Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 20 - Prank Assistant Gum Puppy - full transcript

_

(laughing): No, it's...

what are you...

this is nice, isn't it?

You know, walking home from dinner?

We should do this more often.

Yeah.

Or we could just drink less.

Then we can drive home.

True. Hey, look at this.

Tyler's school.



- Oh...
- It's a nice place to just

sit and do nothing, huh?

- God knows that's all Tyler
- Yeah.

- ever does, come on!
- (laughing)

Hey, I'm, uh,

I'm pretty funny when I'm buzzed.

You are.

(sighs) And tired.

We've only walked two blocks.

Well...

(laughs) You know, when
I was in high school,

we used to rearrange the letters
on these signs all the time.

It was a classic prank.

Oh, we did that, too!



BOTH: Yeah.

Yeah!

(door closes)

HEATHER: Hey!

Hey.

Hey, buddy. How was school today?

Anything, uh, classic happen?

No.

But someone messed with our marquee.

- Oh...
- They changed "Freshman Elections"

to "Fleshman Erections."

(both laughing)

What's so funny?

The school canceled our senior trip.

Wait, wait, wait... what?

Yeah, they have

a zero tolerance policy on vandalism.

The cops are looking into it.

Ooh.

For switching around a couple letters?

What...? What are they arresting

people for doing crossword
puzzles over there now... what?

Because of the nature of the message,

they're actually
considering it a sex crime.

- Ooh!
- Ah! Wow!

Wow, that is...

I mean, that, that is

right out of left field.

Yeah, well, until someone confesses,

the senior trip is off.

And Clementine was saying
there was a chance we'd s...

ski together.

I thought you were going to Hoover Dam.

Do you think they've
skied together before?

I don't know.

I bet she's a great skier, though.

Oh, God, please don't say that.

WOMAN: You're Tyler's
parents, right?

How can I help you?

Uh... well, we wanted

to come down here and talk to you

about the vandalized sign.

Ah, yes, we've received many complaints.

And some compliments, too, right?

I mean, you have to admit
it was pretty classic.

- I found it vulgar.
- And vulgar.

And due to its sophomoric nature,

we're certain it's a junior or senior.

Okay, well, uh,

actually it-it was us.

We did it and we are

really sorry.

We thought we should
come down here and confess

so that the senior trip
can go ahead as planned.

You're saying that you
rearranged the sign?

We were a little tipsy
coming home from dinner, so...

No, he was tipsy. I only had four.

I see.

Well, thank you for bringing
this to my attention.

I mean, we also, we
just thought we wanted

to come down and model good behavior.

- Right.
- I mean, to-today!

We weren't before, but we...

Okay, well, I have other
things to get to, so...

Right. Yeah.

Thank you for having us.

(door closes)

They think I did it.

- What?
- Yeah.

Everyone can go on the
senior trip now, but me.

Principal Bundy said

that you two came in to confess,

which means that I did it,

because no adult would
do something so stupid.

- It wasn't stupid.
- Hey.

- It was classic.
- Thank you.

Oh, my God.

You did do it.

What were you guys thinking?

I don't know.

(mumbles): "I don't know."

That-that's really your answer?

Are-are-are you mad at us?

I'm not mad.

I'm just disappointed.

- Oh.
- Hmm.

- Tyler?
- Mm-mm.

Hey, come on!

Hey, hey, hey! You know what?

We will go in there tomorrow
and we will fix this whole thing.

For once, I'd like to come home,

have a nice dinner with my family,

do some homework and then go to sleep

without all this drama.

Okay?

- He's totally disappointed in you.
- No, I told you... you did it!

You're the one he's disappointed in.

No, I told you that
maybe we should go back...

If you had just...

and told her, and told
her her sweater looked nice,

we could've left this
whole thing behind.

Oh...

(indistinct chatter)

No, honey, look.

This photo of your dad mooning the sign?

That proves that you're innocent.

GIRL: There he is.

Tyler, heard you're the
one who did the sign!

No, no, I...

That was hilarious.

Thank you, finally.

Are you here to make
more excuses for your son?

(kids clamoring in admiration)

No.

No, no, no, no.

No, uh, we-we are here

to let him know once and for all

that we are very disappointed

in this inappropriate prank.

Yeah.

Even though it was a classic.

Mm-hmm, that's right.

(school bell rings)

Who knew it was such a big deal?

I mean, when we were in high school,

pranks were just harmless fun.

People are so sensitive now.

I guess we'll just have to adapt.

Aw, man, it's like they're begging us.

No, no, no, no, no!
We-we got to walk away.

We got to, we...

- I don't know that I can!
- Yeah, you can, you can.

Walk away, walk away.

_

_

- (knocking)
- Come in.

- Hi.
- Hi, Jake.

Sorry to interrupt.

Oh, what is that?

That is dinner for your family.

What?

I didn't want to let any

of my cooking lessons go to waste.

There's a blowtorch inside,

so you can really scorch the duck.

But tableside.

Well, you know I like a scorched duck.

Now, please, go home
to that baby already.

Oh, her name's Lark.

I know. I'm actually writing

a lullaby for her birthday.

Have a nice evening.

I like what you're throwing down.

All right, bye-bye.

(hammer banging)

JEN: Hi, honey!

You're home early.

And with dinner.

Hi, beautiful.

I got so much work done today,

my to-do list is now a to-done list.

Ah!

Well, that's impressive.

Well, I had help.

Oh, yeah, uh, is it chapped-lips Amber?

I thought she was a horrible assistant.

Oh, no, Amber, no.

Yeah, she went to rehab for something.

Sex or meth or elaborate nail art.

Anyway, she and her whore nails are out.

And things are running real smooth.

- Ah, great.
- Yeah.

So, who's the new girl?

Hmm? Oh, just, um...

(stammers) I want to
know about your day.

Oh, well. (scoffs)

Uh, it's always the same
at a crowd funding Web site.

You know, just making
stupid dreams come true.

Uh, today, someone got 50 grand

to fund a hammer that says, "Nailed it"

- (laughs)
- Yeah, so I invested in it.

(doorbell rings)

Who is that?

I don't know.

(clears his throat)

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh, Jake.

Sorry to bother you, Jen,

But you left the Dufresne
brief in the office.

Um... okay, I'll take that.

JAKE: No, it's heavy. I'll just put it

right here on the table.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Um, hey, you know,

you didn't, you didn't have

to run that all the way over here.

It's just a little warm-up

before my work out. It's no big deal.

- Oh.
- Hi!

You must be Mr. Short.

Oh, oh, have you never met?

Uh, no, no, no, we haven't.

Jake, your wife's secretary.

Gregory.

Greg for short.

Uh...

my wife's husband.

Well, we've had a lot of
laughs here tonight together,

and I think, uh, let's just call it.

So... okay.

(clattering)

It's... dumb hammer!

(chuckles weakly)

Hey, so, uh, Jake seems, uh, terrific.

Really?

- You're fine with him being my assistant?
- Uh-huh.

Gosh, I thought for sure
as soon as you saw him,

that pull-up bar

would be back in the door jamb.

(clattering) No. No. Not at all.

What was that? Did something just fall?

Huh? What?

Um...

(sniffs)

You smell like cookies.

Jakey!

My man! What's happening?

JAKE: Mr. Short! Hi, how are you?

- GREG: Found it.
- JAKE: Yep.

Oh, no.

Nice jacket.

Oh, this old thing? (scoffs)

I've had it for ages.

It's one of Jen's favorites.

Oh, you've, uh... you've
still got the tag on it.

JEN: Uh...

- Hi.
- Oh...

Hi, honey. There's my queen.

- Come here, give me some sugar.
- What? Oh...

(clears throat)

Wow, that-that-that was a week's worth.

- Mm-hmm.
- So thanks.

What exactly are you doing here?

Well, I just happen
to have a sixth sense

when it comes to what my woman needs,

and I saw this and I thought
I'd just run it on over.

No big "D."

This is my Filofax from 2003.

Anytime you see a red
heart in the calendar,

- it means that we banged. Okay?
- Oh, my God.

(phone ringing)

Excuse me.

Jen Short's office.

(chair squeaks loudly)

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jakey boy, what was that I heard?

A squeak? Yeah, your chair's
a squeaker, all right?

Nine out of ten times,

it's because of the hydraulics.

So let me take a look under the hood.

Come on. Let me see.

Just...

Throw your back out again?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Come here, baby.

All right.

It's okay.

Just give him a minute.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Did you thank Jake for
carrying me in here?

Yeah. He just ran to his car
to grab his massage table.

He's also a certified
physical therapist.

I'm just gonna assume
that he is everything

until you tell me otherwise.

Look, honey, you don't have
to be threatened by him.

Okay? You're my husband, and I love you.

But if-if this really upsets you,

I will fire a perfectly
innocent, hard-working guy

who helps your wife be
at the top of her game.

Is that, is that what you want?

Well...

if you put it like that...

yeah, that's exactly what I want.

Okay, well, legally I can't fire him,

but I do appreciate you
finally being honest with me.

(door opens)

Okay, Mr. Short.

I am not taking no for an answer.

It was my fault

for letting that chair get so squeaky.

I should've fixed it
when I built that desk.

Wow. He really is good.

Isn't he?

I wish I could find

an assistant like you.

Actually, my sister

just graduated from Oxford University

and she would love to work for you.

If the Miss Universe
circuit taught her anything,

it was the value of hard work.

She sounds good!

Yeah, okay, you're fired.

Oh, it's really in there.

Just... uh, stay calm.

- I am calm.
- I'm talking to myself.

_

- HEATHER: Hi, Mom.
- JOAN: Hi, honey.

Hey, you guys, look.
Mom-Mom's making dinner,

so you eat whatever it
is that she makes you.

Keep an eye on this one, because
she has become very creative

about not eating her vegetables.

Oh, I remember all your old tricks.

You used to stuff
your bra with broccoli.

HEATHER: And this one over here

just got her period,

- so she's not a lot of fun right now.
- Mom!

What? She gets it.

Well, she used to. She remembers.

It's okay, sweetie,
we'll still have some fun.

Listen to Mom-Mom.

- Have fun, dear.
- Bye, Mom.

(whispering): Shh,
we gotta play it cool.

(door closes)

We're not safe until that
car leaves the driveway.

(giggling)

It's always so fun over here.

I wish we lived closer.

We live across the
street, you stupid imp.

I know you're still in
there, my sweet Samantha.

Come back to me.

Let's focus on... bubbles.

One...

two...

hmm.

Oh.

(laughter)

Can I have another piece,
Mom-Mom? I lost mine.

Oh. I think I found it.

Oh, no! Oh, oh...

Oh, don't move, honey.

It'll just go in worse.

Okay.

Oh, it's really in there.

Just... stay calm.

I am calm.

No, I'm talking to myself, honey.

It... just... your mom
is going to be so furious.

She has no idea what we do over here.

Can I have another piece of gum?

No, no, no more gum.

But it helps me when I'm stressed.

Oh, of course you can, honey.

Just let me get this piece out
and then you get another piece.

Okay.

Boop.

This might be a stupid question,

but can we chew the gum out?

No, honey, I-I think we're gonna

try the peanut butter next.

I ate it all.

Damn it!

Oh, I'm so sorry, honey.

I-I wasn't, I wasn't cursing at you,

I was, uh, cursing w-with you.

I can curse?

No.

Well, maybe a couple.

Hey, Mom-Mom, I got
the Vaseline you wanted.

JOAN: Thanks, honey.

Oh. This has the look of Mom blowing up.

I'm out.

Me, too. Good luck, people.

Hey. Hey, guys...

who-who bought you
thong panties last week

when your mom wouldn't?

And, Tyler,

who's got your back
when you tell your mom

you're sleeping over here and you don't?

You know,

horses of a feather,

they don't abandon the ship.

Oh!

Problem solved.

JOAN: Oh, no...

You're welcome.

HEATHER: Look at
all this junk food.

Mom! Where did this come from?

I mean, when we were
kids, the most sugary thing

you would let us have was cough syrup.

Things change, honey.

It's the natural flow of life.

Stop talking about my period!

I just, I don't understand it.

You were always so strict.

Yeah, I was too strict,

and it was a constant,
exhausting battle.

And I had to sit there and listen to you

tell me how much more
fun it was over at GiGi's.

Yeah, because GiGi would let me eat

an entire tube of cookie dough.

Don't look at me.

Oh...

Honey, I was always saying no.

- Now it's my time to say yes.
- Okay, I just...

I don't know how comfortable
I am having the kids over here

if I know you don't respect my rules.

But, Mom...

you let Pop-Pop smoke
cigars in our backyard

even though he's not supposed to.

Shh!

- Ooh, boy.
- You do what?

It's not my job to tell him no.

John.

Well, Tyler's smoking a lot
more than cigars out in my shed.

- Why don't you ride his ass?
- Pop-Pop?

I just came in here
for some cookie dough.

- Damn it, Samantha.
- Damn it to you.

Oh, now, now, we're all very frustrated,

but at least there's no
more secrets between us.

TIM: Hey, John!

The neighbors are shooting
porn in their yard again.

Uh...

I found your binoculars.

(clears throat) Yeah.

Tank is not ridiculous.

(Tank yips)

She is the mayor of Doggie Pack City.

_

It's great to see you.

Been missing you around the house.

Oh. You specifically or other people?

I don't know, I'm just being nice.

Well, I think Princess
really misses Matt.

JOHN: What does it mean when
they sniff around like that?

Sometimes when a dog's
head goes one way,

it's butt goes the other.
Doesn't mean anything.

Wow, you know so much about dogs.

- Lots. (chuckles)
- Cool.

You know, we should do this again.

It's nice to catch up.

About dogs and parks and... Matt.

Sure.

But maybe don't mention
that we're hanging out,

in case he's feeling
raw about the breakup.

Like, sneaking around?

That sounds fun.

Uh, what do you call an affair

when there's no sex
with the other person?

A friendship.

(chuckles)

(door closes)

Hey, Dad. Where you been?

Uh, at the store,

because we're out of cheese.

I mean, bread. Did I say cheese?

I don't know why I would say cheese.

Uh, I was at the post office.

Uh, did you get stamps?

Why would I get stamps

at the dog park?

Hm?

Oh, damn it. Uh, geez.

I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

I had to find out, uh... what?

I just told you, I was with Colleen.

No, you didn't just tell me that.

Oh, well, then forget I said anything.

- Whoa, whoa!
- Hmm?

You were with Colleen?

Yeah, she's helping me with Tank?

Okay.

- Uh, you're not mad at me?
- No, of course not.

You're an adult with a ridiculous dog,

she's an adult with a ridiculous dog,

I just don't need to hear about it.

Tank is not ridiculous.

(Tank yips)

She is the mayor of Doggie Pack City.

JOHN: Eh?

(chuckling): Wow.

Look at Tank and Princess.

You had professional portraits made.

Yeah, imagine the wedding night, huh?

- (chuckles)
- Yeah.

No, thanks.

You owe me 23 bucks, but
you can pay me anytime.

(chiming)

(grunts)

Ugh.

John. Hi.

- Hey.
- Hi.

It's really late. Is everything okay?

Yeah, I know. No, I know it's late,

but there's someone here that can't wait

till morning to talk to you.

Oh.

(cartoonish): Hi, I got a new collar.

Do you like it?

It's really cute.

I'm going to bed.

Oh, what's this?

I entered Princess and
Tank in a big dog show.

First prize is a Geo Storm,

so we should drive there together

in case one of us wins.

John, I don't think I can do this.

No, no, I-I know Princess is a mutt,

but I lied to them about
the pedigree, so it's fine.

No. No, I've been meaning
to talk to you about this.

- I love the time that we spend together.
- Mmm.

- But it's too much.
- Hmm?

And it's too complicated.

I think we should
start seeing other dogs.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Here, Tank.

- Here.
- (Tank yips)

John.

I'm sorry.

By the way, this whole time,

Tank has been sharing the
water bowl at Boston Market

with a really good-looking pug.

(video game guns firing)

I think Tank misses Princess.

Dad, we agreed that we are
not gonna discuss Colleen.

No, this is not about Colleen.

I was just thinking that maybe you had

some visitation rights with Princess

that you could take advantage of.

Damn it, Dad, I'm trying
really hard to move on from her.

Don't do it for me, son.

Do it for your little sister here.

(cartoonish): Help me.

Don't punish me for
things our father did.

Okay, first of all, don't refer
to her as my little sister.

And second of all, don't use that voice.

Do it or get out of my house, eh?

You already used that this morning

when you told me to kill the spider.

There's no limit to how
many times I can use it.

- (door closes)
- Oh, God.

Good job. Get the ball. Good going.

So excited, so excited, I know.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

BOTH: How are...

How are you? (both laugh)

Good. How are you?

I'm good.

Um, I hear my dad got a little needy.

You heard right.

Don't know how you
didn't see that coming.

(both laugh)

Um...

I should call up Greg,
get him down here.

You can break up with
all the men in my family.

- Well...
- Oh!

Okay. Come on. Jokes.

(chuckles)

You look good.

You, too.

- Change your hair?
- No.

- You lost weight?
- No.

Did something with your eyebrows?

Sure.

- Knew it.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Very perceptive.

Thank you.

I-I know that Tank needs a friend,

and so, um, since my
dad is too much for you,

maybe I could... bring her by.

Once in a while.

I'd like that.

All right.

Okay.

All right, you want to say good-bye?

- Bye, Tank.
- Bye, say good-bye.

- See you soon. See you very soon.
- Good-bye. Bye.

- "Very soon."
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Very soon sounds good. Okay.
- Okay.

All right.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hi.

How's Princess?

He's-he's good.

- And how are you?
- I'm okay.

It's nice how fate...

- brought you two together.
- Yeah.

Now let's get out of here
and go get a cheeseburger.

Fate is getting hungry.

(engine starting)