Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 5 - The Quiz Show - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

You think Flubbadub
is gonna be here?

What, are you out of your mind?

Does this look like
Doodyville to you?

No, I guess not.

Ooh, oh, it's blue,
just like I guessed.

Just like I guessed
It's beautiful.

You're on me,
Carmine, you're on me.

- I didn't see you.
- Hold it, hold it, hold it.

It doesn't look like
we're all gonna fit here.

You're right. Good,

then you boys'll just have
to find places elsewhere.

Right down here, Squig,
come on. Not you, Carmine.

Carmine. You
should sit with Shirley.

Come on. No, hey.

Don't take me.

I don't know.

Here, let's sit next to
the lady with the warts.

You know how
they drive me crazy.

You, too.

I bet they messed
up my hair already.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Carmine, you should
be sitting on the aisle.

You got us the tickets,
and you want to be picked

as a contestant, so sit on
the aisle. Yeah, that's right.

They always pick the guy
that's sitting on the aisle, really,

unless you're ugly,
of course. Well,

then you'd better sit on the
aisle 'cause you ain't ugly.

Oh, thanks. That's very nice.

Your hair's here. Oh...

Laverne.

Hmm?

Switch.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

So, Carmine, how're you
gonna get Chickie's attention,

huh? Don't worry. Don't worry.

I've been watching the
show since I was a little kid.

I know exactly
what I'm gonna do.

Well, what're you gonna do?

I got it all planned
out. Show us, show us.

Want to know what I'm gonna do?

Aww.

That'll get them...

But make sure your
head is up Like that?

When he comes up the aisle.
Wait, here comes Chickie now.

Oh, boy, look at him.

Does he have a lot of teeth.

Hi, there, Milwaukee.

I'm your host, Chickie Gale.

I don't hear you.

All right.

All right.

Hey, it sounds like a real
Chickie Gale audience tonight.

Hey, and we'll be starting
the show in a few minutes,

but you know while we're
here in your great city

of Milwaukee, we're
gonna be looking

for some real
hometown contestants.

So, who's ready to
be... Silly for Dollars?

No, Carmine, right here.

Yeah, well, well, well.

Well, you two look very unusual.

Are, are you good sports?

Uh, we're sitting through
this garbage, aren't we?

Hey, that's cute.

Listen, what do
you do for a living?

Well, right now
we're truck drivers

for the, uh, Shotz
Brewery Incorporated,

but that's, uh, till
we're rich and famous.

Well, maybe today's the day!

You ready to be
Silly for Dollars?

Not really.

How about you, Squiggy?
No, I don't, I don't...

These kids crack me up.

Come on, audience,
what do you say?

All right!

All right.

Come on. Come on.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Better do it, Lenny.

Eh, our public's beginning
to get on my nerves.

Yeah, me, too. All right.

Now just follow Irma,

our lovely song and prize lady,

and she'll show you everything.

Mm. All right.

Well, not quite everything.

You know, those look like
two very interesting young men.

But now let's see who else

we have to play
Silly for Dollars.

Come on, who's ready?

Who's ready? Right
here, right here.

Aw, come on.

Here we go. Come on.

Please pick Carmine,
please. You know something,

I think I've found
a contestant here.

How about you?

Whoa.

Whoa, how could I
say no to these two?

Right?

Come on down!

Okay, let's give a
Silly Dollars welcome

to our next contestants,

Mr. Andrew Squiggmann
and Leonard Koshwoski.

You fellas know how
to play the game?

What? You fellas know
how to play the game?

Yeah, yeah. You ask us the
question, and then we answer to you.

Now, you know, if you
answer this question correctly,

you'll win a prize.

If not, in order
to win that prize

you're gonna have to
do one of our zany stunts.

A zany one. Yes.

Are you ready?

No.

Okay, I'm ready now.

O... okay.

Whoa.

Well, here's your
Silly Dollar stumper.

Stumper? Stumper.

How long does it take
for a moth egg to hatch?

24 days.

While we're waiting...
Did you say 24 days?

Eh, 24 days is the
average prostration period

for a baby moth.

Well, that's absolutely right!

Well... whew!

Certainly wasn't
a stumper today.

Hey, you boys certainly
know your moths.

Ah, on a first-name basis.

Yeah, there's, there's,
there's Barbara,

Debbie, and Joe Ann.

Christine... Well,
then here comes...

whoa, boys, now here comes Irma

to tell you exactly
what you've won.

♪ Da da da da da da... ba! ♪

You answered your question
so cooly and so calmly,

here's your prize,
a giant salami!

It's a dream come true!

You know, the funny thing is,

we've been saving
up for one of these.

Oh, well, hold on, boys.

Chickie isn't going to let you
go away from this show unhappy,

so I'm gonna give
you an opportunity

to trade in that salami

for something bigger
and something better.

Irma!

No, no, Irma's mine.

But you could win this entire

living room ensemble.

We gotta live here?

Yeah, I mean, this
place is a mess.

Yeah.

No, you don't have to
live here, but if you win,

all this furniture will
be yours to take home.

No, no, no, no thanks.

No... No, no, this
is all wrong for,

for, for us. I mean,

it's a little bit,
uh, tooty-fruity.

So, if it's all the
same with you,

we're gonna take
the salami. Yeah.

And, uh, God bless you

for the wonderful
work that you're doing.

Well, thank you, Bye, everyone.

Mr. Squiggmann, Mr. Koshwoski.

Koshwoski. Uh, Koshwoski.

Whew.

Ha, whoa, boy,

I told you they'd be
interesting young men

and they certainly were.

Now let's see how
our next contestants do.

Let's give another
Silly Dollar welcome

to Laverne DeFazio
and Shirley Feeney.

Shirl, they love us.

They just love us,
I can't believe it.

Here we are on TV.

I can't believe
it, I'm so excited.

Give me a prize.

Oh, ho, ho.

No, no, no.

You haven't answered
your question yet.

What do you girls
do for a living?

Ah, that's an easy question.

We're bottle cappers
at the Shotz Brewery.

Okay, give me a prize.

Aren't they fun?

Do you know how
to play the game?

Okay, well, here's
your question.

Who played the
piano in Casablanca?

Casablanca, that's
Shirley's favorite film.

She'll know the answer.

Who's the piano player?

Liberace! Good answer!

Good answer! That's incorrect.

You idiot!

It was Dooley Wilson.

I knew it all the time.

I knew it all the time. Oh, now,

girls, girls, don't worry.

We're gonna give you
a chance to win a prize

if you complete the stunt

we've chosen especially for you.

Aw, especially for us.

Yes. You're working girls

so you know what it's like
to get dressed in a hurry.

Oh, yes. Well,
your stunt will be...

to put on all the clothes
in these two suitcases

in two minutes.

Oh, well, that doesn't
sound too tough. Ooh.

Well, there is a little catch.

You're gonna have
to dress each other.

Oh, we've done that.

I sprained my arm once...

While blindfolded!

Oh, no. We've never done that.

Okay.

Let's put the girls next to
their respective suitcases.

There you go, Laverne.

Okay, here we go. - Thank you.

Get us on your mark, get set.

All right, on your mark,

get set, get dressed!

Where are you, Shirl?

Right here!

Give your right foot!

There it is, there it is!

Okay, get it, get, it!

In the hole, in the hole!

There we go, there we go.

All right, here's your slip!

Here's your slip, right there!

Come on, come on!

Okay! Okay!

Oh, okay.

I got something.

No, I... Hello!

I got it!

All right, all right, put it on!

There, your arm!

You have 60 seconds.

Okay, what do you got?!

I got a dress, I got a dress!

There you go! There
you go! Okay, okay!

Okay!

Okay!

Earmuffs, earmuffs,
I got earmuffs!

I got earmuffs, I got earmuffs!

Okay, there.

What do you got? A hat!

Okay, Come on.

Over here, come
on, I got a... Okay.

Over here. There you go.

You have ten seconds.

There's two more things.

Okay.

Stop the clock!

We've got two winners!

All right.

How about that?

What'd we win? What'd we win?

Well, now, here is Irma

to tell you exactly
what you've won.

♪ Da da da da
da da... da. ♪ Irma.

You did so good and
were, oh, so sweet,

you win a trip down
Appliance Street.

Oh, boy, : Appliance Street!

Yes, girls.

Now, girls...

Okay, wait a minute, girls,

girls, girls, now I want you
to look them over and decide

whether you want the oven
or the appliance potpourri.

Potpourri! Potpourri!

This way, girls,
right over here.

Oh, where? Where?

Right over there. Oh!

Laverne! There you
go, watch your foot.

Watch Chickie's floor.
Watch it, watch it, watch it.

Look at this. Oh!
An oven, Shirl!

An oven!

We could really use an oven

'cause ours stinks from grease.

She's kidding, America.

No, I'm not. Okay,
your answer please.

Decide, decide.
Look, look at the...

and look at this beautiful
electric carving knife...

Aww... Oh, we lost 'cause...

No, girls, you didn't lose.

That was our lucky buzzer.

The lucky buzzer!

Come on.

Oh, oh! What?

Oh, you girls
certainly are perky.

Yes.

Now listen, tomorrow

you're gonna come
back and tell us

if you're willing to trade in
your trip down Appliance Street

for another stunt

that would take you on a
trip to the World of Luxury.

The World of Luxury!

Think it over, girls.

Meanwhile, this is Chickie Gale,

saying hoping you at home

will join Laverne
DeFazio, Shirley Feeney

and let's all be Silly
for Dollars tomorrow.

Yes, yes! Come on.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Bye-bye.

You were so cute on TV today.

Thank you.

I was on TV once. Really?

Yeah, I got rid of my third
husband on Divorce Court.

You aired your dirty
laundry on television?

They gave me a toaster.

Now that does ease
the pain, doesn't it?

Pop, I can't wear this.

Sure you can.

When you go on TV,
all I want you to do

is mention the Pizza Bowl.

Yeah, well, look, I'll try
to slip it in somewhere,

but I ain't wearing this getup.

Would you look at
this? Who gave you that?

Okay, so don't wear the hat.

Frank, help the girls.

They're trying to
decide what to do.

You tell them about the
World of Luxury. Forget it.

You get an oven, learn to cook,

then you'll grab a guy.

I'm supposed to go
up to a guy and say,

"Psst, I got an oven, come marry
me"? What's wrong with that?

Frank, you are a grump.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Now, it's our decision,

and when the time comes,

we will make the choice.

Poppy! Poppy! Poppy!

Everybody's a winner
on Be Silly for Dollars.

And speaking of winners,
let's welcome back

our lovely bottle cappers
from the Shotz Brewery,

Laverne DeFazio
and Shirley Feeney.

Thank you. Hi, Chickie.

Hi, it's nice of you
to have us back,

and it's nice to see
you and see Irma

and all you wonderful
folks out there in TV land

who've let us into
your living rooms again.

I love you. I love you all.

Isn't she a bundle of fun?

Hey, how do you feel, Laverne?

We want the oven.

Oh, well, if you have
your heart set on the oven,

there's nothing Chickie can do.

But first let me show
you some of the things

you'll be missing in
the World of Luxury.

Oh, don't show me, please
don't show me. Please, please...

Okay, these could be yours

in the World of Luxury.

Let's let the girls
try them on for size.

Oh, Shirl, Shirl.

This is the second
best thing I've ever felt.

Yes, that's a
full-length, genuine,

ranch-dyed mink coat.

Oh, they're beautiful!
They're just beautiful!

Are alterations included?

Oh, Shirl, just
think how we'd look

when we go down
to the Pizza Bowl

located on Kent
and Knapp Streets.

Take a pie home.

Yes, but who would wear a mink

without a tiara?

Oh! Not me! I wouldn't.

I wouldn't. Not me!

Yes, rhinestones,
rhinestones, rhinestones,

and one small diamond.

Where? Where?

There's more.

Oh, please, no more,
my heart. Oh, please, no.

You would've worn
this entire ensemble

to Paris, France.

Paris, France! Paris, France!

But since you girls

have your hearts
set on the oven...

Oh, forget the crummy oven!

We'll eat in Paris!
Yes! Oui, oui.

Oui, oui. They're
gonna go for luxury!

Let's hear it! All right!

Well, by now you girls
are probably wondering

what your stunt is going to be.

Yeah, we figured, uh,
yeah, what're you gonna

blindfold us and then
we paint each other?

No, that's not bad.

No, in order to win
the World of Luxury,

your stunt is the cake toss.

Well, what's everyone going

"Ooh, not the cake toss" for?

Well, that's because
they've seen it.

Let me explain how
the game is played.

You'll take turns

throwing the cakes
over the high bars.

Your partner catches the cake

and puts it on
the winners' table.

When the time is up,
you must have caught

three cakes between you.

Hey, let's make it a
little more interesting.

Let's tie the girls
back-to-back.

How do you like it, Laverne?

I hate it. Okay.

Well, let's put the girls
next to the cake table.

We'll set the clock.

We'll set the clock
at two minutes.

All right. All right.

Get ready. Okay.

And... toss your cake!

Okay! Okay!

Shirl, what is this?!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We'll stop the clock.

I think we've got a little
bit of confusion here.

Okay. Okay.

Ready? Let's go! Here we go.

Toss your cakes.

You got the cake? Let's go!

To the bar! To the bar!

Okay! Okay! Okay!

There we go.

All right, you've
got plenty of time.

Plenty of time.

All right.

Ready? Ready? Yes.

That's one! That's one!

That's one!

Okay, good, two more to go.

Two more.

Okay, and... Oh...
come on, girls.

Come on. Get up.

Over to the table.

Plenty of time. Plenty of time.

Okay! All right!

Okay.

Go on!

Get back over there.

Get back over there.

Come on, sports,
here we go. Come on!

Two more to go...
Okay, that's two.

That's two.

Okay! One more to go.

One more. One more!

One more! Come on!

Come on! Come on! All right.

Okay! Back to the table.

You've got ten seconds.

Ten seconds... Oh!

Aw, girls.

Your time is up.

No! No!

I'm sorry, but wait a minute.

Wait a minute, girls.

Girls, we have a
surprise for you.

What is it? You know...

You know how Chickie sometimes

hides a little cash for
contestants to find?

That's in the cake!

It's in the cake!

If Chickie had hid some cash,

it certainly wouldn't
have been in the cakes.

But we've got some
lovely parting gifts.

What? Huh?

Bring it right out.

We've got... Pasta Roni!

Yes!

$25 worth of Pasta Roni!

Pasta Roni?!

Hey, but you got a chance
to play the game and you

certainly were good sports
about the whole thing.

Wait a second!

Just wait.

Wait!

Look.

We'll be right back
after this message.

I don't understand why you taped

the car keys to your thigh.

Because I didn't
want to lose them.

But you did lose them.

That's because of all
that tussling around.

They gotta be around
here somewhere.

Okay, okay.

Gee, look at this.

Anyway, you know perfectly well

why we didn't win. Why?

Because we were willing

to wear a living thing.

A tiara?

No, not a tiara, a mink.

A mink, a little-bitty
brown-eyed mink.

All right, I'll grant
you, they're rodents.

But they are one of God's
innocent, living creatures.

And do you know how they get

the fur off of those
poor little things?

Oh, Shirl, that's
not why we lost.

We lost 'cause we were greedy.

We made fools of ourselves

for a bunch of
crumby Pasta Roni.

I hate Pasta Roni.

Everybody hates it.

It's a bad noodle.

Hey, here they are. Where?

I found them. Okay, good.

No, don't lick
them off the floor!

Well, you don't
want to lick them.

Will you look at this mess?

I ain't cleaning this up.

Oh, let's get out of here.

They'll probably
want us to clean it up.

Hey! Hey you were
the two that, uh,

thought there was
money in the cakes.

Yeah... Oh, dear...
Oh, you were great.

Hey, listen, I have seen
every one of these shows,

and believe me, you
two were the best.

Hey, you're celebrities.

I wouldn't be a bit surprised
if you started getting letters

from people all
over the country.

Yeah? Really?

You think they'd ask
for our autographs?

Oh, maybe they would.

Maybe they'd start a fan club.

And besides,

you've got all that
delicious Pasta Roni.

Yeah... You like it?

I love it!

Then you've got it. Sure!

No. Well, no...

No, no, no, we insist.
Take it, come on.

You take it from us. Go ahead.

From us as a remembrance of us.

Oh, uh, by the way,
would you like me

to autograph one of those boxes?

No.

You know, come to
think of it, Laverne,

I guess we did
look pretty silly.

You know, diving
into those cakes

thinking there was
money in them.

Yeah, and if Chickie
was gonna hide money,

he wouldn't hide
them in the cakes.

He would've hid them in the...

Pasta Roni!

Mister! Yoo-hoo!

Laverne. How's it going outside?

I've never seen nothing like it!

One mention of the
Pizza Bowl on TV and I got

30, 40 guys waiting
outside to come in here.

Boy, Muffin, you're a genius!

Well, it was your idea.

Yeah, I'm a genius.

What is that?

Well, it's, uh... it's, uh...

it's an ugly, bad
lopsided pizza crust.

I try to teach you a trade.

Let me have that.

Grab one of these things.

Now, put it down.

Now use the heel of
your palm, and go, "Hip."

Go like that, "Hep, one, two."

Like that! Come on! Come on!

Do it! Do it! Let me see.

That's it. Do it! More!

With the palm! With
the palm! With the palm!

Harder! Harder! Harder!

I'll tell ya, this...

Oh, Pop, can't we open
up for lunch now? It's noon.

Yeah, sure, we got
enough pizza here.

Go ahead. We'll open up now.

And we'll make lots
of money and, boy,

that's gonna be some day.

♪ I'm in the money,
I'm in the money ♪

♪ De-de de-de de
da-da bup da de-de... ♪

Pop? ♪ I'm in the money... ♪

You know that crowd of people

that used to be outside?

What do you mean "used to be"?

We're rich! We're rich!

We're R-I-T-C-H, rich!

Ah, boy, we sold 42
salami sandwiches

in ten minutes. Mm-hmm.

It's amazing. Absolutely.

The people outside
were starving.

Those are my
customers waiting outside!

And that's my money!

Get them, Pop!
I'm gonna get them!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪