Leave It to Beaver (1957–1963): Season 4, Episode 24 - The Dramatic Club - full transcript

Starring...

and...

Mighty pretty.

Well, that's pretty good.

June, our boy is now
a three-letter man.

We're very proud of you, Wally.

Boy, three stripes.

If you get anymore, you're
gonna look like a zebra.

The Board of Education
only lets you go out

for three major sports.

They don't want you
to develop your muscles



more than your brain.

Well, I think it's a good idea

to flex your
brain a little, too.

You know, when I
was in boarding school,

I got a letter in basketball.

You mean, you played
basketball, Mom?

Well, I was the captain
of our class team.

Gee, a guy never thinks of
his mom as jumping center.

I'll tell you, Wally,

uh, there's a picture of your
mother around somewhere

in a basketball outfit. I'll
show it to you sometime.

Oh, no, you won't!

Well, Beaver, what about you?

You going in for
any school activities?



Well, we don't have
organized sports at our school.

We just play games for fun.

Beaver, don't they have
a glee club at your school?

Yeah, but my voice is too
high to sing with the big guys,

and I'm too big to
sing with the little guys.

So, Mr. Willett
told me to get lost.

Now, Beaver, I'm sure
he didn't put it that way.

No. Well, he said
"Try again next year,"

but he meant "Get lost."

Gee, Beav, there should
be some kind of junk

you could go out for.

Well, I was going to
be an assembly monitor.

Only trouble is the big guys
are all the time hitting you.

Well, I think you
should get into

as many school activities
as possible, Beaver.

It's good experience.

Well, sure, Beav, the
biggest thing you do now

is walk in the gutter on
the way home from school.

You can't do that all your life.

Yeah, well, I guess I could
look around down there.

They might have
something I could go out for.

Well, Wally, we're certainly
pleased about this letter.

Well, you know, I think
it's just about bedtime,

and I want you to take
a bath tonight, Beaver.

Well, gee, Mom, do I have to?

I think if I just clean my feet,

I could get by for
another two or three days.

You take a bath.

Yes, Mom.

Good night.

Good night, Mom.
Good night, Dad.

Good night. Good night.

Honey, you know, I don't
think I'd press Beaver too hard

to go out for extra activities.

Just let him be a
normal, average little boy.

Well, dear, a normal,
average little boy

doesn't have a
chance these days.

"Join the Dramatic Club.

Fun, Plays,
Entertainment. Room 203."

Boy, I want to get in that.
I can do ventriloquism.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, I can talk
through a dummy.

You're doing that now.

No, I mean, a real dummy.

I'm going home at
noontime and get it.

I can recite a whole
poem, "Casey at the Bat."

Yeah? Well, I think I'll join.

Well, I once played
a tree in kindergarten.

Huh, you're no actor.

I suppose you are.

I took voice lessons,

and my teacher told me
I'm another Shirley Temple.

What are you talking
about? She's not a kid.

She's a grown-up
lady on television.

Shirley Temple's
not even a person.

It's something you drink

while your father's
having an Old-Fashioned.

Well, Wally, I didn't
know you were home.

- What are you doing?
- Well, I'm, uh,

I'm just slopping some
junk on some bread.

I'm starved.

Didn't you have
any lunch at school?

Well, yeah, but I, uh...

I dropped my tray
in the cafeteria.

By the time I got all the
junk picked up off the floor,

there wasn't much
left worth eating.

Wally, go get some more bread,

and I'll make you
a ham sandwich.

Oh, no, that's okay, Mom.

You can just slide the ham
in here on top of the jelly.

Hey, Mom, is the Beaver around?

I told him I'd throw
the baseball with him.

No, he's trying out for the
Dramatic Club at school.

Yeah, I figured after Dad
started yelling at him last night,

he'd try to do
something about it.

Your father didn't yell at him.

He was just pointing out the
advantages of school activities.

Well, sure, Mom,

but Dad's got a way of
pointing out advantages

that scares the heck out of ya.

Well, I just hope
Beaver makes it.

He hasn't been in
a play in a long time.

Yeah, I remember when
he was in kindergarten,

he played a tree,

the only tree I ever saw
with its knees shaking.

Wally, are you sure you
want this ham on the jelly?

Well, sure, Mom.
Don't chicken out now.

All right, Gilbert, go ahead.

"You know, we French stormed
Ratisbon a mile or so away.

On a little mound, Napoleon
stood on our stormy day.

With neck outthrust..."

I can't help it, Miss Landers.
That part always kills me.

All right, Gilbert, perhaps
you'd better sit down

until you get
control of yourself.

Yes.

Oscar, did you know I once knew a
man with one eye, named Clarence?

Is that so?

Yeah.

Well, what did he
call the other eye?

"Little Indian Sioux or Crow,

little frosty Eskimo,
little Turk or Japanee,

don't you wish
that you were me?"

"Oh, somewhere
in this favored land,

the sun is shining bright.

The band is playing somewhere,

and somewhere, hearts are light.

Men are laughing somewhere,

and somewhere, children shout.

There is no joy in Mudville.

Mighty Casey has struck out."

♪ Oh, yes, pretty girly,
won't you come out tonight? ♪

♪ Won't you come out tonight? ♪

♪ Won't you come out tonight? ♪

♪ Oh, yes, pretty girly,
won't you come out tonight, ♪

♪ and dance by the
light of the moon? ♪

"By the rude bridge
that arched the flood,

their flag to April's
breeze unfurled.

Once in battle, farmers stood

and fired the shot
heard 'round the world."

Hi.

Hi. Where is it?

Where's what?

The Chinese food you
were going to bring home.

I was going to bring
home Chinese food?

Oh, honey, don't you
remember last night,

when you were
carving the roast beef?

You said, "Let's have something
different tomorrow night."

Yeah, so I did.

Well, I'm afraid I just got
so busy down at the office,

I completely forgot it.

Between meetings
and New York calls,

egg fu yung was the
last thing on my mind.

Well, I'll go back and get some.

Never mind, honey.

I took some chops out
of the freezer, just in case.

Oh, fine.

And, uh, one of these nights,
we will have Chinese food.

Mm-hm.

Oh, Beaver got in the
Dramatic Club at school.

Oh, that's fine. I
just hope this time,

he doesn't wind up
playing an anonymous tree.

There's not much satisfaction

in not being able
to tell your son

from the rest of the forest.

Well, whatever part he gets,
he's very proud of himself.

And, you know, you wanted
him to get into school activities,

so you make a big fuss over it.

Oh, sure.

After all, that's about the
easiest thing a father does,

act proud of his son.

Hey, Beav, you're really
gonna be in a school play, huh?

Yeah.

Well, I think Miss
Landers picked me

on account of the
guys didn't laugh at me

as much as they
did the other guys.

Are you scared?

Why should I be scared?

I played a tree once
in kindergarten, didn't I?

Yeah, but, uh, it's a lot
harder playing a person

than playing a tree.

After all, a person expects
a tree to be nothing.

Well, Beaver, I just
heard the good news.

You made the Dramatic Club, huh?

Yes, sir. Everybody
made it, but Gilbert.

Miss Landers threw
him out for laughing.

Oh, well, uh, are you,
uh, you gonna do a play?

Oh, yes, sir.

Miss Landers is
gonna pick it out tonight,

and we're gonna wear costumes,

and we're gonna have
all our parents come,

and charge 35 cents, and
we're gonna serve coffee,

but milk for the kids.

Well, we'll certainly all
be looking forward to it.

Won't we, Wally?

Uh, gee, Dad, I, uh, I think
I'm doing something that night.

You don't even
know what night it is.

Well, yeah, but, I, uh...

I still think I'm
doing something.

You're here late
tonight, Miss Landers.

Oh, yes, we had auditions

for the Dramatic
Club this afternoon.

I understand you
had a good turnout.

Yes.

That Victoria Bennett
was very good,

and so was the Cleaver boy.

This is the play I
thought we'd do.

The Little Dutch Boy.
Oh, that's a charming story.

I thought Victoria and Theodore

could play the
little girl and boy.

Hans kisses Gretchen.

Hm, just might have
a little trouble there.

Oh?

Ever since I can remember,

little boys in the fifth grade

have had an aversion
to kissing little girls.

You know, that's one of the
reasons I picked Theodore.

I thought of that, but
Theodore's older now,

and he's so enthusiastic
and cooperative.

I don't think he'll mind it.

Perhaps not.

What happened to
little Gilbert Harrison?

I hear he didn't make it.

Well, for some reason or other,

he kept giggling when
he was reciting his poem.

I'm not surprised.
I had his father.

He used to giggle
when I called on him

for the multiplication table.

Vicky, you're going
to play Gretchen.

Thank you, Miss Landers.

And Theodore, you're
going to play Hans,

the little Dutch boy.

Gee, is that the head guy?

Yes, I guess you could
call him the head guy.

And, Penny, you're
going to play the old crone.

My mother got the
play from the library,

and she said I
should play Gretchen.

Well, maybe the
next time, Penny.

What's a crone?

Oh, it's like a
witch, only uglier!

And, Harry, you're going to
play the happy burgermeister,

whom everybody loves.

Thank you.

And, Richard,
you're Kraus the cow.

You mean, I don't
get to throw my voice?

No, not this time, Richard.

Now, I want you all
to take the play home

and study it tonight,

and then perhaps your parents

will help you with your parts.

All right, children, you may go.

Boy, that's neat, Beaver,

you getting to
play the head guy.

Yeah, but it's too bad

you don't get to
throw your voice.

Oh, it's okay, I guess.

I don't know any
cow jokes anyway.

You mean, Beaver's
really playing the lead?

Our Theodore is
the little Dutch boy.

Well, how did he react?

I remember how it was when
you were in the fifth grade

and got the lead
in the class play.

You were either overjoyed,

or you considered
running away from home.

Oh, well, he was very happy!

He brought home his costume

with the wooden
shoes and everything.

Well, his acting career
has come a long way

since he stood there
and played a shaky tree.

He wants us to help him
memorize his lines tonight.

You know, it's
really kind of a kick

having him get the lead.

I just hope the
night of the play,

I have strength of
character enough

to not act like
a typical father.

Well, if I see any signs of it,

I'll be the first
to let you know.

Come on, Beav. Let
me see your costume.

In a minute, Wally! I've
still gotta put on my hat.

Here I come!

Oh, brother!

What do you mean?

Take a look in the mirror,
and you'll see what I mean.

Well, I think I
look pretty good.

Well, sure. That's 'cause
you're looking at yourself.

If you were me looking at you,
you'd bust out laughing, too.

You're just laughing,
because you're my brother.

Nobody else is gonna laugh.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about all those
wise guys in your school?

Aren't they givin'
you the business?

Huh-uh. Miss Landers has
got all the big guys in the play,

so who's around to laugh at me?

Well, okay. Hey, but look, Beav.

If Eddie or any of my
friends drop around here,

don't let them see
you in that costume.

How come?

'Cause they think you're a
big enough creep already.

Now, let's take
that last line again,

and, uh, show more
enthusiasm, Beaver.

Okay, Dad.

"Do not be afraid, Gretchen.

I have come across
the whole of Flanders

to take you away from
this wicked castle."

"Oh, Hans, I knew
you would come,

even though the cruel
soldiers told me you were dead."

Well, uh, Dad, I think
maybe we'd better wait

'til Mom gets out
here to play Gretchen.

She looks more like
Victoria Bennett than you do.

Oh, I think we
can run through it

until your mother
gets here. Heh.

"Uh, hark, someone approaches.

I think it is my cruel
and wicked stepmother."

"Open up in there!

The wedding guests are arriving,

and your bridegroom,
Count Ferdinand,

grows impatient!"

"Go now, Hans!
Your life is in danger!"

I go, but I will return

before the sun
rises in the east.

And Hans takes
Gretchen in his arms,

kisses her, and exits.

Huh?

Kisses and exits.

Boy, I'm not kissing
any creepy girl

in front of a whole
bunch of people.

Oh, come on, now, Beaver.
It's just part of the plot.

Well, sure, Beav. You'd
better get used to it.

This sounds like
the kind of play

that's got a lot
of kissing in it.

Huh-uh. I'd rather
go out on the stage

in my underwear
than kiss a girl.

Oh, now, Beaver! Miss
Landers is counting on you.

I'll get sick! I'll
leave school!

I'll even croak before I do it!

Well, how's the little
Dutch boy coming?

He's not coming at all!

He's going up in his bathroom
and locking himself in!

What in the world is the matter?

Well, you should
have seen it, Mom.

The Beaver just blew his top!

It, uh, seems the Dutch boy

is supposed to
kiss the Dutch girl,

and Beaver doesn't
want any part of it.

Well, I think that would make
a very sweet, romantic picture.

Well, gee, Mom.
Don't tell him that.

He'll never come
out of the bathroom.

Well, Ward, we can't let
him drop out of the play

for a little thing like this.

Well, to him, it
probably doesn't seem

like a little thing, but
I'll go up and talk to him.

"Open up in there!

The wedding guests are arriving,

and your bridegroom,
Count Ferdinand,

grows impatient!"

Wally, I don't think this
is any time to be funny.

Well, gee, Mom, there's no
sense in all of us cracking up.

Beaver, are you in there?

Yes, sir.

Well, come on out a minute, son.

I want to talk to you.

Yes.

Beav, I guess you feel like you
have a pretty big problem here, huh?

The biggest one I ever had.

Well, you know, it may
seem that way now, son,

but two weeks from now,

the whole thing
will be forgotten.

Yeah, but I've still gotta be
around for those two weeks.

Well, Beaver, no one's
gonna laugh at you

or make fun of you.

Kissing the girl is
just part of the play.

And, anyway, it isn't
you kissing Victoria.

It's the Dutch boy
kissing the Dutch girl.

Now, when you
think of it that way,

doesn't it make it easier?

Huh-uh.

I'll still know it's me up there

making a creep out of myself.

Beaver, you go to the movies,
and you see people like,

uh, John Wayne and
Gary Cooper kissing girls.

They don't think
anything of it at all.

Well, sure, but they're so big

that nobody dares laugh at them.

Well, Beaver,
it isn't very often

that I insist you do something
that you don't want to do,

but you got yourself
into this Dramatic Club.

Now, you've been given
a part, and I don't want you

to let Miss Landers or
your classmates down.

Well, okay, Dad, but you
gotta promise me one thing.

What's that?

Promise me that you, or
Mom, or Wally won't be there.

You don't want us to be there?

Huh-uh.

If I'm gonna make a
creep out of myself,

it'll be easier doing it
without you guys watching me.

Well, it'll be a big
disappointment, Beaver,

but all right.

Uh, is it okay if I
come in now, Dad?

Yes, Wally.

I guess you're gonna
have to do it, huh, Beav?

Yeah, but how'd you know?

Well, I just figured this
was one of those things

that Dad wasn't gonna
let ya bawl your way out of.

Yeah. Will you tell
me one thing, Wally?

Well, sure. What?

What's it like?

Well, what's what like?

Well, kissing a girl.

Well, gee, Beaver, I don't
want to talk about stuff like that.

Well, I don't either,
but I've gotta know,

on account of I
promised I'd do it.

Well, well, look.

You kissed Aunt Martha
and Aunt Helen, didn't ya?

Sure, but that's no help.

I even kissed Uncle Billy.

Well, kissing a girl at your age

is a lot different from
when you're my age.

Yeah, I know, but how come?

Well, you wouldn't even
know what I was talking about.

How do you know I wouldn't?

Do you remember when I
tried to explain geometry to you,

and you just didn't dig it?

Well, yeah.

Well, it's the same
thing with kissing.

You're too young to dig it,

and there's nothing
you can do about it.

Girls make me sick.

When do they stop
making a guy sick?

Well, look, Beaver,

they used to make me sick, too,

but so did taking baths.

But you take a lot of baths now.

Well, yeah, I know.

I guess girls stop
making you sick

just about the same time
baths stop making you sick.

How will I know when
it happens to me?

Well, one of these days,

when you're checking
your own ears for dirt,

girls are gonna start
looking good to you.

You know something, Wally?

What?

You explained geometry
a whole lot better

than you did girls.

Oh, I'm very happy that
Beaver's gonna stay in the play.

Oh, I think it's a shame that
we can't be there to see him.

Well, I promised him.
Hmph, you know, it's funny.

When I was in 4H Club,
I entered a hog in the fair

and won first prize.

I was too embarrassed
to have my father there

to see me get the ribbon.

I don't get the connection.

Well, I guess Beaver has
the same attitude toward girls

as I did toward hogs.

- Hey, Richard.
- Yeah?

Did you practice being a
cow in the play last night?

Yeah, I sure did!

I was up in my room
mooing all over the place.

Then my dad came up
and told me to cut it out

and do my homework.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

And then I told him
it was my homework!

Boy, I really had him there.

Hey, Vicky.

What is it, Beaver?

Well, can I ask you something?

I guess so.

What did you want to ask me?

Well, did you read your
part in the play last night?

Uh-huh, I read it.

Well, did you read
page 12 near the bottom?

I guess you mean the part

where you're
supposed to kiss me.

Yeah, that's the part,

but I just didn't want to
come right out and say it.

Well, what do you think?

I think it's creepy.

You mean, you're
not gonna do it?

My mother's making me do it.

How come?

Well, we had a big
thing at our house.

I started crying and everything,

but my mom said that she wasn't
gonna pay 4.98 for a costume

and have me back out.

We had a big thing
at our house, too.

I even locked myself
in the bathroom.

I'm not allowed to
do that at my house.

I've got too many
brothers and sisters.

You think it'll make us sick?

I'm gonna pretend
it isn't even you.

Hey, that's a good idea.

I could pretend
you're my Uncle Billy.

I guess we can get by with it.

Yeah, but I sure wish

I was playing the
happy burgermeister.

Hey, Mom! Hey, Dad.

Miss Landers just let
Beaver off out front.

The play must be over.

I'm just dying to know
how everything went.

Oh, now, June, don't
ask a lot of questions.

He's had kind of
a rough time of it,

and we don't want to
embarrass him anymore.

Let's just pretend this is a
plain, ordinary evening, huh?

Well, I see you're home.

Yeah, I see it, too.

Well, I think I'll
go to bed now.

Uh, well, uh, Beaver,
we, uh, we thought

you might like to tell us
how things went tonight.

Uh, were, were there
a lot of people there?

Oh, yeah. There
were a lot of people.

Well, they had the
auditorium chairs

and the cafeteria chairs,

and Clarence said they even
had some undertaker chairs.

Oh.

Well, um, did everyone
know his or her lines?

Yeah, everybody
knew his or her lines.

Uh, Beav, I, I think
what Mom means is

what happened when
you kissed Vicky?

Well, nothing. I kissed her,

and I climbed out
of the castle window,

and that was all.

Well, now, then, that wasn't
so bad, after all, was it, son?

Mm, no, but I don't
think I'll ever get to where

I enjoy it as much
as Wally does.

Well, good night,
Mom. Good night, Dad.

Good night, Beaver.

Wally, what did he mean by that?

Oh, well, uh, gee,
Mom, I don't know.

I mean, you know, kids his age

are always saying
goofy stuff like that.

Maybe he's going off
his trolley or something.