Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 4 - The Robbery - full transcript
Laverne's new man Jake is exciting, but that excitement turns to danger when he forces her to help rob a store. Shaken up, she begs Shirley to help rid her of him. Jake won't have it, but can they get him to surrender to police?
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mmm...
Maybe you should go
upstairs and take a cold shower.
Not another one.
No, no, not another one.
My water bill was 88
bucks last month, Shirl.
Oh, Carmine... No,
no, not another one.
Oh, Carmine, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
I know there are women
who are different, but...
frankly, I don't know any girls
who would just let a
guy crawl all over them.
I bet you he doesn't
have to take a cold shower.
Are you going to be here long?
All evening. I live here.
Laverne... What?
Laverne, I'm not having fun.
Okay, upsy-daisy, big fella.
Come on.
Come on, Shirl, get out of here.
What do you mean,
get out of here?
I live here and I...
Hey, baby, let's go
in the other room.
Ah-ah-ah-ah, I'm going
to be going in there later.
Hey, way to go, Carmine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, watch
what you say about her, huh?
What is she, a nun?
Did you hear what he said?
He wanted to know
if you were a nun.
Come on, let's go
make out in my car.
Why don't they go in the car?
Because Shirley gets carsick.
Hey, Carmine,
if you ever want any
real action, I'll fix you up.
Yeah, right, you dirty...
I hate that guy!
I hate him, I hate him,
I hate him, I hate him.
I hate him, I hate him!
I forgot the car keys.
Oh, here you go.
There they are. Thanks.
Have a nice time.
I hate him, I hate
him. Oh, I hate him!
I hate him, I hate
him, I hate him,
I hate him, I hate him!
Why don't you tell Laverne
she shouldn't be
going out with Jake?
The guy's a hood.
I know that, Carmine.
I know that, but, you see,
sometimes Laverne and I
have this parent-child
relationship.
Which one are you?
I'm the parent.
Laverne is the
spoiled, bratty child.
Now if I tell Laverne
that this guy is no good,
that'll make her
like him all the more,
just to get my goat,
you understand?
Sometimes you
just can't tell people
what they shouldn't do.
I hope this is one
of those times.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-mm.
Hi.
Going out with Jake again?
Oh, you bet I am.
What time is he picking you up?
Aw, he's too cool
to pick me up, Shirl.
See, I just go down
to Sedgwick Avenue,
and plant myself there.
And then he comes barreling
around the corner, slows down,
and then I jump on the
back of his motorcycle.
Slows down and everything, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, how do I look?
Okay, huh? Oh,
yeah, you look terrific.
I like the green scarf.
Oh, thanks.
You know, Laverne... Hmm?
If you thought long enough,
I'll bet you'd have to admit
that Jake has a couple
of little odd quirks.
What quirks?
Oh, for instance, like,
turning people upside down
to watch the blood
rush into their face.
Yeah, well, that's
why he's so cool.
You see, he does what he
wants, he takes what he wants,
and everybody is afraid of him.
Now, you see?
You see, that sounds
like you're describing...
oh, Attila the Hun.
I think I know what
you're saying about Jake
and I think it's really crummy.
Sometimes it's very
tough being a parent.
I tried to put it in nice terms
so I wouldn't
hurt your feelings,
Laverne, but let's face it,
when it gets right down
to it, Jake is a scuzburger.
Don't you ever call him that.
Just 'cause he turned a
few people upside down.
Every single person he turned
upside down had it coming.
Sister Mary Theresa?
That was just a rumor.
And that's not the point.
The point is, he's good to me.
And he treats me better
than any guy has in...
and we have fun together,
and he gives me presents.
Like what?
Like this beautiful necklace.
Brass knuckles?
He gave you brass knuckles?
It's not the gift,
Shirl, it's the thought.
It's kind of nice, you know.
Not everybody could
wear a pair of these.
Boy, you really know
how to take the fun out
of everything, don't you?
You know, that's your problem.
I don't even think you
know how to have fun.
Oh, is that a laugh!
I love fun.
I'm the queen of fun.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? And what
about three weeks ago
when those two guys
wanted to take us
on a fun day to
the stock car races,
but, no, you didn't want to go.
Why? Because you were chicken.
Oh, that's not the point.
The point is, I do not go
out with total strangers.
Oh, come on, Shirl,
they were Terri Butafuco's
cousin's brother's friends.
Well, if they were that close,
why didn't we just marry them?
That's not the point.
What is the point?
The point is...
that if you were
the queen of fun,
how come Carmine has to
take so many cold showers
that his fingers are all pruney?
Heh?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
And who else knows
about those showers?
Everybody knows,
the whole world knows.
They're all calling
him Pruney Ragusa.
I mean, just face it, Shirl,
you're just afraid.
You're afraid of fun,
you're afraid of guys,
you're afraid of doing
anything different.
Good night, Shirl.
Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah...
Oh, don't make me laugh!
Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!
Oh, ho, ah...!
Afraid of fun.
Afraid of guys.
Afraid of anything
different, huh?
All right, we'll see.
Hello, Carmine... could
you come down here?
Ten minutes?
All right.
See you then, Angel Body.
You have taken
your last cold shower.
Come in, you debonair playboy.
What do you say, Angel
Face, how are you doing?
Look, I got the, uh...
Wow, you look great.
Thank you.
And so do...
What happened to you?!
Oh, well, uh, uh,
there's a clogged pipe
in my apartment and
Mrs. B. asked me...
Oh, no!
No, no... It's all
right, it's all right.
A little dirt never
hurt anything.
You see, Carmine...
I thought, tonight, you and
I could have a good time.
Oh, sure, I'll go fix the pipe
and we'll go see a
movie or something.
Wait a minute.
When I say "a good time,"
I mean...
a really good time.
Do you mean that?
Yes.
You and me?
Mm-hmm. A good time?
The best time.
Maybe you should
wash up a bit first.
Okay. Wait a minute.
You can use our shower.
I can... your shower?
Oh, and Carmine... What's that?
It doesn't have to be cold.
I'll be with you in a
minute, Angel Face.
Your little love
kitten is waiting,
you great big tiger, you.
I'm drying as fast as I can.
This is going to be a night that
we won't soon forget, Carmine.
Shirl?
Please, God, please
don't let it be her.
Not tonight.
Tonight's the big one.
Shirl, I'm in real trouble.
Oh, Laverne, please,
you don't under...
Laverne, what's the matter?
You're shaking like a leaf.
What's wrong? I
don't know what to do.
What is it? What happened?
Did something happen with Jake?
What is it, what happened?
Tell me. I'm so scared.
Tell me, calm down and tell me.
Now, what happened?
Nothing can be that
bad. What happened?
I... I... I just robbed
a grocery store!
Here you go. Here you go.
Sit down. Blow.
All right, now calm down
and tell me what happened.
Okay. You know Seidel's
Grocery on Tenth Street?
Yeah, the old man with
one tooth, Mr. Seidel, right.
Yeah. Well, Jake
and I, we were there...
Okay, love kitten, here
comes your big tiger!
No, no. No, no, no, no.
All right, okay. All right.
I'll handle it. I'll handle it.
Is she leaving?
No, you are. I...
Come on. Come on.
Come on. It's an emergency.
It's an emergency,
Carmine, really.
It's been a lovely evening
and we'll get together
and do it again
sometime, all right?
I know what it is.
I know what it is!
God's testing me, right?
God's testing me. I know.
Tell me, Laverne,
why would you hold
up a grocery store, huh?
I didn't plan it, Shirl.
Jake and I were out
having a good time,
and he wanted to
go buy some beer,
so we went to the grocery store.
And the next thing I
know, he comes out of there
with a big bag of money,
and people are
pointing and screaming,
and I lost my necklace.
Oh. Well, then you
didn't know that,
that he was gonna rob the store.
Of course not.
But people saw me there, Shirl.
I mean, I was the only
one wearing one of these.
I'm gonna go to jail, ain't I?
No!
No, you're not
going to go to jail.
Jails are for
murderers and perverts.
Hello.
Did you hear what happened
down at Seidel's grocery store?
No!
They was robbed.
Right between the eyes.
Yeah.
Is Mr. Seidel okay?
Yeah, yeah, the
old coot's just fine.
He lost his tooth, though.
Yeah.
He's offering a $200
reward for any info leading
to the suspection of
the crumbs who done it...
or the return of his tooth.
Calm down a little bit.
Uh, did, uh, anyone
get a description
of the culprit?
No, no, that's
the terrible part.
They couldn't get a
description of the culprit,
but they did get a description
of the cheap, floozy bimbo
what was with him.
Anyway, I think
we just about got
the reward money sewed up.
Yeah, that's right.
Thanks to this new secret
clue we done found ourselves,
we'll break this case wide open.
Wide open. Mm-hmm, wide open...
What do you know?!
Tell her to lay off of me!
Come on!
I don't care if you beat me
with your rubber hosiery,
I ain't saying nothing!
I ain't talking until
this case is closed
or at least we find a
woman whose foot fits this.
The old Cinderella angle.
The brewery, there's
somebody there.
Oh, did you hear that?
What am I gonna do?
I mean, they had a
description of me down to a T;
a cheap floozy bimbo.
Okay, there's just one thing
to do, that's all.
Just one thing.
What?
Right, right, call the airport.
Get me out of town.
I'll live in Italy with
my deported aunt.
Hello, Operator,
get me the police.
The police?!
What are you, crazy?!
I mean, what do you want?
Is it the reward, is that it?
Do you want the reward?
No, what are you talking about?
Well?
Listen, Laverne, if you
go to the police right now,
tell them the whole story,
they're gonna know
you're innocent.
Okay. I got it.
Uh-huh.
I'm gonna go to
Jake's and warn him.
Give him a chance to
turn himself in, okay?
Then I'll go to the police.
No, Laverne, wait a minute!
Did he warn you he was
going on a crime spree?
Shirl, I know this may be
hard for you to understand,
but you don't rat on
someone you necked with.
You're right.
I don't understand that.
But if you say so,
I'll go along with it.
Good, you got to
trust me on this one.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I'm going with
you. Okay, hurry up.
Wait a minute. Here, put
that on. Disguise yourself.
Somebody might have
recognized you, you never know.
Can you tell it's me?
Not now.
Come on. I'll drive.
I know where he
lives. No, I'll drive.
Turn around, up
the stairs, go on.
Up the stairs, up the
stairs. That a girl, that a girl.
Who is it?
It's me, Laverne.
Come on in, baby.
No, I can't stay, Shirl's
waiting for me down in the car.
And I need to tell
you something, Jake.
What, are you upset you didn't
get your share from
the holdup, huh?
Would you shh?!
What's the matter with you?
You want the whole
building to hear?
Oh, the neighbors
don't care what I do.
They're just happy I don't
turn them upside down.
Oh, yeah, your little quirk.
Here, here, go buy
yourself a big hairdo.
Oh, no, no, no, big
hairdos make me look fat.
You want Mr. Seidel's tooth?
Oh, no, I don't think so.
I don't got room
for it, you know?
Uh, about the robbery, Jake...
Yeah, the robbery, it
worked like a charm.
I figure we can
rob grocery stores
all over the place,
maybe even up in Canada.
Nah, that's not
such a good idea.
Uh, they got different
money up there.
It would be confusing, you know?
Good thinking, good thinking.
All right, there's plenty
of places around here.
Grocery stores, liquor stores,
gas stations... Police stations.
You want to hold
up a police station?
Laverne, you're
gutsy! Come here!
What a woman. A police station!
Well, see, Jake, I don't
have time for this, you see.
I really just came down
here to see your apartment...
You have some
lovely things here...
Uh, and to tell you that, uh...
I think you ought to turn
yourself in to the cops
and if you don't,
I will. Good-bye.
Stop!
Get over here.
Well, I was just
going to go out there...
Get over here!
Go down there and...
You ain't goin' to the cops.
No? No.
'Cause if you do, I'll tell them
you planned the job with me.
But that's a lie.
Yeah? So my nose will grow.
Boy, am I a jerk.
They all told me.
They all said you were no good,
but I couldn't get it
through the cement.
Yeah, you're lucky
I went out with you.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I was so thrilled
that a guy like you
would go out with me
that I forgot to notice
that you were a bum.
And I'm getting out of here.
Shirl, quick, call the police!
Shirl, roll down your window!
Shirl, quick, call the police
and have them
come right over here!
You shouldn't have done that.
Oh, your little birdie
picture's crooked.
I'm gonna have to
put you under wraps.
Look, Jake, why don't you
prove that I'm wrong, huh?
Why don't you go
turn yourself in, huh?
Give back the tooth.
You got enough
teeth of your own.
Please?
Get me down off here.
I got to have time
to get out of here!
Yeah? Well it's a little
late for that, buster,
because when I yelled out
that window, Shirl heard me
and she's on the way to the
cops right now, so you've had it.
Laverne?
Laverne, I couldn't
understand a word...
What are you doing up there?
Jake put me here.
Hello.
Hello...
I better put you
both out to dry.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm frightened
of heights, you see.
I really can't... No,
no, please, Jake.
Please, no, no, no,
no. Please, really, really.
Now look, girls,
I got to go pack.
I don't want to hear
a word out of you,
and that goes for you too, wimp.
Let's keep personalities
out of this, shall we?
Well, we've got
to get out of here.
Well, what do you suggest I do?
Flap my arms real hard
and head toward the window?
Well, just try to
get to the door.
Can you make any headway?
No, I can't make any headway!
Okay, I got a better idea.
All right.
There's a chair
over there. Yeah?
Okay, try to get me to it.
I almost got it!
Okay, you got it! You got it!
No, you don't got it.
Okay, okay, all
right, calm down.
Okay, I got it. This
isn't gonna work.
Okay.
What, what, what?
Let's just try to
jump off these hooks.
All right. Okay.
On your mark, get set... jump!
Are we down?
No.
Who is it?
Come in! Come in!
Carmine!
Carmine! Carmine!
Thank goodness you're here!
Jake put us up here.
You know, it's a good thing
I followed you, you know?
I mean, not that I
had much choice.
I mean, my keys are
in my pants pocket
and my pants were
in your bathroom.
It's a very interesting story,
but get out of my
way, sweet feet.
You ain't going nowhere, pal!
It's not easy being
tough in this outfit.
Carmine, Carmine!
I don't have time to fight
you, Mr. Fuzzy Slippers.
Ow!
Carmine, don't just
stand there, go after him!
Go after him,
quick, quick, quick!
You know, it's not easy
running in these slippers.
Carmine, go after him!
And then call the police!
And then get us down from here!
That probably should
have been first, shouldn't it?
Hi, Shirl.
Oh, hi, Laverne.
How was your
little visit to prison?
Oh, Jake is a real
sweetheart now.
A bunch of bigger guys
turned him upside down.
And now he has a whole
new outlook on things.
And he made me a present.
Another present?
Yeah.
A little license plate
with my name on it.
How sweet. See?
Well, at least he's
learned a trade.
Yeah.
Oh, you know, the next
time I go down there,
you should come with me.
His cellmate is so cute.
No, no, no. No,
no, no, no, no...
Just your type, an
accountant. Really?
Right this way,
ladies and gentlemen,
for the next stop on the famous
"Criminals of Milwaukee" tour.
Right here, please. Right here
you will see desperadoes
in their actual flesh.
A profile might be good.
All right, all right,
enough of this.
Now if you'll please enter
the bedroom. Thank you.
If you'll please
enter the bedroom,
you will see where
their underwear lives.
What?!
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mmm...
Maybe you should go
upstairs and take a cold shower.
Not another one.
No, no, not another one.
My water bill was 88
bucks last month, Shirl.
Oh, Carmine... No,
no, not another one.
Oh, Carmine, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
I know there are women
who are different, but...
frankly, I don't know any girls
who would just let a
guy crawl all over them.
I bet you he doesn't
have to take a cold shower.
Are you going to be here long?
All evening. I live here.
Laverne... What?
Laverne, I'm not having fun.
Okay, upsy-daisy, big fella.
Come on.
Come on, Shirl, get out of here.
What do you mean,
get out of here?
I live here and I...
Hey, baby, let's go
in the other room.
Ah-ah-ah-ah, I'm going
to be going in there later.
Hey, way to go, Carmine.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, watch
what you say about her, huh?
What is she, a nun?
Did you hear what he said?
He wanted to know
if you were a nun.
Come on, let's go
make out in my car.
Why don't they go in the car?
Because Shirley gets carsick.
Hey, Carmine,
if you ever want any
real action, I'll fix you up.
Yeah, right, you dirty...
I hate that guy!
I hate him, I hate him,
I hate him, I hate him.
I hate him, I hate him!
I forgot the car keys.
Oh, here you go.
There they are. Thanks.
Have a nice time.
I hate him, I hate
him. Oh, I hate him!
I hate him, I hate
him, I hate him,
I hate him, I hate him!
Why don't you tell Laverne
she shouldn't be
going out with Jake?
The guy's a hood.
I know that, Carmine.
I know that, but, you see,
sometimes Laverne and I
have this parent-child
relationship.
Which one are you?
I'm the parent.
Laverne is the
spoiled, bratty child.
Now if I tell Laverne
that this guy is no good,
that'll make her
like him all the more,
just to get my goat,
you understand?
Sometimes you
just can't tell people
what they shouldn't do.
I hope this is one
of those times.
Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Mm-mm.
Hi.
Going out with Jake again?
Oh, you bet I am.
What time is he picking you up?
Aw, he's too cool
to pick me up, Shirl.
See, I just go down
to Sedgwick Avenue,
and plant myself there.
And then he comes barreling
around the corner, slows down,
and then I jump on the
back of his motorcycle.
Slows down and everything, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, how do I look?
Okay, huh? Oh,
yeah, you look terrific.
I like the green scarf.
Oh, thanks.
You know, Laverne... Hmm?
If you thought long enough,
I'll bet you'd have to admit
that Jake has a couple
of little odd quirks.
What quirks?
Oh, for instance, like,
turning people upside down
to watch the blood
rush into their face.
Yeah, well, that's
why he's so cool.
You see, he does what he
wants, he takes what he wants,
and everybody is afraid of him.
Now, you see?
You see, that sounds
like you're describing...
oh, Attila the Hun.
I think I know what
you're saying about Jake
and I think it's really crummy.
Sometimes it's very
tough being a parent.
I tried to put it in nice terms
so I wouldn't
hurt your feelings,
Laverne, but let's face it,
when it gets right down
to it, Jake is a scuzburger.
Don't you ever call him that.
Just 'cause he turned a
few people upside down.
Every single person he turned
upside down had it coming.
Sister Mary Theresa?
That was just a rumor.
And that's not the point.
The point is, he's good to me.
And he treats me better
than any guy has in...
and we have fun together,
and he gives me presents.
Like what?
Like this beautiful necklace.
Brass knuckles?
He gave you brass knuckles?
It's not the gift,
Shirl, it's the thought.
It's kind of nice, you know.
Not everybody could
wear a pair of these.
Boy, you really know
how to take the fun out
of everything, don't you?
You know, that's your problem.
I don't even think you
know how to have fun.
Oh, is that a laugh!
I love fun.
I'm the queen of fun.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? And what
about three weeks ago
when those two guys
wanted to take us
on a fun day to
the stock car races,
but, no, you didn't want to go.
Why? Because you were chicken.
Oh, that's not the point.
The point is, I do not go
out with total strangers.
Oh, come on, Shirl,
they were Terri Butafuco's
cousin's brother's friends.
Well, if they were that close,
why didn't we just marry them?
That's not the point.
What is the point?
The point is...
that if you were
the queen of fun,
how come Carmine has to
take so many cold showers
that his fingers are all pruney?
Heh?
That's for me to know
and you to find out.
And who else knows
about those showers?
Everybody knows,
the whole world knows.
They're all calling
him Pruney Ragusa.
I mean, just face it, Shirl,
you're just afraid.
You're afraid of fun,
you're afraid of guys,
you're afraid of doing
anything different.
Good night, Shirl.
Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah...
Oh, don't make me laugh!
Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah!
Oh, ho, ah...!
Afraid of fun.
Afraid of guys.
Afraid of anything
different, huh?
All right, we'll see.
Hello, Carmine... could
you come down here?
Ten minutes?
All right.
See you then, Angel Body.
You have taken
your last cold shower.
Come in, you debonair playboy.
What do you say, Angel
Face, how are you doing?
Look, I got the, uh...
Wow, you look great.
Thank you.
And so do...
What happened to you?!
Oh, well, uh, uh,
there's a clogged pipe
in my apartment and
Mrs. B. asked me...
Oh, no!
No, no... It's all
right, it's all right.
A little dirt never
hurt anything.
You see, Carmine...
I thought, tonight, you and
I could have a good time.
Oh, sure, I'll go fix the pipe
and we'll go see a
movie or something.
Wait a minute.
When I say "a good time,"
I mean...
a really good time.
Do you mean that?
Yes.
You and me?
Mm-hmm. A good time?
The best time.
Maybe you should
wash up a bit first.
Okay. Wait a minute.
You can use our shower.
I can... your shower?
Oh, and Carmine... What's that?
It doesn't have to be cold.
I'll be with you in a
minute, Angel Face.
Your little love
kitten is waiting,
you great big tiger, you.
I'm drying as fast as I can.
This is going to be a night that
we won't soon forget, Carmine.
Shirl?
Please, God, please
don't let it be her.
Not tonight.
Tonight's the big one.
Shirl, I'm in real trouble.
Oh, Laverne, please,
you don't under...
Laverne, what's the matter?
You're shaking like a leaf.
What's wrong? I
don't know what to do.
What is it? What happened?
Did something happen with Jake?
What is it, what happened?
Tell me. I'm so scared.
Tell me, calm down and tell me.
Now, what happened?
Nothing can be that
bad. What happened?
I... I... I just robbed
a grocery store!
Here you go. Here you go.
Sit down. Blow.
All right, now calm down
and tell me what happened.
Okay. You know Seidel's
Grocery on Tenth Street?
Yeah, the old man with
one tooth, Mr. Seidel, right.
Yeah. Well, Jake
and I, we were there...
Okay, love kitten, here
comes your big tiger!
No, no. No, no, no, no.
All right, okay. All right.
I'll handle it. I'll handle it.
Is she leaving?
No, you are. I...
Come on. Come on.
Come on. It's an emergency.
It's an emergency,
Carmine, really.
It's been a lovely evening
and we'll get together
and do it again
sometime, all right?
I know what it is.
I know what it is!
God's testing me, right?
God's testing me. I know.
Tell me, Laverne,
why would you hold
up a grocery store, huh?
I didn't plan it, Shirl.
Jake and I were out
having a good time,
and he wanted to
go buy some beer,
so we went to the grocery store.
And the next thing I
know, he comes out of there
with a big bag of money,
and people are
pointing and screaming,
and I lost my necklace.
Oh. Well, then you
didn't know that,
that he was gonna rob the store.
Of course not.
But people saw me there, Shirl.
I mean, I was the only
one wearing one of these.
I'm gonna go to jail, ain't I?
No!
No, you're not
going to go to jail.
Jails are for
murderers and perverts.
Hello.
Did you hear what happened
down at Seidel's grocery store?
No!
They was robbed.
Right between the eyes.
Yeah.
Is Mr. Seidel okay?
Yeah, yeah, the
old coot's just fine.
He lost his tooth, though.
Yeah.
He's offering a $200
reward for any info leading
to the suspection of
the crumbs who done it...
or the return of his tooth.
Calm down a little bit.
Uh, did, uh, anyone
get a description
of the culprit?
No, no, that's
the terrible part.
They couldn't get a
description of the culprit,
but they did get a description
of the cheap, floozy bimbo
what was with him.
Anyway, I think
we just about got
the reward money sewed up.
Yeah, that's right.
Thanks to this new secret
clue we done found ourselves,
we'll break this case wide open.
Wide open. Mm-hmm, wide open...
What do you know?!
Tell her to lay off of me!
Come on!
I don't care if you beat me
with your rubber hosiery,
I ain't saying nothing!
I ain't talking until
this case is closed
or at least we find a
woman whose foot fits this.
The old Cinderella angle.
The brewery, there's
somebody there.
Oh, did you hear that?
What am I gonna do?
I mean, they had a
description of me down to a T;
a cheap floozy bimbo.
Okay, there's just one thing
to do, that's all.
Just one thing.
What?
Right, right, call the airport.
Get me out of town.
I'll live in Italy with
my deported aunt.
Hello, Operator,
get me the police.
The police?!
What are you, crazy?!
I mean, what do you want?
Is it the reward, is that it?
Do you want the reward?
No, what are you talking about?
Well?
Listen, Laverne, if you
go to the police right now,
tell them the whole story,
they're gonna know
you're innocent.
Okay. I got it.
Uh-huh.
I'm gonna go to
Jake's and warn him.
Give him a chance to
turn himself in, okay?
Then I'll go to the police.
No, Laverne, wait a minute!
Did he warn you he was
going on a crime spree?
Shirl, I know this may be
hard for you to understand,
but you don't rat on
someone you necked with.
You're right.
I don't understand that.
But if you say so,
I'll go along with it.
Good, you got to
trust me on this one.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I'm going with
you. Okay, hurry up.
Wait a minute. Here, put
that on. Disguise yourself.
Somebody might have
recognized you, you never know.
Can you tell it's me?
Not now.
Come on. I'll drive.
I know where he
lives. No, I'll drive.
Turn around, up
the stairs, go on.
Up the stairs, up the
stairs. That a girl, that a girl.
Who is it?
It's me, Laverne.
Come on in, baby.
No, I can't stay, Shirl's
waiting for me down in the car.
And I need to tell
you something, Jake.
What, are you upset you didn't
get your share from
the holdup, huh?
Would you shh?!
What's the matter with you?
You want the whole
building to hear?
Oh, the neighbors
don't care what I do.
They're just happy I don't
turn them upside down.
Oh, yeah, your little quirk.
Here, here, go buy
yourself a big hairdo.
Oh, no, no, no, big
hairdos make me look fat.
You want Mr. Seidel's tooth?
Oh, no, I don't think so.
I don't got room
for it, you know?
Uh, about the robbery, Jake...
Yeah, the robbery, it
worked like a charm.
I figure we can
rob grocery stores
all over the place,
maybe even up in Canada.
Nah, that's not
such a good idea.
Uh, they got different
money up there.
It would be confusing, you know?
Good thinking, good thinking.
All right, there's plenty
of places around here.
Grocery stores, liquor stores,
gas stations... Police stations.
You want to hold
up a police station?
Laverne, you're
gutsy! Come here!
What a woman. A police station!
Well, see, Jake, I don't
have time for this, you see.
I really just came down
here to see your apartment...
You have some
lovely things here...
Uh, and to tell you that, uh...
I think you ought to turn
yourself in to the cops
and if you don't,
I will. Good-bye.
Stop!
Get over here.
Well, I was just
going to go out there...
Get over here!
Go down there and...
You ain't goin' to the cops.
No? No.
'Cause if you do, I'll tell them
you planned the job with me.
But that's a lie.
Yeah? So my nose will grow.
Boy, am I a jerk.
They all told me.
They all said you were no good,
but I couldn't get it
through the cement.
Yeah, you're lucky
I went out with you.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
I was so thrilled
that a guy like you
would go out with me
that I forgot to notice
that you were a bum.
And I'm getting out of here.
Shirl, quick, call the police!
Shirl, roll down your window!
Shirl, quick, call the police
and have them
come right over here!
You shouldn't have done that.
Oh, your little birdie
picture's crooked.
I'm gonna have to
put you under wraps.
Look, Jake, why don't you
prove that I'm wrong, huh?
Why don't you go
turn yourself in, huh?
Give back the tooth.
You got enough
teeth of your own.
Please?
Get me down off here.
I got to have time
to get out of here!
Yeah? Well it's a little
late for that, buster,
because when I yelled out
that window, Shirl heard me
and she's on the way to the
cops right now, so you've had it.
Laverne?
Laverne, I couldn't
understand a word...
What are you doing up there?
Jake put me here.
Hello.
Hello...
I better put you
both out to dry.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm frightened
of heights, you see.
I really can't... No,
no, please, Jake.
Please, no, no, no,
no. Please, really, really.
Now look, girls,
I got to go pack.
I don't want to hear
a word out of you,
and that goes for you too, wimp.
Let's keep personalities
out of this, shall we?
Well, we've got
to get out of here.
Well, what do you suggest I do?
Flap my arms real hard
and head toward the window?
Well, just try to
get to the door.
Can you make any headway?
No, I can't make any headway!
Okay, I got a better idea.
All right.
There's a chair
over there. Yeah?
Okay, try to get me to it.
I almost got it!
Okay, you got it! You got it!
No, you don't got it.
Okay, okay, all
right, calm down.
Okay, I got it. This
isn't gonna work.
Okay.
What, what, what?
Let's just try to
jump off these hooks.
All right. Okay.
On your mark, get set... jump!
Are we down?
No.
Who is it?
Come in! Come in!
Carmine!
Carmine! Carmine!
Thank goodness you're here!
Jake put us up here.
You know, it's a good thing
I followed you, you know?
I mean, not that I
had much choice.
I mean, my keys are
in my pants pocket
and my pants were
in your bathroom.
It's a very interesting story,
but get out of my
way, sweet feet.
You ain't going nowhere, pal!
It's not easy being
tough in this outfit.
Carmine, Carmine!
I don't have time to fight
you, Mr. Fuzzy Slippers.
Ow!
Carmine, don't just
stand there, go after him!
Go after him,
quick, quick, quick!
You know, it's not easy
running in these slippers.
Carmine, go after him!
And then call the police!
And then get us down from here!
That probably should
have been first, shouldn't it?
Hi, Shirl.
Oh, hi, Laverne.
How was your
little visit to prison?
Oh, Jake is a real
sweetheart now.
A bunch of bigger guys
turned him upside down.
And now he has a whole
new outlook on things.
And he made me a present.
Another present?
Yeah.
A little license plate
with my name on it.
How sweet. See?
Well, at least he's
learned a trade.
Yeah.
Oh, you know, the next
time I go down there,
you should come with me.
His cellmate is so cute.
No, no, no. No,
no, no, no, no...
Just your type, an
accountant. Really?
Right this way,
ladies and gentlemen,
for the next stop on the famous
"Criminals of Milwaukee" tour.
Right here, please. Right here
you will see desperadoes
in their actual flesh.
A profile might be good.
All right, all right,
enough of this.
Now if you'll please enter
the bedroom. Thank you.
If you'll please
enter the bedroom,
you will see where
their underwear lives.
What?!
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪