Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 1 - Shotgun Wedding: Part 2 - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

On "Happy Days" part one,
Laverne and Shirley went off



to Lake Pinewood but
had no place to stay.

You see, Fonzie and
Richie had been injured

by a bull while running
from Farmer Bumpergard.

They really needed
angels of mercy.

I'll have this
fixed up in a jiffy.

She thinks she's
Florence Nightingale.

Girls, girls, girls,
girls, girls, girls, girls!

In exchange for
first aid, Fonzie found

Laverne and Shirley
a place to stay.

He and Richie were anxious
to get back to the gorgeous

Bumpergard sisters.

That's just about far enough!

Fonzie... please
tell me you said that.

Well, I'd love to,
Rich, but I can't.

As expected, Farmer
Bumpergard took it well.

You soiled my daughters.

Do you know what that means?

Fonzie thought fast.

We are engaged.

To who?

I am betrothed... to
one Laverne DeFazio.

Yeah, and, uh, right,
uh, Shirley Feeney...

You move, young fella.
If you ain't back here

in one hour, your friend'll
have more holes in him

than Swiss cheese.

Richie ran fast.

Fonzie's life was
at Richie's feet.

He raced to find
Laverne and Shirley,

who were just moving in
to their luxurious quarters...

93, 94, 95, 96, 97,
98, 99, a hundred.

No, there must be some mistake.

No, Roscoe's Wigwams.
Ooh, I love these little tents.

Oh, uh, put it down
there, Carmine.

Put it down, just put it down.

All right. There's your luggage.

Now, give me something
to eat now, will you?

Give me a sandwich or something.

- Ah, ah... okay.
- Maybe a little...

Okay! First things
first, all right?

All right.

We still need the sleeping bags.

- Okay, but then can I eat, huh, please?
- Mmm-hmm...

- Sure, you can eat your face off.
- They're in the car.

I hope it don't
come down to that.

Boy... Fonzie really came
through for us this time, huh?

Yeah... Our very
own Indian village.

Whoop... say "teepee."

Teepee.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, come on!

- Well, it's not...
- I can't hold it forever.

- I'm sorry!
- All right?!

I do hope this is
imitation buffalo hide.

I, I, I just could never
sleep in a dead buffalo.

Oh, I don't think
you have to worry.

"Made in Taiwan."

Oh-oh... the Taiwan Indians.

It's the same tribe
that made our toaster.

Oh... gosh... Oh,
isn't this adorable?

Huh?

- This is it?
- Huh?

Let's get out of here.

Oh, Frank, come on.

It's so romantic.

Yeah, this is our campground.

Okay... come on.

Where do we really sleep?

- Right here.
- Here?

There are three teepees.

One for the men,
one for the women,

and one for Lenny and Squiggy.

The women are here...
Huh, do you like it?

They got no shower. I hate it.

It's cute.

They got no T.V. I hate it.

Frank, it's roughing
it. It'll be fun.

They got no toilet.

I hate it.

Oh, come on, where's
your sense of daring do?

Be happy campers, happy campers!

No toilet? No toilet?

Fonzie didn't say
anything about no toilet.

Look, we're only
here for two days.

We'll go... we'll
go... we'll wait.

I'm too old to wait, I'm going!

- Oh, now, come on!
- No, no, no!

Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!

Okay, hold it, everybody.

Smile.

There you go.

Pop, Pop, listen to me.

- Why don't you go fishing? You like that.
- Yeah.

And then I'll come down

and take a picture with
you and the big mouth.

I beg your pardon?

No, the bass...
the big mouth bass.

Not your big... uh...

Well, I'm going to go...

No, uh, Mr. DeFazio... now,
I've been meaning to talk to you

about this barbaric
sport of fishing.

Wouldn't it be a lot more
fun to go down to the lake

and just skip stones across?

Only if I can hit a fish.

I'll go with you, Frank.

Oh, nice hat... nice hat...

Uh, kiss a worm for luck!

- Okay, come on, Carmine.
- Put it down there.

- That's it, thank you.
- Thank you, darling. -All right.

- Time to eat my face off.
- Thank you very much.

- Oh, okay.
- Gimme...

Oh, Shirley made your favorite.

Spam and cheese on pumpernickel,
Spam and cheese on pumpernickel.

And won't that go great washed
down with an ice cold beer?

Where's the beer?

In the ice chest.

Where's the ice chest?

- In the car. -In the car.
- In the car.

Why do I feel like Gunga Din?

You know, he's so
good to you, Shirl.

Know what you
ought to do tonight?

He really is. What's that?

After everyone goes to
sleep, why don't you sneak out

of the tent and go for a little
walk in the woods with him?

- You know?
- Ooh, ooh!

Slippery. Be careful.

- I like that, a little more romance, huh?
- Yeah...

And then he can protect
me from all the ugly things

that go creep in the night.

Hello!

Okay, hello.

Uh, hello, yourselves.

Uh, you sleep over there.

We leave in two
days, don't bother us...

- Okay, okay, okay.
- All right, well,

then you women best
stay behind with the women.

- Right.
- Me and Lenny,

we's going out to bag
us some wild ducks.

Let me at 'em.

Hunting, fishing! All
my friends are killers!

- Easy!
- Killers!

- Killers!
- Calm down!

- Would you listen to me?
- I didn't do anything.

- What? Yeah. What?
- Think about this, Shirl.

Who's smarter?

Them or the ducks?

The same thought
crossed our minds, didn't it?

That's why we brought
with us the great equalizer.

Mmm, yes. What young,
red-blooded ducklet could resist

the sound of his mate's
call, coming from this?

Lenny, man your duck.

I got something for you,
got something for you.

Say "idiots."

- Idiots.
- Idiots.

So help me, if you harm one
tiny pinfeather on the head

of one little duck, I will...

Will you calm yourself, Shirl?

Listen, don't
worry about a thing.

We're not going to
hurt them or nothing.

All we're going to do is
going to shoot to stun.

That's right.

The way we look at it,
what good is a bunch

of dead ducks going to
do us when we're trying

to open up our own duck circus?

How about that? The
greatest show on webbed feet.

We're even... we're-we're even
going to have a duckie sideshow.

- Uh-huh...
- Right now we're

looking for a
half-duck, half-goose.

Oh, I'd give anything
to see a bearded duck.

Oh, yeah, dream on, yeah.

We'll be lucky to find a
duck with a moustache.

Yeah.

See you later.

I can't believe them.

- But... but...
- Pretend they don't exist.

- Okay, put them out of your mind.
- But they took our lunch.

Wait a minute.

Wait just a moment, please.

Oh, one where you're angry.

I-I apologized.

If I apologized once, I
apologized a thousand times.

I took us to where I
thought the lake was.

I took us to damp ground.

You took us to a septic tank.

Well, you shouldn't complain.

You took a lot
of lovely pictures.

Yeah, well, everything
was real green around there.

I'll have to admit that.
Here, take the oars.

- Go put that away for me.
- Oh, sure...

You just take pictures.

♪ Oh, beautiful, for... ♪

- Laverne!
- Richie!

What are you...?!

Hey, Richie
Cunningham's here! Shirl?

What are you doing here?

I'm glad you found the
place we told you about.

- Yeah.
- There's no toilets.

- But it's all right.
- Yeah...

All right, all right, listen.

- What?
- Fonzie... is in big trouble.

- I can't believe you're here.
- You see, the Bumpergard...

- I just can't believe you...
- The farmer with the shot...

You guys are something else.

- I just can't believe...
- Please!

Smile.

Marry me.

Well, well, well, well, well...

All right, then you marry me.

Well, well, well, well, well...

Girls, somebody
has got to marry me!

- Uh-oh...
- Are you in trouble?

No, no, I'm not...

Yeah, I am, but Fonzie
is really the one...

- All right, calm down.
- You see, we... the cow act.

You see, that didn't work.
The cow act didn't work.

Hold on, hold on!

So we had this...

Fonzie had a... And
then he said FBI.

- No, you're moving at me, you're moving...
- The FBI...

Go get a cold compress,
a cold compress.

- To calm him down.
- We were doing great.

We had Inga, we had
Hilda up in the upper loft.

Okay. Come on. Calm down.

But then a Tupperware
salesman comes running through...

- What Tupperware salesman?
- And he was...

You girls live in a rough world.

Whatever happened
to my cold compress?

Here.

- Ahh...
- Better?

Okay. Now, why are you here?

- Calmly... calmly.
- Right.

- Me and the Fonz...
- Yeah.

- Yeah? -Mm-hmm.
- Are in big trouble.

Uh, what kind of trouble?

- A crazy man...
- Yeah.

- Has a gun on Fonzie.
- Yeah?

He's going to make us
marry his daughters unless

you two pretend
to be our fiancées.

Now-now, will you do it?

- Uh... sure.
- Yeah.

- On one condition.
- What?

One picture with
the fish on your head.

Well, I'll be darned.

There is a farm.

And on this farm,
they've got the Fonz.

E-yi-e-yi-oh... Shh!

- Stop it, please.
- Boost us up.

- Let's go.
- Boost us up... come on.

Watch your hands, Cunningham!

Okay... okay... okay Smile.

Ooh, an action shot.

No, he moved, he moved.

Listen, listen... we've
got to be very careful

- not to say the wrong thing.
- Oh, no. -No, no...

One slip-up, and
Fonzie's a goner.

Okay, yeah, why don't you
two pretend to be fiancés?

Yes.

- Sounds good.
- All right, all right...

Please say the right thing.

Yes, the guy's
got a gun, Laverne.

Yo Fonzie, it's me,
Laverne, your one and only!

I can't believe it.
Look at him, huh?

Oh, boy, the Fonz
on a donkey, huh?

Oh!

Uh, Fonz, wh-why
are you on a donkey?

I got tired of riding the pig.

Darn, I missed him on the pig.

Give me a kiss...
come on, give me a kiss.

Fickle... very, very fickle.

Sven, come get the donkey.

Yeah, and, uh, Sven, give
her an extra bale of hay,

and that's from the, uh, Fonz.

Yes, I hope you're
kinder to that donkey

than you have
been to our fiancés.

Right, that's, uh, that's us.

Yeah, uh, I'm his, and he's
hers, and we'll be going now.

- Hold it!
- Hold it!

I knew there'd be a "hold it."

Papa, Papa, you can't let
these girls marry our men.

Yah, we talked it
over, and we're willing

to fight for 'em.

Well, we'll just have
to have a fight then,

like in the old days.

Oh, that's okay, this
will just take a minute.

Hey, hey, secure yourself,
secure yourself, huh?

Why don't... why don't we
just fight this man to man?

I'll have my hands tied,
I'll be blindfolded, too.

Yeah, blindfolded, that's
good. Yeah, man to man.

This is just among
the women-folk.

Now... we up here have, uh,
three ways of handling this.

Mmm-hmm.

You can have an axe fight...

You know, just two weeks
ago, I would have jumped

at an axe fight... but,
uh, I gave it up for Lent.

What are the other two choices?

Pig-skinning.

I do hope I misunderstood you.

I do hope that
was "pig-spinning."

And even that I would
consider a little cruel.

Well, the only other choice
is, uh, square dancing.

What kind of a monster are you?

- Well...
- Yeah, we'll take that.

- We'll do-si-do - Why?

- Circles around them.
- Oh.

Helga, Inga, go get
the fiddler and the caller

- and round up all your cousins.
- Yah, Pa...

Okay, Papa.

We're going to have a
hoe-down showdown.

Well, I'm ready.
Come on, let's go.

Square them up!

Well, okay, all right.

Hello, how do you do?

Let the hoe-down showdown begin.

Ya-hoo!

♪ First couple
center of the ring ♪

♪ Second couple same old thing ♪

♪ Third couple don't be slow ♪

♪ Fourth couple
stomp on their toe ♪

♪ Allemande left
with your left hand ♪

♪ Right to your partner,
right and left grand ♪

♪ Hit her on the head
and rosin up the bow ♪

♪ Meet your partner
with a do-si-do... ♪

They hit me in the head!

♪ Now, bow to your
partner, and let's all dance ♪

♪ Hand over hand, then
kick her in the pants ♪

- Oh! Ow!
- ♪ Round and round and again we go ♪

♪ Meet your partner in
the middle of the show ♪

I'm trying to go around here.

♪ Ladies center with
a two hand swing ♪

♪ Round and round
with the pretty little thing ♪

♪ Second ladies swing
and whirl round and around ♪

♪ Now choke that girl ♪

♪ Swing your partner,
swing her hard ♪

♪ Go round and around,
then give her a toss ♪

Oh!

♪ Now ladies center
with a hoot and a holler ♪

♪ Hit her on the head,
gonna make her smaller... ♪

Yeow! That hurt!

♪ Heel and toe while
I make this quick ♪

♪ Now chickachicka
pow pow, give her a kick ♪

♪ Loosen up, let's
don't be tense ♪

- ♪ Toss these girls
over the fence ♪ -Oh, no.

Fonz, this is not looking good.

I mean, uh, I
think they're losing.

Hey, there's an old saying
in the neighborhood...

"The bullfight ain't over
till the matador spits."

Oh, well that's good.

I don't know what
that means, Fonz.

Trust me. Watch the fight.

Are you getting the
hang of this dance?

I think so...

You know what we got to do.

- You know the old saying.
- What's that?

"The bullfight ain't over
till the matador spits."

I don't remember that.

Trust me on it, okay?

Second verse same as the first!

♪ Ladies center,
square your sets ♪

♪ Do-si-do and away we go ♪

♪ Kick your feet
up off that ground ♪

♪ Swing your partner
round and around ♪

♪ Promenade around off the
floor take your honey out the door ♪

Oh! Oh!

♪ Back to the
center, places all ♪

♪ Now the hub backs
out, the rim goes in ♪

♪ Take her right along
for a wagon wheel spin ♪

♪ Now chicken in the
bread pan pickin' out dough ♪

♪ Well, a hot-foot
stomp and a ho-ho-ho ♪

♪ Step and slide, side by side ♪

♪ Ladies center,
back to the bar ♪

♪ Grab that girl,
shoot that star ♪

♪ Now dance along to
the rhythm and the rhyme ♪

♪ Kick and stomp,
but stay in time ♪

♪♪

We did it! We did it! We won!

Thank goodness! Oh!

How exciting!

Hey, that was great.

Th-That aqua
ballet really paid off.

- Huh?
- Laverne?

- Yeah?
- Laverne...

- What?
- You fought dirty.

- Sorry.
- I loved it.

Come on, let's go.

Just a minute...

Oh, "yust a minute"
yourself, farmface.

Look, we won this
dance fair and square.

So we are now taking
our fiancés and getting

out of here, come on.

I'm doing you girls a favor.

The longer these
boys remain unhitched,

the more time they
got to fool around

with the likes of my daughters.

Oh, don't worry about
that... In two weeks,

why, we'll all be married.

Yeah, and they'll be
fooling around with us.

Well, I don't want these
boys playing you for suckers,

so I sent for the preacher.

Huh?

You four are going to
be married this afternoon.

- Huh?
- What?

Lovely day for a wedding.

Okay, where are the women?

Let's have us some
brides out here.

Strike up the music.

Oh, Shirl, you're all misty.

We're getting married with
handkerchiefs on our heads.

Of course, I'm misty.

How can you be so cheerful?

Thinking about the honeymoon.

You know, I mean, Fonzie's
real sexy, and he's Italian.

And just think about it, Shirl,

I'll never have to put
another dime in a jukebox.

Well, Richie is a college man.

And he probably
keeps his room very tidy.

What about Carmine?

Oh, he'll understand.

And I'll explain
things to Lori Beth.

She'll like that.

Dearly beloved, we
are gathered here today

to join these souls
in holy matrimony.

Shirley, if our first baby is a
girl, can we name her Lori Beth?

Richie, could we possibly
talk about this some other time?

Psst!

Are they going to
call me Mrs. Fonzie?

Are you kidding?

They're going to
call you the Fonzess.

Royalty...

If anyone here
knows just cause why

these people should not be wed,

speak now or forever
hold your peace.

Yah!

Shush!

Do you, Richie and Fonzie,
take Laverne and Shirley

to be your
lawfully-wedded wives?

To have and to hold
till death do you part?

I do.

- Me, too.
- And, uh...

do you, Laverne and
Shirley, uh, take, uh, Richie

and Fonzie to be your
lawfully-wedded husbands...

- I do!
- To have and to...

To have and to hold
from this day forward,

in sickness and in
health, for richer or poorer,

- till death us do part...
- Just say "I do."

I do, I do, I do.

By virtue of the authority
vested in me by the State

of Wisconsin, I now
pronounce you man and...

Man and duck?

We're just... just
in the nick of time.

- What are you doing here?
- What do you mean, what are...?

Trying and save us?!

We followed you here.

All right, what is it? Who
are you? What happened?

What you doing here?

We got a wedding
here that ain't finished.

Hey, you want to
know why I'm here?

I'll tell you why I'm here.

I'm her father. And
she don't get married

to anybody unless I say so!

And she don't get married
to nobody unless I say so!

That's right, Carmine.

Oh, Carmine, you're so forceful.

Yabber, yabber, yabber...
I don't have to listen

to no old man, no
yerk in a leather yacket

or two tricky bimbos.

- Bimbos?
- Hold it, hold it!

Laverne, Laverne...

Come here, come here,
come here, come h...

Come here, come
here, come here...

First of all, I got to tell you

I'm getting very
tired of being polite.

Second of all, I got to tell
you that this wedding is over,

fini, zero, kaput.

What are you
going to do about it?

Your hands are still tied.

Do tell...

Third of all, I'll take the
gun... put it on the ground,

and I'll step on
it! Don't you dare!

Get over here. Now look...

I put up with you a long time.

You know what I
mean there, cowlips?

You might be very good
with raising alfalfa and corn,

and wheat, you know?

But you don't harvest daughters.

You can't pen
them in like sheep.

They're going to
run away from you.

- My daughters run away?
- Yeah.

- What can I do?
- I'll tell you what you can do,

you can introduce
yourself very politely

to this gentleman over here.

He'll tell you how
to raise a daughter.

He yells a lot, but at
least he trusts Laverne.

I can trust my daughters?

Knock your socks off.

Thank you, Mr. Leather Yacket.

You see that? I
can talk country.

Th-That's terrific, Fonz.

Look, I don't want to
ruin a great moment,

- but do you think we could go on home?
- Yeah.

I mean, I've got rope burns,
we almost got married...

Mom's going to kill
me if I don't get there

in time for dinner.

Great! Dinner at
the Cunninghams!

All right, all right,
get over here! Hold it!

Wait just a minute here.

Yeah, I'm getting
pretty ticked off here.

Tell 'em, Shirl.

Well, so far we have spent
most of our vacation at gunpoint...

And we were gypped
out of our wedding.

Not to mention our
wedding shower.

And well, we just don't want
to leave here empty-handed.

- That's right.
- All right girls, what do you want?

Tell him.

We want a wedding picture.

Well, you got it, everybody
in formation, let's go.

Let's go!

Here, hop on the bales.

Okay.

Okay, everybody
line up, line up.

Look nice.

Okay, everybody, smile.

This is dumb...

They ain't smiling, Fonz.

She said... "smile."

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪