Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 9 - We're in the Army, Now: Part 1 - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
The promotion list is now
posted in the break room.
Shirl, we're shoo-ins
to be promoted to the
new senior bottle-cappers.
Here's where five years
of hard work pays off.
♪ I know you'd go
from rags to riches ♪
♪ If you would
only say you care ♪
♪ And though your
pockets may be empty ♪
Don't say a word, follow me.
♪ Must I forever be a beggar ♪
♪ Whose golden dreams
will not come true? ♪
♪ So open your arms
and you'll open the door ♪
♪ To every... ♪
No, don't, no, no,
I haven't finished yet, I
got one more surprise.
It's in the bedroom.
♪ Open your arms... ♪
Oh, Carmine.
Carmine, you don't understand.
We deserved those promotions!
Giving them to those two girls,
just because they went to
industrial-training school.
Well, big deal!
- How could Mr. Shotz do this to us?
- I know.
We spent five years of our
lives working our patooties off.
What did we wind up with, huh?
- I...
- Tired patooties.
♪ Forever be a beggar... ♪
Hey, Shirl, look.
I had Boo Boo Kitty
dolled up to help us, uh,
celebrate this
happy occasion, huh?
What do you say?
This is a happy
occasion, isn't it?
You didn't get the promotion?
No raise?
Oh, I'm sorry.
♪ Gray skies are
gonna clear up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face ♪
♪ And... ♪ Oof!
Girls, cheer up, will you?
Things will work out.
You don't have to look like
the wolf is at your front door.
- Come on.
- Hello.
Girls, we got great news.
Are you sitting down?
They're ready.
Dear Mr. Shotz has decided
to give Lenny and me a raise.
How about that, huh?
Not only that, we
got a promotion, too.
We're not even
truck drivers anymore.
Now we're semitruck drivers.
And you know why?
And you know why?
I'll tell you why.
'Cause he says we
do a semi-good job.
All right, all right,
all right, listen, guys.
We're all thrilled for
both of youse, all right,
but this is a bad time,
- can't you see?
- What are you talking about?
It's not that often
we get to celebrate
two birds with one stone.
Yeah, that's right,
lest we not forget that,
though we got a raise,
these girls here established
a new record at Shotz...
Most consecutive
years on the line
without getting a promotion.
A job well done on
that, too, girls, really.
All right, guys, out
of here, let's go.
- Oh, champagne.
- Whoo, champagne.
Now listen, mind you, that's
only the brewery record.
Now, if you want to
break the nationals,
you got to spend another
41 years on the line.
All right, let's go, let's go.
- Come on, party's over.
- Yeah, that's held by
Emil Haufnagger,
who did it in 19...
All right, guys, out
of here, let's go.
- Well, that's it.
- I can't... That's it!
That is just... it!
Nothing.
Well, what are we gonna do?
There's only one
thing left for us to do.
What?
Quit Shotz.
Quit the brewery?
Quit Shotz?
Quit... quit... Sh...
Shirl, you dropped your cat.
Shirl?
Shirl?
Yoo-hoo, come
on, Shirl, wake up.
There's nothing in there.
Come on, Shirl.
Don't act like this.
I mean, I've seen this on TV.
You don't snap out of this,
and you're going to spend
the rest of your life
in a tub of warm water.
Come on. Come on.
Look, Shirl, there's other
jobs other than at Shotz.
I mean... we could become nuns.
Well, you could.
Don't worry, there's
other things we could do.
I mean, well, we
could be manicurists.
That's it, we could, I
mean, we could do that.
I mean, we could, we
could be beauticians
and have our hair nice,
and we could be
telephone operators
and get all those calls.
I mean, we could be
welders, we could be cowboys.
Look at me, look at me.
I'm pacing around here like I
was in the army or something.
That's it!
We'll join the army! That's it.
Shirl, you're out of the tub?
What are you doing down there?
- He was looking for mice.
- What's he...?
Are you serious about
this army business?
Laverne,
this is the best idea I
have ever come up with.
- I said it first...
- Think about it.
Think about it, the army
will teach us a new trade.
And we'll be
guaranteed promotions.
Why, we'll go from
privates to generals like that.
We could even end up
with our faces on a stamp.
- Oh, wouldn't that be nice?
- Yes, it would.
Having people going around
licking the backs of our heads?
I... We could travel.
- We could travel to foreign countries.
- Foreign countries.
And, Laverne, we could
talk to foreign people.
Foreign people.
And we wouldn't even
know what they were saying.
- 'Cause they're foreigners.
- That's right!
Well, what do you say?
- To the army.
- To the army.
All inductees
report to room six.
Please be seated,
women. Take your seats.
Please, ladies, take your seats.
Have a seat, yes. Thank you.
I'll save you one here.
Oh, go around her.
Get out of the way,
get out of the way.
- Wow, is that cold.
- Ooh... ooh.
Please, ladies, sit down now.
I... have a terrible
tension headache.
I am, uh, I am Colonel Turner.
And, uh, I am pleased to report
that this group has passed,
uh, the, uh, induction exam.
We passed the physical!
Ladies, ladies, please
sit down. Sit, sit...
Ladies, sit, sit down!
Please stand.
Get in line, and
I will administer
the Women's Army
Corps oath of enlistment.
Shoulder to shoulder.
- Oh.
- Shoulder to shoulder.
No, spread out.
Spread out, please.
Ladies... in a line,
and face me, please.
Like a picket fence.
Oh. Oh.
How silly.
Now, please, raise your
right hand and repeat after me.
I, state your full name.
I...
Do solemnly swear
to support and defend
the Constitution of
the United States.
Do solemnly swear to
support and defend...
- of the United States.
- United States.
- Against all...
- Excuse me.
Could you hold that thought
for one moment, please?
Excuse me.
It's awfully drafty in here.
Here we go.
- As I was saying...
- As I was saying...
Sorry.
It was our mistake.
Against all enemies,
foreign and domestic.
Against all enemies,
foreign and domestic.
- And to obey...
- Just a second, please.
Uh, could you take a
picture of me and her
over there for my Pop?
No, no, please.
Well, is there
anything in this oath
that ends with the
word "cheese"?
No, no.
Get... get back in line.
Get back in line.
And...
And to obey the orders
of the President of
the United States.
And to obey
the orders of the President
of the United States.
So help me God.
So help me God.
Oh, what a moving speech.
Congratulations, ladies, and...
welcome to the WACs.
Shirl, it's 3:00 in the morning,
and you're going all
the way to Alabama.
Oh, Carmine, it'll be okay.
Shirl, don't go, Shirl.
- What am I gonna do without you?
- Carmine, Carmine.
Shirl, I can't get along
without you, you know that.
I know what you need.
You need a great big good-bye.
You mean, the big good-bye?
No. I mean a big good-bye.
- Shirl, you're gonna
be gone - Come on.
- Away forever.
- Come on. Oh, Carmine, stop it.
- It might be my last chance, Shirl.
- Stop it.
Come on, would
you just pucker up.
♪ Going to Alabama
with a banjo on my knee ♪
- ♪ Oh, Su... ♪
- She's going away forever.
Oh, Carmine, she's just
going to basic training.
She'll be back in eight weeks.
- That's right.
- Eight weeks?!
You're going away
for eight weeks?
- Come on, come on.
- Eight weeks! I thought...
- Oh, stop.
- Carmine, grow up.
You're acting like a
great big ol' crybaby.
Poppi! Oh... I'm going
to miss you so much.
That's all right.
You'll be okay, all
right, all right, get down.
Come on, come on.
Get down.
Okay, I'm okay now.
Look, Laverne, look
what I got for you.
What?
I got food for you girls
to have on the bus.
Oh, you're such a good mother.
- I got a present for you.
- Oh, what is it?
- What is it?
- Take a look.
Oh, your Battling
Baker Chef's hat.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Pop, I couldn't.
- Sure, sure, listen to me.
- I couldn't have this, no.
There, there we are.
Pop. Pop, this is
your pride and joy.
You're my pride and joy.
Come on, come on, I love
you, here, give me a hug.
Come on, come on, come on.
Follow my voice.
Here, here, that's it.
Oh, Pop, I'm gonna
miss you so much.
That's all right.
- Edna?
- Here I am, honey.
Here I am.
- She called me honey.
- Yeah.
That was eight weeks' worth?
Exactly eight weeks' worth.
Oh... Look what my
Pop gave me, huh?
Fits like a glove.
Okay, girls, the
truck is all warmed up.
We're ready to take you
down to the bus depot.
Hurry it up, would ya?
I'm getting cranky.
Well, we better shove off.
- Bye. Mwah.
- We better hurry up.
- Bye. Good-bye.
- Oh...
I'm going to miss you, too.
We almost kissed each other.
A real live army base.
Look how cute they march.
We can do that.
I got to get a picture, Shirl.
Get in there quick
before they march away.
Okay. Okay, all right.
Smile, girls.
Okay, now, I want to
write my first impressions
in my army journal while
they're still fresh in my mind.
Think of it.
I'm going to call it, "How
I Saved My Country"
by S. Wilhelmina Feeney.
Oh, that's good, that's good.
You're going to do all
the photo illustrations.
That's right.
- You mean that?
- That's right.
Oh, Shirl, boy, are you a pal.
- Oh-ho, think nothing of it.
- Okay.
Look serious, I want to take
this one for the back cover.
Come on, get real serious.
- Okay.
- Wait, wait.
Did you take that, uh, were
you shooting up my nose?
Attention.
Ladies, welcome
to Fort McClellan.
I'm your drill instructor,
Sergeant Shannon.
- Hi, Sergeant Shannon.
- Uh... Hi.
Well, are there any
questions so far?
When's the next USO dance?
Oh...
Well, ladies, for
the first eight weeks,
we're going to be
isolated from the men.
Wait a second,
that's not how it was
in From Here to Eternity.
Oh, chin up, soldier.
After basic training,
you'll be working arm in
arm with your fellow men.
And there are 2,800,062 men in
the Armed Forces to choose from.
- Oh, my heart!
- Excuse me...
Excuse me, could you give
me that number again slowly.
- 2,800,062.
- 800,062.
Oh.
Well, okay, ladies, now,
for the first three days,
we're going to have a
series of fun little tests.
We just want to find
out who can do what.
So let's hit those fields,
and we'll start
getting you in shape.
We are tough, we are strong
and we know our right from...
"How I Saved My
Country," chapter 2.
For the next three days,
we had to do everything
a good little soldier should do.
Oh, we had a few problems.
Especially, Laverne.
Not to say that I was perfect.
The important thing
is that we meant well.
And sometimes we even did well.
We won, we won, didn't
we, Sergeant Shannon?
Won? We killed them!
Very good. You girls
are my fastest runners.
Forward and backward.
♪♪
By the end of the three days,
we were really starting to cook.
Attention.
At ease.
Ladies, I have observed
and evaluated your abilities.
For the next seven weeks,
you will each be trained
in the area suited to
your individual skills.
Skills.
When-when I call your name,
pack up and report
to Administration
for your new
housing assignments.
Chapman and Atkins,
you will be clerk typists.
- Oh...
- Very good.
Congratulations.
Ladies, ladies, I'm
begging you, please.
Jefferson, Lincoln and
Washington... field nurses.
That's just me, Sarge.
Of course, dear.
Bye, Washington.
Caldwell, Hardy and
Adamcyzk, you are dispatchers.
- Oh.
- Dispatchers.
I wanted that.
Ah, gee, oh, well.
Oh, come on, Sergeant,
the suspense is killing us.
Wait, I-I think I know.
- What?
- I think I know.
We're doughnut girls at the USO.
No, no, I'm afraid not.
Uh, we have assigned you
two to a special program.
Oh!
What? What? What
is it? What is it?
Someone else will be right
in to give you the details.
Oh, thank you, Sergeant Shannon.
- Thank you so much.
- Bye-bye.
Yes, and may all your
Christmases be white.
Oh... Christmas...
special pro...
- I know what it is!
- What?
We're going to be
working with Bob Hope!
Oh, let it be, oh, let it be.
Oh, boy.
Ten-hut!
Are you Mrs. Hope?
Pull in them chins,
suck in them guts
and stick out them chests.
I'm waiting.
So am I.
And you... pull
back them shoulders.
Well, I can't, you
see, it's a habit.
I mean, well, I was
an early bloomer,
and I always had to
carry my books like this
'cause the boys
would always tease me.
I mean, I guess you're
used to that, too, huh?
Stick it in your ear.
I am your new drill sergeant,
Sergeant Plout.
I have been informed
that both of you are strong,
agile and not good at
anything in particular.
I think I can change that.
Oh, I think you can, too.
I have been given permission
to conduct an
experimental program.
Could you do that to me, too?
My neck's killing me this way.
I'm going to prove to the army
that a woman can do
anything a man can do.
Are we going to have to
get them short little haircuts
that'll make me look
like Eddie Haskell?
If necessary to prove my point.
I'm going to look terrible.
When I'm through with you
two, you will be combat-ready.
I think she's gone.
Disappeared, that... frog.
She's got warts,
I bet, all over...
She's like a toad.
I mean, any person to
blow in here and... oh, boy.
I can't apologize enough for
us having called you a frog.
Are you going to hit us now?
Shoot, no, girls. Come on now.
Cheer up, we're all
going to have fun together.
You're going to
love your new patrol.
Move it, move it, move it,
move it, hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three,
four, company halt.
From now on, you
girls belong to me.
You will do what you are
told, when you are told,
and the way you are told,
by yours truly, the Frog.
All right, ready
for the exercises?
Yes, ma'am!
Well, I must admit
that Sergeant Plout
was somewhat different
from Sergeant Shannon.
For the next seven weeks,
she drove us, all day,
all night.
She ate my daisy.
She was not an easy woman.
To be perfectly honest, I
had no stomach for violence.
Prepare... attack.
But on the other hand,
Laverne was tough.
Attack.
Prepare... attack.
Prepare...
Clumsy, but tough.
Okay, let's move
it, move it, move it.
- Hurry up, hurry up.
- Laverne.
- Hurry up.
- Laverne!
Come on, Shirl.
Come on.
Sometimes Laverne and
I felt a little out of place.
Hup, two, three, four.
- Hup, two, three, four.
- Five, six, seven, eight.
Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.
Week after week, Sergeant
Plout worked our tooties off.
She never let up.
I don't know what
we would've done
if we hadn't had each other.
And just when we thought
we'd drop dead, it was over.
Ten-hut!
Women...
for the past seven
weeks, I have molded you
into the spitting
image of myself.
Tough, gritty,
bloodthirsty, pitiful.
Anyway, today is
where our seven weeks
of tough training
finally pays off.
It is time to go to war.
- War?
- War?
If... if we knew there
was going to be a war,
we never would
have joined the army.
Never, never,
never. No, no, no, no.
Feeney, are you afraid to die?
No, she ain't afraid to die.
She don't like to
kill nothing, though.
I'm the one who's afraid to die.
Ma'am, I ain't afraid to die!
Did you hear her?
Did you hear what she said?
You two are spineless jellyfish.
I could just barf.
I am not talking
about a real war.
I'm talking about a mock war.
You're going to be
using rifles with blanks,
you're going to be throwing
grenades made of flour.
Sissy stuff, okay?
Oh, oh, sissy stuff.
Oh, thank goodness.
Sissy stuff is our specialty.
All right.
Now you will be the red
platoon, the enemy will be in blue.
It is your mission to kill
them before they kill you.
Kill!
What is her...?
I am sure glad we
are on her team, huh?
Oh, yes, yes.
Hello, everybody.
Hi, Sergeant Shannon.
Well, Shannon, is your
team prepared to die?
Ah...
Now, Sergeant, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
Now, do you really expect
my typists and nurses
to take on your
band of guerillas?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe these teams
are a little bit unfair.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to loan you, for the
duration of the war games only,
Feeney and DeFazio.
- No. No, no, no, no...
- No. No. Please...
Step forward. Forward!
Watching you two yellow-bellied
crawdaddies get whupped
is going to double my
pleasure and double my fun.
- Crawdaddies? Crawdaddies!
- No, no, no.
What's a crawdaddy?
It's a crustacean.
A crustacean?
A crustacean?!
You're just lucky I don't
know what that means either!
And we'll just see
who whups who!
You bet your bonnet we will.
Sergeant Shannon, where's
the rest of our platoon?
In the mess hall
exchanging recipes.
Good. Good.
I can exchange my fabulous
Feeney Mystery Meat recipe
with someone.
Do you think, uh,
we could borrow
the girl who says, "I
ain't afraid to die!"?
Out!
Okay now, listen up.
Sergeant Plout really
wants us to whip those nerds.
Is the red team gonna win?
Yeah!
I can't hear you.
Yeah!
Okay everybody, listen up!
Ahem.
Now, Sergeant
Shannon really wants us
to whip those guerillas.
Now, is the blue
team going to win?!
Yeah... I can't hear you!
Let's hide in here.
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Well, are... are your
candy-bottoms ready?
Oh, I suppose they're
out there somewhere.
Well, then, let the
war games begin.
Uh-huh.
Move it out!
Move over a
little bit, all right?
I'm stepping on rocks here.
Don't shoot anything,
you know, that...
Maybe we should help them.
Shh!
- I've been trying to figure this out.
- Okay, what?
There's two of us
against all of them, right?
That's right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
There's only one way
that we could beat them.
All right, okay, what is it?
We got to outsmart them.
Brilliant, brilliant.
So, what now?
Sneak up on them,
and find out their plan.
Laverne, you are a born leader.
Listen up.
Sergeant Shannon's off
getting more suntan lotion,
so we only got a minute.
Now, here's my secret plan.
I know you can beat them wimps,
but just in case you
run into some problems,
I have hidden a secret weapon.
Come on over here, I'm
going to show you where it is.
Right through the bushes
down there by the river.
See it there?
A tank.
You see it there?
Ain't it a beauty?
I don't know that
you're gonna need it,
but war ain't a pretty thing.
Are you sure there's
a tank out there?
What are the girls doing now?
Your girls are crawling around,
not doing much of anything.
Aw, well, as long
as they're having fun.
- Do you read lips?
- Huh?
Laverne, I'm tired
of looking at dirt.
Shirl, look, I think
we just struck gold.
Ready?
Hot dog, my girls are
using the secret weapon.
The tank!
Oh, no, now isn't that
DeFazio and Feeney?
Laverne, are you sure you
know how to drive this thing?
Ah, tanks, cars...
They're all the same.
What are they
doing near my tank?
That is my tank.
Oh!
Oh, you got it.
Very nice, my dear.
Hey, that's our tank.
But that's DeFazio driving.
Let's get out of here.
Have you found the brake yet?
No, but I found the
glove compartment.
Red Team, can you see
what is happening here?
The tank.
Do you see the tank?
There they are!
Let's blast these suckers.
The gun's stuffed up.
Well, Laverne, do something.
Get out there and unplug it.
I got my hands on the trigger.
They are going for the big gun.
Red Team, they're
going for the big gu...
They're going for the big gun!
Whoa, whoa, that
wasn't the lever.
Stop this thing.
Them fools are gonna blow
themselves to kingdom come.
Well, it looked like a
trigger... it's dark in here.
I have to do everything myself.
If it's not one thing, it's
another thing, isn't it?
Wait just a second, fins,
time out, King's X here.
Laverne, how did you
get out there so far?
Just hang on.
These two are crazier than
my second and fourth husbands.
This thing's moving.
It's got a mind of its own.
Now, get back in there
before this thing
decides to start shooting.
I ain't seen anything like this
since the night the
lights went out in Georgia.
Okay, okay, all
right, all right.
Tank or not, my women
are gonna chew them two up
and spit 'em out.
We got 'em on the run, Shirl.
Get the ammo.
Get across the
river, you'll be safe!
What are they doing up there?
Laverne, it's the
rest of our team.
They've come to help us!
Okay, Red Team, surrender
or you're dead ducks!
Oh, Lord!
We won!
Oh, good girls!
This has been fun.
What do you mean, this is fun!
- Wha... uh...
- Fun! I'll show you fun!
I worked weeks
training these girls.
Yeah, okay...
Hey, not bad for a couple
of crawdaddies, huh?
We'll be generals by morning.
Women, I have busted
my regulation fanny
teaching you to be soldiers,
and how do you thank me?
By getting thumped.
Shame, shame, shame!
Well, anyway,
now that basic training is over
I've decided to ship all you
pantywaists off to Hawaii
so get out of here!
We're going to Hawaii!
- Oh, it's so wonderful!
- ♪ Come do the ♪
♪ Hula, hula, with
the hula babies ♪
- ♪ We will show you how... ♪
- Quit your jiggling.
I want to talk to you two.
Oh, Sergeant, if you're upset
about us whupping the girls
in your platoon, I assure you
it was sheer beginner's luck.
Why, chicken feathers!
You girls done me proud.
You reminded me of my own
self when I was a young private.
Mean, nasty... cagey
as an ol' coon dog.
That's why I have made sure
that you're gonna
be stationed with me.
Great! The three of
us will go to Hawaii!
♪ Come do the hula, hula ♪
- ♪ With the hula babies... ♪
- We ain't goin' to Hawaii.
We goin' someplace better.
Better than Hawaii?
- Italy!
- Oh!
♪ O sole mio... ♪
Better than Italy.
France!
- France! Oh!
- France!
Better than France.
We're going to Greenland!
- Greenland!
- Greenland!
- Greenland?
- Greenland?
Whereabouts is Greenland?
Where is it? Well,
it's just a weevil's hair
south of the North Pole.
- No, no. -Oh, no.
- Girls, we are gonna wrestle
the polar bears and
eat whale blubber.
We're gonna live out
there on the tundra!
Boy, howdy, girls,
we're gonna have fun...!
Laverne's letter said she
would call at 8:00 sharp.
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold...
I'll count to three, and
everybody say hello, okay?
One, two, three.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Let me say something. Shirl,
Shirl, did you get my letters?
Let her talk! You
talk. Go ahead.
Uh, uh, hi, girls.
What do you want
to do, talk all night?
Hello. Where-where you
gonna be stationed, Italy?
Greenland?!
Greenland?
That's the North Pole!
But you'll freeze to death!
What are you doing
with the freeze...?
I'll send thermal underwear;
you won't freeze to death.
Shirl, listen, you can't
go to Greenland...
That's the other end
of the world, Shirl!
We can't visit you there!
Shirl, don't cry. Shirl...
They're both crying.
Shirl, don't cry.
Look, I'll rent a sled; I'll go.
Don't cry, will ya?
Look, why don't
you just leave 'em
to us, huh? We'll cheer them up.
Come on, give us
the phone. Come on.
Look, let them cheer them up;
- maybe it'll work.
- Give me that, would ya?
Hello, girls? Squiggy here.
Listen, you want to
hear a good laugh?
No, that's not it,
no, that's not it, no.
Listen, you know those two girls
what took your
jobs at the brewery?
Well, guess what?
They up and quit.
And now old man Shotz says
that if you're willing to come back,
he'll give you
back your old jobs
plus a promotion and a
radioactive raise in pay.
Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait, wait,
wait, let me finish, let me finish.
You haven't heard
the funny part yet.
Now, here's the funny part.
You girls joined
the army for nothing!
You get it? You get it?
Hello? Hello?
We could go back to Shotz
and get our promotions.
- No Greenland.
- No North Pole.
We got to get out of the army.
Oh, yes, yes!
But how?
Would you quit being so jumpy?
I'm telling you, this
plan is gonna work.
Laverne, how on earth
do you expect us to make
Sergeant Plout believe
that we have battle fatigue?
If I told you once
I told you twice...
All we have to do is
turn into two raving idiots.
Hello.
- Shh!
- Lenny! Squiggy!
- What are you doing here?
- I can't believe it!
What are you doing in Alabama?
We came to spring
you out of the army
and get you out
of them uniforms.
Aw...
You mean you drove
700 miles just for us?
- Well, not just for you.
- No.
See, what we did was,
we got ourselves a truck run
down to Selma
delivering nitroglycerin.
Yeah.
Somebody trusted you two
- with a truckload of nitroglycerine?
- Yep.
- Oh, well, we had to leave a deposit.
- Of course.
All right, let's
give them plan A.
- What plan?
- Uh, look, uh, Shirl and I have
a plan of our own, but
thanks for going to the trouble.
Ah, Laverne, trouble
is its own reward.
Come on.
Girls, I want you to say hello
to Fang, the Trojan horse.
What are you talking about?
Well, well, listen to this.
We read about it in a
classic comic book...
The Illiot and the Oddity.
Yeah. Now, all you girls
got to do is climb
into the horse
and don't come out
until we get to Milwaukee.
I'll handle this,
I'll handle this.
Calm down, calm down.
Now, listen to me
and listen well, okay?
The Trojan Horse was hollow
so that the Greeks
could climb into it.
It was a wooden horse!
Look, it was a nice idea
and a real nice horsey and
it was nice seeing you guys,
- but maybe you better go.
- Go on. Go on.
Oh, sure, you can lead
a gift horse to the mouth,
but you can't drink it.
I don't think this
battle fatigue stuff
is gonna work at all, Laverne.
Well, it's either that or doing
what a couple of my pop's
- army buddies did.
- What's that?
They shot each other's toes off.
Nah, we'd look lousy in sandals.
- What? Huh?
- All right, okay, then!
Okay, girls, the
truck's waiting outside,
so why don't you just try
these parkas on for size
and we'll be off on
the trail to Greenland.
- Do you hear something strange?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Do those soldiers
look strange to you?
You there! Who won
the '52 World Series?
They don't know.
Just as I thought...
enemy spies!
I'll help you, Shirl!
You okay?
- You okay?
- Yes, yes, yes.
What are you two doing?
Dive-bombers! Take cover!
Oh, my lord, paratroopers!
It's raining paratroopers!
Man the bazooka!
- Bazooka!
- Bazooka!
Load 'er up!
Now, hot spit, girls,
I know you're tigers,
but you don't have to
put on a show for me.
Now, come on, let's go.
- I think I heard something.
- Yes.
- Planes.
- No, tanks, tanks!
- And we're out of ammo!
- Get the grenades!
Cover me! Cover me!
Aah! Drop it, Sarge!
- It's a live grenade! Aah!
- Live grenade!
Oh!
- Oh.
- It's only a flesh wound.
You know something?
You two are running
one brick short of a full load.
You ain't playing
with a full deck.
- The sergeant's been hit!
- Oh, no.
- Medic. Medic.
- I haven't been hit.
You two are... Put
her in the ambulance!
Put her in the ambulance!
Get in the ambulance!
I'll ride shotgun.
Aah...! Aah...!
All right, you two, we're gonna
go visit Colonel Henderson.
Colonel Henderson
won't get nothin' out of me.
DeFazio, Laverne, private.
36-24-36.
Feeney. Private.
No comment.
So, Colonel, what I am
trying to tell you is that
these two privates that I was
gonna take with me to Greenland
are trying to get out
on a Section Eight.
Phony battle fatigue.
That's right.
I take this as a
personal failure, sir.
I had dared to hope
that these two girls
would turn out to
be exactly like me.
Well, it's not easy to find
a woman like you, Sergeant.
Good luck in
Greenland, Sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
You two girls, don't feel bad.
Not everybody can be like me.
I'll be up there in Greenland,
and you can rest assured
that if anything goes wrong,
it'll be taken care
of... by yours truly,
Sergeant Alvinia
Plout, alias... the Frog!
All right, you're
dismissed, soldier.
All right, Feeney, DeFazio,
on your feet, front and center!
Huh!
What do you two got
to say for yourselves?
Well, Colonel, sir,
you see, we worked
in a brewery...
And we didn't get our promotion
and we didn't get our raise,
and, well, our lives
were going nowhere,
so... we figured that
if we joined the army,
the army would take care of us.
Well, you've joined the
army for the wrong reason.
This is not the place to go
when things are
tough on the outside.
Running away from your problems
doesn't solve anything. Got it?
Yes, sir.
And if you want us to, sir,
well, we'll gather
up our mukluks
and we'll head
out for Greenland.
Well... there is
another alternative.
It is possible for you
to serve your
country once a month
in the Army Reserve.
You mean we could live at home?
Yes. Is that agreeable?
You'd let us...?
- Oh! Oh!
- Y... Yes!
Ten-hut!
I'll get the paperwork started.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you, Colonel Henderson.
You see that, Laverne?
You see how in God's
great scheme of things
everything always
turns out for the best?
Well, I-I don't know.
I mean, maybe we
should've gone to Greenland.
- Oh, come on, Laverne.
- Well, we never go no place.
Come on, stop that.
We're gonna go places.
We're gonna go home.
We're gonna get them
raises and that promotion.
We're gonna be
headed everywhere.
Yeah, you're right. And if
we do ever go to Greenland,
we are gonna go
first class, right?
- That's right.
- We are gonna stay
in the Greenland
Howard Johnson's.
Oh, think of it, think of it...
Snowcapped, orange rooftops.
- Someday.
- Someday.
Shirl, do you think
anyone's still awake?
Ah, we're home.
Our stairs!
Our bills!
Our loved ones!
We're home.
We're home!
Hey! What's...?
Carmine! Oh, Carmine!
Ah, muffin, it's
4:00 in the morning!
You missed your own party!
I'll see you tomorrow, and
we'll swap a lot of war stories.
- Okay, Pop.
- Welcome home.
I'm so glad you
got your jobs back.
Oh, me, too.
Oh, thank you. Well,
we're so glad to be home.
Can't wait to see your tattoos.
- Come on, this way.
- Be careful.
- This way. That way.
- Be careful, now, Carmine.
- Welcome home, girls.
- Thank you.
Squiggy's gonna be
awful disappointed.
He's not gonna
remember any of this.
Oh, oh, oh, listen, by the way,
we left some stuff in your room.
Oh, don't worry,
we'll get it tomorrow.
- All right, come on.
- Good-bye.
Hello.
Oh, boy, I can't wait to
sleep in our own beds!
Oh, let's take a
look in there! Oh!
Oh, I love this! Oh,
I love my bedroom!
I love... Boys?
Boys!
- Boys!
- Boys!
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
The promotion list is now
posted in the break room.
Shirl, we're shoo-ins
to be promoted to the
new senior bottle-cappers.
Here's where five years
of hard work pays off.
♪ I know you'd go
from rags to riches ♪
♪ If you would
only say you care ♪
♪ And though your
pockets may be empty ♪
Don't say a word, follow me.
♪ Must I forever be a beggar ♪
♪ Whose golden dreams
will not come true? ♪
♪ So open your arms
and you'll open the door ♪
♪ To every... ♪
No, don't, no, no,
I haven't finished yet, I
got one more surprise.
It's in the bedroom.
♪ Open your arms... ♪
Oh, Carmine.
Carmine, you don't understand.
We deserved those promotions!
Giving them to those two girls,
just because they went to
industrial-training school.
Well, big deal!
- How could Mr. Shotz do this to us?
- I know.
We spent five years of our
lives working our patooties off.
What did we wind up with, huh?
- I...
- Tired patooties.
♪ Forever be a beggar... ♪
Hey, Shirl, look.
I had Boo Boo Kitty
dolled up to help us, uh,
celebrate this
happy occasion, huh?
What do you say?
This is a happy
occasion, isn't it?
You didn't get the promotion?
No raise?
Oh, I'm sorry.
♪ Gray skies are
gonna clear up ♪
♪ Put on a happy face ♪
♪ And... ♪ Oof!
Girls, cheer up, will you?
Things will work out.
You don't have to look like
the wolf is at your front door.
- Come on.
- Hello.
Girls, we got great news.
Are you sitting down?
They're ready.
Dear Mr. Shotz has decided
to give Lenny and me a raise.
How about that, huh?
Not only that, we
got a promotion, too.
We're not even
truck drivers anymore.
Now we're semitruck drivers.
And you know why?
And you know why?
I'll tell you why.
'Cause he says we
do a semi-good job.
All right, all right,
all right, listen, guys.
We're all thrilled for
both of youse, all right,
but this is a bad time,
- can't you see?
- What are you talking about?
It's not that often
we get to celebrate
two birds with one stone.
Yeah, that's right,
lest we not forget that,
though we got a raise,
these girls here established
a new record at Shotz...
Most consecutive
years on the line
without getting a promotion.
A job well done on
that, too, girls, really.
All right, guys, out
of here, let's go.
- Oh, champagne.
- Whoo, champagne.
Now listen, mind you, that's
only the brewery record.
Now, if you want to
break the nationals,
you got to spend another
41 years on the line.
All right, let's go, let's go.
- Come on, party's over.
- Yeah, that's held by
Emil Haufnagger,
who did it in 19...
All right, guys, out
of here, let's go.
- Well, that's it.
- I can't... That's it!
That is just... it!
Nothing.
Well, what are we gonna do?
There's only one
thing left for us to do.
What?
Quit Shotz.
Quit the brewery?
Quit Shotz?
Quit... quit... Sh...
Shirl, you dropped your cat.
Shirl?
Shirl?
Yoo-hoo, come
on, Shirl, wake up.
There's nothing in there.
Come on, Shirl.
Don't act like this.
I mean, I've seen this on TV.
You don't snap out of this,
and you're going to spend
the rest of your life
in a tub of warm water.
Come on. Come on.
Look, Shirl, there's other
jobs other than at Shotz.
I mean... we could become nuns.
Well, you could.
Don't worry, there's
other things we could do.
I mean, well, we
could be manicurists.
That's it, we could, I
mean, we could do that.
I mean, we could, we
could be beauticians
and have our hair nice,
and we could be
telephone operators
and get all those calls.
I mean, we could be
welders, we could be cowboys.
Look at me, look at me.
I'm pacing around here like I
was in the army or something.
That's it!
We'll join the army! That's it.
Shirl, you're out of the tub?
What are you doing down there?
- He was looking for mice.
- What's he...?
Are you serious about
this army business?
Laverne,
this is the best idea I
have ever come up with.
- I said it first...
- Think about it.
Think about it, the army
will teach us a new trade.
And we'll be
guaranteed promotions.
Why, we'll go from
privates to generals like that.
We could even end up
with our faces on a stamp.
- Oh, wouldn't that be nice?
- Yes, it would.
Having people going around
licking the backs of our heads?
I... We could travel.
- We could travel to foreign countries.
- Foreign countries.
And, Laverne, we could
talk to foreign people.
Foreign people.
And we wouldn't even
know what they were saying.
- 'Cause they're foreigners.
- That's right!
Well, what do you say?
- To the army.
- To the army.
All inductees
report to room six.
Please be seated,
women. Take your seats.
Please, ladies, take your seats.
Have a seat, yes. Thank you.
I'll save you one here.
Oh, go around her.
Get out of the way,
get out of the way.
- Wow, is that cold.
- Ooh... ooh.
Please, ladies, sit down now.
I... have a terrible
tension headache.
I am, uh, I am Colonel Turner.
And, uh, I am pleased to report
that this group has passed,
uh, the, uh, induction exam.
We passed the physical!
Ladies, ladies, please
sit down. Sit, sit...
Ladies, sit, sit down!
Please stand.
Get in line, and
I will administer
the Women's Army
Corps oath of enlistment.
Shoulder to shoulder.
- Oh.
- Shoulder to shoulder.
No, spread out.
Spread out, please.
Ladies... in a line,
and face me, please.
Like a picket fence.
Oh. Oh.
How silly.
Now, please, raise your
right hand and repeat after me.
I, state your full name.
I...
Do solemnly swear
to support and defend
the Constitution of
the United States.
Do solemnly swear to
support and defend...
- of the United States.
- United States.
- Against all...
- Excuse me.
Could you hold that thought
for one moment, please?
Excuse me.
It's awfully drafty in here.
Here we go.
- As I was saying...
- As I was saying...
Sorry.
It was our mistake.
Against all enemies,
foreign and domestic.
Against all enemies,
foreign and domestic.
- And to obey...
- Just a second, please.
Uh, could you take a
picture of me and her
over there for my Pop?
No, no, please.
Well, is there
anything in this oath
that ends with the
word "cheese"?
No, no.
Get... get back in line.
Get back in line.
And...
And to obey the orders
of the President of
the United States.
And to obey
the orders of the President
of the United States.
So help me God.
So help me God.
Oh, what a moving speech.
Congratulations, ladies, and...
welcome to the WACs.
Shirl, it's 3:00 in the morning,
and you're going all
the way to Alabama.
Oh, Carmine, it'll be okay.
Shirl, don't go, Shirl.
- What am I gonna do without you?
- Carmine, Carmine.
Shirl, I can't get along
without you, you know that.
I know what you need.
You need a great big good-bye.
You mean, the big good-bye?
No. I mean a big good-bye.
- Shirl, you're gonna
be gone - Come on.
- Away forever.
- Come on. Oh, Carmine, stop it.
- It might be my last chance, Shirl.
- Stop it.
Come on, would
you just pucker up.
♪ Going to Alabama
with a banjo on my knee ♪
- ♪ Oh, Su... ♪
- She's going away forever.
Oh, Carmine, she's just
going to basic training.
She'll be back in eight weeks.
- That's right.
- Eight weeks?!
You're going away
for eight weeks?
- Come on, come on.
- Eight weeks! I thought...
- Oh, stop.
- Carmine, grow up.
You're acting like a
great big ol' crybaby.
Poppi! Oh... I'm going
to miss you so much.
That's all right.
You'll be okay, all
right, all right, get down.
Come on, come on.
Get down.
Okay, I'm okay now.
Look, Laverne, look
what I got for you.
What?
I got food for you girls
to have on the bus.
Oh, you're such a good mother.
- I got a present for you.
- Oh, what is it?
- What is it?
- Take a look.
Oh, your Battling
Baker Chef's hat.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Pop, I couldn't.
- Sure, sure, listen to me.
- I couldn't have this, no.
There, there we are.
Pop. Pop, this is
your pride and joy.
You're my pride and joy.
Come on, come on, I love
you, here, give me a hug.
Come on, come on, come on.
Follow my voice.
Here, here, that's it.
Oh, Pop, I'm gonna
miss you so much.
That's all right.
- Edna?
- Here I am, honey.
Here I am.
- She called me honey.
- Yeah.
That was eight weeks' worth?
Exactly eight weeks' worth.
Oh... Look what my
Pop gave me, huh?
Fits like a glove.
Okay, girls, the
truck is all warmed up.
We're ready to take you
down to the bus depot.
Hurry it up, would ya?
I'm getting cranky.
Well, we better shove off.
- Bye. Mwah.
- We better hurry up.
- Bye. Good-bye.
- Oh...
I'm going to miss you, too.
We almost kissed each other.
A real live army base.
Look how cute they march.
We can do that.
I got to get a picture, Shirl.
Get in there quick
before they march away.
Okay. Okay, all right.
Smile, girls.
Okay, now, I want to
write my first impressions
in my army journal while
they're still fresh in my mind.
Think of it.
I'm going to call it, "How
I Saved My Country"
by S. Wilhelmina Feeney.
Oh, that's good, that's good.
You're going to do all
the photo illustrations.
That's right.
- You mean that?
- That's right.
Oh, Shirl, boy, are you a pal.
- Oh-ho, think nothing of it.
- Okay.
Look serious, I want to take
this one for the back cover.
Come on, get real serious.
- Okay.
- Wait, wait.
Did you take that, uh, were
you shooting up my nose?
Attention.
Ladies, welcome
to Fort McClellan.
I'm your drill instructor,
Sergeant Shannon.
- Hi, Sergeant Shannon.
- Uh... Hi.
Well, are there any
questions so far?
When's the next USO dance?
Oh...
Well, ladies, for
the first eight weeks,
we're going to be
isolated from the men.
Wait a second,
that's not how it was
in From Here to Eternity.
Oh, chin up, soldier.
After basic training,
you'll be working arm in
arm with your fellow men.
And there are 2,800,062 men in
the Armed Forces to choose from.
- Oh, my heart!
- Excuse me...
Excuse me, could you give
me that number again slowly.
- 2,800,062.
- 800,062.
Oh.
Well, okay, ladies, now,
for the first three days,
we're going to have a
series of fun little tests.
We just want to find
out who can do what.
So let's hit those fields,
and we'll start
getting you in shape.
We are tough, we are strong
and we know our right from...
"How I Saved My
Country," chapter 2.
For the next three days,
we had to do everything
a good little soldier should do.
Oh, we had a few problems.
Especially, Laverne.
Not to say that I was perfect.
The important thing
is that we meant well.
And sometimes we even did well.
We won, we won, didn't
we, Sergeant Shannon?
Won? We killed them!
Very good. You girls
are my fastest runners.
Forward and backward.
♪♪
By the end of the three days,
we were really starting to cook.
Attention.
At ease.
Ladies, I have observed
and evaluated your abilities.
For the next seven weeks,
you will each be trained
in the area suited to
your individual skills.
Skills.
When-when I call your name,
pack up and report
to Administration
for your new
housing assignments.
Chapman and Atkins,
you will be clerk typists.
- Oh...
- Very good.
Congratulations.
Ladies, ladies, I'm
begging you, please.
Jefferson, Lincoln and
Washington... field nurses.
That's just me, Sarge.
Of course, dear.
Bye, Washington.
Caldwell, Hardy and
Adamcyzk, you are dispatchers.
- Oh.
- Dispatchers.
I wanted that.
Ah, gee, oh, well.
Oh, come on, Sergeant,
the suspense is killing us.
Wait, I-I think I know.
- What?
- I think I know.
We're doughnut girls at the USO.
No, no, I'm afraid not.
Uh, we have assigned you
two to a special program.
Oh!
What? What? What
is it? What is it?
Someone else will be right
in to give you the details.
Oh, thank you, Sergeant Shannon.
- Thank you so much.
- Bye-bye.
Yes, and may all your
Christmases be white.
Oh... Christmas...
special pro...
- I know what it is!
- What?
We're going to be
working with Bob Hope!
Oh, let it be, oh, let it be.
Oh, boy.
Ten-hut!
Are you Mrs. Hope?
Pull in them chins,
suck in them guts
and stick out them chests.
I'm waiting.
So am I.
And you... pull
back them shoulders.
Well, I can't, you
see, it's a habit.
I mean, well, I was
an early bloomer,
and I always had to
carry my books like this
'cause the boys
would always tease me.
I mean, I guess you're
used to that, too, huh?
Stick it in your ear.
I am your new drill sergeant,
Sergeant Plout.
I have been informed
that both of you are strong,
agile and not good at
anything in particular.
I think I can change that.
Oh, I think you can, too.
I have been given permission
to conduct an
experimental program.
Could you do that to me, too?
My neck's killing me this way.
I'm going to prove to the army
that a woman can do
anything a man can do.
Are we going to have to
get them short little haircuts
that'll make me look
like Eddie Haskell?
If necessary to prove my point.
I'm going to look terrible.
When I'm through with you
two, you will be combat-ready.
I think she's gone.
Disappeared, that... frog.
She's got warts,
I bet, all over...
She's like a toad.
I mean, any person to
blow in here and... oh, boy.
I can't apologize enough for
us having called you a frog.
Are you going to hit us now?
Shoot, no, girls. Come on now.
Cheer up, we're all
going to have fun together.
You're going to
love your new patrol.
Move it, move it, move it,
move it, hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three,
four, company halt.
From now on, you
girls belong to me.
You will do what you are
told, when you are told,
and the way you are told,
by yours truly, the Frog.
All right, ready
for the exercises?
Yes, ma'am!
Well, I must admit
that Sergeant Plout
was somewhat different
from Sergeant Shannon.
For the next seven weeks,
she drove us, all day,
all night.
She ate my daisy.
She was not an easy woman.
To be perfectly honest, I
had no stomach for violence.
Prepare... attack.
But on the other hand,
Laverne was tough.
Attack.
Prepare... attack.
Prepare...
Clumsy, but tough.
Okay, let's move
it, move it, move it.
- Hurry up, hurry up.
- Laverne.
- Hurry up.
- Laverne!
Come on, Shirl.
Come on.
Sometimes Laverne and
I felt a little out of place.
Hup, two, three, four.
- Hup, two, three, four.
- Five, six, seven, eight.
Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.
Five, six, seven, eight.
Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.
Week after week, Sergeant
Plout worked our tooties off.
She never let up.
I don't know what
we would've done
if we hadn't had each other.
And just when we thought
we'd drop dead, it was over.
Ten-hut!
Women...
for the past seven
weeks, I have molded you
into the spitting
image of myself.
Tough, gritty,
bloodthirsty, pitiful.
Anyway, today is
where our seven weeks
of tough training
finally pays off.
It is time to go to war.
- War?
- War?
If... if we knew there
was going to be a war,
we never would
have joined the army.
Never, never,
never. No, no, no, no.
Feeney, are you afraid to die?
No, she ain't afraid to die.
She don't like to
kill nothing, though.
I'm the one who's afraid to die.
Ma'am, I ain't afraid to die!
Did you hear her?
Did you hear what she said?
You two are spineless jellyfish.
I could just barf.
I am not talking
about a real war.
I'm talking about a mock war.
You're going to be
using rifles with blanks,
you're going to be throwing
grenades made of flour.
Sissy stuff, okay?
Oh, oh, sissy stuff.
Oh, thank goodness.
Sissy stuff is our specialty.
All right.
Now you will be the red
platoon, the enemy will be in blue.
It is your mission to kill
them before they kill you.
Kill!
What is her...?
I am sure glad we
are on her team, huh?
Oh, yes, yes.
Hello, everybody.
Hi, Sergeant Shannon.
Well, Shannon, is your
team prepared to die?
Ah...
Now, Sergeant, that's what
I wanted to talk to you about.
Now, do you really expect
my typists and nurses
to take on your
band of guerillas?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe these teams
are a little bit unfair.
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm going to loan you, for the
duration of the war games only,
Feeney and DeFazio.
- No. No, no, no, no...
- No. No. Please...
Step forward. Forward!
Watching you two yellow-bellied
crawdaddies get whupped
is going to double my
pleasure and double my fun.
- Crawdaddies? Crawdaddies!
- No, no, no.
What's a crawdaddy?
It's a crustacean.
A crustacean?
A crustacean?!
You're just lucky I don't
know what that means either!
And we'll just see
who whups who!
You bet your bonnet we will.
Sergeant Shannon, where's
the rest of our platoon?
In the mess hall
exchanging recipes.
Good. Good.
I can exchange my fabulous
Feeney Mystery Meat recipe
with someone.
Do you think, uh,
we could borrow
the girl who says, "I
ain't afraid to die!"?
Out!
Okay now, listen up.
Sergeant Plout really
wants us to whip those nerds.
Is the red team gonna win?
Yeah!
I can't hear you.
Yeah!
Okay everybody, listen up!
Ahem.
Now, Sergeant
Shannon really wants us
to whip those guerillas.
Now, is the blue
team going to win?!
Yeah... I can't hear you!
Let's hide in here.
Where are you going?
Where are you going?
Well, are... are your
candy-bottoms ready?
Oh, I suppose they're
out there somewhere.
Well, then, let the
war games begin.
Uh-huh.
Move it out!
Move over a
little bit, all right?
I'm stepping on rocks here.
Don't shoot anything,
you know, that...
Maybe we should help them.
Shh!
- I've been trying to figure this out.
- Okay, what?
There's two of us
against all of them, right?
That's right.
- Okay.
- Okay.
There's only one way
that we could beat them.
All right, okay, what is it?
We got to outsmart them.
Brilliant, brilliant.
So, what now?
Sneak up on them,
and find out their plan.
Laverne, you are a born leader.
Listen up.
Sergeant Shannon's off
getting more suntan lotion,
so we only got a minute.
Now, here's my secret plan.
I know you can beat them wimps,
but just in case you
run into some problems,
I have hidden a secret weapon.
Come on over here, I'm
going to show you where it is.
Right through the bushes
down there by the river.
See it there?
A tank.
You see it there?
Ain't it a beauty?
I don't know that
you're gonna need it,
but war ain't a pretty thing.
Are you sure there's
a tank out there?
What are the girls doing now?
Your girls are crawling around,
not doing much of anything.
Aw, well, as long
as they're having fun.
- Do you read lips?
- Huh?
Laverne, I'm tired
of looking at dirt.
Shirl, look, I think
we just struck gold.
Ready?
Hot dog, my girls are
using the secret weapon.
The tank!
Oh, no, now isn't that
DeFazio and Feeney?
Laverne, are you sure you
know how to drive this thing?
Ah, tanks, cars...
They're all the same.
What are they
doing near my tank?
That is my tank.
Oh!
Oh, you got it.
Very nice, my dear.
Hey, that's our tank.
But that's DeFazio driving.
Let's get out of here.
Have you found the brake yet?
No, but I found the
glove compartment.
Red Team, can you see
what is happening here?
The tank.
Do you see the tank?
There they are!
Let's blast these suckers.
The gun's stuffed up.
Well, Laverne, do something.
Get out there and unplug it.
I got my hands on the trigger.
They are going for the big gun.
Red Team, they're
going for the big gu...
They're going for the big gun!
Whoa, whoa, that
wasn't the lever.
Stop this thing.
Them fools are gonna blow
themselves to kingdom come.
Well, it looked like a
trigger... it's dark in here.
I have to do everything myself.
If it's not one thing, it's
another thing, isn't it?
Wait just a second, fins,
time out, King's X here.
Laverne, how did you
get out there so far?
Just hang on.
These two are crazier than
my second and fourth husbands.
This thing's moving.
It's got a mind of its own.
Now, get back in there
before this thing
decides to start shooting.
I ain't seen anything like this
since the night the
lights went out in Georgia.
Okay, okay, all
right, all right.
Tank or not, my women
are gonna chew them two up
and spit 'em out.
We got 'em on the run, Shirl.
Get the ammo.
Get across the
river, you'll be safe!
What are they doing up there?
Laverne, it's the
rest of our team.
They've come to help us!
Okay, Red Team, surrender
or you're dead ducks!
Oh, Lord!
We won!
Oh, good girls!
This has been fun.
What do you mean, this is fun!
- Wha... uh...
- Fun! I'll show you fun!
I worked weeks
training these girls.
Yeah, okay...
Hey, not bad for a couple
of crawdaddies, huh?
We'll be generals by morning.
Women, I have busted
my regulation fanny
teaching you to be soldiers,
and how do you thank me?
By getting thumped.
Shame, shame, shame!
Well, anyway,
now that basic training is over
I've decided to ship all you
pantywaists off to Hawaii
so get out of here!
We're going to Hawaii!
- Oh, it's so wonderful!
- ♪ Come do the ♪
♪ Hula, hula, with
the hula babies ♪
- ♪ We will show you how... ♪
- Quit your jiggling.
I want to talk to you two.
Oh, Sergeant, if you're upset
about us whupping the girls
in your platoon, I assure you
it was sheer beginner's luck.
Why, chicken feathers!
You girls done me proud.
You reminded me of my own
self when I was a young private.
Mean, nasty... cagey
as an ol' coon dog.
That's why I have made sure
that you're gonna
be stationed with me.
Great! The three of
us will go to Hawaii!
♪ Come do the hula, hula ♪
- ♪ With the hula babies... ♪
- We ain't goin' to Hawaii.
We goin' someplace better.
Better than Hawaii?
- Italy!
- Oh!
♪ O sole mio... ♪
Better than Italy.
France!
- France! Oh!
- France!
Better than France.
We're going to Greenland!
- Greenland!
- Greenland!
- Greenland?
- Greenland?
Whereabouts is Greenland?
Where is it? Well,
it's just a weevil's hair
south of the North Pole.
- No, no. -Oh, no.
- Girls, we are gonna wrestle
the polar bears and
eat whale blubber.
We're gonna live out
there on the tundra!
Boy, howdy, girls,
we're gonna have fun...!
Laverne's letter said she
would call at 8:00 sharp.
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold...
I'll count to three, and
everybody say hello, okay?
One, two, three.
- Hello!
- Hello.
Let me say something. Shirl,
Shirl, did you get my letters?
Let her talk! You
talk. Go ahead.
Uh, uh, hi, girls.
What do you want
to do, talk all night?
Hello. Where-where you
gonna be stationed, Italy?
Greenland?!
Greenland?
That's the North Pole!
But you'll freeze to death!
What are you doing
with the freeze...?
I'll send thermal underwear;
you won't freeze to death.
Shirl, listen, you can't
go to Greenland...
That's the other end
of the world, Shirl!
We can't visit you there!
Shirl, don't cry. Shirl...
They're both crying.
Shirl, don't cry.
Look, I'll rent a sled; I'll go.
Don't cry, will ya?
Look, why don't
you just leave 'em
to us, huh? We'll cheer them up.
Come on, give us
the phone. Come on.
Look, let them cheer them up;
- maybe it'll work.
- Give me that, would ya?
Hello, girls? Squiggy here.
Listen, you want to
hear a good laugh?
No, that's not it,
no, that's not it, no.
Listen, you know those two girls
what took your
jobs at the brewery?
Well, guess what?
They up and quit.
And now old man Shotz says
that if you're willing to come back,
he'll give you
back your old jobs
plus a promotion and a
radioactive raise in pay.
Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Wait a minute, wait, wait,
wait, let me finish, let me finish.
You haven't heard
the funny part yet.
Now, here's the funny part.
You girls joined
the army for nothing!
You get it? You get it?
Hello? Hello?
We could go back to Shotz
and get our promotions.
- No Greenland.
- No North Pole.
We got to get out of the army.
Oh, yes, yes!
But how?
Would you quit being so jumpy?
I'm telling you, this
plan is gonna work.
Laverne, how on earth
do you expect us to make
Sergeant Plout believe
that we have battle fatigue?
If I told you once
I told you twice...
All we have to do is
turn into two raving idiots.
Hello.
- Shh!
- Lenny! Squiggy!
- What are you doing here?
- I can't believe it!
What are you doing in Alabama?
We came to spring
you out of the army
and get you out
of them uniforms.
Aw...
You mean you drove
700 miles just for us?
- Well, not just for you.
- No.
See, what we did was,
we got ourselves a truck run
down to Selma
delivering nitroglycerin.
Yeah.
Somebody trusted you two
- with a truckload of nitroglycerine?
- Yep.
- Oh, well, we had to leave a deposit.
- Of course.
All right, let's
give them plan A.
- What plan?
- Uh, look, uh, Shirl and I have
a plan of our own, but
thanks for going to the trouble.
Ah, Laverne, trouble
is its own reward.
Come on.
Girls, I want you to say hello
to Fang, the Trojan horse.
What are you talking about?
Well, well, listen to this.
We read about it in a
classic comic book...
The Illiot and the Oddity.
Yeah. Now, all you girls
got to do is climb
into the horse
and don't come out
until we get to Milwaukee.
I'll handle this,
I'll handle this.
Calm down, calm down.
Now, listen to me
and listen well, okay?
The Trojan Horse was hollow
so that the Greeks
could climb into it.
It was a wooden horse!
Look, it was a nice idea
and a real nice horsey and
it was nice seeing you guys,
- but maybe you better go.
- Go on. Go on.
Oh, sure, you can lead
a gift horse to the mouth,
but you can't drink it.
I don't think this
battle fatigue stuff
is gonna work at all, Laverne.
Well, it's either that or doing
what a couple of my pop's
- army buddies did.
- What's that?
They shot each other's toes off.
Nah, we'd look lousy in sandals.
- What? Huh?
- All right, okay, then!
Okay, girls, the
truck's waiting outside,
so why don't you just try
these parkas on for size
and we'll be off on
the trail to Greenland.
- Do you hear something strange?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Do those soldiers
look strange to you?
You there! Who won
the '52 World Series?
They don't know.
Just as I thought...
enemy spies!
I'll help you, Shirl!
You okay?
- You okay?
- Yes, yes, yes.
What are you two doing?
Dive-bombers! Take cover!
Oh, my lord, paratroopers!
It's raining paratroopers!
Man the bazooka!
- Bazooka!
- Bazooka!
Load 'er up!
Now, hot spit, girls,
I know you're tigers,
but you don't have to
put on a show for me.
Now, come on, let's go.
- I think I heard something.
- Yes.
- Planes.
- No, tanks, tanks!
- And we're out of ammo!
- Get the grenades!
Cover me! Cover me!
Aah! Drop it, Sarge!
- It's a live grenade! Aah!
- Live grenade!
Oh!
- Oh.
- It's only a flesh wound.
You know something?
You two are running
one brick short of a full load.
You ain't playing
with a full deck.
- The sergeant's been hit!
- Oh, no.
- Medic. Medic.
- I haven't been hit.
You two are... Put
her in the ambulance!
Put her in the ambulance!
Get in the ambulance!
I'll ride shotgun.
Aah...! Aah...!
All right, you two, we're gonna
go visit Colonel Henderson.
Colonel Henderson
won't get nothin' out of me.
DeFazio, Laverne, private.
36-24-36.
Feeney. Private.
No comment.
So, Colonel, what I am
trying to tell you is that
these two privates that I was
gonna take with me to Greenland
are trying to get out
on a Section Eight.
Phony battle fatigue.
That's right.
I take this as a
personal failure, sir.
I had dared to hope
that these two girls
would turn out to
be exactly like me.
Well, it's not easy to find
a woman like you, Sergeant.
Good luck in
Greenland, Sergeant.
Thank you, sir.
You two girls, don't feel bad.
Not everybody can be like me.
I'll be up there in Greenland,
and you can rest assured
that if anything goes wrong,
it'll be taken care
of... by yours truly,
Sergeant Alvinia
Plout, alias... the Frog!
All right, you're
dismissed, soldier.
All right, Feeney, DeFazio,
on your feet, front and center!
Huh!
What do you two got
to say for yourselves?
Well, Colonel, sir,
you see, we worked
in a brewery...
And we didn't get our promotion
and we didn't get our raise,
and, well, our lives
were going nowhere,
so... we figured that
if we joined the army,
the army would take care of us.
Well, you've joined the
army for the wrong reason.
This is not the place to go
when things are
tough on the outside.
Running away from your problems
doesn't solve anything. Got it?
Yes, sir.
And if you want us to, sir,
well, we'll gather
up our mukluks
and we'll head
out for Greenland.
Well... there is
another alternative.
It is possible for you
to serve your
country once a month
in the Army Reserve.
You mean we could live at home?
Yes. Is that agreeable?
You'd let us...?
- Oh! Oh!
- Y... Yes!
Ten-hut!
I'll get the paperwork started.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you, Colonel Henderson.
You see that, Laverne?
You see how in God's
great scheme of things
everything always
turns out for the best?
Well, I-I don't know.
I mean, maybe we
should've gone to Greenland.
- Oh, come on, Laverne.
- Well, we never go no place.
Come on, stop that.
We're gonna go places.
We're gonna go home.
We're gonna get them
raises and that promotion.
We're gonna be
headed everywhere.
Yeah, you're right. And if
we do ever go to Greenland,
we are gonna go
first class, right?
- That's right.
- We are gonna stay
in the Greenland
Howard Johnson's.
Oh, think of it, think of it...
Snowcapped, orange rooftops.
- Someday.
- Someday.
Shirl, do you think
anyone's still awake?
Ah, we're home.
Our stairs!
Our bills!
Our loved ones!
We're home.
We're home!
Hey! What's...?
Carmine! Oh, Carmine!
Ah, muffin, it's
4:00 in the morning!
You missed your own party!
I'll see you tomorrow, and
we'll swap a lot of war stories.
- Okay, Pop.
- Welcome home.
I'm so glad you
got your jobs back.
Oh, me, too.
Oh, thank you. Well,
we're so glad to be home.
Can't wait to see your tattoos.
- Come on, this way.
- Be careful.
- This way. That way.
- Be careful, now, Carmine.
- Welcome home, girls.
- Thank you.
Squiggy's gonna be
awful disappointed.
He's not gonna
remember any of this.
Oh, oh, oh, listen, by the way,
we left some stuff in your room.
Oh, don't worry,
we'll get it tomorrow.
- All right, come on.
- Good-bye.
Hello.
Oh, boy, I can't wait to
sleep in our own beds!
Oh, let's take a
look in there! Oh!
Oh, I love this! Oh,
I love my bedroom!
I love... Boys?
Boys!
- Boys!
- Boys!
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪