Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 23 - There's a Spy in My Beer - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

What, this is supposed to
be totally sanitary in here,

and you're slobbering
in the brew?

I didn't backwash.

Besides, this whole
thing is a big waste of time.

Who in their right mind is
gonna want to drink diet beer?

What is that?

What are you doing?

This is supposed
to be top secret.

Besides, it's quite an honor

to be working in the
experimental vat room.

Yeah... pick up.

Guys here are so snooty,

they won't even look at you.

There we go. Okay.

Thank you.

Some honor, some honor.

Do you know that
the ladies' room

is clear across the other
side of the brewery, huh?

You mean to tell me

you'd give up a
career move like this

because of a long
walk to the toilet?

Aw, it's not just that.

Whenever I get home now

I'm working all this overtime,
I'm too pooped to pop.

Oh, Laverne, please.

The other night I was making out

with Kenny Avenoso.

Right in the middle of
everything, I fell asleep.

You better be careful
with things like that,

I mean he could have taken
advantage of you, Laverne.

You're right.

And I wouldn't have been
awake enough to enjoy it.

Listen to me.

Stick this out
and I'm telling you,

someday overweight beer
drinkers all across our nation

will be thanking you.

Yeah, that's a nice picture:

a bunch of fat drunks
sitting around slurring,

"Thanks a lot, Laverne."

See that? I'm so tired,
I'm a nervous wreck.

Now I'm gonna have to
pay for that broken bottle

out of my paycheck...
No, you're not.

Forget it. I hate this place.

Would you just go get the
broom from behind the vat

and clean it up;
nobody will be the wiser.

I'm gonna go save us a
table in the break room.

Well, find a place
for me to take a nap.

How about the fermentation room?

It stinks in there.

Yeah, but the fumes
will put you out like a light.

I'm all wet.

♪ 99 bottles of
beer on the floor ♪

♪ 99 bottles of beer ♪

♪ If one of those bottles
should happen to fall ♪

♪ 98 bottles of
beer on the wall... ♪

I am now going to
steal two more samples

of the experimental
beer for further testing.

As for the secret formula,
I have yet to locate it.

But if I need to, I will
return tonight to find it.

This is Ludwig, over and out.

Hey!

Who are you? What
are you doing here?

Uh, uh...

you will not be
able to tell anybody

what I'm doing here... Schnoopy!

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah? Shirl!

Shirl!

Spy, spy!

Okay... There's no
way out up there.

Hey, that's three stories down!

Oh, my goodness.

Just calm down.

I thought you were
gonna take a nap anyway.

Shirl, I am telling you,

there are these kind of
guys all over the place.

They're industrial
spies. Oh, please.

And this one was wearing
one of these green coats,

and then he took beer
and put it on his chest,

and then he jumped
out of that window.

Laverne, we all
looked out that window.

What did we see down there?

Nothing but rancid
yeast and rotten hops.

Hello.

What?

Get away from me.

There she is.

Laverne DeFazio...

A woman passing

through the passages
of time and space

into... the Twilight Zone!

♪ Ta-da-ta! ♪

Fine, great. This is just great.

Now the whole brewery knows.

Nobody believes me. Wrong!

We believe you,
Laverne. That's right.

There are spies
everywhere, Laverne.

From Russia, behind
the Iron Drapes.

You know something, boys.

I think when God was
handing out brains,

he mistook you two
for a couple of cactus.

An honest mistake.

All right, Shirley,

let's just say
there ain't no spies.

Then how do you explain the case

of the baffling banana?

Chapter 1.

About two weeks ago,

I put a yellow-colored
banana in my back pocket,

much like I always do.

Chapter 2.

One week later, this
yellow banana is now black.

It's frightening,
isn't it? What is?

What you just said, right?
Oh, that thing, yeah, sure.

Now, uh, I mean, uh,

what are we supposed to do...
We believe this an accident?

I should be so dumb.

Look, guys, I, I think we're
looking for two different spies.

That could be. But...

if I see anyone
eating a black banana,

I'll let you know. Great.

And we'll keep our eyes open

for anyone wearing a
green coat who limps.

Right. How are you doing? Hey.

Hey, pal, how's it going?

Come on, Laverne.
Eat your lunch.

There you. Calm
yourself. What'd you make?

Cheese sandwiches.

With ketchup?

No, mayonnaise on it.

Let me get it.

- What are you doing?
- It's him.

It's him. It's him. Who?

The spy... he's here. He's here.

He's here. Right
behind. Where? Where?

Look behind you. Look there. Ow!

That's him. That's him.

Laverne, please calm down.
I can prove it's him, Shirl.

He's got beer on his
chest... You're scaring me.

You're scaring me,
please. Just cover me.

Oh, I'm flattered

that you find me so attractive.

But I think it is better
that you resist, ya?

Oh, you'll have to excuse her.

You'll just have to excuse her.

She's been lost on a
desert island for 12 years,

and, uh, she just got back,

and she's trying to
make new friends.

Well, a simple "It's
good to be back,"

would have been
sufficient. Yes, well...

Otherwise, just keep
her away from me, ya?

Ya. Ya.

Ya, ya, come on, Laverne.
I'm telling you, Shirl.

That's him. That's
him or his twin brother.

Come on. We're gonna
take the rest of the day off.

You've been tired
anyway... No, I saw him.

And when you work
in the brewery too long

sometimes you get that, that
thing, you know, foamy brain.

I don't have foamy brain,
Shirl! Yeah, well, okay, okay.

Are you feeling a little better?

Can you hear me, Laverne?

I'm not deaf. I'm crazy.

No, she's not. She's faking it.

Frank, why would she
make something like that up?

So she doesn't
have to go to work.

She did it when
she went to school.

She stuck a thermometer
in the radiator.

One day she had a
temperature of 126 degrees.

Well, she could be crazy.

Didn't you tell me that
when she was a kid

her Uncle Fungie
dropped her on her head?

A couple of times.

He thought she liked it.
Laverne, now don't worry,

we're gonna get
you the best doctors

in Milwaukee... I ain't
going to no head doctor.

Oh, stop it, all of you.
She don't need no doctor.

All she needs is a little rest.

She's just tired

because she's been
working overtime. Yeah.

We've all got to stop
treating her like a child.

Yeah. Here's your oatmeal.

Open up that hangar.

Let's open up that hangar.

Here comes the airplane now...

Shirl, I don't want to...

There we go, Oh, that's good.

You'll feel better if you
eat a little something.

Come on, Laverne. Don't do that.

Come on. She's gonna be fine.

You'll see. Wipe her chin!

Oh, I'm sorry.

There we go.

Listen, I hope I'm not too late.

I got some finger paints
for our space cadet.

Oh, good.

They were out of
basket-weaving kits.

Oh. See? Basket-weaving kits?

Laverne, Carmine brought
you finger paints. Yo.

For what?

For Laverne to finger-paint.

Oh.

I love to finger-paint.

Wouldn't you like to
finger-paint, Laverne?

Huh? Who doesn't
like to finger-paint?

Okay, good. Paper for you.

Here's a nice
color green for you,

and give me... This is
the same color green

that spy was
wearing right there.

Carmine, why'd you have
to bring green anyway?

I couldn't break up the set.

All right, here,
here, take blue.

There's blue.

I think his eyes were blue.

Hey, watch out. Watch out.

Don't do that.
Don't touch nothing.

Just sit back and watch. Woo!

Woo! Boy, I-I
like to finger-paint.

Sometimes when I'm making pizza,

I make little
bunnies in the sauce.

Oh, really?

Isn't it fun, Laverne?

Isn't it fun?

Look at that.

I ain't got no paints.

She hasn't got
any finger paints.

Aww.

You didn't give me none.
I would have made...

Well, look, you're
probably too tired anyway.

I'm not tired. Hey,
everybody, let's go.

Come on. Yeah, okay, yeah.

I think she needs a little rest.

Gee, I didn't know
I was so talented.

I'm gonna frame this and
give it to you girls for Christmas.

I hope you feel better, Laverne.

You know, this is not bad.

I think I'm gonna hang
it in my apartment.

I'm gonna send mine to Mama.

Come on. Let's get
some shut-eye now.

No, no, no, you go ahead.

I want to play with
my finger paints.

Give me piece of paper.
All right, there you go.

Oh, this is pretty...
Uh, Shirl? Yeah?

How do you make brown again?

Uh, red and green.

How do you make purple?

Uh, red and blue.

Oh, and how do you make gray?

Blue and... oatmeal.

Ooh.

I'll make a blue...

Oh, it's probably just
Lenny and Squiggy.

Uh, look, guys, I didn't see
no one with a black banana,

so just go away...

Stop meddling in
other peoples' business.

This is a warning!

Keep your big mouth zipped!

Shirl!

Shirl!

What happened?

What's the matter? What's...

What! What! What!

The spy.

You mean the green spy
man's in the dumbwaiter?

Yes, yes, yes!

Now, shh, shh! Okay,
okay, all right, all right.

Shh, we got him trapped.
We got him trapped.

You bet we got him trapped.

Okay, all right. We'll
see who's crazy now.

Hold on, okay.

Wait, wait... Get
yourself ready.

All right.

You'll clean that up.

Okay, now.

Do you still see
the green spy man?

Is he still there?

You know I don't see him.

Well, how do you explain
that, Laverne, then, huh?

Well, he's a spy.
They're sneaky.

Yeah, okay. Come
on... I saw him, Shirl.

He was wearing a green
thing. He's got glasses.

He said he would,
he would hurt me...

Come on, Laverne.
Quiet down. Quiet down.

Come on. Come on.
Just sit down. Quiet down.

I saw him. I saw him.
Calm yourself, okay?

Okay? All right. Good.

I'm gonna call Dr. Schoenbroom.

Shirl, please! You're
not calling that doctor!

Laverne, this is
for your own good!

Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Yeah, come on!

Women wrestling... I love that!

What normal man doesn't?

Come on. Let's go!

Rip her shirt off, Laverne!

Get her in the kidneys...

What do you two want?!

Well, we'd like to see
you do this in mud.

Yeah.

We are not fighting.

Laverne thought she saw
her little green spy man again.

I didn't think I saw him!

I did see him, and he
was in the dumbwaiter.

Oh, Laverne, please...

The dumbwaiter...
How stupid of us!

That must be how he gains
access to our apartment.

Fiendish.

You mean you saw him?!

Well, not as such, Laverne,
but we know he's been there.

A clue! They
found a clue, Shirl!

Laverne, don't ask
them what they found...

Just give 'em a
chance, would ya?

They're not completely stupid.

Now, what was the clue?

Chapter 3.

The gray peach.

Did I say so...?

They are completely stupid.

Get out... This
is obviously a plot

to deface the fine
fruit of this great land!

Well, I do not care.

Well, of course,
you do not care.

Why should you?!
You live in a dairy state!

Get out!

Outta here!

Now, I'm doing this
for your own good.

I want the doctor
to talk to you.

Shirl, I ain't never
lied to you before.

You gotta believe me on this.

Laverne, I know you
never lied to me before,

but you gotta understand,

this is a pretty big
pill for me to swallow.

Yeah, but I
swallowed 'em for you.

I mean, don't you
remember, like in high school,

when you got 100%
on that biology frog test,

and everyone said you cheated?

But you said you didn't,
and I believed you.

Even though you did lock
yourself in the bathroom

when we dissected the frog.

I didn't cheat on that test.

I studied for that
test and you know it.

No. You told me you studied.

I never saw you
study for the test.

I believed you anyway...

'cause you were my friend.

Okay. If you say you
saw a green spy man,

then I believe it... You
saw a green spy man.

Ah, thanks, Shirl.

And you know what
we're gonna do? What?

We are gonna go down
to the brewery tonight

because he is gonna be
there to steal the formula

and we are gonna
take a picture of him,

right in the act.

No! No, are you crazy?! What no?

That could be dangerous.
We could get ourselves hurt.

Come on! Come on, Laverne.

Please, look, look. I'm
gonna level with you.

Okay? I did cheat
on that frog test.

I lied to you. I cheated like
the dickens on that frog test.

Please, please... I
know you did, Shirl.

But I ain't lying to you now.

I'm gonna go get
the camera. Laverne!

I should've cut up that crummy
frog while I had the chance!

Gimme a push.

Gimme... Ow! Ow!

Are you all right?
Are you all right?

Okay, okay. Get
in here. Get in here.

I'm just... Shh!

I'm just amazed at you, Laverne.

How did you know
there was a ledge leading

from the men's room
into the vat room?

I found out about it during
last year's Christmas party.

You don't want to hear about it.

Catch him when...

Darn it. I've only
got one picture left.

What?!

Well, I was taking
pictures of Boo-boo Kitty.

You know how I like
to do it at the window...

She looks so cute... Ah,
well, one will have to do!

I better take it.
I better take it.

No. Why do you want to take it?

Because you take
forever to focus...

It's my camera!

You get it. Well,
go in and get it.

I'm not going in there...
You go in there and get it.

Don't be silly. It's my camera...
You said it was your camera...

Oh, come on. You got
longer arms than me, anyway!

No, absolutely not.

Forget it. Okay. Okay. Okay.

There is only one
fair way to settle this.

Fine by me...

How could you...?!

Shh! Shh! Keep your voice down!

Do you want the
guard to come in here?

Now just find the
camera, will ya, Shirl?

Find the camera.

You're wet already, aren't ya?

Just fish around
in there, will ya?

Use your feet or something.

Look around. Look around.

Okay. Dive under. Dive under.

It's got to be under there.
We saw it go in, didn't we?

Shirl?

Shirl?

Shirl...!

Shirl...!

Okay, I've got it.

Ah, good. Now, come on, get out.

Come on. Come on.

Aw, aw... Don't
just stand there!

Gimme your hand.
Okay, okay, come on...

What's the matter with you?!

I thought you said
you found the camera.

Well, I lied, didn't I?

You... Where'd you
go? Where'd you go?

Shirl! Shirl! Shirl...

Had enough?

Where'd you go?
Come on. Get up here!

Shirl, where...?

Time-out! Time-out!

Ha! You laughed when I
took water ballet lessons.

Look, Shirl, this is
pretty silly, isn't it?

I mean, do you we
want to catch this guy?

Or do we want to
drown each other?

Well, frankly, I'd like to
catch this guy, Laverne.

Okay, then let's get
out of here, okay?

Okay, come on. Come on...

Hmm?

Lordy, I didn't
think we'd make it.

Are my lips turning blue?

Yeah, your lips are blue.

And your poor
little eyes are red.

Ludwig again.

I now have the secret formula.

Okay, hold it right
there, buddy boy!

This time, we got
a camera. Shirl?

No, we don't.

Okay, so we don't have a camera.

But there's two of us this time,

and we saw what you
did and we're gonna tell.

That's right.

We'll see about that.

Oh, Laverne, you were right.

There was a spy
trying to steal the plans.

I'm so sorry. This is not
the time for this, Shirl...

He's gonna kill us!

Kick, Shirl! Kick!

Come! Come quick!

Schnell! Quick!

What is it?! What is it?!

Laverne! Shirley!

What are you doing in there?!

I caught them red-handed.

They were sabotaging the beer.

And they ruined
another one of my shirts.

Don't you believe
him! It's a trick!

Well, we did ruin his shirt,

but he was trying
to steal the formula!

All right, all right. Now,
you girls get out of there.

You're all coming with me,

and we're gonna get this
straightened out right now.

No, no, no, no, no.

My blouse is wet and you
can see straight through it.

Yeah?

Don't worry. She'll
be up in a minute.

It's foam rubber.

We weren't doing anything.

I suppose that
you were just taking

a little midnight swim
in the vat? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, ha-ha-ha yourself!

Don't let him go. Pull
down his trousers.

He's got plans in his pants.

Whatever he has in
his pants is his business.

Very good, Officer.

If you need me, just call me.

Okay.

You see?! Ha! There!

There!

Here's your crummy formula!

Not so crazy now, am I?!

Don't ever feed me
oatmeal again, Shirl, please.

Well, we did it.

Yeah, well, you did it.

Aw. I'm so proud
of you, Laverne.

You stuck to your
guns and caught him,

even when everybody
said you was crazy.

You deserve all the credit.

I didn't do anything.

Sure you did.

You believed me
when no one else would.

Mm. Well, I'm just sorry
it took so long. That's all.

It's okay. Better
late than never, huh?

Yeah.

Okay, Shirl?

Thanks.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪