uh, Synclaire
works out this knot.
Oh, over there, baby.
That's the spot, yeah.
You know what I like.
Hm. Oh, take me home.
Take it home. Take it..
Hey, y'all.
‐ Hi there. ‐ Alrighty.
‐ I'll tell her you
called. ‐ Phew!
‐ Bye. ‐ Eeh.
‐ Regine? ‐ Yes?
That was your pear‐shaped
friend April from the boutique.
Yeah, well, actually, she's
lost a few inches in the hips.
Now she's shaped like a banana.
Anyway, she was calling
to say she couldn't make it
to the comedy club tonight.
Alright.
She also said that she was glad
that Alonzo and I made up.
Now how does this
fruit‐shaped friend of yours
even know Alonzo
and I had a fight?
'Cause I, I may
have mentioned it.
I, I, ah!
I may have mentioned it
when‐when April was
fightin' with her boyfriend.
Isn't April the one
who's really a man?
No, April's the one whose
thighs play shoop when she walks.
I thought Cleo was the
one with the musical thighs
or is she the one
with the hair plugs?
You know way too
much about these people.
That's because Radio Free
Regine is on the mike 24/7.
No, not me. You
ought to hear April.
Ooh! Get that girl started
and she'll tell you secrets
her father told her
from the Pentagon.
Y'all know that they got an
alien skeleton over there?
‐ Really? ‐ From
what planet, girl?
Girl, from Saturn.
That's where that car
company come from.
‐ No? ‐ For real?
‐ Look at you. Look
at you! ‐ What? What?
‐ Gossipin' to defend gossip.
‐ I do not gossip, alright?
I merely..
Commiserate on the
human condition, okay?
And if you don't like
it, you don't have to use
my free tickets to the
comedy club tonight.
Oh, oh, you think
I'm on the take?
You think you could just buy
me with a couple of freebies?
‐ Well, you're lucky
you can. ‐ Yeah.
What's wrong, baby?
Well, I don't know
whether to put the succotash
with the yellow vegetables
or the beans.
Why not just put
it in the middle
as a bridge betwixt the two?
Overton, is there no
problem you can't fix?
Yeah, I've got a few ideas
about that Middle East situation.
What I'd really like to
figure out is how to program
more numbers into Kyle's phone
'cause 56 ladies' numbers
just aren't gonna fit.
‐ Fifty six ladies?
‐ Girl, yeah.
But see, most of them
are just to support.
Kyle's playboy delusions.
I sure wish that Kyle
would settle down.
Well, actually he is.
He's dating Leslie and
Phaedra exclusively.
‐ Obie? ‐ Hm?
Do you ever date
more than one woman?
Not unless there was
more than one of you.
And even then, hell, I'd
be partial to the first one.
You know, baby, I
like to finish what I start.
Oh, Overton.
So you won't mind if
I just give this phone
a little test run right now.
Guess we'll start off with
bachelorette number one.
Phaedra. One button. Pow!
Hello.
Answerin' machine.
Hello, Phaedra?
This is Overton,
Kyle's roommate.
And I'm programming
his new cellular phone.
You'll be happy to know
that your phone number
is the first in his new
phone as well as in his heart.
Oh, cool. You're home,
Phaedra. Hey, I was won..
Uh, Leslie?
Uh, no chance you might be
over at Phaedra's house, huh?
Alright, well, look here.
Nice talkin' to you. Bye‐bye.
Well, it looks like Kyle
might be settlin' down
a little sooner
than we anticipated.
Hey, thank you. Thank you.
You know, in 1969, my
father joined the Nation of Islam
'which is just cheating
me out of all the holidays.'
'Suddenly, there
was no Christmas.'
I had to fast for a month.
My grandmother freaked out.
She's a born‐again Christian.
She couldn't believe it.
The baby can't
have no Christmas?
What do you mean that
child can't have a Christmas?
It's Christmas time!
Hey, thanks you guys
for comin'. I'm up next.
‐ Oh. ‐ Alright.
This guy, you probably seen him
in, uh, "Strictly Business III."
Uh, he's currently
on a ten‐college tour
openin' for Leroy & Skillet.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mr. Tony Ross!
'Tony Ross, please.'
Give it up for Hutch.
He could have combed
his hair for the show, huh?
Oh, man! You
can tell it's spring
'cause that's when all the
beautiful women come out.
Look out. Hey, hey,
hey, not you, girl.
You've been out
since winter. Sit down.
Lookin' like Scottie
Pippen or somebody.
Shut up, girl.
Let's give a big round of
applause to all the ladies now.
'There you go.'
But you gotta admit,
women work hard
to look good, don't they?
Well, you ever look into
a woman's bathroom?
All the stuff they have?
Look, look at that brother,
that brother got the look like.
"I‐I do. I‐I peek in every
now and then. Whee!"
Look at you. Proud
to be a freak, huh?
What is that? Oh,
you have a phone?
What is that? Uh‐oh.
What have we got here?
'Oh. Hey, look at
this, look at this.'
Hey, hey, it's Prince Kamunga.
How you doing, brother?
I guess if they did
"Coming To America Part II"
you ought to be able
to be in Wardrobe, huh?
But he had to let everybody know
he has a cellular
phone right here.
Perpetrating hard.
You know that thing ain't
even hooked up. Look at it.
I'll call you back later.
Yeah, you're gonna call later
right from that pay
phone out there.
Probably was his wife.
He probably told her he was
goin' out to go get a Snapple.
He in here buyin' dinner
for four women. Look at him.
And women love to eat food
that's free, don't you, ladies?
Oh, God! Why not?
I know a woman, check this out.
I know a woman, an attorney
ate a whole pot of free
chili before she went to court.
'She had so much
gas, the judge said'
"Another outburst like that
and we're gonna clear
the courtroom now."
That sounds like
what happened to you.
Sounds like Regine's
been running off her mouth.
Oh. What are we
talkin' about? Oh, yeah.
Women and their
crazy groomin' habits.
I know a woman who get her
feet waxed every other week.
'I can't get with that.
How's it gonna feel saying'
"damn, damn, Sasquatch.
I thought she was
wearin' fur slippers."
She got in the
shower, looked like
she had a Jheri
curl on her ankle.
Either Tony's psychic or
somebody has a big mouth.
If that's not enough
to turn you off
what about women who
wear them big granny drawers?
The kind you can pull
up and make a halter top.
'They come in that
little three‐pack.'
Oh.
And then they come
in those exciting colors.
Canary yellow, pink
and powder blue.
Like if they make them
in red, that'd be too sexy.
Wh‐what? He's funny.
Thank you!
Alright, drive safely.
I'm Tony Ross. Peace. Thank you.
Tony Ross, ladies and gentlemen.
Another round of applause.
For Tony Ross.
Whoo! Uh..
Regine, you little maggot.
I can't believe you
put our business
out in the street like that.
You told him about my feet.
And my panties.
And I will have you know that
since I have been dating Alonzo
I've been wearing my
special occasion underwear
from the back of the drawer.
Ladies, ladies, ladies, please.
They're called
unmentionables for a reason.
I'm saying, come on.
How would you feel if
your comedian friend
did a little routine about you?
Hey, folks, how you doin'?
'I have this friend, Regine.'
She's so vain
she probably thinks
this joke is about her!
Don't you? Don't you?
Carly Simon, ladies
and gentlemen.
So glad you could join
us. Now sit your ass down.
Don't make me roll up on
stage, Mr. Comedy Man.
Shh. Shh.
Miss Girl, that
wasn't necessary.
It doesn't feel so
good when the shoe's
on the other
hairy foot, does it?
Canary yellow?
‐ Let's get the hell
out of‐‐ ‐ Yo, let's roll.
Alright! They're leavin',
ladies and gentlemen.
Alright! Yeah!
Oh, yeah, look at 'em,
you can dress 'em up
'but you can't take
them nowhere.'
Phew!
Oh, come on, y'all.
Somebody talk to me.
Why bother? We'll
just talk to Tony.
Eliminate the middleman.
Now come on, ladies,
now don't you think
you're bein' a bit
hard on Regine?
I mean, you need to
take a page from our book.
Men would just laugh
this whole thing off.
That's right.
And, and when you think about it
whoo, it's really pretty funny.
You go to hell!
There is nothing funny
about a bigmouth roommate.
Ditto. Except for the hell part.
I'd walk out on you,
too, but I'm comfortable.
Proves my point.
Women have no
sense of humor, man.
‐ Yeah, not like us, huh,
Kyle? ‐ That's right, buddy.
Yeah, I mean, men, hell,
we can laugh at anything.
I'm telling you, man, we can.
Remember that time you told
me to program your phone?
‐ Uh‐huh. ‐ Oh,
you gonna love this.
Well, come on, tell me.
Talk to me. Come on.
You told me to put those
girls' numbers into it.
Ooh.
Oh, stop me! Here's the kicker.
I thought I was calling Phaedra
and it turns out Leslie
answered the phone.
Man, I'd dialed the
wrong number by mistake.
'Whoo.'
‐ This is a joke, right?
‐ Now that's comedy.
Hey, ladies.
Phew. Can I hang
here for a while?
I need to get away from Overton.
He's apologizing me up the wall.
‐ Kyle, I'm sorry. ‐ Oh.
Overton, I told you, if you
really wanna make it up to me
call Leslie and tell her
you programmed my phone
from an old address book
and that I am not
seeing Phaedra anymore.
Uh, can't I just
write you a check?
You know how I hate to lie.
Which is why God
excuses you when you do.
Hell, I can't lie with
all y'all starin' at me.
Hey, everybody, look who's here.
Ooh, it's Beavis and Bigmouth.
What'd you come by
for? Some new material?
Look, actually, I
came by to apologize.
I heard you guys were
upset with my act last night.
Oh, how'd you hear that?
Anyway, hey, I'm sorry.
‐ Alright, okay, we're
cool. ‐ I suppose so.
I don't know.
It seems to me that this apology
should come with some benefits
like, um, let's say
some free tickets
on a night when
you're not performing.
That's cold, but I think
it could be arranged.
Then the matter's settled.
And this whole thing
wasn't Regine's fault.
It's just that I‐I like to talk
about things that are real.
But you must admit,
the part about stuffin'
the prom dress was pretty funny.
You know about that?
Uh, Tony, honey, say
bye‐bye. Say, just..
Tony, I don't remember you
talkin' about a prom dress.
Oh, man, yeah, you do.
It's the part about Synclaire
stuffing her bra with
tissue on prom night.
It was a sheer chiffon
dress and it started rainin'
and the tissue started
meltin' and people said she..
Oh, you guys weren't at
the late show, were ya?
I'm out of here.
It‐it wasn't chiffon,
it was taffeta.
A‐and I never even told Regine.
The only person
I ever told was..
Well, I ain't tell Regine.
I told Max.
And it was funny. And
I had to tell somebody.
Dagnabbit, Regine!
I told you in the
strictest confidence.
Unh‐unh. Don't even try
to play me like that, woman.
‐ I can't believe‐‐ ‐ If
you didn't want me know‐‐.
Hey, thank you. I'm Tony Ross.
You guys have been
great. Drive safely.
Well, it's pretty clear
there's no trusting
anybody around here.
Now, see?
Don't you all
feel a little bit bad
that you came down
so hard on poor Regine?
Not at all 'cause you
talk too damn much.
And I think we all just
need to make a little effort
not to gossip.
Wait a minute. Hold up.
Now th‐that's very vague, okay?
What do you mean by gossip?
Whatever comes
out of your mouth.
Well, fine.
Live your little life
in the dark, hear?
Kyle, you'll be glad to know
the mission is accomplished.
So you told her
the story exactly
as we rehearsed it, right?
‐ Exactly. ‐ Alright.
‐ So we tight again?
‐ We tight, man.
‐ Bow‐wow. ‐ So how'd it go?
Oh, she mad as hell.
Well, she said she's
looking for Phaedra
and they're gonna
have a chit‐chat.
What?
Man, she saw through me
like a chiffon prom
dress in the rain.
It was taffeta. Taffeta.
And who told you?
Talk show, turn.
Talk show. Turn.
Talk show. Just turn it off.
You know, instead
of all these talk shows
they should just
have a quiet show.
We can sit and watch people
thinking about something.
See? Now, Synclaire, I
try to be right there for you.
You know, 'cause you're family.
Then you take that fork in the
road and you lose me every time.
What did she..
Y'all, ooh!
Y'all are not gonna
believe what I just heard.
Look, we're not trying to hear
anymore of your gossip, alright?
Come on, I wasn't tryin'
to hear it either, alright?
I was walkin' down the
street mindin' my own business
and well, my ears were just
just assaulted by
this conversation.
Well, ours don't have to be.
‐ 'That's right.' ‐ We
agreed not to do this.
It's about Kyle.
Okay, maybe we should
consider that, you know.
If you start gossipin',
the floodgates will open.
We might not be able
to trust each other again.
Now is it worth that?
Is it worth that?
Khadijah, I wanna hear it.
Fine.
Synclaire?
Um, I'll just stay and
monitor the conversation
to make sure it
doesn't get out of hand.
Okay, alright, y'all.
I'm walkin' home
from the store, right
and guess who is
walkin' right in front of me?
Go, go. We don't have no
time for a guessing game.
‐ Get to the juice.
‐ Okay. Alright.
Those two girls
that Kyle is seeing
uh, uh, Leslie and‐and Phaedra
y'all, they were headed this way
and they were comparing
some very intimate notes.
‐ Do tell. ‐ Ah‐ah.
First of all, Kyle
sprinkles his sheets
with enough baby
powder to choke a horse.
Then wait a minute, y'all.
The brother irons his underwear.
Oh, how sad. How sad.
Wait, here's the main course.
When Kyle reaches his..
Romantic peak..
My brother stutters.
Wait! L‐I‐loudly!
Volume! Volume! Volume!
That ain't, that ain't nothing.
Kyle and those girls are in
the hallway arguin' right now!
Well, ladies, come on,
give me a chance to explain.
Please, your explanations
are as tired as you are.
Powder boy.
Just trying to let them
down easy, you know.
Poor Kyle.
And you were just
gonna settle down.
Kyle, if there's anything
we can do for you..
Um, for Leslie
and Phaedra's sake
I trust you all can keep this
to yourselves, you know?
Maybe we will, maybe
we w‐w‐w‐won't!
Talk show, turn.
Talk show. Turn.
Ooh, "The Laugh Train."
Turn it up.
'It's Christmas time.'
'Thank you.'
'Now give it up for
my man Tony Ross.'
'Alright, y'all. Thank
you. It's good to be here.'
Hey, look, your man is on TV.
Uh‐huh. See, I told y'all
he was goin' someplace.
Mm‐hmm. Let's just
hope he's funny this time.
'What was I talkin'
about? Oh, yeah, dating.'
'I'm dating this
woman now, beautiful.'
He's talkin' about me.
‐ 'And she knows
it.' ‐ Yes, I do.
Yes, yes, I do.
'Yeah, she's so vain,
she probably thinks'
'this joke is about her.'
Hey, he stole my act.
Didn't he? Didn't he?