Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 5, Episode 14 - Ward's Golf Clubs - full transcript
With a shoebox filled with stray golf balls he found over by the driving range, Gilbert convinces Beaver - against Beaver's own better judgment - to get Ward's golf clubs with which to hit the balls. On Beaver's first swing, the head of the driver breaks off. What Gilbert and Beaver don't know is that Ward actually broke the club himself earlier in the day. Not knowing this fact, Wally convinces Beaver to be up front with their father about breaking the driver. Beaver changes his mind after Ward chastises Wally about borrowing something of his without asking. Rather than endure the wrath of his father, Beaver decides to replace the broken driver, he figuring he's got one whole week until Ward goes out for his next game and figuring he can pay on installment since he doesn't have the entire amount. If Beaver can purchase the driver and sneak it into Ward's golf bag without either his mother or father finding out, what will Ward think when he sees an unbroken driver in his bag?
Starring...
and...
- Hey, Beaver, wait up.
- Hi, Gilbert.
- Hi.
- What do you got in the box?
Look.
Gee, golf balls.
Where'd you get them?
- I found them.
- Where?
Over by the driving range.
Guys are always hitting
them over that big wire fence.
You sure found a lot of them.
Yeah. I would've found more,
but a guy came and chased
me away while I was finding them.
Let's go over to your house
and smack them around.
- With what?
- With your father's golf clubs.
Gee, Gilbert, I don't
think he'd let us use them.
"Let us"? You're not gonna be
dumb enough to ask him, are you?
You mean, sneak them
out when he's not home?
Sure, that's what
I mean. Let's go.
But, gee, Gilbert, if we do
that, we're liable to get in trouble.
Beaver, everything that's
fun can get you in trouble.
Haven't you learned that yet?
Oh, hi, dear.
Why, you're home nice and
early for a Saturday afternoon.
I can tell by the kiss
you were in the high 90s.
In them and beyond them.
I shot a nice bowling score.
- That bad, huh?
- Yeah, it was a disaster.
Look what I did
to my best driver.
Oh, can you have it fixed?
Nah, it wouldn't be worth it.
Well, Sam Snead always
said there'd be days like this.
I have a wonderful idea to
take your mind off of all of this.
Oh, good.
You can take me marketing.
Oh. Well, all right, but you have to
take cart through the check stand.
I can't bear watching
that cash register go wild.
- I'll get my list.
- All right.
Gee, Beaver, at our house,
we keep all our doors locked.
- How come?
- On account of my sister.
Who'd wanna steal her?
Listen, Beaver,
if you're a girl,
and you don't think
somebody wants to steal you,
you might as well be dead.
If I was a girl, I'd
wanna be dead anyways.
Hey, Beaver, there's
your father's golf clubs.
Think anybody's home?
I don't know.
Maybe they're in the
kitchen or upstairs.
At my house, I always
yell, "Hey, Mom, hey, Dad,"
and if they shout down, "Shut
up," then I know they're home.
Yeah, I guess I could try that.
Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad!
Hey, Wally!
See? Nobody's home.
Now let's get those golf clubs.
Yeah, well, I guess
it wouldn't hurt
just to borrow one
for a few minutes.
Here's a neat-looking one.
That's a driver.
That's the one you use
to hit the ball in the sand
when you start off.
I'm first 'cause it was my idea.
Okay. But remember,
watch my dad's club.
I know, I know.
We'll hit it into those
bushes over there.
Okay.
Hey, Gilbert, you're
holding it like a baseball bat.
That's no good.
It's good enough
for Mickey Mantle.
He doesn't play golf.
He just shaves
and plays baseball.
Here. Let me show you.
Boy, Beaver, you look like
you're a girl doing the hula-hula.
It's all right as long
as you're playing golf.
And there it goes.
Uh-oh, Gilbert.
The ball's still there.
Then what went into the bushes?
It was the top of the club.
That's what you get
for being a wise guy.
Come on, Gilbert.
We better find the top.
Not me. I'm going home.
How come?
Beaver, I'm your best friend.
I don't wanna be around
when your father's killing you.
Hey, what are you doing?
Boy, Wally, you dirty
little sneak, spying on me.
Me a sneak?
What are you up
to, you little creep?
Well, nothing. A guy can stand
in his own hall in his own
house if he wants to, can't he?
Oh, boy, Beaver.
You busted Dad's golf club.
Well, it was nice knowing you.
Gee, Wally, I didn't
do it on purpose.
Yeah, what were you doing,
hammering nails with it?
Uh-uh. Gilbert brought
over some golf balls,
and we were smacking
them around in the backyard,
and then all of a
sudden, it just busted.
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
you better tell Dad right away.
But he won't be playing
golf till way next Saturday.
I wanna pick the best time.
Look, Beaver, when you
do something this bad,
there is no best time.
Well, I figure I can tell him
maybe tomorrow right after church.
He yells less on Sunday
than any other day in the week.
I wouldn't count on that.
They might have a sermon about
being strict with kids or something.
- But he won't...
- Look, Beaver, take my advice.
The sooner you tell him and
get your punishment over with,
the better off you're gonna be.
You know, Wally, you're
beginning to talk just like Dad.
Am not.
I've just had more experience
being a kid than you have.
Dad's gonna find out anyway,
so the sooner you tell
him, the better it'll be.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, Beaver.
I'll set the table for you, Dad.
Well, thanks very much.
Well, that's very
sweet of you, Beaver.
That's okay, Mom. I
don't mind being sweet.
What's the matter?
Oh, I was just wondering
what he's done wrong.
Oh, Ward, can't you just give
him credit for being thoughtful?
Yeah, but his hair
was combed, June.
No, he's using extreme measures.
He's growing up.
Yeah, but his hands
were washed, too.
I saw knuckles I
haven't seen for a week.
No, sir. Something's cooking.
Ward, I just don't know
how you can be so positive.
It's very simple. The whole
thing's an inherited trait.
The same system I used to use.
Want me to put
the glasses on, too?
Yes, Beaver. Thank you.
Oh, that's okay.
And, unless I'm
very much mistaken,
he'll eat everything
on his plate tonight.
Well, I'll believe
that when I see it.
Real good, Mom.
Thank you, Beaver.
Dad, do you have a minute?
Oh, yes, Beaver. I
think I can work you in.
I mean in private.
Uh, you stay here.
I'm going out in the kitchen.
Wally, you can help me.
Okay, Mom. I'm gonna
take my jacket off first.
I don't wanna get it
slopped up. I've got a date.
Well, Beaver?
Dad, you've noticed that
sometimes things happen
that aren't supposed to happen,
but they happen anyways?
Well, Beaver, I
don't know quite...
Wally, that's
my shirt, isn't it?
Oh, um, yeah, Dad.
I, uh... I guess it is.
I guess it must've got put
in my drawer by mistake,
and I sort of put it on.
Well, you can sort of go
back upstairs and take it off.
That happens to be
a very expensive shirt.
All you have to do is go
out and play football in it,
and I won't have a shirt left.
Gee, Dad, I wouldn't
play football in it.
The season's over.
Look, Wally, do I go
into your room and borrow
your shirts and ties and socks?
- No, sir.
- Do you know why I don't?
'Cause they don't fit you.
No, Wally. Because I happen
to have respect for other
people's possessions.
Now, I don't place many
restrictions on you boys,
but there's one thing I do ask,
and that is that you
leave my things alone.
Well, yes, sir.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'll go up and
change it right away.
Now, Beaver, uh...
Now, Beaver, what
was it you wanted to say?
About what, Dad?
You said you wanted
to talk to me for a minute.
Oh, yeah, I guess I did.
Well, what was the question
you wanted to ask in private?
Oh. Well, do you think
the St. Louis Cardinals
will have a better baseball team
this year than they did last year?
Well, I really haven't
given it much thought.
Well, that's okay.
I don't like baseball
much anyways.
Boy, Beaver, you
still should've told him.
How could I after the way he
bawled you out for wearing his shirt?
And how come you
had to pick a time
when I was in trouble
to wear one of his shirts?
Look, Beaver, if I
had to wait all the time
until you weren't in
some kind of trouble,
I'd be waiting
the rest of my life.
Gee, I was all set to tell Dad,
and now I don't know
if I can ever tell him.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
I don't want to be
around here next Saturday
when Dad takes
his golf clubs out.
I guess he's gonna be real mad.
Mad?
There's gonna be more yelling
and screaming around here
than when you were a little kid
and you tried to put your marbles
in the garbage disposal.
Maybe between now and Saturday,
I could buy Dad a new golf club.
Now, where are you
gonna get the money?
They cost around 12 bucks.
No fooling? Boy,
when you grow up,
your toys sure cost a
lot of money, don't they?
How much money have you got?
About $3.00.
Well, maybe you could buy it
on some kind of
an installment plan.
What's that?
Well, that's a system they got
so that people who can't
afford stuff can buy it anyway.
Gee, that's pretty neat.
Does it really work?
Well, sure it does.
How do you think
Dad bought this house?
He put up a down payment,
and then he pays the guy
who owns the house
something every month.
- You mean we're living
in somebody else's house?
- Well, yeah. Sort of.
Well, gee, if they got
mad at us or something,
they could come over
here and throw us out.
Nah, they can't just come
over and throw us out.
This is a democracy.
They've gotta pay
a high-priced lawyer to
come around and throw us out.
Gee, I never knew
lawyers had so much fun.
Yeah, Beav, that
sounds like a neat idea,
but do you think
it works for kids?
I don't know. Let's ask.
Well, hello, boys.
Can I help you?
Yes, Mr. Briggs. I'm
Theodore Cleaver,
and you know me on account
of my father, Mr. Cleaver,
is all the time coming in here
and buying expensive stuff.
Oh, yes, Theodore.
Well, what can we do
for you today? A baseball?
No, sir. I was wondering,
if a guy was gonna buy
something on time payments,
how much would
he have to start with?
Time payments, eh?
Well, the first payment
is usually 30%.
30% of what the guy's got?
No, 30% of the purchase price.
Oh, excuse me a minute, boys.
Well, gee, Gilbert,
do you think I got enough money?
Well, it's like those
problems in school.
You gotta figure out
$3.00 is 30% of what?
Gee, Gilbert, if I can't do
them there, I can't do them here.
You know something, Beaver?
I think a kid like you is
better off paying cash.
I don't have the cash.
Well, now, Theodore, what is it you
want to buy on the installment plan?
A golf club. A
Speed Flash driver.
- A golf club?
- Oh, it's not for me. It's for my father.
Oh, you want to surprise
him with a new golf club.
Yes, sir. That's what I'm gonna
do. I'm gonna surprise him.
It's sort of a secret surprise.
Well, your father bought
a set of clubs not long ago.
Are you sure he
could use a new driver?
Oh, yes, sir.
He's positive of that.
Well, this driver
costs about $13.
I'd have to have at
least $5.00 down.
Well, do you think you could
do it for at least $3.00 down?
Well, I guess I could for you.
How long do you
want to pay it off?
Would five years be okay?
- Five years?
- Yes, sir.
I figure I could pay
a quarter a week,
and I guess that would
come out to about five years.
Well, it won't take
quite that long.
You give me your $3.00 now
and come in every
week and pay the quarter.
Thank you. Would you like
me to gift wrap the club for you?
I don't think he wants to
surprise his father that much, sir.
Hey, that looks
almost as good as new.
What did you do,
glue it back together?
No. This is a new one.
I'm trying to crum it up
so it'll look like the old one.
I didn't know you were smart
enough to be that sneaky.
I'm not being sneaky.
I'm doing it to help Dad.
Well, how's it helping him?
Well, I don't want him
to come home from work
tired and everything and
have to blow his top at me.
Well, he'll be home any minute.
You'd better get it in
the golf bag in a hurry.
Yeah, I know, but
Mom's in the living room,
and his golf bag's
in the hall closet.
How can I get it in there
without her seeing me?
Search me.
I was just thinking, Wally,
maybe you could
get her in the kitchen,
and I could sneak in the
front door with the golf club.
What are you trying to
do, make me a sneak, too?
Well, sure. You're
my brother, aren't you?
Okay. I might need you
for something sometime.
- I'll do it.
- Okay.
Gee, thanks a lot, Wally.
Mom! Mom! Quick!
Quick! Come in the kitchen!
Wally, what is it? What's wrong?
Nothing. I just wanted to
let you know that I'm home.
Wally, I was sewing
in the living room.
Well, you frightened
me, shouting like that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mom,
but you always told me
to let you know
when I come home,
and I didn't want to get
yelled at for not yelling.
What was that?
Hmm? Oh, I didn't hear anything.
Sounded like the front door.
Well, it sounded more
like a car door to me.
How could it sound
like a car door
if you didn't hear anything?
Oh, well, um, I
didn't mean that.
I just meant, I didn't
hear the front door slam.
Could I have some milk, Mom?
I didn't hear anything
that time, either, Mom.
Wally, why are you
being so evasive?
Now, you heard
that as well as I did.
Heard what, Mom?
Oh, Wally.
Beaver, it's you.
Yeah, Mom, it's me.
Why are you walking like that?
Oh, well, I was just pretending
I was a one-legged pirate
and I'm going upstairs
to walk the plank.
Wally, it was Beaver
out here all the time.
Gee, no fooling, Mom?
Boy, you know, I could've
sworn that was a car door I heard.
Sam, I thought you always
carried Speed Flash clubs.
Well, I... I do, Ward.
I just happen to
be out of drivers.
I saw one right here on
this rack just a few days ago.
Well, there's been a
kind of a run on drivers.
Always happens
this time of year.
Oh.
Yeah, well, thanks anyway.
I thought you were going to
stop by and get a new golf club.
Sam Briggs said
he didn't have any.
We haven't done anything
to offend him, have we?
Of course not.
It was almost as though he
didn't want to do business with me.
Oh, honey, you must
be imagining things.
Yeah.
Well, maybe I can find some
way to get the old one repaired.
- June?
- Yes, dear?
Last Saturday, when I
came home from playing golf,
you saw me wiggle
this head, didn't you?
Yes, Ward. Why?
Oh, nothing.
Uh, you're positive
you saw it wiggle?
Yes, Ward.
I know a wiggle when I see one.
If you'd just tell me
what it's all about.
Look.
Well, that's strange.
That's my driver, too.
A golf club
couldn't heal itself.
Not without a little help.
Wally! Beaver!
Yeah, Dad?
Wally, come down here,
and bring Beaver with you.
You think the boys had
something to do with this?
I don't know, but it's
always a good place to start.
- Yes, Dad?
- You want something, Dad?
Boys, your mother and I are a little
puzzled by something that happened.
Last week, your father
broke one of his golf clubs.
And the strange thing is, when
I took it out of the bag just now
to see about getting it fixed,
it wasn't broken anymore.
Now, how do you
account for that?
Well, uh, gee, Dad, uh...
Uh, maybe you got a good fairy.
No, Beaver, I don't think
that's the explanation,
but I do think one of you boys
knows something about this.
I guess I know something
more about it than Wally does.
Well, then, come on in the den.
Tell me all about it.
Wally, did this
have anything to do
with the door slamming before?
Gee, Mom, what would
make you think that?
Come on, Wally.
And then I put the
new club in the bag,
and I took the old one out on account I
didn't know it was supposed to be broken.
Beaver, when you thought
you'd broken the club,
why didn't you come to
me and tell me right away?
Oh, well, I was gonna, Dad,
but then you started
bawling out Wally
for wearing one of your shirts.
And if you got that
mad about a shirt,
I didn't want to see what was
gonna happen about a golf club.
Naturally, I
would've been upset.
Boy, Dad, I sure got a bad break
not knowing it was
broken all the time.
Well, Beaver, when
you do things like this,
you're going to be surprised at
how many bad breaks you get.
You're old enough to realize, son,
that when you do something wrong,
we usually find out about it.
You know, you're right, Dad.
I haven't gotten away with anything
really good enough for a couple years.
Well, don't you think
the answer, then,
is just not to get into things
like this in the first place?
Sure, Dad.
But most of the time, it only seems
like a bad idea when you get caught.
Well, the next time, Beaver,
you just look ahead
a little bit and realize
that the chances are you
are going to get caught.
Then maybe you won't do it.
Yes, sir.
Dad,
am I still gonna have to
keep paying for the golf club?
No, Beaver. I'll
take care of that,
and I'll give you
your $3.00 back.
But the next time
Gilbert comes over here
with a box full of golf balls,
what are you going to do?
Punch him in the nose.
I don't think you need
to be quite that drastic.
Just don't listen to him.
Did you get it straightened out?
Uh-huh. Beaver
thought he broke the club,
and he went to a lot
of trouble to replace it.
Ward, when you
were Beaver's age,
if you'd broken
something of your father's,
would you have tried
to hide it from him?
Yeah. I think like
Beaver, I'd have gone
most any lengths
to avoid a fuss.
Well, when he
found out about it,
would he have sat down
and let you explain it to him?
Well, no. My father had
a very practical shortcut
to child psychology...
A razor strap.
Sure cut down on the
conversation around our house.
Beaver, what are you doing?
I'm thinking.
What do you want
to go and do that for?
It's not even a school night.
I was thinking maybe I
should stop getting in trouble.
You better watch it, Beaver.
You're gonna get
it one of these days.
What do you mean, get it?
Well, you're liable to
grow up and have a kid
that does the same kind
of goofy stuff that you do.
Yeah, I never thought of that.
But do you know what
would be worse, Wally?
What's that?
If a guy was Eddie Haskell
and had a kid that
acts just like he acts.
Well, I don't think there's
much chance of that, Beav.
A guy like Eddie
Haskell only comes along
once in a couple hundred years.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
and...
- Hey, Beaver, wait up.
- Hi, Gilbert.
- Hi.
- What do you got in the box?
Look.
Gee, golf balls.
Where'd you get them?
- I found them.
- Where?
Over by the driving range.
Guys are always hitting
them over that big wire fence.
You sure found a lot of them.
Yeah. I would've found more,
but a guy came and chased
me away while I was finding them.
Let's go over to your house
and smack them around.
- With what?
- With your father's golf clubs.
Gee, Gilbert, I don't
think he'd let us use them.
"Let us"? You're not gonna be
dumb enough to ask him, are you?
You mean, sneak them
out when he's not home?
Sure, that's what
I mean. Let's go.
But, gee, Gilbert, if we do
that, we're liable to get in trouble.
Beaver, everything that's
fun can get you in trouble.
Haven't you learned that yet?
Oh, hi, dear.
Why, you're home nice and
early for a Saturday afternoon.
I can tell by the kiss
you were in the high 90s.
In them and beyond them.
I shot a nice bowling score.
- That bad, huh?
- Yeah, it was a disaster.
Look what I did
to my best driver.
Oh, can you have it fixed?
Nah, it wouldn't be worth it.
Well, Sam Snead always
said there'd be days like this.
I have a wonderful idea to
take your mind off of all of this.
Oh, good.
You can take me marketing.
Oh. Well, all right, but you have to
take cart through the check stand.
I can't bear watching
that cash register go wild.
- I'll get my list.
- All right.
Gee, Beaver, at our house,
we keep all our doors locked.
- How come?
- On account of my sister.
Who'd wanna steal her?
Listen, Beaver,
if you're a girl,
and you don't think
somebody wants to steal you,
you might as well be dead.
If I was a girl, I'd
wanna be dead anyways.
Hey, Beaver, there's
your father's golf clubs.
Think anybody's home?
I don't know.
Maybe they're in the
kitchen or upstairs.
At my house, I always
yell, "Hey, Mom, hey, Dad,"
and if they shout down, "Shut
up," then I know they're home.
Yeah, I guess I could try that.
Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad!
Hey, Wally!
See? Nobody's home.
Now let's get those golf clubs.
Yeah, well, I guess
it wouldn't hurt
just to borrow one
for a few minutes.
Here's a neat-looking one.
That's a driver.
That's the one you use
to hit the ball in the sand
when you start off.
I'm first 'cause it was my idea.
Okay. But remember,
watch my dad's club.
I know, I know.
We'll hit it into those
bushes over there.
Okay.
Hey, Gilbert, you're
holding it like a baseball bat.
That's no good.
It's good enough
for Mickey Mantle.
He doesn't play golf.
He just shaves
and plays baseball.
Here. Let me show you.
Boy, Beaver, you look like
you're a girl doing the hula-hula.
It's all right as long
as you're playing golf.
And there it goes.
Uh-oh, Gilbert.
The ball's still there.
Then what went into the bushes?
It was the top of the club.
That's what you get
for being a wise guy.
Come on, Gilbert.
We better find the top.
Not me. I'm going home.
How come?
Beaver, I'm your best friend.
I don't wanna be around
when your father's killing you.
Hey, what are you doing?
Boy, Wally, you dirty
little sneak, spying on me.
Me a sneak?
What are you up
to, you little creep?
Well, nothing. A guy can stand
in his own hall in his own
house if he wants to, can't he?
Oh, boy, Beaver.
You busted Dad's golf club.
Well, it was nice knowing you.
Gee, Wally, I didn't
do it on purpose.
Yeah, what were you doing,
hammering nails with it?
Uh-uh. Gilbert brought
over some golf balls,
and we were smacking
them around in the backyard,
and then all of a
sudden, it just busted.
Well, I'll tell you one thing,
you better tell Dad right away.
But he won't be playing
golf till way next Saturday.
I wanna pick the best time.
Look, Beaver, when you
do something this bad,
there is no best time.
Well, I figure I can tell him
maybe tomorrow right after church.
He yells less on Sunday
than any other day in the week.
I wouldn't count on that.
They might have a sermon about
being strict with kids or something.
- But he won't...
- Look, Beaver, take my advice.
The sooner you tell him and
get your punishment over with,
the better off you're gonna be.
You know, Wally, you're
beginning to talk just like Dad.
Am not.
I've just had more experience
being a kid than you have.
Dad's gonna find out anyway,
so the sooner you tell
him, the better it'll be.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hello, Beaver.
I'll set the table for you, Dad.
Well, thanks very much.
Well, that's very
sweet of you, Beaver.
That's okay, Mom. I
don't mind being sweet.
What's the matter?
Oh, I was just wondering
what he's done wrong.
Oh, Ward, can't you just give
him credit for being thoughtful?
Yeah, but his hair
was combed, June.
No, he's using extreme measures.
He's growing up.
Yeah, but his hands
were washed, too.
I saw knuckles I
haven't seen for a week.
No, sir. Something's cooking.
Ward, I just don't know
how you can be so positive.
It's very simple. The whole
thing's an inherited trait.
The same system I used to use.
Want me to put
the glasses on, too?
Yes, Beaver. Thank you.
Oh, that's okay.
And, unless I'm
very much mistaken,
he'll eat everything
on his plate tonight.
Well, I'll believe
that when I see it.
Real good, Mom.
Thank you, Beaver.
Dad, do you have a minute?
Oh, yes, Beaver. I
think I can work you in.
I mean in private.
Uh, you stay here.
I'm going out in the kitchen.
Wally, you can help me.
Okay, Mom. I'm gonna
take my jacket off first.
I don't wanna get it
slopped up. I've got a date.
Well, Beaver?
Dad, you've noticed that
sometimes things happen
that aren't supposed to happen,
but they happen anyways?
Well, Beaver, I
don't know quite...
Wally, that's
my shirt, isn't it?
Oh, um, yeah, Dad.
I, uh... I guess it is.
I guess it must've got put
in my drawer by mistake,
and I sort of put it on.
Well, you can sort of go
back upstairs and take it off.
That happens to be
a very expensive shirt.
All you have to do is go
out and play football in it,
and I won't have a shirt left.
Gee, Dad, I wouldn't
play football in it.
The season's over.
Look, Wally, do I go
into your room and borrow
your shirts and ties and socks?
- No, sir.
- Do you know why I don't?
'Cause they don't fit you.
No, Wally. Because I happen
to have respect for other
people's possessions.
Now, I don't place many
restrictions on you boys,
but there's one thing I do ask,
and that is that you
leave my things alone.
Well, yes, sir.
I'm sorry, Dad.
I'll go up and
change it right away.
Now, Beaver, uh...
Now, Beaver, what
was it you wanted to say?
About what, Dad?
You said you wanted
to talk to me for a minute.
Oh, yeah, I guess I did.
Well, what was the question
you wanted to ask in private?
Oh. Well, do you think
the St. Louis Cardinals
will have a better baseball team
this year than they did last year?
Well, I really haven't
given it much thought.
Well, that's okay.
I don't like baseball
much anyways.
Boy, Beaver, you
still should've told him.
How could I after the way he
bawled you out for wearing his shirt?
And how come you
had to pick a time
when I was in trouble
to wear one of his shirts?
Look, Beaver, if I
had to wait all the time
until you weren't in
some kind of trouble,
I'd be waiting
the rest of my life.
Gee, I was all set to tell Dad,
and now I don't know
if I can ever tell him.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
I don't want to be
around here next Saturday
when Dad takes
his golf clubs out.
I guess he's gonna be real mad.
Mad?
There's gonna be more yelling
and screaming around here
than when you were a little kid
and you tried to put your marbles
in the garbage disposal.
Maybe between now and Saturday,
I could buy Dad a new golf club.
Now, where are you
gonna get the money?
They cost around 12 bucks.
No fooling? Boy,
when you grow up,
your toys sure cost a
lot of money, don't they?
How much money have you got?
About $3.00.
Well, maybe you could buy it
on some kind of
an installment plan.
What's that?
Well, that's a system they got
so that people who can't
afford stuff can buy it anyway.
Gee, that's pretty neat.
Does it really work?
Well, sure it does.
How do you think
Dad bought this house?
He put up a down payment,
and then he pays the guy
who owns the house
something every month.
- You mean we're living
in somebody else's house?
- Well, yeah. Sort of.
Well, gee, if they got
mad at us or something,
they could come over
here and throw us out.
Nah, they can't just come
over and throw us out.
This is a democracy.
They've gotta pay
a high-priced lawyer to
come around and throw us out.
Gee, I never knew
lawyers had so much fun.
Yeah, Beav, that
sounds like a neat idea,
but do you think
it works for kids?
I don't know. Let's ask.
Well, hello, boys.
Can I help you?
Yes, Mr. Briggs. I'm
Theodore Cleaver,
and you know me on account
of my father, Mr. Cleaver,
is all the time coming in here
and buying expensive stuff.
Oh, yes, Theodore.
Well, what can we do
for you today? A baseball?
No, sir. I was wondering,
if a guy was gonna buy
something on time payments,
how much would
he have to start with?
Time payments, eh?
Well, the first payment
is usually 30%.
30% of what the guy's got?
No, 30% of the purchase price.
Oh, excuse me a minute, boys.
Well, gee, Gilbert,
do you think I got enough money?
Well, it's like those
problems in school.
You gotta figure out
$3.00 is 30% of what?
Gee, Gilbert, if I can't do
them there, I can't do them here.
You know something, Beaver?
I think a kid like you is
better off paying cash.
I don't have the cash.
Well, now, Theodore, what is it you
want to buy on the installment plan?
A golf club. A
Speed Flash driver.
- A golf club?
- Oh, it's not for me. It's for my father.
Oh, you want to surprise
him with a new golf club.
Yes, sir. That's what I'm gonna
do. I'm gonna surprise him.
It's sort of a secret surprise.
Well, your father bought
a set of clubs not long ago.
Are you sure he
could use a new driver?
Oh, yes, sir.
He's positive of that.
Well, this driver
costs about $13.
I'd have to have at
least $5.00 down.
Well, do you think you could
do it for at least $3.00 down?
Well, I guess I could for you.
How long do you
want to pay it off?
Would five years be okay?
- Five years?
- Yes, sir.
I figure I could pay
a quarter a week,
and I guess that would
come out to about five years.
Well, it won't take
quite that long.
You give me your $3.00 now
and come in every
week and pay the quarter.
Thank you. Would you like
me to gift wrap the club for you?
I don't think he wants to
surprise his father that much, sir.
Hey, that looks
almost as good as new.
What did you do,
glue it back together?
No. This is a new one.
I'm trying to crum it up
so it'll look like the old one.
I didn't know you were smart
enough to be that sneaky.
I'm not being sneaky.
I'm doing it to help Dad.
Well, how's it helping him?
Well, I don't want him
to come home from work
tired and everything and
have to blow his top at me.
Well, he'll be home any minute.
You'd better get it in
the golf bag in a hurry.
Yeah, I know, but
Mom's in the living room,
and his golf bag's
in the hall closet.
How can I get it in there
without her seeing me?
Search me.
I was just thinking, Wally,
maybe you could
get her in the kitchen,
and I could sneak in the
front door with the golf club.
What are you trying to
do, make me a sneak, too?
Well, sure. You're
my brother, aren't you?
Okay. I might need you
for something sometime.
- I'll do it.
- Okay.
Gee, thanks a lot, Wally.
Mom! Mom! Quick!
Quick! Come in the kitchen!
Wally, what is it? What's wrong?
Nothing. I just wanted to
let you know that I'm home.
Wally, I was sewing
in the living room.
Well, you frightened
me, shouting like that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Mom,
but you always told me
to let you know
when I come home,
and I didn't want to get
yelled at for not yelling.
What was that?
Hmm? Oh, I didn't hear anything.
Sounded like the front door.
Well, it sounded more
like a car door to me.
How could it sound
like a car door
if you didn't hear anything?
Oh, well, um, I
didn't mean that.
I just meant, I didn't
hear the front door slam.
Could I have some milk, Mom?
I didn't hear anything
that time, either, Mom.
Wally, why are you
being so evasive?
Now, you heard
that as well as I did.
Heard what, Mom?
Oh, Wally.
Beaver, it's you.
Yeah, Mom, it's me.
Why are you walking like that?
Oh, well, I was just pretending
I was a one-legged pirate
and I'm going upstairs
to walk the plank.
Wally, it was Beaver
out here all the time.
Gee, no fooling, Mom?
Boy, you know, I could've
sworn that was a car door I heard.
Sam, I thought you always
carried Speed Flash clubs.
Well, I... I do, Ward.
I just happen to
be out of drivers.
I saw one right here on
this rack just a few days ago.
Well, there's been a
kind of a run on drivers.
Always happens
this time of year.
Oh.
Yeah, well, thanks anyway.
I thought you were going to
stop by and get a new golf club.
Sam Briggs said
he didn't have any.
We haven't done anything
to offend him, have we?
Of course not.
It was almost as though he
didn't want to do business with me.
Oh, honey, you must
be imagining things.
Yeah.
Well, maybe I can find some
way to get the old one repaired.
- June?
- Yes, dear?
Last Saturday, when I
came home from playing golf,
you saw me wiggle
this head, didn't you?
Yes, Ward. Why?
Oh, nothing.
Uh, you're positive
you saw it wiggle?
Yes, Ward.
I know a wiggle when I see one.
If you'd just tell me
what it's all about.
Look.
Well, that's strange.
That's my driver, too.
A golf club
couldn't heal itself.
Not without a little help.
Wally! Beaver!
Yeah, Dad?
Wally, come down here,
and bring Beaver with you.
You think the boys had
something to do with this?
I don't know, but it's
always a good place to start.
- Yes, Dad?
- You want something, Dad?
Boys, your mother and I are a little
puzzled by something that happened.
Last week, your father
broke one of his golf clubs.
And the strange thing is, when
I took it out of the bag just now
to see about getting it fixed,
it wasn't broken anymore.
Now, how do you
account for that?
Well, uh, gee, Dad, uh...
Uh, maybe you got a good fairy.
No, Beaver, I don't think
that's the explanation,
but I do think one of you boys
knows something about this.
I guess I know something
more about it than Wally does.
Well, then, come on in the den.
Tell me all about it.
Wally, did this
have anything to do
with the door slamming before?
Gee, Mom, what would
make you think that?
Come on, Wally.
And then I put the
new club in the bag,
and I took the old one out on account I
didn't know it was supposed to be broken.
Beaver, when you thought
you'd broken the club,
why didn't you come to
me and tell me right away?
Oh, well, I was gonna, Dad,
but then you started
bawling out Wally
for wearing one of your shirts.
And if you got that
mad about a shirt,
I didn't want to see what was
gonna happen about a golf club.
Naturally, I
would've been upset.
Boy, Dad, I sure got a bad break
not knowing it was
broken all the time.
Well, Beaver, when
you do things like this,
you're going to be surprised at
how many bad breaks you get.
You're old enough to realize, son,
that when you do something wrong,
we usually find out about it.
You know, you're right, Dad.
I haven't gotten away with anything
really good enough for a couple years.
Well, don't you think
the answer, then,
is just not to get into things
like this in the first place?
Sure, Dad.
But most of the time, it only seems
like a bad idea when you get caught.
Well, the next time, Beaver,
you just look ahead
a little bit and realize
that the chances are you
are going to get caught.
Then maybe you won't do it.
Yes, sir.
Dad,
am I still gonna have to
keep paying for the golf club?
No, Beaver. I'll
take care of that,
and I'll give you
your $3.00 back.
But the next time
Gilbert comes over here
with a box full of golf balls,
what are you going to do?
Punch him in the nose.
I don't think you need
to be quite that drastic.
Just don't listen to him.
Did you get it straightened out?
Uh-huh. Beaver
thought he broke the club,
and he went to a lot
of trouble to replace it.
Ward, when you
were Beaver's age,
if you'd broken
something of your father's,
would you have tried
to hide it from him?
Yeah. I think like
Beaver, I'd have gone
most any lengths
to avoid a fuss.
Well, when he
found out about it,
would he have sat down
and let you explain it to him?
Well, no. My father had
a very practical shortcut
to child psychology...
A razor strap.
Sure cut down on the
conversation around our house.
Beaver, what are you doing?
I'm thinking.
What do you want
to go and do that for?
It's not even a school night.
I was thinking maybe I
should stop getting in trouble.
You better watch it, Beaver.
You're gonna get
it one of these days.
What do you mean, get it?
Well, you're liable to
grow up and have a kid
that does the same kind
of goofy stuff that you do.
Yeah, I never thought of that.
But do you know what
would be worse, Wally?
What's that?
If a guy was Eddie Haskell
and had a kid that
acts just like he acts.
Well, I don't think there's
much chance of that, Beav.
A guy like Eddie
Haskell only comes along
once in a couple hundred years.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA