Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 24 - Shirley and the Older Man - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Okay, I cleaned up
the bedroom, Shirl.

Now I got to get going.

Wait a minute here.

Hold on.

You mean to tell me

all these dishes were
underneath your bed?

And you wonder why

we've been eating
off of paper towels

for the past two months?

Come on, Laverne. Wash
these before Monroe gets here.

They're yours.

Shirl, you told me to clean
the bedroom, and I did.

Now the mess is in the
living room. That's your job.

Oh. I'm going to miss my bus.

Oh, Laverne, come on.

Don't worry. I'll call
you from Chicago

as soon as my cousin
Valerie has her baby.

Oh, no, don't call from Chicago.

It's too darn expensive.

Oh, don't worry.
I'll use the signals.

I'll ring once if it's a
boy, twice if it's a girl,

three times if it's twin boys,

and four times
if it's twin girls.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What if I answer too early?

Then you're paying for the call.

Have a good time.

Once if it's a boy,
twice if it's a girl,

three times if it's twins...

Well, well, well,
isn't this interesting.

Sooner or later, Jell-O
does harden, doesn't it?

Oh. Just a minute.

Just a minute, please.

Oh, boy. This is...

Just a minute.
I'll be right there.

Oh.

I'll think about it later.

Oh, hi, Mrs. B. Hi.

Shirley, these were
delivered to my apartment,

but they're for you.

Oh, thank...

I'd have kept them, but, uh,
I'm such an honest person.

Oh... And roses give me hives.

Oh, well... thank you.

Thank you very much.

Aren't they beautiful?

Oh, what is it?

"To mon cherry."

I think that's "mon cherie."

Oh, Portuguese.

A romance language.

Oh.

"Thank you for an unforgettable
evening and a lovely dinner.

Warmest regards, Monroe."

Oh, that's so sweet.

Monroe Twilley,
the butcher's helper

who always has meat
under his fingernails?

No, not Monroe Twilley.

Why would I date Monroe Twilley?

Well, you dated Vince Garafolo,

who wipes the sweat off
the horses at the pony ride.

All right.

All right, so his hands
were a little sticky. So what?

At least it was an
honest living, wasn't it?

And this happens to
be Monroe Harrison.

Monroe Harrison?

Yes, Monroe Harrison,
and we met at the park

while he was feeding the swans,

and I was consoling
an ugly duckling.

We became instant friends.

You mean Monroe Harrison
of the Harrison National Bank?

Mm-hmm.

He's so rich. I know.

And he's so distinguished.

I know.

And he's so old.

Well, he's not that old,

and he happens to be
very young for his age.

And besides, we're just friends.

And guess where my
friend is taking me tonight?

Where is your friend
taking you tonight?

To the opera is all!

Opera?! Oh, yes!

Oh, that's wonderful. I know.

Have a wonderful time.
I got to go. Thank you.

Thank you. Okay. See you later.

And listen, if you happen to
want the rest of your flowers,

they're up in my apartment.

Wait a minute.

You kept some of my flowers?

Well, it's only the
roses that give me hives.

Oh.

Oh.

That's all right.

She can keep the flowers.

I'll just knock off five dollars
from the rent, that's all.

Roses.

So fragrant.

So beautiful.

So fragile.

Ouch! Ouch!

You vicious vegetable.

How dare you do that to me?!

Oh!

Just a moment.

Oh!

Good evening, Shirley.

Hi, Monroe.

Oh!

Oh, Monroe, Monroe!

More flowers. You
shouldn't have...

Well, I almost didn't.

Some lady in the hall
tried to grab them from me.

Mrs. Babish.

Look, next time she tries that,

just shake a rose
in her face, okay?

She's highly allergic.

Oh, they smell just
like bathroom freshener.

They're so beautiful!

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I must say that
you and Laverne

have a lovely place here.

Oh, why, thank you, Monroe.

You wouldn't believe
the rent we pay,

but we think it's
worth the extra money.

Oh! Oh.

Nevertheless, it
reflects good taste.

Thank you.

Oh, and this must
be Boobie Kitty.

No, that-that...
that's Boo Boo Kitty.

Boo Boo Kitty.

Boo Boo Kitty. Boo Boo
Kitty, say hello. Hello.

Hello! Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Good-bye.

Good-bye. Good-bye. Go
away, go away, go away.

Wait a minute.
Go away right now!

Go! Go! Go! Yeah, wait
a minute, not so fast.

We come to bring you
this once-in-a-lifetime offer.

And if, uh, your
granddaddy over there...

This is not my granddaddy.

This happens to be my date. Mm.

Ooh!

Think maybe the old fogeys' home
is throwing a support sock hop?

I think so.

Shut up!

Monroe is not an old fogey.

He happens to be a... a...

What is that term
that you use, Monroe?

I use "mature gentleman." Yes.

- So does my mother.
- Get out of here!

Will you just get out of here?

Wait a second. Wait a
second. Wait, wait, wait.

Wait a minute. We
ain't going no place

until you hear our
latest brainstorm.

This happens to be the
greatest international chain letter

in all the free world and
parts of Cane-ada, Ca-nada.

Connecticut. Connecticut.

Oh! You know these
things never work.

I got one last year.

I was supposed
to receive $1,000,

and all I got were two
obscene postcards.

Oh, good, you got 'em.

Instead of you sending
money in the mail,

or letters or something,
instead, you send clothing.

Then, at the end of six weeks,

you got so many
clothings piled up,

you never have to go to
the Laundromat ever again.

Once again, necessity
is the mother of invention.

So's my father.

We're just not interested,
so would you scoot along?

Scoot it... All
right, all right.

But I still think you
should think about it,

'cause if you break this chain,

there could be a
curse on your head,

so your children would
be born without no clothes.

Ooh!

Oh.

I don't really know them at all.

Interesting place. Yes.

You've got ladies
who steal flowers,

men who mail underwear.

Yes.

Some very strange
people live here.

Well, no, no, we have
some normal people, too,

like the guy up in 3-C.

No, no, he wouldn't count.

He usually puts a tail
on and chases cars.

Did you have a
good time tonight?

Oh, yes, I did,
Monroe. Thank you.

To be perfectly honest,
it's the very first time

I've seen an orchestra
made up entirely of midgets.

No, No, Shirley.

Shirley, they were
full-grown men.

They were sitting
in the orchestra pit.

Oh.

Oh, they were...
And they were down...

Oh, silly me. Ha, ha.

Silly me. Silly me.

No. I feel so foolish.

No, not foolish, just innocent.

Oh. Gee, Monroe, isn't it
great we can be friends,

and we're so different?

I mean, you're a
captain of industry,

and I'm a captain
of a bowling team.

And you know so
much about the opera,

and I can't tell the
players without a program.

And you're so
sophisticated, and...

Well, we do have that in common.

I mean, you know, Monroe,
I'm not exactly your type.

Oh.

But that's why I like you.

You know, all my friends
are so wealthy and worldly

and boring.

Nothing excites them.

But you got excited

when I bought you an
orange drink at the opera.

Well, I've never
had an orange drink

that cost a dollar
before, you know.

You've never had or
done a lot of things.

That's why I think
you're something special.

Oh, Monroe.

Why, only last night,

I was talking to my
daughter about you.

You were talking to
your daughter about me?

Yes. Oh.

And you know, she's very
anxious to meet you. Really?

As a matter of fact,

why don't you be our
guest for dinner tomorrow?

Oh, Monroe, I would
love to. Thank you.

And right after dinner,

I'll tuck your little
daughter in bed,

and I'll-I'll read
her a bedtime story

like The Pokey Little Puppy.

No, no, no, no,
Shirley, Shirley,

my daughter is 30 years old.

Well, then, she's
probably allowed

to stay up as long as she wants.

Yes.

Excuse me. Would you?

Who could that be?

Hmm.

Who is it?

How quick they forget!

Oh, Carmine, you
didn't knock your knock.

Yeah, well, forget my knock.

I got to talk to you.

Mrs. B. told me you
were going out with

some decrepit old geezer.

Please!

Uh, Monroe Harrison,

I would like you to
meet Carmine Ragusa.

Carmine, this is
Monroe Harrison.

Monroe, I told you
about Carmine...

How do you do?

Well, that's just fine,

because he's what I
want to talk to you about.

Don't do this. How do you do?

Listen, Shirl... You know, I
used to call her angel face.

Get him out of here. Get the guy
out. Listen, would you please...?

Get him out of your apartment! I
want him out! Young man! Young man!

Obviously, you two have to talk,

so I think I'll just
go on my way.

Oh, Monroe... I'll
see you soon, Shirley.

Oh, Monroe, I'm so sorry.

He must be the one
who chases cars.

Good night.

Good night.

Thank you.

Well, I do hope

you have a darn good explanation

for this little
display of yours!

Yeah, I do. I'm mad.

Is that the best you can do?

Oh, that's not good enough, huh?

Well, how about this?

No, my... No.

I am mad!

Well, I'm impressed!

You're quite a
fella, aren't you?

Why don't you just run outside
and slap around some shrubbery?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Listen, you're seeing
too much of that old guy.

You're going out with
me tomorrow night.

Hmm.

Carmine, I can't.

I'm going to have
dinner at Monroe's house.

Oh, dinner at Monroe's house!

Is his nurse going
to be there, too?

Well, well, well, I do
believe you're a bit upset

because Monroe happens to
be a mature older gentleman.

Yeah, well, just forget
why I'm upset, little girl.

You got a lot of thinking to do.

It's either him or me!

Oh, come on, Carmine.

You can't make me
make that decision.

That's so unfair.

And besides, Monroe and
I are just friends anyway.

Carmine!

Lord.

Look at this.

Oh, Lord, what am I going to do?

Give me a sign, please.

Thank you.

What does it mean?

Donald. Madam.

When is Miss Feeney expected?

Well, as you instructed me,

I told her that dinner
would be at 6:00.

Your father, of course,
won't be home until 7:00.

Good, Donald.

It isn't easy being rich.

I wouldn't know, madam.

Well, take my word for it.

Hmm.

Everyone's always
after your money.

Mm... And this
little Feeney person,

I'm sure, is after Daddy's.

Mm... But if my plan works,

she'll show her true colors

and Daddy will send her packing.

Fiendish, madam.

Thank you, Donald.

Oh, you know what to do.

Yes, ma'am.

Mother Harrison,
you look very pretty.

Now, you behave yourself tonight

or you're going
right back upstairs.

Presenting Miss Shirley Feeney.

Oh, this is beautiful.

Okay, all right, okay.

Could you just scoot
over there a little bit?

'Cause Laverne would kill me

if I didn't get a picture
of you in the lobby.

Okay, right there,
right there, okay.

Cheese.

Okay, delightful.

Thank you, you can put that in
the cloakroom along with those.

Yes, ma'am.

Hello, I'm Shirley.

It's an honor to make
your acquaintance.

Well, the honor is ours, dear.

Oh, thank you.

I'm Adele.

Uh-huh. And this
is Monroe's mother.

Oh. You may call
her Mother Harrison.

How do you do, Mother Harrison?

It's a pleasure to meet you.

And may I say that you have
an absolutely marvelous family?

They keep me in a closet.

"They keep me in a closet"?

"They k..."

No, of course not.

Of course not, no.

It's just a little
game she plays.

Oh, I get it.

No more games, Mother Harrison,

or I'm going to
pinch you really hard.

Oh, but come, let's sit down.

All right.

Dinner will be served soon. Oh.

Isn't this a thrifty idea,

to save the tins after you've
eaten the pie out of them

and use them for plates?

Isn't that nice?

Why don't we have
a glass of wine?

Well, I'm no...
Oh, a little bell.

You rang, madam?

Donald, would you pour the,
uh, Pinot Chardonnay, please?

Very good, madam.

It's 1953. Was a very good year.

Yes, it was, indeedy.

I got my braces
off and everything.

It's a very pretty picture.

Is that acceptable, madam?

Yes, yes, that'll make one
heck of a bobber for Laverne

when she goes fishing.

Daddy will be here soon.

He's still busy at the
currency exchange.

Oh, dear, didn't he
like the money he had?

Well, a toast.

Okay.

To the good life... Yes.

And those who deserve it.

Yes, to the good life.

Ah...

You call this wine?

Terribly sorry.

Get the Pouilly-Fuissé, please.

Right away.

That's my favorite French wine.

Oh, French wine.

Yes, uh-huh. Oh... la.

Have you ever seen France?

No, no, I haven't, but I
dated a busboy named Pierre,

uh, and he spoke with an accent,

but I'm not sure if it was
French or Portuguese.

Well, to Pierre.

And to clean tables everywhere.

I made a little rhyme, didn't I?

Ah...

You call this wine?

Try the Riesling.

Right away, madam.

Dear, he keeps getting
the bottles wrong.

Doesn't he? I know.

If he was a waiter,
he'd be out by now.

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Just a sip for me,
please, just a little sip.

That's plenty. Thank you.

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

Tha-That's plenty.
Thank you very much!

I haven't seen the
sun for two years.

Oh... well, Mother Harrison,

it's still the same as ever,

you know, hot and
yellow and round all over.

Mother Harrison
loves lying to strangers.

Oh, I see, I understand.

It's only because it's
the only fun I have,

except chasing Donald.

Oh, I see, of course, of course.

Well, to Mother Harrison, then.

Ah...

Oh, dear.

Was that me?

I'm so embarrassed.

Okay, everybody,

let's have a little sing-along.

I'll start it.

All right, let me th...

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream ♪

♪ Merrily, merrily,
merrily, merrily ♪

♪ Life is but a dream, yeah! ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Row, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Row, row, row... ♪

Perhaps we should
review the words.

They go: ♪ Row, row... ♪

No, no, no, no, no,
that won't be necessary.

You see, I hate that song.

Oh, so does Laverne.

Oh, gee, Laverne.

I wish she was here.

She's one heck of a girl.

Boy, would she hate you.

Oh, let's drink to Laverne.

Shall we?

Oh, Donald, don't bother.

I see...

I'm so sorry.

That's all right, dear.

I do apologize. That's o...

Here.

Oh, oh, oh... I've made a mess.

Haven't I?

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'll clean it up.

Here, Donald.

No, let me get it, no, let
me get it, please, please,

because I can clean this up.

This is how Laverne
makes her bed!

It is!

What's going on here?

Monroe!

Monroe!

♪ Monroe, row, row your boat ♪

♪ Gently down the stream... ♪

Adele, she's drunk.

That's right, Daddy. I wanted
you to see her true colors.

So you decided to
get her drunk, eh?

Well, I'll settle
with you later.

Come on, Shirley. Let's
get you down off of that table.

Oh, Monroe, Monroe,
you know, Mon...

Monroe, you know, if
you were a good boy,

you'd let your
mother see the sun.

You know, really.
All right, come on...

Oh!

I'm so glad you're here,
Monroe. Here we go...

All right, Pops, put her down!

I know what you're after!

Oh, now, wait.
Wait just a minute.

Carmine. Just a
minute, Mr. Ragusa,

this is not what it seems.

I was only trying to
take Shirley to bed.

You dirty old bum.

Put 'em up! Put 'em up!

Oh!

Shirl, Shirl!

Well, I hope you're satisfied.

Shirl, Shirl!

Shirl, wake up, wake up, Shirl.

I hit her again.

Shirl!

What happened to Shirley?

Uh, you, you don't
want to hear about it.

You probably want
to get back upstairs.

Your dinner's on the table.

My dinner is on her eye.

I'm just trying to find
out... what happened?!

All right, okay, I confess.
I'll tell you everything.

I-I had a little too much
wine to drink and no dinner,

and... I seem to recall
cheating this elderly woman

out of a lot of money.

Well, that means the
elderly lady hit you in the eye.

No, no, I-I hit her.

Carmine.

You'd pop your little
Angel Face one in the puss?

Carmine Ragusa the woman beater.

Ah, now I know what happened.

I'm going to wring your neck.

You know Carmine wouldn't
hit Shirley on purpose.

Now, come on. Let's
leave them alone.

Lord knows he has
lots of explaining to do.

Why is it every
time the fun starts,

you drag me out of here?

Look, we'll go upstairs
and we'll make our own fun.

Huh?

You shouldn't talk like
that in front of the kids.

I'm sorry, Shirl.

Look, if it'll make you feel
better, hit me in the eye.

Go ahead. Hit me
in the eye. No...

What's it going to prove, Shirl?

What are you trying
to prove, Carmine?

I'm trying to prove that
you don't belong to Monroe.

I mean, just because he
takes you to those classy places

and the operas and
the fancy restaurants

and he gives you the things
that you never had before,

things that... things that
I wish I could give you,

but I can't.

Maybe you are
better off with him.

I mean, what do
you want with me?

Who wants a bozo that goes
around giving girls black eyes?

I do.

You do?

Of course I do, Carmine.

You're the only
bozo I ever wanted.

I love you, Carmine.

But that doesn't
mean I can't be friends

with Monroe, does it?

And that's all we
ever were, friends.

Just friends?

Just friends.

Look, Shirl, I'm
sorry I got crazy.

It's just that... I
wanted to be the one to,

to take you to all
those classy places.

Well, maybe someday I will.

What do you mean someday?

Didn't you take me last week

to Otto's Snake Pit and
Barbecue Palace, huh?

You really think Otto's
is a classy place?

Sure.

Out of all the places
Monroe took me,

there wasn't one
single cocktail napkin

that amused me in the least.

You know, Shirl, someday
I'm going to be rich.

I know you are.

Maybe then, when
I hit you in the eye,

we can use a filet
mignon on your eye

instead of a minute steak.

Oh, Carmine, you say
the most romantic things.

Hey, Shirl, I'm back.

You should have seen.

My cousin Valerie had
the cutest little baby boy

you've ever seen in your life.

Only his nose looks
just like Uncle Fungie's,

so we're all going
to have to chip in

and get that fixed later on.

You know?

Laverne, can't you see

that Carmine and I would
like to be alone now?

Sorry.

Hey, how'd you
get that black eye?

Carmine punched me in the face.

I knew it.

Had to happen sooner or later.

You can just tease a guy for
so long and then he hits you.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪