Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 5 - What Do You Do with a Drunken Sailor? - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

You know, after church, I
like a nice champagne brunch.



I happen to think that
that is très generous of you.

Yes, very generous.

Have you ever heard of
Red Devil Near Champagne?

Oh, yeah.

They give it away free

when you get a
lube and oil change.

Nothing's too good for
my family and friends.

I hope that's Bobby!

Oh, you hope it's Bobby.

- Hello?
- Is Shirley's brother in town?

Uh, yeah, he's supposed
to be due in this week.

He's on leave from the Navy.

Last time he was here, he
took me to the amusement park.

We went on the bumper
cars... and I almost got a tattoo.

You know, it only
costs five bucks

- to tattoo an "L" right here?
- Where?

On my little ring
finger, right here.

Okay. All right,
we'll be right there.

Okay, bye-bye.

Does Bobby want to see me?

No, no, that wasn't Bobby.

It was Barbara Tedesco.

- Barbara from high school?
- Yeah.

What'd she want?

Well, it seems Bobby's with her,

and she wants us to
come and pick him up.

She gave me an address.

She didn't explain nothing,
but you know Barbara,

never explain anything.

Yeah, well, what's he
doing with old chrome-dome?

Please... please
don't call her that.

Well, she ain't got
a hair on her head.

Well, Laverne, it's not
her fault she mistook Nair

for creme rinse, now is it?

Yeah, well, she
made it work for her.

She got the lead in The
King and I, didn't she?

Yeah.

No, it-it is the right
address, but, I mean...

Oh... boy, oh, boy,
isn't this beautiful?

I wonder where Bobby is?

Oh, maybe he's in
the little boys' room.

Look at all this pirate
stuff, Shirl, isn't it great?

Yoo-hoo. Yoo-hoo.

Bobby? Ouch!

Thar ya be, Jim boy.

Argh, argh, argh.

Well, don't you look stupid?

How can you say that?

What's the matter
with you, Shirl?

- You're no fun anymore.
- Oh, please.

Now, come on, jump up on my
shoulder and talk like a parrot.

Come on.

I will not.

Pretty bird, pretty
bird, I'm a pretty...

- Pretty bird, pretty bird.
- Ah, that sounded great, Shirl.

Now, come on, get on my
shoulder and ask for a cracker.

No, I won't.

I don't want to do that again.

Oh, all right, let's go.

Oh! Laverne and Shirley!

I'd recognize you two anywhere.

Still horsing around together.

- Yeah. Barbara?
- Barbara?

- Yeah. Hi!
- Hi.

Yeah, long... long time, no see.

Yeah.

Ow!

Oh, I was just checking.

Boy, your hair
grew back beautiful.

- Oh, thanks.
- Yes.

Well, I take it that you
work in this establishment.

Yeah, I'm head waitress.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Now, isn't that something?

My, but those uniforms
are awfully skimpy.

Oh...

Don't you find that men
are constantly pawing you?

That's my job.

You need any part-time help?

Uh... Barbara,
where's my brother?

Oh, he's up in the crow's nest.

- Making out?
- No, passing out.

And that makes four
nights in a row now.

I thought it was
about time I called you.

Four nights? Boy, he
must have a spare liver.

Well, you know how sailors
are when they're on leave.

They like to cut loose
and get a little tipsy.

One night is tipsy.

Four nights is drunk.

Thar she blows!

Is he in there?

Oh!

- Oh... Bobby.
- Whew!

Come on. Come on,
come on, come on.

- Oh, my sister.
- There you go.

- Oh, come on.
- Party's over.

Okay, say hi to your brother.

Oh, oh, okay. Here, hold that.

Oh...!

What a guy, what
a guy, what a guy.

Hey, knock it off.

Come on, grow up,
will you? Cut it out.

What's wrong with you?

You were supposed to call
me when you got right into town.

It's been four nights.

I had better things to do.

Get off my back, would you?

Come on, Bobby, I've
never seen you like this.

Come on, let's
get him out of here.

Come on, get out,
come on, get out.

Boy, am I glad
you've got a leave.

Have I missed you.

I missed you, too.

Say, you remember when
we were in high school

and-and you made
the basketball team,

you remember how
proud I was of you?

And remember when
you joined the Navy?

Remember how proud I was then?

And how I bust my buttons off
when you got your first stripe?

But I got to be honest
with you, Bobby,

I wasn't so proud
of you this morning.

This is kind of hard for me.

What are you trying to say?

I'm worried about your drinking.

It won't happen
again, I promise.

Really?

Yes.

I want to believe you, you know,

but I just remember all those
promises Daddy made to Mother.

You can believe
me. I'm telling you.

Besides, even if I
wanted to, I'm flat broke.

Not another drop.

Hey... now, would your
big brother lie to you?

No.

Okay.

- I love you.
- I love you.

You know what
this reminds me of?

What?

Remember when we
used to play ballerina?

Oh, I thought
you'd never ask me.

And pose.

La, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la.

La, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la... Big finish...

Da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da, da, da!

Good night.

Go to bed, you crazy ballerina.

Okay.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la...

No. No-no.

I'm sorry, Shirley.

Mrs. Babish, it's
after midnight.

I'm collecting for
the March of Dimes.

Oh, please, please.

Have a heart, will you?

Do you realize you woke
me up just as Elvis and I

were checking in to
the Heartbreak Hotel?

Oh, I'm sorry.

You should be.

Listen, the-the later
I go out, the better

because I get people when
they're too sleepy to remember

they already gave at the office.

Well, we're wide awake now,
so you'll just get your usual buck.

- Yeah.
- And maybe your brother Bobby

would like to contribute
to a worthy cause.

Oh, all right, I'll
wake... Oh, dear.

Well, he must be
in the bathroom.

- Nope.
- Oh.

Well, he probably
couldn't sleep,

probably went out for a walk.

I'll give for both of us.

Okay... wait a second.

There you are.

Wait a second.

I want to stuff it.

- My money's gone.
- What?

My money's gone.

Are you sure?

Maybe you spent it.

No, no, no, I
remember distinctly.

I had $12... a Lincoln, a
Lincoln and two Washingtons.

- I can't believe this.
- Maybe Bobby took it.

What do you mean,
maybe Bobby took it?

Why would my brother
take money from me?

To buy booze.

Would you please...
Not in front of...

Does Bobby have
a drinking problem?

- No. No, he doesn't.
- Yes.

- He does so.
- He does not.

He's been tanked ever
since he got to town.

Not ever since.

And besides, he promised me

he wasn't going
to drink anymore.

Promises, promises, promises.

Sounds like my third
husband, George,

the world's greatest promiser.

Oh, he'd make a lot of
them when he was sober,

and he'd break them
all when he was drunk.

Sound familiar to you, Shirl?

What did you do?

Well, I tried to get him to
join Alcoholics Anonymous,

but he'd never admit
he was an alcoholic.

I finally had to leave him.

I got to get back
to my collecting.

Well, thanks for waking us up.

I hope Mr. Estroph in
407 feels the same way.

Last year he set fire to my can.

Well, that was depressing.

Depressing?

She could have been
talking about Bobby.

Laverne, I don't want
to talk about this, okay?

Shirl, you've got
to talk about it.

- I don't want to.
- You got to talk about it.

Your brother's an alcoholic,
and you won't admit it.

And if you won't admit
it, then you can't help him.

I tried, Laverne, I tried,
but you don't understand.

It's not easy when
it's your own brother.

Oh, poor Shirl, it's not easy.

Well, life isn't easy, Shirl.

You want easy?

Okay, then just ignore
the whole thing and let him

drink his brains out
and wind up in the gutter!

No, I don't want
easy, I want to help.

Then say it!

My brother's an alcoholic.

Sorry I yelled at you, Shirl.

That's okay.

I know how hard it
was for you to say that.

That's step one.

Now, step two is
getting him to admit it.

I can't do that, Laverne.

- Yes, you can.
- No.

- No, I can't.
- Yes, you can.

- No, I really can't.
- You can, you can.

No, no, no, no.

♪ Just what makes
that little old ant ♪

♪ Think he can move
that rubber tree plant? ♪

Do you really think that
that applies in this situation?

It applies in any situation.

Bobby?

Bob... Bobby?

I don't see him.

Oh...

But I do see two officers
from the Fools Brigade.

Well, this is one of
their better getups, huh?

- Okay, let's ask them.
- Come on. Lenny?

What are you doing...?

Excuse me, lady, but we have
some business to discuss with,

uh, the General and
Captain Kangaroo here.

It's Admiral Kangaroo.
Admiral Kangaroo.

They're all yours,
ladies, but if I were you,

I'd hold out for
a roll of quarters.

She peeked in my socks.

No, no one would
peek in your socks.

- Get over here.
- Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on,
come on, look, I hate it

if I busted up anything,
but, uh, I-I need to know

if you two have seen my brother.

You bet.

Where? When?

Your house, about a year ago.

Yeah, a year ago, last...

Hold me back, Laverne.

Let me just get my...

Oh, I'm so glad you're here.

I was just calling you.

Bobby passed out
in the men's room.

- Oh! -There you go.
- I'll get him.

No, you won't, no, you won't!

Boys, you two, go
in there and get him.

Is that any way to
talk to a general?

Get him out, or I'll kill you.

Oh, military talk.

All right, all right,
I'll go with you,

but not because of any
idle threats of murder.

I simply want to find
out if my hat will float.

Freeze! This is a raid.

This establishment has
been declared off limits

to military personnel.

All right, move it out of here!

What are we gonna do?

Okay, you two, move it!

Uh, okay. Hi.

How you doing?

Any more military in here?

- No.
- No, no, no.

All gone, hours
ago, sailed away.

I'll just check the latrine.

Uh, no, no, hold
it. Uh, uh, is, uh,

this a Windsor
knot or a slipknot?

- Well, it didn't slip, now did it?
- What do you...

What do you think you're doing?

I think... I saw...

I think I saw a swabbie
in the crow's nest.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Do you have a plan?
What's your plan?

Keep the guys in
there, don't let them out.

What are we going
to do? What, what?

Shh, just calm down.
We'll distract him.

- Just start a fight.
- Are you crazy?

He'll beat the tar out of us!

Not with him, with me.

Oh, good idea.

There's nobody in there.

I'll go check the latrine.

Of course, there's nobody
in there, and you know why?

Because she just told me
that she took my husband

to her hotel room!

If you want your
man, well, then,

you'll just have
to fight for him!

Yah! Yah! Yah!

Officer, do something!

Stop them, they'll
kill each other!

That's that. Now
I'll check the latrine.

Hold me!

Come on!

Strawberry shortcake...
cream on top...

Ladies, can't we talk
about this seriously, huh?

- No!
- No!

My blade hath
ambitions of its own.

Oh, no, what have I done?

Take it out of me.

Just die.

Would you just die?

Oh, kind sir, I
can't bear to look.

Would you see if my
friend is still breathing?

All right.

Get him out of here!

Have you ever thought
of having shorter brothers?

Well, Bobby's almost
finished packing.

Did you know he's got tiny
little anchors on his underwear?

Well, it picked up my morning.

Ugh!

Shirl, we could pave
the alley with that stuff.

Shirl, Bobby's going to
leave, he's going to walk out

that door, and if you
don't tell him he's a drunk,

and he's got a problem,
you're going to hate yourself

for the rest of your life.

- Laverne, I know that.
- You know?

Mrs. Babish came down
with all these pamphlets

from Alcoholics Anonymous.

Yeah, what'd they say?

They all say the same thing.

They say that alcoholism isn't
just a problem, it's a disease.

And if an alcoholic's
going to get better,

then the first thing he has to
do is admit he's an alcoholic.

I've tried Laverne, you know.

I've tried with him but I...

Then try again.
Try harder, but try.

Don't stop trying,
Shirl, do something.

You can't give up on him
'cause that's what he's done.

If you give up on
him, too, Shirl...

then he ain't got a prayer.

Well, I'm done packing.

Time for this
sailor to shove off.

Well, then... I guess
this is good-bye, huh?

Good-bye.

No, no, just a second, I
want you to stay here with me.

Oh, no, I don't want
to stay here, Shirl.

No, I do, I need
you to stay here.

Oh, no, thank you.

- No, no...
- Yes, please, you're my best friend.

- Please...
- Please... Aw, gee, Shirl.

Well, Bobby, you
don't me to stay.

Stay, stay.

I'm staying.

Oh, look, Shirl, now, if this is
about the money that I borrowed,

it comes out of my next
paycheck, I promise.

Oh, no, no, I don't want to
hear any more promises, please.

I mean, just like
you promised me

you were going to stop drinking.

Are you getting on
me for that again?

You really sound like a
broken record, you know?

This is starting to
get personal, Shirl.

No, sit down, it's going
to be over in a minute.

No, no, it's not going
to be over in a minute.

It's not going to be over
until... until you admit

you have a problem.

Okay, I got a problem.

A drinking problem.

Fine. And I'm telling you,
you don't have to worry about it

because I can handle it.

Like Daddy handles
his drinking problem?

Now don't you
bring Daddy into this.

I don't drink like him.

I can take it or leave it.

You do, Bobby! You do!

You drink just like him.

And if you can take it or
leave it, I'm begging you,

please, please, leave it.

Okay, I will, I promise.

No, no, no!

No more promises!

I can't handle promises anymore.

It's just not going
to work this time!

What do you want from me?

I want you to
take this pamphlet,

and I want you to call
that number right there.

Where did you get this?

Mrs. Babish, uh, gave them to
me because, uh, her third husband

was an alcoholic so she
understands these things.

This is your idea of help?

Blabbing to your
friends and neighbors?

Who the hell do
you think you are?

Well, I thought I
was your sister!

Yeah, well I thought so, too.

Laverne, I think you
should leave now.

If you want me to.

There's just one
thing I want to say.

Oh, great, now are you
going to put your two cents in?

That's right.

Don't you ever talk
to her like that again.

Shirley has the biggest
heart in the whole wide world

and all she wants
to do is help people.

And ever since you got here,
she's been breaking her fanny

trying to help you,
and this is how you...

I don't like you, Bobby Feeney.

And I don't want you
in my house anymore.

Now, why don't you just
get out of here? Leave!

This is half Shirley's house,

and I can see her
whenever I want.

No, you can't.

Not any more you can't.

Because I can't
stand you lying to me,

and I can't stand
you lying to yourself.

I can't bear that
anymore, Bobby.

It just hurts me too much.

I don't want to see you again.

Shirley, I know
you don't mean this.

Hey... now, you show
me those Feeney dimples.

That's an order!

Hey... what a gal,
what a gal, what a gal!

Good-bye, Bobby.

What are we doing here?

Hello?

My name is Bobby
Feeney, and I'm an alcoholic.

"Dear Diary,

"Today I got a
letter from Bobby.

"He's back on base and
going to his A.A. meetings.

"It's rough, but he says he's
taking it one day at a time.

"He sent me my money back...

A Hamilton, a Washington,
and four quarters."

Good evening, Laverne.

Hi.

We have come to ask
permission to use your shower.

- Yeah.
- Oh, no. Oh, no.

And please don't ever let me
see you dressed this way again.

This is important, Laverne.

I'm done with my prewash,
I need a rinse cycle.

Why don't you use your own tub?

- Oh...
- Because our own tub has dirt in it.

Well, why don't you get
the dirt out of your tub?

- Not until the tomatoes are ripe.
- Of course not.

- Come on.
- Now, look,

there-there may be
something in it for you.

We'll give you, we'll give
you the cream of our harvest.

- How's that sound?
- That's what we'll do.

Ah, you really think you
could bribe me with tomatoes?

"Thanks to my guidance,

Laverne is establishing
a firm moral character."

We'll give you five bucks.

It's a deal.

- Here's a ten.
- Okay, and...

just don't use the...
don't use the towels,

don't use the soap, and keep
your shoes on the whole time.

We always do.

"However, there is still

a small amount of
work to be done."

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪