Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 19 - Pestilence War Famine Death - full transcript

_

JEN: I'm telling you,

there's a rat in the attic.

I can hear it.

It-It's like it's on
our old StairMaster.

No, honey, we don't have rats, okay?

Oscar?

Anything up there?

Rats.

Ooh, I told you we have rats!

OSCAR: No...



No, I meant, rats,

I think I missed a very
important phone call.

Yeah.

So what, uh,

what is the, the sound up there?

Oh, it's probably rats.

- Rats.
- But don't worry...

If you got 'em, I'll get 'em.

Adults and babies alike, though...

I mean, they... they's just babies.

Just babies.

They ain't done nothing wrong yet.

(sobs) I'm sorry.

That's... yeah, you take...
you take your time.



I'm gonna compose myself in your toilet.

- No, no, that's the baby's room.
- Nope, wrong door.

- (Lark crying)
- I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Baby's up.

That's okay.

OSCAR: All right.

Well, I put some traps
all around the perimeter.

Thanks, Oscar.

I found this.

Oh, thank you very much.

I assumed it was yours.

The reason why I have this...

and Jen doesn't know
about it, but, uh...

I, uh, dated the girl

who posed in this issue.

(inhales)

Lordy be.

She's not gonna take a bath

in that little wood bucket, is she?

She gonna try.

She wrote me a little note.

Oh, yeah.

"To Greg,

"thanks for dinner.

And 'dessert.'"

Hoo, I know what that means.

(chuckles)

Why don't you put
this up on your mantel?

Yeah, no, I don't think
Jen would appreciate that.

- And she doesn't know I have this.
- Mm-hmm.

- If you know what I mean.
- Yep.

I understand.

Can't imagine what you two could be

talking about.

Oh, uh, well,

we were just, uh, talking about, um...

Dessert.

Dessert?

And dinner.

You guys, uh, you
making some dinner plans?

- (laughs)
- Oh, that's kind of you,

but my wife works most evenings.

- So we can't make it tonight.
- Oh.

Oh... rats.

Yeah. (phone buzzing)

Mmm.

I gotta go.

I got a customer with
a possum in his chimney.

It's not gonna kill itself.

No.

Although, it will try and fake it.

Fool me once...

Shame on you.

I guess so, yeah.

(Jen yawns)

- Oh...
- Thank you, honey.

Uh-huh.

(doorbell rings)

Who could that be?

(exhales)

Oscar?

I hope we's not too late for dinner.

This here's my wife, Tulip.

(whooping)

Oh, I thought... uh, what a surprise.

I thought... I thought
you said that, um,

she had to work tonight.

Oh, yeah, they sent me home.

I have really bad pole rash.

It's very common

with dancers and firemen.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- We brought you a bottle of rose.

Wow, that's so, uh... so kind.

And... why don't you,
uh, why don't you come in?

And I was just

in the middle of

covering all of our
furniture with towels.

OSCAR: Mmm.

TULIP: Oh, with towels.

TULIP: So, Jen,

Oscar tells me that you
were in Playboy.

(coughs, chokes)

What's that?

Uh, no.

No, I was never in,
uh, in Playboy.

Uh, Tulip, my sweet
flower, I wasn't saying

that his wife was in Playboy,

I was saying his girlie friend
from college was in Playboy,

and he didn't want her to know about it.

- Uh-oh.
- Oh...

Well...

honey, I, uh, I never told you this

because I didn't want
things to get weird,

but since that's

impossible now, uh...

when I was in college,

I slept with a woman who
was in Playboy.

Okay.

Like, you fell... you fell
asleep hugging the magazine?

(laughs)

No, honey, we did it.

Like, you know, "it."

Oh... okay.

Well... good job, Greg.

Yeah. That's awesome.

All right, hey, listen,

is anyone gonna eat this last Eggo?

Oh, I was actually eyeing it.

Wait a minute.

You don't believe me, do you?

What... no... sure, no, sure I do.

Yes, of course.

Why wouldn't I believe you

that you slept with a...

(laughing)

with a Playboy Bunny?

- She gave me the magazine!
- Okay.

Sweetie, she signed it for me.

And Oscar saw it. Didn't you, Oscar?

I didn't see no Playboy.

'Kay?

What are you talking...
you gave it to...

You found it and you gave it to me.

I wasn't looking at no Playboys,

certainly not while I was working.

Okay, you know what? That's it.

I'm gonna show you.

All right? And, for the record,

I did not want this to happen. Okay?

I've been trying to avoid this,

so, honey...

Mmm?

Prepare yourself.

Yeah, okay.

Well, I will brace myself

with a glass of this rose.

Mm-hmm.

It... it was right here!

I-I put it right here, I swear!

We should go.

Tulip's ovulating.

I gotta go fill her up.

(whoops)

Thanks so much for coming.

I'm telling you, it was there!

Yeah, it's upsetting, isn't it?

Knowing you're telling the truth

when your spouse doesn't believe you

because there's just no proof.

Don't... this is different, honey.

This was real.

So is the rat.

There is no rat!

There is no Playmate.

- There was a Playmate.
- No.

Yeah, you want to know how I know?

- How?
- I touched the Playmate.

- Really?
- Yeah.

In a lot of places.

- Know how I know?
- How?

'Cause I hear the rat.

- You don't see the rat.
- I hear it.

You're hear... that's a phantom
rat you're hearing, sweetie.

JEN: Like your phantom magazine?

_

All we want

is to build a gazebo,

but now the city is telling
us that part of our land

actually belongs to the neighbors.

JOHN: So what we want to do now

is sue the city for being Communist.

Well, that's an idea that has legs.

But let's, uh,

circle back to it,

and plan "A," I think,

is just asking your neighbors

to sign an easement.

Unfortunately, uh, Pam and Darryl

don't like us.

We always seem

to say the wrong things
at the wrong time.

Okay. Well, I mean,

the amount of land in
question is only two feet.

So I can't imagine them
getting too upset over that.

Two feet?

What is that, some kind of wisecrack

about my scuba diving accident?

No, no, no, no.

No, not at all.

We were just hoping to work
this out in a neighborly fashion,

and I think we just got
off on the wrong foot...

Seriously?

You can't stop, can you?

N... I can... I...

You just don't realize

how fraught with feet the language is.

JOHN: Yeah, it kind
of makes it impossible

not to put your f... uh...

your face in your mouth.

Let-let me get us some more tea.

Don't try to wow us with more tea.

It's nothing but a bag
of dirt in some hot water.

JOHN: Yeah, it's pretty
clear this is not working.

What is it gonna take
to get you to sign...?

$5,000!

- Oh, my!
- $5,001.

- Oh!
- No, that's extortion.

$5,002.

- Oh!
- Keep on going.

I went to auctioneering school.

I know how to talk fast.

(blabbering rapidly)

Hup! There.

Sold!

Well, we'll just build the gazebo

on the other side of the pool.

- Mm-hmm.
- It won't get the morning sun,

but you'll still be able to
sit on the glider and whittle.

Fine with me.

Aw...

DARRYL: Hello!

Hey-ho, neighbors!

We're here for a soak!

Turn up the heat and make some room!

The McDougals are here!

You're getting in our hot tub?

"Yours"? You mean "ours."

We are now co-owners

of this hot tizzy.

DARRYL: Yeah, we got that
survey over to our lawyer,

and he informed us that half
this tub is on our property.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

That can't be.

Oh, it be.

What are we gonna do now?

Same thing I did in 'Nam.

Put on a coconut bra
and sing show tunes?

Oh, I knew I shouldn't have
shown you those pictures.

No, we go on the attack.

Oh.

Oh, come on, look at you.

Ooh, it's gonna be so
nice. I can't wai... ooh!

- Ooh! Ooh!
- What's wrong? What's wrong?

Ooh, that's freezing!

Whoops. (chuckles)

Turns out the heater's on our property.

And now it's off.

Oh, no, it's on!

And I'm not talking about the heater.

You done woke the dragon up!

The dragon is up and had her coffee!

You about to get burnt!

Neighbor.

John, what's in our hot tub?

(both groan)

- Oh.
- Looks like cherry Jell-O.

Actually, it's Mixed Berry Blast.

I accidentally spilled
20 packs in there.

But don't eat it.

Pam made that mistake.

Now that dragon's got fire
coming out of both ends.

Yeah, the security PIN code

is, uh, 871.

Great, thanks.

I just ordered 40 pizzas to
be delivered to their house

that they don't even want.

John, you don't pay for the pizzas.

That's the whole prank.

All you did was buy them
the gift of 40 pizzas.

You know, maybe it's time

to stop this now.

Yeah.

(Darryl speaks indistinctly)

(both laughing)

Pam.

Darryl.

Um, y-you win.

Yeah, we'll give you $5,002,

minus the $300 we paid
to get the Jell-O out.

We're way past deal-making now.

You can't put a price on this.

Look at us. Look at us!

Excuse me?

I come to find out that

this hot tub is good for my stump.

I think my foot is growing back.

Something's growing down there!

(both laughing, clamoring)

PAM: What don't y'all get in?!

ALL: Cheers!

Oh, this is so much better than war!

Oh, it's so refreshing

to-to-to have a clean slate.

Yeah, nothing like sharing.

Sharon?

Why'd you have to go
bring up that bitch?

Look, I told you that was over!

She means nothing to me. Nothing!

No, I-I said "sharing."

I don't think you heard me correctly.

Are you making fun of me

because I lost the
hearing in my right ear?

- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, no, no!

- It was a scuba diving accident.
- Uh-huh.

I went too deep trying
to go find Darryl's foot.

You didn't go deep enough!

Oh, well, maybe your
little precious Sharon

can go find it next time!

Sharon is a licensed scuba diver!

You are a snorkeler!

We're-we're just gonna go in now.

We're not going anywhere!
We are friends now, okay?

Sharon, look...

You just called me Sharon?!

Did you just call me Sharon?!

Hey, what did you just eat?

Nothing.

- What are you eating?!
- Go away!

_

Oh, I'm so excited for this dinner.

- Mmm.
- Yeah, hey, how did you two

get reservations to
Rolin and Jones anyway?

I heard there was a one-year wait.

No, no, it was easy.

The chef rear-ended us and
we didn't call the police.

Yeah, he said he'd just had
a little bit of cooking wine,

but I could see some cooking
cocaine around his nose.

- (laughs)
- Oh, hey?

This isn't awkward for you guys, is it?

Because it's so soon
after your break-up?

- No!
- No, no.

I mean, we were friends
before we were dating,

so we thought we can do that again.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Have any of you noticed

we haven't moved

in five minutes?

- No.
- Hmm.

Must be an accident.

Yeah, I'll go check it out.

I got to pee anyway.

COLLEEN: How's, uh,

the garage? (chuckles)

- (chuckles) Warm.
- Cozy?

- Yeah, warm?
- Yeah.

Hey, they're not friends.

What are you talking
about? They're fine.

Exes, they can't be friends.

- (phone buzzing)
- You getting a call?

I'll call back.

Nah, it's okay. You can take it outside.

I mean, none of our business, right?

No, it-it's fine.

- Okay, yeah.
- Yeah.

It's fine.

Is it fine?

All right, well,

looks like this is gonna take a while.

They got a bunch of streets blocked off

because the president's having
a fund-raiser in the area.

And I guess the Secret
Service apparently

doesn't like hooker jokes anymore.

Well, this is fun. I'm having fun.

Yeah, so-so fun.

- So fun.
- I am so hungry.

Hey, I've got granola bars

in the emergency kit back there!

- Oh, yes.
- Yes, Heather!

- I haven't eaten in, like, three days...
- Oh, get 'em out, get 'em out.

waiting for this dinner.

Huh.

Um.

"I.O.U. one granola bar. Tim."

Uh, "I.O.U.

"one granola bar.

Tim."

"I.O.U. a toilet paper.

Tim."

(phone buzzing)

Oh, you know what?

Uh, I better take it this time.

Hello.

- That's weird.
- Yeah?

Here it comes.

I'm just gonna pretend
to read this manual.

It's so private she
has to take it outside?

Right?

I'm just saying

that's rude to you guys, right?

I mean, 'cause when-when you
get into a car with people,

there's a sort of unwritten contract

that you're gonna stay in
the car with the people,

be loyal to the car and-and the people,

and not, like, get out
and walk away from a car.

Oh, hey, uh, this car's
got its own Wi-Fi hotspot.

- Yeah.
- TIM: You know what?

I got to whizz again. (laughs)

I go the bladder of an owl,

which I imagine's pretty small.

- Man, that's true.
- (door closes)

Even elevator rides are
very difficult for him.

Everything okay?

- Yeah, fine.
- Yeah, good.

That was just a friend?

Really, Matt? You really need
to know who I was talking to?

- No, I don't.
- Hmm.

- No, it's none of my business.
- Okay.

- Nope.
- I mean, is it rude

to get out of a car

and take a phone call, you
know, w-when you're hanging out

with your friend and
his family? I don't know.

That's between you and the Lord.

Hey, uh, Heather, what is the,
uh, the Wi-Fi password here?

I want to watch some, uh,
waterslide fail videos.

It's, uh, it's, uh, HotforHeater69.

Oh, I remember Low Blood Sugar Matt.

- You remember this guy? Do you?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Real well.

Is he anything like your dad?

'Cause if he is, you should
probably break up with him.

See, that's why she broke up with me.

- Wow.
- HEATHER: Hey, you guys,

can I draw your attention to this?

Check out this map.

I can zoom all the way
over to Hawaii. Look.

You know what, Matt?
This is not the time

or the place to get into this.

- Is it not?
- No, it's not.

No. Is your little friend calling back?

He's not my little friend.

- No, but... so it is a he?
- Mm-hmm.

- And he's not little?
- Hey!

What did you just eat?

- Nothing.
- Open it.

- What are you eating?
- Go away!

Stop, I'll tell!

I found one of Lark's teething biscuits

in my jacket.

What?

That's half mine! Give me that.

Spit it into my mouth like a baby bird.

You know what? I thought that

being friends with you
would actually be better

than nothing, but... news
flash... it isn't. This sucks.

You think being friends with
you is a walk in the park?

You are so passive-aggressive

that sometimes I can't tell

if I'm talking to you or your mother.

- Whoa!
- No, you did not just bring

- my mother into this!
- I said your mother,

because you know it's true!

I did bring her up...

- because she and you...
- Oh, my goodness gracious.

(talking over each other, horn honks)

I feel like sometimes
we're talking at each other.

You never listen.

(indistinct shouting)

(sighing): Oh, God...!

COLLEEN: This is, like, the
worst idea I've ever had in my...

We could never be friends!

- So sad.
- Oh, I know.

They were so good together.

No.

I left half of the
teething biscuit in the car.

- (horns honking, beeping)
- MAN: Okay, here we go!

Wait, cars are moving. Cars are moving!

We're moving!

Oh, hey! Maybe we can
still make our reservation.

- Yeah.
- Where's Tim?

- Tim!
- Tim?

- Tim!
- Tim!

ALL: Tim!

(sirens whooping)

Oh... aw!

Oh, no, no, no. I can't
lose my sense of smell.

That's what separates
us from the animals.

_

I hope you can't see
my memories up there...

like what I said to Heather

the day before she married you.

(chuckles)

Uh, so you, uh, you have sinus polyps.

Oh, damn!

I wanted to go out on my own terms.

- How long have I got?
- No, no, no, no.

It's not serious,

but you do need to get them removed,

'cause if they get any bigger,

you'll never kick this cold

and you might lose your sense of smell.

Oh, no, no, no.

I-I can't lose my sense of smell.

That's what separates
us from the animals.

Well, I can refer you to a good
doctor that can do the surgery.

No, you're doing it, and for
free, or nobody's doing it.

Plus, there isn't a doctor in the world

who'd be more terrified of
making a mistake than you.

(sighs) Fine.

Great.

Now, I'm going to go
smell some things, uh...

just in case something goes wrong, eh?

TIM: This'll just be
a really quick procedure.

You'll be out for about an hour,

and when you wake up,
you'll be good as new.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, now, just go ahead

and count backwards from ten.

Ten...

nine...

(groggily): eight...

(garbled): seven...

(monitor beeping steadily)

Hey, do yourself a favor, guys,

and Google "waterslide fails."

I mean, man, there are so
many bathing suit malfunctions.

I mean, I was up till, like,
3:00 in the morning last night.

(monitor flatlines)

- John?!
- He's coding.

All right.

- Get that crash cart in here immediately!
- John! Dad! Dad!

How you feeling, John?

I'm... oh, I feel great.

You did good, Timmy.

- Yeah.
- I knew you could do it.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

I'll see you later.

You're my lawyer now.

What? What are you talking about?

I killed John during
surgery this morning.

He was dead for, like,
15 seconds, but it's okay,

we brought him back, he's fine.

I mean, I think he's fine.

I don't know what's
going on in his brain.

He might be oxygen-deprived,

he might be some sort of
savant or something now.

What do, what do I know?

I left before the guy
even had underwear on.

Listen, I don't... I
don't want to tell him

because he trusted me and
I don't know what to do.

WOMAN (on phone): Sounds
like I should call you back.

Yeah, that'd probably be best.

Look, you're the only adult I know.

Please tell me what to do.

Well, you just, you know...

you need to tell him.

I mean, not legally, but-but ethically.

That's it?

Yeah, that's what I've got.

Well... then can I...

I mean, that was pretty simple advice.

Time is money.

Okay.

(giggles)

Okay!

Well, everything looks great.

The surgery was a
success. (nervous laugh)

Oh, I knew you could do it, Tim.

You're-you're a good doctor,
and a good son-in-law.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Um... there is one more thing

I wanted to tell you.

- Uh-huh?
- Uh...

What's this?

This is your heartbeat

during the surgery.

And this part right here

is the thing that I wanted to show you.

It's, like, flat.

Yeah, it is, yeah.

This... it's... for
about 15 seconds there,

your heart kind of,
technically, stopped beating.

Are you saying I died?

Yeah, but...

look, we brought you back, so...

it's all good.

- You let me die?
- Oh...

You let me die.

John...

Hey, remember...

no charge!

Well, I told him.

He did not take it well.

Stop talking to me.

All right. How about now?

I am a lawyer, not a stripper.

JOAN: Where have you been?

We were worried.

Is that a gun?

Oh, my God, he's got
a gun, that's a gun.

What is that?

It's my EKG from when

your husband killed
me during my surgery.

What?

- You let that man operate on you?
- What do you mean, he killed you?

I would like to say

that I am just learning
of this right now,

and I am as shocked as all of you.

Tim, is this true?

Look, it-it's not like

we haven't all had this
experience. I mean...

- Dying?
- What?

(all talking at once)

JOHN: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's okay. Don't you see?

I beat death.

I think I might be invincible.

I don't think it works that way, dear.

I'm so proud of you, Timmy.

This was the most manly
thing you've ever done,

killing a fella.

That took courage.

You did good, son.

Thank you.

That was the plan all along.

Look, pass me the chips

and I'll tell you

what I saw in the afterlife.

- Mmm!
- JOHN: Beautiful,

bright light, a feeling of calm,

and Jesus spoke to
me... about water slides.