Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Letter Promise Adult Seventy - full transcript

*LIFE IN PIECES*
Four Short Stories

Season 04 Episode 10

Story One: The Letter

Wow.

I can't believe you guys got
a reservation at this spot.

Or are we just pretending
to be the next party of four,

regardless of what name
they call?

Oh, yeah, 'cause
I'll do that.

I am starving.

Spencer, party of three.

Yeah, that's us.
Sorry, Greg, you're out.



No, no, no,
we have an actual reservation.

And not only that...

Dinner is on us tonight.

- What? No way.
- Uh, absolutely not. -Yes!

- No, no, no. We insist.
- No. -Yes!

As a thank you for helping Lucas
get into Lark's preschool.

He wouldn't be there without
your letter of recommendation,

- so...
- And he already got reprimanded

for bullying.
And you know what bullies have?

Confidence.
So, thank you.

- It was our pleasure. Really.
- Yeah, really.

It's the least we can do.
And not just because it means

that now you can pick Lark up for us.

Tonight is our treat.
You guys just chill out.



We're gonna go buy a round.

Wow. Look at that.

Hey, babe, good job
writing that letter.

I didn't write that letter.

What do you mean?
You've been acting like you did.

Because I thought you wrote it.

I specifically remember you
saying that you would write it,

because you elbowed me
in the ribs so hard

that I spit my retainer
out

- into the toilet.
- No, no, no, no.

I remember you promising,
because you had just finished

that rap documentary and
you made up some ridiculous rhyme

- about the letter.
- Listen,

just because I spit
a sick freestyle

does not mean I'm actually gonna do it.

Greg, come on. They are paying
for a crazy expensive dinner

because they think we are
the reason that Lucas got in.

So we have to tell them.

I feel awful.

Straight up unlawful.

Hey! We got

the fanciest drink on the menu.

These are chocolate martinis.

The bartender was so impressed.

He said no one's
ever ordered four before.

- - Okay.
Uh, look, guys, there-there's no way

that we can let you
buy dinner tonight.

Well, too bad, bro.

When we were
being interviewed,

we talked about how much
we wanted Lark and Lucas

to-to be as close
as you and I are.

Say what?

And I realized
that I was talking about

the relationship
that I wish we had.

Because I know that
I haven't always been

the best brother, Greg.

But I want that to change,

and I want it to change
starting today.

'Kay.

To a sinfully
sweet evening.

These were $18 each.

Short,

- party of four.
- Oh, right here.

- Follow me.
- Yay.

Oh, my God.

Did you hear that?

Uh-huh. You know
what I didn't hear?

You telling him that
we didn't write that letter.

Oh. But...

Jen, I have never heard him
say anything like that

to me before, all right?

All right? A-And, look,
I'm not gonna mess up

our one chance
at really being close

by telling him
I screwed up.

Their kid got
into the school.

Victimless crime.

Yeah, until the bill comes.

Well, then we'll
just order light.

Oh, good. I'm starving.

So this works out perfectly.

All right, I think I will
just have the broth.

Jen,

tonight's a night
to splurge.

No, no. I really need
to lose some weight.

Who told you that?
You said you were starving.

She's not as hungry as
she thought she was.

Isn't that right, Jen?

Mm-hmm.

If you ever want
to talk, call me.

You know what, I,
uh, I think, uh,

this little plate of olives

- will fill me right up.
- Greg,

dude, you're gonna split the
tomahawk steak for two with me.

But... but that's
a couple's dish.

Well, that's what we are.
We're a couple of brothers.

Come on, you-you got
to split that with me.

'Kay.

Uh, but, Greg, what about

all those filling olives?

I mean, some of them
are even stuffed.

No, no, no,
no, no. My, uh...

my-my brother wants to
share an entrée with me,

and-and we've never
shared anything before.

Yes, but you could share
a veggie burger.

Oh, I don't want
a veggie burger.

Yeah, but Matt doesn't
want a veggie burger.

Jen, do you want
a veggie burger?

Let's just get one,
put it on the table,

see what happens.

Uh, psst, Jen,

this is the veggie burger.

For later,
when Greg's not looking.

Thank you.

Okay,
I'm dying

to know.

What did you write
in the letter?

Who remembers?

Well, can we have a copy?

I...

- don't think that is allowed.
- No.

Oh, come on, man. Just,
like, show us on your phone

or something, you know?
I mean, it's not like

- we're gonna tell anyone.
- No.

- Now?
- Yeah. -Yeah.

Oh.
Yeah, I...

It's not on
my phone. I-I...

- I sent that, uh, e-mail from my laptop.
- Yeah.

Oh. Well, then it should
still be on your phone.

Okay, does anyone else
feel like Colleen

is attacking me right now?

Okay. All right. No, no, no,
Colleen, back off.

Greg's my little brother,
you know?

He's just doing things
the right way.

We'll-we'll just a copy
from the school tomorrow.

Totally.

Um...

we...

did not write the letter.

But-but before
you get upset,

Matt, I-I just want you to think
back very clearly on this night.

We never explicitly stated
that we wrote the letter,

so...

Wow, man.

I can't believe
you let us down.

We shared a bone, Greg.

You're right. You're
absolutely right.

I am... I am sorry, Matthew.

And, uh, why don't you
let us share the bill,

like brothers?

How 'bout you pay
for the whole thing?

Sure. That sounds fair.

Okay, well,
if this is on us,

um, 'scuse me, yeah,

please throw this away.

I'm just gonna...

Story Two: The Pig Short

It took four years,
but I'm finally done.

- Hi.
- Let's go get me a pig.

A pig?
What are you talking about?

You promised I could have one
if I did everything on this list.

"Straight A's,
saved money for pig food,

walked Pop-Pop's dog
to learn responsibility."

Oh.

Hey, hey, hey. "Stop eating pork
out of respect for pigs' lives."

You didn't do that one.

I give you bacon
every Saturday.

And I give it to Dad.

Tim.

We had a good thing
going there, Sophia.

Ah, there's got to be
a loophole here somewhere.

It's not notarized.

Oh. Yes, it is.

What are we gonna do?

Besides tell Jen to stop
notarizing things for the kids.

We can't get her a pig.

Tim, we have to.
We promised her.

We can't teach her that promises
are just meaningless.

We can get her something
she wants even more.

Are you saying that
we should bribe our daughter?

Yes.

Oh, great.
I just wanted to make sure

that we were on the same page.

Hey.

I was just thinking of names
for my pig.

- Ooh.
- What do you like better,

Kevin Bacon

or Kiefer Sutherland?

Obviously,
both are strong.

Yeah, you're right.

I'll just have to meet him
and see what fits.

Mm. Okay, so, first of all,

we are
so proud of you

for accomplishing
everything on that list.

- So, so proud.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm not getting a pig, am I?

Well, we were thinking
that maybe...

there was something you wanted
even more than a pig.

Like what?

- Like a ficus.
- Ho, ho, ho.

Mom, Mom,
how is that better than a pig?

- Hey, how about sea monkeys?
- Ooh!

Monkeys are way
cooler than pigs.

Those are brine shrimp.

Shrimp are way
cooler than pigs.

Listen, there's got
to be something

that you want
other than a pig.

I don't know.

Maybe a cell phone.

Oh, come on.
We talked about that. No.

You're 11. You really expect
us to buy you a cell phone?

No. I expect you
to get me a pig...

like you promised.

Okay, fine,
we'll get you a cell phone,

but... we use parental controls,

and I get to check it
whenever I want to.

And no case.

But what if I drop it?

All right, a decent case,
but not a great one.

I guess that's okay.

Okay, joke is on her,

because I was willing
to go as high as a car.

Hmm!

You guys know she wanted
a phone all along, right?

No, she wanted a pig.

That's why she asked for a pig.
Try to keep up, Sam.

Really? She talks to me about
getting a cell phone every week.

When was the last time
she even mentioned a pig?

Yesterday, and
then there was

that one time before
that she mentioned...

- I don't know. Well, you tell her, Tim.
- Aah!

All right, look.

See this? This is a pig binder.

Picture of a pig.
No cell phone on it.

A happy little fat pig.

And inside, you'll find

more drawings of pigs.

And then in here, blank pages.

"Pig equals cell phone."

That's written...
over and over again.

This is also
"pig equals cell phone,"

a little more
emphatically.

There's lots
of pages of that.

And then, well, that's just
a picture of a cell phone.

- Damn, she got us.
- She played us, Tim.

And honestly, I got to tell you,
babe, she didn't even

have to try that hard.

I'm sorry, guys.

It sucks to have one of
your own kids lie to you.

Uh, anyway,

I'm off to the library
to study with Jenna.

You know, don't wait up.

Oh. Bye, sweetie.
Have fun at the library!

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hold on.

Get back here, Sam.

Here's 30 bucks.
Buy yourself some books.

Well, at least we still
have one kid we can trust.

Right.

Mm. What are we gonna do
about Sophia?

Well, I think we're just gonna
have to give her what she wants.

Oh. Hey, honey.

- Hi.
- Listen, your dad is home,

and he has something that is
going to make you very happy.

Wait. Seriously?
My own cell phone?

Oh, no, no, no. Way better
than that, right, Tim?

Yup! Here he is.

What the heck is that?

Well, this is a promise.
Sophia, meet Kevin.

Oh.

Oh, is there a problem?

Yeah, you wanted
a pig, right?

I did. I do. I-I just wanted
the little teacup pig,

you know,
that small one from the farm.

Oh, no. I know.
No, this is him!

Yeah, he grew up.

He's gonna be 200 pounds
before you know it.

That's how much I weigh.

Did you see the look
on her face?

That was some solid parenting.

- Yeah, that'll teach her to play a player.
- Yeah.

Hang on. What?

Oh, honey, no.
Don't touch a thing.

It's Sophia's pig.
This is all her responsibility.

Boy, I'd hate to be
Sophia tomorrow.

- You're okay.
- I'm good.

Story Three: Ball Grown Up

Tim?

Oh. Yes.

- Can I talk to you?
- Sure.

So...

okay, if Heather were having
a problem with her...

testicles,

would you go to
her dad about it?

Do you mean ovaries?

'Cause then I'd go to her mom.

No. Right, of course.

But, no, what if
they were balls?

Heather's balls?

Yeah, now you're getting it.
So, would you go to John

if Heather's balls
felt a little funky?

Yes?

Good, 'cause Tyler's got
a lump on one of his balls.

My big boy's balls?
Oh, no.

Yeah, I'm worried, but he
won't do anything about it.

All right, I'll talk to him.

Thank you.
It's the left one.

- His left.
- Right.

Hey, bud.

Cool if I hang?

Oh.

Beanbag chair, right?

Nature's lumpy mass.

- Those words don't make sense together.
- Just saying.

I don't care how many lumps
I find in my bean sack.

So Clementine told you?

Yeah. In the weirdest
way possible.

It'll probably just go away,

like when
my black toenail fell off

and there was another one
underneath.

I know you're scared,
and you obviously know nothing

about the human body,

but that's why you're lucky
you got an old man like me,

who's... a doctor, knows
everything about the body.

- Do you need help?
- No. No.

I'm good.

Oh!

Aah. That was bone
on wood.

Look, why don't
you just...

let Doctor Dad take a look
at it and flop it out?

That is never going to happen.

You're uncomfortable,
I see that.

Would it help
if I showed you mine first?

- How about I just go
see a doctor who's not my father?

Attaboy.
You show those balls who's boss.

So, Tyler, big guy,

how's, uh, your... potatoes?

Dad, they are fine.

What are you guys talking about?

Mm. It's definitely
not potatoes.

Tyler has a lump on one
of his testicles.

- -Clem!

What? Why didn't you tell me?

Because it's private.

Now, tell everyone
what the doctor said.

I don't know, he-he-he-
he put it under a microscope

and said that everything
was good.

That's not how that exam goes.

Well, he-he smushed them in that
machine, and he took a picture.

That's a mammogram.

I can't believe you didn't go.

I can't believe
we're talking about this

at the dinner table.

You need to get yourself
to a doctor.

You're not a little kid anymore.
Heather, stop cutting his meat!

I don't want him to choke.

Well, we both need to stop
treating him like a little kid.

He's a grown-up, and he needs
to take care of himself.

Okay, if we stop talking
about this right now,

I will go to the doctor,
like an adult.

Look, guys, I know it feels like
it's really hard right now,

but you're going to
look back on kindergarten

as the best year of your life.

♪ ...quack, quack, here
and a quack, quack there... ♪

Trust me.

Okay, skivvies down.

Now, remember, only your doctor
or your parents

should touch you
in the bathing suit area.

Or my wife.

I don't hear that a lot
in the choo choo room.

Okay.
So...

Uh, Tyler.

You still pursuing
being an astronaut?

Yes.

Good, good.

A little cold.

Well, uh, I don't think you have
anything to worry about,

but you know,
I usually check testicles

when they've been
smashed on the monkey bars

or smashed on the bike bars
or smashed with a baseball.

- You know, smash-related ouchies.
- Uh-huh.

But I think it wouldn't hurt if
you were to see an adult doctor.

Um, since that's what you are.

So you won't be
my doctor anymore?

Good luck, son.
Oh, and don't forget

to stop at the treasure chest
on the way out.

Thank you for everything
everything, Doctor.

Oh, let's hold that hug
until you pull those pants up.

Okay.

All right, it's just a cyst,
it's harmless,

nothing to worry about.

- That's a relief. I'm so glad I did this.
- Actually,

before you get dressed, I want
to rule out one other thing.

Okay, no problem.

Turn around,
put your elbows on the table.

Try not to clench.

Why would I clench?

Great attitude.

Thank you...

Is this a real test?

Story Four:
John Divorce Dilemma

It's happened.

I got horrible news
about my dad.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

And he almost made it to 100.

No, no.
My mom's leaving him.

At the mortuary?

No, he's not dead.

My mom wants a divorce.
She's leaving him.

Well, she's bedridden.
How can she leave anyone?

You know,
I'm from a broken home now.

I'm a latchkey kid.

No, sweetie.
That's only if you're preadolescent.

Aw, hell.
I got to spend Christmas

going to two separate
nursing homes?

I don't know what you're making,
but it better be pureed.

My parents are coming
for dinner tonight.

What are you up to?

Well, my parents, uh,
they need a reminder

of why they fell in love,
so tonight I'm playing Cupid.

Uh, do you remember when
you built that wooden menorah

- for your friend Shlomo?
- Yeah.

Yeah, right. And he stayed
with us for two months

while they rebuilt
his house

- after the fire?
-Yeah. Mm.

That was a better idea
than this.

Oh! Maybe we should
do this one at a time.

Well, they're lovebirds.
They want to be together.

You're hurting me!

Oh!

See? They just get each other.

Take as much time as you need.

Oh, shut up.

Hey, wow.

Mom, Dad, um, I've got an idea.

Tell us how you first met.

We were set up by
her friend Vivian.

She was buxom.

And a communist.

Ha.

- Honey...
- What?

Would you help me
grind the steak, please?

She was a socialist.

I think it's so good

that you're trying to save
your parents' marriage.

But they really don't have
anything in common anymore.

Joanie, what dinner are you at?

You know, that stuff about
Vivian the buxom communist...

It's electric.

We've been sitting there
for over an hour

and they've barely said
a word to each other.

They're agreeing on everything.

Don't you understand, Joanie?
If they get divorced,

it changes everything.

All my memories are lies.

The birthdays, the holidays,
it's... they're all gone.

No, honey.

I remember when
Martin Luther King was shot,

and-and I was devastated,
and they took me to the movies

and they gave me popcorn,
and for two hours,

everything was normal,
everything was okay.

No, we watched that on Mad Men.

Do you have to crap
on all my memories, Joanie?

Oh, wow. And here's us
camping in the Sierras.

Huh? Hey, Dad,
doesn't Mom look beautiful?

She looks like Moe Howard.

Well, a-a sexy Moe Howard, huh?

Uh, and doesn't Dad
look handsome?

He was a bad lover.

It's hard to get tight in
the undies with Moe Howard.

Okay, enough.

I don't understand why you're
acting like you hate each other.

Huh? You've...
You guys have had

a beautiful marriage
for 70 years.

Why throw it away now?

We've always hated each other.

We only stayed together for you.

What?

But you are so healthy,

we realize we're not
gonna outlive you.

The plan was to stay together
until I died?

You were a fighter pilot.

We just assumed.

So you were disappointed
when I came home alive?

Look, I-I just don't understand.

I mean, you guys are
in your 90s, why split up now?

I want to play the field.

I think I might be into guys.

Huh.

So I need to give up the fight
to keep them together.

Yeah. My only regret is you
didn't try and stop me sooner.

Yes. I-I regret that, too.

Mm-hmm. It's a sad day for me,
but I'm gonna tell them

that I'm gonna handle
all the details of the divorce.

Dad, is Mom okay?

No, I think she died.

Oh.

Oh, no.

- Oh, son.
- Hmm?

Could you help me install Grindr
on my smartphone?

Thank you so much.

Bye-bye.

All right, sweetie.
We're all set.

I think it's gonna be
a very nice service.

What?

Oh, they made it, Joanie.

70 loving years of marriage.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

Corrections done by srjanapala

Ah.