Lehiyot Ita (2013–2021): Season 1, Episode 1 - Artichoke Soup - full transcript

If you and I
were born in the jungle...

Be quiet for a second,
Assaf.

Where no one could find us
on Google...

Shut up already! I'm trying to solve this!
Can't you shut up?

There.

Damn it!

You close up today.

I am anyway.

Why, what's up?

I'm taking Vanessa out.

To celebrate 9 years of hell.



Didn't you celebrate
two weeks ago?

Yes, but the princess didn't like
the restaurant that Amos chose

so now she's dragging him
to the priciest place in town.

Shut up!

Dad, a dinner there costs as much as
a weekend in Rhodes.

"Vanessa Princessa". And she wonders
why you still live with your parents.

How can you afford rent

when you're paying for a dinner that costs
as much as a weekend on Mykonos?

-Rhodes.
-Eitan...

You do realize she expects you to propose.
I know Vanessa.

Vanessa Princessa!

Last time she agreed to go out
only because she was expecting a ring.

You gave her a CD.

A record. Collector's item.
She loved it.



-Move!
-Bro... She's dying for a ring.

I'm telling you... you're entering
a minefield without a vest,

and when Vanessa explodes
you need a vest. You'd better cancel.

What? you bought the disturbed one
a ring, Amos?

Stop nagging.
I didn't buy her anything

and she's not expecting anything,
so back off.

We won't.
We'll be on you like leeches.

If you had the guts, you'd have
dumped that wacko a long ago.

He can't. He's stuck.
Admit it, you're stuck.

-Admit you're stuck. Thank you.
-I'm stuck.

Now for the real news:
American TV host Pete Heavens

and Noa Hollander, daughter of business
mogul Gideon Hollander, have broken up."

it was a nasty breakup and
there's talk of infidelity

that caused Noa to return
to Israel brokenhearted.

Did he cheat on you?

Brokenhearted, honey?

Stupid-ass billionairess!
he'll buy you a new heart, made of gold!

No comment.
Thank you.

Noa Hollander and American Star host
Pete Heavens

met two years ago
on Elton John's yacht.

They started a hot romance that led to
a Hollywood-style visit to the Holy Land.

How was the Israeli hummus, Pete?

It's all right. Much better in Lebanon.

Look, check out how he annoys him...

How is it that your woman has
more money than you in the bank?

Thank you.

We all hoped for a Hollywood wedding
but that won't be happening.

"Hoped..."
We prayed for it every night.

I knew he'd dump her!

Noa's leaving tomorrow for Paris

where she'll accompany her father
Gideon Hollander.

at the opening of his new boutique hotel.

For those who already miss her,
the fashion company She

just launched a new campaign
starring Hollander. Enjoy.

That's exactly how your mom looked
when we met.

I don't care if it's a present
from your brother.

I asked you a million times not to wear
that cologne, and you forget again?

It smells like you used half the bottle.
It's giving me a headache...

Wow, wow, wow!
This place is amazing!

-Who's that? Employee of the month?
-That's the chef, moron.

If only you'd listened to me and studied
cooking that could have been you.

And if only I wanted
to become a chef.

-Here you go. Enjoy.
-Thank you.

-Good evening.
-Good evening.

-Something to drink?
-Sure.

I want the most expensive
champagne you have.

We have these two.

This one costs $700
and it only comes by the bottle,

and this one costs $500
and comes in glasses, too.

Two Cokes. We're driving.

Any recommendations?

We have our regular menu
and we have the Supreme Menu.

Wow, I read about this Supreme Menu.

It something with
the chef's instincts, right?

Tell us about it. Listen, Amos.

The chef designs
your orders himself

and focuses his emotional, spiritual
and sensual energies on them.

Vanessa, I don't want
to eat that guy's energies.

Yes, you do.

We'll go for the Supreme.
I want to be surprised tonight.

Excellent.
Anything you don't eat?

No sprouts for me.
Amos, give her your list.

Avocados, tomatoes, artichokes...

Actually, no vegetables at all
except potatoes, and...

no sauce. No ketchup,
no mayonnaise, no mustard.

Nothing wet, not even tahini.

I don't mind sweet chili sauce.

-What else?
-Cheese.

No cheese or walnuts.

I'm allergic. That's about it.

Oh, and no shrimp, calamari,
or any other animal with antennas.

All that leaves is bread.

Great. I'd like you to take the bread

and make sure this handsome man
focuses all his sensual energies on it.

Amos...

Maybe you can open your mind
and try something new just once?

I'll think about it.

-Where are you going?
-To think about it.

Come back soon...

I can't get away from you,
huh?

At least turn around.
I can't pee like this.

Should I propose?

If I don't propose, I'm doomed.

And if do propose, I'm doomed.

Excuse me, this is the men's room.

Is it? Sorry, I got mixed up.

Mixed up, ha?
There was a line for the ladies' room...

I'll be right out.

You can continue your fascinating
conversation with the picture.

I was on the phone.

I don't see any phone.

But...

let's keep this between us, okay?

Excuse me?

Nothing, I...

I was talking to him.

First time here, right?

Go for the artichoke soup, the rest sucks.

If you only wink at him,
he'll dump her.

I don't care about your article,
she isn't giving interviews!

How's the soup?

It's nice being here with you.

Is it nice being with me?

Amos?

Nice.

Nice to meet you, I'm Amos. And you?

Vanessa...

I'm crazy about you.

I wanted to wait until after
the main course, but I just can't.

Wait for what?

What are you doing, Vanessa?

Excuse me, people...

Diners,
ladies and gentlemen.

Shh...

Sorry for interrupting
this perfect dinner...

-Vanessa.
-And thanks to the chef, really.

-But tonight...
-Vanessa.

...me and my partner Amos
who's sitting here with me

are celebrating nine years
and two weeks of love.

Thank you.

I'm a little nervous.

Thank you.

It all began in 9th grade
at Katzir High School.

When he came in with his bike
and his shorts,

I knew we were in love.

Tonight, in your presence,

I want to bring these nine years
and two weeks full circle.

I want you to know
This is forever

Good or bad
I'll still love you

I'll fly to the stars,
I'll cross the sea

I'll follow you
To the ends of the earth...

Amos Dahari, love of my life...

Will you marry me?

If he says no, that's a million views
on YouTube.

Vanessa, sit down.

Say yes, put the ring on,
and then I'll sit.

Okay, honey. Sit down.
I can't answer you like this.

Then give me a temporary answer
just for now. Come on, already.

No.

Excuse me ?

-No.
-Did you say yes?

-I said no!
-Yes!

Vanessa...

I'm out of here.

Wait a sec. I will get the check.

Get the check?

And then what?
We'll split it and leave together?

Amos...

Nine years and two weeks
and you say no?

What the hell?

You're so selfish. I'm a girl, Amos.

This is what we do.

We diet and then we get married

and have kids and then diet again.

Give me that!

Look at what I did for you,
how much I love you.

Is it asking too much?

For you to show me
how much you love me?

Do you still love me?

Whoa...

Who do you think you are,
not marrying me? You loser!

Folks,

from this moment on I'm single.

Vanessa Maimon, 054-0316365.

Call me.

That girl should work for me.

Come on, Assaf,
come pick me up.

Buddy, I can't.

I'm faking a bad flu
with a fever and aches

so I don't have to work
tomorrow.

I have a recording session.
The single's almost ready.

Do you expect me to take
a bus like this?

Of course not.
Take a jitney.

Hang up.
You need to rest!

Mom, don't believe him.
He's faking it.

Get out so you don't get sick!
And put the marker down.

I'll give you nail polish.

But he isn't sick!

Mom, feed me...

Just a minute, darling.
Here. My darling...

It's hard to swallow...

I feel responsible.

I recommended the soup.

Actually, it was good.
I even got some take away.

Can I take you away?

Woo!

Quiet, medusas! I'm working here!

In ten seconds the paparazzi
will spot me. Make up your mind.

Are you for real, Hollander?
I can smell him from here.

It's okay, I'll manage. Thanks.

-Okay.
-Bye.

Good night.

No taxi will pick you up like that.

Woo!

Amos, make yourself at home.
The car's getting cleaned tomorrow.

Nice of you to let him,
this is Noa's Jeep.

Okay, she drank, so I'm driving.

"She drank." Only a glass and a half.

-Yeah, right.
-Maybe two.

And a half.

Hey, Amos, are you Yemenite or Moroccan?

Yemenite.

You're kidding! Prove it.

-Stop it, Maya.
-What?

Limor, focus. Arrival in Paris
at 3 is fine, but please...

No, no, no.
No Paris tomorrow. Cancel.

I'm on vacation tomorrow.

What will I tell your father?

That I'm in bed.
Crying, dying.

Too bad he doesn't have Instagram.

-Amos, this is Karen, Maya, friends.
-Cancel Paris.

-Hi.
-Tzvika, agent.

Tzvik, do you have two layers on?

Give him a shirt.

No, that's okay, really.

No, it's not.

Come on,
he's covered in artichokes.

So? That's artichoke, this is Gucci.

Great, your gain.

Fuck you...

Woo!

Tzvik...

Yuck!

So where are you going?

Do you have to get up early?

I have work.

Excellent.

So you're coming with us.

Where to?

To do my moustache.

Hey, Amos, are you afraid of heights?

No, why?

Noa, this is a bad idea!

Noa, be careful!

Maya, give me long nose hairs
like old people.

Amos, come down already.

-Are you okay?
-I'm fine.

I'm just trying to understand
what we're doing here.

Oh, that's easy.

Noa decided she doesn't like the picture.

We're just making sure they change it.

Okay.

Great, genius! Just give him
the number for the magazine,

tomorrow it'll be in all the papers.

Sorry, Tzvika. Don't worry about him.

I heard that!

Isn't she afraid of getting caught?

Her dad owns the building

and the billboard company, too.

Besides, she's dying to get caught.

Tell me,

does that even look like lice?

Are you going to start working?
Or do I tell Tzvika to cut the rope?

You're crazy.

Maya, give them short legs. That'll help.

-Karen.
-Karen, Karen.

Come here often?

I may look okay,
but my balls are shaking.

So are mine.

Just think, I fell off once
and I'm still doing it.

Hollander, are you crazy? Stop it!

What a crazy night.

Hello?

Is my big brother managing?

You could say I managed.

What's that noise? Where are you?

You won't believe me.

I already believe you.

I'm on the freeway, hanging off
a billboard of Noa Hollander,

with Noa Hollander.

What?

She picked me up and now
we're rappelling on her billboard...

I'm with Noa Hollander.

You're with Noa Hollander.
The Noa Hollander?

The Noa.

Later.

No, you cow! You're breaking my back!

Stop it! Fatso...

Say...

What do we need him for?

-Who, Amos?
-Yeah.

Because it's fun.

Noa Hollander,
can you stop these silly games?

Tzvika Granot,
what games do you mean exactly?

Are we in that mode now? Okay, fine.

Okay, when you get sick of him,
signal and I'll get rid of him.

All right.

Limor? Did you book the tickets?

No, no, no! Jeez, what an idiot!

Don't cancel London, just the connection,

Paris, London...

-Hello?
-Repeat after me:

"I'm serious, Assaf,
I'm here with a girl

with the most solid pair
of debentures in Israel.

The girl you sleep with, and for
every orgasm you get one penthouse.

The girl who appears in your dreams
every night

wearing nothing but
a flimsy transparent thong

and we have sex
in an infinite ocean of passion.

Right now I'm with the sexiest
millionairess Noa Hollander."

Repeat after me.

-I'm serious, dude.
-I'm coming.

Assaf?

Hello.

Well? Who did you tell
that you're with us?

That was my brother.

Oh, there's another one like you?

I'll sue you and your entire family tree,

including the ones who are
still in tin shacks in Yemen

if this leaks out.
Do we understand each other?

Good.

They don't look like lice, Karen,
you've ruined it.

Oh, here's my partner in crime.

Amos, tough guy...

Do they look like lice?

Yes.

Let's go, we're going to the opera.

What opera?

Noa, Noa...

Noa...

Noa, what about me?

Did he cheat on you or not?

Tough Amos...

Let's dance a little, come on.

Doesn't it bother you that
the whole club is looking at you?

Not as long as they keep their distance.

Well, in another three, two...

Noa, babe, how about a picture?

-Sure.
-One step back, please.

Hey, what's your problem?

Your Venus: "I'm sorry for everything.
I want to talk."

Is that her?

Where can I find somewhere quiet to talk?

Come...

Are you sure you want to call her?

Yeah, just to calm her down.

Isn't that a good idea?

Listen...

Every time I fight with my boyfriend,

my ex-boyfriend...

I disappear, and I mean disappear.

To another continent. Okay?

If we're in Sydney I go to Tokyo.

If we're in London
I fly to New York. Just like that.

I clear my head,
come back a couple weeks later,

then we can talk.

Cool.

It's just that I...

I can't afford to hop from continent
to continent every time we fight.

Fine.

Then not Sydney, Berlin works too.

Greece?

Eilat?

-Eilat is okay.
-Okay then...

Eilat's good too.
The idea is to get away,

the distance doesn't matter.

Yeah...

Hilarious.

You can afford to eat
at a $80-a-plate restaurant,

but you can't afford to go to Greece?

Don't give me a hard time.

I feel like giving you a hard time.

-Then go ahead.
-I will.

Fly off to Sydney, calm down
and come back.

Why did you tell her no?

-Who?
-Your crazy girlfriend.

She isn't...

She isn't crazy. She...
goes a little crazy, sometimes.

She wants to get married.
Until she does, she...

She's crazy.

What about you?
Why did you break up?

You don't... You don't have to answer .

Can you answer that?

Let's just say that after two years
of giving my all for our relationship...

it should have ended differently.
Okay? I deserved better.

So you're just like me.

I pretend everything's fine, but...

when I go to bed at night
all I'll want is to hug.

I mean...

Me and Vanessa, not me and you.

I think I'll call her after all.

You aren't calling her.

Not today.

Not tomorrow, either.

Take your time.

Enjoy being alone, and then, maybe.

Alone?

I haven't been alone for 9 years.

She's all I know.

Now you know me.

Sorry, Noa, I...

Answer. I'll see you downstairs.

What's up?

I'm under the billboard of Noa.
Where are you?

Some club.
How'd you find the billboard?

How many billboards of Noa with
a moustache do you think there are?

So you can tell they're lice...

Amos, what club are you at?

Uh... The Opera in Herzliya.

-I'm coming.
-No, no...

Assaf.

Assaf?

Where's Noa?

She went downstairs
to dance with the girls.

Come.

Okay.

Why are we out here?

Because you're going home.
Thank you, you've done your job.

I'm going back in.

Buddy, let me explain something.

The other day, Noa and her boyfriend,
you may have heard of him, Pete Heavens,

had a fight.

In these situations, Noa looks
for someone to make her feel good,

to worship her, to drool over her,

who can't fucking believe
it's happening to him.

She finds him pretty quickly,
plays around,

and just when you think she's yours,
she sends you off to...

She doesn't send
anyone anywhere

but she signals me

and I get rid of him.

So you and me
aren't going to be friends?

It's Amos, right?

Amos...

I know I have a nasty way of speaking,
I've been working on it for years,

but this time, paradoxically,
I'm on your side.

Want to go in?
Be my guest. Go ahead.

I'm telling you, it's over.

She won't dance with you.
She won't even stand next to you.

She'll ignore you until you realize
you should leave.

I'm just trying to spare you
the humiliation, that's all.

I don't know
what you were expecting,

but this is as far as you'll get
and believe me... it's a lot.

You're a real sweet bunch.

-Thanks.
-Oh, Amos...

My address.

Send me the sweater
after you have it dry-cleaned?

What accident?

How long will it take you
to get here?

I'll be there when this lady will stop
screaming.

You wouldn't believe what a mouth
she has on her.

Granny, I dated a Russian girl
for 6 months. I understand everything!

Stop the car.

-I told you it was him.
-Hi, Amos.

Deja vu.

We're going to a birthday party.
Are you coming?

-No.
-Come on, it's still early.

Come on.

Stop it.

Stop it, Karen.

Come on, Amos. We'll drop you off
where you can get a cab.

I don't need your help.

What's the matter?

Why are you doing this?

Doing what?

Why did you just stop for me?
What else do you need?

Something else to boost your ego?

Another word about your beautiful eyes?

Okay, here.

You're pretty, you're gorgeous,
you're stunning...

And here's another guy who
couldn't believe it was happening.

Shall I go on? Or do you want me
to go into your wonderful,

-wacky personality?
-Calm down.

I don't want to calm down.

Now's the time when you signal
Mr. Genius here to get rid of me, right?

How do you do that? Huh, Gucci?
With a wink?

Drive, Karen.

No wonder he cheated on you.

You got exactly what you deserved.

If it wasn't for that old lady,
I'd have made it in time.

So what's she really like, bro?
Bombshell or blowout?

Blowout.

But she's still top merchandise, right?

Flawless.

This isn't your lucky day
with the ladies, huh?

Not the simple model
and not the luxury model.

Whoa, I could have given her my single.

Imagine if she decided
to back my album.

People like her do things like that.

What was that?

-He totally lost it.
-But why?

He flipped.

He should be thankful that we
even picked him up. Right, Noa?

Yeah, huh?

Don't you see what's happening?

Amos, she wants to do you.

You turned her on
when you yelled at her, stupid.

When was the last time
anyone dared to yell at her?

If it doesn't work out,
give Noa my number, okay?

Mom told them.

-Noa Dahari. Perfect.
-Noa Hollander Dahari.

She'll never give up
her father's name.

I heard you! You need more time.

You have until 8:00.