Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Four Short Fairy Tales - full transcript

_

Hey, babe. Good workout?

Ooh! I just feel like

no matter how low I drop
it in cardio strip class,

I keep looking in the mirror
expecting to see a new me,

and see the same old me staring back.

Oh, honey, listen, I think
you've been doing so great.

But if you need a little extra
motivation, just do what I do.

Not tie my robe when
FedEx drops off a package?

No! That was an accident.

- Mm.
- I meant



I buy myself a treat

as a reminder of what it
is I'm working towards.

I guess I could buy you something.

No, not me. You.

If you really want to look good,

but yourself something nice.

Heather, you were right!

I bought something,
and it's a game changer.

Oh! Oh.

Well, what do you think?

Well... what do you think?

I love it!

- Oh, yeah.
- I, uh...

I feel like I'm in
defiance of God's will.



Yeah, well, I mean, what else
is there to say, other than...

you look very handsome.

What do you say? You want to
take it for a little test-drive?

Yeah. Uh...

- Uh...
- Just don't touch the top,

'cause that glue still has to set.

- And the sides kind of hurt, so...
- Okay. Okay.

- Ah, well, we'll do it later.
- Okay.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and take off everything.

Well, almost everything.

Okay. Yeah.

- Oh, see? Hairs.
- Okay.

Thank you so much for
responding to my text.

Uh, there's something I
need to talk to you about

concerning your father.

It's his heart again, isn't it?

- Told you.
- No.

It's not his heart. It is his head.

Like a brain tumor?

Told you.

No. Your dad... has
started wearing a toupee.

Told you.

Okay, the-the point is,

is that your dad has struggled,

you know, with feeling
good about himself.

And if adding some hair
makes him feel like a new man,

then our job is to just
support him in that.

So, the same rules as when you
went through your romper phase?

- What?
- You looked stupid.

We-we just didn't know if
you knew you looked stupid.

Mm.

Yeah. Just like that.

Hey, guys! Oh, what do
we think of the new me

on a scale of one to ten?
Don't be afraid to say 11.

It's what we're all thinking.

We're just kids.

Who cares what we think?
Most of us don't even vote.

Ah, the reviews are
in, and they are rave.

The barista at the coffee shop
that always calls me Tom...

She still called me Tom,

but this time, she said it with a smile.

New Tim is a hit!

Yeah, you're looking
pretty sharp, Timmy.

Oh, I know it. If you need any help

fixing your whole
thing, I'm here for you.

Thank-thank you.

Okay, thank you so much
for not saying anything.

I know it's hard.

Of course I'm not gonna
say anything, Heather.

He's obviously struggling.

Oh, man, my allergies are acting up.

Do we have any idea what kind of
hair that thing is made out of?

But you're only allergic to cats.

Oh, no.

Tim, I just want to tell you

that I think your toupee looks great,

no matter what John says.

What did John say?

Oh. Well, now that I know

that you didn't hear, I can't remember.

He didn't like my toupee?

I think he's just jealous because

someone else is getting
hair compliments.

- Hmm.
- And he doesn't like that,

but who cares about John?

I think it looks amazing, no
matter what everyone else says.

Everyone?

He doesn't have a
toupee made out of a cat.

So, none of you like the new me.

Tim, listen, it's...

It's just that we all love the old you.

I love old me, too, but he's gone.

And the new me uses 25% less sunscreen.

Ignore them, Tim.

I think you look so sexy.

What?

Heather,

you're the one who told
me to try something new.

Yeah, because

I thought, you know, maybe
you would buy a new jacket.

At worst, a big gold chain.

I didn't think you would do
something crazy like this.

How is this crazy? I
can wear it in a pool.

Okay, honey, I-I love
you, but you can't just

put on new hair and
completely change who you are.

Ah, you're just saying that

'cause you know me as a bald guy.

Anybody who meets me
now would have no idea.

They might if they met
you during a strong breeze.

The salesman said they
can handle up to 20 knots.

Honey, don't be upset.

Maybe I'll always be
old Tim to you guys,

but tomorrow, I'm gonna get
on a stage and give a speech

in front of a bunch of
doctors who've never met me,

and you mark my words,
they'll only know the new Tim.

And now our featured speaker
for today's symposium,

Dr. Tim Hughes.

All right.

Thank you.

I'm here today to talk to
you about honesty in medicine,

but also in life.

That's right,

because the transparency with
which we present ourselves...

Oh, right.

Okay.

Aah.

_

Jen, you're back!

You were gone so long, we
all forgot you worked here.

You think maybe you should label that,

so I don't accidentally
put it in my coffee?

Oh, well, here's a tip.

Maybe don't drink milk
out of a baby bottle.

Hey, Jen.

- Welcome back.
- Thank you.

How is baby... what's-her-face?

Uh, Talia. Yeah, she's great,

and, uh, she loves her Starbucks
gift card, so thank you.

Oh. Sure. I... I had no
idea I sent her anything.

- Oh, well, that's even better.
- Uh, so I'll see you tonight?

S-Sorry. Tonight?

Yeah, we're all getting
together for drinks

to celebrate the monster year we had.

Eve was supposed to tell you.

Did I not do that?

Paul, do not make her

go celebrate the monster year

she had nothing to do with.

She has a baby to get home to.

Right. Yeah, go be with, um...

What's his name?

I want to say it starts with a "B",

but that could just be for "baby."

Yeah. No, you got it.

- Yes!
- Good memory.

Okay. Which reminds me, this
contract was due yesterday,

so let's get it redlined ASAP.

We're on it.

Hey,

since you decided you didn't want

to go tonight, do you mind?

Oh.

And here's a tip: if you're gonna lie

about having a baby,
maybe don't post photos

of yourself topless on
a fancy lounge chair.

It was a hospital bed.

I'm stuck here while Eve and
Elle get face time with Paul,

which is the only way to make partner.

Sorry. I'm here. It's just that

the phone, uh, fell in between
the cushions of the couch.

Did you hear anything I just said?

I was explaining how
I'm feeling overwhelmed

by trying to be the perfect
mom and the perfect lawyer.

I think you're perfect. I just...

I want to make it home
before bedtime, you know?

I miss the girls. Hey,
has Talia changed a lot

since I've been gone?

I started calling her Tal,

but then I realized that would
mean we named her Tal Short.

Well, that's either
gonna be good or horrible.

Look, honey, I-if going out
tonight is important, go.

All right? I mean, I-I'll keep
the kids up until you come home.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, I'm terrible
at putting 'em to sleep,

so it's perfect.

Shoot. I just spilled
breast milk all over me.

What am I gonna do?
I can't go like this.

Okay, you want to know
what? I'm gonna call someone

to help you, okay? But just
so you're not disappointed

when you see her, it's gonna be Colleen.

I can't believe we're so
aligned on politics and religion.

That was a huge gamble
you took, but it paid off.

Hey! Jen!

You made it.

Why aren't you with your family?

Shouldn't you be making mac and
cheese and some kind of nugget?

Nope. No, I can stay as
long as I want tonight.

Yeah, because I'm devoted to this firm.

Hey, have you talked
about the Anderson case?

- No.
- Well, now we have,

so next round's on the client.

- Am I right?
- I love it!

I can get you a woman.

Whoa, Eve.

Let's just stick with champagne.

Yeah.

Jen, come on in. Champagne?

Uh, would love some.

And I woke up on the
roof of the library,

naked, covered in red paint.

And that is how you get out
of paying overdue book fines.

I knew you were a reader.

Paul, Paul, Paul?

- Mm-hmm.
- We got you a drink.

It's a lemon drop!

I am so lucky I have
so many best friends.

Paul, Paul, Paul.

To your success.

Honey,

where you going with the...

- Hey, everything okay?
- Jen, where are you?

Okay, I-it's...

it's 8:15. Tha-That's like
midnight for these girls.

You there?

Jen? Jen, get over here.

I'm telling everyone about my
unforgettable trip to Santa Fe.

I'm going next week.

Hey.

I'm-I'm so sorry.

I-I actually have to go.

So sorry.

So...

Hi.

Mommy's... home.

Hey, have either of you seen the
contract I finished yesterday?

- No.
- Haven't seen it.

Jen, why'd you run off last night?

Oh, sorry. I-I had to
get home to my girls.

Oh, too bad. You missed hearing
about my watch collection.

I'm gonna start one.

- Oh.
- Eve, Elle,

thanks for redlining this contract.

It was our pleasure, Paul.

Wait, I did that work.

Oh, that's not possible.

She just had a baby,

which means probably her
hormones are making her lie.

- Or bad character.
- Oh.

Okay, guys, hey, look, our
office has an awesome work vibe.

Please don't harsh that.

Wait, look, there's a stain on it.

I made that. That proves I did the work.

Actually, that's from my coffee cup.

Everyone knows I drink
coffee. It's kind of my thing.

See?

Well, that looks too big.

Uh, because that ring
is from my protein shake.

I drink one every morning before
I douse the donuts in salt.

That doesn't fit.

Story of my life.

Here, try this.

It's a perfect fit.

I'll take that.

Oh.

And I'll-I'll just... I'll redo that.

Okay.

Hey, look who made it home tonight!

Yeah, and with good news.

I am back on the partner track.

How did that happen?

It's because I spilled breast milk

on one of my files.

Oh.

Well, that's one way of doing it.

_

Mom, do you want creole or soul
food for your retirement party?

I keep pitching Cajun,

but it doesn't seem to
have inspired the room.

I just don't understand

why we can't just do Caribbean jerk.

Why don't we get one of
those really big subs?

What does that have
to do with retirement?

You're-you're planning
the retirement party?

There's no rush, is there?

What? No rush?

I've been waiting for
this day since I retired.

Mom, think about all
the things you can do.

You can fly off at a moment's notice,

see the world.

Mom, you guys could go to
Spain, and you could eat...

A rat!

Oh, is that what they do?

I-I don't want to do that.

Oh! No, there's a rat.

It just scurried under the sofa.

- Mm!
- Okay, okay. Calm down.

I'll... I will call our
exterminator for you.

Is he the best?

Well...

I'm so sorry, honey,

but I just will not
have the retirement party

until Oscar gets that rat.

And who knows how long that'll take?

Got him.

Yep.

Trap worked.

Killed him dead.

But surely there are more!

It's a herd, right?

Herd of rats?

'Course I heard of rats.

I'm a 'sterminator.

It's my business.

Great! Well, party's back on.

You'll be retired before you know it.

Soon, you'll be as aimless as I am.

- Right.
- No, you're gonna love it.

The hours all blend together.

10:00 and 3:00 are the same,
because they're both day.

And then, suddenly, it's dinner, and...

then you're done.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Are you sure you got them all?

Yep, you's rat-free.

You want to keep it for
your trophy room or...

- No.
- No.

All right. I'm gonna barbecue it.

Got a tailgate tomorrow.

- John!
- Yeah.

Call Oscar! I saw another rat.

- A rat?
- Yeah.

Oh, no.

We're gonna have to
cancel the party again?

I'm so disappointed.

Wh-Where'd it go?

Oh, it's gone now.

Don't even bother to look for it.

And by the noises it was making,

it was calling its friends.

What'd it sound like?

Oh.

Um...

Like, uh...

That sounds like trouble.

These might be plops.

Only one way to tell.

Raisins.

Yep. Ain't no rats here.

It's too bad we postponed the party.

You could always
postpone the postponement.

Do the ponement post-rodent.

He's making a lot of sense.

Am I?

We'll do the party tomorrow,

and-and then it's
official... you're retired.

I-It's just you and me,

until, one day, it's you or me.

No. I'm certain there was a rat.

And if he can't find it, well,
we'll just never have the party.

That's the only thing that makes sense.

Okay. You the boss, Miss Joan.

I'll be here all night.

I ain't gonna quit till he gone.

All night?

Well, you heard him.

He ain't gonna quit till he gone.

Miss Joan.

I heard some rumblin's. I
figured maybe there was a rat

down here doing some cupboard dumpin'.

No. I just couldn't sleep. I'm sorry.

W-Would you like some tea?

I try not to drink on the job.

Got to keep the old tool sharp.

- Ooh. Oh!
- Yeah...

Oh, whoop. That was there.

Yep, that dent was definitely there.

Well, I better go set some,

uh, trackin' powder at
your points of entry.

Looks like cocaine,
works like cocaine, but...

do not attempt to use it as such.

Okay, thank you. I'll remember that

if I snort anything from the floor.

- Mm-hmm.
- You're very dedicated to your work.

I love my occupation.

Do you ever think about retiring?

As long as I got oxygen
left in these lungs,

I'm gonna keep trying to
stick a hot poker into theirs.

We are what we do, Oscar, huh?

And-and we do what we are.

That's beautiful.

Oh.

Well, as I said to my wife,
Tulip, on our weddin' night,

"I'm-a slip into your crawl space."

No, dear, don't. I have a confession.

Ain't no rats, is there?

No.

Yeah, I knew I ain't
smelled no rats, Miss Joan.

I didn't want to have my party,
because the truth is that...

I'm never gonna retire.

Well...

my job here is done, so I can indulge.

Oh! Oh. Oh.

- That was there.
- Yeah.

- Pour me some tea.
- Okay.

People say I got the gift of gab.

- You do?
- Yep.

- Well, gift it to me.
- Well...

My wife, Tulip, says

I'll probably give you
a run for your money.

- No.
- Yep. She says this ain't working right.

No, you don't need any therapy.

You're a happy guy.

Yeah. That's what I tell her.

Then I tell her to shut up.

Oh, no, no, don't do that, honey.

- Yeah.
- No, don't tell her to shut up.

- I say, "I'm happy. Shut up."
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Maybe she's unhappy.

Yeah, she probably unhappy, too.

- Well, maybe you could say...
- So she should shut up about it.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, you're not angry with me?

I had a feeling. Why do you think

I was racing to throw you that party?

Because the airlines
forced you to retire,

and you don't have anything to do.

What do you say we, uh, go upstairs

and celebrate your un-retirement?

A rat!

Well, if you're not in the mood,
I mean, that-that's okay, too.

No, no, John, it's a real rat.

John?

John?

_

We're going to get juice
boxes for our kitchen.

- Hmm.
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Damn it, Joanie,

recycling went out yesterday...
Why is this still here?

Oh! Whoa, whoa!

- Dad!
- What?

That was a playhouse.

Where?

The box.

Oh, my God.

Were the kids inside?

Oh! Our playhouse.

We were gonna live here
when we got married.

I guess it's good it got destroyed,

- 'cause that would have been weird.
- Yep.

Come on, kids. You want
to play with something?

Let me show you my
rusty knife collection.

Man.

Dude, if you're gonna
build 'em a playhouse,

at least build 'em one that lasts.

This thing is so dope.

What are you guys doing?

Making a playhouse. No dads allowed.

Except for us. That's
a really confusing rule.

We need to change that.

Uh, uh, Matt said that I could hold

the wood when he's cutting it.

- Ah.
- Yeah. I'm thinking about it.

What do you think about adding
a slide for-for quick getaways?

Totally.

You're gonna need a quick getaway

when this house of
cards collapses on you.

Well, he's just saying that
because he doesn't love you.

This is gonna be the best fort ever.

Wow!

This is exactly as I envisioned it.

I mean, I would kiss you right now,

but I don't want to be judged.

I don't know, the slide
is a little garbage bag-y

for what I was going for,

but at least it's solid.

Oh, sorry. It had leaves on it.

What the hell, Dad?
That took us two days.

You just blew our house down.

Well, that's because it's
shoddy workmanship, Greg.

It wasn't me. Matt said he
knew what he was doing...

Which he obviously didn't.
I mean, maybe if I could have

- held some of the wood...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You didn't know what
you were doing, either.

Honestly, this is sad.

My dad taught me how to
build, his dad taught him,

and you kids just
weren't brought up right.

Dad, you brought us up.

I don't see it that way.

This is not our fault.

This is Dad's fault.

God, I feel so much better. Don't you?

A little bit, but blaming
Dad's sort of a catchall for me.

Yeah, that's true.

- Dad?
- Mm-mm?

Have a good look.

This is your legacy.

We are your embarrassments.

Oh, no.

Oh, so...

this is what shame feels like?

I'm gonna teach you kids
how to build a playhouse.

You also never taught
us how to tie a tie.

A tie? Is...

Let's do the playhouse first.

Hey, Dad, check it out.

We were able to fit all of these bricks

and 50 pounds of mortar.

You gonna help, Dad?

Well, how the hell
are you two gonna learn

if I do all the work for you?

And I told you to get
five pounds of mortar.

I know.

That's why I got...

45 pounds of backup mortar.

Aw, we can flush the
rest down the toilet.

Good call, Dad.

- Thank you for our playhouse!
- They love the playhouse, Dad.

And if you close all
the windows and doors,

- it doubles as a pizza oven.
- Yeah.

It was so fun building
this with you guys.

Yep. That foundation is as strong

as the bonds of our family.

Your kids' kids'll be playing in that.

Sad I won't be here to see it.

I will have moved to Florida by then.

Excuse me. Water and Power.
I'm here to read your meters.

Oh, yeah. It's right there.

Underneath that brick, uh...

Oh.

Oh, you can go right in.

What?

Hello.