Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 5, Episode 2 - One Heckuva Note - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪



♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Keep it up, Laverne,
and you'll defrost

that refrigerator
instead of clean it.

Come over here and help
me move the stove, please.

Aw, what do we got to
clean behind the stove for?

No one goes behind there
except for the cockroaches.

Yes?

Well, they deserve a
clean home too, don't they?

Okay, on three...
One, two, three.

Hey, that was pretty easy, huh?

Well, it should have been,
there's enough grease back here

to open up a garage.

Ugh, look at all
that dirt and stuff.

Oh, how did we ever
let it get that way, huh?

Let's move the stove
back and forget about it.

All right, all right,
all right, I'll clean it...

What's with you?! What
is the matter with you?

- What's the matter with you?
- Oh!

My best friend! My best friend!

Well, this is a heck of
a way to show it, Shirl...

Oh!

- Oh!
- What is with you?

Aww!

Well, what is with you, Shirl?

What is it?

What?!

"Thank you very much for
making last night so special.

I'm crazy about
you. Love, Carmine."

Well, you've got hundreds
of these little love notes

in that little box in
your underwear drawer.

No, over... over!

All right, all right...

Not me, not me, the card!

The card!

Just stop it.

"My dearest Laverne..."

Oh yeah, Carmine
wrote this to me.

I can explain, I can explain!

- Ooh!
- Listen to me, it all happened one night

- around three years ago...
- Three years ago!

And you've kept it a
secret from me this long?!

- How could you?
- Well, I've been busy, Shirl.

Listen... listen to
me, listen to me.

Remember that night three
years ago when we had

just finished dinner and
you and Carmine were...?

Boy, it's getting late.

Shirl, would you hurry
up and get out here?

They're going to start
the rodeo without us.

Yippee yi ho, yippee yi yay...

yippee yi yo, yi yay!

Yippee yi yo, yipee yi yay...

yippee yi yay, ki yay...

yippee yi yo, yippee
yi yay... whoa!

Whoa there, Buttermilk, whoa!

Ah, that's real cute, Shirl.

Now, show Carmine how
you count to ten with your foot.

I'll do that later.

Isn't it wonderful I can
still fit into my official

Dale Evans do-dads?
Boy, isn't that a surprise?

I'm surprised you'd want to.

- I'll get it.
- I'll get it...

I'll get it, I'm up and I want
to put my lariat away anyway.

Howdy.

I hope she doesn't
ask me to wear chaps.

Uh... she might.

You know how Shirl
is, she likes to get

into the spirit of things.

Just be glad you're not
taking her to Sumo wrestling.

All right, okay.
I'll be right there.

Okay, don't worry. Bye-bye.

- Right where? Where you going?
- What happened?

Uh, Terry Buttafuco's
had an emergency.

Oh, what? Cold sores again?

No... no... her schnauzer
mated with the poodle next door

and any minute she's
expecting baby schnoodles.

And you're going to
get to deliver them?

No, I only wish... no, I
have to go down to Meckler's

and cover for her in the
appliance department.

What about the rodeo?

I already bought the tickets.

- I know, I know, I know...
- What do I do with the tickets?

Okay, calm down, listen.
Why don't you take Laverne?

Not Laverne. You want
me to take Laverne?

You want me to take her?

No offense.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait. I
have a better idea.

How about you
give me both tickets

and then I'll go to the rodeo
with someone real cute?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

- Yeah, no offense, no offense.
- Please...

- Please, please, Carmine!
- I don't want to go with her.

I don't want to go with Laverne.
I don't want to go with her.

Please take Laverne.

I promise you I'll make it
up to you tomorrow night.

- Yeah?
- Nice candlelight dinner...

soft music, a rousing game
of Chutes and Ladders...

What a night, whoo!

I'll take Laverne.

Okay, okay, okay.

- Uh-uh.
- Come on, Laverne.

- Uh-uh...
- Come on...

- Uh-uh.
- I'll give you a dollar.

Come on Carmine,
we're going to the rodeo.

All right.

Oh! I've got a swell idea.

I'll change out of
this and you can wear

my official Dale Evans do-dads.

Oh, goody, thanks.

Come on, Carmine. I
think the doods might fit,

but I think my dads are bigger.

Come on.

♪ Shirley's not here,
she's still at work ♪

Oh, boy... oh boy, was that fun.

- Yeah.
- Oh...

I didn't know a rodeo
could be so much fun.

I never had such a
good time in my entire life.

Neither did I.

- I'm glad I took you, Laverne.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

We shouldn't do it... Uh...

- We really...
- I don't...

- We really...
- Shouldn't...

Shouldn't do anything...

I don't think it would...

- They wouldn't...
- They wouldn't...

They wouldn't under... stand.

We just got carried
away, that's all!

- You know?
- We're acting like kids!

We got to get
control of ourselves...

- Okay!
- We can't let this get out of hand.

It gets out of hand...
boom! Shirl will kill me.

- Just get control of...
- Just got a little control..

Ohhhh...

Are you in control?

Yeah.

I'm not. Get out of
here, go on, get out.

All right.

Thank you, Laverne. I
had a very good time.

Uh, thank you for
taking me to the rodeo.

It was a perfectly
innocent evening.

Don't mention it!

To anyone.

Right. Bye.

I had a terrific time.

You did?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Bye.

Bye...

Get out!

I don't think it's broken.

- Good.
- Bye.

Bye.

You always hurt
the one you love.

♪ Da-da-da, dum,
doo-dee-doo-dow-dow ♪

♪ Breaking up is hard to do ♪

Okay, here you go, Mrs. Babish.

In honor of you becoming
our new landlady, I just wanted

to give you a free
beer on me and my pop.

But don't tell him. He
doesn't know about it yet.

Listen, how about you
introducing me to your pop?

Huh?

I'm-I'm a sucker
for big moustaches.

He seems like a
very charming man...

Come on, come on,
come on, the next time you

put gum in my bowling ball,
I'll bowl you down the alley!

Now get out of here!

Get, get, get! Move it!

Well... he's better
with grownups.

- Pop, come here...
- What?

I got a nice lady I want
you to meet, right there.

- Huh?
- Naw, she ain't my type.

Anyway, would you come on?

Come on. Uh...

I'd like you to meet my
new landlady, Mrs. Babish.

Edna Babish, Frank DeFazio.
Frank DeFazio, Edna Babish.

Hi, there.

- Say hi...
- Hi.

- To her...
- Oh, hi.

Listen, I'm giving a
big get-acquainted party

for all my tenants.

Why don't I order about
20 pizzas from you?

You know, I was
wrong, she is my type.

Follow me. I'll show you
a pizza party special I got,

and I'll tell you
something else.

For ten dollars I get
drunk, and I tell war stories.

Uh, easy, Pop.

Pop, one at a time,
you just met her... hmm?

You know a better
way to get acquainted?

Come on, I'll show you.

Oh, don't worry, I'll get it,
I'll get it. Go ahead, kids.

- Go ahead... go ahead...
- Watch out, watch out.

Go ahead.

Sure, he gets a
date, I get a mess.

What are you doing here?

What are you... What does
it look like I'm doing here?

- What are you doing here?
- I had to come here.

Sh-Shirley told me
to meet her here.

She knows? You told her?

- Oh, no.
- She knows, and she wants revenge!

How could you be so stupid, huh?

How could you do
that? How could you?

How could you? How could you?

No doubt about
it, you lost your tie.

Uh, I must have put
my socks on backwards.

- Bye.
- Bye.

No, no, wait a minute.

Wait just a moment. I
have to talk to you two.

Uh, I, uh, can't now
Shirl, I'm swamped.

But nobody's here.

There's 42 people
in the bathroom.

I'm afraid I've, uh, found
out something terrible.

Something awful.

Something I never expected to...

Where are you going?

What are you... Stop!

You're making me dizzy, please!

Please!

Carmine...

all day long I've
been looking forward

to having dinner with you.

And now it's all ruined!

I knew something
like this would happen!

I knew it, I knew it!

Well, I suppose...

All in the cards.

I mean, I suppose this would
have happened eventually.

I mean, it's nobody's
fault really, is it?

It's nobody's fault...

It's all my fault,
Shirl, it's all my fault!

I'm sorry, please,
it's all my fault...

No, it's not your
fault, it's not your fault.

It's not your fault
a dog has gas.

- Terry's dog has gas?
- Yeah.

- Gas?
- Yeah.

I have to work down at
Meckler's tonight again.

Last night was
just a false alarm.

The poor dog just
had indigestion.

Darn those dogs...

Yeah, darn those schnoodles.

No, but you know, I've
been thinking things over,

and Carmine, I did promise
you a nice home-cooked dinner.

Ah.

And I've got all that food made,

and I'd hate to see
it all go to waste.

So I just figured Carmine
could come over and you'd

have dinner with him.

I can't.

- What do you mean, you can't?
- Uh...

I'm on a new diet.

No home-cooked meals, I
can't eat home-cooked meals.

What are you
talking about... Diet?

Anyway, you two eat so cute
together with your little knives

and your little forks
and your little spoons.

You two should eat together.

We should eat together, Shirl,
you and I need to eat together.

We ain't eaten together
for a long time, you and I.

You eat cute
together, you and I.

- The little fork...
- Carmine... Carmine...

Please, you're choking me!

What's wrong with you?

Both of you.

Come on, Laverne,
please, do this for me.

I don't want him hanging
around at Otto's Snake Pit tonight

while I'm working
down at Meckler's.

Please, at least with
you, I know he'll be safe.

Please? Please?

Come on. Come on,
Carmine, come on...

- We don't want to eat together.
- We don't want to eat together.

What's wrong with you?

Of course, you
want to eat together.

You'll have fun, and it'll
make me the happiest girl

in the world knowing
you're together...

Just a minute, Carmine.

Hi. Ta-da!

Get in here! You want the
whole neighborhood to see?

Here.

You had to bring flowers?

You had to get dressed up?

I'll change.

No, no! Don't change.

You look beautiful.

The flowers are beautiful.

"Thanks for making
last night so special.

I'm crazy about
you. Love, Carmine."

Aw, Carmine, you
could work for Hallmark.

Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- Oh...
- Thanks.

Oh, you're welcome.

I know what to do with these...

You should put them in
water with some aspirin in it.

Yeah.

- Hallmark, huh?
- Yeah.

Well, maybe I could...

What are you doing?

Well, I have to get
rid of the evidence.

Glad I didn't get
you a teddy bear.

- They're beautiful, Carmine.
- Yeah, you like 'em?

They're just beautiful.

Okay, give me the card. Okay...

The card's gone,
the flowers are gone...

We still got dinner here.

Let's eat.

Laverne, look, you and I
have got to talk about this thing

between you and me here.

I know, Carmine, I just don't
know what to do, you know?

Oh... this thing is
bigger than you and I.

Guess we just got to admit it.

We're crazy about each other.

Yeah.

- Carmine?
- Laverne?

My hand's in the spaghetti.

- Shirley's going to kill us.
- We're dead.

- We're dirt.
- We're garbage.

- Let's eat.
- Our last supper.

Do you always use
that much seasoning?

Yeah, why?

Just asked.

Do you always, uh,
mix all your food together

before you eat it like that?

Yeah, it saves my
stomach the trouble.

Oh.

How do you eat?

Alphabetical order.

Is that why you're eating the
meatloaf before the vegetables,

because the meatloaf starts
with an "m" and the vegetables

start with a "v"?

- No, that's not why.
- Why?

That's zucchini with a "z."

If it was asparagus
with an "a," I'd eat it first.

But it's not
asparagus with an "a."

It's zucchini with a "z."

Let's change the subject.

You know that one of your
ears is droopier than the other?

I happen to like my droopy ear.

It gives me a little
character, okay?

Just like your nose.

You saying my nose is droopy?

Your whole body is droopy.

You don't even
stand up straight.

You slouch all the time.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Well, what about
you, squat dancer?

- Squat dancer?
- Yeah.

At least my legs don't
look like they've been tied

to a horse for five years.

Oh, yeah, Bucky Beaver?

At least my hair isn't
so stringy you can

- mop the floor with it, huh?
- Yeah?

Well, you could
scrub pots and pans

with your hair, Brillo-head!

- Brillo-head?
- That's right, Brillo-head!

- Oh, yeah, Bucky Beaver!
- Oh, yeah, Brillo-head!

I don't have to take this
from somebody I don't love.

Yeah? Well, I don't
love you, either.

- Carmine!
- Laverne!

- I don't love you!
- I don't love you!

- Ohhh!
- I don't love you!

- Oh, Carmine!
- I don't love you!

I don't... Oh, I'm so happy.

- I know!
- I don't... I don't love you.

Oh! Carmine!

All right, that's safe.

Yeah.

How come, uh... how
come we felt like that?

I mean, we never
felt like that before.

I guess because
we're such good friends.

Yeah?

Well, I think sometimes friends
seem more than there is because

well, they're close, and they
like each other to begin with.

Yeah?

Do you think we
could... you and I

could still be friends?

Hey, we never stopped.

Well, I g... I guess
I should go, huh?

- Yeah, I think so.
- Okay.

- Hey, Carmine?
- Yeah?

Do you think we ought
to go down to Meckler's

and tell Shirley
the whole story?

No, no, no, no, no, Laverne.

Some things are
better left unsaid.

Besides, uh, I don't think
Shirley would understand this.

You know how she is.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I wouldn't want her getting
crazy over something

- that turned out to be nothing, huh?
- Right, right.

- Well... good night.
- Good night.

Are you going to start again?

This one's okay, come here.

See you later.

And that's the long
and the short of it.

You big coward. You big coward!

Shirl, don't!

I figured you were so
far down in the gutter

any more bad news
would have killed you.

Yeah, but you could have
found a chance to tell me.

I mean, you only had three
years worth of chances.

Yeah? Well, I just figured
some things are better left unsaid.

Aw, I guess I
should have told you.

Oh... come on, why don't
you smack me around?

Hit me one good... I deserve it.

Come on. Come
on, just hit me one.

You could hit harder
than that, come on.

Okay, a little harder.

No... no, I can't.

Then you forgive me?

Well, it'd be a
heck of a lot easier

if it had been a
stranger and Carmine.

But I mean, Carmine
and my best friend.

It would have hurt less
if you would have hit me.

Oh, I'm sure I'll
find it in my heart

to forgive you and Carmine.

And in the
meantime, I think I can

make you feel better.

Yeah?

I think I can kind of
even things up a little.

What?

You remember when you
were in the hospital with mono?

Oh, yeah.

Well, all that time
you were in there,

I dated Ronnie Morehead.

You what?

I dated Ronnie Morehead.

He gave me his I.D. bracelet.

I know, but it wasn't
like you were, you know,

married or anything like that.

Yeah, but I was
in love with him!

Yes, well you couldn't kiss him.

You kissed him?!

Get everything straightened
out with Carmine?

- Yeah.
- What'd he say?

Well, you know, his story
differs from yours a little bit.

Yeah? Huh.

Yeah, well, he barely remembered
the rodeo, and he didn't much

remember dinner, and he
didn't remember kissing you at all.

He don't remember nothing.

Yeah, well, no.

He did remember something
about a droopy nose.

I'm going to bed now, okay?

- I'll see you in the morning.
- See ya.

Hello, Brillo-head,
this is Droopy Nose.

You know, nothing's
changed in three years.

You can still drive a
truck through your legs,

you're still squatty,
and you still eat stupid.

And I've just had
enough of you, Carmine.

Carmine Ragusa.

Isn't this Klondike
Five-one-three-two-one?

It's nobody.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪