Little Dog (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Round Nine - full transcript

ENJOY! Do not miss this tomorrow!
Last week on Little Dog,

my brother was hiding out in the
woods from his boxing trainer,

and he ended up poisoning himself
eating a can of rusted meat.

Me and Mom had to depend
on the charity of others.

- Not "Fish guts" Devereaux.
- Stop it, Lowly!

We had to move in with Ginny
who rooted out the truth

about the little fella
Pamela's dragging around.

It's my brother's kid!

Apparently, Tommy's not the responsible
"contraceptionist" I would be,

if the circumstance
ever presented itself.

I guess Pamela's single now
too, but I wouldn't go for her,



not after she had
a kid with Tommy.

Unless he doesn't make
it out the hospital,

then I suppose it's my duty.

Hey, Tommy! Oh, my God.

I was so worried about you.

I heard you tried to kill
yourself with a can of lunch meat

and that you caught
chronic diarrhea.

Your great-uncle Blink
died from that.

Well, technically, it was ruptured
hemorrhoids that killed him,

from all the bile that
was up inside his hole.

What's going on in there?

You know, now they'll
call it a riot,

but it's just a little scuffle, really.
It was...

- nothing I started.
- Listen,



can't you even try to pretend
to stay out of trouble?

Jesus, man, you're
getting out tomorrow.

OK, you cannot keep
living like this.

I'm a father now, and
I'll be goddamned

if I let you drag me down again.

I think you'll make a great dad.

Thank you. So you,

no more running
around with Tucker.

- But Tucker is like family, buddy.
- I'm family!

And I got my own family.
OK? And I mean, like,

how am I supposed
to be a role model

when the only role model I
know is either scamming

or thieving or lazying
around in a jail cell?

Tommy,

I gotta get rid of this toothbrush.
What am I gonna do?

Are... are you fucking joking?

You go around with a shank?!
That is worse, you're getting.

I came down here to try and
talk some sense into you,

maybe get a little bit
of parenting advice.

Look...

there's not much to
parenting really.

Just make sure you stay in the
good books with the mother.

All inmates, return
to your cells.

All of you, back it up!

Tommy? Tommy? I'm sorry, Tommy.

I... I... I promise you,

I'll try to be good, OK?

Oh, geez! No! Not the dogs!

Not the fucking beagles!

Chesley, you're ready? We're gonna
meet Uncle Tommy at the market.

Why is the table up
against the wall?

I think it gives the
room more flow.

Round tables don't go up
against flat walls, OK?

Excuse me.

You wouldn't know how to get to the
strawberry festival, would you?

Oh! Uh, yeah, you just, uh...

Google it.

- Are you wearing my slippers?
- The floors are freezing.

You need a nice new
rug in the hallway.

That's gross. We don't do that.
We don't share slippers.

- That's like sharing underwear.
- Really?

Um, tell me, how does one
share a piece of string

- that barely stretches across your hole?
- No!

Sylvia, no! There is no new wallpaper.
There's no new drugs.

This is not a castle, you
are not the queen. Chesley!

Why would I want to be
queen of this pigsty? Ha!

Tried to do some laundry,
and all you got there is

that eco-green-vinegar
hippy junk.

No wonder poor Chesley is going
around like a dirty streel.

Yeah? I'll tell you
something about Chesley...

She already knows, Mom. I'm
a fatherless bastard child.

No, you're fine, baby, don't
say things like that.

But it's true.

Mom, why don't you consider

what a fine job you did
raising your own kids?

'Cause at least I can keep
a roof over mine. Ha!

I'm just saying, keep your
eye on the 6 o'clock news.

- I'm gonna strangle her.
- Oh, that's cute.

You thought she'd let you be
the boss of your own house?

She should have
moved in with you.

Oh, but wait, you
lost your house,

and you lost her house, and now
you're sleeping on my pantry floor.

Look, I won a bloody fight.

Alright? Rico is
blind in one eye.

He might never fight again.
He's flat busted broke.

And now his son is my son.

Can't anyone let me celebrate?

How do you think it's
gonna work with, uh...

Pamela?

She's dying for it.

I meant with the kid

'cause you're flat
busted broke too.

She's not just gonna
hand him over.

What do you mean?

I mean, we're just
gonna be all together.

Oh! Oh, I get it. You're
gonna move on in with a kid

you don't know and just
pick right up with Pam-Pam,

and then live
happily ever after?

Yeah.

Hey...

Hey...

Think Cassius would
like a sword?

20 bucks.

20 bucks, that's a steal, Ginny,

what kind of kid wouldn't love
someone who brought him a sword?

OK, you know what? Yeah, yeah.
Fine.

Fine. And then when he's done
dismembering his friends at daycare,

- maybe I can throw myself on it.
- Yeah.

Is that Lowly?

And I'm gone. I'm
gone, thank you.

- Hey, Uncle Low.
- Hello there, young feller.

How goes the wars?

See something that might
peak your interest?

- Is this us?
- Oh yeah.

That's some quality
Ross family memorabilia

right there you
hold in your hands.

Precious memories,
oh, how they linger.

$10! Oooh!

- Is this Mom's yearbook?
- I don't know whose it is.

- You think maybe Dad's in here.
- I say most likely.

But you'll pretty
be hard pressed

- to narrow it down.
- How much?

- 4.50.
- Alright. Here, uh...

- OK...
- What the fuck is this?

- This is my stuff! What are you doing?!
- What?!

Geez, I'm only helping you
get rid of a bit of clutter.

Sure you don't even use
half of it, and, you know,

with Ma, she needs some
room for her stuff too.

- No! Oh, my gosh!
- That's on clearance. $5! $5!

What? Yeah, I think it's broken,
it rips through the batteries.

Listen to me, asshole!
You take this shit back

- or I will have you arrested!
- Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah.

Who's gonna take care of Mom
when I'm in jail, incarcerated,

having unprotected sex with
the Protestants no less?

Yeah, you never thought
about that, did ya?

Oh. I thought you
were the sushi guy.

Well, where is he?

- Hey, Cassius!
- He's asleep, it's 10 o'clock, Tommy.

- What's that?
- It's a sword.

- I bought it for Cassius.
- You bought a rusty sword

for a five-year-old boy?
Are you nuts?

Yeah.

- You need some company.
- I'm good. Don't.

Come on! What was
all that talk about

Soldier's Pond, old
times, all that?

A moment of weakness, I guess.

'Cause you're dying for it.

- Tommy...
- Mm-hmm?

What do you expect? Just
to waltz in here and

wield a sword and...

be his dad?

My... what?

Man? My husband?

Can I try?

Mm-hmm?

I can't. I can't.

Go back to scrounging
for the rent and

picking between eating and
paying the heating bill.

Cassius cannot live that.
You are not a provider.

Pamela, I'm back in
the game, alright?

I can get the good fights again.

You have a five-year
gap in your stats.

- You are not bankable.
- I believe I just won

- a pretty high-profile fight.
- Oh, come on. Look,

I've tried to get you signed.
Believe me, I've tried.

- Nobody is interested.
- Sign me with who?

The Smallwood guy.

He's local and he's green,
but he has access to money.

He's not interested in
putting it on you though.

I'll get my stats back up.
I will.

Tell me where to find this Smallwood prick.
I'll talk to him.

OK. Well,

I can give you his
contact info, but

do not expect to get anywhere
calling him a prick.

What about him?

Special needs.

Your mother cared for him at school,
but I doubt she took it that far.

What about... this guy?

Nerd. Your mother hated nerds.

Look, there's Devereaux.

He coached the boxing team.

I suppose he wasn't so
shabby back then, eh?

He was crazy for me.

Wanted to fight your
grandfather and everything.

Gross.

What is in a dad?

This fuddled-up world we
live in keeps insisting

that the family unit
is somehow incomplete

without the presence

of a snoring Neanderthal

scratching his
balls on the couch

in a cloud of beer
farts Sunday morning.

- Are you with me, Gary?
- Sorry, I wasn't listening.

How many kids, you got, Gar?

- Three.
- At least we know he fulfilled

his primary purpose three times
over the years, eh, Dolores?

- The oldest are twins.
- So, where are your kids today, Gary?

Are they still at home?
They moved out?

One's in Toronto, and the other
two are are out West somewhere.

Where exactly?

One's in Kelowna. The
other's in Vancouver.

Oh...

Interesting. Do you know why

they keep Mom in the loop

and not you, Gary?

Is it 'cause they know
it doesn't really matter

if Dad knows where they are?

Never remembered their ages
at the ferry crossing.

Never remembered a birthday.

Maybe he was in jail
for most of 'em.

OK, look, I've never
been to jail!

What... what is this?!

Come on, Doe.

Yep.

See? Dads, they never
stick around, do they?

Nope. They just run away
like little bitches.

Tucker, I know it's you.

I can smell Spam's shitty aftershave.
Just let me go!

- Let me out!
- You listen here, Tommy.

This is just the beginning.

We are going to cut your
recently paroled father

bit by fleshy bit
until you tell us

how you're gonna pay me
back every cent you owe me.

Don't, Tommy! Don't listen.
I don't need this toe!

Shut up, you! Spam!

Hey, OK.

- Alright. What?
- It's OK, Tommy,

I've got an ingrown toenail!
It's horrible!

They'd be doing me a favour!

Are you serious? You want
me to cut his toe off?

Yes! Jesus Christ! What do
you got the big things for?

Oh, make no mistake
about it, Tommy.

Before this night is over,

these floors are gonna be
awash in your father's blood.

There better not be
blood on my floors!

Takes forever to
get the stink out.

Here, I thought y'all
might be a bit peckish.

Aunt, you're the... You're
a doll, Aunt Reena.

Don't I know it.

Ooh, Heavens above!

Is that Lowly Ross?

Well, my God! How are ya?

God, I haven't seen
you in a dog's age!

How are you, Missus? Oh, God,

I was just thinking about Frank
the other day. God rest his soul.

Oh, God, sure it won't be long
now before I joins him myself.

What? What are you
saying that for?

You're the picture of health.

Well, you always were the
charmer, Lowly Ross.

Now, listen here!

My program is on now,
and I want you to stop

all this lallygagging down here.

You hear me?

- Thanks, Aunt Reena!
- Thanks, Aunt Reena!

Haha! Number one!

You have fucked me over for
the last time, Tommy Ross.

I'd love to break
your scrawny neck!

OK, come on, Spam! Have a
go with them snippers!

- Strippers or whatever he got!
- No! No, don't!

Ow! Ow! Come on, man!
Listen, I got a, uh...

- What?!
- I got a deal with this new promoter.

I do! His name is, uh, Smallwood.
He's old money.

Uh, I was just on my way
there when he grabbed me.

- Haha! Yeah.
- Yes! Ow!

Listen, you can
believe me or not,

but this guy Smallwood,
he's rolling in it.

So, a real, live Smallwood, eh?

And he wants to promote you?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

That is an interesting development,
Tommy, no doubt about it.

So Smallwood wants
to promote you?!

In the meantime, you
could do a few jobs,

start paying me back.

No. It's like you're
not hearing me.

I'll get things
sorted out, but...

I'm a father now,

and I can't be doing
anything illegal.

You're gonna do whatever
I tell you to do!

You didn't think I
was counting on your

- boxing skills, did you?
- Ah, yeah.

Now, we got a bit of a
problem in the organisation.

We're down a few foot soldiers.

- And so you...
- I'll do it!

- I'll do it!
- What?

I'll run those jobs.

For you. For Tommy!

I thought you said that you were
going on the straight and narrow.

You're gonna try to win
Sylvia's heart back

and get back the respect
of your youngsters,

- and all that whole nonsense.
- It's too late for me,

I failed as a father,

but Tommy still has a
chance to not fail his kid.

- I'll do it.
- Alright then.

Hand me over one
of them sammies.

- Sandwich, Ross?
- No.

Hey, Tucker, give
us a sandwich, boy.

- No and no.
- I'm half starved.

- Too goddamn bad about you.
- Come on.

Good though.

Sylvia!

Oh, God, it is... it is you!

I don't believe it.
Please, please!

Oh, God, what is
wrong with people?

- I am in no mood!
- I just sat here saying my prayers,

and look, you have appeared
like some kind of angel.

- I do have a proposal to make.
- Oh yeah, right! No!

Alright? Nooo!

And I mean it now. Just like I
meant it the last 10 times.

This is different.

You see this plot of land here?

That's soon gonna be my eternal home.
But before that happens...

Sylvia, I was hoping...

I was hoping that
you, Sylvia Ross,

would do me

my beloved,

that you would do
me the great honour

and the privilege
of considering...

Jesus in the Garden!

You can have it all.
You can have my money.

- You can have the Fish Empire.
- Do you think you can just buy me?

No.

I know, I know, my
personal hygiene, well,

it's highly questionable,
and my wardrobe is, well,

rather dated, and I'm
so silly awkward.

- And you're English.
- Yes, that too.

- 800 years of oppression.
- Yes. Yes, that too,

but I'm a decent man.

And I'm dying, terminal,

and I want to die beside
the only woman...

the only woman that I have ever
truly loved in my whole life!

Please! Please.

Come and live with
me at the castle.

"Castle"? What are you on about?

The Outer Cove Castle.
I bought it.

The castle?

The one where everyone gets their
wedding photographs taken?

Yes.

It's mine. It could
all be yours.

You'd be the queen.

So, exactly how long
have you got left?

Hey.

I'm not, uh...

- I'm not mopping floors.
- Oh, you know,

wax on, wax off.
I'm not judging.

Cassius loved the sword.

Of course he did.

- It's a sword.
- Yeah.

Maybe he'll become a
ninja or something.

For now, it is
going on the wall.

And you...

came here to tell me that?

I wanted to ask you if, uh,

- you wanted to...
- Yeah. Yes, yes.

Just say it.

Ginny is taking Cassius
for a couple of nights

while I'm in Montreal,
and I wondered

if you are around and
you're not too busy,

if you would like to keep
a good eye on him for me.

I'd love that.

- Great.
- Yeah, it'd be wicked.

What's with Montreal?

- You and Rico...
- Oh, God, no. No, no, no.

Rico and I are...

we are finished.

Just tying up loose
ends, you know.

Ohhh yeah,

man sweat.

God!

Don't scrub too hard.

I... I think I can
be a good dad.

Why not?

You're a good man, Tommy Ross.

Certainly you'll be better
at it than your own father.

Come on, cut me down!

Cut me down!

Oh, Reena!

Reena, come over here and
cut me down, would you?

Oh, oh no.

I'm not interfering
in Tucker's work.

If you're still tied up there,

there must be a good
reason for it, Lowly Ross.

- I'll finish up the vacuuming!
- Ha ha! A man with a vacuum,

what next? Please, Reena.

Please.

My back... my back
is killing me,

and... and I gotta
pee really bad.

Please, Reena, I'll do anything.

Please!

Anything you say?

Yeah.

ENJOY! Do not miss
this tomorrow!