Lip Sync Battle (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Jeff Ross vs. Rob Schneider - full transcript
- Hit it!
- (funky music playing)
♪ It takes two to make
a thing go right ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ It takes two to make it outta sight ♪
- ♪ Hit it ♪
♪ I wanna rock right now ♪
♪ I'm Rob Base and I came to get down ♪
♪ I'm not internationally known ♪
♪ But I'm known to rock a microphone ♪
♪ Because I get stupid,
I mean outrageous ♪
♪ Stay away from me
if you're contagious ♪
♪ Ladies love me, girls adore me ♪
♪ I mean even the ones
who never saw me ♪
♪ Like one, two, three, get loose now ♪
- ♪ It takes two ♪
- (crowd cheering)
♪ It takes two,
it takes two, it takes two ♪
(crowd cheering)
Yes! Lip Sync nation!
Tonight, two comedians
take to the LSB battlefield.
And to keep it cool
and ref the funny, it's your host...
LL Cool J!
("Headsprung" by LL Cool J plays)
♪ They call me Big L'y ♪
♪ Big silly ♪
♪ Big money ♪
♪ Big Billy ♪
What up? Hands up!
♪ I be sexing wit these bars
so ya feel me ♪
Hands up! Hands up!
Hands up!
Let me hear you say "Yeah!"
- CROWD: Yeah!
- Say "Hell, yeah!"
- CROWD: Hell, yeah!
- Now scream!
- (crowd screaming)
- ♪ Headsprung ♪
- She's illicit!
- Oh!
She's exquisite.
Ladies and gentlemen, Chrissy Teigen.
(cheers and applause)
- That's a cool outfit, Chrissy.
- CHRISSY: Thanks.
- LL: What's up!
- What's up! Out of breath.
You're out of breath?
They sound good. You
guys sound really good.
- LL: Feelin' the vibe.
- CHRISSY: I'm excited.
(cheers and applause)
Welcome to Lip Sync Battle.
We are back with another night of stars,
beats and a very good time.
- You ready to meet the battlers?
- (cheers and applause)
(dramatic music plays)
He's given us the hilarious classics
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,
Benchwarmers and Grown-Ups.
His new sitcom, Real Rob,
is currently killing it on Netflix.
Give it up for Rob Schneider!
(cheers and applause)
LL: And this guy...
He's the Roastmaster General,
the boss of Roast Battle,
and the star of Jeff
Ross Roasts the Border.
Make some noise for Jeff Ross!
(cheers and applause)
- Welcome to Lip Sync Battle, fellas.
- CHRISSY: Hello, gentlemen.
Thank you. It's good to be here.
- (cheers and applause)
- ROB: Thank you.
This is one of the coolest
places I've ever been to.
- Where are we?
- It's amazing.
- (cheers and applause)
- JEFF: Hi, you guys! What's up?
Warming up the crowd. I haven't
seen you for a long time.
Chrissy, you look great.
I love your dress.
It's a little short.
I can almost see your balls.
- Be careful.
- Oh!
- (laughter)
- Wow!
You got on my (bleep) daughter's
shoes, you little piece of (bleep).
(laughter)
- I asked for that.
- (LL laughing)
Jeff Ross, I've gone to many a roast.
You... you will never...
You're in my house now, bitch.
- You're in my house.
- Whoo!
- Well, on that note!
- CHRISSY: I love you.
Jeff, you're gonna get us started.
Rob, you can have a seat in the VIP.
- (cheers and applause)
- LL: Jeff, come on over.
I promise... I promise I won't
disappoint you in your house.
- I'm ready for this.
- I love you.
I love you, too. Thank you.
Well Jeff, on that note, what song
are you gonna perform tonight?
You wanna tell us?
How you wanna do this?
Um, well, one of my
favorite artists of all time,
I wanted to do one of his
songs, is Bruce Springsteen.
- But...
- (cheers and applause)
But he wouldn't give me the
rights, so I'm doing Tom Petty.
- Whoo!
- ROB: Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Ross!
(cheers and applause)
Sing it with me!
("American Girl" by Tom Petty plays)
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Well, she was an American girl ♪
♪ Raised on promises ♪
♪ She couldn't help
thinkin' that there ♪
♪ Was a little more to life ♪
♪ Somewhere else ♪
♪ After all it was a great big world ♪
♪ With lots of places to run to ♪
♪ Yeah, and if she had to die ♪
♪ Tryin' she ♪
♪ Had one little promise
she was gonna keep ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ Take it easy, baby ♪
- ♪ Make it last all night ♪
- ♪ Make it last all night ♪
♪ She was an American girl ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
(cheers and applause)
- Give it up, give it up, give it up!
- It was cute!
- (cheers and applause)
- LL: Chrissy...
I can't roast you, man, that was cute.
- I liked it. I'm really...
- ROB: Yes. That's cute.
I'm glad Bruce didn't
give you the rights,
'cause you deserved that song.
- ROB: Yeah.
- That was really good.
Yeah, that worked good.
That worked good.
- ROB: No, hey. Let me just...
- It was good. It was like watching my dad.
(laughter)
Be careful, 'cause like your
dad, I'll give you a spanking.
- (laughter)
- (audience booing)
- LL: Well.
- Too soon!
- (laughter)
- Too soon.
- So, Jeff...
- CHRISSY: You're gonna get in trouble.
How do you feel after that one?
You went all out.
You did your thing.
I feel like I need a... an ambulance.
(laughter)
This is like a real work-out.
I gotta give props to all the
entertainers out there in the world.
- (cheers and applause)
- Absolutely, absolutely.
Jeff, have a seat in the VIP.
- Thank you.
- Relax. Rob!
- Rob, come on over!
- (cheers and applause)
LL, if I can... if I can call you LL...
Absolutely call me "LL."
This is going back.
- Oh, you're going back?
- This is going back a little bit.
This is going back to, uh, the day
when they, uh... Nick Jonas.
- (cheers and applause)
- LL: Oh, wow!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Rob Schneider!
(cheers and applause)
("Jealous" by Nick Jonas plays)
(cheers and applause)
♪ I don't like the way
he's looking at you ♪
(laughing)
♪ I'm starting to think
you want him too ♪
(laughing)
♪ Am I crazy? Have I lost ya? ♪
♪ Even though I know you love me ♪
♪ Can't help it ♪
♪ I turn my cheek, music up ♪
♪ And I'm puffing my chest ♪
♪ I'm getting ready to face you ♪
♪ Can call me obsessed ♪
♪ It's not your fault that they hover ♪
♪ I mean no disrespect ♪
♪ It's my right to be hellish ♪
♪ I still get jealous ♪
♪ 'Cause you're too sexy beautiful ♪
♪ And everybody want
to taste, that's why ♪
♪ I still get jealous ♪
♪ 'Cause you're too sexy beautiful ♪
♪ And everybody want
to taste, that's why ♪
♪ I still get jealous ♪
♪ Turn my cheek, music up ♪
- (LL laughing)
- ♪ I meant no disrespect ♪
♪ It's my right to be hellish ♪
♪ I still get jealous ♪
♪ Jealous ♪
(cheers and applause)
(Chrissy laughing)
I love Rob.
- Chrissy!
- CHRISSY: Ultimate classic.
I think you pulled something.
- But that was good!
- Yeah, I think I'm all right.
It's all right. I got two
groins, I'll be good.
- (laughter)
- ROB: I'm good.
Me too, apparently.
- (laughter)
- (applause)
So Jeff... come on, man.
Are you afraid of that performance?
What do you think? What did you feel?
I was impressed, especially since
he did the whole thing wearing the
jacket from your bar mitzvah.
(laughter)
Do you still get jealous?
That was beautiful. Yeah.
The weird thing is, he didn't shave,
and my tongue is killing me.
- That's the weird thing.
- (laughter)
Well, on that note...
(laughter)
Rob, you are free to chill
in the VIP along with Jeff.
Both of you guys go on over to the VIP.
(cheers and applause)
It's just Round One and already
the dust is being kicked up,
and the battle is on!
Things got more than
"Petty" on this stage,
and I cannot wait to see
what happens next.
It's Lip Sync Battle, baby.
♪ I turn my cheek, music up ♪
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
Lip Sync Battle is back,
and Jeff Ross is a lethal roaster
who doesn't suffer fools,
and leaves his victims in his wake.
Can he bring that to LSB
and cook up Rob Schneider?
There's only one way to find out.
I was psyched when Rob said
he wanted to compete against me,
because I'm so much more
talented than him.
Oh my God... oh!
"Jeff Ross...
Fake name. You're going
down, roast pig."
You can talk smack all you want.
I got your number, "Blob" Schneider.
What's for lunch?
- Hi, Jeannie!
- Hi!
- How you doing?
- Nice to meet you!
Part of the fun part is how
seriously the crew takes it.
We need 15 people
to measure your crotch.
- Great!
- I hope that's okay.
You can probably do it with one.
(laughter)
So, when the crew's
looking at every detail:
the wigs, the makeup,
the props, the music.
It makes me want to rise
to the occasion and crush it.
- This work for you?
- Yeah.
I'm not gonna secure it, so you can...
WOMAN: So it doesn't
fall on anybody's head.
The one thing I know how to do is a mic.
- I'll be okay.
- Yeah, sweet. Yeah!
This is my big rock star moment.
I'm not gonna let it go.
I'm gonna be the first
roasting rock star tonight.
Mama said "Knock you out."
(cheers and applause)
♪ Are you gonna take me home tonight? ♪
♪ Oh, down beside that red firelight? ♪
♪ Are you gonna let it all hang out? ♪
♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪
♪ You make the rockin' world go round ♪
("Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen plays)
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I was just a skinny lad ♪
♪ Never knew no good from bad ♪
♪ But I knew life
before I left my nursery, huh! ♪
♪ Left alone with big fat Fanny ♪
♪ She was such a naughty nanny ♪
♪ Hey, big woman ♪
♪ You made a bad boy out of me ♪
♪ I've been singing with my band ♪
♪ Across the water, across the land ♪
♪ I seen every blue-eyed
floozy on the way, hey ♪
♪ But their beauty and their style ♪
♪ Went kind of smooth after a while ♪
♪ Take me to them
lardy ladies every time ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Oh, won't you take me home tonight? ♪
♪ Oh, down beside your red firelight? ♪
♪ Oh, and you give it all you got ♪
♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪
♪ You make the rocking world go round ♪
♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪
♪ You make the rocking world go round ♪
Get on your bikes and ride!
(loud cheering)
- CHRISSY: Wow.
- LL: Yo!
- Fantastic.
- CHRISSY: Look at the little butt!
- Oh, man... Oh!
- LL: Make some noise!
ROB: Wow.
I might be Freddy Mercury,
but you can see my Venus.
(laughter)
I like it. I haven't
seen this much of you,
and I'm not mad at it.
JEFF: Oh, thank you!
How do you feel going
from roaster to rock star?
Like, what does that feel like?
It feels pretty much
the same, LL Cool J.
- (laughter)
- Because I might not play an instrument,
but I am a (bleep) rock star!
(cheers and applause)
ROB: Yes!
So...
So, Rob...
(cheers and applause)
So Rob, which Jeff do you prefer?
The regular roaster or the
Freddy Mercury version?
ROB: I gotta say, that first of all,
you got... you got balls, literally.
I mean, I've gotta tell you.
And if anyone didn't think so,
they're always... it will
stay in their memory tonight.
Stop touching it.
I can't stop!
♪ Balling ♪
♪ We fly ♪
- I can't stop.
(Chrissy screams)
ROB: No. Hey!
No. Amazing.
That is the first time our crowd
has ever, like, backed
away from a freebie.
- (laughter)
- Don't call it a thumbtack!
(laughter)
I love it. Jeff, you can
head over to the VIP, man.
- ROB: Yeah, baby.
- Great job!
Great job!
Jeff proved that fat bottomed girls
and a pornstache
make the world go round.
The battle is getting more intense,
and when we come back,
Rob Schneider gets his
chance to turn the tables.
I don't know what's gonna happen,
but I'm sure it's gonna be fire.
Come on back. It's LSB.
♪ Oh, won't you take me home tonight? ♪
♪ Oh ♪
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
(cheers and applause)
LSB returns, and Rob Schneider
has one last chance
to move the crowd
and get 'em on his side.
Can a grown-up put Jeff
Ross on punishment?
Let's see how he plans to do just that.
I just said, "How many times
you rehearsed this?" He goes...
(imitating Rob)
"I haven't rehearsed it yet."
I go, "Isn't the show
in about two hours?"
So, can we run the first number?
- "Jealous"?
- Sure, yeah.
- Cool.
- Great.
(David Spade talking)
♪ ♪
This is very nerve-racking.
MAN: What's your...
what's your escape plan?
Well, I thought I'd just
feign a heart attack
or I could just say
David Spade's filling in for me,
'cause he's here, ya know?
And as you know, that's pretty good.
Otherwise literally,
the other plan I had was...
I've never been worried about Jeff Ross,
except at the buffet line.
Then I worry about a lot of (bleep).
'Cause he eats.
I'm not roasting you.
This is not a roast.
...the other day you were
selling me out to Hugh Hefner.
- Hold on. Food! Food, food.
- (Rob laughing)
(clapping)
("I Will Survive"
by Gloria Gaynor playing)
♪ At first, I was afraid ♪
♪ I was petrified ♪
♪ Kept thinking I could never
live without you by my side ♪
♪ But then I spent so many nights ♪
♪ Thinking how you did me wrong ♪
♪ And I grew strong ♪
♪ And I learned how to get along ♪
♪ And so you're back ♪
- ♪ From outer space ♪
- (LL Laughing)
♪ I just walked in to find you here ♪
♪ With that sad look upon your face ♪
♪ I should have changed
that stupid lock ♪
♪ I should have made you
leave your key ♪
♪ If I'd have known
for just one second ♪
♪ You'd be back to bother me ♪
♪ Go on, now go ♪
♪ Walk out the door ♪
♪ Just turn around now ♪
♪ 'Cause you're not welcome anymore ♪
♪ Weren't you the one who
tried to hurt me with goodbye ♪
♪ Did you think I'd crumble ♪
♪ Did you think I'd lay down and die ♪
♪ Oh no, not I ♪
- ♪ I will survive ♪
- (LL laughing)
♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪
♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
♪ And I've got all my love to give ♪
♪ And I'll survive ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Go on, now go ♪
♪ Walk out the door ♪
♪ Just turn around now ♪
♪ 'Cause you're not welcome anymore ♪
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
♪ And I've got all my love to give ♪
♪ And I'll survive ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
(loud cheering)
CHRISSY: Yes, girl!
(laughing) Yo!
Rob!
I feel like everybody on stage
was living their best life.
Unlike Jeff...
you didn't see any little
Robbie and friends.
You didn't see that. He has...
a difference.
- So Jeff.
- JEFF: What?
I know you have some...
some thoughts on Rob's outfit.
You look... Rob, you look great.
I love the Courtney Love costume.
(laughter)
That was like the...
the worst thing to ever happen in Hawaii
since Pearl Harbor, I think.
(laughter)
Thank you for the support.
I think that was support,
Jeff, thank you.
I see your boobs. You need
all the support you can get.
(laughter)
- On that note, Rob, you go have a seat in the VIP.
- Yes, all right.
(cheers and applause)
Next to Jeff's ugly ass.
Well, the jokes were flying,
the performances were dope.
This is a battle we won't
soon forget, baby.
One last moment to pack into the night,
and that's the donning
of this blinged-out bad boy.
- It's sexy, right?
- It's very sexy, very sexy.
Will you survive the commercial break?
It's LSB, y'all.
♪ Oh no, not I ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
(cheers and applause)
Welcome back to Lip Sync Battle!
We all got a good ab workout here
as Jeff Ross and Rob Schneider
kept us in stitches.
You guys did a phenomenal job.
Okay, so there can only be one champion.
All right? There can only be one.
- Chris, are you ready?
- CHRISSY: Ready.
(cheers and applause)
All right.
Is the Lip Sync Battle champ Jeff Ross?
(cheers and applause)
Or is the Lip Sync Battle
champ Rob Schneider?
(wild cheers and applause)
And the winner of
Lip Sync Battle tonight is...
Rob Schneider!
(cheers and applause)
LL: Oh my goodness.
Rob! Rob!
So you get to take...
take the belt home.
How's it feel to be the champ?
Well, I just want to say that, um...
I'm sweating a lot everywhere.
(laughter)
It was a lot of fun,
and it was really great.
I had a good time. Thanks for having me.
And Jeff Ross, God bless you, buddy.
- I love you.
- (cheers and applause)
Absolutely.
So...
All right, Jeff.
You did an amazing job
and we enjoyed you.
You know what I'm saying?
We're glad you came here.
- Thank you.
- Did you have fun?
LL Cool J, I just want to say...
I love a great party,
and you guys throw a great
party, so thank you.
Well, thank you for being here, man.
We love you, the roast master.
All right, a big thanks to Rob Schneider
and Jeff Ross for being
an amazing addition
to our Lip Sync crew tonight.
And a big shout out
to Lip Sync nation at home,
in the building,
and all around the world.
One love from me, LL Cool J,
and Chrissy Teigen.
And remember, whatever you do in life,
"Knock 'em out the box, L!
Knock 'em out, L!"
♪ Oh no, not I ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪
♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
♪ And I've got all my love to give ♪
- ♪ And I'll survive ♪
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
LL: Lip Sync Battle, baby.
Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed
- (funky music playing)
♪ It takes two to make
a thing go right ♪
♪ ♪
- ♪ It takes two to make it outta sight ♪
- ♪ Hit it ♪
♪ I wanna rock right now ♪
♪ I'm Rob Base and I came to get down ♪
♪ I'm not internationally known ♪
♪ But I'm known to rock a microphone ♪
♪ Because I get stupid,
I mean outrageous ♪
♪ Stay away from me
if you're contagious ♪
♪ Ladies love me, girls adore me ♪
♪ I mean even the ones
who never saw me ♪
♪ Like one, two, three, get loose now ♪
- ♪ It takes two ♪
- (crowd cheering)
♪ It takes two,
it takes two, it takes two ♪
(crowd cheering)
Yes! Lip Sync nation!
Tonight, two comedians
take to the LSB battlefield.
And to keep it cool
and ref the funny, it's your host...
LL Cool J!
("Headsprung" by LL Cool J plays)
♪ They call me Big L'y ♪
♪ Big silly ♪
♪ Big money ♪
♪ Big Billy ♪
What up? Hands up!
♪ I be sexing wit these bars
so ya feel me ♪
Hands up! Hands up!
Hands up!
Let me hear you say "Yeah!"
- CROWD: Yeah!
- Say "Hell, yeah!"
- CROWD: Hell, yeah!
- Now scream!
- (crowd screaming)
- ♪ Headsprung ♪
- She's illicit!
- Oh!
She's exquisite.
Ladies and gentlemen, Chrissy Teigen.
(cheers and applause)
- That's a cool outfit, Chrissy.
- CHRISSY: Thanks.
- LL: What's up!
- What's up! Out of breath.
You're out of breath?
They sound good. You
guys sound really good.
- LL: Feelin' the vibe.
- CHRISSY: I'm excited.
(cheers and applause)
Welcome to Lip Sync Battle.
We are back with another night of stars,
beats and a very good time.
- You ready to meet the battlers?
- (cheers and applause)
(dramatic music plays)
He's given us the hilarious classics
Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo,
Benchwarmers and Grown-Ups.
His new sitcom, Real Rob,
is currently killing it on Netflix.
Give it up for Rob Schneider!
(cheers and applause)
LL: And this guy...
He's the Roastmaster General,
the boss of Roast Battle,
and the star of Jeff
Ross Roasts the Border.
Make some noise for Jeff Ross!
(cheers and applause)
- Welcome to Lip Sync Battle, fellas.
- CHRISSY: Hello, gentlemen.
Thank you. It's good to be here.
- (cheers and applause)
- ROB: Thank you.
This is one of the coolest
places I've ever been to.
- Where are we?
- It's amazing.
- (cheers and applause)
- JEFF: Hi, you guys! What's up?
Warming up the crowd. I haven't
seen you for a long time.
Chrissy, you look great.
I love your dress.
It's a little short.
I can almost see your balls.
- Be careful.
- Oh!
- (laughter)
- Wow!
You got on my (bleep) daughter's
shoes, you little piece of (bleep).
(laughter)
- I asked for that.
- (LL laughing)
Jeff Ross, I've gone to many a roast.
You... you will never...
You're in my house now, bitch.
- You're in my house.
- Whoo!
- Well, on that note!
- CHRISSY: I love you.
Jeff, you're gonna get us started.
Rob, you can have a seat in the VIP.
- (cheers and applause)
- LL: Jeff, come on over.
I promise... I promise I won't
disappoint you in your house.
- I'm ready for this.
- I love you.
I love you, too. Thank you.
Well Jeff, on that note, what song
are you gonna perform tonight?
You wanna tell us?
How you wanna do this?
Um, well, one of my
favorite artists of all time,
I wanted to do one of his
songs, is Bruce Springsteen.
- But...
- (cheers and applause)
But he wouldn't give me the
rights, so I'm doing Tom Petty.
- Whoo!
- ROB: Yeah!
Ladies and gentlemen, Jeff Ross!
(cheers and applause)
Sing it with me!
("American Girl" by Tom Petty plays)
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
♪ Well, she was an American girl ♪
♪ Raised on promises ♪
♪ She couldn't help
thinkin' that there ♪
♪ Was a little more to life ♪
♪ Somewhere else ♪
♪ After all it was a great big world ♪
♪ With lots of places to run to ♪
♪ Yeah, and if she had to die ♪
♪ Tryin' she ♪
♪ Had one little promise
she was gonna keep ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ All right ♪
♪ Take it easy, baby ♪
- ♪ Make it last all night ♪
- ♪ Make it last all night ♪
♪ She was an American girl ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
(cheers and applause)
- Give it up, give it up, give it up!
- It was cute!
- (cheers and applause)
- LL: Chrissy...
I can't roast you, man, that was cute.
- I liked it. I'm really...
- ROB: Yes. That's cute.
I'm glad Bruce didn't
give you the rights,
'cause you deserved that song.
- ROB: Yeah.
- That was really good.
Yeah, that worked good.
That worked good.
- ROB: No, hey. Let me just...
- It was good. It was like watching my dad.
(laughter)
Be careful, 'cause like your
dad, I'll give you a spanking.
- (laughter)
- (audience booing)
- LL: Well.
- Too soon!
- (laughter)
- Too soon.
- So, Jeff...
- CHRISSY: You're gonna get in trouble.
How do you feel after that one?
You went all out.
You did your thing.
I feel like I need a... an ambulance.
(laughter)
This is like a real work-out.
I gotta give props to all the
entertainers out there in the world.
- (cheers and applause)
- Absolutely, absolutely.
Jeff, have a seat in the VIP.
- Thank you.
- Relax. Rob!
- Rob, come on over!
- (cheers and applause)
LL, if I can... if I can call you LL...
Absolutely call me "LL."
This is going back.
- Oh, you're going back?
- This is going back a little bit.
This is going back to, uh, the day
when they, uh... Nick Jonas.
- (cheers and applause)
- LL: Oh, wow!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Rob Schneider!
(cheers and applause)
("Jealous" by Nick Jonas plays)
(cheers and applause)
♪ I don't like the way
he's looking at you ♪
(laughing)
♪ I'm starting to think
you want him too ♪
(laughing)
♪ Am I crazy? Have I lost ya? ♪
♪ Even though I know you love me ♪
♪ Can't help it ♪
♪ I turn my cheek, music up ♪
♪ And I'm puffing my chest ♪
♪ I'm getting ready to face you ♪
♪ Can call me obsessed ♪
♪ It's not your fault that they hover ♪
♪ I mean no disrespect ♪
♪ It's my right to be hellish ♪
♪ I still get jealous ♪
♪ 'Cause you're too sexy beautiful ♪
♪ And everybody want
to taste, that's why ♪
♪ I still get jealous ♪
♪ 'Cause you're too sexy beautiful ♪
♪ And everybody want
to taste, that's why ♪
♪ I still get jealous ♪
♪ Turn my cheek, music up ♪
- (LL laughing)
- ♪ I meant no disrespect ♪
♪ It's my right to be hellish ♪
♪ I still get jealous ♪
♪ Jealous ♪
(cheers and applause)
(Chrissy laughing)
I love Rob.
- Chrissy!
- CHRISSY: Ultimate classic.
I think you pulled something.
- But that was good!
- Yeah, I think I'm all right.
It's all right. I got two
groins, I'll be good.
- (laughter)
- ROB: I'm good.
Me too, apparently.
- (laughter)
- (applause)
So Jeff... come on, man.
Are you afraid of that performance?
What do you think? What did you feel?
I was impressed, especially since
he did the whole thing wearing the
jacket from your bar mitzvah.
(laughter)
Do you still get jealous?
That was beautiful. Yeah.
The weird thing is, he didn't shave,
and my tongue is killing me.
- That's the weird thing.
- (laughter)
Well, on that note...
(laughter)
Rob, you are free to chill
in the VIP along with Jeff.
Both of you guys go on over to the VIP.
(cheers and applause)
It's just Round One and already
the dust is being kicked up,
and the battle is on!
Things got more than
"Petty" on this stage,
and I cannot wait to see
what happens next.
It's Lip Sync Battle, baby.
♪ I turn my cheek, music up ♪
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
Lip Sync Battle is back,
and Jeff Ross is a lethal roaster
who doesn't suffer fools,
and leaves his victims in his wake.
Can he bring that to LSB
and cook up Rob Schneider?
There's only one way to find out.
I was psyched when Rob said
he wanted to compete against me,
because I'm so much more
talented than him.
Oh my God... oh!
"Jeff Ross...
Fake name. You're going
down, roast pig."
You can talk smack all you want.
I got your number, "Blob" Schneider.
What's for lunch?
- Hi, Jeannie!
- Hi!
- How you doing?
- Nice to meet you!
Part of the fun part is how
seriously the crew takes it.
We need 15 people
to measure your crotch.
- Great!
- I hope that's okay.
You can probably do it with one.
(laughter)
So, when the crew's
looking at every detail:
the wigs, the makeup,
the props, the music.
It makes me want to rise
to the occasion and crush it.
- This work for you?
- Yeah.
I'm not gonna secure it, so you can...
WOMAN: So it doesn't
fall on anybody's head.
The one thing I know how to do is a mic.
- I'll be okay.
- Yeah, sweet. Yeah!
This is my big rock star moment.
I'm not gonna let it go.
I'm gonna be the first
roasting rock star tonight.
Mama said "Knock you out."
(cheers and applause)
♪ Are you gonna take me home tonight? ♪
♪ Oh, down beside that red firelight? ♪
♪ Are you gonna let it all hang out? ♪
♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪
♪ You make the rockin' world go round ♪
("Fat Bottomed Girls" by Queen plays)
♪ Hey ♪
♪ I was just a skinny lad ♪
♪ Never knew no good from bad ♪
♪ But I knew life
before I left my nursery, huh! ♪
♪ Left alone with big fat Fanny ♪
♪ She was such a naughty nanny ♪
♪ Hey, big woman ♪
♪ You made a bad boy out of me ♪
♪ I've been singing with my band ♪
♪ Across the water, across the land ♪
♪ I seen every blue-eyed
floozy on the way, hey ♪
♪ But their beauty and their style ♪
♪ Went kind of smooth after a while ♪
♪ Take me to them
lardy ladies every time ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Oh, won't you take me home tonight? ♪
♪ Oh, down beside your red firelight? ♪
♪ Oh, and you give it all you got ♪
♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪
♪ You make the rocking world go round ♪
♪ Fat bottomed girls ♪
♪ You make the rocking world go round ♪
Get on your bikes and ride!
(loud cheering)
- CHRISSY: Wow.
- LL: Yo!
- Fantastic.
- CHRISSY: Look at the little butt!
- Oh, man... Oh!
- LL: Make some noise!
ROB: Wow.
I might be Freddy Mercury,
but you can see my Venus.
(laughter)
I like it. I haven't
seen this much of you,
and I'm not mad at it.
JEFF: Oh, thank you!
How do you feel going
from roaster to rock star?
Like, what does that feel like?
It feels pretty much
the same, LL Cool J.
- (laughter)
- Because I might not play an instrument,
but I am a (bleep) rock star!
(cheers and applause)
ROB: Yes!
So...
So, Rob...
(cheers and applause)
So Rob, which Jeff do you prefer?
The regular roaster or the
Freddy Mercury version?
ROB: I gotta say, that first of all,
you got... you got balls, literally.
I mean, I've gotta tell you.
And if anyone didn't think so,
they're always... it will
stay in their memory tonight.
Stop touching it.
I can't stop!
♪ Balling ♪
♪ We fly ♪
- I can't stop.
(Chrissy screams)
ROB: No. Hey!
No. Amazing.
That is the first time our crowd
has ever, like, backed
away from a freebie.
- (laughter)
- Don't call it a thumbtack!
(laughter)
I love it. Jeff, you can
head over to the VIP, man.
- ROB: Yeah, baby.
- Great job!
Great job!
Jeff proved that fat bottomed girls
and a pornstache
make the world go round.
The battle is getting more intense,
and when we come back,
Rob Schneider gets his
chance to turn the tables.
I don't know what's gonna happen,
but I'm sure it's gonna be fire.
Come on back. It's LSB.
♪ Oh, won't you take me home tonight? ♪
♪ Oh ♪
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
(cheers and applause)
LSB returns, and Rob Schneider
has one last chance
to move the crowd
and get 'em on his side.
Can a grown-up put Jeff
Ross on punishment?
Let's see how he plans to do just that.
I just said, "How many times
you rehearsed this?" He goes...
(imitating Rob)
"I haven't rehearsed it yet."
I go, "Isn't the show
in about two hours?"
So, can we run the first number?
- "Jealous"?
- Sure, yeah.
- Cool.
- Great.
(David Spade talking)
♪ ♪
This is very nerve-racking.
MAN: What's your...
what's your escape plan?
Well, I thought I'd just
feign a heart attack
or I could just say
David Spade's filling in for me,
'cause he's here, ya know?
And as you know, that's pretty good.
Otherwise literally,
the other plan I had was...
I've never been worried about Jeff Ross,
except at the buffet line.
Then I worry about a lot of (bleep).
'Cause he eats.
I'm not roasting you.
This is not a roast.
...the other day you were
selling me out to Hugh Hefner.
- Hold on. Food! Food, food.
- (Rob laughing)
(clapping)
("I Will Survive"
by Gloria Gaynor playing)
♪ At first, I was afraid ♪
♪ I was petrified ♪
♪ Kept thinking I could never
live without you by my side ♪
♪ But then I spent so many nights ♪
♪ Thinking how you did me wrong ♪
♪ And I grew strong ♪
♪ And I learned how to get along ♪
♪ And so you're back ♪
- ♪ From outer space ♪
- (LL Laughing)
♪ I just walked in to find you here ♪
♪ With that sad look upon your face ♪
♪ I should have changed
that stupid lock ♪
♪ I should have made you
leave your key ♪
♪ If I'd have known
for just one second ♪
♪ You'd be back to bother me ♪
♪ Go on, now go ♪
♪ Walk out the door ♪
♪ Just turn around now ♪
♪ 'Cause you're not welcome anymore ♪
♪ Weren't you the one who
tried to hurt me with goodbye ♪
♪ Did you think I'd crumble ♪
♪ Did you think I'd lay down and die ♪
♪ Oh no, not I ♪
- ♪ I will survive ♪
- (LL laughing)
♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪
♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
♪ And I've got all my love to give ♪
♪ And I'll survive ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ Go on, now go ♪
♪ Walk out the door ♪
♪ Just turn around now ♪
♪ 'Cause you're not welcome anymore ♪
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
♪ And I've got all my love to give ♪
♪ And I'll survive ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
(loud cheering)
CHRISSY: Yes, girl!
(laughing) Yo!
Rob!
I feel like everybody on stage
was living their best life.
Unlike Jeff...
you didn't see any little
Robbie and friends.
You didn't see that. He has...
a difference.
- So Jeff.
- JEFF: What?
I know you have some...
some thoughts on Rob's outfit.
You look... Rob, you look great.
I love the Courtney Love costume.
(laughter)
That was like the...
the worst thing to ever happen in Hawaii
since Pearl Harbor, I think.
(laughter)
Thank you for the support.
I think that was support,
Jeff, thank you.
I see your boobs. You need
all the support you can get.
(laughter)
- On that note, Rob, you go have a seat in the VIP.
- Yes, all right.
(cheers and applause)
Next to Jeff's ugly ass.
Well, the jokes were flying,
the performances were dope.
This is a battle we won't
soon forget, baby.
One last moment to pack into the night,
and that's the donning
of this blinged-out bad boy.
- It's sexy, right?
- It's very sexy, very sexy.
Will you survive the commercial break?
It's LSB, y'all.
♪ Oh no, not I ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
(cheers and applause)
Welcome back to Lip Sync Battle!
We all got a good ab workout here
as Jeff Ross and Rob Schneider
kept us in stitches.
You guys did a phenomenal job.
Okay, so there can only be one champion.
All right? There can only be one.
- Chris, are you ready?
- CHRISSY: Ready.
(cheers and applause)
All right.
Is the Lip Sync Battle champ Jeff Ross?
(cheers and applause)
Or is the Lip Sync Battle
champ Rob Schneider?
(wild cheers and applause)
And the winner of
Lip Sync Battle tonight is...
Rob Schneider!
(cheers and applause)
LL: Oh my goodness.
Rob! Rob!
So you get to take...
take the belt home.
How's it feel to be the champ?
Well, I just want to say that, um...
I'm sweating a lot everywhere.
(laughter)
It was a lot of fun,
and it was really great.
I had a good time. Thanks for having me.
And Jeff Ross, God bless you, buddy.
- I love you.
- (cheers and applause)
Absolutely.
So...
All right, Jeff.
You did an amazing job
and we enjoyed you.
You know what I'm saying?
We're glad you came here.
- Thank you.
- Did you have fun?
LL Cool J, I just want to say...
I love a great party,
and you guys throw a great
party, so thank you.
Well, thank you for being here, man.
We love you, the roast master.
All right, a big thanks to Rob Schneider
and Jeff Ross for being
an amazing addition
to our Lip Sync crew tonight.
And a big shout out
to Lip Sync nation at home,
in the building,
and all around the world.
One love from me, LL Cool J,
and Chrissy Teigen.
And remember, whatever you do in life,
"Knock 'em out the box, L!
Knock 'em out, L!"
♪ Oh no, not I ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ Oh, as long as I know how to love ♪
♪ I know I'll stay alive ♪
♪ I've got all my life to live ♪
♪ And I've got all my love to give ♪
- ♪ And I'll survive ♪
- Hey! Hey! Hey!
♪ I will survive ♪
♪ I will survive ♪
LL: Lip Sync Battle, baby.
Sync & corrections by emeline-whovian
www.addic7ed