Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - Clean Pens Grandma Guys - full transcript

_

Edna, it is great to see you.

This is crazy, I mean,
you clean my mom's house

and now you're gonna clean this house.

You really took us
on a ride there, Greg.

Yeah, well, I'm excited.

- I mean, she-she watched me grow up.
- Mm-hmm.

Your kids masturbating into socks yet?

Oh.

That-that, that w-wasn't me, that was,

that was Matthew or possibly Heather.



Uh, any other questions,

you know, about, uh, the
house or our expectations?

Nope.

See? She's easygoing,
she is low-maintenance,

she is Edna.

Well, listen, we're so
glad you're available.

Managing two kids and two careers,

this place is always a wreck.

Yeah, and if you can keep
this house as crisp and sharp

as the creases you iron
into my dad's jeans,

- pfft... we'll be in business a long time.
- Great.

What time do you want
me to be here tomorrow?

Nothing's too early.

You just tell us when
to have our robes on.



Or in Greg's case, his sock off.

Edna?

We're home.

Ooh, I can smell the floor polish.

Yeah, I spilled some
on the couch, sorry.

It's wet now, but it'll dry hard.

Well, there goes our movie night.

Oh, I can't stay, anyway, and honestly

I can't stand the smell.

- See you next week.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you think you're doing?

- Come on, bring it on in.
- Oh.

Ah, thank you so much, Edna.

- You're the best.
- All right.

There she goes... first

valid inductee to the
Housekeeper Hall of Fame!

See? I told you. She
may have shown up late,

but she left on time.

God.

Greg, the house looks no different

than it did when we left this morning,

aside from the stain on our couch.

She did say that she hates dirt,

and clearly she's been avoiding it.

Okay, it looks like she made a
batch of cookies and ate them.

Oh, right. She's always
had a sweet tooth.

It's her only vice.

Oh, and she also drank the good Scotch.

It's her other only vice.

She didn't even make the bed.

No, wait. I made the bed before we left.

Greg, she took a nap.

Well, let's see you drink four
fingers of Scotch and stay up.

- Are you defending her?
- No.

You're right, okay?

I mean, she's got a great vibe, but

she apparently has lost her touch.

Hi, Joan.

Listen, I was wondering if I
could talk to you about Edna.

Oh, she's got a great vibe, doesn't she?

She does, yeah, and, you know, we were

really excited about having
a great cleaning lady.

The thing is, at our house, it
turns out, she's just a lady,

and not even that.

I mean, sh-she doesn't even flush.

Oh, well, there are some
quirks you have to work around.

Now, where did I put the duster?

Here it is, right in front of me.

What are you doing?
Doesn't Edna do that?

Oh, brilliantly.

That's how I learned, by watching her,

but she really doesn't reach
above her shoulders anymore.

Oh. Is that, like, a health thing?

No, no, that's an attitude thing.

But she excels at cleaning things

between chest and knees.

- That's the Edna pocket.
- Hmm, yeah.

That would make sense, 'cause our Scotch

was in the Edna pocket.

Oh, well, generally, if you
hide it behind something,

she'll miss it.

Hey, keep it down.
You're gonna wake Edna.

What? She's here now?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's her cleaning day.

But you're the one
doing all the cleaning.

I mean, does she do anything?

- Well, she ironed John's jeans.
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I could wear these to church.

But right now, you know, I'm
just gonna wear 'em to the gym.

Look at the edge on this. You
could cut a steak with them.

Okay, well,

I put both kids to bed.

Great. And I put Edna to bed.

On the air mattress? With her bad back?

What? No. Greg, she's not
sleeping here. I-I fired her.

You fired her? Wh-Why?

Because, you said it
yourself, she's lost her touch.

I mean, she is terrible.

I thought she just wasn't
doing anything here.

Turns out, she's not
doing anything anywhere.

But she's like family.

What if, with all of your imperfections,

I just decided to fire you?

Yeah, that-that-that
came out wrong.

I'm just saying, she's more than
just a cleaning person to us.

Greg, we don't need more
than a cleaning person.

We need a cleaning person.

Jen, how could you fire Edna?

She's family.

- She's despondent. She can't clean.
- Yeah.

She doesn't clean, though.

That is the problem.

This is terrible.

She didn't touch the
dinner I made for her.

- It's that bad?
- Yeah.

What are we gonna do?

I mean, we should
throw her a Scotch party

to get her out of her depression.

Nope. Wrong direction. Not doing that.

What does this woman have over you?

I mean, I know she's got
the sock thing with Greg.

Sock thing?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Oh, she's talking about you using socks

- to explore your body.
- Yeah.

- You-you knew about that?
- No.

Jen, you are a good mother.

You work very hard.

You deserve a clean house.

And I will take care of Edna.

Thank you.

Hi.

Hey, babe.

Place is looking pretty good, huh?

What? This is how you took care of Edna?

Shh, shh, shh, she's asleep.

Is she wearing my sweatpants?

Yeah.

But she ironed 'em first.

_

I was just watching Antiques Roadshow,

and the most exciting thing happened.

Someone found out their old junk

was worth slightly
more than they thought?

No! Well, yes.

But the point is,

guy was showing off one of
those floaty pens, you know?

The ones that I used to bring you

from all those flights I logged.

The only things I ever
remember you bringing us home

from your trips were
exotic strains of the flu.

No, the floaty pens.

The one you-you tipped over,
and the girl's top slid off.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's right, I remember.

It's the gift every girl dreams
of getting from her father.

Well, now they're actually
worth a lot of money.

So, go get yours.

I want to display them.

Oh, I have no idea where mine are.

Yeah, and I gave mine to
Matt, so, good going, Matt.

Dad, why do you think
that we would keep track

of airport gift shop pens?

Oh, I get it. I should've
given you collector's knives

so you could have driven
them right into my heart.

They used to sell collector's
knives in the airport?

Huh.

I told Jen, as long as Edna
gets six hours of sleep at night

and a solid eight during
the day, she'll be fine.

Oh, my kids. I need to talk to you.

Your father is very
upset about those pens,

and guess who gets to bear
the burden of that load.

Thank you very much.

- Mom, seriously?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I mean, why does Dad care so much

about those cheap, trashy
pens that objectified women?

Honey, it was a different time.

A worse time, but still.

Mom, Dad is totally
overreacting to all of this.

He sent us all nasty e-mails
questioning our paternity.

- What?
- I didn't get an e-mail.

You didn't?

No.

You will. Sure he's just, you know,

sending them out individually.

Just got another one.

Those pens were your dad's way
of saying that he missed you

and he loved you.

Because saying that out
loud makes him feel "weird."

- Well, now I feel terrible.
- Yeah.

Yeah. All right, guys, we got
to try and find these things.

- Yeah, all your stuff is in the garage.
- Okay.

Oh!

My books!

I used to love to read.

Do you remember when I was
gonna be a Supreme Court justice?

I don't know what happened.

Oh!

My old bongs! Mm!

Aw, sweet! My 'nocs!

Oh, man!

I used to peep the illest
birds with these bad boys.

Yeah, you told us

you used to use those to watch
Melanie Weber take showers.

I just wanted you guys
to think I was cool.

That's not what it made us think.

So, this is the last box.

That makes four "Heathers,"
six "Gregs," and zero "Matts."

Always nice to take a trip
down memory lane in this family.

Okay, well, two things are clear.

Our parents kept nothing of Matthew's,

and the nudie pens aren't here.

Ooh! I found the pens.

Oh, word? Where?

On eBay, next to some very
sexually explicit candles.

You don't strap on a candle, Heather.

Oh.

The set of pens is 700 bucks?

- That's ridiculous.
- Yeah, no.

Maybe Dad'll just forget about it.

Ooh. I just got an
e-mail from Dad right now.

- What does it say?
- I don't know. It's a photo montage.

- ♪ Daddy's little girl ♪
- Oh! Oh, it's a picture of me as a baby.

♪ Dancing on his feet... ♪

Oh. Hey, he just sent me a montage, too.

Oh, no, no. It's just a picture
of a man holding me as a baby,

but his face is a question mark.

He really did come to my softball game.

Yeah, can you just,
like, pause this, Heather?

Okay, you know what? We
are gonna buy these pens,

because we owe it to Dad.

Oh, hey, did anybody check this box?

What?

"Joan's Party Supplies."

Oh.

Oh.

So, Mom has a set of those candles.

Hmm.

Hey, Dad, great news! We found the pens!

Yeah, it-it turns out we did keep them

because, you know, we love you so much.

Great. Let's see 'em.

- They're getting cleaned right now.
- Yeah.

But they should be here in
three to seven business days.

- Meh.
- Or... even sooner.

Hmm?

You're the seller?

We just bought the pens
back from our own father.

Yep.

You outbid some...
pretty eager perverts.

Where did you find them?

Perverts? They're all over the Internet.

No, Dad, the pens. Where
did you find the pens?

Oh, in Matt's box, in the garage.

You guys did keep some
of my stuff? You...

That's mine.

You guys are great.

Oh, Dad, thank you.

And since you know how much we love you,

maybe you could give us our money back.

Take it up with eBay.

_

Well, John, thank you so
much for watching Lucas.

Oh, no problem.

No, I-I read his fairy
tale book to him ten times.

- Aw.
- I told him he was getting addicted.

Well, that led into this
long talk about addiction.

I never want to fall off a wagon.

- Mm. Oh. Aw.
- Aw.

Aw, you're leaving already?

Can I have a hug?

Lucas, go hug Mom-Mom.

No, don't force him.

Force him? He can't wait.

Please don't make me!

Lucas. L-Lucas?

Oh, he's just shy.

Shy? We didn't run
into one person at lunch

he didn't try to hug.

Okay, thanks for getting it. Bye.

Bye-bye, sweetie.

Aw. Don't feel bad, Joanie.
I'm sure Lucas loves you.

Well, uh, mm, you know, not real sure,

but, uh, he doesn't talk crap about you.

Oh, mercy, mercy, merc...

Oh, kids!

If you should happen to run across a box

that's marked "Joan's Party Supplies,"

for your continued mental stability,

don't open it.

Sure thing, Ma.

Yeah, yeah.

Lucas?

Hi.

Um, w-would you like to
help me make some brownies?

Want to play Go Fish?

Legos?

Finger paints? Coloring book?

Stickers? Trucks? Dress-up!

Would you like to
watch Ernest go to camp?

I have it on VHS.

I know, because it's been
stuck in there for years.

Okay. See you later.

What's going on?

Are you trying to remember how

to get back to the other room?

No. I-I'm trying to lure Lucas
out from under the dining table.

With my candy?

I didn't dress up like Jack Sparrow

at Halloween just to have you waste it.

Honey, Colleen says he's shy,

but I-I think it's something different.

That's fine, but if I find
an Almond Joy on the floor,

I'm gonna go off.

Hi, Lucas.

I'm so happy to see you.

Would you like some
brownies fresh from the oven?

No, I want to go home!

Hey, what's going on?

Um, could I have a word?

Yeah. Come on, Lucas,

let's read that book of yours again.

See if it ends
differently this time, huh?

Not.

Is everything okay?

Lucas is terrified of me.

No, Joan, I told you, he's just shy.

Plenty of kids are shy. I was a shy kid.

I-I don't think it's just shyness.

I feel it's something deeper.

No, that's just my
therapeutic two cents.

Well, you know what I think, Joan?

I think if you stop
trying to impress him

with all your yummy
treats and your fun stuff,

that maybe he would
actually start to like you.

See that? So you're not the only one

who understands brain science.

Oh, my.

Lucas, you're just shy
around Mom-Mom, right?

It's not, like, some
deep-seated psychological issue?

- No.
- Exactly. You know.

Well, I'm sorry that she is so pushy.

I didn't let her be pushy
when we got close to the oven.

What?

She's the witch!

Well, I mean, we all
have our opinions of her.

No. She's the witch
who puts out the candy

and tries to cook Hansel and Gretel.

Look.

Oh, no.

Wow, that looks exactly like her.

I have to send this to Jen.

Hi-ee.

So, I was just talking to Lucas, and...

Oh, my gosh, it's so funny.

You're gonna laugh.

Uh, but it, it was
something deeper, Joan.

You were right. But
it's also super funny.

Oh, I'm glad it's funny.

Oh, I'm relieved. Okay,
I can take that. Tell me.

Okay. All right. Well,
um, you know the book

that Lucas was trying to
get everyone to read him?

No, dear, because he's put me
on a grandma restraining order.

Right. Okay, well,
it's Hansel and Gretel.

And in it, there's a witch

that looks exactly like you.

- Like me?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

Isn't that crazy? It's
literally your twin.

That could be your passport photo.

I don't look anything like that.

He's just shy.

_

Guys' night!

Hey, man. I'm really sorry I'm late.

Has the fight started yet?

Oh... it's about to.

- What? Oh!
- I'm just kidding, man.

- I'd never hurt you.
- Okay.

I probably couldn't.

Where are the rest of the guys?

What are you talking about?

Guy. Guys. Guys' night.

What more do we need?

Aw, man.

Dude, check this out.

I got us a frozen margarita machine,

or, as I like to call 'em, Matt-aritas.

I didn't want to fire this
bad boy up till you got here,

so get ready for some frozen margs

in three, two, one...

four hours.

You know what, I'll just have a beer.

Oh. Yeah, help yourself.
Should be some in the fridge.

I didn't know what kind you
like, so I got all the kinds.

Uh, do you have an IPA?

Is that a kind of beer?

Never mind.

Ah.

What are you doing?

Relaxing. Pop those pants off.

No, I'm okay.

Come on. What's more
fun than a couple guys

chilling in their comfies, huh?

What are you afraid of?

I guess, that you lured
me here to assault me.

Dude.

Take your pants off.

I feel like I should apologize.

You know what, man, it's all good.

Let's just watch the fight.

- Let's do it.
- All right.

- Fight night!
- Yeah.

And round one begins.

The fighters start to circle, and...

Oh!

It's over!

It is over, folks.

He is down, and he is not getting up.

Well, that was... fun.

Yeah, awesome.

There was a couple seconds there

where it could've been
anyone's fight, huh?

Hey, you think if I turn it off now,

they'll still charge
me the hundred bucks?

Well, as much as I'd like to
stick around for round two...

Tim versus the cable company... I, uh...

I think I'm gonna get going.

Ooh! Can't leave yet.

- Food's here.
- The foo...

We've all had tacos, but
I bet you've never been

this close to one being made before.

Well, Colleen's Mexican, so
we make tacos all the time.

Oh...

But... this feels like overkill, Timmy.

No, I did the math. You're
good for 25, 26 tacos.

So, at that point, it's
just cheaper to get the guy.

Are you not gonna have any?

I can't, 'cause of my
heart. Are they good?

Describe it to me in detail.
Start with the tortilla.

Man, it's getting late, you know?

I think I got to head out.

What? Come on, we got to
try those frozen margaritas.

They got to be ready by now!

Whoa.

I'm gonna drink it just like this,

but there's no pressure for you.

Hey, I'm sorry. I feel like
I kind of ruined this night.

Oh, no, man, it was...
it was good. We had fun.

Yeah.

Remember when I drank that margarita?

Yeah. That-that just happened.

Yeah.

Remember I tried to
pull your pants down?

Yeah. That just happened, too.

Ah, it was probably a stupid idea

for me to try to even have a party.

Oh, no, no, no. It was good.

- It was good.
- Yeah?

Yeah. So you'll stay?

'Cause the churro guy's gonna
be here in, like, half an hour.

Uh... I think I'm gonna call it.

Yeah, cool. Cool.

All right.

Hey, um...

So you'll always remember tonight.

Hey, all right.

Hey, baby, it's me.

I'm coming home a little bit early.

Uh, Tim threw this big guys'
night party for the two of us.

I mean, I know that he loves me, but...

I mean, there-there was food

and booze for, like, ten people...

Hey, man. Did you forget something?

Yeah, man, I realized I
couldn't leave without having one

of those margaritas in
its natural frozen state.

Oh, cool! Well, I had to unplug it,

so it's gonna be another four hours.

You invited a bunch of
guys over for a guys' night,

and I'm the only one who showed up, huh?

No, I didn't.

Yeah. What gave me away?

You got three valets outside.

- Damn it, they're still here?
- Yeah.

Hey! I told you guys to go!

Everyone bailed on me to go over
to Dr. Oh's to watch the fight.

Joke's on them, it
only lasted 15 seconds.

Wait, you didn't invite Greg?

No, 'cause then I
figured you wouldn't come.

You want to take a
picture, make him jealous?

Yeah, let's take our pants off.

- No, I don't think so.
- All right.

I'll take mine off and you kiss me.