Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 22 - The Tenants Are Revolting - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Oh, oh, I cannot believe

how cold it was in
that laundry room.

I told you not to drip-
dry these, didn't I?

Oh, look at this. Our towel!

How'd you like to dry
your face with this baby?

Shirl, I have never been
so cold in my entire life.

I tell you... I can't
believe it, Laverne.

I mean, it's 25
degrees in the hallway.

I know. It's 95 degrees in here.

If my earth science
from high school

serves me correctly, it should
be raining in that doorway.

I can't take this
anymore, Shirl.

I mean, my body is so confused

that I got goose bumps
that are sweating.

And it's all the stupid
radiator's fault, too.

Well, I'm gonna just
give it a little talk here.

What's the matter
with you, huh, guy?

Why are you stuck on hot?

You're supposed to be off.

Can't you read
your own controls?

Laverne, Laverne. Hon.

Why are you talking
to the radiator?

Trying to be nice.

Well, you know
that doesn't work.

It just hisses back at you.

What are you doing?!

No wonder it doesn't work.

You should never,
ever kick the radiator.

You beat it with a wrench.

Oh, we have beat
it with everything,

with fly swatters, with
magazines. Mrs. Babish,

It won't turn off.

You've gotta do something.

You're our landlady.

All right, I guess
it has to be fixed.

Yeah, you better
make it fast, too.

We're going through our dress
shields like nobody's business.

Look, I'll try to get to it,

hopefully by next Christmas.

Christmas?

Look, I got to fix
Carmine's light switch,

Dr. Romano's plumbing
and all these other jobs...

If I should survive this one,

I have to kill the green thing

in Lenny and
Squiggy's apartment.

Did you see that stack
of papers she had?

Yeah. All I saw was

that we were on the
bottom of the stack.

No, that's not the point.

The point is, the building

must be falling down
around her ears.

Somebody's gotta help her.

Well, Shirl, I ain't going near

that green thing in
Lenny and Squiggy's.

I mean, I saw it move furniture.

Really?

Yeah.

You know what we ought to do?

We oughta call a tenants'
meeting right after dinner,

get everybody down here

and see what we can do
to give Mrs. Babish a hand.

Okay, I'll help, as long
as I don't have to touch

anything slimy and disgusting.

Hello.

Girls, you must hide us.

We are in danger
of losing our minds.

You're too late for that, boys.

Don't encourage them. Ask them.

I can't. You ask.

I know I'm
stepping right into it,

but, uh, why are you boys

dressed up like a
couple of TV dinners?

Okay. It's to keep from
becoming vegetables.

See, now, this tinfoil,
and these sturdy buckets...

are to protect us from the
evil rays of Rex Romano...

Voodoo doctor. Voodoo doctor.

Aw, Shirl, they're all a-scared

of that creepy guy who
moved in upstairs. Shh!

No, no, Dr. Romano is
a doctor of mind science.

He's trying to benefit mankind.

He's trying to turn
us into the living dead.

Well, that's the first benefit.

Don't do that. I want
them outta here.

Look, all he does
is try to help people.

You know, he tries to break
them of their bad habits, like...

sucking their thumbs,
or biting their nails,

or wetting their bed.

You told them.

If I did, it ain't my fault.

It was that Romano's doing.

Okay. Uh, look, boys,
you're real amusing.

Thank you. Thank you.

You're welcome. But
we don't have time,

for the Jiffy Pop Brothers
right now, so let's go.

But look, you can come back,
oh, right after dinner around 7:00

We're gonna have
a tenants' meeting

to see what to do about all
the problems in the building.

Oh, yeah, we'll be there.

Our showerhead don't work.

Yeah, we discovered
it wasn't working

when we tried to wash our couch.

Mrs. Kolcheck, do
you want a pretzel?

No.

Are you all right,
Mrs. Kolcheck?!

Shirl, you don't
have to yell at her,

She's not deaf.

The heck she isn't.

Mrs. Kolcheck,
are you all right?!

I'm having a hot flash.

No, no, it's not a hot
flash. The radiator's broken.

The radiator's broken. Here...

Let me get you a nice,
cold glass of water, okay?

Don't touch me.

I have tried and I have tried.

Why can't we be friends, huh?

Because I want Carmine.

You know the rules as well as
the next person, Mrs. Kolcheck.

You keep your little
mitts off of Carmine.

Did you hear what she said?

She said she wants Carmine.

So? Let her touch him.

What are they gonna do, elope?

You never know, Laverne.

Suppose one night
Carmine gets drunk, hmm?

I'll get it.

Don't worry, Mrs. Kolcheck.

I'll give you Carmine's
telephone number later.

You're a nice girl, Laverne.

Mrs. Kolcheck, Mrs. Kolcheck,
can't we ever be friends?

No!

Is he in here?

Is who in here?

Dr. Rex Romano,
the devil's messenger.

No, you big scaredy-cat.

We ain't scared of nothing,

now that we got these new,
improved protections here.

Yeah. Oh, let me see them.

Let me see this.

Oh, you got tinfoil glasses.

I liked the aluminum
suits better.

Aw, they were dumb, Laverne.

What on earth

makes you think that
Romano is a voodoo doctor?

Huh? Boy, are you,
are you ignorant.

First of all, you take
his name: Romano.

What does that spell
backwards? Onamor.

Onamor? Yeah.

Well, that don't mean nothing.

Ha! Squiggy said it
to a dog, and it died.

It was dead for a
good five minutes,

then it just got up
and walked away.

Huh?

You idiots, the
dog was sleeping.

Uh-uh. No. Living dead.
Zombie dog. Case closed.

Hi, guys!

Good evening, everybody.

It's him. It's Romano.

It's him.

It's Romano.

Okay, good. Now
that everybody's here,

we can start the meeting

if you'll just take
a seat, please.

Never mind your glasses.

Boys!

Boys... sit.

Listen, Shirl, uh,
I'm sorry I'm late,

but Rex here was
giving me a lesson

in mind science. Mm-hmm.

He taught me how
to control a woman.

Shirl... you are
my slave of love.

Mmm.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Give my five bucks back, pal.

Carmine, there are certain
laws that guide the universe.

One of them... is no refunds.

Cute talk, cute talk.

Give my five bucks back, pal.

Oh, Carmine!

Will you sit down, please?

Carmine, why don't you sit

next to Mrs. Kolcheck, okay?

What are you doing?

Okay, let's call this
meeting to order, okay?

Mrs. Kolcheck! Mrs. Kolcheck!

Mrs. Kolcheck!

Mrs. Kolcheck.

Meeting's coming to order.

Now, as you all know,

a lot of things in this
building need fixing.

Well, we think that we
should get organized and do it.

Question! Question! Squiggy.

Laverne, I have a question.

I was thinking... on account

of Mrs. Babish is, is,
is the landlady and all...

Yeah? Why don't she do it?

I mean, like, that's
why we pay her rent.

When did we start paying rent?

It's the principle. Oh.

Mrs. Kolcheck?

I say we ring the
doorbell and run.

Do you want to move
your hand, Mrs. Kolcheck?

Yeah. Dr. Romano?

Yes, well, my mind feels

that we're entitled to have
this building in good shape.

Babish owes us
that much. Am I right?

You are right.

Well, let's not get
carried away here.

We're here to help Mrs.
Babish, not to blame her.

He does have a
point there, Shirl.

Laverne. Huh?

Oh, well, what
I'm just saying is...

that, uh, this place
is falling apart

and we should all take
a pride in our building.

I mean, just imagine
if a building inspector

came down here and
saw this place, huh?

What a wonderful idea.

What?

Well, let's have
this potential slum

looked over by a
building inspector.

Building inspector,
building inspector.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's not the reason
we called this meeting.

Yeah, that's not what
I meant, Romano.

Well, you may think that's
not what you meant, but now,

all of our minds are working
as a collective unconscious.

We're being zapped
by a psychic energy

and it's motivating
all of us into action,

and I say that right now...

we go downtown and we
find a building inspector!

Oh, yeah! Yeah!
No, wait a minute!

Shirl, would you quit hogging
the whole ice, would you?

I am not hogging it, Laverne.

I'm on my half.
You're on your half.

I can't help it if you need
a bigger half than me.

Shirl, I can tell
you're hogging.

I got one warm cheek
and one cold cheek.

Hello, girls.

Hi, Mrs. Babish. Hi, Mrs. B.

I want to thank you
girls for all your help.

Oh, you heard the city was going

to take care of everything, huh?

That's okay.

Yes, they took
care of everything.

They have informed me

that I have three days
to make all repairs

or they will fine me $2,500.

What?! What?!

If I had $2,500,

I'd have made the
repairs in the first place.

Oh, no!

Oh, gee, Mrs. Babish,

we didn't know this
was going to happen.

Couldn't you take the rent
money and pool it together

and fix the violations with it?

What rent money?

Half the tenants are
at least a month behind.

And none of you have
ever had your rent raised

since I took over the building.

Well, don't panic, Mrs. B.

We'll help you take
care of this. Yeah.

I don't need your help.

What you've done already
could cost me $2,500.

Any more help from you,
I'll end up in the poorhouse.

Well, where are you going?

What are you going to do?

You can tell the building
inspector when he comes back

that he can do whatever
he wants with this building.

I'm going back to
Madison, Wisconsin

and live with my dumb sister.

And I hope I never see
this pea-packing place again!

She's always been so nice to us.

We got to figure out
some way to help her out.

We can't let this happen.

Okay, start thinking,
start thinking.

I know, I'll get Carmine.

No, it'd never work.

How about if we...
No, no, they'd know.

I got it!

We'll get all the
tenants back down here.

We'll organize them,

and we'll fix all the
violations ourselves!

Oh, that's a great idea, Shirl.

But, hurry, we only got
three days to do it in.

Okay.

How come we always
get the hard jobs?

It was either this or
capturing that green thing

in Lenny and
Squiggy's apartment.

Get up, Shirl, get up.

Oh, my...!

Over there.

Would you get off of my...?

Shirl... Shirl, this
rope, this rope...

Please, tell me again why
we're tied together, huh?

In case one of us falls.

If I told you once, I told
you a hundred times,

it's in case one of us falls.

Oh, I get it.

In case one of us falls,

since we're tied together,
we both hit the sidewalk?

Yes.

Wouldn't you want it that way?

I don't even want
to think about it.

Okay, did we get
everything done up here?

Let me check.

Let's see... All right, uh,

we cleaned out the
gutters, right? Yeah.

And we cleaned out
the stovepipes. Yeah.

Okay, and we took care of
the pigeon puddles. Yeah.

All right, well, then
we got everything done.

Let's go.

All right.

Hey, Mrs. Kolcheck,

hold the ladder steady;
we're coming down.

No, Mrs. Kolcheck, don't...

don't move the ladder.

Hold the ladder, Mrs. Kolcheck!
Uh, uh, Mrs. Kolcheck...

Mrs. Kolcheck! Mrs.
Kolcheck! Mrs. Kolcheck!

She's gone.

I don't believe it.

I wouldn't think that
lady was strong enough

to carry a ladder.

She's a woman possessed
by strength, Laverne.

Aw, come on,
Shirl. She hates me.

She hates me. She's
done this on purpose

to strand me up
here on this roof

so that I can die in the cold.

I'm going...

You keep making that noise,

and I'm going to cut your
rope, you understand?

Okay.

Now I'm going to scoot
down there and yell for help.

Maybe there's
someone in the alley

mugging winos or something.

All right, well, be careful.

Okay. Make sure
that your rope...

All right, now let me, let me...

Okay. It's all right.

I think I've got you here.

All right. Be careful.

Okay. Steady as
she goes, girl, that's it.

Whoa...

Laverne...?

Now just don't move.

Where am I going?

I am going to pull you in.

Do you understand?

Pull, or I'll take you with me.

Do you understand?

Yes, all right, on the
count of three now, okay?

One... two... three!

Whoa!

Oh, I love you!

I love you, and
I love this rope!

I do! I do!

All right, did you see
anybody over there

while you were looking?

No.

All the muggers
must have gone home.

Okay, Shirl,

I'm going to come
back up there, okay?

All right, okay.

Okay, okay.

Laverne! Laverne!

I can't believe it!

Oh, please! Please!

Please!

Shirl.

What?!

You know why now
I never picked you

on the tug-of-war team?

Laverne, now is not
the time to quibble.

Please, this is a
life-and-death situation.

Okay, okay,
Shirl, I got an idea.

We'll go up to the
top, and then we'll...

I'll help scoot you down
through the chimney, okay?

I don't think so.

I don't want to go
through the chimney.

Shirl, would you rather stay up
here and freeze to death, huh?

Well, if Santa Claus
does it, I suppose I can.

Okay, now let's try a
little teamwork, okay?

Ready?

What?

One, two, three, stroke!

And... Stroke!

And stroke!

Are we there yet? Are we there?

Uh, not quite.

Okay, Shirl,

I guess you're going to
have to use me as a ladder.

Oh, no, I can't do that.

No, it's okay. You
saved my life. Go ahead.

Well, okay, all right, I will.

Oh, gee.

You're gonna have to
give me this rope right here.

Oh, I can't believe this.

Go ahead, Shirl. I got
you. I got you. I got you.

Go ahead. Go ahead. I got you.

Well, that's not
the time to do this.

All right.

I'm gonna kill that old woman
when I get my hands on her!

I'll kill her! I got you...

Would you just let go of it!

I'm gonna kill her, I swear.

I don't care about aged, oh!

All right, okay. Okay.

Okay, I'm here.

Hang onto my feet
and climb. Okay, Shirl.

Stay steady, would
you, just for a second?

Uh, stay there.

Okay... here I come.

One plunger.

All right, okay, okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Now go on in that chimney.

Go ahead. Scoot up there.

Now, supposing somebody
starts a fire in there

or something, huh?

Okay, yell "fire." Oh, okay.

I can remember that.

Okay, go ahead. You
need a boost? No, no,

I'm, I'm okay.

Okay, all right.

Way to go, Shirl!

Get in there, baby!

Go on. Get down there.

Come on. Put your feet there!

Come on. Get it in there!

Get in there. No, no.

Get me out! No,
you're all right.

Get you in. Go ahead.

No, no, no, no, no, get me out.

There's something
blocking the way.

Something's blocking? Yes.

Okay, okay, one, two, three.

Oh, oh, oh.

What are we going to do?

How... what?

I just saw a man in that window.

Well, we could get out
through that window...

Hey, mister!

Woo-hoo. Mister!

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, I'll go over there
and knock on the window

and see we, if we
could get in. Right.

Hold on to me, okay? Use
the rope to steady yourself.

And on the count of three, jump.

Okay. You ready?

Yeah. One... two...
three. Two... three.

Go.

Don't slip, Shirl...
One, two, three.

Okay, don't slip, will you?

Okay.

Are you all right?

I think I found
a way out, Shirl.

Boy, oh, boy, I can't
wait to see Mrs. B.'s face

when she sees that the
building's passed the inspection.

It's gonna be great.

Are you sure your
father can convince her

into coming back from
Madison? Mm-hmm.

He's got a great plan. Yeah?

If she doesn't want to come,

he's gonna hold his
breath until his eyes bug out.

Boy, you DeFazios,

you really have a way
with people, don't you?

We got that special
knack, you know. Mm-hmm.

Yes, you do.

That must be them. It is.

Okay, surprise. We'll
save this for a surprise.

Okay. Come in.

Hi, Mrs. Babish.

Hi. Hello.

Edna's got something
to say to you.

Yeah, and we got
something to tell you, too.

Well, let me say
what I want to say first.

No, no, no, no,
no, let us tell you

what we want to
say first... Yes...

All right, all right.

All right, knock it off!

Come on!

You're acting like
a bunch of kids.

Now let's settle
this like grown-ups.

One potato, two
potato, three potato, four.

That's a good try, Pop.

Look, uh, Mrs. B.,
we feel real crummy.

I mean, none of this
would have happened

if we hadn't called
that tenants' meeting

and got you in
trouble and everything.

Yeah, and so we all chipped
in and helped and, and, uh...

Well, the building inspector
guy says everything's okay

and you don't
have to pay no fine.

I can't believe this!

No violation, no fa... no fine.

Well, we all better hurry
on down to the Pizza Bowl

because there's going to be
a victory celebration for you.

Everybody in the building
chipped in for that, too.

Oh. Welcome home.

Listen, before we go, let
me say what I came to say.

I just want to say I'm sorry

for letting everybody
down in the building.

I-I know it was wrong to
run out on the problems.

I, I should have known,

if you stick with your friends,

you can work anything out, huh?

Oh, Mrs. B.

Oh, I love you both.

Well, this will probably
never happen again anyway

so we can forget about it.

I mean sometimes
you got to be our friend,

and sometimes you
got to be our landlady.

Absolutely right.

And as your friend,

I want to thank you for
everything you did for me.

Aw, don't mention it.

And as your
landlady... Go ahead.

I'm gonna raise your
rent ten dollars a month.

What?

You didn't have to
mention that, either.

Oh, Mrs. Babish, please,
not ten dollars, please.

No, no, no, it's okay.

It's okay. You
can raise our rent.

Oh, it doesn't matter that, uh,

we're throwing
her that nice party

at the Pizza Bowl or nothing.

All right, five dollars.

I made potato salad.

Three dollars?

Lenny and Squiggy
wrote this nice little song

that I'm going to sing for you.

Ten dollars. Come on.

You had to open your big yap.

Mrs. B!

We got you potato salad!

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪