Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 7 - A Date with Eraserhead - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Attention, everybody!

Attention!

Tomorrow is going to
be the tenth anniversary

of the Pizza Bowl.

Yay!

And we're going to have a party,

a private party
we're going to have.

Now, some of you
have been invited

and some of you
have not been invited.

Those who have not
been invited, don't come.

Or I throw you
out in the gutter.

All right?

Have a good time.

Yay!

Did you notice?

My pop's getting more charm.

No, I must have
missed that part.

So, uh, you got a date
for tomorrow night yet?

Oh, yeah, a real hunk.

Who is he?

Well, I met him on an escalator.

I was going up and
he was coming down,

so I jumped over the rail.

More of the old
DeFazio charm, eh?

Yeah. Thanks for the keys.

I'm going to go home; I got
this new secret facial mask.

I mixed some up; it's made
out of honey and oatmeal.

You want me to mix you up some?

No, I had that for breakfast.

You ate my facial
mask for breakfast?

You ate a facial
mask for breakfast?

Why would you want
to eat a facial mask?

It was good.

Last Wednesday, he took
me up to Inspiration Point.

So romantic.

He held my face in his hands
and he kissed me... French.

I told you he was a hot ticket.

Don't I know it?

Last Friday night... Yeah?

He took me to his apartment...

and he turned the
lights down real low.

Go on.

Tell all, come on.

Well, let's just say

that Carmine Ragusa
is a real ladies' man.

Yeah, I know what
you mean, all right.

But isn't there a girlfriend
in the picture somewhere?

Yeah, but that don't stop him.

You know, she
must be a real nerd.

And the way he fools around,
she must be a regular dog.

Bow wow, woof, woof!

Cut it out, you're awful!

Um, uh, you seem to have
a little sauce on your nose.

Let me help you get it off.

Hey, Lenny, why the
big interest in exercise

all of a sudden, huh?

Well, you see, I haven't got
a date for the party, you know,

and I figured girls are
always going for muscle men,

like you and Squig, so I fig...

Could you help
me get out of here?

It's got me.

Let go, Len. Good.

Why don't you try the bike, Len?

Come on. Uh, I don't know.

Aw, come on, you've
been riding bikes

since you were what, 19?

Yeah.

Usually I got, got Squiggy
running alongside of me

to keep me company, you know?

Oh, this one stays...

It's a homemade
job, I made it myself.

You like it? I put it together.

Yeah, you ought to
put a basket on the front

so you can carry your beachwear.

Want a drink?

Len, would you do me a
favor and get out of here?

I want to talk to Carmine alone.

He's not doing
anything. Yes, I am.

I ain't leaving till I become a
millionaire with my muscles.

Aw, come on, Len.

Please do me a favor, huh?

No, my first solo!

Hey, Squig!

He made it.

What's going on?

Oh, Carmine, you old dog, you.

Heard you were having
a pretty good time

Wednesday night, huh?

Well, I don't like
to... Sure you do.

Who were you out with, huh?

You remember Denise...
Hold that for a second...

You remember Denise,
huh... la-la-la-loo?

Yeah, yeah, I remember her.

And, uh, who were you
out with Friday night, huh?

Friday night.

Yeah.

Muriel Block.

Muriel Block, huh?

Yeah, Muriel Block.

Yeah, she's got this
great set of albums, see,

and she came over to my house,

we turned the lights
down a little low,

put a little music on,

and we had some
wine and then we put...

Why did you do that?

What are you, nuts?
You come in here...

What do you mean?

Y-Y-You're nothing but a
miserable two-timing worm.

Now, you stay here
and don't move.

I'll be right back.

Where am I going to go
with apple juice in my pants?

Are you crazy? Are you crazy?

I don't want Carmine
to see me this way.

Get, get, get, get,
get, get, get, get...

Get in here, get in
here, turn around.

You know what he did.

Now, I'll hold him, you hit him.

Again, you're starting
in with me again.

Come on, Shirl, come on,
smack him in the mouth.

Come on.

Will you get her off my
back? Get her off my back.

Let go of him.

Let go.

Listen to me!

Will you understand what
I am trying to say to you?

Okay, just calm down, calm
down, let me explain this.

All right?

Now, Carmine and I
have an understanding.

You see?

We decided a long time ago

that we were going
to see other people,

but we weren't going to let
the other one know about it

or throw it up in
the other one's face,

which we have managed to avoid

until this little show of yours.

Am I making myself clear?

I did bad, huh?

Probably look like a jerk, huh?

I was only doing it for
you, Shirl, you know.

I didn't know you
had an understanding.

If you would have told me,
then I would have understood.

I poured juice in a man's pants.

Ah, well, she meant well, huh?

Yeah, I suppose.

It's kind of hard for her
to understand anyways.

Yeah, well, it'd be hard
for anybody to understand

why you'd want to go
out with Muriel Block.

Why?

Carmine!

Muriel "The Blockhead" Block?

That's not a nice thing to say.

You gave her that
name in high school.

I don't date her for her brains.

Well, well, well, well, well.

Now you are showing
me a side of yourself

I never suspected
but always believed.

What?

I mean, really, Carmine,
where are your standards?

Oh, standards.

Now you're talking
about standards, huh?

Just like your standards.

"Hi, Shirley, I'm a doctor."

Well, at least it's better than

"Hi, hi, hi, I'm an imbecile."

I don't do that.

I don't do...

You know something?
You know something?

You're acting like
a real fool, Carmine.

I can act like a fool if I want.

All right, then, here you go.

Take the phone and
ask Muriel out again.

Well, maybe I will.

All right, and do it
for tomorrow night

because you're free!

Well, I'll tell you,
that's fine with me.

Well, fine with
you, fine with me.

You know something?

There are a thousand
guys out there in that city

who are dying to go out with
me, and now's their chance.

And do you want to know why?

Because Carmine and Shirley
aren't going together anymore!

That's why.

I can't believe it.

I just can't believe it.

No matter how hard I try,

I just can't get
it into my head.

Look, Shirl, I said I
was sorry that I butted in.

Okay, look, I'm
making a nice salad.

Now what do you want in it?

A dried-up old piece of chicken

or a nice new hunk of Spam?

Mmm... Spam it is.

I'll tell you what
I want, Laverne.

I want you to get me a date
for that party tomorrow night.

What are you talking about?

Carmine and I are through.

Finished, kaput,
it's over, fini.

You broke up. It's all my fault.

I'm going to kill myself.

No, no, calm down,
it's not your fault.

Oh, good. Do you want cucumber?

I've been a fool
all these years.

What's the name of that
escalator friend of yours?

Ernie McGlonnis.

Yeah.

Laverne, I want
you to call Ernie

and have Ernie get me
a date for tomorrow night.

Oh, gee, Shirl, I don't
know if I can do that.

I just met the guy

and I don't think I could
spring you on him this soon.

Oh, don't do that,
please don't do that.

Please stop doing that.

I hate when you do that.

Please don't do that.

After all, it is all your fault.

You just...

I want this guy to be
gorgeous, Laverne.

I mean, I want him
to be the kind of man

who takes my breath away.

Hello!

Ah... Laverne DeFazio.

I've got a brain
to pick with you.

Excuse me, Shirl, pardon me.

This is between her and me.

What is the big idea
of sending my Lenny

off on a bike by his self?

He wasn't ready, Laverne.

What? He was doing
fine till he got to the stairs.

Oh, until he got to the stairs,

and now six and a half
years of training with that man

are down the drain.

No, no, please.

Please don't touch our food.

Look, Shirley's not in the
mood for company right now,

so will you get out of here?

Who is she, Queen
of the Maypole?

Carmine and her had a
big fight and they broke up,

so get out of here.
They broke up?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, I
understand, I understand.

Good, we'll see you later.

Okay.

Okay, Shirl, I'm going to go in

and call Ernie
and get you a date.

What do you want?

Rock Hudson, only taller.

I'll start with taller.

Oh, Shirley, I feel so guilty.

This is all my fault, I
know it, it is all my fault,

I am guilty.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on,

you know what I'm talking about.

I know why you broke
up with the Big Raccoon.

You, you've always
had your heart set on me.

It ain't your fault you
find me "irresistiful."

It's just that God looked
down on me one day

and smiled all over me.

No, no, I don't think
God knows about you.

He knows about everything,
Shirl... but it's all right.

You'll see, time
cures all wounds,

and someday... maybe
someday soon even,

you'll teach your
heart how to sing

without Andrew Squiggman.

Get out.

No, I'm leaving.

Laverne! Laverne!

Laverne, don't you dare ever
leave me with that man again.

Forget Squig.

I got Ernie and
we got you a date.

Who is he?

Well, in high
school, he was voted

best-looking and
homecoming king.

And if you don't make out
with him on the first date, I will.

Oh, I promise you!

I promise I'll
make out with him.

Okay. Oh, yes.

All right, woman!

I can't stand to leave
you brokenhearted!

Make it last!

Shirley, where's Carmine?

I don't know.

It's not my night to watch him.

What's with her?

It's not my fault, I swear.

Her and Carmine broke up.

Oh, Shirley, I'm so sorry.

Oh, don't be, Mrs. Babish.

Laverne fixed me up
with this gorgeous hunk.

So don't bother saving
any pizza for Carmine,

'cause tonight he's going
to be eating his heart out.

Don't you love her
when she's mean?

All right, spread
out, spread out.

Make a little room here,
little room, little room...

Hey, everybody!

Bubbles Schneck.

Well, would you look at him.

I mean, just look at him.

I will as soon as I
can stop looking at her.

Now I know who God
gave the rest of my body to.

Well, it's obvious
that he's just using her

to get back at me.

I'm telling you, Laverne,

this guy you got for
me better be gorgeous.

I mean, he better knock
the socks off of Carmine.

Well, don't worry
about it, okay?

Gangway, gangway, please.

Lenny, over here.

Uh, hi, guys.

Hello, ladies, hello.

Oh, uh, Shirley,
don't be jealous.

She's just a
friend of the family.

Sit down for a minute...

Uh, excuse me, two beers
and three straws, please.

Hi, Laverne. Hi.

Ooh, that's pretty. Thank you.

Couldn't get a date, huh?

Well, I got half a date.

Um, uh, Squiggy's
gonna let me share his.

When he's all through with her,

I get to drive her
back to Chicago.

That's me.

Hey, Lenny, those beers!

Okay, they're coming.

Lenny!

Hi.

Woo! Wooo!

Oh! Uh-mm-mm!

Uh-mm! Uh-mm!

Boy, am I thirsty, Shirl.

Would you do me a favor and get
me a beer? Well, why don't you...

Make it a double, why don't
you. Well, why don't you...?

You better get a pizza,
too; and wait for it.

Put everything on
it and just wait for it.

That's a pal!

Oh, boy.

Hi, Ernie. Hi, Laverne.

Where's the homecoming king?

Home.

Uh, he had the mumps, so, uh,

so I brought Warren instead.

Yeah, well, I guessed
that, but this is...

Hi, Warren.

Hi.

Don't I know you from somewhere?

Maybe we dated.

No, I'd remember that.

Well, maybe it
was... Eraserhead!

Warren Eraserhead
Spiegel from high school.

The one and only.

All right! It's not ready
yet, but it will be in a minute.

Get back in there
and wait for it!

Go ahead, get back in!

Wait! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go ahead! Go ahead!

That's it... get in there!

Ah, that's a lovely tie, Warren.

Um, uh, Ernie, why
don't you take Warren

into the men's room and
fix his tie Men's room...?

And get him out
of... Ditch the hat!

He's wearing the same
suit from high school.

Oh, you poor thing.

Whoo!

Shirl, you know what your
date's going to like about you best?

Huh?

Your great sense of humor. Yeah?

Yeah, and that
wonderful smile you have.

Let me see that smile.

Yeah, there it is.

And keep it there because
Ernie just got here...

What happened to it?

Come on, let me see that smile.

Put it on, 'cause here
comes the funny part, Shirl.

Your date is... Eraserhead!

Well, no need for
introductions. Let's eat.

Hi, Shirley Feeney.

Can I have all your pizza?

Oh, Laverne!

I don't want Carmine to
see me with Eraserhead!

What am I going to do?

Well, uh, his skin's cleared up.

Oh! Goodness gracious! I, gee...

All right, calm down.
Okay. All right...

I've got a plan.

I'll be with Ernie, and
you be with Eraserhead.

What, are you crazy?!

What are you...? Shirl!

Ooh! No... CARMINE: Hi, girls.

Hey, Shirl, gonna
introduce me to your date?

No, I don't think so.

Aah! Um... What
she means is, uh,

that her date is so... unusual,

uh, that, uh, she doesn't want
to share him with anybody.

That's right. That's right.

Warren is so
intellectually stimulating...

Hey, Eraserhead,
good to see you!

Eraserhead from high school!

Hi, Carmine.

You're not gonna take my
milk money again, are you?

No, no, no, no.
I'm glad to see you.

You're looking good.

So you're the new man
in Shirley's life, huh?

Shirl, I said I was sorry.
Please don't move out.

Aw, don't worry, Laverne.
I'm not moving out.

I just got to get
rid of everything

Carmine ever gave me.

You know, sort of make
a clean break of things.

Those are mine.

No, but Carmine once shook them.

Give me my things...

Just throw them away, Laverne.

They remind me... They're mine!

Carmine really gave
you some beautiful stuff.

I know.

Why don't you just go
upstairs and make up with him?

Why don't I just go upstairs?

I'll tell you why...

'Cause he's not
home yet, that's why.

4:00 in the morning

and that man is
still out carousing.

Well, how do you know that?

How do I know?

'Cause I've been sitting
up here by the window,

watching for him to come home.

No sign of Carmine, no
sign of Bubbles Schneck.

Oh, Laverne, I'm so
miserable, my heart is breaking.

Hi. What are you
doing up so late?

We're having a party,
that's what we're doing!

The fellas just
left, didn't they?

Yeah... Woo-hoo!

Oh. Well, all right. Good night.

'Night, Carmine.

Good night, Shirl.

See you around?

Yeah, well, you know,
it's a big town out there.

Have it your way.

He wanted to make up with you.

I didn't hear him say that.

Well, how could you?

You had a lampshade
on your head.

You know, you're both crazy?

And you're acting ridiculous.

I don't need this.

Carmine, get in here!

You get over here and you...

What do you want?
Just get in here.

Close the door so the
neighbors don't get a free show.

Now, you stand here,
and you stand here.

Now look at each other.

Look at each other.

Look at him.

Well, there it is. I did it.

I got you two back
together again.

Don't you both feel better, huh?

I'm going to sleep.

Well, talk to each other.

I gotta do everything.

What are you doing
with all this stuff?

I'm just getting rid of some
old memories, that's all.

This is the stuff I won
for you at the carnival.

I know.

Pinwheel.

Yeah.

Kewpie doll, remember that?

Yeah, you had to
throw baseballs.

Yeah.

And the hat.

I knocked a guy
in the water for this.

Oh, yeah. Three
times, you tried.

Yeah.

Oh, and these. Yeah...
Pick a prize. Yeah.

Either those or
the clattering teeth.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yellow was always
your color, too.

Ah... Oh... A big
cigar. A big cigar.

I'll always remember
you like this, Shirl.

Listen, Shirl, uh...

I wish I knew what
to do about us.

I mean, we could say
we won't date anybody

except each other.

But if we do that
before we're ready...

we could be miserable
the rest of our lives.

That's a very wise
observation, Carmine.

I mean, that's a very
smart thing to say.

Sure you think
it's a smart thing.

You gave me the exact
same speech two years ago.

Well, it sounds a lot
smarter coming from you.

Can we go back to
seeing each other?

Yeah, I'd like that.

I mean, why should
we let two rotten days

spoil two wonderful years?

Especially when you're
crazy about somebody.

Are you crazy about me?

Well...

Oh, no, that's not exactly
what I meant to say.

What I meant to
say was that I...

I'm crazy about you too, Shirl.

Oh, Laverne, isn't life
great when things work out?

I feel so happy... so peaceful.

Great, you're up!

Francine, I'd like you to
meet your new roommates...

Laverne and Shirley. Oh...

Yeah, I, I can't drive
her back to Chicago

on account of I swallowed
the keys to the truck.

All right, just go
straight in there,

you'll find the bedroom,

pick out a bed you
like and lie down...

Boys...

Get out of here and
take her with you...

Hey, be neighborly, will ya?

I mean, if you was in a pinch,
we'd let you bed down with us.

And that's a promise, babes.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪