Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 3 - Playing the Roxy - full transcript
Shirley's read of stripper Roxy LaToure. Her later fall down the steps and head blow,cause her to become Roxy. Len and Squig take advantage,hiring her to 'dance' at a Teamsters party. Laverne must save Shirley's honor before all's revealed.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Get out here and eat
your breakfast, Laverne.
Your Rice Krispies
are getting awfully quiet.
Who cares about
that? Listen to this.
"So there I stood,
I, Roxy LaTour,
"a humble girl from
Hackensack, stripping in front
of the crowned heads of Europe."
Are you still reading
that trashy article
about that stripper?
You ought to be reading
classics like Jane Eyre.
Jane Eyre was a nut.
"Oh, Roxy," the Prince moaned,
as his hand moved
gently yet swiftly toward..."
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
It's disgusting, it's
a disgusting article.
Especially the part with
the French Foreign Legion.
French Foreign
Legion? Where's that?
Page 52, right near the end.
Oh, let me see, let
me see. Oh, I can't wait.
They say the next installment's
even more disgusting.
Really?
I'm going to go
see if the mail came.
Will you underline the
hot parts for me, please?
Hold it.
You're not going outside
in your underwear, are you?
This is a slip.
The whole neighborhood
will be gawking at you.
You think so?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Finish your article,
finish your breakfast.
I'll go get the mail, okay?
Aw, gee thanks, Shirl.
What are you doing?
I'm covering up.
Oh, I hate to be the one
to break this to you, Shirl,
but those pajamas ain't
exactly gonna drive men wild.
I treat my body as
a temple, Laverne.
You have chosen to treat
yours as an amusement park.
My body's not amusing.
Now where was I?
The sweaty Legionnaires.
Oh, boy, that Roxy
sure can write.
"The Legionnaires were
sweaty, but magnificent.
"They hadn't seen a
woman for six months.
The desert sun had turned
them into raving sex fiends."
Hello.
What do you think?
Speechless, huh?
Uh, do you have
to feed those hats?
Ha-ha.
Har-de, har-har-har.
Do not mock the sacred
headgear of our lodge.
That's right.
They don't accept
just anybody into
"The Fraternal
Order of the Bass."
It takes a very, very
special kind of man.
Well, I'm sure not
everyone looks good
with fish on their heads.
Oddly enough, a very small
percentage of men do, yeah.
But anyway, we're going to go
to a big lodge
convention next week.
Can you imagine?
All the basses come
from all around the country.
We spend a week in
Chicago, do nothing but spawn.
Stay right there. I want
Shirl to see them hats.
Hey, Shirley, hurry
up with the mail!
Ah, you're gonna have
to yell a little bit
louder than that
because she ain't gonna hear you
on account of she's
taking a snooze
at the bottom of the stairs.
What? What are
you talking about?
Taking a snooze at the bottom...
Shirl? Shirl?!
Oh, she's out cold!
She fell down the steps.
Why didn't she say so?
Help me. Would you help me?
Easy, easy, easy.
Now look, there's a new doctor
right around the
corner. Go get him, fast.
All right. All right.
Well, what are you
standing there for?
This is a matter
of life and death!
Life and death?!
Life and death?!
Come on, Shirl, wake up.
Come on, wakie
uppie, wakie uppie.
Aw, gee, what is that
thing? What is that thing?
Uh, uh, starve a
fever, feed a cold.
Uh... keep them
walking if they're out cold!
That's it, Shirl! We got
to go for a little walk.
Little walk. Come on. Come on.
Upsy-daisy,
upsy-daisy. That's it.
One, two, three!
There we are. Let's walk
them little feeties. Come on.
Walk around, walk around.
There you go. Walk around.
Come on. There you go.
Maybe a little drink.
You want a little drink
of watie? Huh? Huh?
Stay right there.
Stay right there while I
get you a little drink of watie.
Ah! Stay there, will you?
I got to do everything
myself, Shirl.
You're not helping me at all.
Stand there...
and lean on the refrigerator.
Come on, Shirl!
There you go! Wake up!
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
All right, I'm okay, stop it.
Oh! Oh! Stop it.
I'm okay. Stop it.
Oh, boy, I'm so glad
to hear you talking.
When I saw you laying there,
I was afraid you were a goner.
I sent the boys for a doctor.
Well, you scared
the wits out of me.
You're such a klutz.
Here, wipe yourself off.
I'm exhausted; I
need some juice.
Now, how did I
end up in this dump?
What are you talking about?
This is our dump.
You picked out this dump.
Boy, oh, boy, I must have
really tied one on last night
to end up in a hole like this.
I haven't sunk so low
since I played Schenectady.
Who were you playing
with in Schenectady?
Hey, what's the matter?
You hurt your leg there?
You're walking funny.
Honey, this is the walk
that made me famous.
Where?
Everywhere.
Sweetheart, this is the
famous Roxy LaTour walk.
I get it; that's
real cute, Shirl...
Pretending you're Roxy LaTour.
Pretending?
Boy, that ticks me off.
Ten years I work, becoming
the best exotic dancer
in all North America or Egypt,
and some bimbo living
underneath a sidewalk
don't even recognize me.
Ha!
Who you calling a bimbo?!
And what are you mad at me for?!
It ain't my fault you
fell and hit your head!
North America or Egypt.
You really think you're
Roxy LaTour? Oh!
That's so sweet,
you're a fan, honey.
Well, let me give you a
thrill, I'll autograph it for you.
You got a pen or pencil handy?
Here we go.
Shirley?
To Shirley.
Laverne.
Laverne.
To Shirley Laverne.
I like that name.
You know, kid, you could
strip with a name like that.
Say, you, uh,
mind if I wet my whistle
a little before I leave?
No, no. Go ahead.
But you ain't going nowheres.
No offense, honey...
but I don't have to
stay in a dump like this
as long as I have this body.
What body?
What?
Oh, I gotta snap
her out of this.
Go ahead, drink
whatever you want.
You got anything harder?
Shirley?
You're nuts!
Sister, I'm getting
out of here. I'm nuts?!
You're the one that's crazy!
And you ain't going nowhere.
This way, Doctor!
This way, Doctor!
The little one, the
little one's the one.
The little one's the sick one.
She fell down and
she hit her head.
Yeah, right. Is there
anything we can do, Doctor?
Yeah, uh... have a lolly.
Yes, sir.
There she is, right
there, that's Shirley.
She hit her head, and now she's
Roxy and thinks she has a body.
Okay, don't worry about it.
Leave everything to me.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Doctor Schoenbroom.
Show it... like a broom.
I understand you
had a little accident.
It's just a hangover, Doc.
It never stopped
old Roxy before.
See what I mean...
Roxy, huh-huh?
Well, uh, I'll take
a look anyway.
Uh, I'll go get washed up.
Okay, the bathroom's
right back there.
And why don't you get undressed.
Show time!
Is Shirley all right, Doctor?
You shouldn't move
someone with a head injury.
That's it, I killed her.
No, no. Fortunately,
I think she's all right.
She's only experiencing
a fugue state.
Oh, what a relief.
What a relief... It's
only a fugue state.
What's a fugue state?
It's a minor personality change.
Oh... it could be brought
on by any number of things:
a bump on the head, or,
uh, psychological stress.
Oh, then what can
we do for her, Doc?
Well, nothing really.
Uh, something
simple will probably
bring her right out of it.
Uh, uh, a reminder
of her everyday life,
or an object or
event from the past.
Aw, she hasn't had
much of a past, Doc.
Yes. Well... she'll be
fine in a couple of days.
Meanwhile, I told her
she had to stay here.
Yeah, well how are we
going to keep her here?
Well, I convinced her she
was hiding from her fans.
Oh... Hey, he's smart.
That's why he's the doctor.
Have this prescription filled.
And if you need
anything else, just call me.
Oh, hey, thanks for coming, Doc.
Thanks a lot. You're a real lifesaver.
Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
I think I'll stop upstairs
and see if those two
guys need a sedative.
Probably filled
right down there.
Look, I don't know
what the big fuss is.
I can bring her
out of it in a minute.
How could she forget me?
Yo, Shirl!
Angel Face, can you
come out here a minute?
Hey, Roxy!
Yeah, sweetie?
Ha! You want to crack up?
You gotta...
You gotta a whole
set of these in there.
Not now. Not now... They say,
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...
I know. I know. There's
someone here to see you.
Well, well, well,
well, well, well,
well, well, well!
And who have we here,
big fella? Huh, huh?
Come on, you know
who it is, it's me, Carmine.
Ah! Have you felt
this guy's chest? Ah!
Oh! No, I'm not allowed.
Oh. Come here, come
here, come here, come here.
Come here, come
here, come here. Here.
Live a little.
Huh? Huh?
Huh?
Aw, look, this is no good.
My girlfriend
wouldn't like this.
Oh, you gotta girlfriend, huh?
I'll bet she's nothing
like me, is she?
Oh, you're not kidding.
I mean, no! No, no,
no, she's a lot like you.
She's a lot like you, only
she's entirely different.
Listen, I could dump her and
we could start dating if you want.
Carmine... I gotta
get going, Rox.
Uh... Shirley. I
mean, Ro... uh...
Listen, when you see Shirl,
would you say hello for me?
She's not bad, I
kind of like... Get out.
Whoo!
He is some beefcake, isn't he?
I bet he gets a
lot of action, huh?
Not around here, no.
Say, do you mind if I
close these windows?
I don't want my
fans looking in, huh?
No, go ahead.
So, uh, what's this
girlfriend of his like, anyway?
Oh, she's real nice.
Do you want to
see a picture of her?
Sure.
She look familiar to you?
Boy, she is some...
gorgeous broad, isn't she?!
Oh, this is worse
than I thought.
That is the best
sitting I ever seen.
Thanks, sweetie.
Someday I'll show you
how I climb the stairs.
Don't you feel like you've
been here before, huh?
Honey, I travel so much,
I don't know one dive
from the next, you know?
It's into town, off
with the clothes,
on to the next town.
The only thing I
remember is my act.
You know, my routines?
But you remember routines.
Every one I ever did.
How would you
like to see a routine
that me and my friend Shirl did
when we were in Junior High?
Sure, I'd love it Toots.
I'm always looking
for new stuff for the act.
Okay, watch real closely,
'cause it just might remind
you of something, you know?
Okay, uh... Today
is Mother's Day,
and we would like to do a salute
to mothers all over the world.
♪ "M" is for the million
things she gave me ♪
♪ "O" means only
that she's growing old ♪
♪ "T" is for the tears
she shed to raise me ♪
♪ "H" is for her heart
as pure as gold ♪
♪ "E" is for her eyes
with lovelight shining ♪
Sell it, honey.
♪ "R" means right and
right she'll always be ♪
Bring it home
now, bring it home!
♪ Put them all together,
they spell "Mother" ♪
♪ The word that means
the world to me. ♪
Huh? Huh?
Huh? Huh?
I like it. Yeah?
You do it in the nude, right?
You got to go to
work now, honey?
Yeah. Have a nice day.
Thank you.
Instead of sitting around,
why don't you clean up,
or make supper
or something, huh?
No, no, no, I can't do that.
I got to practice my act.
I'll just stay around here,
and I'll work on the
old bumps and grinds.
How does she do that?
She's got no hiney.
I know this!
Roxy!
Greetings and
salavations, my dear.
We brought a little record,
'cause we thought you might
want to, uh, dance upon it.
Yeah.
We, uh, we do hope you enjoy it.
It's all drums.
Wait a minute,
boys. Hold the phone.
Hold the phone. Roxy
don't do matinees.
I am itching to get
back to work, though.
Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it, hold it.
Say... do either one of you guys
know any clubs where I
could do my act, hmm?
Well... there's
the Boy's Club...
No, no, no, no, no.
I was thinking
more in terms of a...
Men's Club.
Men's club, men's
club, men's club...
There's the... the Bass Club.
The Bass Club!
Uh, we're giving a,
uh, uh, uh, uh, smoker...
tonight at, uh, 9:00.
Oh, great, I love smokers!
What's the pay like?
What's the pay like? Oh,
it's like any kind of pay.
You know, dollars and
cents, a little bit of change.
We-We'll put it
together somehow.
Because we want you real bad.
Okay, all right, boys, you
come up with the bucks...
and it's on for tonight.
Listen, now, we got
to figure out a way
to come up with the big bucks.
If ever we could use a
brain, now is the time.
I want to thank you
for providing the evening
entertainment, Minnow Squigmann.
Oh, well... well, there's, uh,
no need to thank me,
Royal Grand Bass, sir.
Uh, the smile on my face
will be reward enough.
Oh, good, good, good.
Well, then, let's get going.
There are a lot of
hungry fish out there.
Hungry fish.
Basses, sit!
I got this.
It's all right.
Get out of my way, would you?
If you don't mind,
I need this seat.
I know the girl.
Settle down.
My fellow fish... I salute you!
"Dear Shirley Laverne...
"those two sharp fellows from
upstairs got me a gig tonight.
"I'm taking it off
at the Bass Lodge.
"Drop by... there'll
be a lot of extra Bass.
I'm throwing back
the small ones. Roxy."
Sure, I work like
a horse all day,
and she's down there
taking off her clothes.
Shirley's taking
off her clothes!
And now... Miss Roxy LaTour!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Out of my way! Out of my way!
No ladies allowed.
Yeah? What do you call her?
She's no lady.
Stop, Shirley!
Stop! Stop!
You're going to pay for
that, buster, you know that!
Shirley! Shirley!
Laverne, how many
times have I said
don't go outside in your slip.
You want all the
neighbors to gawk at you?
Shirley? Yeah?
Is that you, really you?
Yes, what's wrong with you?
You're acting so strange.
I'll go upstairs, I'll get
the mail, you stay...
Shirley, look at yourself.
What?
Then look out there and smile.
Oh, my Lord. Don't panic...
Come back here,
you're not finished.
How could you do that
to her?! All right, baby!
You take it off!
Shirl, you're working on
your third jar of Noxema there.
Laverne, I've got
to get this rouge off.
The rouge came off ten
minutes ago... that's blood.
It's easy for you to say.
You didn't take your clothes
off in front of a lot of fish.
I'll never be able to
show my face again.
Oh, I don't think they'll
recognize your face.
Look, the doctor just said
that you were showing
another side of your personality.
Just that when you
started showing,
you really started showing.
That's very funny, Laverne.
Very funny.
You liked seeing me
like that, didn't you?
What?
You liked Roxy better
than me, didn't you? What?
You'd rather room with Roxy
than with me, wouldn't you?
No, I wouldn't.
Sure you would.
Then you could go
out nights and carouse,
and pick up strange men.
Well... Roxy wouldn't
be bad on the weekends.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Talk about your
fair-weather friends.
Aw, come on, Shirl, I don't
want to room with Roxy.
I want to room with you.
It's just that a
little bit of Roxy
wouldn't hurt you
none, you know?
Yeah, I guess I could
loosen up a little bit.
If I could only remember
what Roxy was like, you know?
Well, come on, you can remember.
Tell me, what did it feel like
to peel your clothes off
in front of a bunch
of total strangers?
Pretty good, huh?
No... no, I can't remember.
I just can't remember.
You can remember.
You can so remember!
Tell me, please!
You know what kills me, Laverne?
Lenny and Squiggy.
I mean, I never
thought much of them,
but this was low, even for them.
I mean, what kind of a guy
would take advantage
of a girl in my condition?
Roxy... I have returned.
Come here, you... you
hot, hunk of flesh, you.
Aren't you afraid
your girlfriend Shirley
will find out about this?
She's a child, you're a woman.
Oh, Laverne.
Hey, uh, why don't you go
to a movie or something, huh?
She knows she's Shirley.
It was a joke!
I knew it was you.
I was just kidding.
She'll never see me again.
I don't know if I'll ever be
able to forgive that man.
Oh, come on, he's got nice legs.
Gorgeous legs, gorgeous legs!
Did I tell you I
touched his chest?
You're not allowed.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Get out here and eat
your breakfast, Laverne.
Your Rice Krispies
are getting awfully quiet.
Who cares about
that? Listen to this.
"So there I stood,
I, Roxy LaTour,
"a humble girl from
Hackensack, stripping in front
of the crowned heads of Europe."
Are you still reading
that trashy article
about that stripper?
You ought to be reading
classics like Jane Eyre.
Jane Eyre was a nut.
"Oh, Roxy," the Prince moaned,
as his hand moved
gently yet swiftly toward..."
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
It's disgusting, it's
a disgusting article.
Especially the part with
the French Foreign Legion.
French Foreign
Legion? Where's that?
Page 52, right near the end.
Oh, let me see, let
me see. Oh, I can't wait.
They say the next installment's
even more disgusting.
Really?
I'm going to go
see if the mail came.
Will you underline the
hot parts for me, please?
Hold it.
You're not going outside
in your underwear, are you?
This is a slip.
The whole neighborhood
will be gawking at you.
You think so?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Finish your article,
finish your breakfast.
I'll go get the mail, okay?
Aw, gee thanks, Shirl.
What are you doing?
I'm covering up.
Oh, I hate to be the one
to break this to you, Shirl,
but those pajamas ain't
exactly gonna drive men wild.
I treat my body as
a temple, Laverne.
You have chosen to treat
yours as an amusement park.
My body's not amusing.
Now where was I?
The sweaty Legionnaires.
Oh, boy, that Roxy
sure can write.
"The Legionnaires were
sweaty, but magnificent.
"They hadn't seen a
woman for six months.
The desert sun had turned
them into raving sex fiends."
Hello.
What do you think?
Speechless, huh?
Uh, do you have
to feed those hats?
Ha-ha.
Har-de, har-har-har.
Do not mock the sacred
headgear of our lodge.
That's right.
They don't accept
just anybody into
"The Fraternal
Order of the Bass."
It takes a very, very
special kind of man.
Well, I'm sure not
everyone looks good
with fish on their heads.
Oddly enough, a very small
percentage of men do, yeah.
But anyway, we're going to go
to a big lodge
convention next week.
Can you imagine?
All the basses come
from all around the country.
We spend a week in
Chicago, do nothing but spawn.
Stay right there. I want
Shirl to see them hats.
Hey, Shirley, hurry
up with the mail!
Ah, you're gonna have
to yell a little bit
louder than that
because she ain't gonna hear you
on account of she's
taking a snooze
at the bottom of the stairs.
What? What are
you talking about?
Taking a snooze at the bottom...
Shirl? Shirl?!
Oh, she's out cold!
She fell down the steps.
Why didn't she say so?
Help me. Would you help me?
Easy, easy, easy.
Now look, there's a new doctor
right around the
corner. Go get him, fast.
All right. All right.
Well, what are you
standing there for?
This is a matter
of life and death!
Life and death?!
Life and death?!
Come on, Shirl, wake up.
Come on, wakie
uppie, wakie uppie.
Aw, gee, what is that
thing? What is that thing?
Uh, uh, starve a
fever, feed a cold.
Uh... keep them
walking if they're out cold!
That's it, Shirl! We got
to go for a little walk.
Little walk. Come on. Come on.
Upsy-daisy,
upsy-daisy. That's it.
One, two, three!
There we are. Let's walk
them little feeties. Come on.
Walk around, walk around.
There you go. Walk around.
Come on. There you go.
Maybe a little drink.
You want a little drink
of watie? Huh? Huh?
Stay right there.
Stay right there while I
get you a little drink of watie.
Ah! Stay there, will you?
I got to do everything
myself, Shirl.
You're not helping me at all.
Stand there...
and lean on the refrigerator.
Come on, Shirl!
There you go! Wake up!
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
All right, I'm okay, stop it.
Oh! Oh! Stop it.
I'm okay. Stop it.
Oh, boy, I'm so glad
to hear you talking.
When I saw you laying there,
I was afraid you were a goner.
I sent the boys for a doctor.
Well, you scared
the wits out of me.
You're such a klutz.
Here, wipe yourself off.
I'm exhausted; I
need some juice.
Now, how did I
end up in this dump?
What are you talking about?
This is our dump.
You picked out this dump.
Boy, oh, boy, I must have
really tied one on last night
to end up in a hole like this.
I haven't sunk so low
since I played Schenectady.
Who were you playing
with in Schenectady?
Hey, what's the matter?
You hurt your leg there?
You're walking funny.
Honey, this is the walk
that made me famous.
Where?
Everywhere.
Sweetheart, this is the
famous Roxy LaTour walk.
I get it; that's
real cute, Shirl...
Pretending you're Roxy LaTour.
Pretending?
Boy, that ticks me off.
Ten years I work, becoming
the best exotic dancer
in all North America or Egypt,
and some bimbo living
underneath a sidewalk
don't even recognize me.
Ha!
Who you calling a bimbo?!
And what are you mad at me for?!
It ain't my fault you
fell and hit your head!
North America or Egypt.
You really think you're
Roxy LaTour? Oh!
That's so sweet,
you're a fan, honey.
Well, let me give you a
thrill, I'll autograph it for you.
You got a pen or pencil handy?
Here we go.
Shirley?
To Shirley.
Laverne.
Laverne.
To Shirley Laverne.
I like that name.
You know, kid, you could
strip with a name like that.
Say, you, uh,
mind if I wet my whistle
a little before I leave?
No, no. Go ahead.
But you ain't going nowheres.
No offense, honey...
but I don't have to
stay in a dump like this
as long as I have this body.
What body?
What?
Oh, I gotta snap
her out of this.
Go ahead, drink
whatever you want.
You got anything harder?
Shirley?
You're nuts!
Sister, I'm getting
out of here. I'm nuts?!
You're the one that's crazy!
And you ain't going nowhere.
This way, Doctor!
This way, Doctor!
The little one, the
little one's the one.
The little one's the sick one.
She fell down and
she hit her head.
Yeah, right. Is there
anything we can do, Doctor?
Yeah, uh... have a lolly.
Yes, sir.
There she is, right
there, that's Shirley.
She hit her head, and now she's
Roxy and thinks she has a body.
Okay, don't worry about it.
Leave everything to me.
Hello.
Hi.
I'm Doctor Schoenbroom.
Show it... like a broom.
I understand you
had a little accident.
It's just a hangover, Doc.
It never stopped
old Roxy before.
See what I mean...
Roxy, huh-huh?
Well, uh, I'll take
a look anyway.
Uh, I'll go get washed up.
Okay, the bathroom's
right back there.
And why don't you get undressed.
Show time!
Is Shirley all right, Doctor?
You shouldn't move
someone with a head injury.
That's it, I killed her.
No, no. Fortunately,
I think she's all right.
She's only experiencing
a fugue state.
Oh, what a relief.
What a relief... It's
only a fugue state.
What's a fugue state?
It's a minor personality change.
Oh... it could be brought
on by any number of things:
a bump on the head, or,
uh, psychological stress.
Oh, then what can
we do for her, Doc?
Well, nothing really.
Uh, something
simple will probably
bring her right out of it.
Uh, uh, a reminder
of her everyday life,
or an object or
event from the past.
Aw, she hasn't had
much of a past, Doc.
Yes. Well... she'll be
fine in a couple of days.
Meanwhile, I told her
she had to stay here.
Yeah, well how are we
going to keep her here?
Well, I convinced her she
was hiding from her fans.
Oh... Hey, he's smart.
That's why he's the doctor.
Have this prescription filled.
And if you need
anything else, just call me.
Oh, hey, thanks for coming, Doc.
Thanks a lot. You're a real lifesaver.
Oh, you're welcome.
You're welcome.
I think I'll stop upstairs
and see if those two
guys need a sedative.
Probably filled
right down there.
Look, I don't know
what the big fuss is.
I can bring her
out of it in a minute.
How could she forget me?
Yo, Shirl!
Angel Face, can you
come out here a minute?
Hey, Roxy!
Yeah, sweetie?
Ha! You want to crack up?
You gotta...
You gotta a whole
set of these in there.
Not now. Not now... They say,
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday...
I know. I know. There's
someone here to see you.
Well, well, well,
well, well, well,
well, well, well!
And who have we here,
big fella? Huh, huh?
Come on, you know
who it is, it's me, Carmine.
Ah! Have you felt
this guy's chest? Ah!
Oh! No, I'm not allowed.
Oh. Come here, come
here, come here, come here.
Come here, come
here, come here. Here.
Live a little.
Huh? Huh?
Huh?
Aw, look, this is no good.
My girlfriend
wouldn't like this.
Oh, you gotta girlfriend, huh?
I'll bet she's nothing
like me, is she?
Oh, you're not kidding.
I mean, no! No, no,
no, she's a lot like you.
She's a lot like you, only
she's entirely different.
Listen, I could dump her and
we could start dating if you want.
Carmine... I gotta
get going, Rox.
Uh... Shirley. I
mean, Ro... uh...
Listen, when you see Shirl,
would you say hello for me?
She's not bad, I
kind of like... Get out.
Whoo!
He is some beefcake, isn't he?
I bet he gets a
lot of action, huh?
Not around here, no.
Say, do you mind if I
close these windows?
I don't want my
fans looking in, huh?
No, go ahead.
So, uh, what's this
girlfriend of his like, anyway?
Oh, she's real nice.
Do you want to
see a picture of her?
Sure.
She look familiar to you?
Boy, she is some...
gorgeous broad, isn't she?!
Oh, this is worse
than I thought.
That is the best
sitting I ever seen.
Thanks, sweetie.
Someday I'll show you
how I climb the stairs.
Don't you feel like you've
been here before, huh?
Honey, I travel so much,
I don't know one dive
from the next, you know?
It's into town, off
with the clothes,
on to the next town.
The only thing I
remember is my act.
You know, my routines?
But you remember routines.
Every one I ever did.
How would you
like to see a routine
that me and my friend Shirl did
when we were in Junior High?
Sure, I'd love it Toots.
I'm always looking
for new stuff for the act.
Okay, watch real closely,
'cause it just might remind
you of something, you know?
Okay, uh... Today
is Mother's Day,
and we would like to do a salute
to mothers all over the world.
♪ "M" is for the million
things she gave me ♪
♪ "O" means only
that she's growing old ♪
♪ "T" is for the tears
she shed to raise me ♪
♪ "H" is for her heart
as pure as gold ♪
♪ "E" is for her eyes
with lovelight shining ♪
Sell it, honey.
♪ "R" means right and
right she'll always be ♪
Bring it home
now, bring it home!
♪ Put them all together,
they spell "Mother" ♪
♪ The word that means
the world to me. ♪
Huh? Huh?
Huh? Huh?
I like it. Yeah?
You do it in the nude, right?
You got to go to
work now, honey?
Yeah. Have a nice day.
Thank you.
Instead of sitting around,
why don't you clean up,
or make supper
or something, huh?
No, no, no, I can't do that.
I got to practice my act.
I'll just stay around here,
and I'll work on the
old bumps and grinds.
How does she do that?
She's got no hiney.
I know this!
Roxy!
Greetings and
salavations, my dear.
We brought a little record,
'cause we thought you might
want to, uh, dance upon it.
Yeah.
We, uh, we do hope you enjoy it.
It's all drums.
Wait a minute,
boys. Hold the phone.
Hold the phone. Roxy
don't do matinees.
I am itching to get
back to work, though.
Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it, hold it.
Say... do either one of you guys
know any clubs where I
could do my act, hmm?
Well... there's
the Boy's Club...
No, no, no, no, no.
I was thinking
more in terms of a...
Men's Club.
Men's club, men's
club, men's club...
There's the... the Bass Club.
The Bass Club!
Uh, we're giving a,
uh, uh, uh, uh, smoker...
tonight at, uh, 9:00.
Oh, great, I love smokers!
What's the pay like?
What's the pay like? Oh,
it's like any kind of pay.
You know, dollars and
cents, a little bit of change.
We-We'll put it
together somehow.
Because we want you real bad.
Okay, all right, boys, you
come up with the bucks...
and it's on for tonight.
Listen, now, we got
to figure out a way
to come up with the big bucks.
If ever we could use a
brain, now is the time.
I want to thank you
for providing the evening
entertainment, Minnow Squigmann.
Oh, well... well, there's, uh,
no need to thank me,
Royal Grand Bass, sir.
Uh, the smile on my face
will be reward enough.
Oh, good, good, good.
Well, then, let's get going.
There are a lot of
hungry fish out there.
Hungry fish.
Basses, sit!
I got this.
It's all right.
Get out of my way, would you?
If you don't mind,
I need this seat.
I know the girl.
Settle down.
My fellow fish... I salute you!
"Dear Shirley Laverne...
"those two sharp fellows from
upstairs got me a gig tonight.
"I'm taking it off
at the Bass Lodge.
"Drop by... there'll
be a lot of extra Bass.
I'm throwing back
the small ones. Roxy."
Sure, I work like
a horse all day,
and she's down there
taking off her clothes.
Shirley's taking
off her clothes!
And now... Miss Roxy LaTour!
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Out of my way! Out of my way!
No ladies allowed.
Yeah? What do you call her?
She's no lady.
Stop, Shirley!
Stop! Stop!
You're going to pay for
that, buster, you know that!
Shirley! Shirley!
Laverne, how many
times have I said
don't go outside in your slip.
You want all the
neighbors to gawk at you?
Shirley? Yeah?
Is that you, really you?
Yes, what's wrong with you?
You're acting so strange.
I'll go upstairs, I'll get
the mail, you stay...
Shirley, look at yourself.
What?
Then look out there and smile.
Oh, my Lord. Don't panic...
Come back here,
you're not finished.
How could you do that
to her?! All right, baby!
You take it off!
Shirl, you're working on
your third jar of Noxema there.
Laverne, I've got
to get this rouge off.
The rouge came off ten
minutes ago... that's blood.
It's easy for you to say.
You didn't take your clothes
off in front of a lot of fish.
I'll never be able to
show my face again.
Oh, I don't think they'll
recognize your face.
Look, the doctor just said
that you were showing
another side of your personality.
Just that when you
started showing,
you really started showing.
That's very funny, Laverne.
Very funny.
You liked seeing me
like that, didn't you?
What?
You liked Roxy better
than me, didn't you? What?
You'd rather room with Roxy
than with me, wouldn't you?
No, I wouldn't.
Sure you would.
Then you could go
out nights and carouse,
and pick up strange men.
Well... Roxy wouldn't
be bad on the weekends.
Well, well, well, well, well.
Talk about your
fair-weather friends.
Aw, come on, Shirl, I don't
want to room with Roxy.
I want to room with you.
It's just that a
little bit of Roxy
wouldn't hurt you
none, you know?
Yeah, I guess I could
loosen up a little bit.
If I could only remember
what Roxy was like, you know?
Well, come on, you can remember.
Tell me, what did it feel like
to peel your clothes off
in front of a bunch
of total strangers?
Pretty good, huh?
No... no, I can't remember.
I just can't remember.
You can remember.
You can so remember!
Tell me, please!
You know what kills me, Laverne?
Lenny and Squiggy.
I mean, I never
thought much of them,
but this was low, even for them.
I mean, what kind of a guy
would take advantage
of a girl in my condition?
Roxy... I have returned.
Come here, you... you
hot, hunk of flesh, you.
Aren't you afraid
your girlfriend Shirley
will find out about this?
She's a child, you're a woman.
Oh, Laverne.
Hey, uh, why don't you go
to a movie or something, huh?
She knows she's Shirley.
It was a joke!
I knew it was you.
I was just kidding.
She'll never see me again.
I don't know if I'll ever be
able to forgive that man.
Oh, come on, he's got nice legs.
Gorgeous legs, gorgeous legs!
Did I tell you I
touched his chest?
You're not allowed.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪