Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 8 - Bad Girls - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Take a deep breath
and close your eyes,
and you will get a big surprise.
- Yeah?
- Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Can you guess?
You washed your hair.
No!
Open up.
Not your mouth!
Open up your eyes.
Yeah, so?
Well, say hello to Carmine.
Hello, Carmine.
Aren't you going
to say hello to me?
Don't you like me?
Hello, cat.
Would you take me home with you?
Every time I ask
you, you say no!
Oh, no! When I talk like
this, it's my kitty voice.
When I talk like this,
it's my Shirley voice.
So do you want the cat or what?
This is my Carmine voice.
I don't want the cat.
He's a troublemaker.
He's got catnip on his breath.
Oh, no, he doesn't, pshaw.
Come on. This cat happens
to come from a very
well-behaved home.
I'm not taking him,
Shirl. I don't want...
Oh, please?
What am I gonna do with a cat?
Shirl, Shirl, the kitty got
in your underwear drawer
and tore your garter
belts to shreds.
No. Ixnay, ixnay, on the ordray.
I'm trying to give one of
these kittens to Carmine.
Oh, take one, Carmine.
What difference does it make?
Your place is always a mess.
I'm not taking one.
Please? Uh, will you
excuse us for a moment?
You're taking one.
I'm not taking one, Shirl.
You won't be sorry.
I won't?
No, you won't.
And I'm just going
to love living with you.
- Is that the kitty voice?
- Yes.
Just checking.
I like kitties as
much as the next guy,
but not in my
macaroni and cheese.
Oh, no!
Yeah, he's all
covered with stuff.
Oh, no, I can't help it
if they follow me home.
Sure, you can. Just stop putting
tuna fish in your penny loafers.
They're so cute.
Look at this. Look at this.
Okay, but just be sure
Mrs. B. doesn't know
we have cats in the building.
How are you...?
What cats in the building?
Cats? I didn't say "cats."
I said "bats," bats
in the building.
There are no bats
in this building.
And that's why
we love living here.
Who's this?
- Oh, this is my niece, Vicki.
- Hi.
This is Laverne
and this is Shirley.
- Hi. -Hi. Nice to meet ya.
- Hi, come on in.
- Sit down. Nice to meet you, Vick.
- Make yourself at home.
Oh, we've always wanted
to meet one of Mrs...
Would you get off of me?
Sorry. I thought I
was sitting there.
I'm sorry.
So, are you visiting,
or did you move here?
- Moved.
- Oh.
Vicki moved here with
her parents from Detroit.
Oh, Detroit. I have a
cousin who lives in Detroit.
He makes glove compartments.
You having trouble
making friends?
Yeah.
Ah, I know just how you feel.
When I moved here from Brooklyn,
I didn't know a living soul,
except my pop, of course.
And then one day, I met Shirley.
A banner day in her life.
I suggested she join
a girls' club like I did
when I was her age.
But I understand
they've disbanded
the Lash Larue Fan Club.
- No!
- Oh, no!
- No, that nice building downtown? No!
- Those fools!
With all them whips
and everything?
What about the Debs?
What?
The Angora Debs.
The Angora Debs...
♪ Angora Debs, forever true ♪
♪ We'll stand
together, two by two ♪
♪ And if we must part ♪
♪ We pledge from our heart ♪
♪ Whatever goes... ♪
♪ Whatever comes... ♪
♪ We shall remain angora chums ♪
♪ The long years
won't rend us apart ♪
♪ We got an A, N, G-O-R-A ♪
♪ We got an A, N, G-O-R-A ♪
♪ We got an A, N, G-O-R-A ♪
♪ Angora Debs... ♪
♪ Hot stuff! ♪
♪ Sss... ♪
Hurry it up, Laverne.
I want to see the old
- clubhouse again.
- Wait a second.
- All right.
- They still kept the same locks.
You can still open 'em
with a Fudgsicle stick.
Yes, well you might have
shared that Fudgsicle with us.
It only works with
my teeth marks.
What a great-looking place.
Yeah, don't the memories
just sort of rush
back at you, Laverne?
Yeah. Oh, remember
mean old lady Appleby
who never used to give
us anything on Halloween?
I loved it the time when
we covered her from top
to bottom with toilet paper.
It was sort of a
social service project.
Yeah, it was like
a care package.
Uh-huh... Here
it is! Here it is!
Ooh... ooh!
So many romances
took off from this thing
we used to call it
"The launching pad."
Shirl, of course,
called it "the couch."
- I did not.
- You did so.
- I most certainly did not.
- You did so.
I'll have you know this is where
Phil Sibarsky gave
me my very first kiss.
Must have been real romantic.
Yeah. Well, no, I smiled,
and he kissed my teeth.
As I recall, I recorded it
in the official scrapbook.
Gee, that must be
around here somewhere.
Oh, yeah, they wouldn't
have thrown that out.
No.
Let me just test the springs.
Well, no.
Uh, talk about your
memories, Shirl.
Ta-da!
The Tarantula Banner!
Yep.
This is a pretty
creepy-looking banner for a club
called the "Angora Debs."
Oh, no, no, this belonged to
our rival club The Tarantulas.
The name really fit them.
All the girls had hairy legs.
You mean you just grabbed
it, and you got away scot free?
Yeah, of course.
Well, no, not exactly.
A couple of days later
they caught up with me
and then ran my
pants up a flagpole.
It was a long walk
home that day.
I'll be hoodwinked!
Look at this.
What?
This doesn't speak very well of
the current recording secretary.
Look at that. Look at it.
Shirl! We're trying to breathe!
Sorry.
Hi!
This is private property.
What are you guys doing here?
What am I doing here?
What am I doing here?
Hit it, Shirl.
♪ Angora Debs, forever true ♪
♪ We'll stand
together, two by two ♪
Everybody!
♪ And if we must part ♪
♪ We pledge from our heart ♪
Come on, come on,
don't be shy, ladies!
I don't think they sing
this song anymore.
Who are you, somebody's mother?
Well, if you'd ever bothered
to look in the official scrapbook,
you might recognize me.
I, Shirley Feeney, am the
former recording secretary
for the Angora Debs.
Well, you got to
know who she is.
This is Laverne DeFazio,
the one who took the banner.
- Hey, you?
- Yeah.
- You're that Laverne?
- Yeah.
- Hey, that's terrific!
- Aw.
Uh, what can we do for you?
Oh, well, uh, Victoria
here would like
to become a member of the Debs.
Now I prepared her
official profile, if I may.
Victoria hails from Detroit.
Her hobbies are
swimming, art and dancing.
Shirl, Shirl, she's
not, she's not running
for Miss America, okay?
- I know that.
- Well, uh... well, I'd
sort of like it if Vicki here
could become an Angora Deb.
She's in.
You're in.
- I'm in?
- Yeah.
Oh, gee, I can't believe it!
Thanks, you guys, thanks,
Laverne, thanks, Shirley.
- Aw...
- It's nothing.
Congratulations, and here's
your own little private key
to the clubhouse.
If you ever lose it, call
the Good Humor man.
Have a good day,
girls, have fun.
- All right, Frank.
- I got it, I got it, I got it...
Please, please, please,
please, please, please?
Take me home with
you, please? Please?
But I don't want it!
Oh, please, how can you say no
to this adorable
little furry face?
How about this adorable
little furry face? No!
Poppy, Poppy, this
one's just like you.
It... it spits when
it's mad. Huh?
- Yeah, but I can't have a cat.
- Why?
It gets its hair in
the pizza dough.
Oh, Frank, take the cat.
I want them out of my building.
All right, then you
talk to my customers
when they get hairballs.
Come on, Poppy, please, please?
I mean, he could be the
son you always wanted.
And it spits, too?
Yeah. And he
smells from macaroni.
Ah. Hey, good. I'll take him.
- You got him!
- Oh, great! -
Now listen, girls, I
want to thank you
- for getting Vicki into the Debs.
- Oh...
- She just loves it.
- Oh, great.
But she's driving me
nuts with that song.
Let's feed the cat.
♪ We got an A and
an N, and a G-O-R-A ♪
♪ We got an A and
an N, and a G-O-R-A ♪
♪ We got an A and
an N, and a G-O-R-A ♪
♪ Angora Debs... ♪
♪ Hot stuff! ♪
♪ Sss... ♪
Oh, that's great,
you learned the song!
Oh, I hope you teach
it to the rest of the girls.
Yeah, oh, boy, look!
You got a jacket and everything.
Oh, I want to hear
all about the Debs.
Mary, three beer... cokes.
Okay, so what's been going
on? What have you been doing?
It is great!
Tonight, we're going to
sneak into Fillmore High...
Yeah?
And steal all the
movie projectors.
- Huh?
- What?
The Debs... stealing?
Oh, no, wait a minute.
I mean, I know the Debs
always had a reputation
for pulling pranks and...
Yes, I myself owned
a whoopee cushion.
Yeah, you were the
envy of all the Debs.
But I mean, we're talking
about stealing here.
Well, don't pick on me.
All the Debs are doing it.
Well, maybe we shouldn't
have taken you to the Debs.
They sure aren't the
Debs I used to know.
Yeah, I think you should quit.
I'm not quitting the
Debs. They're my friends.
- They're my friends!
- You don't need friends like that.
Yeah, and I ain't letting you
and your "friends"
get away with stealing.
What are you doing?
Hello, operator,
get me the police.
You wait till the Debs
hear about this, you traitors!
You aren't really gonna
call the cops, are you?
Nah, I just wanted to
scare the pants off of her.
Yeah, that's probably
all she needs.
Probably all any of them need.
Yeah, they just like to
talk big just like we used to.
Yeah.
I mean, when you
come right down to it,
all we did was put
one piece of toilet paper
on old lady Appleby's forehead.
Yeah, and we got her
permission to do that.
Yeah.
And that's a name.
And besides, I told you
we'd find a good home
for the last kitten, didn't I?
Yeah, but I don't think
it's such a hot idea
to trade him for
a dog with no tail.
Don't be silly, it
does tricks and it...
Oh.
We've been robbed!
I thought they only
robbed rich people.
So help me, if they laid a hand
on the Feeney
family album, I'll...
Oh, no, here it is!
Oh, thank goodness!
Oh, no, Shirl, not that
noise, not that noise!
Come on, you're giving
the dog monkey nerves!
Anyway, robbers didn't do this.
- It was the Debs.
- How do you know?
How do I know?
That's it, Shirl. You're
gonna have to help me
get my bed out of the closet.
- I...
- I can't believe it. I just can't...
Those rotten little kids!
I'd like to kill them,
you know that?
Oh, don't say that;
they're just children.
Right. I'll hit them over the
head with their Barbie dolls.
No, no, no.
- I know what we should do.
- What?
We should give
them a firm talking to.
Go easy on them, killer.
I just don't understand
it, I don't understand it!
I mean, especially Vicki.
After all I did for her, and
this is how she pays us back.
Do you remember when we
had Math One with Mr. Lippincott?
Shirl, I'm standing in garbage
and you're playing
This Is Your Life.
No, no. No, no.
Just bear with me for a moment.
- Calm down. Sit down.
- What?
- Sit, sit, sit.
- Just sit right here.
Just sit right there.
You remember how you and
Donna Monroe were going to
slash Mr. Lippincott's
tires just for the heck of it?
Well, it seemed like more fun
than doing his stupid homework.
Well, you remember how I
had to talk to you and Donna?
Oh, yeah, the speech.
It worked.
I guess.
You said it to me enough times.
Every time I was
heading for trouble,
you'd come out with the speech.
That's right.
Donna didn't listen.
She went ahead and
slashed Mr. Lippincott's tires.
And look what happened to her.
She got pregnant.
She got arrested.
For slashing the tires?
For robbing a bank.
Then she got pregnant.
No, then she was
put on probation.
Then she got pregnant.
After she married
her probation officer.
- And then she got pregnant.
- Yes!
Well, I knew she got pregnant.
Oh, your mind sometimes
just goes straight down a path...
Well, what is the point
of this whole thing?
The point is that Vicki
and the rest of the Debs
should have the same
chance that you and Donna had.
To decide between
right and wrong.
I'm going down
to that clubhouse,
and I'm going to give
those girls my speech.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Let's make them come
back here and clean up first.
Then you'll give
them the speech.
- Well, wh...
- And while they're at it,
they are going to clean every
spot on that bathroom floor.
Well, wait, they didn't
hurt the bathroom floor.
Yeah, but while
they're cleaning, they...
Boy, I love the job we
did on their apartment.
Yeah!
Serves those squealers right.
Yeah!
I wish I could see the
looks on their faces
when they walked
through that door.
Okay, here's my
face, smart mouth.
Now I have one
question to ask you.
Are you going to go back there
and clean up my
apartment or what?
Forget it.
Look, us Angora
Debs ain't afraid of you.
Things have changed
since the Stone Age
- when you guys were here.
- Yeah!
We ain't a bunch of
wimps, like the old Debs.
- Yeah.
- Wimps.
Is that so?
Yeah.
Well, I didn't want
to have to do this,
but I guess you forced me to.
I'd like you to say hello to
some "wimps from the Stone Age"
who've gone on to some
bigger and better things.
Shirley Feeney, Debs, 1952.
Alias: Wilhelmina,
the "Wiry Wonder."
Okay, chickies, you're
up to your ears in it now.
'Cause Feeney's
here, so just stay cool.
- Shirl, please...
- 'Cause if I lose my temper...
Please, just stand over here.
It's black and
blue city for you.
I'm talking Bruiseville.
I'm... You're embarrassing me!
Shh!
Terry Buttafucco, Debs, 1952.
Come on out here.
Thanks for taking time
off the loading dock.
Hey, my pleasure.
Hey, look at that, they
still got the hole in the door.
Yeah.
From where I punched it!
Okay, Terr, over there.
Never mind the
step, never mind...
Okay, the Tweedy Sisters.
Carole the Crusher,
Antoinette the
Enforcer, Debs, 1953.
Lucky for us you
weren't wrestling tonight.
Excuse me, Enforcer,
did you have trouble
getting a babysitter?
- 'Cause I...
- Shirley, please!
Well, she told me... Shh!
And now the girls that
put the "gore" in Angora,
Lenore and Squendelyn.
Say hello, girls!
Hello.
All right, now, before
the rough stuff starts,
any of you gals want
to swap blouses?
Lenore!
All right.
We'll momen... We'll
momentarily rumble.
But first, I have one question.
Which one of us do
you think is prettier?
Now, I think...
Please, please,
just go over there
and stand with the
rest of the girls, all right?
Catty, catty, catty.
Now, Laverne?
Now.
All right, now, one more time.
Are you going to clean
up the apartment or what?
Should I bring my own broom?
No, we got everything
that's necessary.
Go ahead.
- Come on.
- You, too, Vicki.
- Come on, come on.
- Terry, take care of them.
Wait a minute.
You, you ought to be
taking notes for the
official scrapbook!
All right.
Not bad, not bad.
Oh, the ladies were great.
- Weren't they?
- And also the semi-ladies.
Yeah. Thanks for considering
us semi-ladies, anyway.
Well, now you boys can go
home and get out of those get-ups.
I don't wanna.
There's a chance we
might be able to get into
the roller derby
for free tonight.
It's Ladies' Night.
Okay, I think it's time
for my speech now.
No, no, not yet, not yet.
Just wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Okay, you girls finished?
Yeah.
Can we get out of here now?
Nope. I think it's
time for my speech.
Not yet, not yet. Just
hold your horses, okay?
Now, are any of you smart enough
to have learnt anything
from this little experience?
The only thing I learned
is not to trust grown-ups.
Yeah, they pretend
they're your friends
and then they rat on you.
I never told the
cops on you, Vicki.
I just wanted to scare you.
Happen to like you, and I didn't
want you getting into trouble.
I think it's time for
my speech, right...
Not yet!
What do you mean, not yet?!
Come on, let's go.
Hey, wait a minute.
Vicki, you don't
have to go with them.
I want to; they're my friends.
Now.
- Now.
- Come on.
Now, Shirl, now, now.
- What?
- The speech!
- Speech!
- What is the matter with...?!
Girls, girls, come back
here for a moment please!
Come back, come back, come back!
I have a few
words I'd like to say.
Girls, I beg you not to
slash Mr. Lippincott's tires.
Oh...
Wait a minute! Wait!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Come back here.
Come back, come back, come back.
Just... I had to get rolling.
I had to get rolling,
that's all, that's all.
Ladies, you don't have to
cause trouble to have fun.
Heck, no!
All you need is a little
imagination, that's all.
Inner tubes, sledding,
games... Oh, yes.
H-Have a slumber party,
or go sledding
in-in big inner tubes,
or make up your own
kind of crazy games.
But don't hurt people
just to have fun.
Because, uh, when
you come right down to it,
the world is a place
of do unto others
as you would have
them do unto you.
So what do you say?
See ya.
Vicki, you don't need them.
I'll be your friend.
Both of us will be.
We ain't got all day.
What are you doing?
Coming with me...
or staying with them?
Didn't work.
Think it was my speech?
Nah.
The speech was beautiful.
It stunk.
No, no, the speech was great.
I was moved.
Yeah, well, to be perfectly
honest with you, Laverne,
you're moved too easily.
You are. You're
moved by Sea Hunt.
Think about it.
Y-You cry when Lloyd
Bridges is in the water too long.
Well, it's... sad.
Least we got our
apartment cleaned.
- Yeah, we did do that, didn't we?
- Mm.
Let's take this trash
down to the incinerator.
I don't understand.
Well, sometimes you
win and... We're back.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We decided you were right.
We ain't going with the Debs.
You won't be sorry for this!
It was my speech,
it was my speech.
I'm sending this speech
to Reader's Digest.
Yeah, do that.
Later, you'll send it later.
I guess I'll get used to
not having many friends.
Well, what are
you talking about?
There's two of you, ain't there?
Yeah.
Well, one good friend is
all you need in this world.
Right, Laverne?
Right.
♪ Happy trails to you ♪
♪ Till we meet again... ♪
Oh.
You scared the holy
bejeebers out of us.
Oh, gee.
What are you two idiots
still doing in those outfits?
Well, me and Squendelyn...
Me and Squiggy were going...
we was on our way
down to join the YWCA.
So, we ran into
a couple of sailors
and they-they picked us up.
We was gonna tell them
the truth immediately,
but, well, they
were big spenders.
Yeah.
We are dealing with-with
some real sickos here.
We can't help it if we have
got the animal maggotism.
Right, right.
The point is, Laverne,
these two Casanovas,
now they're trying to
get something off us.
Oh.
Yeah, you got to help us.
Oh, well, that's how it is,
uh, when you are a
big tease like you are.
But I'm afraid you boys...
you boys are just going
to have to go out there
and face the music.
Yeah.
Oh, if it were only
just the music.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, what are we worried about?
I mean, after all, we are men.
That's right. Okay,
we'll take care of it.
Yeah.
Roll up your sleeves and
straighten your seams.
- Let's go.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, uh, Jeffrey, listen.
Oh...
I'm not that kind of a girl!
I'm not that kind of a girl!
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Take a deep breath
and close your eyes,
and you will get a big surprise.
- Yeah?
- Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
Can you guess?
You washed your hair.
No!
Open up.
Not your mouth!
Open up your eyes.
Yeah, so?
Well, say hello to Carmine.
Hello, Carmine.
Aren't you going
to say hello to me?
Don't you like me?
Hello, cat.
Would you take me home with you?
Every time I ask
you, you say no!
Oh, no! When I talk like
this, it's my kitty voice.
When I talk like this,
it's my Shirley voice.
So do you want the cat or what?
This is my Carmine voice.
I don't want the cat.
He's a troublemaker.
He's got catnip on his breath.
Oh, no, he doesn't, pshaw.
Come on. This cat happens
to come from a very
well-behaved home.
I'm not taking him,
Shirl. I don't want...
Oh, please?
What am I gonna do with a cat?
Shirl, Shirl, the kitty got
in your underwear drawer
and tore your garter
belts to shreds.
No. Ixnay, ixnay, on the ordray.
I'm trying to give one of
these kittens to Carmine.
Oh, take one, Carmine.
What difference does it make?
Your place is always a mess.
I'm not taking one.
Please? Uh, will you
excuse us for a moment?
You're taking one.
I'm not taking one, Shirl.
You won't be sorry.
I won't?
No, you won't.
And I'm just going
to love living with you.
- Is that the kitty voice?
- Yes.
Just checking.
I like kitties as
much as the next guy,
but not in my
macaroni and cheese.
Oh, no!
Yeah, he's all
covered with stuff.
Oh, no, I can't help it
if they follow me home.
Sure, you can. Just stop putting
tuna fish in your penny loafers.
They're so cute.
Look at this. Look at this.
Okay, but just be sure
Mrs. B. doesn't know
we have cats in the building.
How are you...?
What cats in the building?
Cats? I didn't say "cats."
I said "bats," bats
in the building.
There are no bats
in this building.
And that's why
we love living here.
Who's this?
- Oh, this is my niece, Vicki.
- Hi.
This is Laverne
and this is Shirley.
- Hi. -Hi. Nice to meet ya.
- Hi, come on in.
- Sit down. Nice to meet you, Vick.
- Make yourself at home.
Oh, we've always wanted
to meet one of Mrs...
Would you get off of me?
Sorry. I thought I
was sitting there.
I'm sorry.
So, are you visiting,
or did you move here?
- Moved.
- Oh.
Vicki moved here with
her parents from Detroit.
Oh, Detroit. I have a
cousin who lives in Detroit.
He makes glove compartments.
You having trouble
making friends?
Yeah.
Ah, I know just how you feel.
When I moved here from Brooklyn,
I didn't know a living soul,
except my pop, of course.
And then one day, I met Shirley.
A banner day in her life.
I suggested she join
a girls' club like I did
when I was her age.
But I understand
they've disbanded
the Lash Larue Fan Club.
- No!
- Oh, no!
- No, that nice building downtown? No!
- Those fools!
With all them whips
and everything?
What about the Debs?
What?
The Angora Debs.
The Angora Debs...
♪ Angora Debs, forever true ♪
♪ We'll stand
together, two by two ♪
♪ And if we must part ♪
♪ We pledge from our heart ♪
♪ Whatever goes... ♪
♪ Whatever comes... ♪
♪ We shall remain angora chums ♪
♪ The long years
won't rend us apart ♪
♪ We got an A, N, G-O-R-A ♪
♪ We got an A, N, G-O-R-A ♪
♪ We got an A, N, G-O-R-A ♪
♪ Angora Debs... ♪
♪ Hot stuff! ♪
♪ Sss... ♪
Hurry it up, Laverne.
I want to see the old
- clubhouse again.
- Wait a second.
- All right.
- They still kept the same locks.
You can still open 'em
with a Fudgsicle stick.
Yes, well you might have
shared that Fudgsicle with us.
It only works with
my teeth marks.
What a great-looking place.
Yeah, don't the memories
just sort of rush
back at you, Laverne?
Yeah. Oh, remember
mean old lady Appleby
who never used to give
us anything on Halloween?
I loved it the time when
we covered her from top
to bottom with toilet paper.
It was sort of a
social service project.
Yeah, it was like
a care package.
Uh-huh... Here
it is! Here it is!
Ooh... ooh!
So many romances
took off from this thing
we used to call it
"The launching pad."
Shirl, of course,
called it "the couch."
- I did not.
- You did so.
- I most certainly did not.
- You did so.
I'll have you know this is where
Phil Sibarsky gave
me my very first kiss.
Must have been real romantic.
Yeah. Well, no, I smiled,
and he kissed my teeth.
As I recall, I recorded it
in the official scrapbook.
Gee, that must be
around here somewhere.
Oh, yeah, they wouldn't
have thrown that out.
No.
Let me just test the springs.
Well, no.
Uh, talk about your
memories, Shirl.
Ta-da!
The Tarantula Banner!
Yep.
This is a pretty
creepy-looking banner for a club
called the "Angora Debs."
Oh, no, no, this belonged to
our rival club The Tarantulas.
The name really fit them.
All the girls had hairy legs.
You mean you just grabbed
it, and you got away scot free?
Yeah, of course.
Well, no, not exactly.
A couple of days later
they caught up with me
and then ran my
pants up a flagpole.
It was a long walk
home that day.
I'll be hoodwinked!
Look at this.
What?
This doesn't speak very well of
the current recording secretary.
Look at that. Look at it.
Shirl! We're trying to breathe!
Sorry.
Hi!
This is private property.
What are you guys doing here?
What am I doing here?
What am I doing here?
Hit it, Shirl.
♪ Angora Debs, forever true ♪
♪ We'll stand
together, two by two ♪
Everybody!
♪ And if we must part ♪
♪ We pledge from our heart ♪
Come on, come on,
don't be shy, ladies!
I don't think they sing
this song anymore.
Who are you, somebody's mother?
Well, if you'd ever bothered
to look in the official scrapbook,
you might recognize me.
I, Shirley Feeney, am the
former recording secretary
for the Angora Debs.
Well, you got to
know who she is.
This is Laverne DeFazio,
the one who took the banner.
- Hey, you?
- Yeah.
- You're that Laverne?
- Yeah.
- Hey, that's terrific!
- Aw.
Uh, what can we do for you?
Oh, well, uh, Victoria
here would like
to become a member of the Debs.
Now I prepared her
official profile, if I may.
Victoria hails from Detroit.
Her hobbies are
swimming, art and dancing.
Shirl, Shirl, she's
not, she's not running
for Miss America, okay?
- I know that.
- Well, uh... well, I'd
sort of like it if Vicki here
could become an Angora Deb.
She's in.
You're in.
- I'm in?
- Yeah.
Oh, gee, I can't believe it!
Thanks, you guys, thanks,
Laverne, thanks, Shirley.
- Aw...
- It's nothing.
Congratulations, and here's
your own little private key
to the clubhouse.
If you ever lose it, call
the Good Humor man.
Have a good day,
girls, have fun.
- All right, Frank.
- I got it, I got it, I got it...
Please, please, please,
please, please, please?
Take me home with
you, please? Please?
But I don't want it!
Oh, please, how can you say no
to this adorable
little furry face?
How about this adorable
little furry face? No!
Poppy, Poppy, this
one's just like you.
It... it spits when
it's mad. Huh?
- Yeah, but I can't have a cat.
- Why?
It gets its hair in
the pizza dough.
Oh, Frank, take the cat.
I want them out of my building.
All right, then you
talk to my customers
when they get hairballs.
Come on, Poppy, please, please?
I mean, he could be the
son you always wanted.
And it spits, too?
Yeah. And he
smells from macaroni.
Ah. Hey, good. I'll take him.
- You got him!
- Oh, great! -
Now listen, girls, I
want to thank you
- for getting Vicki into the Debs.
- Oh...
- She just loves it.
- Oh, great.
But she's driving me
nuts with that song.
Let's feed the cat.
♪ We got an A and
an N, and a G-O-R-A ♪
♪ We got an A and
an N, and a G-O-R-A ♪
♪ We got an A and
an N, and a G-O-R-A ♪
♪ Angora Debs... ♪
♪ Hot stuff! ♪
♪ Sss... ♪
Oh, that's great,
you learned the song!
Oh, I hope you teach
it to the rest of the girls.
Yeah, oh, boy, look!
You got a jacket and everything.
Oh, I want to hear
all about the Debs.
Mary, three beer... cokes.
Okay, so what's been going
on? What have you been doing?
It is great!
Tonight, we're going to
sneak into Fillmore High...
Yeah?
And steal all the
movie projectors.
- Huh?
- What?
The Debs... stealing?
Oh, no, wait a minute.
I mean, I know the Debs
always had a reputation
for pulling pranks and...
Yes, I myself owned
a whoopee cushion.
Yeah, you were the
envy of all the Debs.
But I mean, we're talking
about stealing here.
Well, don't pick on me.
All the Debs are doing it.
Well, maybe we shouldn't
have taken you to the Debs.
They sure aren't the
Debs I used to know.
Yeah, I think you should quit.
I'm not quitting the
Debs. They're my friends.
- They're my friends!
- You don't need friends like that.
Yeah, and I ain't letting you
and your "friends"
get away with stealing.
What are you doing?
Hello, operator,
get me the police.
You wait till the Debs
hear about this, you traitors!
You aren't really gonna
call the cops, are you?
Nah, I just wanted to
scare the pants off of her.
Yeah, that's probably
all she needs.
Probably all any of them need.
Yeah, they just like to
talk big just like we used to.
Yeah.
I mean, when you
come right down to it,
all we did was put
one piece of toilet paper
on old lady Appleby's forehead.
Yeah, and we got her
permission to do that.
Yeah.
And that's a name.
And besides, I told you
we'd find a good home
for the last kitten, didn't I?
Yeah, but I don't think
it's such a hot idea
to trade him for
a dog with no tail.
Don't be silly, it
does tricks and it...
Oh.
We've been robbed!
I thought they only
robbed rich people.
So help me, if they laid a hand
on the Feeney
family album, I'll...
Oh, no, here it is!
Oh, thank goodness!
Oh, no, Shirl, not that
noise, not that noise!
Come on, you're giving
the dog monkey nerves!
Anyway, robbers didn't do this.
- It was the Debs.
- How do you know?
How do I know?
That's it, Shirl. You're
gonna have to help me
get my bed out of the closet.
- I...
- I can't believe it. I just can't...
Those rotten little kids!
I'd like to kill them,
you know that?
Oh, don't say that;
they're just children.
Right. I'll hit them over the
head with their Barbie dolls.
No, no, no.
- I know what we should do.
- What?
We should give
them a firm talking to.
Go easy on them, killer.
I just don't understand
it, I don't understand it!
I mean, especially Vicki.
After all I did for her, and
this is how she pays us back.
Do you remember when we
had Math One with Mr. Lippincott?
Shirl, I'm standing in garbage
and you're playing
This Is Your Life.
No, no. No, no.
Just bear with me for a moment.
- Calm down. Sit down.
- What?
- Sit, sit, sit.
- Just sit right here.
Just sit right there.
You remember how you and
Donna Monroe were going to
slash Mr. Lippincott's
tires just for the heck of it?
Well, it seemed like more fun
than doing his stupid homework.
Well, you remember how I
had to talk to you and Donna?
Oh, yeah, the speech.
It worked.
I guess.
You said it to me enough times.
Every time I was
heading for trouble,
you'd come out with the speech.
That's right.
Donna didn't listen.
She went ahead and
slashed Mr. Lippincott's tires.
And look what happened to her.
She got pregnant.
She got arrested.
For slashing the tires?
For robbing a bank.
Then she got pregnant.
No, then she was
put on probation.
Then she got pregnant.
After she married
her probation officer.
- And then she got pregnant.
- Yes!
Well, I knew she got pregnant.
Oh, your mind sometimes
just goes straight down a path...
Well, what is the point
of this whole thing?
The point is that Vicki
and the rest of the Debs
should have the same
chance that you and Donna had.
To decide between
right and wrong.
I'm going down
to that clubhouse,
and I'm going to give
those girls my speech.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Let's make them come
back here and clean up first.
Then you'll give
them the speech.
- Well, wh...
- And while they're at it,
they are going to clean every
spot on that bathroom floor.
Well, wait, they didn't
hurt the bathroom floor.
Yeah, but while
they're cleaning, they...
Boy, I love the job we
did on their apartment.
Yeah!
Serves those squealers right.
Yeah!
I wish I could see the
looks on their faces
when they walked
through that door.
Okay, here's my
face, smart mouth.
Now I have one
question to ask you.
Are you going to go back there
and clean up my
apartment or what?
Forget it.
Look, us Angora
Debs ain't afraid of you.
Things have changed
since the Stone Age
- when you guys were here.
- Yeah!
We ain't a bunch of
wimps, like the old Debs.
- Yeah.
- Wimps.
Is that so?
Yeah.
Well, I didn't want
to have to do this,
but I guess you forced me to.
I'd like you to say hello to
some "wimps from the Stone Age"
who've gone on to some
bigger and better things.
Shirley Feeney, Debs, 1952.
Alias: Wilhelmina,
the "Wiry Wonder."
Okay, chickies, you're
up to your ears in it now.
'Cause Feeney's
here, so just stay cool.
- Shirl, please...
- 'Cause if I lose my temper...
Please, just stand over here.
It's black and
blue city for you.
I'm talking Bruiseville.
I'm... You're embarrassing me!
Shh!
Terry Buttafucco, Debs, 1952.
Come on out here.
Thanks for taking time
off the loading dock.
Hey, my pleasure.
Hey, look at that, they
still got the hole in the door.
Yeah.
From where I punched it!
Okay, Terr, over there.
Never mind the
step, never mind...
Okay, the Tweedy Sisters.
Carole the Crusher,
Antoinette the
Enforcer, Debs, 1953.
Lucky for us you
weren't wrestling tonight.
Excuse me, Enforcer,
did you have trouble
getting a babysitter?
- 'Cause I...
- Shirley, please!
Well, she told me... Shh!
And now the girls that
put the "gore" in Angora,
Lenore and Squendelyn.
Say hello, girls!
Hello.
All right, now, before
the rough stuff starts,
any of you gals want
to swap blouses?
Lenore!
All right.
We'll momen... We'll
momentarily rumble.
But first, I have one question.
Which one of us do
you think is prettier?
Now, I think...
Please, please,
just go over there
and stand with the
rest of the girls, all right?
Catty, catty, catty.
Now, Laverne?
Now.
All right, now, one more time.
Are you going to clean
up the apartment or what?
Should I bring my own broom?
No, we got everything
that's necessary.
Go ahead.
- Come on.
- You, too, Vicki.
- Come on, come on.
- Terry, take care of them.
Wait a minute.
You, you ought to be
taking notes for the
official scrapbook!
All right.
Not bad, not bad.
Oh, the ladies were great.
- Weren't they?
- And also the semi-ladies.
Yeah. Thanks for considering
us semi-ladies, anyway.
Well, now you boys can go
home and get out of those get-ups.
I don't wanna.
There's a chance we
might be able to get into
the roller derby
for free tonight.
It's Ladies' Night.
Okay, I think it's time
for my speech now.
No, no, not yet, not yet.
Just wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Okay, you girls finished?
Yeah.
Can we get out of here now?
Nope. I think it's
time for my speech.
Not yet, not yet. Just
hold your horses, okay?
Now, are any of you smart enough
to have learnt anything
from this little experience?
The only thing I learned
is not to trust grown-ups.
Yeah, they pretend
they're your friends
and then they rat on you.
I never told the
cops on you, Vicki.
I just wanted to scare you.
Happen to like you, and I didn't
want you getting into trouble.
I think it's time for
my speech, right...
Not yet!
What do you mean, not yet?!
Come on, let's go.
Hey, wait a minute.
Vicki, you don't
have to go with them.
I want to; they're my friends.
Now.
- Now.
- Come on.
Now, Shirl, now, now.
- What?
- The speech!
- Speech!
- What is the matter with...?!
Girls, girls, come back
here for a moment please!
Come back, come back, come back!
I have a few
words I'd like to say.
Girls, I beg you not to
slash Mr. Lippincott's tires.
Oh...
Wait a minute! Wait!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
Come back here.
Come back, come back, come back.
Just... I had to get rolling.
I had to get rolling,
that's all, that's all.
Ladies, you don't have to
cause trouble to have fun.
Heck, no!
All you need is a little
imagination, that's all.
Inner tubes, sledding,
games... Oh, yes.
H-Have a slumber party,
or go sledding
in-in big inner tubes,
or make up your own
kind of crazy games.
But don't hurt people
just to have fun.
Because, uh, when
you come right down to it,
the world is a place
of do unto others
as you would have
them do unto you.
So what do you say?
See ya.
Vicki, you don't need them.
I'll be your friend.
Both of us will be.
We ain't got all day.
What are you doing?
Coming with me...
or staying with them?
Didn't work.
Think it was my speech?
Nah.
The speech was beautiful.
It stunk.
No, no, the speech was great.
I was moved.
Yeah, well, to be perfectly
honest with you, Laverne,
you're moved too easily.
You are. You're
moved by Sea Hunt.
Think about it.
Y-You cry when Lloyd
Bridges is in the water too long.
Well, it's... sad.
Least we got our
apartment cleaned.
- Yeah, we did do that, didn't we?
- Mm.
Let's take this trash
down to the incinerator.
I don't understand.
Well, sometimes you
win and... We're back.
- Hi.
- Hi.
We decided you were right.
We ain't going with the Debs.
You won't be sorry for this!
It was my speech,
it was my speech.
I'm sending this speech
to Reader's Digest.
Yeah, do that.
Later, you'll send it later.
I guess I'll get used to
not having many friends.
Well, what are
you talking about?
There's two of you, ain't there?
Yeah.
Well, one good friend is
all you need in this world.
Right, Laverne?
Right.
♪ Happy trails to you ♪
♪ Till we meet again... ♪
Oh.
You scared the holy
bejeebers out of us.
Oh, gee.
What are you two idiots
still doing in those outfits?
Well, me and Squendelyn...
Me and Squiggy were going...
we was on our way
down to join the YWCA.
So, we ran into
a couple of sailors
and they-they picked us up.
We was gonna tell them
the truth immediately,
but, well, they
were big spenders.
Yeah.
We are dealing with-with
some real sickos here.
We can't help it if we have
got the animal maggotism.
Right, right.
The point is, Laverne,
these two Casanovas,
now they're trying to
get something off us.
Oh.
Yeah, you got to help us.
Oh, well, that's how it is,
uh, when you are a
big tease like you are.
But I'm afraid you boys...
you boys are just going
to have to go out there
and face the music.
Yeah.
Oh, if it were only
just the music.
Mm-hmm.
Ah, what are we worried about?
I mean, after all, we are men.
That's right. Okay,
we'll take care of it.
Yeah.
Roll up your sleeves and
straighten your seams.
- Let's go.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, uh, Jeffrey, listen.
Oh...
I'm not that kind of a girl!
I'm not that kind of a girl!
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪