Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 6 - Laverne & Shirley Go to Night School - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

No, no.

No, the mouse ain't
here, Mrs. Babish.

Uh, he's probably in some
other part of the building.

You know this is
all Shirley's fault.

Oh, no, you can't blame
this mouse on Shirley.

Let's face it, you've got a
lot of filthy people living here.

Listen, I have seen Shirley
put little pieces of cheese

up and down the stairs.

Yeah, well, uh, that's,
uh, for the mailman.

Hi... hi, I...

Am I interrupting something?

Yes, Shirley, we are
looking for your mouse.

My mouse?

What makes you think
Twinkle is my mouse?

Twinkle, hmm?

You're blowing the whole thing.

Oh, there he goes!
There he goes!

Get out of my way!

He's mine.

Where is he?

I put him in a shoe box
in your underwear drawer.

But I'm getting tired of
covering for you, Shirl.

You really ought
to get rid of him.

I mean, one's not
bad, but what happens

if he starts having little
mouse parties, huh?

I'll take him to the boiler
room and set him free.

I owe you for this one, Laverne.

And I'm going to pay
you back immediately.

I got a surprise for you.

Oh, boy, a surprise.

Sit down.

Oh, boy, a
sitting-down surprise.

Not only a sitting-down
surprise, my dear,

but a wonderful
sitting-down surprise.

Okay, I've got my
eyes closed. Give me.

What have you always wanted
to do all your live long life?

No.

Haven't you always
dreamed of going to college?

Never.

Well, that dream has come true.

Every Tuesday you and I are
going to night school, Laverne!

Night school? Uh-uh.

Ixnay the night school.

We talked about this,
and we decided against it.

It got in the way of bowling.

Listen, I like bowling as
much as the next man,

but I think it's time
we faced the fact

we are never going to
make big money at it.

Yeah, well, I could.

How?

I'll bowl you for ten bucks.

Stop that. Stop that.

I'm talking about a
course that would teach us

a profession where we could
earn lots and lots of money.

Laverne, I'm talking
about big bucks.

Read this.

"Are you medical
assistant material?"

A medical assistant,

what are you, crazy? You
got to be smart to do that.

We're smart. No, you're smart.

You were the Whiz Kid in
school, you got straight "C's".

Remember what they called me?

Forget that.

Doofus DeFazio.

Lived with that for 11 years.

So you had a name pinned
on you by a few hundred kids.

Yeah, and a couple of teachers.

That's all behind you now.

Doofus is no more;
you've matured.

Look, if I can prove

that this is the
perfect career for you,

will you come to night school?

How can you prove that?

I can't even follow the
stories on Ben Casey.

Look, there are three simple
questions to let you know

if you are medical
assistant material.

Oh, no, not a pop quiz.

They get me crazy,
my hands start sweating.

Oh, stop it. You'll be
surprised at your aptitude.

Question one.

"Do you agree that
there are too many

helpless and sick
people in the world?"

Yes.

See there? Well,
that's an easy one.

Number two.

"Do you agree that there
are too few medical personnel

to help the sick
people of the world?"

Yes.

Perfect!

Last question.

"Could you honestly
live with yourself,

"knowing what you know now,

without doing
something about it?"

No.

Good!

100%! 100%!

Welcome to a doctor's world.

My dear, you are
medical assistant material.

Oh, I'm sorry, that's
Laverne's seat, it's saved.

She's been sitting there
for three weeks now.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, that's my seat.

I was sitting there.

Thank you.

I'm sorry.

That's Laverne's
seat Could you move?

Excuse me, that's my seat
you're sitting in there. Could you...?

Excuse me. Excuse
me, would you mind?

Mr. Wilner?

Mr. Wilner, sir, those
two people are in my seat.

You require more than
one chair, Miss Feeney?

Well, yes, sir, Laverne
and I have been sitting

in the front row for the past
three weeks, I have proof.

Laverne carved her
initials in that chair.

I know, I saw the chips fly.

Then Miss DeFazio
is coming tonight?

Oh, yes, sir, yes.

I thought maybe she
decided to drop out.

And for a moment,
my heart took wing.

Oh, no, sir,

Laverne, uh, she's,
uh... just a tad late.

Oh, a tad?

Yes, a fire broke out in the
building across the street.

A fire?

Yes, and Laverne rushed in to
save some old people. Old people.

Yes, they were old and poor.

And poor as well?

Yes, and so she's out now having
her stomach pumped for smoke.

Aw... But she'll be
along right away.

It's a sad story.

One of the saddest
I've ever heard.

Yeah, oh, I see you
have Laverne's file. I...

Don't read my papers.

I'm taking these
papers to the Registrar.

I'm suggesting that we
refund Miss DeFazio's tuition.

Oh, you're giving her a
scholarship, I'm praying.

I'm booting her out, I'm hoping.

No, let's face it, she's just
not medical assistant material.

Well, she, she hasn't
answered one question.

Every time I put
a question to her,

she gives me the same answer:

"My dog ate that
page in the book."

Oh, please, please
don't boot her out.

Please give her one more chance.

I'm telling you,
Laverne could be

one of the world's
greatest medical assistants.

You may quote me.

Miss Feeney. Yes.

If I ever had the misfortune of
being hit by a train... Uh-huh.

Say a long train, 50, 60 cars...

And by some miracle,
I was lying there

with still a spark
of life remaining,

and Miss DeFazio
just wandered by

and offered me her
medical assistance, Uh-huh.

I would say no, thank you,
I'm waiting for the next train.

Please, Mr. Wilner, please
don't throw Laverne out.

Please don't make
me grovel, sir,

because if it's absolutely
necessary, I will.

Oh, please, please, please.

All right, all right!

That's a Christmas necktie.

All right, we'll give her one
more chance. Thank you.

I'll see how well
she does tonight.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Oh, thank you. You won't
regret this. Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. Wilner, many
thanks. Fine. That's quite all right.

Thank you, sir. Oh, thank you, thank
you. Now, ladies and gentlemen...

Oh, Mr. Wilner,
what about my seats?

Those two people
are in my seats.

Get yourself another chair if
it's gonna make you happy!

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

tonight we're going to discuss
the human skeleton system.

Now, when one considers
that the infinite number

of bones that
have to be identified

and placed quite correctly
in our nomenclature,

our general knowledge
of the situation

won't prevent us
from approaching this

with any levity...

All settled in our little
nest, Miss Feeny?

Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

Now I have a little surprise

for you tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.

How does it feel, sitting
in the second row, huh?

Not so good, huh?

Huh?!

As I said, ladies and gentlemen,

tonight I have a
little surprise for you.

Hi.

I'm real sorry I'm late,

but these two little girls, you
know, the Needleman sisters?

They wanted me to show
them how to give noogies.

Their first noogies, I had to
take their little hands and...

And that's when
the fire broke out.

Flames everywhere.

There was a fire?

Sit down. Just sit down.

I'm probably holding up
the whole class here, huh?

Well just go
ahead, I'll catch up.

What did I miss?

Just me groveling, but you
may get a chance to see it again.

Tonight I brought
along a friend.

The boys in the medical
lab call him Mr. Ripulski.

Now I warn you,
he's very expensive,

so keep your hands off him.

What did the late
Mr. Ripulski die of?

He died teaching night school.

Thank you.

Died... teaching...
night school.

I can safely assume that
we've all read the assignment.

So, who can tell me
what this is called?

Miss DeFazio, can you
tell me what this is called?

Mr. Ripulski?

Very good. Very good.

Not an easy name to remember.

No, I want the
medical term for this.

The head.

The more medical term.

Yeah, I know that,
sure I know that.

Cranium, cranium.

It's the geranium.

You weren't listening
very carefully,

because she said cranium.

Oh, yeah, the
cranium, that's it.

Very good, Miss DeFazio.

And very good to
you, too, Miss Feeney.

Now, Miss DeFazio, can
you tell me what this bone is?

No. Uh... The dog...
Dog ate that page.

Will you please come
up here, Miss DeFazio,

and point out what
the dog didn't eat.

Show us anything you know.

Well, this is
where his hair was.

This is where his
little fingernails were.

This was Mr. Ripulski.

All right, Miss DeFazio!

All right, now, do the
assignment on page 40.

I'm taking these papers and
Miss DeFazio to the registrar.

Oh, no, Mr. Wilner!
You asked her

to show you anything
she knew. Anything!

I'll probably get
detention hall for this, huh?

I know these bones.

He just makes me
nervous when he asks me.

Like, like this is
the, the joke bone...

the, the, it was so funny,
it was so humorous...

It's the humerus, uh,
and these are the twins.

This is the ulna,

and the, uh, uh, the ulna,

and... well, it's
in my notes here.

Ulna... and... the radius.

That's it. It's...

Laverne, listen.

I talked him out of
booting you out, okay?

He's down in the... He's
down in the... He's down...

Oh, caramba!

What hap... oh!

What happened to Mr. Ripulski?

His cranium came off...

How did that happen?!
How did it happen?!

Put it back!

I can't put it back!

Here, help me put him back.

I don't know... Get
that out of here.

Okay, take that out of there.

Get that out of there. Oh...

Put it up there...

Wait, he's biting my arm!

He's got my arm!

Oh, here, give me his leg.

Put it there.

Stick it up there.

Put the leg back on.

Put it there.

Now sit down.

Maybe he won't notice.

Put it down. Put
it down. Just...

Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen,

but that interruption
was unavoidable.

Now...

Miss DeFazio,
this was your doing.

Can I be excused?

You can be excused forever!

You're a disgrace!

You don't belong in this class!

You don't even
belong in the school!

Laverne.

No, he's right.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were in school.

I-I got bit on the elbow.

I'll get the first aid kit.

Ever since you're seven...
No elbows, just scabs.

Who bit you?

Mr. Ripulski.

Hey, I'll get him.

Ah, he's already dead.

Yeah?

Well, he got what he deserved.

What kind of school is
that where they bite people?

Uh, don't worry, uh,
it won't happen again,

'cause I'm not going
back to that stupid school.

You got kicked out?

No.

Just found that I have

better things to do
on Tuesday nights.

Like bowling.

Watching Wyatt Earp.

Ow, that burns, Pop, that burns!

Blow!

Don't spit.

Blow.

You know I was in the Army.

Nobody complained and
I helped a lot of people.

Yeah, I heard how
you won the war.

Yeah, I did, I did.

Who else?

Pop, I did get kicked out.

But I tried, honest.

It's just that that
stuff is too hard.

Listen, Muffin, if
you got any troubles

at school, why
didn't you tell me?

Maybe I can help you.

Aw, Pop, you can't help me.

Nobody can.

I'm just a dummy.

Come on, come on, nobody
calls my daughter a dummy,

and that includes you.

It's true. It's not true!

When you was a
little kid, you know

I once gave you a map puzzle,

where you put all the states
in place, you know that?

United States.

Yeah, and you put everything

like this here, boom, boom.

You knew everything.

Wyoming, a square
state, could go anyplace.

You knew where to put it.

You was a genius.

Yeah, I might have
started out okay,

but somehow along the line
I became a real dummy, Pop.

Ahh. Come on.

Just like your mother.

Mama was a dummy?

No, no. No, don't ever say that.

It's just that when your
mother liked something,

boy, she was wonderful.

You know that she once
learned an opera in two hours?

And then she drove me
crazy singing it for two years.

I remember that.

Yeah. I'll tell you
something else.

What?

Well, when she
didn't like something,

and she didn't want to do it,
she thought she was stupid.

Well, to tell you
the truth, Pop,

I don't like that medical stuff.

Big deal! So you forget it.

Find something you like

and you'll be a champ again.

Okay? Come on.

You're okay. I gotta go to work.

Ah, thanks, Pop.

Thanks for helping me.

That's all right.

Hey how come you
came over here anyway?

Edna!

I found the mouse!

Dead! Dead!

Laverne, flush
him down the toilet.

How come you lied to her?

How can you kill
anything named Twinkle?

Don't forget,
you're not a dummy.

Right, that's all I gotta do.

I just gotta think of
something I'm good at.

The only thing I'm good at,

my father would
kill me if I did.

Laverne?

Laverne, I know you're in there.

You're probably real
mad at me for pushing you

into going to that
class, and you're right.

You're probably laying in
there in your ratty old bathrobe

with your curler
cap on your head,

stuffing your face
full of Scooter Pies.

Come on, Laverne, you
can admit you're mad at me.

Come on, admit it.

Come on.

I'm not mad.

I only ate two.

When I'm mad, I eat six.

Laverne, I know tonight
was a rough night,

but I have news that'll
make things better.

Yeah? What?

Laverne... Hmm?

You're going back
to night school.

Are you crazy?!

Boy, you just love to see
me embarrassed, don't you?

Why don't you go
out and get me drunk

and put me on College Bowl, huh?

Boy, if you ever, if you ever
mention that school to me again,

I'm gonna break your cranium
with my ulna, you got that?

Oh! Boy, we are quick
to flare, aren't we?

Would you mind just
looking at something?

No. Just... No. Just
look... Ah! Ah! Ah!

I'm hitting my own
self in the head!

Would you just
look at it, please!

"Taxidermy. An interesting
career for you and your pets."

That's disgusting.

What do you want me to do,

stuff Twinkle and
hang him by your bed?

No, not that... that. There.

"Associate of Arts Degree in
Recreational Management."

Boy, that's a stupid job.

You don't even know
what it is. I do so.

What is it?

You recreate, and
then you manage it.

Well, since you're
such an expert,

I guess you also know that
when you finish this course,

you can become,
among other things,

a social director at a resort

where wealthy men
gather in short pants.

Or a cruise director
on a luxury liner.

Shuffleboard, sailor boy?

Or you can work
in a nursery school,

run a playground,
help a lot of little kids.

You know, teach
them arts and crafts,

swimming, noogies.

I was under the impression
you liked to do all those things,

but... I guess I'm wrong.

I guess I-I just don't
know what's right for you.

I guess I'll just... throw
this out in the trash.

No, I... I think I'll take
it to the trash myself.

Oh! On second thought,

I think I'll take it
to the incinerator

and burn it. That's right.

That's what I'll do.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

"Dear Diary...

"This night school is
tougher than I thought.

"I spent most of this
week locked in my room

"memorizing complex
chemical formulas.

Period.

"Tonight was the big test.

Underline "big."

"For three hours I answered
mind-boggling questions.

"It was grueling work, but
I'm very proud of myself.

I got a B-minus."

Underline "B-minus."

Hey, Shirl!

Oh! What a night!

We learned how to teach kids
square dancing, and guess what?

What? I got an A-plus

and the fiddle
player asked me out.

Whoo! A-plus!

"P.S. Where is the justice?"

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪