Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 1 - Festival: Part 1 - full transcript

Laverne, Shirley, Frank and Edna travel to New York to visit Frank's mother and attend a street festival; they are joined there by Lenny and Squiggy (who hitchhiked).

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



The bus for New York will
be leaving in ten minutes.

Now, I think you should
go and get our tickets, huh?

That is supposed to
be your job, I thought.

No, no, no. My job is
saying good-bye to Carmine.

Hey... Okay, all right.

You collect it.

Oh, Carmine? Tour?
Thank you. Thank you.

Now, I have separated
each person's money

into pleasure accounts...

Would you just give me that?

Listen, Angelface, maybe
you should stay here

and help me run
the Pizza Bowl, huh?

Wouldn't that be more fun
than going to New York?

Now, Carmine, how can I put
this without hurting your feelings?

That's ridiculous.

I know, but I don't

want you to go. I know, too.

I don't really want to go.
I want you to stay here.

You're gonna be
going. I know, but

I'm gonna miss you, Carmine.

Carmine, I, uh...

I feel a little self-conscious
about doing this in a bus depot.

Yeah, you're right. Come here.

Oh, better. Yes, yes,
better. Huh? Yeah Oh, yeah..

Leaving Gate Six.

You don't look too happy.

Are you sorry I'm
coming with you?

I invited you, didn't I?

No, you didn't.

You kicked open my
apartment door and said,

"Hey, we're coming to New York."

Well, so far, that's
the best part of the trip.

What do you mean the best part?

You're going back to
your own old neighborhood

for-for the street festival

and for your mother's birthday.

My mother.

Oh, that's it.

That's it.

Oh, Frank, that's ridiculous.

A grown man being
afraid of his own mother.

Yeah, well, just
you wait and see

how she picks on me.

Wait till she sees
this moustache.

I think it's beautiful.

Beautiful, huh?

She'll try to pluck
it right off my lip.

She's still angry with me for
changing my name to Frank.

What was it before?

Fabrizio.

That's funny?

How'd you like a
rap on the mouth?

What's funny?

Oh, yeah. There's Laverne.

Hello in there.

See there?

Hello in there.

A telegram for you.

Carmine... Listen, Shirl,
we gotta talk to you.

Come on. Oh, stop it.

"Oh, Carmine, I love you so.

Oh, please protect
me from the..."

Stop it!

What do you want?

Do we have to want something?

Can't we just be friends?

No. No!

Well, in that case,
we want something.

Here. It's a list of presents

we want you to pick up
for us in New York City.

Yeah, and we want
some of them big apples.

Yeah, yeah.

If you get the chance, maybe
a menu from Hell's Kitchen.

Yeah, I'd like that.

I'm sorry, boys, but I won't
have time to be shopping

for your silly nonsense.

Oh, why?

You're gonna be too
busy shopping for guys?

Yeah, yeah. CARMINE:
Hey, hey, hey.

She ain't gonna
be looking for guys.

Well, the guys might just
be looking for her, Carmine.

I mean, she ain't that bad

once she fixes up her face.

Yeah, that way, you
don't notice the rest of her.

Excuse me, Squiggy dear.

Yeah, sweetie.

May I see this for a
moment? Thank you.

Yow!

Indian burn. Good form.

Hey, here's a quarter.

Go get yourself some candy.

Oh. Better get
some Butterfingers.

We can rub it on my arm.

Connecting
passengers to Allentown

and Philadelphia...

Okay, I got your ticket.

Hey, Shirl, we are
going first class...

A bus with a bathroom.

Ooh! 23 hours on a bus... A
bathroom is a very nice touch.

Well, we're all set.

Oh, wait.

Here's your ticket,
and here's yours, Pop.

Now we're all set.

Laverne!

Remember, when you see Grandma,

remember two things. What?

I taught you to speak Italian...

But you didn't. And
you're getting married.

But I'm not.

But I will.

New York bus now
boarding at Gate 12.

I'm excited! I'm excited!

Relax. Calm down.

I'm excited! We're going!

We're going! We're
going! We're going!

Good-bye, Carmine!

Do you have your glasses?
Do you have everything?

I can't believe it. Good-bye.

Come on!

Come on, Fabrizio.

Come here, Pop.

Here you go, here you go.

There you go. You got my finger.

I got it! I got it!
Let go of me.

Laverne, aren't you going
to say good-bye to us?

Yeah. Sure.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

Oh, Laverne, isn't it gorgeous?

Not bad for a bus.

No, I mean America.

Look at the purple
mountains' majesty,

the amber waves of grain.

Look how the bus
driver's winking at me.

Wow, look at the size
of that festival, Laverne!

What? That's Manhattan.

"That festival"...

Isn't that beautiful, Shirl?

Let's take a break
and go have a beer.

We'll come back later.

I wonder what kind of dumbbell's

gonna climb this
pole, Sunday, huh?

The third building
and the second floor

with those glass
behind it. Do you see it?

Uh-huh. I see it. I see it.

I see it. Stop!

Stop!

Here we are! Over here!

Oh, get them out
here. Okay, here.

You know, Laverne, I
think I packed all wrong.

My suitcase is so heavy.

I told you these stretch
thingamajigs here...

All right, how much
I owe you? $4.90.

$4.90, eh?

$4.90. What else?

Here's five dollars.
Keep the change.

Big spender.

Hey, everybody!

I'm here! I'm back! It's me.

Laverne, is that you?

Yeah!

Shut your mouth.

I love this neighborhood.

I'm gonna go see Mrs. Pellini.

Help her with the luggage.

What're you doing?
Give her a hand.

Oh, I'm all right.

Well, be real
careful with that one.

It's very heavy. It's mine.

Yeah, I am taller.

Oh, I'll take that stuff.

Come on, Frank, I'm
dying to meet your mother.

Yeah, but don't tell
her I got a moustache.

Maybe she won't notice it.

Oh, gee, thank you
so much, Mrs. Pellini.

I'll see you later, huh?

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
she still loves me.

Hey, Shirl, guess what.

Laverne, don't
ever leave me alone

in a big city like this again.

Mrs. Pellini gave me a present.

Uh-huh.

Which do you want?

The orange.

Okay, I'll give my
grandmother the potato.

She likes to play
Mrs. Potato Head.

Ahhh...

Come on, Mama.
Tell me, how do I look?

Ah, you're getting fat.

My granddaughter.

Where's my granddaughter?

She's outside with the festival.

I thought I'd come here
and be with you alone.

The greased pole. Come on.

Don't climb up there.

You want to get
all filthy dirty?

Come on!

No, it isn't greased yet.

They do that the last
night of the festival,

and then all these teams
try to climb up to the top.

Ah. Sounds thrilling.

It is, Shirl.

The winning team
wins a trip to Italy.

And you should see it.

They slip and slide all
the way up and down,

and some people fall

on each other's
heads and everything.

It's a real riot, Shirl.

Yeah, well, I came to New
York to see the Statue of Liberty,

the Staten Island
Ferry, museums...

Look, guys coming
to work on the pole.

On the other hand, who
needs dead dinosaurs, huh?

How do I look?
You look terrific.

Any lipstick on my teeth?

No, no, no. Do you
know Number Nine?

No, but I will. I
got dibs on him.

All right. Now don't hang me up.

I saw... Hey, Laverne, it's me.

It's Cousin Anthony.

Cousin Anthony?!

Hey! How you
doing? I can't... Oh...

I can't believe it. Look
how good you look!

You look the same.

Oh. What's this?

Oh, you... got your laughs,
got your laughs, got your laughs.

Who's she? Oh,
this is my best friend

in the whole wide
world, Shirley.

Anthony DeFazio, Shirley Feeney.

Shirley Feeney, Anthony DeFazio.

How do you do? How do
you do? How do you do?

I'd, uh, I'd shake your hand,
but I'm all greasy and sweaty.

I wouldn't want to mess you up.

You look so nice.
You messed me up.

You're family. She's... Oh,
what's a little dirt, you know?

All right. Hey,
Laverne, Laverne.

Is your father gonna
get a team together

for the greased pole
climbing contest this year?

My father, are you kidding?

With his back, every
time he drops a dime,

I have to pick it
up for him, right?

Yeah, he has back trouble.

All right, all right. Listen,

I gotta get back to work.

Uh, look, why don't you girls
go have some fun at the booths,

and I'll see you later at
Grandma's house, all right?

I got you last.

You!

I-I'll save you a seat.

All right.

He likes you. Oh, no.

You lucky dog. No...

He was cute when we were
little and used to play doctor.

Smut with relatives, Laverne.

Where will it all end?

Come on, let's go throw
some balls at the toilet seats.

No, I want to go to
the museum. Come on.

No, after the toilet seats.

Come on. Come on.

I bet you can't do this.

You're on.

Oh, there it is.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

I'm awful sorry.

There we go.

Oh! I'm sorry!

Oh!

Real good.

I did it! I did it!
I did it! I did it!

Okay, Whitey Ford, you win.

You want a fishing
rod or a teddy bear?

I definitely want
the fishing rod...

or the teddy bear.

Oh, uh... The fishing rod.

Yeah, Fabrizio
wrote me about you...

when he writes, once a year.

He's been very busy

with his own very highly
successful business.

Right. Bowling hall.

Pizza Bowl. Pizza Bowl.

I got pizza, I got
bowling, I got root beer,

and I got beer, beer, I
got all kind of beers, I got.

A grown man who
works as a soda jerk.

I was hoping you'd
be happy to see me.

Yeah, I was hoping so, too,
but then you walk in my house

with a-a-a m-monkey
foot on your lip.

Look at that.

Yeah, but, don't you think it
makes him look interesting?

He looks like an organ-grinder.

You're right, I hate it.

I like you, Edna.

She likes me, Frank.

Well, that makes one of us.

Come on, Edna, I show you
where you're gonna sleep.

You're gonna sleep
in Fabrizio's room, eh?

Ma! She can't sleep in my room.

We're not married.

I know that!

You're gonna sleep in
the bathtub, you bum!

Oh, the teddy bear. The te...

All right, I'll take
the fishing rod.

Will you just take it!

Okay, I'll take
the... teddy bear.

But she wants... No, teddy bear.

You're right, I'll take it.

Thank you, thank you.

He's so ugly, isn't he?

Yep.

Try to embarrass me
in front of everybody?

It's not embarrassing.

Do you smell that?
Do you smell that?

That's sausages!

Could I have two
sandwiches, please?

Oh, Laverne, I don't know
about having a sandwich.

I mean, those sausages
are less than attractive.

Hello.

What are you doing here?!
Please say I'm dreaming.

Yeah, yeah, that's right, it's
a dream come true, Laverne.

Huh. You see, we figured we
have nothing to keep us in Milwaukee

except our job
and our apartment.

People are staring at us.

Ooh... and just
how did you get here

pray tell? We hitched.

That's right.

And you managed
to arrive ahead of us?

Yeah. That was the strange part.

The more we stayed in
somebody's car, the faster they drove.

Carmine drove us
the fastest. Huh?!

Yeah, he gave us a head
start all the way to Indianapolis.

Why would Carmine do a
thing like that I don't know.

I don't know. So that
I could spy on you

so you don't fool around.

And if you do, I'll have
photographic evidence.

Why do you want to do
something like that anyway?

Because if I don't, Carmine
said he'd ruin my good looks.

No, I don't think
that's possible.

Thank you. I don't want
our friend to see us...

Will you please stop the
frammer-jammer, please?

Lenny and I are going downtown
to see where King Kong died.

Oh, good, good. That's good.

Oh, listen, could we
borrow your teddy bear? No.

Oh, please? Come on, I
hear that toys attract women.

Yeah, especially young women.

No, no, no, no!

Come on, come on. Do it for us!

All right, don't you
hurt him, though.

Yeah. Laverne?

- Shh! Shh! Shh!
- Laverne...

We'll see you tonight at your
grandmother's house for dinner.

She didn't invite you.

Not yet, she didn't invite us.

But once we get our
feet through the door,

who could say no
to these pusses?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey, Grandma!

Ooh, there's my baby!

Hi, it's nice to meet you.

A very nice house,
as neat as a pin.

Ooh!

Like a weed!

She just went up like a weed.

Oh, too many
desserts right there.

Oh, my cousin Mikey
does all her dental work.

There's a funny story
that goes along with that,

but well, anyway...
lollobrigida.

Lollobridgida... I don't
know about Lollobridgida,

but she's real proud
of those, you know.

Oh... I miss you so much.

Ah, she misses you, too, really.

Ah, Grandma, when you love
someone, you could kill them.

Eh, Laverne, who is
this skinny little girl?

An-and what is she
doing in my house?

Oh, oh, this is my best
friend in the whole wide world.

This is Shirley.

Ah, how do you do, Mrs. DeFazio?

It is a pleasure to meet you.

And may I say, that on my
mother's side of the family,

it is believed and rumored

that my great-great
uncle was Italian.

Hey, anybody want
any more sauce?

Had enough.

It's delicious.
That was terrific.

Whoo! Boy, oh, boy, what a meal.

I ate so much, my legs are full.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I feel like a beached whale.

Oh, I'll never walk again.

Say, could somebody
please pass me

some of that hard-boiled
eggplant over there.

What a good boy!

Why can't you be mine, huh?

Oh, come here, Grandma.

Let me help you clear the table.

Oh, you're such a
wonderful girl, Laverne.

I know, I know.

I'll also help you, Mama.

Just don't break nothing, eh?

Pick, pick, pick, pick, pick.

That's all she does
is pick, pick, pick.

So, uh, Shirley, you, uh,

want to go see the
fireworks with me tonight?

She hates it!

Ahh!

Somebody's gotta go
call Carmine tonight.

Yeah, yeah. I'll, I'll... wait,
okay, all right, all right, I will.

Just keep blinking, Anthony.

The spots will go
away in a minute.

Uh... say, Mrs. Grandma,

uh... I'd like to thank you

for, uh, uh, letting me
and Lenny eat with you.

I mean, it ain't often
we get to eat in public.

You, too.

Yeah, yeah, I am having fun.

No, I'm not seeing any guys.

Put Leonard through a minute.

Carmine, it couldn't be wor...

Do you mind? Do you mind?

I'm trying to have a
conversation here.

Yo, Carmine, Lenny here.

All right, Len, the truth.

Is she seeing other guys?

I don't think you got
anything to worry about.

If this thing with Anthony
gets past the puppy love stage,

I'll give you a jingle.

Okay? Bye-bye.

What do you mean "puppy love"?

What romance?

Hey, Len? Len? Hello?!

Hello?

Come on, Shirley, we
gotta get a good seat

on the stoop for the fireworks.

I'll help you, I'll
help you put that on.

It's all right. I got it.

I know this woman
backwards and forwards, pal.

Please leave me alone.
I got it. Let me help.

Please, please...
I'll tell you what.

It's such a warm night, I
don't even need a sweater,

but thank you anyway, Anthony.

That's all right.

Come on, come on...

Hey, look, if I give you a
quarter, will you go away?

Why would I go away from
somebody that's giving me money?

Yeah.

Hey, Shirley!

Look, look, isn't he cute, huh?

Oh, you look just like
Laverne when she was a baby.

Uh, I think I ate too much.

Could you please,
uh, bring me some rolls

to wash down my food with?

Well, don't worry, Grandma.

I'll come visit you next year,

and I'll know a lot of Italian.

I'll just go over to my
pop's house more often.

You don't live with your father?

No, no, I live with Shirley.

Fabrizio!

Fabrizio... come here.

Why she don't live with you?

This is how you raise
my granddaughter?

Look, you take her away from
New York, where she's happy,

and then you kick
her out of your house?!

You had to open
your big mouth, eh?

Eh, don't blame her.

Uh, wait a second, Grandma,
you don't understand.

See, Pop didn't kick
me out of the house.

I just moved out of his house

'cause... 'cause
she's getting married.

Yeah, that's right.

You getting married?

Who are you marrying?

Is he nice?

Is he Italian?

She's marrying, uh... him.

Oh...

You'd have to play along,
or you get no more food.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Yes, yes, we are
getting married.

As a matter of fact, we're
getting married to each other.

Why don't you stop being so shy

and give your expected
a warm, wet kiss.

Come on, come on,
come on, right now.

Come on, come on, right now

Come on, come on, right now

Come on, come on, right now

Come on, come on, right now.

Mm, mm, mm...

Mm...

Come on!

There are two things
I always wanted:

to see Laverne get married

and to see Italy again.

Why don't you see Italy again?

No, no, no, no.

We're gonna have the wedding
while the whole family is here.

Sunday, at the end of the feast.

Oh, great, I'm free.

Pop.

Daddy.

Mama, I'm gonna save up money,
and I'm gonna send you to Italy.

Ooh, I'm gonna go with
them on their honeymoon?

I show you everything.

Mama, there's
gonna be no wedding.

I lied.

Laverne don't
even like this guy.

Nobody does.

No wedding? No.

No Italy? No.

This is what you do to me?

You make fun of old lady?

Aww!

No, Mama!

I wanted to make
you proud of me.

Laverne marrying
somebody you like.

I'm gonna be proud of you

when you do something
to make me proud.

There's a lot of
people that like me.

Pop, Pop, come on,
Pop, she didn't mean that.

Yeah, yeah, Of
course, she didn't.

Come on, let-let's
go to the festival.

Yeah, well, you promised
to show me everything.

Yeah, we'll have a lot of fun.

You could go visit your friends.

Vinnie, Gonziolo, and go
throw bocce balls at each other.

You like that.

♪ ♪

And that is how Carmine
and Shirley finally met.

Leonard... Yeah?

Wouldn't you like to go away?

No, thank you very much.

Uh, what were we talking about?

Oh, yeah, how do
you like the shorts?

I want one of them balloons.

Uh, uh, a yellow
polka dot one, please.

Mm, thank you.

Will you hold this, please?

Uh, here.

There.

Hold on tight, while
I get my money.

You're spilling, you're
spilling. Here you go.

Out of my way! Out of my way!

Get away from me!
Get away from me!

Don't touch me! Leave me alone!

Please, lady!

Watch out! Watch out!

Watch out!

Free prizes for everyone!

Anyway, Carmine, this
guy Carmine, he's a dancer,

he's a boxer he's a musician.

He can move to music...

Hey, anybody see Laverne?

No.

Mm, stand still, stand still,

stand still, don't move!

Now what did you do?

Nothing. I just
bought a balloon.

Oh, boss! What did you
have to do to win the hat?

All I had to do was
leave the booth.

And don't call me "boss."

Hey, come on, they're
gonna start the fireworks.

Ooh... Ooh... ah...
ah... ooh... ooh...

ah... ah... What are you doing?

That's what people always say

when there's
fireworks. That's right.

But after they go off.

Ooh... Ah... Oh,
well, look at that!

Oh, look at that...
it's got all those little...

Oh, that's so beautiful!

Look at that!

Lenny, Lenny, you
don't got to be scared.

It ain't like thunder.

It's fake.

Huh.

Oh, look at that.

Isn't it beautiful?

Whoa!

Boring fireworks,
huh, Pop? Yeah.

That's not a happy face, Pop.

Look, let's go over
and get Shirley

and we'll hang her upside down...
That always makes you laugh.

Huh?

You know, she's
never been proud of me.

Shirley? She's always
been proud of you.

Nah, I'm talking about Mama.

Oh, Grandma.

Well, look, Pop,
why don't I just tell her

that I'll move back in with you,

and, uh, I'll tell
her in Italian.

That's nice, muffin, but...

there's only one way
to make Mama proud.

How?

I'm gonna send
Mama on a trip to Italy.

Oh, that would be
great, wouldn't it?

How are you gonna get the money?

What money? I'm
gonna win the trip.

Come Sunday, I'm
gonna climb this pole.

What, are you crazy?!

That's for young guys, Pop.

What are you telling
me, I'm old now?

No, but you're gonna be the
only one out there wearing a truss.

You know you
could hurt yourself.

I'm gonna climb this pole.

But, Pop... No buts, no buts!

I'm gonna win a trip for Mama,

and I'm gonna make
her proud of me.

You'll see!

Hi. How you doing?

Hey, Joey. Hey!

Nice hat.

Hey, Edna, did you see my pop?

Oh, he's working out...
He'll be around in a minute.

Aw, you got yourself a toy.

This is to wet Frank down. Oh.

Look, Laverne, you've got to do something
about this pole-climbing business.

He's in no shape
for anything like that.

I ought to know.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm
going out to find a bunch of guys

with big muscles
to be on his team.

It'll be a tough job
finding that many guys.

Aw, it's easy when
you love your work.

Water. Water.

Oh, hey, the water.
Here. I'm here, I'm here.

Water. Water. Come on.

Water, water.

Here. Water, water,
water... More water!

Step right up, folks!

Ring the bell, win a bunny!

Come on, step right
up, one at a time!

Here you go! Don't be shy!

Step right up, ring
the bell, win a bunny!

Come on, who's gonna be first?

Here we go, step
right up, step...

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Hey, honey, want to win a prize?

Yeah, but I don't need
no bunny, you know.

Well, you see anything you like?

Uh... oh, yeah.

Hey, I'd like to get
together with you.

Maybe I could close down
the booth for three, four days.

Uh... Uh, we could,
uh, you know...

No, no, no, no.

I-I don't have time for
that... I'm looking for guys.

Hey, hey.

Can I have 70 bucks?

Oh, I get it... this is one
of them riddles, right?

Like, "When is a
door not a door?"

No, no, no. This is for real.

I met this group of
guys in the street,

and they said they would help
my pop in the pole-climbing contest,

but they wanted 70 bucks, and I
know you have vacation money, Shirl.

No, I don't, Laverne.
Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. No, I
don't. Yes, you do.

You have money in your shoes.

No, I don't, Laverne.
Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

All I have is Zeno
pads in my shoes.

All right for you!

Oh, hey, Anthony.

Hi... Aah!

Oh, that's so unfair!

I can't believe you
taped it to your socks!

Okay, okay. You can have it.

Oh!

Okay, now, this is
$40. I need $30 more.

You want to give it to me, or
do you want to wrestle for it, huh?

All right, you can have it.

Thanks.

Hey, Gino!

Come on up! I got the money!

Come on, give it to me. But it's
not because I'm afraid to wrestle you.

It's because I got
too much class...

fat face.

This is real sweet
of you, Shirl.

Uh, come on in.

Hey, baby, you look great
hanging out of the window.

Thanks, Gino. Uh,
here's your money.

You know, after all, 70
bucks is quite a bargain

for a trip to Italy. Free
would've been a bargain.

No, I mean, a trip to
Italy costs hundreds

and hundreds of dollars, and these guys
are gonna win it for us for just 70 bucks.

Hey, wait a minute, uh, maybe
you should keep your money.

You mean, you are
gonna do it for free?

Yeah, but for ourselves.

I mean, why should we
win a fancy trip for you?

Hey, uh, thanks
for the idea, cutie.

Yeah, thanks a lot, cutie.

What a faux pas!

Hey, Laverne, where would
you like me to pick you up tonight?

Uh, well, Gino, why
don't you just drive halfway

over the Triboro Bridge
and then make a sharp right.

I'll send you a
postcard from Palermo.

Aw, gee whiz.

Oh, dear.

You know, somehow I
feel responsible for this.

Somehow? You
ruined the whole thing.

I ruined it? At least
you don't have Yeah.

To go out with that guy now!

I happen to have liked that guy!

Oh! You liked a man who was
squeezing me for my last dime?

Yes, I did... and that's
not the point anyway.

Without Gino, what is
my father gonna do, huh?

Well, you'll have to
think of something else...

I'll get it.

We had that pole-climbing
contest right in our back pocket

until you opened that
big yap of yours! Hi.

It's Carmine, calling
from Milwaukee.

Want to talk to him?

My big yap?! Yeah.

I lend you $70 and...

Well, well, first
of all, my dear,

my yap is just
the right size. Ha!

And second of all, how
would you like a smack?

Come on! Come on, come on!

You remember... you remember
Carmine? Remember Carmine?

Milwaukee? Come
on, just try it, try it.

Try it! Come on,
come on, I dare you.

Aah! Oh! Wait a minute,
she's gone away someplace.

She can't get to
the phone right now.

There she goes.

Oh, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, I think
she's coming back.

Hold on.

You want to talk to Carmine?

What's going on there?

You can talk to Carmine if...

No, no, sorry.

False alarm. Yeah.

False alarm. I don't
know, I don't know.

As far as I can figure it out,

they're fighting over
some guy named Gino.

But I... I really wouldn't
worry about it, though.

I mean, this Gino thing,
we'll nip it right in the bud,

and I think I got the romance

with Anthony pretty
well under control.

Who's Gino? Who's
Anthony? What romance?

This must be costing
you a fortune, Carmine.

I'll see you later.

I'm coming, Shirl! I'm coming!

Don't move! I'm coming!

Wait, hold it, hold
it, hold it, hold it!

Whoever's on the bottom, smile.

Okay.

Give me the chalk... I
have to figure out a plan.

Look how filthy those men are!

Look at how filthy
they're getting!

Gino and my pop... I'm
not going up that pole

if I have to get that filthy.

Shirl, you promised me...
You crossed your heart.

I crossed my heart 'cause
you had me in a stranglehold.

Look, the rules said we have
to have nine people on a team,

and you're the ninth...
And believe me, Shirl,

you were our last resort.

What about your
grandmother... She's very spry.

Shirl, she's an old lady!

Look at that! Look at it!

They look like slimy,
slathering mountains of grease.

Hello.

Oh, good, they're here.

Yeah, of course we're here.

Well, you girls ready to
hug the big, gooey pole?

Somehow you make it sound
more disgusting than it is.

I make everything
more disgusting than it is.

Say, girls.

We've got the
winning time so far.

Goody-goody. Thanks
again for the idea, sweetheart.

Oh, forget it. Please forget it.

Uh, and I wouldn't go packing
my bags for Italy, either,

'cause we are gonna
beat the pants off of you.

No way, no way!

Ha, ha, ha, ha...

Did you see how fast
he got up that pole?

Hey, hey, hey, what's all
this "thank you" stuff about?

Is this something Carmine
should know about?

Len, Len, just leave her
alone. She's a little nervous.

Okay? Why don't
you eat your sandwich.

No, no! Hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing?!

We're supposed to keep these
sandwiches as souvenirs of New York.

Whoa-ho, it don't
look good for that guy.

Splatto!

Hey, I'm okay!

The DeFazio family is next.

Will the DeFazios
please report to the pole.

Come on, team!

She called me team.

Hey, Salerno,
where's your brothers?

They'll meet us at the pole.

Ah, good.

Okay, okay, okay,
everybody listen up, listen up.

I got this thing figured out.

Now, everybody try not
to touch the pole at all.

Good idea! We
just make a pyramid

and climb on each other's back.

Got it? Good idea, good idea!

Great. I'm gonna
climb on Shirley.

And I'll break your
legs. The deal's off.

DeFazio team, you've got 30
seconds to report to the pole,

or you'll be disqualified.

Okay! Let's go!

Wait-wait-wait-wait. Good luck.

Let's go!

Uh, excuse me, Mrs. Grandma,

could you hold this for us?

Oh. You're the only
one we trust with it.

Yeah. And try to
remember whose is which.

Oh, okay.

The time to beat belongs
to Gino LeCausi's team.

Ready, go!

You have two minutes.

Remember, a pyramid.

They're gonna do it!
They're gonna do it!

Move your foot...!

It's too high.

It's too high... It's too high.

It's too high! It's too high!

Don't look down.

Oh, Lenny, you're only
six feet off the ground.

Yeah, you big baby.

Okay, come on, you're next.

Oh, gee, I can't.

Okay, come on.

Don't kiss the pole.

Go up, Shirl.

Here she comes, man.

Give me a kiss. SHIRLEY: No!

Yeah! Yeah!

Here... here.

Here.

Come on, get the
flags. Get the flags.

I can't reach 'em. I can't.

Okay, climb on my shoulders.

I gotta go higher?
I can't go higher.

Get on 'em! Get on my shoulders.

Wait, just as second...

What is going to
happen? She got...

All right... I'm
coming, Shirl, wait.

There's less than a minute left.

Excuse me.

Hold on, Shirl, I'm coming!

All right, don't look down.

Don't look down, Shirl.

Who's that? Carmine Ragusa.

All right, hold on. Italian! Go!

Close your eyes.

All right, who's
Anthony? Who's Anthony?

Carmine! Don't Carmine
me! Who's Anthony!?

You have 40 seconds.

Okay, Carmine, stand still.

I'm gonna climb
on your shoulders.

All right, who's
Anthony? Who's Anthony?

I can explain everything.
All right, Lenny told me

about a couple of men.
Anthony... who's Anthony?

I have not got a couple...

You have 30 seconds to go.

Come on, Laverne, you can do it!

Anthony? Tell me
who all those guys...

All right, I'll tell you
exactly who they are.

You have 20 seconds.

Come on, Laverne, you can do it!

Get the flag! Get the flag!

Get both of 'em!

Reach up, Laverne...!

Reach up, Laverne.

Stretch Laverne, stretch!

Nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four...

I did it! I got the flag!

That's my granddaughter!

My granddaughter...
She can do it!

We won! We won!

We won!

Oh, Laverne!

She did it!

You there, Mr. DeFazio?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm the guy.

Wait a minute. You
got the trip for me?

Wait a minute. Mama! Mama!

Come on.

Okay, go ahead, go
ahead, go ahead, come on.

When this young
man climbed up... Yes?

You have one too many
members on your team.

I'm sorry, but
you're disqualified.

The winner is Gino
LeCausi's team.

What?! No!

Is your father
still disappointed

about losing, Laverne?

A little, but he'll get over it.

Okay, what am I, a pack mule?

I mean, why don't you just rent
my back out to little kids for rides?

Come on, Shirl, it's my
grandmother's birthday.

Why aren't you coming with me?

Because I want to stay
here with my grandma.

I got a surprise for her.

I'm going to sing "For She's
a Jolly Good Fellow" in Italian.

That's very good, very good.

You're becoming a regular
little international songbird.

Yeah, I hope so.

Be careful.

Okay, where did
I put them words?

Oh, she's gonna love this.

It's just gonna break her heart.

Oh, Grandma?

♪ Perche e un gran bel tipo ♪

♪ Perche e un gran bel tipo ♪

♪ Perche e un gran bel tipo ♪

♪ E nessuno puo dire di no. ♪

Eh?

Pretty good, huh?

I'm working on another
song, "Blue Moon",

but I don't know how
to say "blue" in Italian.

Scimunito!

Scimunito... ♪
Scimunito... moon ♪

I like that.

♪ Scimunito... moon ♪

Your father says he don't
want to come to my party.

Scimunito!

I have a feeling
that don't mean blue.

What does scimunito
mean, Grandma? Uh...

Come on, Grandma.

Aw, Grandma, come
on, you can tell me.

It means stupid.

I was singing "Stupid Moon"?

No. She's calling me
stupid, like always.

You calling my pop stupid?

Well, that isn't very nice.

Do you have any idea
what this man gave up

just so he could make this trip?

A new TV.

And you know how much
he loves The Untouchables.

And all you've done
since you've been here

is pick on him and
yank at his moustache.

I don't think I want
to go to your party.

And I'm not going to sing
any more songs for you either.

I ought to wash your
mouth out with soap.

I'm on your side.

You don't wash your own
side's mouth out with soap.

That's your grandmother.

You show her respect.

She invites you to her party,
it's because she loves you.

You're not going.

With me, that's different.

She'd just be ashamed
to have me around.

Besides, she thinks I'm stupid.

And maybe I am.

But Pop, lots of times
you call me stupid,

you don't really
mean it, do you?

One time... when
you ate the dog food.

Well, I bet she doesn't
really mean it either.

Uh...

You don't really mean it
either, do you, Grandma?

Grandma...

Grandma...

Grandma... Oh, Laverne.

Let me tell you something
about your father.

When his papa died, you
know what your father did?

He got himself two jobs...

One before school and one after.

He was the best.

There never was a son so good.

You talk about
him like he's dead.

He's still here.

Yes, but he's not here enough.

He moved away too far.

So you see, Laverne,

when I yell at your
Papa there's a reason.

'Cause you see, if I have to
think about how much I love him,

then I'll have to think
about how much I miss him.

She just misses you, Pop.

You miss me, Mama?

All the time.

I love you, Fabrizio.

Mama...

What are you crying about?

I don't know.

It's beautiful.

Hello. Hey, Carmine.

Yeah, Len?

I did such a good job,
don't you think I deserve

some kind of reward?
Sure, what do you want?

Can I make out with Shirley? No.

Then how about
some Cracker Jack?

You got it. You
drive a hard bargain.

Thank you.

Ooh. Perfect.

You see what I mean, Carmine?

Look, we're missing
the whole party.

Let's go.

Whoo!

Yay!

Whee!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

Whee!

♪ ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪