Life in Pieces (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 21 - Cinderella Fantasy Prom Dougie - full transcript
Tim thinks wearing a Cinderella dress during March Madness is good luck, so he refuses to take it off in hopes his alma mater will win. Also, Greg fantasizes about what to write in a ...
_
Come on, Gophers!
Why were you wearing a dress in college?
Because, Sam, a man
wearing a dress was funny
before it was brave.
Honey, zip me up.
Yeah.
I know this might
seem odd, but the last time
Mount St. Gary's
made it to the tournament,
Tim wore this exact same dress
and they won.
It was a Cinderella story.
Huh?
You look like Barbie's
confused older brother.
Oh, leave him alone.
Our alma mater's winning.
I'm pretty sure it's
all because of the dress.
No, it's not all because of the dress.
There's only one way to find out.
Hey now, what an ugly turn of events
- for Mount St. Gary's.
- Mm-hmm.
That turnover just cost them their lead.
Mm...
Wow, look at that.
The Gophers knock down a three
and have regained the lead.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Not sure I want this much power.
Incredible. The 15 seed is about
to upset the number two seed.
Cinderella Mount St. Gary's
advances to the round of 32.
- That's how we do it! Yeah!
- Oh, no!
Oh, I ripped a big hole
in the side of my dress.
Now I look stupid.
Yeah, now you do.
Good thing I carry a
sewing kit in my clutch.
I like that color on you, Daddy.
Thank you.
Ooh!
What a charming tea party.
But I need you to get going.
Remember? You were gonna take the girls
to the mall today.
Oh. Saddle up, Soph!
Uh, y-you're not gonna go
dressed like that, are you?
Stays on till we lose.
Honey,
in college, you only wore
the dress during the games.
Right. And we didn't go all the
way. I'm not making that mistake
again. Why else would I
still be wearing the dress?
Okay.
Well, that makes all of this
a little bit less special.
When my dad had a breakdown,
my mom sent him to the country.
He says it's about basketball.
I don't want to wear it... I have to.
Well, you are giving me lots
of material for my memoir.
Oh. Oh, oh.
Okay, okay. Flat tire.
Girls, cover your ears.
Are you working Timmy
Sherman's sixth birthday, too?
Oh, no! It's for basketball.
Mount St. Gary's.
A Cinderella story?
Oh, yeah. I get it.
I got them in my bracket,
so don't take that off.
- No.
- Can I help you with that?
Yeah, thanks. Yeah.
Ow.
Is this yours?
Yes.
It fits.
It's perfect.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I can't believe it's only been two days,
because your dress is ripe.
All right. Come on, Gophers!
Come on! Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go!
We either win or lose this
game in the next ten seconds.
I know. Just think, in
the next ten seconds,
this could all be over.
Here, touch the hem of
my garment for good luck.
- No, I'm good. I'm good.
- Touch it, we need a miracle.
Two seconds to go.
Anderson takes the shot.
Unreal!
- From midcourt, he makes it.
- Oh! Yeah!
- And Mount St. Gary's is going
- Yes!
To the Sweet 16.
Great!
Oh! How lucky!
Another five days of this!
I know.
I know. My new driver's
license photo's gonna be ruined,
but it'll be worth it.
Oh, wow. It just keeps getting better.
Got a man wide open!
The alley-oop to Elbroke!
Oh, Elbroke slams it in!
And we got a buzzer beater!
Ooh, we got a big upset here!
He passes it off to Renfro.
Renfro shoots it from the...
It's caught at the the
three-pointer from way...
Heather!
Where is my dress?!
Which one?
Oh, don't you play coy with me.
You know that's just for buying cars.
Okay. I... I-I couldn't stand
to see you in a dress anymore, so
I threw the dress into
the Paretskys' backyard,
their dog saw it, came
over, cowered a little,
and then he had diarrhea all over it.
What?! Oh, Heather!
Not much of a watchdog.
What?
You... oh, Heather.
Another turnover by Mount St. Gary's,
who's down by 20 with time running out.
It wasn't the same
Gopher team out there.
It's as if they lost their mojo.
Not lost, Jim Nantz!
Their mojo was thrown out!
What a heartbreaking end...
What? I...
What's that, a gift?
You know, you can't buy
my forgiveness with a gift.
Unless it's a deep fryer.
Is that a deep fryer?
Do you really think a deep
fryer could fit into this box?
I don't know. I just
wanted something deep fried.
It's not a deep fryer.
But it'll make you feel just as fat.
A new Cinderella dress.
It's for next year. And...
to give us a little extra help,
I got a little something for myself.
This way, we can be ridiculous together.
_
You ever think there'll be
a day where the baby monitor
will wake us up by saying,
"Hello, Mom and Dad.
I am in need of assistance."
Yeah. Or like, "You know what,
I'll go to work. You guys stay
in and wet your pants all day."
Sign it, Greg!
Also, you have
to give me $14 for the gift.
We got the boss shot glasses
for every day of the week,
but Friday's is bigger.
Oh. Uh, no. This is, uh...
Sorry. You're gonna
have to come back to me.
It's too much pressure
to be the first to sign.
You handle thousands of dollars
in crowdfunding every day.
I think you can handle a birthday card.
Right.
Chase is in a bad mood.
He gave up carbs, dairy, and Sugar.
Oh, not sugar the food. Sugar
the woman who waters the plants.
His wife caught Chase fertilizing her.
Get it?
Yes.
Just... no pressure.
None.
Just... make it good.
Greg, your birthday wishes
are thoughtful,
poignant... and hilarious.
I'm not even sure what I wrote.
Well, it makes me want
to be a better man,
and it gives me a chubster
in the downstairs area.
Where's Mailroom Mark?
Here, sir.
I got some news for you.
Your mom was Copy Room Janet,
and you're my son.
Dad!
Oh!
You're so creative,
Greg. I'm tired of funding
other people's stupid dreams here.
It's time you crowdfund one of your own.
W... I-I've thought the same thing.
Of course you have. It's your fantasy.
Greg!
Greg, hurry up.
I've got some tilapia in the microwave.
I-I just... don't want
to make it seem like
I'm trying too hard.
Greg, is this your idea of a joke?
I...
I don't remember what I wrote.
That's him. You didn't write anything.
There's just a drawing here
of a man with a very large nose
and big, hairy eyes underneath.
Gross.
Chase, this has got
to be some sort of...
Oh, clean out your desk, Greg.
And don't bother coming home.
Mom?
Matt was always my favorite.
Dad.
I have no son.
No, Dad...
Hmm? Okay, I have one son.
It's over, Greg. I've moved on.
Coach Murray from middle school?
Should've climbed that rope, Greg.
'Cause now your wife is climbing mine.
You make me sick.
Greg. Greg. Greg!
Milly, will you please just
let me think, all right?
Your voice is so...
Wh... Where's that music coming from?
It's my ringtone.
Oh, God, it's my mom.
She's so annoying.
I kind of hate her. She has this voice
that's so high-pitched that
it's really, really irritating.
She sounds like a baby
crying. I don't really like
hanging out with her. She's
from Santa Fe, New Mexico...
Shh!
Why are you looking at me like that?
I've got an idea.
It took you long enough.
All right.
CriTunes? What the heck
- does that mean?
- It's a baby monitor, all right?
But it takes the cries of your baby
and it turns those grating cries
into soothing music.
Cri-Tunes.
CriTunes.
Yes!
What is this?
Oh, Mom!
I'm just not ready to be a
grandma yet, okay? You just...
you rip it like that. Hold this.
_
All right, I got to get behind
you and pretend that I'm you,
otherwise I can't tie this right.
Ah, there you go.
Got to do the same thing
with your cummerbund.
What?
Yeah.
You don't need to do my cummerbund.
- I know I don't need to,
- Oh.
But it's your prom,
And this is one of those things
that a dad really remembers.
Hey, Tim, whenever you're done
doing whatever it is you're
doing there, could I have
a minute alone with Tyler?
Looks like your mom
wants a turn with you.
Oh, you look so nice.
Okay.
For prom.
What is this?
Oh, Mom!
Okay, these are called condoms.
And you know your dad
likes to buy in bulk.
Well, he got these
before his vasectomy...
- Mom...
- I'm just not ready
to be a grandma yet, okay?
You just... you just rip
it like that... hold this.
Okay, if it breaks like
that, I will be a grandmother.
- Oh, what are you...
- Put 'em in your pockets.
I am going to miss
these moments with you.
Hi!
We're here for pictures!
Oh, look at you.
We don't need to capture this.
Oh, goodness.
How many girls are you going with?
Here, I'll... I'll help you clean up.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
Have you ever, you know,
seen one of these personally?
Hmm? John, get a banana.
Tyler doesn't know how to use a rubber.
Oh, you guys are weirding the kid out.
He's got a prom to go to.
Thanks, Pop-Pop.
Yeah.
Your mother and grandmother
have a problem with boundaries.
They don't know how to talk
to you like you're an adult.
But I do.
Let's talk about
how to get a girl's bra off
when you're kissing her neck.
What bra?
What is that?
This is Cheeto's girlfriend, Dorita.
She's here to show you the bases.
Seriously?
Every other kid just
gets the no-drinking talk.
Oh, no, no, you need to drink
or that thing's going to
go off like a Roman candle
before you even get your pants down.
You said it.
You look beautiful.
So do you.
- I got your corsage.
- Okay.
Sorry, um,
those are from my mom.
Isn't this great?
Didn't you love how every
single guy won Prom King
- and every single girl won Prom Queen?
- Yeah.
Yeah, our school is so inclusive.
It was perfect. Everything is perfect.
You're perfect.
Wow.
Come on.
Come here.
You know how I feel about you.
Me, too. And... you. Me.
And I think it's time
we take our relationship
to the next level.
Absolutely. Up we go.
I want to know that our souls
are gonna go to the
same place when we die.
Wow. This is intense.
I want us to be together
in every way possible.
Yes. In every way.
Or even in just one way.
That's why I want to give you this.
This ring is my promise
to keep myself pure
until the first time that I have sex...
on my wedding night.
Will you marry me?
_
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing in
here all by yourself?
Oh, God, you're watching porn.
No, I'm not watching porn.
Yet.
And also anymore.
- Ooh.
- No, I'm-I'm looking
at my Netflix history.
See, Colleen and I
still share a password,
so I can see firsthand
- how well she's doing without me. Look.
- Uh-huh.
Uh, sports documentaries.
Yeah. Colleen hates sports.
And she watched this one
on a Monday, which means
that not only is she seeing somebody,
but they're already at the point where
they're hanging out on Mondays and...
you know, watching Netflix.
Okay, well, listen, maybe
this is an opportunity
for you to get back out there, too.
You know? Maybe...
hop in the shower, give
hygiene the old college try.
I don't know, Jen. I
don't think I'm ready.
Okay. Well, maybe just
the shower part, then.
Uh, hey, Vanda.
Quick pregunta.
You're not seeing anyone
right now, are you?
Why do you ask?
I was wondering if maybe
you wanted to go on a
date with my brother-in-law
this Friday. I assumed
from your late-night
ice cream tweets that you were single.
No, I'm dating an
artisanal ice cream artist.
The pictures are part of our foreplay.
Okay, let's go back to
being small-talk friends.
Let's do that.
Uh, did I just hear
the chocolate and peanut butter
of "Friday" and "date"?
Dougie, hi.
Always a pleasure.
No, I was just, uh, I was
wondering if Vanda was free.
Well, I'm free.
What about me?
I like ice cream and foreplay.
But if I get going,
I'm gonna need a whole lot of one
and very little of the other.
Yeah, me, too.
I just thought that, um,
you were seeing someone.
He died.
- Oh.
- So, tell me about your brother-in-law.
Could he pick me up, like, physically?
If we were to get in a fight,
who do you think could win
between the two of us?
Uh... you.
Yeah.
I'm in!
Yeah?
Let's do this!
Okay.
Tell him to wear something smart...
no jeans, no tank
tops, no baseball caps.
I'm like a Puerto Rican nightclub.
You sure are.
This is so exciting.
I think it's very important
that you get back out there.
Yeah, it's also very important
that you manage expectations.
Dougie wasn't my first choice.
But she's my boss' daughter,
so I couldn't really say no.
- What does that mean?
- That she's,
yeah, uh, a little
rough around the edges.
Well, I don't care
if she's a pizza box with eyes.
He's going on a date.
You have given him the
greatest gift. Mwah.
Mom's right... I need to
get back up on the horse.
That's actually a really
good analogy in this case.
Hey-o! You must be Matt.
Dougie?
Yep, that's me.
Good God, you're like bones.
Jen did not tell me you were so scrawny.
Never dated a man I
couldn't share a belt with.
I haven't been eating a lot
since I got over this break-up...
Okay, save it for pillow talk.
Where's your ball and
where's your shoes?
I'm renting them.
Oh, God, okay.
Uh, I'll meet you at three.
I can't be seen with a renter.
This is super embarrassing.
Rookie mistake!
You always bring your own ball!
Come on!
Boo-yah!
Yeah.
X it out, Bony Island.
Whoa!
Final score.
218-47.
You suck!
And your tie's dumb.
Thank you.
Well, this has been a great night.
I've learned so much
about-about bowling,
Mm-hmm.
Its culture,
and the art of thawing meat.
Yeah, night's not over.
You still haven't met the steamer.
You say that and it makes me scared.
It's just my cat.
Oh, thank God.
My trouser cat.
What do you say? Come on over.
I've got an opening for one
with your little skinny name on it.
- Yeah, I just don't think
- Ooh!
that I'm in that place quite yet.
And also it seems like you hate me.
That's what makes it hot.
Right.
- Yeah, see,
- Headlocks!
I'm not really in that hate-sex phase.
Forget you then!
The night is still young.
I can still find a
business man in Chinatown
who likes a good steamed bun.
Pfft.
So, the date didn't go well?
If that's what's out there,
I don't want it.
- I could've lost a finger!
- I know, I'm sorry.
Maybe it's just not
possible to enjoy yourself
when you're still holding onto Colleen.
I'm not holding onto Colleen.
I'm not.
I haven't called her in a week.
I changed my relationship status.
I stopped trying to run
into her at the gym... I'm over her.
What did she watch
on Netflix last night?
White Chicks.
Well, she's got good taste.
You can't argue that.
Hi.
Hi. Wh-what are you doing here?
Just wanted to get you your stuff back.
Oh, okay. Right-right now?
Yeah, well, I, um...
- Sorry.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, look, I had always assumed
that we were gonna get back together.
Um, and, uh, I see
from the Netflix history
that you're dating someone,
so I think that it's time
that I let go of the
idea that you are the one.
Matt?
I-I'm not dating anybody.
What?
I'm not dating anybody.
But you're hanging out with somebody.
I mean, his truck is in your driveway.
Matt, how could I
possibly be hanging out
with somebody when,
when all I do is think about you?
I mean, this last month
has been the loneliest month of my life.
I should've never broken up with you.
I was, I was just scared.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I'd already
messed things up enough,
and I didn't want to hurt you anymore.
I'm sorry, I just feel like such a fool.
No, you're not the fool. I'm the fool.
Why?
Because I've been letting
you talk this whole time
when I should've just done this.
You still haven't explained
the Netflix history
- or the truck in the driveway.
- Oh, that.
Um, Chad rented out his room to someone
- on his legal team. Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Oh, right on, I mean, he seems
kind of like nice and quiet...
Sorry the hammock broke!
Oh, my God, no.
Yeah, that's, uh, Dougie.
- My new roommate.
- Can't breathe.
Well, look what the cat
trouser dragged back in.
Oh, you know each other.
Okay.
Okay.
_
What's up?
What? What's-what...?
What?
What is that music?
Are we listening to the
funeral home station?
No, we're listening to my prototype.
Wha...?
Yeah, it's turning Lark's cries
into soothing music.
May I present: CryTunes.
Yeah. I posted it at my work.
We're live, baby,
and raising funds.
Oh, so you are
crowdfunding your own idea.
Yeah.
See, got a little description,
and these are all the
rewards that backers can get.
"$100,
personalized mixtape."
Well, yeah, I mean,
I'm the king of those.
So what do you think?
Who? Oh, me?
Um...
You don't like it.
I...
You know what, it feels a little bit
like I'm, like, shopping for curtains
at a high-end outdoor mall.
Well, uh, you can change the music.
Huh?
No. No, no, no.
Well, no, I mean, you can...
it can be any kind of music.
It doesn't have to be...
- Yeah, not this one.
- It doesn't have to be these two,
but the music will keep going
as long as Lark keeps crying.
Greg, L-Lark is crying.
- No, no. No, Lark is crying.
- Oh.
Yeah, she's a living baby.
Sorry!
Yes! 25%.
Take that, documentaries about anime.
Hey, babe. What are you doing here?
Um, I came for my mixtape.
You donated?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I was... I was
feeling bad about this morning.
I feel like I gave your
idea lukewarm support,
and it should have been hot, you know?
It should have been a
steaming pile of hot support.
So you believe in it?
Honestly, more than anything, I...
was thinking about how
much I believe in you.
Thank you, honey.
Now, if you believe in me
just a hundred bucks more,
your reward is a caricature.
Now, I can give you
big eyes or big boobs.
Which do you want?
I draw 'em both the same.
30%!
Hey, there, Greg.
Saw you posted something
on our Web site.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you can still get
in on the ground floor,
you know, get rich.
I'm already rich. See, here's the thing.
Posting your own product is,
uh, it's a conflict of interest.
You know, it's like, uh...
oh, it's like taking
your sister-in-law
to a drive-in movie
and getting her drunk
on a little apple wine
and making out with her...
and-and then regretting it later.
It's just not done.
But, uh, we-we... we're-we're 50% funded
in-in just under three hours.
I mean, even the ball wipe guys,
it-it took them a month to do that.
The creators of
Cleanuts don't work here.
They smoke weed and throw
food at each other's balls.
That's how they came up with the idea.
Are you saying the entire
time that I work here,
I can't do anything creative ever?
I'm not saying that.
I want people to be creative.
If you want to, you know, mix
flavors at the soda fountain
or bring in a jigsaw puzzle,
I think it'd be great.
The point is I would take
it down, if I were you,
but that's just me.
You dig?
Anyway, I'm just glad Greg's
feeling inspired, you know?
I mean, aside from Lark and
our smoke alarm going off
every time we cook a steak,
there's really not much
excitement in our house.
Well... that's about to change.
Uh, what's up?
Hi.
Uh, you're-you're home early.
Yeah, well, um, I got some big news.
Uh, so-so do I. Um...
Yeah, well, let me go
first, 'cause I'm taller.
So CryTunes has reached
twice its funding goal
in its first day.
Wow, that-that's amazing.
And how would you feel about
me maybe quitting my job
to focus solely on... on CryTunes?
And before you answer, know that
I may have already quit my job.
You-you... you "may
have" quit your job?
I quit my job.
There were ultimatums
given, uh, of a legal nature
I-I don't want to bore you with...
I'm a lawyer, Greg.
But after you came in,
it just really pumped me up, you know?
And-and I can't do this without you,
so I know it's gonna
be hard around here.
You know, we're gonna have
to tighten some belts...
Actually, I think I'm
gonna have to loosen mine.
I'm pregnant.
Whatever happened to Murph?
Oh, Murph. Hell of a pilot.
He died at an airshow.
Oh, damn. Damn. A daredevil, though.
No, he choked on a funnel cake.
_
John was there from the beginning,
when Karyl and I first
worked the same flight.
Yeah, I remember that.
Carol was my copilot,
and Karyl with a "K" was a stewardess.
Uh, I remember I asked
'em to bring some nuts
up to the cockpit, but
they were in the lav.
And-and, you know, nuts were
the last thing on their mind.
Hey, Aunt Carol.
- Hi!
- Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Congratulations on your wedding.
Isn't it wonderful, honey?
Over 35 years,
and now they can make it legal.
And now you can, too, huh?
What's that?
Nothing.
Oh.
What? What is it, Mom?
Oh, it-it... it's wine, honey.
Okay, what-what's happening?
Why will no one make
eye contact with me?
Aunt Carols?
Fasten your seatbelt, hon.
Okay, you guys, come
on, I'm a grown-up.
Whatever it is, I can handle this.
Your mother and I aren't married.
Mommy?
Honey, it was 1980.
Carol and Karyl couldn't get married,
so your dad and I divorced in protest.
So you've been divorced for 35 years?
Uh, yeah.
We've always been very
married in our hearts,
which is all that matters.
This explains so much.
This is... I'm a child of divorce.
This is why I lick
doorknobs, this is why...
Wait, do Matt and Greg know about this?
We thought it best
not to tell all of you,
- so, please, don't bother your brothers...
- Matt!
- Oh, Heather, please.
- Matt!
She never was my best listener.
Mmm.
Colleen, we work together...
Matt!
Matt...
Uh, am I interrupting something?
Huh? No. What's up?
I have got some news
that is going to shake you to...
Okay, can you please turn her around?
Yeah.
Okay,
Mom and Dad got a divorce,
and they never told us.
What?
Yeah.
Is this my fault?
Oh, no, no, it's not your fault.
Am I going to have to choose
whose garage to move into?
Now, whatever happened to Murph?
Oh, Murph. Hell of a pilot.
He died at an airshow.
Oh, damn. Damn. A daredevil, though.
No, he choked on a funnel cake.
Oh...
You know, for all the times you guys
judged me for getting divorced.
At least I told people, or, you know,
they saw the cop car in the
front yard and just assumed.
All right, the only way to handle this
is you have to get remarried.
Right now.
You know, I think
you're both overreacting.
Overreacting?
We now come from a broken home.
I'm probably going to end
up becoming a stripper.
Yeah.
Well, look, it didn't affect anything.
Honestly, we just forgot.
Well, we didn't both forget.
Yeah, we didn't want to
disrupt the family over this.
Oh, so-so-so all this time,
you just... you stayed
divorced for the kids?
Yeah!
You're such a wonderful family.
Karyl is just glowing.
I'm happy for you both.
Cheers.
Are you a little jealous?
No!
A little bit?
I mean, I always thought
we'd get remarried,
but it doesn't matter.
It's never too late.
Ask him to marry you.
I'd never do that.
I asked Karyl.
We were flying back from Guatemala.
Customs asked me
if I had anything to declare.
I said, "Six cartons of cigarettes
and the love of this good woman."
Wonderful.
Liars!
Well... they just told Greg.
When did they divorce?
1980.
- 1980?
- Yeah.
No.
I-I-I was born in 1981.
Uh...
which means...
I'm a...
bastard.
Oh, oh, oh.
God, it almost makes it worth it.
You old bastard.
You're playing with an app
that changes your hairstyle.
Hey, look at this handsome guy.
_
Oh, man, I am so glad I got this thing.
This way, I can look
at my patients' files
and I can video conference
with my fellow doctors.
You're playing with an app
that changes your hairstyle.
Well, that may not seem important
to able-haired people like
yourself, but to me, it is.
Ugh, I don't know how you
can sit there and do that
knowing that my parents'
marriage is a complete fraud.
It's not a fraud.
It was just a lie
that they told you for your entire life.
Hey, check out this handsome fella.
God, put it away.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, hey, sweetie!
How was school?
Same stuff, different day.
Oh...
How was Samantha's Student
of the Month ceremony?
Oh, God. Oh, no.
I should've known something
was wrong when I had free time!
No mother with free
time is a good mother!
Come on, maybe we can still make it.
You can't. It was hours ago.
- Maybe there's a chance!
- There's no chance.
Maybe the speeches ran long.
- Come on, let's go. Ow!
- Oh!
Oh, honey! Honey, you okay?
- Here, come on. Come on.
- Aah!
- We gotta go. Hang onto me. Hang onto me.
- Huh-uh. Huh-uh.
- Yes, you can. Yes.
- I can't... I can't make it.
I-I had two lunches.
- Go on without me!
- No! Honey,
I would never go on without you.
I want you to be there so
you can share the blame.
Oh!
There she is! You looked so great
up there, sweetie.
I'm so sorry we couldn't stay
and give you a hug and a ride home,
but your dad, he hurt his ankle
- and we had to rush out.
- Yeah.
I know you weren't there.
What's that?
I was the only kid
without a proud parent
holding up a cell phone.
- It was humiliating.
- Sam...
Sam, Sam, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, yes. You're right.
We-we weren't there.
And the real reason
that we weren't there
was because...
we were out buying you this.
Hey, hey... Hey, hip,
hooray! Hip, hooray!
I thought you said
I couldn't have one of
my own until I was 16.
Well, that was before
we were so proud of you.
Thank you! I love it!
Oh, I love you, honey.
Uh, use the railing.
It's not just there for decoration, now.
Yeah, so, enjoy!
What are you doing? That was mine!
What? Oh, come on. That
was an epic parent fail.
You have to do something
big to make up for that.
I've made a list of all the
things you've missed of mine.
Hope the birth isn't on there.
Uh, okay. "One ballet rehearsal,
two soccer games..."
I figure that all of this
is worth an overnight trip to Disneyland
with a souvenir and a giant turkey leg.
Oh, those turkey legs...
I'll go get started on the hotel rez.
Do you see the lessons
that we teach them
when we try to buy their forgiveness?
You know what? You are right.
You are absolutely right.
We have to take that tablet back.
What? No. Then she'll hate us.
Yeah, that's how we know
that we're being good parents.
Then I don't want to be a good parent.
So we made two mistakes today.
We forgot your award,
and then we tried to buy your
forgiveness, which is worse.
We're sorry.
I understand.
Oh, great, 'cause we're
gonna have to take this back.
What are you... what
are you doing? Mom...
Wait, wait, wait. Before
you get upset again,
just know that we are going to
celebrate your accomplishments
with something better
than an old tablet,
you know?
Dinner!
Weren't you going
to feed me dinner anyway?
No, out. Tonight.
Anywhere you want.
Fine.
I want to go to that vegan place
that gives Dad the trots.
Hmm, hmm...
And I want to bring all my friends.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah. Great.
We will go to the restaurant
that gives your dad the trots
and we will watch you and your
friends text for two hours.
Really?
Yeah.
This is going to be awesome.
Okay, I took a preemptive Imodium.
Let's do this.
Okay. Come on, Sophia.
We're gonna take Sam
and her friends out to dinner.
You can't take Sam
and her dumb friends to dinner.
Tonight is the party for
Uncle Matt and Colleen's book.
- Oh, sh...
- Seriously?!
Here, we got you this.
_
This is such a good book.
Oh, thank you.
You know, I have an idea
for a children's book.
Oh.
I-I went bald when I was really young
and I sucked at football
and my only friend was my beagle.
So what about a story like that?
You mean like Charlie Brown?
Colleen, uh... we worked together.
We made a book together.
Now I want to make a life together.
Will you marry me?
I liked the last one better,
when you compared her to a river.
Powerful stuff.
Whatcha doing?
I'm sucking out these donut guts
and putting them back in.
And no one's the wiser.
Hey, Soph.
- Hmm?
- What you just heard...
I need you to keep that quiet, okay?
And I need you to put
these donut carcasses
back on the buffet table.
You got yourself a deal.
Hi, Mom!
Hi, Joanie, sweetheart.
I'm sorry I'm late,
but my Uber got caught in traffic.
Oh.
Hello, I'm Huber.
He's my boyfriend.
Oh, of course he is.
I told him if he wants to marry me,
he's got to buy me a ring.
Because my grandson
called dibs on mine.
What?
He did?
I got to keep my trap shut.
Mom, get something to eat.
And I'll be right back.
I just have
to find, um, somebody.
All right.
GiGi just told me about the ring.
Oh, no.
You don't have to tell me
what's going on, but if you're proposing
to Colleen, just blink.
Mom, I got to blink.
- I got to... no!
- You're proposing!
Please, please, please
don't say anything, okay?
I waited until this book signing
so I could do it on a night
that's special to both of us.
Oh, it will be special.
And I know your dad and
I aren't married, honey,
but that doesn't mean marriage
isn't a beautiful thing.
And you two, you... you
just belong together.
Thank you, Mom.
All right, I got to go
get the ring from GiGi.
Oh, she thinks her
nurse is her boyfriend,
so just go along with it, you know,
so she doesn't make a scene like she did
when they canceled Walker, Texas Ranger.
Right.
- Here you go.
- What?
No, have you forgotten I can't drink?
Oh, right, well, I could drink for two.
Yeah, okay, just give it to me.
I'm gonna pretend.
I don't want to tip off your sister.
She's like a bomb-sniffing
dog for pregnant women.
- Hey!
- Hi.
Getting your drink on?
You know it.
Oh, my God, I'm thirsty!
Oh, thank God.
Hi.
Oh! There he is!
My grandson, the famous artist.
Hi, GiGi.
I am so proud of you and your book.
Oh, thank you. Do you like it?
No.
I like stories that have
a message about manners
and justice Texas-style.
Okay, uh, GiGi, uh, did
you bring me anything?
Oh, I almost forgot.
Don't let Huber see you talking to me.
He fills with jealousy and rage.
Got it.
All right, here we go.
Get your camera ready.
I am so excited.
I thought this day would never come.
Me, neither.
Okay, everyone, uh,
can we have your attention?
Uh, thanks, son. I'll take it from here.
Dad, uh, what are you doing?
There's something I should've
done a long time ago.
Joanie, would you come
up here for a moment?
No, honey, I'm sure whatever
this is, it can wait.
No, it's waited long enough.
Uh, Joan Pirkle Short,
you're not my wife
and you're not my ex-wife,
but you're my soul mate.
And I believe that...
- Hmm?
- keeping it fresh
keeps it special.
- Okay.
- Joanie?
Will you marry me again?
Yes.
Again.
Are you kidding me?
A toast, a toast to Mom and Dad!
Hear, hear!
What's wrong with you?
I'll tell you in a
minute. Okay, everybody.
Can, uh, can we sit down, please?
Wow, that was a surprise, huh?
We weren't expecting that.
But, uh, I tell you what,
that's-that's not the only big news
that we have today.
Um, uh...
Baby! Baby!
Jen's pregnant!
Son of a bitch.
Surprise.
Ooh, another grandbaby!
We wanted to wait to tell you
until I got my job back, but...
You lost your job?
Yeah.
He's an inventor now.
Okay, all right.
Anybody else got any, uh,
big announcements to make?
Bombshells to drop? Surprises?
No? Everyone's good?
Okay. Oh, hey, Tyler.
What about you? You got anything?
We got married.
What?
Is this a joke?
No, this ring is no joke.
Thanks, GiGi.
Tyler got the ring?
You are way too young to be married!
Why-why aren't you saying anything?
He can't hear you. He just got laid.
Yeah, why isn't everyone
doing it all the time?
GiGi?
Cuff links.
To remember this night by.
Don't sell them for grass.
Okay.
You okay?
Huh? Oh, yeah, the hell with it.
Don't even want to do it anymore.
What? What are you talking about?
Do what? Do what anymore?
Ask you to marry me.
You were gonna ask me to marry you?
Yeah, but who cares now? It's stupid.
I mean, I'm just gonna
look like a copycat.
Matt?
What?
Come with me.
Okay.
Okay, this obviously
didn't go the way that I planned,
but nothing about us has.
I love you.
And that is one thing
that has not changed.
And it never will.
Colleen Brandon Ortega?
This floor is wet.
Oh.
Um,
will you do me the honor of...
man, I really hope this is water...
of, uh,
making me the happiest man on Earth
for the rest of my life?
A pair of chicken cuff links?
It's us.
Please marry me.
Yes!
Yes! I love you.
I love your whole crazy family.
I love all of it. I love you.
Yes!
If this is gonna go past kissing,
I'm just gonna sneak out of here.
Guys?
We're engaged.
Can someone stop this?
She's so old.
Wow.
That was not
the reaction I expected.
I guess that is her boyfriend.
Come on, Gophers!
Why were you wearing a dress in college?
Because, Sam, a man
wearing a dress was funny
before it was brave.
Honey, zip me up.
Yeah.
I know this might
seem odd, but the last time
Mount St. Gary's
made it to the tournament,
Tim wore this exact same dress
and they won.
It was a Cinderella story.
Huh?
You look like Barbie's
confused older brother.
Oh, leave him alone.
Our alma mater's winning.
I'm pretty sure it's
all because of the dress.
No, it's not all because of the dress.
There's only one way to find out.
Hey now, what an ugly turn of events
- for Mount St. Gary's.
- Mm-hmm.
That turnover just cost them their lead.
Mm...
Wow, look at that.
The Gophers knock down a three
and have regained the lead.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
Not sure I want this much power.
Incredible. The 15 seed is about
to upset the number two seed.
Cinderella Mount St. Gary's
advances to the round of 32.
- That's how we do it! Yeah!
- Oh, no!
Oh, I ripped a big hole
in the side of my dress.
Now I look stupid.
Yeah, now you do.
Good thing I carry a
sewing kit in my clutch.
I like that color on you, Daddy.
Thank you.
Ooh!
What a charming tea party.
But I need you to get going.
Remember? You were gonna take the girls
to the mall today.
Oh. Saddle up, Soph!
Uh, y-you're not gonna go
dressed like that, are you?
Stays on till we lose.
Honey,
in college, you only wore
the dress during the games.
Right. And we didn't go all the
way. I'm not making that mistake
again. Why else would I
still be wearing the dress?
Okay.
Well, that makes all of this
a little bit less special.
When my dad had a breakdown,
my mom sent him to the country.
He says it's about basketball.
I don't want to wear it... I have to.
Well, you are giving me lots
of material for my memoir.
Oh. Oh, oh.
Okay, okay. Flat tire.
Girls, cover your ears.
Are you working Timmy
Sherman's sixth birthday, too?
Oh, no! It's for basketball.
Mount St. Gary's.
A Cinderella story?
Oh, yeah. I get it.
I got them in my bracket,
so don't take that off.
- No.
- Can I help you with that?
Yeah, thanks. Yeah.
Ow.
Is this yours?
Yes.
It fits.
It's perfect.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I can't believe it's only been two days,
because your dress is ripe.
All right. Come on, Gophers!
Come on! Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go!
We either win or lose this
game in the next ten seconds.
I know. Just think, in
the next ten seconds,
this could all be over.
Here, touch the hem of
my garment for good luck.
- No, I'm good. I'm good.
- Touch it, we need a miracle.
Two seconds to go.
Anderson takes the shot.
Unreal!
- From midcourt, he makes it.
- Oh! Yeah!
- And Mount St. Gary's is going
- Yes!
To the Sweet 16.
Great!
Oh! How lucky!
Another five days of this!
I know.
I know. My new driver's
license photo's gonna be ruined,
but it'll be worth it.
Oh, wow. It just keeps getting better.
Got a man wide open!
The alley-oop to Elbroke!
Oh, Elbroke slams it in!
And we got a buzzer beater!
Ooh, we got a big upset here!
He passes it off to Renfro.
Renfro shoots it from the...
It's caught at the the
three-pointer from way...
Heather!
Where is my dress?!
Which one?
Oh, don't you play coy with me.
You know that's just for buying cars.
Okay. I... I-I couldn't stand
to see you in a dress anymore, so
I threw the dress into
the Paretskys' backyard,
their dog saw it, came
over, cowered a little,
and then he had diarrhea all over it.
What?! Oh, Heather!
Not much of a watchdog.
What?
You... oh, Heather.
Another turnover by Mount St. Gary's,
who's down by 20 with time running out.
It wasn't the same
Gopher team out there.
It's as if they lost their mojo.
Not lost, Jim Nantz!
Their mojo was thrown out!
What a heartbreaking end...
What? I...
What's that, a gift?
You know, you can't buy
my forgiveness with a gift.
Unless it's a deep fryer.
Is that a deep fryer?
Do you really think a deep
fryer could fit into this box?
I don't know. I just
wanted something deep fried.
It's not a deep fryer.
But it'll make you feel just as fat.
A new Cinderella dress.
It's for next year. And...
to give us a little extra help,
I got a little something for myself.
This way, we can be ridiculous together.
_
You ever think there'll be
a day where the baby monitor
will wake us up by saying,
"Hello, Mom and Dad.
I am in need of assistance."
Yeah. Or like, "You know what,
I'll go to work. You guys stay
in and wet your pants all day."
Sign it, Greg!
Also, you have
to give me $14 for the gift.
We got the boss shot glasses
for every day of the week,
but Friday's is bigger.
Oh. Uh, no. This is, uh...
Sorry. You're gonna
have to come back to me.
It's too much pressure
to be the first to sign.
You handle thousands of dollars
in crowdfunding every day.
I think you can handle a birthday card.
Right.
Chase is in a bad mood.
He gave up carbs, dairy, and Sugar.
Oh, not sugar the food. Sugar
the woman who waters the plants.
His wife caught Chase fertilizing her.
Get it?
Yes.
Just... no pressure.
None.
Just... make it good.
Greg, your birthday wishes
are thoughtful,
poignant... and hilarious.
I'm not even sure what I wrote.
Well, it makes me want
to be a better man,
and it gives me a chubster
in the downstairs area.
Where's Mailroom Mark?
Here, sir.
I got some news for you.
Your mom was Copy Room Janet,
and you're my son.
Dad!
Oh!
You're so creative,
Greg. I'm tired of funding
other people's stupid dreams here.
It's time you crowdfund one of your own.
W... I-I've thought the same thing.
Of course you have. It's your fantasy.
Greg!
Greg, hurry up.
I've got some tilapia in the microwave.
I-I just... don't want
to make it seem like
I'm trying too hard.
Greg, is this your idea of a joke?
I...
I don't remember what I wrote.
That's him. You didn't write anything.
There's just a drawing here
of a man with a very large nose
and big, hairy eyes underneath.
Gross.
Chase, this has got
to be some sort of...
Oh, clean out your desk, Greg.
And don't bother coming home.
Mom?
Matt was always my favorite.
Dad.
I have no son.
No, Dad...
Hmm? Okay, I have one son.
It's over, Greg. I've moved on.
Coach Murray from middle school?
Should've climbed that rope, Greg.
'Cause now your wife is climbing mine.
You make me sick.
Greg. Greg. Greg!
Milly, will you please just
let me think, all right?
Your voice is so...
Wh... Where's that music coming from?
It's my ringtone.
Oh, God, it's my mom.
She's so annoying.
I kind of hate her. She has this voice
that's so high-pitched that
it's really, really irritating.
She sounds like a baby
crying. I don't really like
hanging out with her. She's
from Santa Fe, New Mexico...
Shh!
Why are you looking at me like that?
I've got an idea.
It took you long enough.
All right.
CriTunes? What the heck
- does that mean?
- It's a baby monitor, all right?
But it takes the cries of your baby
and it turns those grating cries
into soothing music.
Cri-Tunes.
CriTunes.
Yes!
What is this?
Oh, Mom!
I'm just not ready to be a
grandma yet, okay? You just...
you rip it like that. Hold this.
_
All right, I got to get behind
you and pretend that I'm you,
otherwise I can't tie this right.
Ah, there you go.
Got to do the same thing
with your cummerbund.
What?
Yeah.
You don't need to do my cummerbund.
- I know I don't need to,
- Oh.
But it's your prom,
And this is one of those things
that a dad really remembers.
Hey, Tim, whenever you're done
doing whatever it is you're
doing there, could I have
a minute alone with Tyler?
Looks like your mom
wants a turn with you.
Oh, you look so nice.
Okay.
For prom.
What is this?
Oh, Mom!
Okay, these are called condoms.
And you know your dad
likes to buy in bulk.
Well, he got these
before his vasectomy...
- Mom...
- I'm just not ready
to be a grandma yet, okay?
You just... you just rip
it like that... hold this.
Okay, if it breaks like
that, I will be a grandmother.
- Oh, what are you...
- Put 'em in your pockets.
I am going to miss
these moments with you.
Hi!
We're here for pictures!
Oh, look at you.
We don't need to capture this.
Oh, goodness.
How many girls are you going with?
Here, I'll... I'll help you clean up.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
Have you ever, you know,
seen one of these personally?
Hmm? John, get a banana.
Tyler doesn't know how to use a rubber.
Oh, you guys are weirding the kid out.
He's got a prom to go to.
Thanks, Pop-Pop.
Yeah.
Your mother and grandmother
have a problem with boundaries.
They don't know how to talk
to you like you're an adult.
But I do.
Let's talk about
how to get a girl's bra off
when you're kissing her neck.
What bra?
What is that?
This is Cheeto's girlfriend, Dorita.
She's here to show you the bases.
Seriously?
Every other kid just
gets the no-drinking talk.
Oh, no, no, you need to drink
or that thing's going to
go off like a Roman candle
before you even get your pants down.
You said it.
You look beautiful.
So do you.
- I got your corsage.
- Okay.
Sorry, um,
those are from my mom.
Isn't this great?
Didn't you love how every
single guy won Prom King
- and every single girl won Prom Queen?
- Yeah.
Yeah, our school is so inclusive.
It was perfect. Everything is perfect.
You're perfect.
Wow.
Come on.
Come here.
You know how I feel about you.
Me, too. And... you. Me.
And I think it's time
we take our relationship
to the next level.
Absolutely. Up we go.
I want to know that our souls
are gonna go to the
same place when we die.
Wow. This is intense.
I want us to be together
in every way possible.
Yes. In every way.
Or even in just one way.
That's why I want to give you this.
This ring is my promise
to keep myself pure
until the first time that I have sex...
on my wedding night.
Will you marry me?
_
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing in
here all by yourself?
Oh, God, you're watching porn.
No, I'm not watching porn.
Yet.
And also anymore.
- Ooh.
- No, I'm-I'm looking
at my Netflix history.
See, Colleen and I
still share a password,
so I can see firsthand
- how well she's doing without me. Look.
- Uh-huh.
Uh, sports documentaries.
Yeah. Colleen hates sports.
And she watched this one
on a Monday, which means
that not only is she seeing somebody,
but they're already at the point where
they're hanging out on Mondays and...
you know, watching Netflix.
Okay, well, listen, maybe
this is an opportunity
for you to get back out there, too.
You know? Maybe...
hop in the shower, give
hygiene the old college try.
I don't know, Jen. I
don't think I'm ready.
Okay. Well, maybe just
the shower part, then.
Uh, hey, Vanda.
Quick pregunta.
You're not seeing anyone
right now, are you?
Why do you ask?
I was wondering if maybe
you wanted to go on a
date with my brother-in-law
this Friday. I assumed
from your late-night
ice cream tweets that you were single.
No, I'm dating an
artisanal ice cream artist.
The pictures are part of our foreplay.
Okay, let's go back to
being small-talk friends.
Let's do that.
Uh, did I just hear
the chocolate and peanut butter
of "Friday" and "date"?
Dougie, hi.
Always a pleasure.
No, I was just, uh, I was
wondering if Vanda was free.
Well, I'm free.
What about me?
I like ice cream and foreplay.
But if I get going,
I'm gonna need a whole lot of one
and very little of the other.
Yeah, me, too.
I just thought that, um,
you were seeing someone.
He died.
- Oh.
- So, tell me about your brother-in-law.
Could he pick me up, like, physically?
If we were to get in a fight,
who do you think could win
between the two of us?
Uh... you.
Yeah.
I'm in!
Yeah?
Let's do this!
Okay.
Tell him to wear something smart...
no jeans, no tank
tops, no baseball caps.
I'm like a Puerto Rican nightclub.
You sure are.
This is so exciting.
I think it's very important
that you get back out there.
Yeah, it's also very important
that you manage expectations.
Dougie wasn't my first choice.
But she's my boss' daughter,
so I couldn't really say no.
- What does that mean?
- That she's,
yeah, uh, a little
rough around the edges.
Well, I don't care
if she's a pizza box with eyes.
He's going on a date.
You have given him the
greatest gift. Mwah.
Mom's right... I need to
get back up on the horse.
That's actually a really
good analogy in this case.
Hey-o! You must be Matt.
Dougie?
Yep, that's me.
Good God, you're like bones.
Jen did not tell me you were so scrawny.
Never dated a man I
couldn't share a belt with.
I haven't been eating a lot
since I got over this break-up...
Okay, save it for pillow talk.
Where's your ball and
where's your shoes?
I'm renting them.
Oh, God, okay.
Uh, I'll meet you at three.
I can't be seen with a renter.
This is super embarrassing.
Rookie mistake!
You always bring your own ball!
Come on!
Boo-yah!
Yeah.
X it out, Bony Island.
Whoa!
Final score.
218-47.
You suck!
And your tie's dumb.
Thank you.
Well, this has been a great night.
I've learned so much
about-about bowling,
Mm-hmm.
Its culture,
and the art of thawing meat.
Yeah, night's not over.
You still haven't met the steamer.
You say that and it makes me scared.
It's just my cat.
Oh, thank God.
My trouser cat.
What do you say? Come on over.
I've got an opening for one
with your little skinny name on it.
- Yeah, I just don't think
- Ooh!
that I'm in that place quite yet.
And also it seems like you hate me.
That's what makes it hot.
Right.
- Yeah, see,
- Headlocks!
I'm not really in that hate-sex phase.
Forget you then!
The night is still young.
I can still find a
business man in Chinatown
who likes a good steamed bun.
Pfft.
So, the date didn't go well?
If that's what's out there,
I don't want it.
- I could've lost a finger!
- I know, I'm sorry.
Maybe it's just not
possible to enjoy yourself
when you're still holding onto Colleen.
I'm not holding onto Colleen.
I'm not.
I haven't called her in a week.
I changed my relationship status.
I stopped trying to run
into her at the gym... I'm over her.
What did she watch
on Netflix last night?
White Chicks.
Well, she's got good taste.
You can't argue that.
Hi.
Hi. Wh-what are you doing here?
Just wanted to get you your stuff back.
Oh, okay. Right-right now?
Yeah, well, I, um...
- Sorry.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, look, I had always assumed
that we were gonna get back together.
Um, and, uh, I see
from the Netflix history
that you're dating someone,
so I think that it's time
that I let go of the
idea that you are the one.
Matt?
I-I'm not dating anybody.
What?
I'm not dating anybody.
But you're hanging out with somebody.
I mean, his truck is in your driveway.
Matt, how could I
possibly be hanging out
with somebody when,
when all I do is think about you?
I mean, this last month
has been the loneliest month of my life.
I should've never broken up with you.
I was, I was just scared.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I'd already
messed things up enough,
and I didn't want to hurt you anymore.
I'm sorry, I just feel like such a fool.
No, you're not the fool. I'm the fool.
Why?
Because I've been letting
you talk this whole time
when I should've just done this.
You still haven't explained
the Netflix history
- or the truck in the driveway.
- Oh, that.
Um, Chad rented out his room to someone
- on his legal team. Mm-hmm.
- Oh.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Oh, right on, I mean, he seems
kind of like nice and quiet...
Sorry the hammock broke!
Oh, my God, no.
Yeah, that's, uh, Dougie.
- My new roommate.
- Can't breathe.
Well, look what the cat
trouser dragged back in.
Oh, you know each other.
Okay.
Okay.
_
What's up?
What? What's-what...?
What?
What is that music?
Are we listening to the
funeral home station?
No, we're listening to my prototype.
Wha...?
Yeah, it's turning Lark's cries
into soothing music.
May I present: CryTunes.
Yeah. I posted it at my work.
We're live, baby,
and raising funds.
Oh, so you are
crowdfunding your own idea.
Yeah.
See, got a little description,
and these are all the
rewards that backers can get.
"$100,
personalized mixtape."
Well, yeah, I mean,
I'm the king of those.
So what do you think?
Who? Oh, me?
Um...
You don't like it.
I...
You know what, it feels a little bit
like I'm, like, shopping for curtains
at a high-end outdoor mall.
Well, uh, you can change the music.
Huh?
No. No, no, no.
Well, no, I mean, you can...
it can be any kind of music.
It doesn't have to be...
- Yeah, not this one.
- It doesn't have to be these two,
but the music will keep going
as long as Lark keeps crying.
Greg, L-Lark is crying.
- No, no. No, Lark is crying.
- Oh.
Yeah, she's a living baby.
Sorry!
Yes! 25%.
Take that, documentaries about anime.
Hey, babe. What are you doing here?
Um, I came for my mixtape.
You donated?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I was... I was
feeling bad about this morning.
I feel like I gave your
idea lukewarm support,
and it should have been hot, you know?
It should have been a
steaming pile of hot support.
So you believe in it?
Honestly, more than anything, I...
was thinking about how
much I believe in you.
Thank you, honey.
Now, if you believe in me
just a hundred bucks more,
your reward is a caricature.
Now, I can give you
big eyes or big boobs.
Which do you want?
I draw 'em both the same.
30%!
Hey, there, Greg.
Saw you posted something
on our Web site.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you can still get
in on the ground floor,
you know, get rich.
I'm already rich. See, here's the thing.
Posting your own product is,
uh, it's a conflict of interest.
You know, it's like, uh...
oh, it's like taking
your sister-in-law
to a drive-in movie
and getting her drunk
on a little apple wine
and making out with her...
and-and then regretting it later.
It's just not done.
But, uh, we-we... we're-we're 50% funded
in-in just under three hours.
I mean, even the ball wipe guys,
it-it took them a month to do that.
The creators of
Cleanuts don't work here.
They smoke weed and throw
food at each other's balls.
That's how they came up with the idea.
Are you saying the entire
time that I work here,
I can't do anything creative ever?
I'm not saying that.
I want people to be creative.
If you want to, you know, mix
flavors at the soda fountain
or bring in a jigsaw puzzle,
I think it'd be great.
The point is I would take
it down, if I were you,
but that's just me.
You dig?
Anyway, I'm just glad Greg's
feeling inspired, you know?
I mean, aside from Lark and
our smoke alarm going off
every time we cook a steak,
there's really not much
excitement in our house.
Well... that's about to change.
Uh, what's up?
Hi.
Uh, you're-you're home early.
Yeah, well, um, I got some big news.
Uh, so-so do I. Um...
Yeah, well, let me go
first, 'cause I'm taller.
So CryTunes has reached
twice its funding goal
in its first day.
Wow, that-that's amazing.
And how would you feel about
me maybe quitting my job
to focus solely on... on CryTunes?
And before you answer, know that
I may have already quit my job.
You-you... you "may
have" quit your job?
I quit my job.
There were ultimatums
given, uh, of a legal nature
I-I don't want to bore you with...
I'm a lawyer, Greg.
But after you came in,
it just really pumped me up, you know?
And-and I can't do this without you,
so I know it's gonna
be hard around here.
You know, we're gonna have
to tighten some belts...
Actually, I think I'm
gonna have to loosen mine.
I'm pregnant.
Whatever happened to Murph?
Oh, Murph. Hell of a pilot.
He died at an airshow.
Oh, damn. Damn. A daredevil, though.
No, he choked on a funnel cake.
_
John was there from the beginning,
when Karyl and I first
worked the same flight.
Yeah, I remember that.
Carol was my copilot,
and Karyl with a "K" was a stewardess.
Uh, I remember I asked
'em to bring some nuts
up to the cockpit, but
they were in the lav.
And-and, you know, nuts were
the last thing on their mind.
Hey, Aunt Carol.
- Hi!
- Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Congratulations on your wedding.
Isn't it wonderful, honey?
Over 35 years,
and now they can make it legal.
And now you can, too, huh?
What's that?
Nothing.
Oh.
What? What is it, Mom?
Oh, it-it... it's wine, honey.
Okay, what-what's happening?
Why will no one make
eye contact with me?
Aunt Carols?
Fasten your seatbelt, hon.
Okay, you guys, come
on, I'm a grown-up.
Whatever it is, I can handle this.
Your mother and I aren't married.
Mommy?
Honey, it was 1980.
Carol and Karyl couldn't get married,
so your dad and I divorced in protest.
So you've been divorced for 35 years?
Uh, yeah.
We've always been very
married in our hearts,
which is all that matters.
This explains so much.
This is... I'm a child of divorce.
This is why I lick
doorknobs, this is why...
Wait, do Matt and Greg know about this?
We thought it best
not to tell all of you,
- so, please, don't bother your brothers...
- Matt!
- Oh, Heather, please.
- Matt!
She never was my best listener.
Mmm.
Colleen, we work together...
Matt!
Matt...
Uh, am I interrupting something?
Huh? No. What's up?
I have got some news
that is going to shake you to...
Okay, can you please turn her around?
Yeah.
Okay,
Mom and Dad got a divorce,
and they never told us.
What?
Yeah.
Is this my fault?
Oh, no, no, it's not your fault.
Am I going to have to choose
whose garage to move into?
Now, whatever happened to Murph?
Oh, Murph. Hell of a pilot.
He died at an airshow.
Oh, damn. Damn. A daredevil, though.
No, he choked on a funnel cake.
Oh...
You know, for all the times you guys
judged me for getting divorced.
At least I told people, or, you know,
they saw the cop car in the
front yard and just assumed.
All right, the only way to handle this
is you have to get remarried.
Right now.
You know, I think
you're both overreacting.
Overreacting?
We now come from a broken home.
I'm probably going to end
up becoming a stripper.
Yeah.
Well, look, it didn't affect anything.
Honestly, we just forgot.
Well, we didn't both forget.
Yeah, we didn't want to
disrupt the family over this.
Oh, so-so-so all this time,
you just... you stayed
divorced for the kids?
Yeah!
You're such a wonderful family.
Karyl is just glowing.
I'm happy for you both.
Cheers.
Are you a little jealous?
No!
A little bit?
I mean, I always thought
we'd get remarried,
but it doesn't matter.
It's never too late.
Ask him to marry you.
I'd never do that.
I asked Karyl.
We were flying back from Guatemala.
Customs asked me
if I had anything to declare.
I said, "Six cartons of cigarettes
and the love of this good woman."
Wonderful.
Liars!
Well... they just told Greg.
When did they divorce?
1980.
- 1980?
- Yeah.
No.
I-I-I was born in 1981.
Uh...
which means...
I'm a...
bastard.
Oh, oh, oh.
God, it almost makes it worth it.
You old bastard.
You're playing with an app
that changes your hairstyle.
Hey, look at this handsome guy.
_
Oh, man, I am so glad I got this thing.
This way, I can look
at my patients' files
and I can video conference
with my fellow doctors.
You're playing with an app
that changes your hairstyle.
Well, that may not seem important
to able-haired people like
yourself, but to me, it is.
Ugh, I don't know how you
can sit there and do that
knowing that my parents'
marriage is a complete fraud.
It's not a fraud.
It was just a lie
that they told you for your entire life.
Hey, check out this handsome fella.
God, put it away.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, hey, sweetie!
How was school?
Same stuff, different day.
Oh...
How was Samantha's Student
of the Month ceremony?
Oh, God. Oh, no.
I should've known something
was wrong when I had free time!
No mother with free
time is a good mother!
Come on, maybe we can still make it.
You can't. It was hours ago.
- Maybe there's a chance!
- There's no chance.
Maybe the speeches ran long.
- Come on, let's go. Ow!
- Oh!
Oh, honey! Honey, you okay?
- Here, come on. Come on.
- Aah!
- We gotta go. Hang onto me. Hang onto me.
- Huh-uh. Huh-uh.
- Yes, you can. Yes.
- I can't... I can't make it.
I-I had two lunches.
- Go on without me!
- No! Honey,
I would never go on without you.
I want you to be there so
you can share the blame.
Oh!
There she is! You looked so great
up there, sweetie.
I'm so sorry we couldn't stay
and give you a hug and a ride home,
but your dad, he hurt his ankle
- and we had to rush out.
- Yeah.
I know you weren't there.
What's that?
I was the only kid
without a proud parent
holding up a cell phone.
- It was humiliating.
- Sam...
Sam, Sam, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, yes. You're right.
We-we weren't there.
And the real reason
that we weren't there
was because...
we were out buying you this.
Hey, hey... Hey, hip,
hooray! Hip, hooray!
I thought you said
I couldn't have one of
my own until I was 16.
Well, that was before
we were so proud of you.
Thank you! I love it!
Oh, I love you, honey.
Uh, use the railing.
It's not just there for decoration, now.
Yeah, so, enjoy!
What are you doing? That was mine!
What? Oh, come on. That
was an epic parent fail.
You have to do something
big to make up for that.
I've made a list of all the
things you've missed of mine.
Hope the birth isn't on there.
Uh, okay. "One ballet rehearsal,
two soccer games..."
I figure that all of this
is worth an overnight trip to Disneyland
with a souvenir and a giant turkey leg.
Oh, those turkey legs...
I'll go get started on the hotel rez.
Do you see the lessons
that we teach them
when we try to buy their forgiveness?
You know what? You are right.
You are absolutely right.
We have to take that tablet back.
What? No. Then she'll hate us.
Yeah, that's how we know
that we're being good parents.
Then I don't want to be a good parent.
So we made two mistakes today.
We forgot your award,
and then we tried to buy your
forgiveness, which is worse.
We're sorry.
I understand.
Oh, great, 'cause we're
gonna have to take this back.
What are you... what
are you doing? Mom...
Wait, wait, wait. Before
you get upset again,
just know that we are going to
celebrate your accomplishments
with something better
than an old tablet,
you know?
Dinner!
Weren't you going
to feed me dinner anyway?
No, out. Tonight.
Anywhere you want.
Fine.
I want to go to that vegan place
that gives Dad the trots.
Hmm, hmm...
And I want to bring all my friends.
Yeah! Yeah, yeah. Great.
We will go to the restaurant
that gives your dad the trots
and we will watch you and your
friends text for two hours.
Really?
Yeah.
This is going to be awesome.
Okay, I took a preemptive Imodium.
Let's do this.
Okay. Come on, Sophia.
We're gonna take Sam
and her friends out to dinner.
You can't take Sam
and her dumb friends to dinner.
Tonight is the party for
Uncle Matt and Colleen's book.
- Oh, sh...
- Seriously?!
Here, we got you this.
_
This is such a good book.
Oh, thank you.
You know, I have an idea
for a children's book.
Oh.
I-I went bald when I was really young
and I sucked at football
and my only friend was my beagle.
So what about a story like that?
You mean like Charlie Brown?
Colleen, uh... we worked together.
We made a book together.
Now I want to make a life together.
Will you marry me?
I liked the last one better,
when you compared her to a river.
Powerful stuff.
Whatcha doing?
I'm sucking out these donut guts
and putting them back in.
And no one's the wiser.
Hey, Soph.
- Hmm?
- What you just heard...
I need you to keep that quiet, okay?
And I need you to put
these donut carcasses
back on the buffet table.
You got yourself a deal.
Hi, Mom!
Hi, Joanie, sweetheart.
I'm sorry I'm late,
but my Uber got caught in traffic.
Oh.
Hello, I'm Huber.
He's my boyfriend.
Oh, of course he is.
I told him if he wants to marry me,
he's got to buy me a ring.
Because my grandson
called dibs on mine.
What?
He did?
I got to keep my trap shut.
Mom, get something to eat.
And I'll be right back.
I just have
to find, um, somebody.
All right.
GiGi just told me about the ring.
Oh, no.
You don't have to tell me
what's going on, but if you're proposing
to Colleen, just blink.
Mom, I got to blink.
- I got to... no!
- You're proposing!
Please, please, please
don't say anything, okay?
I waited until this book signing
so I could do it on a night
that's special to both of us.
Oh, it will be special.
And I know your dad and
I aren't married, honey,
but that doesn't mean marriage
isn't a beautiful thing.
And you two, you... you
just belong together.
Thank you, Mom.
All right, I got to go
get the ring from GiGi.
Oh, she thinks her
nurse is her boyfriend,
so just go along with it, you know,
so she doesn't make a scene like she did
when they canceled Walker, Texas Ranger.
Right.
- Here you go.
- What?
No, have you forgotten I can't drink?
Oh, right, well, I could drink for two.
Yeah, okay, just give it to me.
I'm gonna pretend.
I don't want to tip off your sister.
She's like a bomb-sniffing
dog for pregnant women.
- Hey!
- Hi.
Getting your drink on?
You know it.
Oh, my God, I'm thirsty!
Oh, thank God.
Hi.
Oh! There he is!
My grandson, the famous artist.
Hi, GiGi.
I am so proud of you and your book.
Oh, thank you. Do you like it?
No.
I like stories that have
a message about manners
and justice Texas-style.
Okay, uh, GiGi, uh, did
you bring me anything?
Oh, I almost forgot.
Don't let Huber see you talking to me.
He fills with jealousy and rage.
Got it.
All right, here we go.
Get your camera ready.
I am so excited.
I thought this day would never come.
Me, neither.
Okay, everyone, uh,
can we have your attention?
Uh, thanks, son. I'll take it from here.
Dad, uh, what are you doing?
There's something I should've
done a long time ago.
Joanie, would you come
up here for a moment?
No, honey, I'm sure whatever
this is, it can wait.
No, it's waited long enough.
Uh, Joan Pirkle Short,
you're not my wife
and you're not my ex-wife,
but you're my soul mate.
And I believe that...
- Hmm?
- keeping it fresh
keeps it special.
- Okay.
- Joanie?
Will you marry me again?
Yes.
Again.
Are you kidding me?
A toast, a toast to Mom and Dad!
Hear, hear!
What's wrong with you?
I'll tell you in a
minute. Okay, everybody.
Can, uh, can we sit down, please?
Wow, that was a surprise, huh?
We weren't expecting that.
But, uh, I tell you what,
that's-that's not the only big news
that we have today.
Um, uh...
Baby! Baby!
Jen's pregnant!
Son of a bitch.
Surprise.
Ooh, another grandbaby!
We wanted to wait to tell you
until I got my job back, but...
You lost your job?
Yeah.
He's an inventor now.
Okay, all right.
Anybody else got any, uh,
big announcements to make?
Bombshells to drop? Surprises?
No? Everyone's good?
Okay. Oh, hey, Tyler.
What about you? You got anything?
We got married.
What?
Is this a joke?
No, this ring is no joke.
Thanks, GiGi.
Tyler got the ring?
You are way too young to be married!
Why-why aren't you saying anything?
He can't hear you. He just got laid.
Yeah, why isn't everyone
doing it all the time?
GiGi?
Cuff links.
To remember this night by.
Don't sell them for grass.
Okay.
You okay?
Huh? Oh, yeah, the hell with it.
Don't even want to do it anymore.
What? What are you talking about?
Do what? Do what anymore?
Ask you to marry me.
You were gonna ask me to marry you?
Yeah, but who cares now? It's stupid.
I mean, I'm just gonna
look like a copycat.
Matt?
What?
Come with me.
Okay.
Okay, this obviously
didn't go the way that I planned,
but nothing about us has.
I love you.
And that is one thing
that has not changed.
And it never will.
Colleen Brandon Ortega?
This floor is wet.
Oh.
Um,
will you do me the honor of...
man, I really hope this is water...
of, uh,
making me the happiest man on Earth
for the rest of my life?
A pair of chicken cuff links?
It's us.
Please marry me.
Yes!
Yes! I love you.
I love your whole crazy family.
I love all of it. I love you.
Yes!
If this is gonna go past kissing,
I'm just gonna sneak out of here.
Guys?
We're engaged.
Can someone stop this?
She's so old.
Wow.
That was not
the reaction I expected.
I guess that is her boyfriend.