Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 3 - Fat City Holiday - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Okay, all right.



Yeah, yeah, yeah...
have a great vacation.

Yeah, enjoy the cake,

and remember,
bats are your friends.

- Happy Columbus Day.
- Happy Columbus Day. -Good-bye, girls.

Ooh, ooh, would you bring
us back souvenirs, please?

- Sure!
- Yeah, sure, they got petrified squirrels.

- No, I don't want...
- Shut up, shut up, you'll make her...

- Squirrel! Little squirrel!
- Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!

Well, this is a fine
"How do you do?"

Here it is Columbus Day,
the holiday of my people,

and we're stuck
here in Milwaukee.

Oh, quit complaining.
It's not so bad.

Yeah, it's easy for you to say.

If you're stuck here all
weekend, at least you've got

Carmine to keep you company.

Oh, pshaw, if Carmine
got to go on a vacation,

I'd be perfectly happy for him.

Speaking of the devil...

- Hey, angelface.
- Hi, sweetheart.

- Hey, Laverne.
- You're carrying a suitcase.

Yeah, I know, I just got a job.
I gotta leave for the weekend.

Well, Shirl is real
happy for you, Carmine.

Come on, Shirl, tell him
how happy you are for him.

Oh, Carmine, how
can you do this to me?

How could you go
away for three days?!

This is supposed to
be my holiday, too.

- What am I supposed to do?
- You got any suntan lotion?

Just gonna stare into
space and do nothing?

Coming right up.

I'm gonna be totally miserable
and all, you could take...

I'm sorry, of course, I
got carried away with joy.

Well, what kind
of a job is this?

"Shoot the rapids and learn to
dance with Carmine Ragusa."

Three days on a raft teaching
the women to hully-gully.

Three days on a raft?

Hullying and gullying?

With women?

- Old women.
- How old?

What difference does it
make? They'll be tied to the raft.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm just overreacting.

That's all. But Carmine,
if anyone should

happen to get fresh with
you, cut them loose, all right?

- I hear you, I hear you.
- Do you understand...?

I under... I know, I
hear you, all right.

- Okay, here's the suntan lotion.
- Oh, thanks.

And don't worry if it
turns you orange at first.

It'll peel off, and then you'll
turn a nice shade of gray.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, listen, uh... you
got any seasick pills?

Nah... use the bag.

Oh, okay, thanks.

Listen, uh... have a good time,

and I'll see you
in a couple days.

- All right, Carmine.
- Thanks, Laverne.

Bye-bye. Have a
wonderful, wonderful trip,

and I'll-I'll have a
wonderful time waiting

for you to come back.

We got to get out of this town.

Knew you'd change your tune.

Do we have any
money, any money at all?

Well, I got some in
my, uh, mink coat fund.

- No, you don't.
- What are you talking about?

I couldn't let you do that.

I took that money,
and I donated it

to the Save the Mink Foundation.

I've been saving for two years.

There was three dollars.

I was so close.

Aw, come on, you
know, there's still hope.

Here's the travel section,
maybe there's something here.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, hoo, hoo!

What, what, where, what?

Let's take a cruise to Alaska!

Aw, that's an awfully long
way to go to rub a nose, Shirl.

Yeah, well, what about Europe?

Oh, I've always
wanted to go to Europe...

Naw, it's too expensive.

Hold it, hold it, hold it,
there's the magic word.

- "Free." Read it... "free."
- Ooh, yes, yes.

Oh, I read it. I read it.

"Pounds of Gold Health Spa..."

"A free weekend of
holiday fun in the sun

in scenic Whitefish Valley."

- Scenic Whitefish Valley...
- Scenic Whitefish Valley...

- Mmm, mmm, mmm...
- Boy, would I love that.

Huh? What do you say?

Yes, wait a minute,
wait. There's more.

"Train to turn thick into thin
as a weight-loss counselor."

- So?
- "All applicants must observe

strict dietary regulations."

No, I knew this was
too good to be true.

What are you talking
about? It's perfect.

I don't want to be no
weight-loss counselor.

Well, either do I, but if we
go up there as trainees, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

- We spend three
days just - Yeah, yeah...

sitting around by the
pool, soaking up the sun,

and then at the
end of the weekend,

when they offer us the jobs,
we just say "Not interested."

Yeah, but what
about this strict diet?

I mean, we could starve
to death, you know?

Don't worry. We'll
bring our own goodies

from the four basic food groups.

Cookies, cakes,
candies and pies.

This way, follow me,
single file, this is the...

Single file, please!

This is the exercise room.

Oh, I'm sure you two girls will
just make wonderful counselors.

- Oh... well...
- You're so trim and so neat.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Latimer.

We owe it all to
diet and exercise.

And the fact that we're
too poor to overeat.

Ah!

Uh, well since you
showed us around the place,

- what do you say we take a little swim?
- I'd love...

Oh, no, girls, wait, I-I'm sure
you're not ready for that yet.

Oh, sure we are. I've been
dog-paddling since I was three.

Yes, and I did
excel at aqua ballet.

No, no, no, no, you
misunderstand me, no.

During your training period,
you will follow the same course

as the other Golden Pounders.

Excuse me?

- It's really quite simple.
- Yeah.

Our training mistress
will show you the ropes.

I'll just... I'll turn
you over to her, huh?

- Okay.
- Bambi?

- It'll be a snap...
- Ooh, that's a sweet name.

- Just like the little deer.
- Right.

She looks more
like a moose to me.

Bambi, I want you to
meet our new trainees,

- Laverne and Shirley.
- Hello, hi.

Oh, wonderful, very
pleased to meet you.

- Same here.
- Right back at you.

Well, I'll leave the
three of you alone.

You girls are in good hands.

All right, Golden
Pounders, all of you,

outside, quickly, quickly.

Single file, outside.

That's girls and boys,
hurry up. Single file.

Ah... uh, I'm Shirley,
and this is Laverne,

and I'm sure we'll all
be wonderful friends.

Mm-hmm.

Good arm, there.

I'm sorry, I don't
like roughhousing.

I was not playing.

I want you two out of here.

Why? What'd we do?

You applied for the same
jobs I promised my sisters.

Oh, well, I'm
certain your sisters

will have a chance to train.

Yeah, but right now
it's our chance, so...

If you insist on staying,

I'm going to make
your lives miserable.

Are you threatening us?

Yeah.

Okay. I just wanted to
know where we stand.

So then I can figure out
how much I got to hate you.

No, no, don't pick a fight here!

- Don't pick a fight with...
- Okay...

my little trainees,
the program begins.

Now, the first thing I must do
is search you for smuggled food.

Oh, well, I...

Sometimes I don't
digest my food too well.

- Do you have digestive problems, too?
- No.

Or is that just

an extraordinarily
large belly button?

Well, I have been
blessed with an outie.

That's a cheap excuse.

You're hiding food, and
you're too weak to admit it.

Weak? You're calling me weak?

Okay, I got Twinkies taped
to my tummy... take 'em.

Go ahead, they're
yours, they're yours.

Thank you.

Oh, that must have hurt!

Oh, I'm so...

The punishment for smuggling
food is one day without meals.

- Oh, well, la-di...
- Oh, I wonder what the punishment

- for a fat lip is!
- No, no, no, no, no, no...

Let's go home,
let's just go home.

- Let's just go home now. Come on...
- No! We're not...

If you insist on staying
here, I'm going to drive you,

I'm going to work you, I'm
going to run you into the ground.

You eat nothing.

And if that doesn't
work, I'll get tough.

♪♪

Oh... oh... My legs.

- Oh...
- My legs!

Oh, Shirl, you're
going to have...

Oh, Shirl, don't make
me take extra steps

in my condition.

Get in here, get in.

Get in, please.

Somehow I've gained 72 pounds!

Well, maybe you'd be
lighter if I got off your scale.

She's beating us, Shirl.

She's starving us. We
haven't eaten for 24 hours.

She's going to win.

Oh, bite your tongue.

If I bite it, I'll eat it.

I'll eat anything, I'm so...

Don't look at me
like that, please.

No... I smell food, Shirl.

Food? Where?

Right outside this door.

Shh-shh-shh!

Oh, get in here, get in here!
Give me that, give me that!

Oh, no, you don't!

Okay, where did you
get the banana, huh?!

Okay, you want me to
turn you over to Bambi

with that banana in your mouth?

All right, then talk! Talk!

Oh, won't talk? Huh?

Oh, oh! Okay.

I'm sorry. Sorry, I...

Dear me, I'm so sorry.

Laverne, are you okay?

No, I'm still hungry.

Where'd you get that food?

Okay. There's a
black market here.

They sell food.

I can send something
to you right now.

- Now, now!
- Go get it now, go get it now!

- Hurry up, hurry up!
- Right now, right now! Go get it!

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute, okay.

If you don't send somebody
back here, I'm going to have

this banana dusted for prints,

and I'm going to
turn it over to Bambi.

- No!
- You want that?

Okay.

- Go on... now!
- Go, go, go, go, go!

We did it, we did it, we did it!

- Oh!
- Let me smell it.

We did it, Shirl.

We outsmarted her,
we're going to get food...

Yeah, but
Laverne, think of it...

We're gonna buy
food from some seedy

underworld character, and
God knows what he's selling.

Probably spoiled
vegetables and runny cheese.

Hello...

I don't believe this, I don't...
you two are the black market?

Shh... actually Squiggy's
the black market.

I'm just the box boy.

How'd you know we were here?

Hah, hah, how did we know?

Tell her, Len.

We had no idea.

You're idiots. You
know that? You're idiots.

Guys...

- This is so stupid.
- Aw, it ain't that simple.

We come here about twice a year

to make a little extra cash
selling these people food.

- Uh-huh...
- It does my heart good when I look down

at their pudgy little faces,
and see the twinkle of joy

in their fat eyes.

The Italian salami
dangling from their mouths.

Ah... You two are despicable.

- Not even close.
- Ehh...

Get out of here and take
your dirty food and peddle it...

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

We got to go peddle
our dirty food elsewhere.

- Lenny!
- Go on.

- Now, Shirl...
- What? What?

Let's take a look-see
at their dirty food, okay?

All right...

But don't you think we ought
to discuss finances first, huh?

- Ah, well...
- Wait a second, wait a second, Lenny.

I mean, after all, they
are friends of the family.

- Yeah.
- Yes, we are.

Well, maybe if you ladies
are a little bit short of cash...

- Yeah?
- You could, uh, find it in your hearts

to repay us in other ways.

Oh, God...

Aw, no, aah! My good
curl, my good curl!

Let me see that.

Oh, no matter how jolly and
charming you fat people are,

when you're hungry,
you're dangerous.

Let me see the food!

All right, all right.

Okay, Len, show them the goods.

Now, we have a special
dented can sale today

on creamed corn in aisle five.

Food!

Business, girls, business.

Nobody move!

Thank goodness you arrived!

You got here just
in the nick of time.

I was strolling through
the fat farm when I saw

these people on
the floor smuggling.

But now that you're
here, I'm sure things

are well in hand, so I'll
be on my way... good-bye.

What do you think you're doing?

Just trying to get out
with my melons intact.

Do something, Len.

What?

Do something!

I'm not a leader.

Take them away.

Okay.

Please, don't leave
Lenny in the sun.

He'll spoil.

Well, you failed to get food.

Ready to go home?

Well, yes, as a matter
of fact, we're not.

All right...

this means only
one thing for you two.

The wrap!

Oh, no! Oh, no, not the wrap!

Oh, please, not the wrap,
anything but the wrap.

Oh, please, oh, please.

- Please!
- What's the wrap?

I don't know.

Oh, please... please...

Well, my little mummies...

Do you want to remain
in my herbal wrap

for the rest of your stay?

No, thank you.

Well, you're free to
leave anytime you wish.

You think you could just
wrap us up like mummies

and push us around?

Yes.

And you're doing
one darn heck of a job.

I'm not encouraging
her... Mmm...

Well, are you going to just
lie here and stand for this?

Oh, Laverne, don't eat the
gauze, for goodness sakes!

It's got herbs
in it, doesn't it?

Yes, but it's t... it's too...
it's just thoroughly disgusting!

- Well, what am I supposed to do?
- I don't know!

All our food's locked
up in the Golden Locker!

I know.

- The locker! The Golden Locker.
- The Golden Locker.

Yes, oh, brilliant!

Absolutely brilliant! Ohh...

Well, what are we
waiting for, huh?

Okay.

Are you up, Shirl?

No! Oh... I was hoping you were.

I'm not... thoroughly...

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
- Let's do...

- Well, let's try the old back-to-back.
- Back-to-back.

Wait a second... wait.

- All right...
- You there?

On three.

One... two... three...

Try it again.

- Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh... - Oh! - Okay.

One... two... three...

Let's head over to the locker.

Okay.

How are we going
to get the food?

I don't know.

It's just like you, isn't it?

To drag me all the way over here
with some cockamamie scheme

of yours and then not
know how to pull it off.

Don't start with me now,
Shirl, you know what I mean?

I'm not starting
with you, Laverne...

Don't worry, I'll think
of something, okay?

All right, well then, think.

Okay, I know.

Yes, yes! Oh... Give it to 'er!

That's good.

- You know what?
- What?

Maybe we could get into the
back of this thing, you know, some...

- Brilliant, Shirl, brilliant!
- Yes!

We could unscrew the
screws with our teeth.

Yes.

I love ya, I love ya, I love ya!

- I'm so...
- Okay.

On three.

One... two... three!

Timber!

- The top came off!
- Oh!

Oh, I can't believe it!

- Oh, this is wonderful!
- Don't go away!

Shirl?

What's wrong with you?

Come on, there's plenty
of food. Come on, eat up.

Let's see what's in here.

No Shirl, I ain't eating.

Did you hit your head on
that locker or something?

What do you mean,
you're not eating?

Shirl, we could have left
this place two days ago.

But we didn't. And why?

Because we didn't want
Bambi to think we were quitters.

- Yeah.
- That we could take anything

- that she could dish out, right?
- Yeah...

Well, if you eat
that... then we lose.

Aw, come on Laverne,
she hasn't been playing fair.

Why should we?

I know, but just
think about this.

Naw, you're right
Shirl, you're right.

She didn't play fair.
Here, you-you eat.

I want you to eat
everything. I just won't eat.

Here, go ahead, eat some more.

Here you go, eat it up.

Well, that's certainly
very noble of you, Laverne.

Well, sometimes I'm noble,
sometimes you're noble.

Oh, you know I hate it
when you're nobler than I am.

Oh, come on, admit it.
You know I'm not gonna eat

this food if you're
not gonna eat it.

I'm going to starve because
of your stubborn pride.

What are you gonna do?

Bye, little Twinkie.

Congratulations, Rollo,
that's a three-pound loss!

Way to go, Rollo!

We won't say anything
about your, you know...

Everybody, I want you to
meet our two new weight-loss

counselors, Laverne and Shirley.

Whoo!

Uh, Mrs. Latimer, I spent
the weekend with them,

and I don't think
they're the right type.

Uh, yeah, she's, uh, right.

Uh, we're not the type of people

who would starve
someone for three days.

Who did that?

They did lose weight.

I ate gauze.

Yes, and we're not
the type of people

who could bully someone around
who's smaller than themselves.

Well, who did that?

One must be firm.

And I also don't think
we're the type that would, uh,

wrap people up like mummies
and leave them on a board all night.

Who...?!

I was just doing my job.

Well, you do it crummy,
pardon my French.

That's not part of my program.

Well, it should be.

People come here to
improve their health,

not to jeopardize it.

Bambi, you're fired!

All right... I'll leave.

But if I ever see
you two again...

Hey, Bambi, don't forget this.

Ooh!

Well, I guess I've got two
new weight-loss counselors.

- Bravo!
- Please, please, please.

Aw, gee, uh, Mrs. Latimer, I
know that we must look like

a couple of pretty swell
cookies to you right now.

I mean, we must seem nice
and charming and sort of sweet

and kindly, and actually
we are, but, uh, well...

Well, she, uh, she
likes to talk a lot.

Uh, what's she's trying
to say is, uh, well...

we really didn't want the job.

Oh, dear, I'm
sorry to hear that.

I think you two would
have been great at it.

- Oh...
- Yeah, well, uh...

what we really came
up here for was, uh,

to get a... free vacation.

Oh, dear!

Well, I suppose I could
charge you for this weekend.

On the other hand,

you did tell me about Bambi,
and that helped a great deal.

So if there's ever
anything I can do for you...

Well, there is one
small, little thing.

Uh... could we borrow
the key to the locker?

- Yeah, oh, of course.
- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Bless you, lady.

Thank you, thank you.

Hurry.

Okay... Oh, oh!

Excuse us, we'll
only be a moment.

I'm telling you,
it was terrible!

Every time I stood up to teach
the cha-cha-cha, the captain

told me to sit down
and row-row-row.

No, that wasn't bad enough, no.

I got bit by a catfish, I
got bit by mosquitoes.

An old lady even bit
me on the thigh, look.

There... see? See that?

Look, I had to get shots.
Can I have the pickle?

- That's... mine!
- Ow!

Why does everybody
want to bite me?

You happy? You happy now?

If you hadn't argued
with the bus driver,

he... he wouldn't have
run over the luggage.

He said I was spitting!

I wasn't spitting!
That's the way I talk.

Yeah, I got something
you're going to like.

- What? What?
- Wait till you see this, it's a beauty.

That nice?

What about me?

Did you get me something?

Yeah. I-I...

Here, wait a minute.
Show her what you got.

- Try that. Here.
- Oh! Oh, Oh...

Look at those lovely little
rocks; they're so beautiful.

No, that was a petrified
squirrel that broke.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪