Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 6, Episode 22 - Beaver on TV - full transcript

Starring...

and...

Oh, say, Wally, would you
hold off on the phone a second?

I'm expecting a
call from the office.

Oh, sure, Dad.

I won. I won.

You won what, Beav?

A chance to go on
Teen Age Forum,

and they even sent the
letter special delivery.

That's a television
show, isn't it?

Yeah, Dad.



They get a bunch of
silly kids up on the show,

and then they ask them
their opinions on junk.

It's kind of a stupid
Meet The Press.

And my letter was accepted,
and they want me on the program.

It says right here. See, Mom?

Well, "Dear, Mr. Cleaver."

That means me.

Hey, Beav, how come you didn't
tell anybody about writing the letter?

I didn't figure my letter
would be accepted.

I just thought I'd get a nice
letter from the television station

telling me no so I could
show it to the guys.

Beaver, you know,
this is pretty exciting.

Now, let's see.

It says they want you to appear
on the panel this coming Thursday.



Hey, maybe I'll win a car
or a motorboat or something.

Nah, they save that kind of
good junk for the adult shows,

where the grownups get up
and make fools out of themselves.

Yeah, I'll bet you I at least win
a watch or a radio or something.

Beaver, I see by the letter

you're going to discuss

teenagers' rights in the home.

Yeah, like using
the telephone...

Should a teenager have his
own telephone and stuff like that.

And you said that a teenager
should have his own phone?

No, I said that they shouldn't
have their own phone.

Boy, Beaver, you practically
sold out to the enemy.

Hello.

All right, Beaver,

here's a note to your teacher

asking that you be excused

to appear on the
television program.

Thanks, Dad.

I'm sure that between this and
the letter from the television people,

you'll have no trouble.

Yes, sir.

But I sure wish
it was over with.

I'm liable to get up
there and do like I did

in the school play.

Nah, I think you're too old
now to get sick in front of people.

Beaver, come on.
Don't you worry.

You'll just do fine.

Yeah, you just be
yourself, Beaver,

and it'll come off fine.

Yeah, and don't try to be funny.

They'll be laughing
at you as it is.

Wally, I don't think you're
helping matters much.

Gee, I'm just trying to
give him a few pointers.

I don't want him
getting up there,

acting like Bennett
Cerf or somebody.

And I'll only be missing
two periods, Mrs. Rayburn,

not counting lunch and recess.

Why, Theodore, I'll be glad to
excuse you under these circumstances.

Thank you, Mrs. Rayburn.

This is a fine
opportunity for you.

It gives you a chance to
practice your public speaking

and to represent your school.

Class, may I have
your attention, please?

Students, we have some
very exciting news this morning.

One of our young
men, Theodore Cleaver,

is going to appear
on television.

Hey, what show's
he going to be on,

the Late Late Monster Show?

Uh, Mr. Bates,

I think we can do without
comments of that sort.

I'm sure all of you have heard

of the Teen Age Forum.

It's on this morning at 11:00.

I'm sure Theodore
is going to make

a very fine representative

of Grant Avenue School.

Thank you, Mrs. Rayburn,

and I'll even mention what
a neat principal we've got.

That won't be
necessary, Theodore,

but it's nice to know
you feel that way.

Hey, Beav, wait.

I can't, Gilbert.

Miss Rayburn said
I could skip recess

to get down to the
television station.

Yeah, I know, but look.

When you're on the show,

how about saying that your
best pal is Gilbert Bates?

My aunt in Pittsburg would
get a really big bang out of it.

Beaver, don't forget who sits
across the aisle from you in history.

Sure, Susie.

And don't forget to tell them
who's room monitor, Beav.

Okay, you guys. I'll see what
I can do. I've got to go now.

Hey, Beav, at least
wave at the camera

like those crazy guys
do at football games.

Okay, I'll see. See you, guys.

- Bye, Beaver.
- Good luck, Beav.

Bye, Beav. Good luck.

Gee, Beaver's sure putting
Grant Avenue School on the map.

Yeah, this is the biggest
thing that's happened

since Whitey Whitney got his
head stuck in the school fence.

Put it right there on the desk.

I have a surprise
for you, class.

A little later on,

we're all going to take time off

and watch Theodore
on television.

Hey, Brad.

If the Beav knew we
were looking at him on TV,

I bet he'd make his ape face.

Gilbert, would you like to
repeat that remark this evening

for your father?

Uh, no, thanks, Miss Rayburn.

Now, we'll all open our books

to page 127, please.

Oh, hello, Fred.

He who watches
television on company time

never wins promotion.

Oh, you're a little off, Fred.

No ball game today.

Oh, watching the
ponies run, huh?

No, as a matter of fact Beaver's going
to be on television in a few minutes.

I was just checking the set
to make sure it was working.

- Beaver, huh?
- Mm-hm.

I know just how you feel, Ward.

My Lumpy... uh, Clarence...

Has been on
television, you know.

- Oh, is that so?
- Mm-hm.

The year the high-school
bands went up to the university

to play at the half time.

It was a real thrill
for Gwen and me

when that camera zoomed in on
our Clarence playing his clarinet.

Yes, that must've
been a high spot for you.

Yes, yes.

We thought he'd go
on to a musical career,

but then he decided
to leave the band.

Oh? What happened?

Well, the conductor claims

that he made an unfortunate
sound with his clarinet

while the principal was
addressing assembly.

Not a word of truth to it.

Merely testing his reed.

- Shame, Fred.
- Mm.

Oh, uh, what's Beaver
going to do on television?

Is he going to be on
The Mickey Mouse Club?

Oh, no, he's going
to be a panelist

on the Teen Age Forum.

Well, congratulations.

I know how proud
you must be of that boy,

the way he's come along.

Who's that?

Oh, it's me, Mom.

What are you doing home?

I'm not sick or anything.

This is my study hall period.

I told Mrs. Borton about
Beaver being on TV,

and she said I could come
home and watch the show

as long as I got back
for the rest of my classes.

Well, Wally, I'm glad to
see you take such an interest

in your brother.

Sure. And if he
faints or something,

I wouldn't want to miss it.

Can everyone see?

Yes, Mrs. Rayburn.

Well, we still have
a couple of minutes.

Just think. People
all over Mayfield

will be watching
Theodore just as we are.

I know he's going to make
a very fine impression.

I know all of us here
at Grant Avenue School

are going to be
very proud of him.

I hope he makes his ape face.

Now, panel, we'll be
going on the air very shortly,

so sit back, relax,

and I know we can
have a very good show.

♪♪

♪♪

Make it pretty, Jack.

All right, now, just
one more thing, panel.

Uh, sir...

Sir, could I get
a drink of water?

Yes, Theodore,
right out in the hall,

but you better hurry.

- We're on any second now.
- Yes, sir.

Now, try and relax.

You'll want all your
friends and relatives

to think you're real pros,

and... ooh, yes, I think
I've got time to explain.

Our new facilities are in,

and starting last week

this show is being
taped in advance.

Now, that means this show

will not be seen today

but instead will be
seen a week from today.

That will give you
all an opportunity

to see yourselves on TV.

All right, ten seconds.
Come along, young man.

Ladies and gentlemen, presenting

the Teen Age Forum.

♪♪

Tune in next week
at the same time

for Teen Age Forum.

That's certainly strange. I
can't understand it. No Beaver.

Yeah, that's too bad,

but you know what
probably happened, Ward.

Well, the boy got down there,

and then after the interview

they probably decided
he just didn't have it.

I mean, you know,
he was nervous or...

But look on the
bright side, Ward.

The bright side?

Now, suppose he'd been on
the show and came off great.

First thing you know, he's
got show business in his blood,

and then he's running
off to Hollywood

and he wears the dark glasses

and runs around in
those foreign cars.

Ward, you don't know
how lucky you are

that your boy
just didn't have it.

Thanks a lot, Fred.

Well, I can see you
want to be alone.

I know how you feel.

Felt the same way when my
boy was expelled from the band.

Always felt the conductor
had it in for my lad.

They didn't even
mention Beaver's name.

Yeah, if they didn't have
time for Beaver to be on,

they should've at
least said something.

Well, it's beyond me.

Of course, knowing Beaver,

anything could've happened.

He probably wandered
into the wrong studio

and ended up on the Captain
Kangaroo show or something.

Wally, you better be thinking
about getting back to school.

Yeah, sure, Mom.

Boy, now I've got to
go face all the teachers

and all the guys,

and they're going to be saying,

"Hey, how did your
brother do on TV?

How did Beaver make out?"

All I've got to say is,

"He wasn't on the show.

Something happened."

That's what I get for
bragging up the little goof.

Wally, what do you
suppose happened?

Gee, I don't know, Mom.

Probably when they
turned the camera on him,

he went flakey and started
bawling worse than Jack Paar.

What a rat that
Beaver turned out to be.

I think he made
the whole thing up

so he could get out of school.

Yeah, he's probably hanging
around some place goofing off.

How do you like him
making up that big lie

about being on TV?

Boy, is Mrs. Rayburn mad.

You can tell by the
way she's smiling.

I'll say she's sore.

I bet Beaver will have
extra study halls after school

for the rest of his life.

He deserves it.

All right. All right, class.

We've wasted enough
time this morning.

Now we will pick it
up where we left off

in the middle of chapter 6.

I want to thank you all for
being on the show with us.

You did a splendid job.

It was one of the
best shows we've had.

- We enjoyed it.
- This was a lot of fun.

I hope you enjoy your gifts

as much as we enjoyed
having you on the show with us.

- Well, thanks very much.
- Thank you.

And, Theodore, I thought
that was a very nice touch

the way you said
hello to all your friends.

- Now, next week, we'll have...
- Oh, Mr. Thornton.

Can I see you for a minute?

- I'll be right with you.
- Fine.

Thanks again for
being with us, panel.

Thank you. Good-bye.

- All right, bye.
- So long.

Hey, Gilbert,

what do you think Mrs.
Rayburn will do to Beav

when he shows up?

If he's smart, he'll
never show up.

Yeah, well, he isn't too smart.

Look.

Hi, everybody.

What a phony you
turned out to be.

Boy, Beaver, you're
really asking for trouble.

I didn't think you
had that much nerve.

What's the matter
with everybody?

As if you didn't know.

"I'm going to be on television."

Boy, what a laugh.

What are you talking about?

I was on television.

I even said hello
to all you guys.

- Sure you did.
- Sure you did.

I was, too, on.

How do you think I
got this transistor?

Anybody can get a transistor.

But I got it from the station.

Anyway, how would you guys
know if I was on television or not?

You were all in school.

That's where you
got crossed up, Beav.

Something happened
you didn't figure on.

Mrs. Rayburn brought in a TV

so we could all watch the show.

Well, Teen Age Forum?

Yeah, Teen Age Forum.

And you didn't see me?

Oh, you're giving
me the business.

Oh, no, we're not.

All we saw were four
girls talking about what time

teenagers should
get home at night.

But I was on the show.

If you were, you were
wearing a wig and a dress.

You're not going
back to class, are you?

Well, sure, I'm supposed to.

I just hope you've
got a good explanation

for Mrs. Rayburn.

Why, is she mad at me?

Mad? She hasn't been this mad

since Angela Valentine
came to school

in that Jackie Kennedy wig.

No fooling?

Yeah, Beaver.

And especially since
she gave that big speech

about you being such
a credit to the school.

You're really going to get it.

Yes?

Oh, put her on, please.

Hi, June.

Ward, I'm very
worried about Beaver.

I tuned in that show he
was supposed to be on,

and he didn't appear.

Oh, yes, I know. I found
out about that, dear.

You see, they pre-tape the show,

and the one with Beaver
will be on next week.

Everything's fine.

Oh, no, it isn't.

Mrs. Rayburn called
from Beaver's school,

and he didn't go back
to class after lunch.

Why would he do
a thing like that?

I don't know, Ward.

Maybe he thought he didn't
have to go back to school.

I can't imagine where he can be.

For the second straight day,

the market closed
on the downside.

And now the Down Jones Averages.

Industrials down 1.4.

Utilities off .75.

Mills down .43.

Going against the market...

Are you Theodore Cleaver,
the escaped convict?

Oh, hi, Gilbert.

I've been looking
all over for you,

over at the malt shop
and the record store.

What have you been doing anyway?

I couldn't go back to school
after what you told me,

and I was afraid to go home.

Yeah, you're in big trouble
with Mrs. Rayburn and everybody

for lying like that.

But I didn't lie, Gilbert.

I really was on
that television show.

Oh, come off it, Beav.

We saw the show,
and you weren't on it.

But I was, too, on it, Gilbert.

They asked me questions about
teenagers having their own telephone,

and they gave me this
transistor radio for being so good.

Why should I lie to you?

You can't yell at
me like my parents

or flunk me like
Mrs. Rayburn can.

Boy, Beav,

this is kind of like
The Twilight Zone

with that guy Rod Serling.

Twilight Zone?

Yeah, you know,
that's that program

where people keep seeing
things that aren't there

and doing stuff that
never happened.

I think they call it, um, psychic
phenomena or something.

Gee, do you mean I just might
have thought I was on television,

like a dream?

Yeah, and all those people
and cameras and everybody

were just in your imagination.

Wait a minute. How could a guy
who was just in my imagination

give me a transistor radio?

Boy, Beav, you better really
find out what's going on.

This is spooky.

Yeah.

I'm going to call up
that television station

and ask them
whether I was on or not.

I don't quite understand.

You wish some information
on Teen Age Forum?

What sort of information?

I'd like to know if the
program was on the air today.

Why, yes. It's on every
Thursday morning at 11:00.

It was on today.

Ask her if you were on it.

Excuse me, lady,

but can you tell
me if I was on it?

If you were on it?

Just who is this, please?

Theodore Cleaver.

Was I on the panel?

Oh, just a minute, please.

She's checking.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Yes?

I found your name, Mr. Cleaver.

You won't be on till next week.

Hello? Hello?

What's the matter?

She says I won't
be on till next week.

Boy, you say you were on,

we saw the show
and you weren't on,

and she says you won't
be on till next week.

Boy, this sounds like a mess that
even Rod Serling couldn't even figure out.

Did you find him?

No. I looked all
over everywhere.

You know, when
he was a little kid,

I could always find him.

He was either hiding
under the railroad trestle

or in a tree or in one of the
caves down at Miller's Pond.

Hey, maybe being on
television went to his head

and he took off for Hollywood.

- Wally.
- Well, sure.

You know, the next thing, we'll
probably see him riding around

in one of those sports
cars on Route 66.

- Anybody home?
- In here.

Oh, I thought you'd
be out in the kitchen.

Nothing there but three pots,

two of them steaming
and one boiling over.

Has Beaver showed up yet?

No, he hasn't.

Okay, Wally, you get
your car, and I'll take mine,

and we'll go look for him.

Gee, Dad, I already wasted a
whole gallon of gas trying to find him.

Well, then you'll just
waste another gallon.

Beaver, where have you been?

Do you know you've
had us all upset?

I don't care.

I was, too, on television
today. I was, too.

What are you talking about?

I don't care what anybody says.

I was. I was. Today,
not next week.

Beaver, of course
you were on television.

I was?

I mean, you believe
me? You saw me?

No, I didn't see you, but...

But if you didn't see me,

then how could I be on?

This gets spookier and spookier.

Cool it, Beav.

Dad called the TV station,

and they taped the show today,

but they don't show
it till next week.

Of course, son. Didn't they
tell you that down at the station?

Well, maybe they told me while I was
out in the hall getting a drink of water.

Oh, Beaver, is this why
you didn't come home?

Yeah.

It was awful.

Nobody would believe me.

The kids and school
and Mrs. Rayburn,

they watched it,
and I wasn't on,

and I didn't want to come home
and have you not believe me.

Boy, Beav,

you sure must've had
yourself a rough day.

Well, Beaver, it's all
straightened out now.

Why don't you go upstairs
and get ready for dinner.

Okay, Mom.

Come on, Wally. You
help me set the table.

All right.

Boy, Dad, you don't
know what it's like

to keep telling the truth

and nobody will
listen or believe you.

Well, Beaver,

if it's any consolation to you,

the same thing's happened
to an awful lot of people,

big people and little people.

They'd try to tell the truth,

and others just
wouldn't listen to them

or believe them, but
the important thing is

no matter if anyone
believes you,

you just keep on
telling the truth.

I'll tell you the
truth right now, Dad.

I'm never going to get
mixed up with television again.

Hey, Beav, you better get
ready for a fast getaway.

Why?

Because if you're
not on this week,

you better start
running and never stop.

And now for the program
everyone is talking about...

The Teen Age Forum show,

with our special
guests... Miss Janet Lynch

from the Lynbrook
school district,

and Mr. Philip Jones,

also from the Lynbrook district.

And from two of
our Mayfield schools,

we have Miss Helen Cowan
from the Hawthorn school

and Mr. Theodore Cleaver

from the Grant Avenue school.

Yay.

Looks good, a
little older perhaps,

but... good.

I believe we'll hear some
very interesting observations

from these young people.

We'll start with Miss Lynch

of the Lynbrook school.

That's very
interesting, Miss Lynch.

Don't you think so, folks?

Hey, the little crook.
He's got my good tie on.

Shh.

And now we'll hear
from Mr. Philip Jones.

And I think it's
sort of a 50-50 deal.

If us teenagers will be
considerate around the house

when it comes to
using the telephone,

then I think our parents
will be considerate of us,

and if everybody's
considerate of everybody else,

then I think it'll work
out real good, and...

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you,
Mr. Theodore Cleaver.

Oh, can I say something else?

Go right ahead.

I almost forgot.

Our principal at
Grant Avenue School

is Mrs. Rayburn, and
she's a real neat guy.

And Susan Bean
is our room monitor,

and Gilbert Bates,
he's my best friend,

and Cathy Gregory,
well, she's our...

We're running out
of time, Mr. Cleaver.

Thank you very much.

Bravo. Brav...

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA