Letterkenny (2016–…): Season 5, Episode 5 - Back to Back to Back - full transcript
The Hockey Players try to win their first championship and Stewart is visited by some old friends.
We?went?shopping?for?a?whiskey night?the?other?day.
That's?a?big?fuck-off?bottle of?Gus?N'?Bru.
It's?better?to?be?looking at?it?then?looking ????for?it.
You?boys?getting into?it?tonight?
Yeah,?it's?a?Texas-sized ten-four.
That's?a?Texas-sized two-six.
That's?a?Texas?Micky,
super?shooters, let's?get?cracking.
Wayne.
What's?the?problem, Katy?
It?happened?again. What?did?
Gus?left?a?Mr. ?Big on?the?floor ?????this?morning.
No,?he?never.
He?dropped?a?Hershey?bar in?the?living?room ?just?last?Tuesday,
although?upon?closer?inspection,
it?did?look?more?like a?Hershey's?mint.
Well,?I'd?sooner?believe that?was?you,?Squirrelly?Dan.
So?watch?how?you?speak?on?his?name, you?know?
Hey,?buddy... ?He?left
a?Twix?on?the?floor just?yesterday.
And?what?made?it?a?Twix as?opposed?to?a?Big?Turk,?Dary?
Well,?there?were two?of?'em.
They're?identical,????and?they're?side by?each.
Over?and?out. ??How?would?you?ask?somebody if?you?wanted?just
one?of?their?Twix's?
Well,?just?what?you?said. "Can?I?have?one?of?your?Twix's?"
No,?it'd?be... "Could?I?have?a?Twick?"
In?any?event,?it's?starting
to?look?like?Willy?Wonka's emptying?his?pockets
around?your?house, good?buddy.
Now,?you's?realize??????the?weight?of these?allegations.
These?accusations.
Can?confirm.
And?you's?realize ?????the?consequences?at?hand
should?your?claim?be?false.
Claims?is's?this. Can?confirm's.
I'll?only?give?you's one?more?chanceto?retract.
No?questions?asked.
Before?this?conversation becomes?a?confrontation.
We?wouldn't?be?bringing?it
to?you?if?it?weren't?worth ??????being?brought'en.
-But...
-Bring?it?on.
Oh,?it?has?been?broughten.
I'm?just?kidding?around.
He's?a?ten-year-old?boy,?now.
He's?made?me?proud for?a?goddamn?decade.
He's?been?a?real?good?bo.
He's?been?such?a?bo.
But?he's?a?senior?now.
He's?on?the?home?stretch,
and?I'm?trying?to?let?himenjoy?it.
Snoozin'?on?the?furniture, lots?of?human?food.
Leash?is?so?long?now, she's?limp.
And?he's?earned?it.
So?you're?just?gonna
let?him?drop?Baby?Ruth's all?over?the?house?
As?opposed?to?what,?Katy?
Just?give?him a?real?good,?stern ??????talking?to.
Oh,?yeah,?and?how's that?gonna?shake?down?
He's?probably half?fuckin'?deaf.
Aren't?you, you?fuckin'?geezer?
The?same?way?it?shook?down ??for?the?last?decade?before
you?stopped?disciplining?him,
just?'cause?he's?old.
Okay,?Katy. Katy,?okay,?I'm?going?in.
Wish?me?luck.
All?right,?was?that?you
leaving?Crispy?Crunchers all?over?the?floor?
'Cause?that's?a?bad?dog,
don't?you?do?that?again, ?????that's?bad.
Lickety-split.
Ah,?that's?a?wee?bit aggressive.
Oh?is?that?what I'm?being,?Dary?
Well,?that's?your?pal you're?talking?to?over?there,
fairly?accusatory.???I'd?say?give?him
benefit?of?the?doubt.
I?wouldn't. Well,?you?didn't?even?ask him?if?he?did?it?there.
You?just?assumed, I?think?you're?better ??than?that.
Okay,?Dary. ?Dary,?okay, I'm?going?back?in,wish?me?luck.
Aye.
Was?that?you?leaving Jersey?Milks?on?the?floor?
Because?that's?bad,??if?that?was?you, that?was?bad.
Don't?you?do?that???again?ever, 'cause?I'll?be?there.
You're?not?taking this?seriously.
Oh,?is?that?what I'm?not?doing,?Katy?
No,?you're?joking?around and?he?knows?it.
It's,?"Bad?boy, this?is?a?bad?boy."
Hey,?he?knows?thatI'm?joking?but?he?doesn't
know?that?you're?joking.
Don't?say?"bad" unless?you?mean?bad.
I'm?sorry,?Gus.
That's?okay,?he's?a?good?boy, he's?such?a?boy.
Why?don't?you?just?try ???using?your?real?voice?
It?may?permeate?better.
Okay,?Katy. ?Katy,?okay, I'm?going?back?in.
Wish?me?luck.
Hey,?bud.
I?noticed?that?you've
been?leaving?Caramilks all?over?the?floor,
you?know?what's?gonna ????happen?
Someone's?gonna ????step?on?one?in?the?night
and?take?a?header, ??someone's?gonna?pull
a?full?gainer?down?the?stairs.
Or?at?the?very?least, a?half?gainer.
So?what?you?wanna?do is?do?that?outside ????like?a?good?boy.
Please?and?thanks.
I?thinks?we're?almost?there.
Oh,?is?that?where we?almost?are,?Squirrelly?Dan?
Now,?Professor?Tricia?says
that?when?you're?bringing a?complaints?to?someone,
they'll?be?more?receptive to?altering?their?behavior
if?you?make?it your?problem.
Make?it?personal??????rather?than?placing
the?blames?on?them.
What?are?you?fuckin'???getting?on?about over?there?
May?I's? Okay,?Dan. ?Dan,?okay.
Go?on?in,?good?luck.
Gus,?how?are?you?now?
Now,?we've?all?noticed
the?Coffee?Crisps?around?the?house,
and?that's?completely ???natural?and?nothing?for?youse
to?be?embarrassed?about.
But?I?am?quite?worriedI?am?going?to?slip?on?one
and?take?a?full?gainer,
or... ?Please?look at?me?when?I'm?talking,?Gus.
Now,?while?I?know that?that?is?my?problem,
I?know?you?don't?want this?to?happen?any?more ?????than?I?do.
So?I'm?hoping?we?can ??works?together?to?find
a?resolution?to?this?problem.
But?besides?that,?we?want?you ??to?know ,
we?think?you're?doing ??a?terrific?job?around?here
and?we?don't?want ????to?bothers?you?anymore than?we?needs?to,
so?you?have?yourself a?great?day.
I'm?not?going?to?make?you
sit?through?that?butt-fuckery, ??Bud,?away?you?go.
You're?a?good?boy, away?you?go.
Away?you?go.
Look,?I?know?he's?just snoozing?on?the?furniture ??all?day,
but?you?take?him?out for?routine?number?twos.
Ten-four?
You?try?taking?him?out, Katy,?he?don't?wanna.
You?can?say,?????"Hey,?Gus, wanna?rock?one?"
And?if?he?could?talk, ?he'd?say,
"I've?had?to?rock?one for?a?good?seven,?eight?hours.
"Don't?worry?about that?right?now.
"I'm?gonna?grab?another ?????quick?20 ,
25?shut-eye?here, ?????we'll?circle?back
"on?the?conversation?later.
"But?how?about?some?good
itchings?and?scratchings ???in?the?meantime?"
Whoo!
Smells?like?Mr. ?Wonka's
just?emptied?his?pockets ?in?the?other?room.
Fuck.
Well,?everybody?up, help?me?look.
Better?to?be?looking?at?it, than?looking?for?it,?eh?
Ladies. Women.
It?has?come?to?our?attention ?that?there?may?be?a?young?man
who?has?come?between?you?girls.
I?mean... How?do?you?mean?
Well,?Betty-Anne, Mary-Anne.
We?were?told?that?you may?be?going?for ??the?same?guy.
Or,?or?that?the?same
guy?may?be?going for?both?of?you.
Impossible. How?do?you?mean?
The?last?guy?that?was into?Mary-Anne?was?the?priest
at?Catholic?school?in?grade?six.
And?only?'cause?he?thought she?was?a?boy.
Well?done,?Betty-Anne. Catholic?school,?grade?six.
Isn't?that?the?same?year
you?got?the?nickname "Fisted?Sister"?
Which?you?gave?yourself?
Ladies. "Women."
And?a?fitting?nickname it?was,?Betty-Anne.
Your?mitt?looks?like??a?boa?constrictor unhinged?its?jaw
in?an?effort?to?consume a?combat?submarine.
Speaking ??????of?consumption,
your?mitt?looks?like the?drooping?jowls ???of?a?shar-pei
with?a?palsy and?a?water?wing ?????in?its?mouth.
Your?mitt?looks?like ????the?back?of?Kelsey?Grammer's
head?circa?Frasier?'94
if?the?cast?each?autographed ???his?bald?spot
with?multi-colored?lipsticks.
Your?mitt?has?more spiderwebs?than?a?No?Doubt
set?list,?Mary-Anne.
Betty-Anne,?your?mitt ??is?so?dusty ,
I?can?hear?it ??singing?Son?of?a?Preacher?Man.
We've?gotta?go????to?the?source,?buddy.
It's?our?only?hope,?buddy.
Ferda.
I'm?not?helping?you tit-fuckers?or?those?twats.
Give?your?balls??a?tug.
We're?at?the?bottom of?the?line?here,?Shoresy.
You?wanna?talk?about lines,?you?fuckin'?loser?
I?woke?up?to?your?mum
rippin'?dick-dingers off?my?foreskin,
tell?her?to?keep her?hands?off?my?scoops.
Fuck?you, Shoresy.
Fuck?you,?Jonesy, I?made?your?mum?cumso?hard
they?made?a?Canadian ?Heritage?Minute?out?of?it?and
Don?McKellar?played?my?dick.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy. Fuck?you,?Reilly.
I?made?your?mum?so?wet,
Trudeau?deployed?a?24-hour ???infantry?unit
to?stack?sand?bags around?my?bed.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you?both, ?????your?lives?are?so fuckin'?pathetic,
I?ran?a?charity?15K ???to?raise?awareness?for?it,
you?fuckin'?losers.
Where?is?he? ??????He?was?supposed?to?be here?an?hour?ago.
Everyone?stay?composed .
I'm?going?to?sever?Everett's phalanges?one?by?one,
and?force-feed?them to?him,?fondue?style.
Your?terms?are not?acceptable,?Roald.
I'm?going?to?rip?off ??his?ears?and?use?them
to?tickle?his?taint.
Oh,?Jesus?Christ.
I'm?going?to?scalp ??him?of?his?skin ,
wear?it ??like?a?costume,?and?perform.
The?Rocky?Horror?Picture
Show?in?its?entirety, ????while?he?watches.
I?need?to?lie?down.
The?end?is?nigh.
Stewart!
Would?you?come?down here,?please?
Everett.
Hey,?dude.
Did?you?hear all?of?that?
Bits?and?pieces,?something?about a?picture?show?in?the?Rockies.
Everett.
Give?me?the...
Stewart.
Glen?
Stewart.
Glen. This?is...
No?it's?not! an?intervention.
Roald. Stewart...
Roald!
Stewart.
Unhand?Roaldie.
Come.
Sit.
Stay.
But...
But...
Oh,?I?like?you.
You're?coming with?me?and?Glen.
Where?
To?a?place?where you?can?get?away.
Yeah.
You?can't?mean... Oh,?yes,?Stewart.
You?don't?mean... Yes,?Stewart.
No! Stewart...
You're?going?to?rehab.
No! Yes.
No. Yes.
No!
Yes.
Ladies.
Women.
Sorry. lt's?okay.
Um,?we?spoke?with Shoresy.
You?did? And?
And?he,?um... What?
He?said... What?
He?said?you?suck at?hockey.
Huh?Yeah,?he?said you?should?stick
to?Ringette. Huh?
Yeah,?he?said?that?youshould?never?ever?let
a?woman?do?a?man's?job.
He?did? Yeah.
I?was?standing?there?like, "What?is?this?guy?saying?"
And?then?he?said, "Who?let?the?broads?out ?of?the?kitchen?"
He?did?not. Yeah.
And?we?were?like, "What?
"You?can't?say?that." And?he's?like,
"Yeah,?I?can. ?They?should?be making?me?my?supper."
And?I?was, "Whoa,?dude."
Did?he? Yeah.
I?mean,?we're?like, "Dude,?you're?crazy."
Then?he?said,?"I?mean, how'd?they?find?time ????for?hockey,
"while?they're?cleaning the?floors?and?doing ?my?laundry."
Did?he? Yeah,
and?that's?not?even...
That's?not?even the?craziest?part.
Like?we?were... And?believe?us,
we?had?had?enough?????at?this?point ,
but?????we?were?like,
"Are?you?sure about?this?"
And?he?was?like,??????"Anybody?can?go back-to-back."
Yeah,?and?we're?like, ?"Dude ,
you?better?stop ?talking?about?those?girls
"like?that." Mmm.
"Better?stop?talking about?those?women ???like?that."
But?he?said,?"Talk?to?me when?they?go?back-to-back...
"to-back."
That's?what?he?said.
Mary-Anne. Betty-Anne.
What?rhymes?with hip,?lip?and?dip?
Ship.???What?rhymes?with coat,?note?and?tote?
Boat.??Why?don't?you?say you,?me?and?the?girls
put?another?one on?the?water?
Back-to-back-to-back!
You're?driving. Would?if?I?could, ????but?I?can't.
Okay. ?????You?boys?leaning into?one?tonight?
Well,?it's?better?to
be?looking?at?it than?looking?for?it.
How?about?our very?own?Shamrockettes?
Playing?for the?fuckin'?'ship.
When?a?local?team?plays
for?the?championship, ????that's?something
the?whole?town can?get?behind.
Creates?a?pretty?good sense?of?community,?too.
And?a?series?sweeps, no?less.
A?wee?bit of?Meryl?Sweep.
Sweep?in wolf's?clothing.
The?lion?sweeps?tonight.
Drive?safe.
Stewart?gets?out ?of?rehab?today, so?I'm?keeping?it?local.
Pitter-patter.
Wayne. Dwayne.
Daryl. Cheryl.
Dan. Pam.
See?youse?brought?your?brooms.
Shop's?nothing?but?a?couple side-roads?down,?though.
Oh,?youse?didn't?hear?We're?working?for
Sweep?Country?Canada?now.
Don't?fear?the?sweeper.
Why?don't?you?use those?brooms?and?show?us
that?little?dance those?fellows?do ??in?Mary?Poppins?
If?we?offer?you?a?beer??are?we?sweeping
with?the?enemies,?or...
You?should've?used?those?brooms
to?sweep?the?cobwebs?off of?Letterkenny's?trophy?case.
Well,?it's?good?you?got the?beer?sorted,
but?is?that?Donegal tap?water?still?stinky,?or...
Youse?got?a?liberal amount?of?beer?there,
not?sure?it's?gonna?be enough?to?drown?your?sorrows
after?we?shit-kick?youse?today.
Youse?are?on?the?brink of?elimination,
read?it?and?sweep. Hey.
Win?or?lose,?youse?guys have?still?got?the?most ?ostrich-fuckers
per?capita,?right?
That's?the?big?picture.
Allegedlys.
Bet?you?wish?you?could ?put?your?head?in?the?sand
and?ignore?that?one,?huh?
May?the?best?town?win.
Ladies. None?finer?than?you, ??Mary-Anne.
Women.
None?more?admirable than?you,?Betty-Anne.
We've?overcome?adversity.
Found?a?way?to?win.
Let's?get?this?fucking?win, let's?get?this?fucking?sweep!
And?let's?get?this???luxury?fucking
sea?liner?on?the?lake!
League?final,?buddy. Game?four,?buddy.
Suits?on?deck. What?could?go?wrong?
Shoresy? Give?your?balls?a?tug.
Shoresy! Tit-fuckers.
We?heard?what?you?said about?us,?you?sack?of?shit.
"Never?let?a?woman?do a?man's?job,"?huh?
Watch?this,?we're?just?taking
a?break?from?cooking and?cleaning?to?win
back-to-back-to-back 'ships,?asshole.
I'll?make?you?a?sandwich afterwards,?though,
I'll?shove?it?up your?ass?for?you,?too.
You?two?are?the?silliest ??????twats?I've?ever?met
in?my?whole?fuckin'?life.
I?didn't?say?any???of?that?shit, you?dumb?broads.
But?I?did?say?your?breath
could?stop?a?Mack?Truck, ??????Betty-Anne,
I'll?tell?that?to?anyone who?will?listen.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you,?Betty-Anne,
your?breath?is?an existential?crisis,
made?me?question my?whole?fuckin'?life.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you,?Mary-Anne,?you?got?legs?on?you like?redwoods,
you?could?box-jump a?bungalow.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you,?Reilly,???your?mum?groped?me
two?Halloweens?ago,
shut?the?fuck?up or?I'll?take?it?to?Twitter.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
You're?a?horrible fuckin'?ref.
Fuck?you,?Jonesy,??take?a?look?at?me,
I'm?not?even?a?ref,
I'm?a?fuckin'?linesman, ?????but?you?can?referee?on
my?nuts,?you?piece?of?shit.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy!
I'd?still?smash?you?both if?I?was?bored,
but?Reilly?and?Jonesy's mums?get?too?jealous.
Make?yourselves?useful, grab?me?a?bag?ofdill?picklers.
Good?luck,?you?fuckin'?losers.
Let's?stick?it to?that?fuck.
Literally?and?figuratively.
Who?the?fuck skates?like?that?
Stewart's?recovery has?been...
Remarkable.
He?is?almost...
Unrecognizable.
Are?you?ready?
Ready!
Calm?down,?Roald.
Stewart!
Fuck?the?wave,?????????pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.
I?remember?when you?could?smoke?in?here.
Yeah,?we're?gonna?smoke youse?in?here,?bud.
Came?here?to?do two?things,
launch?this?broom?on?the?ice ???and?drink ,
and?the?gal?at?the ???bar?just?told?me?I'm?cut?off.
Your?gals?look?slower than?my?tractor,
of?course,?mine's got?a?HEMI?in?her.
Your?gals?are?having a?tougher?time
finding?the?puck than?NHL?on?Fox circa?1996.
I've?seen?more hustle?in?chess.
Still?no?heaters?in?here, ???eh?
I?remember?Letterkenny ???mounting?the?50.
Let's?go,?Shamrockettes!
Let's?go,?Shamrockettes!
Let's?go,?Shamrockettes.
Pass?to?me!
Okay,?ladies... "Women."
Hurry?up?and?score ???a?fuckin'?goal?already ,
I'm ???getting?the?bedtime?sillies.
Fuck?off,?Shoresy, give?us?our?time-out.
Fuck?you,?Reilly,???tell?your?mum to?give?me?a?time-out.
The?last?time?I?tried?that,
she?threatened?to?take ?????a?header?on?me
into?an?empty?pool at?the?Quality?Suites.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy, leave?us?alone.
Fuck?you,?Jonesy,???????tell?your?mum to?leave?me?alone,
she's?been?laying
in?my?fuckin'?water?bed since?Labor?Day.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you?all, ?????your?lives?are?so?sad,
I?get?a?charity?tax?break
just?for?hanging?out with?you.
Nice?sweep,?no?sweep, give?your?balls?a?tug.
Enough?fuckin'?around. Let's?do?this.
Shamrockettes!
We?did?it,?buddy.
Can't?believe?it,?buddy.
We?won ?????a?fuckin'?'ship.
We?bought that?boat.
Hmm.
Yeah,?it's?Mum.
Mine?too. Probably?wanna?say ????congratulations.
That's?a?big?fuck-off?bottle of?Gus?N'?Bru.
It's?better?to?be?looking at?it?then?looking ????for?it.
You?boys?getting into?it?tonight?
Yeah,?it's?a?Texas-sized ten-four.
That's?a?Texas-sized two-six.
That's?a?Texas?Micky,
super?shooters, let's?get?cracking.
Wayne.
What's?the?problem, Katy?
It?happened?again. What?did?
Gus?left?a?Mr. ?Big on?the?floor ?????this?morning.
No,?he?never.
He?dropped?a?Hershey?bar in?the?living?room ?just?last?Tuesday,
although?upon?closer?inspection,
it?did?look?more?like a?Hershey's?mint.
Well,?I'd?sooner?believe that?was?you,?Squirrelly?Dan.
So?watch?how?you?speak?on?his?name, you?know?
Hey,?buddy... ?He?left
a?Twix?on?the?floor just?yesterday.
And?what?made?it?a?Twix as?opposed?to?a?Big?Turk,?Dary?
Well,?there?were two?of?'em.
They're?identical,????and?they're?side by?each.
Over?and?out. ??How?would?you?ask?somebody if?you?wanted?just
one?of?their?Twix's?
Well,?just?what?you?said. "Can?I?have?one?of?your?Twix's?"
No,?it'd?be... "Could?I?have?a?Twick?"
In?any?event,?it's?starting
to?look?like?Willy?Wonka's emptying?his?pockets
around?your?house, good?buddy.
Now,?you's?realize??????the?weight?of these?allegations.
These?accusations.
Can?confirm.
And?you's?realize ?????the?consequences?at?hand
should?your?claim?be?false.
Claims?is's?this. Can?confirm's.
I'll?only?give?you's one?more?chanceto?retract.
No?questions?asked.
Before?this?conversation becomes?a?confrontation.
We?wouldn't?be?bringing?it
to?you?if?it?weren't?worth ??????being?brought'en.
-But...
-Bring?it?on.
Oh,?it?has?been?broughten.
I'm?just?kidding?around.
He's?a?ten-year-old?boy,?now.
He's?made?me?proud for?a?goddamn?decade.
He's?been?a?real?good?bo.
He's?been?such?a?bo.
But?he's?a?senior?now.
He's?on?the?home?stretch,
and?I'm?trying?to?let?himenjoy?it.
Snoozin'?on?the?furniture, lots?of?human?food.
Leash?is?so?long?now, she's?limp.
And?he's?earned?it.
So?you're?just?gonna
let?him?drop?Baby?Ruth's all?over?the?house?
As?opposed?to?what,?Katy?
Just?give?him a?real?good,?stern ??????talking?to.
Oh,?yeah,?and?how's that?gonna?shake?down?
He's?probably half?fuckin'?deaf.
Aren't?you, you?fuckin'?geezer?
The?same?way?it?shook?down ??for?the?last?decade?before
you?stopped?disciplining?him,
just?'cause?he's?old.
Okay,?Katy. Katy,?okay,?I'm?going?in.
Wish?me?luck.
All?right,?was?that?you
leaving?Crispy?Crunchers all?over?the?floor?
'Cause?that's?a?bad?dog,
don't?you?do?that?again, ?????that's?bad.
Lickety-split.
Ah,?that's?a?wee?bit aggressive.
Oh?is?that?what I'm?being,?Dary?
Well,?that's?your?pal you're?talking?to?over?there,
fairly?accusatory.???I'd?say?give?him
benefit?of?the?doubt.
I?wouldn't. Well,?you?didn't?even?ask him?if?he?did?it?there.
You?just?assumed, I?think?you're?better ??than?that.
Okay,?Dary. ?Dary,?okay, I'm?going?back?in,wish?me?luck.
Aye.
Was?that?you?leaving Jersey?Milks?on?the?floor?
Because?that's?bad,??if?that?was?you, that?was?bad.
Don't?you?do?that???again?ever, 'cause?I'll?be?there.
You're?not?taking this?seriously.
Oh,?is?that?what I'm?not?doing,?Katy?
No,?you're?joking?around and?he?knows?it.
It's,?"Bad?boy, this?is?a?bad?boy."
Hey,?he?knows?thatI'm?joking?but?he?doesn't
know?that?you're?joking.
Don't?say?"bad" unless?you?mean?bad.
I'm?sorry,?Gus.
That's?okay,?he's?a?good?boy, he's?such?a?boy.
Why?don't?you?just?try ???using?your?real?voice?
It?may?permeate?better.
Okay,?Katy. ?Katy,?okay, I'm?going?back?in.
Wish?me?luck.
Hey,?bud.
I?noticed?that?you've
been?leaving?Caramilks all?over?the?floor,
you?know?what's?gonna ????happen?
Someone's?gonna ????step?on?one?in?the?night
and?take?a?header, ??someone's?gonna?pull
a?full?gainer?down?the?stairs.
Or?at?the?very?least, a?half?gainer.
So?what?you?wanna?do is?do?that?outside ????like?a?good?boy.
Please?and?thanks.
I?thinks?we're?almost?there.
Oh,?is?that?where we?almost?are,?Squirrelly?Dan?
Now,?Professor?Tricia?says
that?when?you're?bringing a?complaints?to?someone,
they'll?be?more?receptive to?altering?their?behavior
if?you?make?it your?problem.
Make?it?personal??????rather?than?placing
the?blames?on?them.
What?are?you?fuckin'???getting?on?about over?there?
May?I's? Okay,?Dan. ?Dan,?okay.
Go?on?in,?good?luck.
Gus,?how?are?you?now?
Now,?we've?all?noticed
the?Coffee?Crisps?around?the?house,
and?that's?completely ???natural?and?nothing?for?youse
to?be?embarrassed?about.
But?I?am?quite?worriedI?am?going?to?slip?on?one
and?take?a?full?gainer,
or... ?Please?look at?me?when?I'm?talking,?Gus.
Now,?while?I?know that?that?is?my?problem,
I?know?you?don't?want this?to?happen?any?more ?????than?I?do.
So?I'm?hoping?we?can ??works?together?to?find
a?resolution?to?this?problem.
But?besides?that,?we?want?you ??to?know ,
we?think?you're?doing ??a?terrific?job?around?here
and?we?don't?want ????to?bothers?you?anymore than?we?needs?to,
so?you?have?yourself a?great?day.
I'm?not?going?to?make?you
sit?through?that?butt-fuckery, ??Bud,?away?you?go.
You're?a?good?boy, away?you?go.
Away?you?go.
Look,?I?know?he's?just snoozing?on?the?furniture ??all?day,
but?you?take?him?out for?routine?number?twos.
Ten-four?
You?try?taking?him?out, Katy,?he?don't?wanna.
You?can?say,?????"Hey,?Gus, wanna?rock?one?"
And?if?he?could?talk, ?he'd?say,
"I've?had?to?rock?one for?a?good?seven,?eight?hours.
"Don't?worry?about that?right?now.
"I'm?gonna?grab?another ?????quick?20 ,
25?shut-eye?here, ?????we'll?circle?back
"on?the?conversation?later.
"But?how?about?some?good
itchings?and?scratchings ???in?the?meantime?"
Whoo!
Smells?like?Mr. ?Wonka's
just?emptied?his?pockets ?in?the?other?room.
Fuck.
Well,?everybody?up, help?me?look.
Better?to?be?looking?at?it, than?looking?for?it,?eh?
Ladies. Women.
It?has?come?to?our?attention ?that?there?may?be?a?young?man
who?has?come?between?you?girls.
I?mean... How?do?you?mean?
Well,?Betty-Anne, Mary-Anne.
We?were?told?that?you may?be?going?for ??the?same?guy.
Or,?or?that?the?same
guy?may?be?going for?both?of?you.
Impossible. How?do?you?mean?
The?last?guy?that?was into?Mary-Anne?was?the?priest
at?Catholic?school?in?grade?six.
And?only?'cause?he?thought she?was?a?boy.
Well?done,?Betty-Anne. Catholic?school,?grade?six.
Isn't?that?the?same?year
you?got?the?nickname "Fisted?Sister"?
Which?you?gave?yourself?
Ladies. "Women."
And?a?fitting?nickname it?was,?Betty-Anne.
Your?mitt?looks?like??a?boa?constrictor unhinged?its?jaw
in?an?effort?to?consume a?combat?submarine.
Speaking ??????of?consumption,
your?mitt?looks?like the?drooping?jowls ???of?a?shar-pei
with?a?palsy and?a?water?wing ?????in?its?mouth.
Your?mitt?looks?like ????the?back?of?Kelsey?Grammer's
head?circa?Frasier?'94
if?the?cast?each?autographed ???his?bald?spot
with?multi-colored?lipsticks.
Your?mitt?has?more spiderwebs?than?a?No?Doubt
set?list,?Mary-Anne.
Betty-Anne,?your?mitt ??is?so?dusty ,
I?can?hear?it ??singing?Son?of?a?Preacher?Man.
We've?gotta?go????to?the?source,?buddy.
It's?our?only?hope,?buddy.
Ferda.
I'm?not?helping?you tit-fuckers?or?those?twats.
Give?your?balls??a?tug.
We're?at?the?bottom of?the?line?here,?Shoresy.
You?wanna?talk?about lines,?you?fuckin'?loser?
I?woke?up?to?your?mum
rippin'?dick-dingers off?my?foreskin,
tell?her?to?keep her?hands?off?my?scoops.
Fuck?you, Shoresy.
Fuck?you,?Jonesy, I?made?your?mum?cumso?hard
they?made?a?Canadian ?Heritage?Minute?out?of?it?and
Don?McKellar?played?my?dick.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy. Fuck?you,?Reilly.
I?made?your?mum?so?wet,
Trudeau?deployed?a?24-hour ???infantry?unit
to?stack?sand?bags around?my?bed.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you?both, ?????your?lives?are?so fuckin'?pathetic,
I?ran?a?charity?15K ???to?raise?awareness?for?it,
you?fuckin'?losers.
Where?is?he? ??????He?was?supposed?to?be here?an?hour?ago.
Everyone?stay?composed .
I'm?going?to?sever?Everett's phalanges?one?by?one,
and?force-feed?them to?him,?fondue?style.
Your?terms?are not?acceptable,?Roald.
I'm?going?to?rip?off ??his?ears?and?use?them
to?tickle?his?taint.
Oh,?Jesus?Christ.
I'm?going?to?scalp ??him?of?his?skin ,
wear?it ??like?a?costume,?and?perform.
The?Rocky?Horror?Picture
Show?in?its?entirety, ????while?he?watches.
I?need?to?lie?down.
The?end?is?nigh.
Stewart!
Would?you?come?down here,?please?
Everett.
Hey,?dude.
Did?you?hear all?of?that?
Bits?and?pieces,?something?about a?picture?show?in?the?Rockies.
Everett.
Give?me?the...
Stewart.
Glen?
Stewart.
Glen. This?is...
No?it's?not! an?intervention.
Roald. Stewart...
Roald!
Stewart.
Unhand?Roaldie.
Come.
Sit.
Stay.
But...
But...
Oh,?I?like?you.
You're?coming with?me?and?Glen.
Where?
To?a?place?where you?can?get?away.
Yeah.
You?can't?mean... Oh,?yes,?Stewart.
You?don't?mean... Yes,?Stewart.
No! Stewart...
You're?going?to?rehab.
No! Yes.
No. Yes.
No!
Yes.
Ladies.
Women.
Sorry. lt's?okay.
Um,?we?spoke?with Shoresy.
You?did? And?
And?he,?um... What?
He?said... What?
He?said?you?suck at?hockey.
Huh?Yeah,?he?said you?should?stick
to?Ringette. Huh?
Yeah,?he?said?that?youshould?never?ever?let
a?woman?do?a?man's?job.
He?did? Yeah.
I?was?standing?there?like, "What?is?this?guy?saying?"
And?then?he?said, "Who?let?the?broads?out ?of?the?kitchen?"
He?did?not. Yeah.
And?we?were?like, "What?
"You?can't?say?that." And?he's?like,
"Yeah,?I?can. ?They?should?be making?me?my?supper."
And?I?was, "Whoa,?dude."
Did?he? Yeah.
I?mean,?we're?like, "Dude,?you're?crazy."
Then?he?said,?"I?mean, how'd?they?find?time ????for?hockey,
"while?they're?cleaning the?floors?and?doing ?my?laundry."
Did?he? Yeah,
and?that's?not?even...
That's?not?even the?craziest?part.
Like?we?were... And?believe?us,
we?had?had?enough?????at?this?point ,
but?????we?were?like,
"Are?you?sure about?this?"
And?he?was?like,??????"Anybody?can?go back-to-back."
Yeah,?and?we're?like, ?"Dude ,
you?better?stop ?talking?about?those?girls
"like?that." Mmm.
"Better?stop?talking about?those?women ???like?that."
But?he?said,?"Talk?to?me when?they?go?back-to-back...
"to-back."
That's?what?he?said.
Mary-Anne. Betty-Anne.
What?rhymes?with hip,?lip?and?dip?
Ship.???What?rhymes?with coat,?note?and?tote?
Boat.??Why?don't?you?say you,?me?and?the?girls
put?another?one on?the?water?
Back-to-back-to-back!
You're?driving. Would?if?I?could, ????but?I?can't.
Okay. ?????You?boys?leaning into?one?tonight?
Well,?it's?better?to
be?looking?at?it than?looking?for?it.
How?about?our very?own?Shamrockettes?
Playing?for the?fuckin'?'ship.
When?a?local?team?plays
for?the?championship, ????that's?something
the?whole?town can?get?behind.
Creates?a?pretty?good sense?of?community,?too.
And?a?series?sweeps, no?less.
A?wee?bit of?Meryl?Sweep.
Sweep?in wolf's?clothing.
The?lion?sweeps?tonight.
Drive?safe.
Stewart?gets?out ?of?rehab?today, so?I'm?keeping?it?local.
Pitter-patter.
Wayne. Dwayne.
Daryl. Cheryl.
Dan. Pam.
See?youse?brought?your?brooms.
Shop's?nothing?but?a?couple side-roads?down,?though.
Oh,?youse?didn't?hear?We're?working?for
Sweep?Country?Canada?now.
Don't?fear?the?sweeper.
Why?don't?you?use those?brooms?and?show?us
that?little?dance those?fellows?do ??in?Mary?Poppins?
If?we?offer?you?a?beer??are?we?sweeping
with?the?enemies,?or...
You?should've?used?those?brooms
to?sweep?the?cobwebs?off of?Letterkenny's?trophy?case.
Well,?it's?good?you?got the?beer?sorted,
but?is?that?Donegal tap?water?still?stinky,?or...
Youse?got?a?liberal amount?of?beer?there,
not?sure?it's?gonna?be enough?to?drown?your?sorrows
after?we?shit-kick?youse?today.
Youse?are?on?the?brink of?elimination,
read?it?and?sweep. Hey.
Win?or?lose,?youse?guys have?still?got?the?most ?ostrich-fuckers
per?capita,?right?
That's?the?big?picture.
Allegedlys.
Bet?you?wish?you?could ?put?your?head?in?the?sand
and?ignore?that?one,?huh?
May?the?best?town?win.
Ladies. None?finer?than?you, ??Mary-Anne.
Women.
None?more?admirable than?you,?Betty-Anne.
We've?overcome?adversity.
Found?a?way?to?win.
Let's?get?this?fucking?win, let's?get?this?fucking?sweep!
And?let's?get?this???luxury?fucking
sea?liner?on?the?lake!
League?final,?buddy. Game?four,?buddy.
Suits?on?deck. What?could?go?wrong?
Shoresy? Give?your?balls?a?tug.
Shoresy! Tit-fuckers.
We?heard?what?you?said about?us,?you?sack?of?shit.
"Never?let?a?woman?do a?man's?job,"?huh?
Watch?this,?we're?just?taking
a?break?from?cooking and?cleaning?to?win
back-to-back-to-back 'ships,?asshole.
I'll?make?you?a?sandwich afterwards,?though,
I'll?shove?it?up your?ass?for?you,?too.
You?two?are?the?silliest ??????twats?I've?ever?met
in?my?whole?fuckin'?life.
I?didn't?say?any???of?that?shit, you?dumb?broads.
But?I?did?say?your?breath
could?stop?a?Mack?Truck, ??????Betty-Anne,
I'll?tell?that?to?anyone who?will?listen.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you,?Betty-Anne,
your?breath?is?an existential?crisis,
made?me?question my?whole?fuckin'?life.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you,?Mary-Anne,?you?got?legs?on?you like?redwoods,
you?could?box-jump a?bungalow.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you,?Reilly,???your?mum?groped?me
two?Halloweens?ago,
shut?the?fuck?up or?I'll?take?it?to?Twitter.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
You're?a?horrible fuckin'?ref.
Fuck?you,?Jonesy,??take?a?look?at?me,
I'm?not?even?a?ref,
I'm?a?fuckin'?linesman, ?????but?you?can?referee?on
my?nuts,?you?piece?of?shit.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy!
I'd?still?smash?you?both if?I?was?bored,
but?Reilly?and?Jonesy's mums?get?too?jealous.
Make?yourselves?useful, grab?me?a?bag?ofdill?picklers.
Good?luck,?you?fuckin'?losers.
Let's?stick?it to?that?fuck.
Literally?and?figuratively.
Who?the?fuck skates?like?that?
Stewart's?recovery has?been...
Remarkable.
He?is?almost...
Unrecognizable.
Are?you?ready?
Ready!
Calm?down,?Roald.
Stewart!
Fuck?the?wave,?????????pull?your?finger out?of?your?ass.
I?remember?when you?could?smoke?in?here.
Yeah,?we're?gonna?smoke youse?in?here,?bud.
Came?here?to?do two?things,
launch?this?broom?on?the?ice ???and?drink ,
and?the?gal?at?the ???bar?just?told?me?I'm?cut?off.
Your?gals?look?slower than?my?tractor,
of?course,?mine's got?a?HEMI?in?her.
Your?gals?are?having a?tougher?time
finding?the?puck than?NHL?on?Fox circa?1996.
I've?seen?more hustle?in?chess.
Still?no?heaters?in?here, ???eh?
I?remember?Letterkenny ???mounting?the?50.
Let's?go,?Shamrockettes!
Let's?go,?Shamrockettes!
Let's?go,?Shamrockettes.
Pass?to?me!
Okay,?ladies... "Women."
Hurry?up?and?score ???a?fuckin'?goal?already ,
I'm ???getting?the?bedtime?sillies.
Fuck?off,?Shoresy, give?us?our?time-out.
Fuck?you,?Reilly,???tell?your?mum to?give?me?a?time-out.
The?last?time?I?tried?that,
she?threatened?to?take ?????a?header?on?me
into?an?empty?pool at?the?Quality?Suites.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy, leave?us?alone.
Fuck?you,?Jonesy,???????tell?your?mum to?leave?me?alone,
she's?been?laying
in?my?fuckin'?water?bed since?Labor?Day.
Fuck?you,?Shoresy.
Fuck?you?all, ?????your?lives?are?so?sad,
I?get?a?charity?tax?break
just?for?hanging?out with?you.
Nice?sweep,?no?sweep, give?your?balls?a?tug.
Enough?fuckin'?around. Let's?do?this.
Shamrockettes!
We?did?it,?buddy.
Can't?believe?it,?buddy.
We?won ?????a?fuckin'?'ship.
We?bought that?boat.
Hmm.
Yeah,?it's?Mum.
Mine?too. Probably?wanna?say ????congratulations.