Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 4 - Upstairs, Downstairs - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Four to six weeks delivery,
just like he promised.
Oh, Pierre of Peewaulkee
never lets us down, huh?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh...!
My... my... My heart, my heart!
Would you feast your eyes
on these babies, Shirl, huh?
A "Make Him Glad
to be Bad" nightie
and matching scanty panties.
You aren't actually going to
wear those to sleep in, are you?
Sure, I am.
All right, but don't
come crying to me
if you come down
with a nasty chest cold.
As for me, I will be snug
as a bug in a rug in my
"Very Nearly Velvet" gloves
and matching fuzzy wuzzys.
What did you put in the couch?
What couch?
The couch with the
guilty look on its face.
Nothing!
No, no, no...
Go away, go away, go
away, go away, go away, g...
Laverne!
A Hubba-Hubba Hiney?
You bought a Hubba-Hubba Hiney?
Laverne, every woman
highlights certain features.
If she's pale, she uses rouge,
if she has short eyelashes,
she uses mascara, doesn't she?
And if she doesn't have a rear
end, she uses this, doesn't she?
I knew I could count on
you to be sensitive about this.
You want this back?
Gonna put it on?
Not now.
When?
I don't know. Would you just
climb off my hiney, please?
Oh...
Anything good come in the mail?
I don't know. This is
from the phone company.
Holy Rhumba!
It's a check for 56 bucks!
Oh boy, we are really
rolling in it now, aren't we?
Oh, gee, "This is to inform
you that you will find this check
for 56... refund on
transatlantic calls."
We don't know anyone
in Trans-Atlantia.
Nuts, it must be a mistake.
Well, we'll just have to return
this to the phone company.
- What are you, crazy?
- Oh!
Someone gives us 56 bucks,
and you want to give it back?
Well, yes, of course.
- You know what you are?
- What?
I'm not going to sign
that check, Laverne.
Well, I am practicing your
signature right now, Shirl.
May I tell you a
little story, Laverne?
Aw, gee, not now Shirl, okay?
Someday, because we did
the right thing, we're going
to be standing before
the Pearly Gates,
waiting to get into Heaven.
And on that great
getting-up morning...
Would you make
your point already?
When the saints go marching
in, I want to be in that number.
And we will be, Laverne,
if we return that money.
Shirl, we are
going to sleep now.
We are cashing that check
tomorrow, and I don't want
to hear any more talk
about Heaven, saints,
or where they are marching.
We made it!
We made it, we
made it, we made it!
We made it, Laverne! We made it!
Laverne? Laverne?
What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Shirl, you better watch your step.
- I think they got potholes in Heaven.
- Oh.
Well, I'll ask them to
put up little warning signs.
Hey Shirl, look, you could
see our house from here!
Oh, look at all the
people going in.
Oh, they must be dropping
by to pay their last respects.
No, they're stealing
our furniture.
Welcome.
Coo, coo, coo... coo,
coo, coo... coo-coo!
Coo, coo, coo...
- coo, coo, coo...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
You must be Shirley... Feeney.
Yes!
Let's see what we have here.
- Oh, ho, very impressive.
- Mm-hmm.
Volunteer work in the hospital,
saving that doomed little
doggie's life, bow wow...
and returning that check...
to the phone company.
Uh, do you want
to read my list now?
Sure. Here it is.
Short and sweet.
You agreed with
Shirley about the check.
Yeah.
- That's it?
- That's it.
Well, is that going to
be enough to get me in?
No!
Are you kidding?
- Impossible.
- Oh, please... -
Oh, oh, please, please...
she's my best friend. Please.
Oh, well, any friend of
yours must be a good person.
Yes... yes...
- You can come in, too.
- Oh, thank you.
Shirley Feeney,
welcome to Heaven.
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
Thank you!
Thank you all very, very much.
I'm happy to be here.
All right.
Just going to
stand there all day?
Come on.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah... ♪
♪ Hallelujah... ♪
Thanks.
I don't think they like me
very much up here, Shirl.
Oh, don't be
silly, don't be silly.
In Heaven, they treat
everyone the same.
All right, wardrobe! Come, come.
All right, girls, wing it.
Oh! Oh! Thank you.
Thank you very much. Oh!
- Well, girls, enjoy your stay.
- Thank you.
Oh my, I must go now.
The time flies.
But then, so do I.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Coo, coo, coo, coo... Ouch!
Shirl, you said everybody was
treated the same in Heaven.
Yes.
Well, how come you got
wings, and I don't, huh?
Well, they're probably
out of your size.
What size? A wing's a wing.
It's not fair, Shirl.
I want wings, too.
Oh, all right, you big crybaby.
I'll share my wings with you.
You can have one of... Ow!
- Goodness gracious!
- Put it on me... put it on me.
Couldn't you have
been gentler about that?
- There!
- Want to take it out for a spin?
- Try them out, you know.
- Okay.
Take a little fly
around Heaven, huh?
What do you want to do?
Where do you want to go?
How about up to that
little cloud up there, okay?
Okay. All right.
On your mark... get set...
One... two... Three!
♪ Heaven... I'm in Heaven ♪
♪ And my hearts beats so ♪
♪ That I can hardly speak... ♪
Hi, Carmine.
Angel Face!
No, no, no, no, I-I meant her.
It's-it's an old habit I
picked up downstairs.
Oh, glad to see you
made it, Laverne.
Oh, me too. That's a nice suit.
- Like it?
- Yes.
Uh, what do they have
you doing up here?
Uh, I got a job singing
on the Friendship Train.
Classy room.
Whew! The Friendship
Train. Can you get us tickets
for the Friendship Train?
Don't need no tickets,
just get on board.
Showtime, Mr. Ragu...
♪ Heaven... I'm in Heaven,
and my heart beats so... ♪
- Break a leg.
- Good-bye...
Just think of it, Laverne...
We get to spend eternity
surrounded by the
good and the pure.
Hello.
So this is the great beyond.
Don't force it.
Just follow me
and act real casual.
All right, who do you
think you're kidding?
We brought... We
brought candy... candy.
Candy... I've heard
the word of the Lord,
and he sayeth unto
you... "No way, Jose"!
And you call
yourself benevolent?
He is! Out, you... out... out...
Maybe we ought to put
in a good word for them.
Yes, well, if you can
come up with a good word,
I'll be happy to
put it in for them.
Girls, oh girls, I have
your assignments.
Oh, our assignments.
- Shirley, this is nice.
- Mmm-hmm.
You'll be working
in doggie heaven...
With your husband, the doctor.
My husband, the doctor!
I don't have a
husband, the doctor.
You do now.
Shirley, your
husband, the doctor.
Hello, I'm Shirley, your
wife, the homemaker.
Oh... oh!
- Laverne?
- Yeah?
You'll be working as
Heaven's bus driver.
Aw, come on, Mr. Gatekeeper.
I don't even know
the streets up here.
Think it over.
- I don't want to be...
- Ah, look!
Here come some of
your passengers now.
No bus driver.
I don't got no bus.
What do I do with these guys?
Anything you want.
Remember, you're in Heaven.
♪ Heaven, I'm in Heaven... ♪
Good-bye, Laverne,
and remember...
it's all because
you listened to me...
you listened to me, Laverne...
listen to me, Laverne...
listen to me, Laverne...
Laverne... Laverne, wake up.
Wake up, Laverne...
come on, wake up, wake up
for a second, please.
Wake up, wake up, wake
up. Laverne, wake up.
Back! Back! Back! Back!
Aw, I knew you'd make
a try for this check, huh?
What is that?
Milk and Pepsi.
Want a sip?
Just a sip.
Thank you. Listen,
I had a dream.
I dreamt we died and went
to Heaven, and all our friends
were there, and your family
was there, and there was
an elevator and a gatekeeper,
and they gave us these wonderful
jobs and all because
we returned that money!
I'm not listening, Shirl.
All right, Laverne, you'll
spend eternity in the other place,
and you'll be sorry.
I'm not gonna be sorry.
I'm not gonna be sorry.
I'm not gonna be sorry.
I'm not gonna be sorry...
I'm sorry.
I'm real sorry.
Ow! -Aah!
Well, if it ain't
Feeney and DeFazio!
Oh, please don't tell me
that we've gone to he..., he...
Oh, I can't say it... oh...
You can say it here, wacka,
wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka...
Welcome to Hell!
Wacka, wacka, wacka...
- wacka, wacka...
- Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.
Wacka... Maybe
there's been a mistake.
There's been no mistake!
- DeFazio...
- Yeah.
Very impressive!
Cheating on your geometry final!
I told her not to!
Would you quit kissing up?
That night in the back
of that pickup truck
with Moose Crawford.
I was in love, I swear.
And your most shining hour...
stealing 56 bucks from
the phone company!
Well, it's been so very kind of
you to allow me to come down
here and say
good-bye to Laverne.
Good-bye, Laverne.
Ah, ow, ow!
Could you point me
to the fire exit, please?
You're not going
anywhere, Feeney!
Yeah.
Uh, show her all the
rotten things on her list.
Right...
Helping Laverne steal 56
bucks from the phone company.
- That's it?
- That's it.
You mean I'm sentenced to rot
in you-know-where for eternity
just for playing an
itty-bitty part in one
of her countless sins?
Oh, look on the bright side,
Shirl... we're still roommates.
Roommate, schoommate.
I demand to speak to the
vile and loathsome creature
that runs this wicked inferno!
Hello!
Aw... aw...
You know, this is the first
thing that makes sense.
You be careful who
you choose to castigate!
We can have you fricasseed!
Better do as they say.
Those two are the
Devil's favorites.
Ow!
You?
We're like the sons
he always wanted...
but never dreamed
was conceivable.
Ugh! Then we really are in Hell.
I even said it. Ooh,
I'm feeling evil, already.
Ooh, I have this irresistible
urge to beat up a puppy... ooh!
I'm sorry, but that
position is already taken.
But we'll find
something for you to do...
You shall spend eternity
toasting marshmallows
for the Devil's picnic!
No! No!
Oh!
Big deal, this ain't that bad.
Oh, yeah? Wait till
Jack the Ripper gets here
- with the cold cuts.
- What?
And remember... it's your Hell.
Please keep it clean.
Boo!
If it wasn't for you and
that stupid refund check,
I'd be learning how to
play the harp right now.
- Oh...
- Oh, Miss Goody Two-Shoes.
You know, you've done a lot
of rotten things in your time, too.
Will you please be quiet?
You want them to hear you?
Just shut up!
Shut up? Why don't you
make me shut up? Huh? Huh?
- Oh, oh...
- Come on, make me, make me...
- Okay. All right, all right...
- Make me...
♪ We're having a heat
wave, a tropical heat wave ♪
♪ The temperature's ris... ♪
Ow! Ooh.
Carmine!
Angel Face!
Sorry, it slipped out.
Oh, you poor devil, is there
anything we can do to help you?
Want a bite of marshmallow?
I don't want nothing from you.
It's your fault I'm here.
Who died and made
me the bad guy?
We all did.
You loaned me five dollars
from that stupid money
you stole from the
phone company.
Well, I took your dirty
money, Laverne, and I did...
I did dirty things with it.
Hey, Ragusa!
Quit your yapping
and start singing!
Off-key!
Right away, oh,
Foreman of the Forsaken.
Thanks a lot, Laverne.
♪ We're having a heat
wave, a tropical heat wave... ♪
Nice work, horn head.
Oh, Frank, look
who's here... Laverne.
Ohhh...
Your father's burning.
Are you happy?
What did I do?
He wanted a new pizza oven,
so you chipped in ten dollars.
Dirty money!
And all of a sudden, we
started making a fortune.
Dirty money!
We bought old rundown buildings,
we raised the rent, we became
slum lords, and we went
straight to the big basement.
And it's...
- all your fault!
- All your fault! -All your fault!
Oh, uh, pie man, we've
changed our mind again.
Instead of anchovies,
make that one large pie
with extra hair on it.
That's how we get
to spend eternity.
Every time we make a
pizza, he changes the order.
Thanks, Laverne.
Laverne, if you ever
get hungry... good!
It's not all my fault.
Is it?
Shirl, isn't it about time
for you to cheer me up
with one of your
little pep talks, huh?
Come on, show me
that there's a silver lining.
Tell me it ain't all that bad.
Huh, Shirl?
Not a chance, sister.
I happen to be one of
the Devil's Campfire Girls...
and it's all your fault.
It's all your fault.
- It's all your fault.
- No.
It's all your fault.
It's all your fault.
It's all your fault...
Not my fault...
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault... Laverne...
It's not my fault...
Wake up, you're
having a nightmare.
- Wake up. It's just...
- It's not... it's not my fault!
Okay, it's not your fault.
Shirl, quick, get dressed.
Get dressed. Get dressed.
We're going to take this
check back right away.
What do you mean?
To the phone company?
It's 5:00 a.m. in the morning.
They don't open until 8:00.
Okay, so what? Big deal.
We'll be the first on
line. Now, come on!
Okay, all... do you
think I should wear this?
Shirl, where are you going to
find a pair of pants big enough
to fit over that
big fat thing, huh?
Can I borrow a pair of yours?
It was a joke, really.
It was a joke. Aah,
I swear... aaah!
We have a little...
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
May I help you?
We got this check in the mail.
I kept it, we all went to
Hell, she gave it back,
and we all went to Heaven.
Uh, it's much nicer up
there, so here you go.
About your friend, I think
maybe her receiver's off the hook.
Oh, no... no, she's making
absolutely perfect sense.
- She is?
- Mm-hmm.
Two ding-dongs.
All right, thank you very much.
I'll put it in your
file and check it.
Thank you very much.
I'm so proud of you, Laverne.
It takes a big person to admit it
when they've made a mistake.
Yeah, I was wrong.
And that I was absolutely
right the entire time.
- You were absolutely right.
- The entire time.
The entire time.
Good, I'm glad to
see I've got you back
on the straight and narrow path.
I found a quarter.
I'm gonna turn it in
at the Lost and Found.
Don't you learn?
I swear.
Hey! Hey! Hey, you two,
come on back in here!
I'm sorry.
Here-here's your quarter.
You better keep
your crummy quarter,
you're going to need it.
What are we
going to need it for?
- I just checked your file.
- Yeah. -Yeah.
We don't owe you $56.
- No.
- No?
You owe us $56.
- What? -What?
- Yeah.
It seems there was a
long-distance phone call
for four hours, person
to person, to a Mrs...
Feeney, in California.
Four hours? Yappity, yappity...
Shirl, you're supposed
to call your mother collect.
Not on her birthday.
But for four hours?
Well, Laverne, I
wanted to feel as though
I was there at the party.
Admit it.
You blew it this time, Shirl.
Okay, all right, I admit it.
All right, girls,
here's your bill.
Want to pay me now? Or
do you want to pay me later?
Shirl, get out of here.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Four to six weeks delivery,
just like he promised.
Oh, Pierre of Peewaulkee
never lets us down, huh?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh...!
My... my... My heart, my heart!
Would you feast your eyes
on these babies, Shirl, huh?
A "Make Him Glad
to be Bad" nightie
and matching scanty panties.
You aren't actually going to
wear those to sleep in, are you?
Sure, I am.
All right, but don't
come crying to me
if you come down
with a nasty chest cold.
As for me, I will be snug
as a bug in a rug in my
"Very Nearly Velvet" gloves
and matching fuzzy wuzzys.
What did you put in the couch?
What couch?
The couch with the
guilty look on its face.
Nothing!
No, no, no...
Go away, go away, go
away, go away, go away, g...
Laverne!
A Hubba-Hubba Hiney?
You bought a Hubba-Hubba Hiney?
Laverne, every woman
highlights certain features.
If she's pale, she uses rouge,
if she has short eyelashes,
she uses mascara, doesn't she?
And if she doesn't have a rear
end, she uses this, doesn't she?
I knew I could count on
you to be sensitive about this.
You want this back?
Gonna put it on?
Not now.
When?
I don't know. Would you just
climb off my hiney, please?
Oh...
Anything good come in the mail?
I don't know. This is
from the phone company.
Holy Rhumba!
It's a check for 56 bucks!
Oh boy, we are really
rolling in it now, aren't we?
Oh, gee, "This is to inform
you that you will find this check
for 56... refund on
transatlantic calls."
We don't know anyone
in Trans-Atlantia.
Nuts, it must be a mistake.
Well, we'll just have to return
this to the phone company.
- What are you, crazy?
- Oh!
Someone gives us 56 bucks,
and you want to give it back?
Well, yes, of course.
- You know what you are?
- What?
I'm not going to sign
that check, Laverne.
Well, I am practicing your
signature right now, Shirl.
May I tell you a
little story, Laverne?
Aw, gee, not now Shirl, okay?
Someday, because we did
the right thing, we're going
to be standing before
the Pearly Gates,
waiting to get into Heaven.
And on that great
getting-up morning...
Would you make
your point already?
When the saints go marching
in, I want to be in that number.
And we will be, Laverne,
if we return that money.
Shirl, we are
going to sleep now.
We are cashing that check
tomorrow, and I don't want
to hear any more talk
about Heaven, saints,
or where they are marching.
We made it!
We made it, we
made it, we made it!
We made it, Laverne! We made it!
Laverne? Laverne?
What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Shirl, you better watch your step.
- I think they got potholes in Heaven.
- Oh.
Well, I'll ask them to
put up little warning signs.
Hey Shirl, look, you could
see our house from here!
Oh, look at all the
people going in.
Oh, they must be dropping
by to pay their last respects.
No, they're stealing
our furniture.
Welcome.
Coo, coo, coo... coo,
coo, coo... coo-coo!
Coo, coo, coo...
- coo, coo, coo...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
You must be Shirley... Feeney.
Yes!
Let's see what we have here.
- Oh, ho, very impressive.
- Mm-hmm.
Volunteer work in the hospital,
saving that doomed little
doggie's life, bow wow...
and returning that check...
to the phone company.
Uh, do you want
to read my list now?
Sure. Here it is.
Short and sweet.
You agreed with
Shirley about the check.
Yeah.
- That's it?
- That's it.
Well, is that going to
be enough to get me in?
No!
Are you kidding?
- Impossible.
- Oh, please... -
Oh, oh, please, please...
she's my best friend. Please.
Oh, well, any friend of
yours must be a good person.
Yes... yes...
- You can come in, too.
- Oh, thank you.
Shirley Feeney,
welcome to Heaven.
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah! ♪
Thank you!
Thank you all very, very much.
I'm happy to be here.
All right.
Just going to
stand there all day?
Come on.
♪ Hallelujah ♪
♪ Hallelujah... ♪
♪ Hallelujah... ♪
Thanks.
I don't think they like me
very much up here, Shirl.
Oh, don't be
silly, don't be silly.
In Heaven, they treat
everyone the same.
All right, wardrobe! Come, come.
All right, girls, wing it.
Oh! Oh! Thank you.
Thank you very much. Oh!
- Well, girls, enjoy your stay.
- Thank you.
Oh my, I must go now.
The time flies.
But then, so do I.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Coo, coo, coo, coo... Ouch!
Shirl, you said everybody was
treated the same in Heaven.
Yes.
Well, how come you got
wings, and I don't, huh?
Well, they're probably
out of your size.
What size? A wing's a wing.
It's not fair, Shirl.
I want wings, too.
Oh, all right, you big crybaby.
I'll share my wings with you.
You can have one of... Ow!
- Goodness gracious!
- Put it on me... put it on me.
Couldn't you have
been gentler about that?
- There!
- Want to take it out for a spin?
- Try them out, you know.
- Okay.
Take a little fly
around Heaven, huh?
What do you want to do?
Where do you want to go?
How about up to that
little cloud up there, okay?
Okay. All right.
On your mark... get set...
One... two... Three!
♪ Heaven... I'm in Heaven ♪
♪ And my hearts beats so ♪
♪ That I can hardly speak... ♪
Hi, Carmine.
Angel Face!
No, no, no, no, I-I meant her.
It's-it's an old habit I
picked up downstairs.
Oh, glad to see you
made it, Laverne.
Oh, me too. That's a nice suit.
- Like it?
- Yes.
Uh, what do they have
you doing up here?
Uh, I got a job singing
on the Friendship Train.
Classy room.
Whew! The Friendship
Train. Can you get us tickets
for the Friendship Train?
Don't need no tickets,
just get on board.
Showtime, Mr. Ragu...
♪ Heaven... I'm in Heaven,
and my heart beats so... ♪
- Break a leg.
- Good-bye...
Just think of it, Laverne...
We get to spend eternity
surrounded by the
good and the pure.
Hello.
So this is the great beyond.
Don't force it.
Just follow me
and act real casual.
All right, who do you
think you're kidding?
We brought... We
brought candy... candy.
Candy... I've heard
the word of the Lord,
and he sayeth unto
you... "No way, Jose"!
And you call
yourself benevolent?
He is! Out, you... out... out...
Maybe we ought to put
in a good word for them.
Yes, well, if you can
come up with a good word,
I'll be happy to
put it in for them.
Girls, oh girls, I have
your assignments.
Oh, our assignments.
- Shirley, this is nice.
- Mmm-hmm.
You'll be working
in doggie heaven...
With your husband, the doctor.
My husband, the doctor!
I don't have a
husband, the doctor.
You do now.
Shirley, your
husband, the doctor.
Hello, I'm Shirley, your
wife, the homemaker.
Oh... oh!
- Laverne?
- Yeah?
You'll be working as
Heaven's bus driver.
Aw, come on, Mr. Gatekeeper.
I don't even know
the streets up here.
Think it over.
- I don't want to be...
- Ah, look!
Here come some of
your passengers now.
No bus driver.
I don't got no bus.
What do I do with these guys?
Anything you want.
Remember, you're in Heaven.
♪ Heaven, I'm in Heaven... ♪
Good-bye, Laverne,
and remember...
it's all because
you listened to me...
you listened to me, Laverne...
listen to me, Laverne...
listen to me, Laverne...
Laverne... Laverne, wake up.
Wake up, Laverne...
come on, wake up, wake up
for a second, please.
Wake up, wake up, wake
up. Laverne, wake up.
Back! Back! Back! Back!
Aw, I knew you'd make
a try for this check, huh?
What is that?
Milk and Pepsi.
Want a sip?
Just a sip.
Thank you. Listen,
I had a dream.
I dreamt we died and went
to Heaven, and all our friends
were there, and your family
was there, and there was
an elevator and a gatekeeper,
and they gave us these wonderful
jobs and all because
we returned that money!
I'm not listening, Shirl.
All right, Laverne, you'll
spend eternity in the other place,
and you'll be sorry.
I'm not gonna be sorry.
I'm not gonna be sorry.
I'm not gonna be sorry.
I'm not gonna be sorry...
I'm sorry.
I'm real sorry.
Ow! -Aah!
Well, if it ain't
Feeney and DeFazio!
Oh, please don't tell me
that we've gone to he..., he...
Oh, I can't say it... oh...
You can say it here, wacka,
wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka...
Welcome to Hell!
Wacka, wacka, wacka...
- wacka, wacka...
- Wacka, wacka, wacka, wacka.
Wacka... Maybe
there's been a mistake.
There's been no mistake!
- DeFazio...
- Yeah.
Very impressive!
Cheating on your geometry final!
I told her not to!
Would you quit kissing up?
That night in the back
of that pickup truck
with Moose Crawford.
I was in love, I swear.
And your most shining hour...
stealing 56 bucks from
the phone company!
Well, it's been so very kind of
you to allow me to come down
here and say
good-bye to Laverne.
Good-bye, Laverne.
Ah, ow, ow!
Could you point me
to the fire exit, please?
You're not going
anywhere, Feeney!
Yeah.
Uh, show her all the
rotten things on her list.
Right...
Helping Laverne steal 56
bucks from the phone company.
- That's it?
- That's it.
You mean I'm sentenced to rot
in you-know-where for eternity
just for playing an
itty-bitty part in one
of her countless sins?
Oh, look on the bright side,
Shirl... we're still roommates.
Roommate, schoommate.
I demand to speak to the
vile and loathsome creature
that runs this wicked inferno!
Hello!
Aw... aw...
You know, this is the first
thing that makes sense.
You be careful who
you choose to castigate!
We can have you fricasseed!
Better do as they say.
Those two are the
Devil's favorites.
Ow!
You?
We're like the sons
he always wanted...
but never dreamed
was conceivable.
Ugh! Then we really are in Hell.
I even said it. Ooh,
I'm feeling evil, already.
Ooh, I have this irresistible
urge to beat up a puppy... ooh!
I'm sorry, but that
position is already taken.
But we'll find
something for you to do...
You shall spend eternity
toasting marshmallows
for the Devil's picnic!
No! No!
Oh!
Big deal, this ain't that bad.
Oh, yeah? Wait till
Jack the Ripper gets here
- with the cold cuts.
- What?
And remember... it's your Hell.
Please keep it clean.
Boo!
If it wasn't for you and
that stupid refund check,
I'd be learning how to
play the harp right now.
- Oh...
- Oh, Miss Goody Two-Shoes.
You know, you've done a lot
of rotten things in your time, too.
Will you please be quiet?
You want them to hear you?
Just shut up!
Shut up? Why don't you
make me shut up? Huh? Huh?
- Oh, oh...
- Come on, make me, make me...
- Okay. All right, all right...
- Make me...
♪ We're having a heat
wave, a tropical heat wave ♪
♪ The temperature's ris... ♪
Ow! Ooh.
Carmine!
Angel Face!
Sorry, it slipped out.
Oh, you poor devil, is there
anything we can do to help you?
Want a bite of marshmallow?
I don't want nothing from you.
It's your fault I'm here.
Who died and made
me the bad guy?
We all did.
You loaned me five dollars
from that stupid money
you stole from the
phone company.
Well, I took your dirty
money, Laverne, and I did...
I did dirty things with it.
Hey, Ragusa!
Quit your yapping
and start singing!
Off-key!
Right away, oh,
Foreman of the Forsaken.
Thanks a lot, Laverne.
♪ We're having a heat
wave, a tropical heat wave... ♪
Nice work, horn head.
Oh, Frank, look
who's here... Laverne.
Ohhh...
Your father's burning.
Are you happy?
What did I do?
He wanted a new pizza oven,
so you chipped in ten dollars.
Dirty money!
And all of a sudden, we
started making a fortune.
Dirty money!
We bought old rundown buildings,
we raised the rent, we became
slum lords, and we went
straight to the big basement.
And it's...
- all your fault!
- All your fault! -All your fault!
Oh, uh, pie man, we've
changed our mind again.
Instead of anchovies,
make that one large pie
with extra hair on it.
That's how we get
to spend eternity.
Every time we make a
pizza, he changes the order.
Thanks, Laverne.
Laverne, if you ever
get hungry... good!
It's not all my fault.
Is it?
Shirl, isn't it about time
for you to cheer me up
with one of your
little pep talks, huh?
Come on, show me
that there's a silver lining.
Tell me it ain't all that bad.
Huh, Shirl?
Not a chance, sister.
I happen to be one of
the Devil's Campfire Girls...
and it's all your fault.
It's all your fault.
- It's all your fault.
- No.
It's all your fault.
It's all your fault.
It's all your fault...
Not my fault...
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault... Laverne...
It's not my fault...
Wake up, you're
having a nightmare.
- Wake up. It's just...
- It's not... it's not my fault!
Okay, it's not your fault.
Shirl, quick, get dressed.
Get dressed. Get dressed.
We're going to take this
check back right away.
What do you mean?
To the phone company?
It's 5:00 a.m. in the morning.
They don't open until 8:00.
Okay, so what? Big deal.
We'll be the first on
line. Now, come on!
Okay, all... do you
think I should wear this?
Shirl, where are you going to
find a pair of pants big enough
to fit over that
big fat thing, huh?
Can I borrow a pair of yours?
It was a joke, really.
It was a joke. Aah,
I swear... aaah!
We have a little...
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
May I help you?
We got this check in the mail.
I kept it, we all went to
Hell, she gave it back,
and we all went to Heaven.
Uh, it's much nicer up
there, so here you go.
About your friend, I think
maybe her receiver's off the hook.
Oh, no... no, she's making
absolutely perfect sense.
- She is?
- Mm-hmm.
Two ding-dongs.
All right, thank you very much.
I'll put it in your
file and check it.
Thank you very much.
I'm so proud of you, Laverne.
It takes a big person to admit it
when they've made a mistake.
Yeah, I was wrong.
And that I was absolutely
right the entire time.
- You were absolutely right.
- The entire time.
The entire time.
Good, I'm glad to
see I've got you back
on the straight and narrow path.
I found a quarter.
I'm gonna turn it in
at the Lost and Found.
Don't you learn?
I swear.
Hey! Hey! Hey, you two,
come on back in here!
I'm sorry.
Here-here's your quarter.
You better keep
your crummy quarter,
you're going to need it.
What are we
going to need it for?
- I just checked your file.
- Yeah. -Yeah.
We don't owe you $56.
- No.
- No?
You owe us $56.
- What? -What?
- Yeah.
It seems there was a
long-distance phone call
for four hours, person
to person, to a Mrs...
Feeney, in California.
Four hours? Yappity, yappity...
Shirl, you're supposed
to call your mother collect.
Not on her birthday.
But for four hours?
Well, Laverne, I
wanted to feel as though
I was there at the party.
Admit it.
You blew it this time, Shirl.
Okay, all right, I admit it.
All right, girls,
here's your bill.
Want to pay me now? Or
do you want to pay me later?
Shirl, get out of here.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪