Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 7 - The Wedding - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Oh, Louie, Louie, Louie.
Oh, Louie, I can't.
Oh, Louie, no.
Louie, I can't.
Oh, come on,
Louie, it's not right.
- Oh...
- - Okay.
Right, what's not right?
Huh? What's not right?
Come on, Laverne,
come on, this is Louie.
Come on, sweetheart,
we had fun tonight.
Come on, I paid for dinner.
Let's have a little
more fun, huh?
I know, Louie, I know.
Oh, such soft skin.
Oh, but I can't.
I'm not that kind
of girl, Louie.
Cover up!
- Don't ever do that.
- Pop!
You know, you're making
me sorry I ever gave you a key.
I got to talk to you.
Oh.
Private.
Oh... I won't say
a word to a soul.
You can count on that.
Come on, go back to bed.
Get out of here.
- Go.
- All right, okay.
Well, why didn't you
just simply say so?
I'll just go back to bed then.
Listen, it's my-my whole life,
- I've got to talk about it.
- Yeah.
And, uh, I'm alone a lot,
and it's about time.
It's gonna be all right.
So, what do you think?
Did I doze off and
miss something?
No, I need your blessing.
I, uh... I, uh, I want
to marry Edna Babish.
Oh, Pop. Pop. Pop.
- That's wonderful.
- Wonderful!
It's wonderful, I've never...
Will you get out of here?!
This is a very
sentimental moment here.
I can see that.
What do you say?
What do I say?
- Yeah.
- Ooh...
Oh, Pop, oh, Pop,
that's just great.
I'm so happy for you.
I mean, you love
her, she loves you.
Oh... oh... When's the wedding?
Saturday.
Saturday?
Why Saturday?
I booked a church a month ago,
and I been waiting for the
right moment to ask Edna.
Well, the right moment
was a month ago.
I mean, you got to ask her, Pop.
You can't hold a
surprise wedding.
Yeah, you're right.
You going to ask her?
Yeah, I'll slip a note
under her door tonight.
- Wait! Wait just a minute...
- Wait! Wait a second, Pop!
- Would you get out of my way?!
- Ow!
Listen, I sat by
quietly... No, you didn't.
Well, I tried, didn't I?
Anyway, you cannot
ask a woman to marry you
by slipping a note
under her door.
You have to make the
evening a special event.
Eh, she's right there, Pop.
You got to take her out
and ask her at a nice place
or something, you know,
make it a little special.
Cockfights.
He can take her
to the cockfights.
I can't believe
you... Cockfights!
Phooey, no!
Not the cockfights!
You got to take her
to someplace romantic,
like, like the Cafe La Pfister.
- Oh...
- Ooh, yes. Oh. - yeah.
Oh, I just love the food there.
How do you know?
You've never eaten there.
I know, but I found a
doggie bag on the bus once.
- It was wonderful, wonderful.
- Really?
You should take her there,
Pop. What do you say, huh?
Yes, really, I mean,
once you think about it.
- Come on, Pop, come on.
- Come on, come on.
Okay, I'll take her.
- Oh, good, great.
- Oh, that's great.
Okay, you take
her there, and then
- we got a million things to do.
- Saturday! Saturday!
- Oh, no.
- We got to get the food...
These go to Milwaukee,
these go to Brooklyn,
these go to Italy.
Hey, Shirl, did you
finish putting the stamps
on all the announcements?
Yes, I did.
Now, thanks to that,
my tongue is sticking
to the roof of my mouth
from licking so much.
What did you say?
That my tongue is sticking
to the roof of my mouth.
What did you say?
Don't tease me, Laverne.
Don't you push me.
Go on, say, "Peter Piper picked
a peck of peppered pickles."
Peter Piper picked
a peck of... Hi, girls.
Oh... congratulations!
What? What?
You didn't ask her?!
What do you mean?
Didn't ask me what?
Uh, what size are your shoes?
Yeah, what size are your shoes?
My left foot is seven and
my right foot is six and a half.
- Oh, how interesting.
- Oh, well, that's good.
Okay, we'll get out of here
and then you ask her, okay?
Okay? Do that.
Come on, Shirl,
we got to go mail...
mail the laundry.
- Come on.
- All right, okay.
Wait a minute, I can't go
out in public talking like this.
Well, then, shut up.
I can't! I've got to
say hello to people.
Will you please tell me
what is going on here?
I thought we came over
here to visit with the girls.
- Yeah, well...
- What are these?
Uh, they're cans.
I know that, but why are
they all strung together?
Telephone. Telephone cans.
Never did... put
one to your ear.
Hello, Edna?
Hi. Hello.
I'm sorry, but the number
that you have reached
has no idea why
everyone is acting so weird.
Yeah, you're right.
Hang up your can.
Here, come here.
Come on, come on.
Here, sit over here.
Listen, you and I, I mean,
uh, man, woman, right?
We, I know you four,
five, four and a half, four...
What's the
difference, how long...?
- Yeah, four... yeah.
- It's a long time.
We go together, right?
- Yeah.
- And, uh, you got a place
and... and I got a place.
That's a lot of places.
So, what are you
going to do with it?
I understood you
better on the can.
Let me, let me tell you...
You know I ain't romantic.
I-I-I can't say a lot
of those fancy words
and nice th... you know.
I-I get mixed up a lot
of times, when I talk...
well, one thing I
know, very much...
I love you.
You understand, and, uh,
then there's a lot of
other words to go with it,
but I don't know
what they are...
But I know at the end of it,
it's going to be only one thing,
is I want to marry you.
Okay?
Oh, Frank.
Those are the prettiest
words I never heard.
And yes, I would like
very much to be your wife.
I'll marry you tonight.
No, no, no, no, no. Saturday.
Tonight, tonight we can pretend.
Edna?
Frank.
Help me up.
Laverne, can I talk
to you a second?
Oh, sure, go ahead, shoot.
Are-are... are we alone?
Oh, yeah, Shirley's
down at the church.
Uh, we want to
sing at your wedding,
so she's making
the arrangements.
You're going to sing?
Well, yeah, we can't afford a
big wedding gift or anything,
so we thought this would
be our present to you.
Oh...
You don't want us to
sing at your wedding?
Oh, no, I'd love it.
Oh, good, 'cause for a moment
my heart was going there, you know?
I-I'd love it, thank you.
- Yeah.
- Honey.
Honey?
Oh, that just sort
of slipped out.
I meant to say Laverne.
No, no, I like that "honey."
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I don't want you
to think I'm being pushy.
You, pushy? Come on.
You know, I think
you're terrific.
I'm sorry.
Here, we'll clean that right up.
Listen, Laverne,
you don't think I'm
trying to steal your father
from you, do you?
Well, not unless you've got him
locked in the trunk of your car.
Look, I'm serious.
I want to get everything
out in the open.
All right, if you really
want to hear the truth,
I'll tell it to you.
Sit down, come on.
Forget the truth,
tell me a nice lie.
No, no, you said you
wanted to hear the truth.
Well, these are
the hard, cold facts.
Edna...
I think you're the kindest,
gentlest, warmest person
in the whole world.
And I would be proud and happy
to have you as a member
of the DeFazio family.
Oh...
Look what you've
done, now I'm leaking.
Aw, well... Come here.
It's just so nice.
Blow.
Councilman O'Neill is dead!
He's dead, he's gone,
he's dead as a doornail,
the man is a stiff!
Did she know him that well?
No, she met him once, he
said, "Top of the morning to you"
and then grabbed her bottom.
I'm not upset because
the man is dead.
The man was a pervert!
I'm upset because...
well, it seems as
though they're...
they're holding the
funeral tomorrow at 2:00.
In the church.
That's when we're
supposed to get married!
- Well, so?
- I knew it!
I just knew this
was gonna happen.
It's happened every single time.
Oh, now don't get crazy,
don't worry, don't worry,
don't worry.
Look, we just move the
wedding back a week,
and that'll give us more
time to practice our song.
- No, no.
- No?
Don't you see? I just knew
this was gonna happen.
I've been married five times,
and every single time,
for some reason or other,
the wedding had to be postponed.
That's five postponements,
and five broken marriages.
Don't you see, that's a sign.
It's a bad omen.
We might as well just
forget about the whole
- No, no...
- pea-picking wedding
because this marriage is
doomed just like all the others.
Well, this is a bitter
disappointment.
- It's a sign from God.
- I mean, she's not going to be wed,
I'm not going to get to sing...
Words from the man
of the moment here!
Come on, Franky boy.
Don't be shy Franky,
speak out. Speak up.
I want to thank you fellas
for giving me this
beautiful little party.
Aw... If I ever had a son...
I would want him
to be just like...
Mickey Mantle.
But you guys are terrific.
- Thank you.
- You really are.
You ain't got to say that.
I have here a ledger...
that has in here all the
monies you guys owe me.
For eats and drinks
over the years,
it amounts to over $133.84.
Whew!
I left my wallet
in my other pants.
You know, I left my
wallet in his pants, too.
I left my pants at home.
Well, you got nothing
to worry about,
because this is my
party... and we're even.
Franky, you got a heart of gold!
Aw, we love you, you
crazy old bachelor!
All right, all right,
all right, all right,
All right, all right, all
right, all right, all right.
We now come to the
highlight of the bachelor party.
- And that is the dirty cake.
- Dirty cake?
Inside of this pastry, we have
waiting for us, a naked lady.
Boom!
- Sha, sha, sha, sha, shh, sha.
- Shh! Shh!
Now, when she comes out
naked, we got to all act like
we don't know she's
going to be that way.
- So be surprised, all right?
- All right, all right.
Be surprised, be surprised.
When I command, when I
command you, dear, come out naked.
All right, on three.
One... two... three.
The naked woman!
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Maybe she's coming out slow
so she don't spoil
the decorations.
I know she's in here.
We want the big show.
- We want the big show.
- Ah...
Come on, Squigg,
what's the matter with her?
I don't know.
Hey, look, there's a hole in
the back... she tunneled out.
And look, there's
a trail of frosting
leading into the bowling alley.
Let's get her before
she rents her shoes.
I wonder if this was hers?
One little look.
Frank?
Wha-what are you doing
here? This is a bachelor party.
What are you doing here?
Well, where are
all your bachelors?
They're chasing a naked
girl in the bowling alley.
Well, I'm glad the boys
are having a good time.
Sit down.
I've got something
important to tell you.
What?
The girls finally
found a church.
Is it Catholic?
I'm not sure.
Well, I mean, there
was so little time,
and you can't be picky
when you're getting it
from the Yellow Pages.
Oh, what's the difference...
I'll marry you in a Dairy Queen.
- What's the difference?
- Oh, you're so sweet.
- Yeah...
- Oh, Frank, I was so scared.
- I-I was so...
- About what?
I was so afraid this marriage
was going to be jinxed
like all the others.
Come on, what others?
Well, I want it to be perfect.
It's going to be perfect.
You got nothing to worry about,
sweetheart, for goodness sake.
We're going to have a honeymoon
that's going to last us
forever and ever and ever.
It's going to be a long
honeymoon, don't worry.
You'll carry me
across the threshold?
No.
Because if I do, I'll miss
all the fun on the other side.
Am I relieved.
Why is that?
Well, I was afraid that
everybody at the wedding
would be wearing my jacket.
I think you're the only one
who took it to Earl Scheib.
Are you nervous, Pop?
I can't talk.
What, you're that nervous?
My collar's tight.
Oh, here, here, let me fix it.
How's that? Is that better?
Oh, sure.
Oh, Pop, I'm so glad you
found someone to love.
I always had somebody
to love, muffin.
I found another one, that's all.
Oh, the bride is coming!
The bride is coming!
The bride is coming!
Everybody, take your
places, please. The bride...
Would you come in for a landing?
Sorry, my heart's
just all a-flutter, so...
Well, go a-flutter it
up there someplace.
Okay, there's your robe.
Okay, are you ready, Pop?
As ready as I'll ever be.
Please be seated.
Not the groom.
Oh, uh, I forgot to tell
you, I'm the best man, too.
See, I got the ring right here.
All in good time, Brother.
But for now, sit.
Dearly beloved, welcome
to the Good Time Church.
I'm your pastor, Reverend Larry,
and I'm here to join
these two people
in the everlasting
bonds of holy matrimony.
Also lending their voices
to our ceremony today,
we are proud to have
Sister Laverne DeFazio
and Sister Shirley Feeney,
who will be assisted by our
own Heavenly Tabernacle Choir.
Amen.
Amen.
- Hello. Hello.
- How you doing?
- Hi.
- Hello.
Laverne, who are these people?
Well, they ain't my relatives
from Brooklyn, okay?
Maybe they come with the church.
Yeah, they're probably
part of Reverend Larry's
hundred dollar wedding package.
Oh, C.M.
Oh, choir member.
I'm Laverne.
Hi.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, gee, they want the money.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't
bring my pocketbook with me.
Could I pay you later?
Oh, they don't want
you to pay them.
They want us to play these.
Honey, relax.
Join in when you
get the hang of it.
Okay. Right.
Laverne, what
are we going to do?
We didn't rehearse
with these people.
Don't worry. Don't worry!
It'll be beautiful.
Brother Frank is here
to take this woman
as his lawfully wedded wife.
To live together in the
state of holy matrimony.
♪ State of holy matrimony. ♪
Amen.
Sister Edna is here
to take this man
as her lawfully wedded husband,
to live together as one.
♪ Live together, live
together, live together ♪
♪ As one, as one ♪
♪ As one, as one, as one ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
Do you, Brother Frank,
promise to love, honor
and cherish Sister Edna as
long as you both shall live?
♪ Talk about love,
honor and cherish ♪
♪ Talk about love,
honor and cherish ♪
- ♪ Talk about love ♪
- ♪ Love ♪
- ♪ Honor ♪
- ♪ Honor ♪
♪ Love, honor and cherish ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
Now?
Yes, Brother.
I do.
♪ He does! ♪
Now, do you, Sister Edna,
promise to love, honor
and cherish Brother Frank
as long as you both shall live?
I do.
♪ They do, do, do, do ♪
♪ They do, do, do, do ♪
♪ They do, do, do, do ♪
- ♪ They do ♪
- ♪ They do, they do ♪
♪ They really do! ♪
You may now place the
ring on the bride's finger.
- Ring? Ring? - - Psst.
- Ring. Ring.
- The ring, Brother.
By virtue of the authority
vested in me by Him
and the great
state of Wisconsin,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ You got to kiss him ♪
♪ And hold him tight ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah ♪
♪ Yeah-yeah-yeah,
yeah-yeah-yeah ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
Can I kiss her now?
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
Well, Mr. DeFazio.
I'm waiting, Mrs. DeFazio.
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hal-le-lu... ♪
♪ ...jah. ♪
Laverne, Laverne, catch.
Okay? All right, ready? Hit it!
♪ That's what he's looking ♪
♪ For... ♪
♪ Looking for ♪
♪ Looking for somebody
who'll be faithful ♪
♪ Looking for ♪
♪ Looking for
somebody who'll be true ♪
♪ Looking for ♪
♪ Looking for someone
who'll be faithful ♪
♪ Do, do ♪
♪ Looking for
someone who'll be true ♪
♪ Do, do ♪
♪ Looking for someone
who'll be faithful ♪
♪ Oh, yes, he is ♪
♪ Faithful to the end. ♪
- ♪ Come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, children, let's sing
about the goodness of the Lord ♪
- ♪ Yes, come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, children, let's sing
about the goodness of the Lord ♪
- ♪ Come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, children, let's sing
about the goodness of the Lord ♪
- ♪ Come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, children, let's sing
about the goodness of the Lord ♪
- ♪ Come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, now, let's sing... ♪
♪ About the goodness... ♪
♪ Of the... ♪
♪ Lord... ♪
Amen.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Oh, Louie, Louie, Louie.
Oh, Louie, I can't.
Oh, Louie, no.
Louie, I can't.
Oh, come on,
Louie, it's not right.
- Oh...
- - Okay.
Right, what's not right?
Huh? What's not right?
Come on, Laverne,
come on, this is Louie.
Come on, sweetheart,
we had fun tonight.
Come on, I paid for dinner.
Let's have a little
more fun, huh?
I know, Louie, I know.
Oh, such soft skin.
Oh, but I can't.
I'm not that kind
of girl, Louie.
Cover up!
- Don't ever do that.
- Pop!
You know, you're making
me sorry I ever gave you a key.
I got to talk to you.
Oh.
Private.
Oh... I won't say
a word to a soul.
You can count on that.
Come on, go back to bed.
Get out of here.
- Go.
- All right, okay.
Well, why didn't you
just simply say so?
I'll just go back to bed then.
Listen, it's my-my whole life,
- I've got to talk about it.
- Yeah.
And, uh, I'm alone a lot,
and it's about time.
It's gonna be all right.
So, what do you think?
Did I doze off and
miss something?
No, I need your blessing.
I, uh... I, uh, I want
to marry Edna Babish.
Oh, Pop. Pop. Pop.
- That's wonderful.
- Wonderful!
It's wonderful, I've never...
Will you get out of here?!
This is a very
sentimental moment here.
I can see that.
What do you say?
What do I say?
- Yeah.
- Ooh...
Oh, Pop, oh, Pop,
that's just great.
I'm so happy for you.
I mean, you love
her, she loves you.
Oh... oh... When's the wedding?
Saturday.
Saturday?
Why Saturday?
I booked a church a month ago,
and I been waiting for the
right moment to ask Edna.
Well, the right moment
was a month ago.
I mean, you got to ask her, Pop.
You can't hold a
surprise wedding.
Yeah, you're right.
You going to ask her?
Yeah, I'll slip a note
under her door tonight.
- Wait! Wait just a minute...
- Wait! Wait a second, Pop!
- Would you get out of my way?!
- Ow!
Listen, I sat by
quietly... No, you didn't.
Well, I tried, didn't I?
Anyway, you cannot
ask a woman to marry you
by slipping a note
under her door.
You have to make the
evening a special event.
Eh, she's right there, Pop.
You got to take her out
and ask her at a nice place
or something, you know,
make it a little special.
Cockfights.
He can take her
to the cockfights.
I can't believe
you... Cockfights!
Phooey, no!
Not the cockfights!
You got to take her
to someplace romantic,
like, like the Cafe La Pfister.
- Oh...
- Ooh, yes. Oh. - yeah.
Oh, I just love the food there.
How do you know?
You've never eaten there.
I know, but I found a
doggie bag on the bus once.
- It was wonderful, wonderful.
- Really?
You should take her there,
Pop. What do you say, huh?
Yes, really, I mean,
once you think about it.
- Come on, Pop, come on.
- Come on, come on.
Okay, I'll take her.
- Oh, good, great.
- Oh, that's great.
Okay, you take
her there, and then
- we got a million things to do.
- Saturday! Saturday!
- Oh, no.
- We got to get the food...
These go to Milwaukee,
these go to Brooklyn,
these go to Italy.
Hey, Shirl, did you
finish putting the stamps
on all the announcements?
Yes, I did.
Now, thanks to that,
my tongue is sticking
to the roof of my mouth
from licking so much.
What did you say?
That my tongue is sticking
to the roof of my mouth.
What did you say?
Don't tease me, Laverne.
Don't you push me.
Go on, say, "Peter Piper picked
a peck of peppered pickles."
Peter Piper picked
a peck of... Hi, girls.
Oh... congratulations!
What? What?
You didn't ask her?!
What do you mean?
Didn't ask me what?
Uh, what size are your shoes?
Yeah, what size are your shoes?
My left foot is seven and
my right foot is six and a half.
- Oh, how interesting.
- Oh, well, that's good.
Okay, we'll get out of here
and then you ask her, okay?
Okay? Do that.
Come on, Shirl,
we got to go mail...
mail the laundry.
- Come on.
- All right, okay.
Wait a minute, I can't go
out in public talking like this.
Well, then, shut up.
I can't! I've got to
say hello to people.
Will you please tell me
what is going on here?
I thought we came over
here to visit with the girls.
- Yeah, well...
- What are these?
Uh, they're cans.
I know that, but why are
they all strung together?
Telephone. Telephone cans.
Never did... put
one to your ear.
Hello, Edna?
Hi. Hello.
I'm sorry, but the number
that you have reached
has no idea why
everyone is acting so weird.
Yeah, you're right.
Hang up your can.
Here, come here.
Come on, come on.
Here, sit over here.
Listen, you and I, I mean,
uh, man, woman, right?
We, I know you four,
five, four and a half, four...
What's the
difference, how long...?
- Yeah, four... yeah.
- It's a long time.
We go together, right?
- Yeah.
- And, uh, you got a place
and... and I got a place.
That's a lot of places.
So, what are you
going to do with it?
I understood you
better on the can.
Let me, let me tell you...
You know I ain't romantic.
I-I-I can't say a lot
of those fancy words
and nice th... you know.
I-I get mixed up a lot
of times, when I talk...
well, one thing I
know, very much...
I love you.
You understand, and, uh,
then there's a lot of
other words to go with it,
but I don't know
what they are...
But I know at the end of it,
it's going to be only one thing,
is I want to marry you.
Okay?
Oh, Frank.
Those are the prettiest
words I never heard.
And yes, I would like
very much to be your wife.
I'll marry you tonight.
No, no, no, no, no. Saturday.
Tonight, tonight we can pretend.
Edna?
Frank.
Help me up.
Laverne, can I talk
to you a second?
Oh, sure, go ahead, shoot.
Are-are... are we alone?
Oh, yeah, Shirley's
down at the church.
Uh, we want to
sing at your wedding,
so she's making
the arrangements.
You're going to sing?
Well, yeah, we can't afford a
big wedding gift or anything,
so we thought this would
be our present to you.
Oh...
You don't want us to
sing at your wedding?
Oh, no, I'd love it.
Oh, good, 'cause for a moment
my heart was going there, you know?
I-I'd love it, thank you.
- Yeah.
- Honey.
Honey?
Oh, that just sort
of slipped out.
I meant to say Laverne.
No, no, I like that "honey."
Really?
Yeah.
Well, I don't want you
to think I'm being pushy.
You, pushy? Come on.
You know, I think
you're terrific.
I'm sorry.
Here, we'll clean that right up.
Listen, Laverne,
you don't think I'm
trying to steal your father
from you, do you?
Well, not unless you've got him
locked in the trunk of your car.
Look, I'm serious.
I want to get everything
out in the open.
All right, if you really
want to hear the truth,
I'll tell it to you.
Sit down, come on.
Forget the truth,
tell me a nice lie.
No, no, you said you
wanted to hear the truth.
Well, these are
the hard, cold facts.
Edna...
I think you're the kindest,
gentlest, warmest person
in the whole world.
And I would be proud and happy
to have you as a member
of the DeFazio family.
Oh...
Look what you've
done, now I'm leaking.
Aw, well... Come here.
It's just so nice.
Blow.
Councilman O'Neill is dead!
He's dead, he's gone,
he's dead as a doornail,
the man is a stiff!
Did she know him that well?
No, she met him once, he
said, "Top of the morning to you"
and then grabbed her bottom.
I'm not upset because
the man is dead.
The man was a pervert!
I'm upset because...
well, it seems as
though they're...
they're holding the
funeral tomorrow at 2:00.
In the church.
That's when we're
supposed to get married!
- Well, so?
- I knew it!
I just knew this
was gonna happen.
It's happened every single time.
Oh, now don't get crazy,
don't worry, don't worry,
don't worry.
Look, we just move the
wedding back a week,
and that'll give us more
time to practice our song.
- No, no.
- No?
Don't you see? I just knew
this was gonna happen.
I've been married five times,
and every single time,
for some reason or other,
the wedding had to be postponed.
That's five postponements,
and five broken marriages.
Don't you see, that's a sign.
It's a bad omen.
We might as well just
forget about the whole
- No, no...
- pea-picking wedding
because this marriage is
doomed just like all the others.
Well, this is a bitter
disappointment.
- It's a sign from God.
- I mean, she's not going to be wed,
I'm not going to get to sing...
Words from the man
of the moment here!
Come on, Franky boy.
Don't be shy Franky,
speak out. Speak up.
I want to thank you fellas
for giving me this
beautiful little party.
Aw... If I ever had a son...
I would want him
to be just like...
Mickey Mantle.
But you guys are terrific.
- Thank you.
- You really are.
You ain't got to say that.
I have here a ledger...
that has in here all the
monies you guys owe me.
For eats and drinks
over the years,
it amounts to over $133.84.
Whew!
I left my wallet
in my other pants.
You know, I left my
wallet in his pants, too.
I left my pants at home.
Well, you got nothing
to worry about,
because this is my
party... and we're even.
Franky, you got a heart of gold!
Aw, we love you, you
crazy old bachelor!
All right, all right,
all right, all right,
All right, all right, all
right, all right, all right.
We now come to the
highlight of the bachelor party.
- And that is the dirty cake.
- Dirty cake?
Inside of this pastry, we have
waiting for us, a naked lady.
Boom!
- Sha, sha, sha, sha, shh, sha.
- Shh! Shh!
Now, when she comes out
naked, we got to all act like
we don't know she's
going to be that way.
- So be surprised, all right?
- All right, all right.
Be surprised, be surprised.
When I command, when I
command you, dear, come out naked.
All right, on three.
One... two... three.
The naked woman!
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Maybe she's coming out slow
so she don't spoil
the decorations.
I know she's in here.
We want the big show.
- We want the big show.
- Ah...
Come on, Squigg,
what's the matter with her?
I don't know.
Hey, look, there's a hole in
the back... she tunneled out.
And look, there's
a trail of frosting
leading into the bowling alley.
Let's get her before
she rents her shoes.
I wonder if this was hers?
One little look.
Frank?
Wha-what are you doing
here? This is a bachelor party.
What are you doing here?
Well, where are
all your bachelors?
They're chasing a naked
girl in the bowling alley.
Well, I'm glad the boys
are having a good time.
Sit down.
I've got something
important to tell you.
What?
The girls finally
found a church.
Is it Catholic?
I'm not sure.
Well, I mean, there
was so little time,
and you can't be picky
when you're getting it
from the Yellow Pages.
Oh, what's the difference...
I'll marry you in a Dairy Queen.
- What's the difference?
- Oh, you're so sweet.
- Yeah...
- Oh, Frank, I was so scared.
- I-I was so...
- About what?
I was so afraid this marriage
was going to be jinxed
like all the others.
Come on, what others?
Well, I want it to be perfect.
It's going to be perfect.
You got nothing to worry about,
sweetheart, for goodness sake.
We're going to have a honeymoon
that's going to last us
forever and ever and ever.
It's going to be a long
honeymoon, don't worry.
You'll carry me
across the threshold?
No.
Because if I do, I'll miss
all the fun on the other side.
Am I relieved.
Why is that?
Well, I was afraid that
everybody at the wedding
would be wearing my jacket.
I think you're the only one
who took it to Earl Scheib.
Are you nervous, Pop?
I can't talk.
What, you're that nervous?
My collar's tight.
Oh, here, here, let me fix it.
How's that? Is that better?
Oh, sure.
Oh, Pop, I'm so glad you
found someone to love.
I always had somebody
to love, muffin.
I found another one, that's all.
Oh, the bride is coming!
The bride is coming!
The bride is coming!
Everybody, take your
places, please. The bride...
Would you come in for a landing?
Sorry, my heart's
just all a-flutter, so...
Well, go a-flutter it
up there someplace.
Okay, there's your robe.
Okay, are you ready, Pop?
As ready as I'll ever be.
Please be seated.
Not the groom.
Oh, uh, I forgot to tell
you, I'm the best man, too.
See, I got the ring right here.
All in good time, Brother.
But for now, sit.
Dearly beloved, welcome
to the Good Time Church.
I'm your pastor, Reverend Larry,
and I'm here to join
these two people
in the everlasting
bonds of holy matrimony.
Also lending their voices
to our ceremony today,
we are proud to have
Sister Laverne DeFazio
and Sister Shirley Feeney,
who will be assisted by our
own Heavenly Tabernacle Choir.
Amen.
Amen.
- Hello. Hello.
- How you doing?
- Hi.
- Hello.
Laverne, who are these people?
Well, they ain't my relatives
from Brooklyn, okay?
Maybe they come with the church.
Yeah, they're probably
part of Reverend Larry's
hundred dollar wedding package.
Oh, C.M.
Oh, choir member.
I'm Laverne.
Hi.
- Oh, thank you.
- Oh, gee, they want the money.
Look, I'm sorry I didn't
bring my pocketbook with me.
Could I pay you later?
Oh, they don't want
you to pay them.
They want us to play these.
Honey, relax.
Join in when you
get the hang of it.
Okay. Right.
Laverne, what
are we going to do?
We didn't rehearse
with these people.
Don't worry. Don't worry!
It'll be beautiful.
Brother Frank is here
to take this woman
as his lawfully wedded wife.
To live together in the
state of holy matrimony.
♪ State of holy matrimony. ♪
Amen.
Sister Edna is here
to take this man
as her lawfully wedded husband,
to live together as one.
♪ Live together, live
together, live together ♪
♪ As one, as one ♪
♪ As one, as one, as one ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
Do you, Brother Frank,
promise to love, honor
and cherish Sister Edna as
long as you both shall live?
♪ Talk about love,
honor and cherish ♪
♪ Talk about love,
honor and cherish ♪
- ♪ Talk about love ♪
- ♪ Love ♪
- ♪ Honor ♪
- ♪ Honor ♪
♪ Love, honor and cherish ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
Now?
Yes, Brother.
I do.
♪ He does! ♪
Now, do you, Sister Edna,
promise to love, honor
and cherish Brother Frank
as long as you both shall live?
I do.
♪ They do, do, do, do ♪
♪ They do, do, do, do ♪
♪ They do, do, do, do ♪
- ♪ They do ♪
- ♪ They do, they do ♪
♪ They really do! ♪
You may now place the
ring on the bride's finger.
- Ring? Ring? - - Psst.
- Ring. Ring.
- The ring, Brother.
By virtue of the authority
vested in me by Him
and the great
state of Wisconsin,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may now kiss the bride.
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ You got to kiss him ♪
♪ And hold him tight ♪
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah ♪
♪ Yeah-yeah-yeah,
yeah-yeah-yeah ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
Can I kiss her now?
♪ Oh, yeah... ♪
Well, Mr. DeFazio.
I'm waiting, Mrs. DeFazio.
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hal-le-lu... ♪
♪ ...jah. ♪
Laverne, Laverne, catch.
Okay? All right, ready? Hit it!
♪ That's what he's looking ♪
♪ For... ♪
♪ Looking for ♪
♪ Looking for somebody
who'll be faithful ♪
♪ Looking for ♪
♪ Looking for
somebody who'll be true ♪
♪ Looking for ♪
♪ Looking for someone
who'll be faithful ♪
♪ Do, do ♪
♪ Looking for
someone who'll be true ♪
♪ Do, do ♪
♪ Looking for someone
who'll be faithful ♪
♪ Oh, yes, he is ♪
♪ Faithful to the end. ♪
- ♪ Come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, children, let's sing
about the goodness of the Lord ♪
- ♪ Yes, come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, children, let's sing
about the goodness of the Lord ♪
- ♪ Come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, children, let's sing
about the goodness of the Lord ♪
- ♪ Come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, children, let's sing
about the goodness of the Lord ♪
- ♪ Come on, children ♪
- ♪ Let's sing ♪
- ♪ Come on, children, let's
shout ♪ -♪ Let's shout ♪
♪ Come on, now, let's sing... ♪
♪ About the goodness... ♪
♪ Of the... ♪
♪ Lord... ♪
Amen.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪