Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 21 - Feminine Mistake - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Come on, Squig.
Come on, Squiggy.
Come on, Squig.
Batter up!
Don't throw my concentration
off like that, Carmine.
♪ Give me an S! Give me a Q! ♪
♪ Give me a U-I-G-G-Y,
what does it spell? ♪
Stephen?
Whoa!
♪ This man's been
hit, this man's been hit ♪
♪ Somebody help him, help him ♪
Get outta here!
The batter is hit.
The batter gets his base.
The pitcher gets congratulated.
Squig, speak to me.
I saw Babe Ruth's life
pass before my very eyes.
Squiggy, you okay?
Did you know that
Babe was afraid of dogs?
He's fine. He's fine. He's fine.
Uh, Lenny, why don't
you pinch-run for him.
Go on. Get on first base.
Oh, it's my first time all year.
That way, Len, that way,
that way! Oh, yeah, right.
It's up to you, Laverne.
And there's nobody
I'd rather have up.
Well, there's nobody I'd
rather have, have me up.
Then get it up, Laverne.
We need a big hit
here or we're finished.
♪ We need a hit!
We need a hit! ♪
♪ We need a great big hit! ♪
Do it for me, Laverne.
Okay, Joey, this one's for you.
Batter up!
In 1911, Babe Ruth's
orphanage voted him
as the least likely to succeed.
Safe!
♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ She's safe, she's safe ♪
♪ Hip, hip, h... ♪
Boy, you are the best
roommate in the whole wide world
to make me these cookies.
Get your stinking hands
off of those cookies. Why?
They're for the church bazaar
and dance tomorrow night.
Oh, gee, I forgot all about it.
I'm making little
Biblical cookies
fashioned after the
Bible stories, you know.
This is, uh, Moses with
the Two Commandments.
Shirl, there are ten
commandments.
Even I know that.
Yes, well, there would've
only been two commandments
if they'd had to
write 'em on cookies.
Well, can I help ya?
Yeah, why don't you
fashion a religious symbol
out of that dough
and I'll put this in the oven
and get the other ones out.
They're so beautiful.
So, has Joey asked
you to the dance yet?
Oh, no, not yet, but he will.
Oh, that's so great.
You two make
such a terrific couple.
I mean, you enjoy
the same things...
Running, jumping
and playing ball
and spitting long distances.
We do have a
lot of fun together.
And I don't have to act
phony around him, you know.
"Oh, hi, Joey."
That's nice.
What is that? It
looks like a rock.
It's the cookie David
killed Goliath with.
Well, you know, it's tough
to know what to make.
God has created
so many miracles.
Hello.
Bet you can't guess
where we're going.
The fool's convention.
I wish.
Nah, we're just going
camping, actually.
Well, good. Good-bye.
Now wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.
Not so fast. There
are a couple of things
we want to ask you. Uh-huh.
First of all, Lenny
and I was wondering,
uh, which side should
my tail hang from?
In front of your face.
Uh-huh.
Told you.
Yeah, yeah, that improves
your profile ten percent.
All right, and, uh, um,
here's the next question.
Do you know where the junior
chipmunk troop has their camp?
Oh, guys, you are pathetic.
I mean, really,
really, little girls.
You have sunk to
the lowest depths.
Not even close.
Nah, we're not
interested in little women
with brown dresses
and beanie hats.
We're interested in big women
with brown dresses
and beanie hats.
They're called den mothers.
And they're so prepared.
Okay, guys, that's it.
Go on. Get outta here.
We're getting ready for
the bazaar and dance.
Oh, yeah, the old bazaar dance.
Look, we wouldn't have gone
to that even if we could get dates.
Yeah, unless, of course,
we could get dates right now.
A very charming
approach, but, no, thank you.
Besides, I'm going with Carmine.
Yeah, and Joey's taking me.
Ha! That's a laugh and a half.
What are you talking about?
Well, I just seen Joey not
more than five minutes ago
down by the Pizza Bowl
and he was acting
very lovey-dovey
with one Wanda Teitlebaum.
Who?
Wanda Teitlebaum.
You know, Wanda... Teitlebaum.
That gorgeous girl who works
down at the five-and-dime
with the fantastic figure.
Oh, but I'm sure
she's not Joey's type.
Yeah, you're right.
Joey wouldn't like that
type of girl, would he?
No, he doesn't like that type.
I think I'm gonna go
down to the Pizza Bowl.
Laverne, what for?
Why are you going down there?
Well, uh, I just gotta use
the ladies' room, okay?
Drop 'em.
Drop them right now.
Ah! Those are my
religious cookies,
or can't you read?
"Thou shalt not steal."
"Thou shalt not steal."
Hey, Pop, did you see Joey?
Yeah, now leave me
alone 'cause I'm very busy.
Well, was he in here alone
or was he in here
with other people?
I don't know from other people.
I only know from other orders.
Okay, what did he order?
Two beers.
Uh, two beers in
separate glasses
or two beers in the same glass?
You know, you're
making my head hurt.
I'm sorry, uh, one
more question, okay?
Swear. Swear.
Do you know where Joey went?
Sure, I know. He's
in the men's room.
Well, why didn't you
say that in the first place?
That's another question.
Pop, could you do me a favor?
Now she wants a favor.
Oh, come on, Poppy, please.
Would you go in
there and tell Joey
to come out of
the bathroom, huh?
He'll come out
when he's finished.
We all do.
Please.
Besides, I'm doing a
favor for your friend Shirley.
She wants me to make a
pizza that looks like Noah's Ark.
How are you gonna do that?
Yeah, I know how: two pepperoni,
two cheeses, two anchovies.
Oh!
Hi, Joey.
Hey, Laverne.
Great place to meet
guys, huh? Yeah.
Well, better than the
ladies' room, heh-heh.
That's right.
Hey, what d'ya say you
and me go fishing tomorrow?
Tomorrow? Yeah, I
understand the carp are biting.
Oh, boy, I'd love to go.
Hey, Joey, I got a
new rubber worm.
It's amazing.
It looks just like
rubber, but it's a worm.
That's great. Here,
have a brewski.
Okay.
Here's carp on your hook.
What's so funny?
What, you got a new dirty joke?
No, I mean, it's the
way you chug-a-lug.
Ah, yeah, well, it's a gift.
You ever seen Wanda drink?
I mean, she sips so daintily.
Wanda?
Do I know Wanda?
Yeah, Wanda Teetlebaum.
Teitlebaum.
Teitlebaum, yeah.
Hey, listen, I was, uh,
thinking of taking
her to the dance.
Ah, yeah, well,
that's a good idea.
How 'bout you? Who
you taking to the dance?
Well... What am I saying, huh?
You don't care about
that kind of stuff.
I mean, you're a terrific kid,
but, I mean, you're not
exactly the kind of girl
a guy would take to a dance.
"Not the kind of girl a guy
would take to a dance."
What's he talking about?
I've danced with lots of guys.
Do you want to dance?
No, you rest.
Shirley, here she is.
I found her.
Laverne. Laverne,
where have you been?
You've had
everybody worried sick.
Your father's so upset,
he... he burnt Noah's Ark.
What happened?
Was Joey at the Pizza
Bowl with Wanda?
No, but he told me he was
gonna ask her to the dance.
Oh, Laverne, don't
let it get ya down.
Take it from a woman
who's been married five times,
there'll always be other guys.
Yeah, well, not
according to Joey.
He says I'm not the kind of
girl a guy would take to a dance.
He said that?!
To your face?
To this face.
I don't know. Maybe he's right.
Maybe I should
start acting different.
Maybe Joey would like me
if I acted weak and
froo-frooey and icky-sweet.
Like Shirley here.
I don't act icky sweet.
Oh, yeah, you do.
I act sweet,
but that's because
I was born that way.
I can't help it.
You sure you want to
learn to act like that?
Sort of makes
you sick, don't it?
But if it would get a
guy like Joey to like me,
maybe I'll give it a try even
if it does make me puke.
Spoken like a real lady.
I don't think so, Laverne.
I don't think it's your
style at all. Oh, come on.
You're always telling
me to act like a lady.
Why don't you teach me how?
Well, because...
Well, all right.
I suppose I could
give you a few pointers.
Okay. Shirley, you help her.
Laverne, I'm gonna go
tell your father
that you're okay.
Okay.
Hey, lady, you wanna neck?
Shirley, while you're
teaching Laverne
how to be a lady,
I think we ought to teach this
fella how to be a gentleman.
That's your first lesson!
That's the way I like... that's
the way I like my women,
nice and sassy.
Okay, let's go straight
to the deadliest weapon
of them all right
now, all right?
What's that? The deadly
Shirley shimmy walk.
Oh, Shirl, you don't have
to tell me how to walk sexy.
I've been walkin' sexy ever
since I grew this tush here.
Yes, well, Laverne, your mistake
is that you allow your
hips to say, "Yes, yes, yes,"
while your shoulders
should be saying...
"Maybe.
"Maybe.
Maybe."
There's nothing to it!
Get outta here.
Come on!
Come on. Try it.
Laverne, you want frou-frou,
I'm givin' it to you, all right.
Okay, okay, maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Loosen.
Maybe.
That's it.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
How rude!
How very rude!
This isn't workin' for me.
It doesn't sound right on me.
Well, oh, well, then
you should imagine
somebody else in your head.
Another lady who, somebody
who makes men weak
with romance like, uh...
How about Scarlett O'Hara?
I talked like her when
I did that book report
on Gone with the Wind.
Yes, yes, you were
wonderful, marvelous.
That would be perfect,
but you better be careful.
Why?
You might attract more
men than you can handle.
Frankly, my dear, I
don't give a damn.
Who is it?
Joey.
Why, Joseph.
How smart you look
in those rubber pants.
They should be.
They cost enough.
Hey, where's Laverne?
Oh, Laverne, I believe
she's in the bedroom.
I'll call her.
Laverne! Get your
kiester out here!
Maybe, maybe.
Well, hello, my
gentleman caller.
How are ya?
Why, that smacks of cleverness!
I think it's time
for a little... snack.
My, my, my, it's snacky time.
Huh?
You want to hear
a feminine secret?
Girls don't really like
to touch smelly old fish.
Oh, that ain't true.
I once saw Laverne put a
worm on a hook with one hand
and rip the guts out
of a carp with the other.
It was beautiful.
Excuse me a moment, won't you?
Well, why don't we all
sit down and be comfy?
Laverne? What... Hmm?
A cockroach!
I got it. I got it.
Eek, a bug.
Joey, do somethin'.
What am I gonna do,
scrape it off your shoe?
Oh, what a great big
bundle of jokes you are.
Laverne, why don't you serve?
Huh? Tea.
Why don't you serve tea?
Mah pleasure.
Joseph, don't you think
that Laverne looks especially
beautiful in her outfit?
You know, she sewed
everything herself.
That is true.
Cooking and sewing,
that's my whole silly life.
Milk?
Uh, no, thank you.
Oh, Joey.
I must admit, Laverne.
I, I've never seen
this side of you before.
I, I, I kinda like it.
Hey, Shirl, why don't you split?
Why, and leave
Laverne unchaperoned?
Excuse me.
I must have nodded off.
I think that I'll just
retire to the bedroom.
♪ La, la, la-la. ♪
♪ La, la, la-la... ♪
♪ La-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪
Scooter Pie?
Uh, no, no, thanks.
You know, I never knew
you could do this kind of thing.
What? Open a box
of Scooter Pies?
No, I, I, mean be
so soft and feminine.
You know, I mean, uh,
it makes me feel good.
No, no, no, you mustn't.
Go ahead.
You know, I was so stupid
to even think about
taking Wanda to that dance.
Listen, uh, would you
go with me instead?
I'd love to.
Oh, Laverne... this is
gonna be wonderful.
You can come to
the softball games,
sit in the stands
and watch me play.
You mean I...
you mean I don't get
to play ball no more?
There'll be no more of that
now that Laverne
DeFazio's a real woman.
Joey, just what exactly do
you mean by a real woman?
Well, what you are now.
You know, soft and,
and talkin' funny.
I mean, real women don't go
around in jeans and sneakers,
actin' crazy and crackin' jokes.
Hey, look.
I know you were
just playin' ball
so you could be around me.
You're not really like that.
I think it's cute.
I want you to know I understand.
Ow!
What'd you do that for?!
'Cause you don't
understand nothin', Joey.
You don't want a real woman.
You want a weak,
helpless little girl,
just so she can make
you feel like a big shot.
Sure, why not?
Why not?
Because that ain't
Laverne DeFazio.
And Laverne DeFazio
is a real woman,
even if I do like to
play ball and wear jeans
and even if I do
laugh like a goose,
it's a lot better than
doin' all this stuff...
My, my, my, Joey...
I knew you were fakin' it
about bein' a real woman.
Even your tea stinks!
My tea?
Well, maybe next time
you oughta take it with milk.
Hey, what're you doin'?!
Go on! Get outta here!
I'm goin'!
You ruined a good pair of...!
Get outta here!
A grown man shouldn't
wear rubber pants!
I'm sorry, Shirl, but
I just couldn't do it.
I mean, I'm goin' back
to talkin' the way I talk
and walkin' the way
I walk and... well,
to be perfectly honest, Shirl,
I hated Gone with the Wind.
Well, Laverne, I'm sorry, too.
I mean, it's really my fault.
I made you look like a fool
the way you were acting and all.
Yeah, but I asked you to.
Yeah, you did.
Laverne, tell me somethin'.
Huh?
Am I really that way?
You know, all frou-frou
and weak and helpless
and a silly Sally who only
cares what men think of her?
Yeah.
Well, sometimes.
Yeah, I wish I
was more like you.
You know, able to play ball
and run with the guys
and spit for distance...
You just hear what
you were sayin'?
Yeah. Did ya hear that?
Yes.
I mean, I just
spent all day tryin'
to be like you, right? Yeah.
And now you wanna be like me.
That is what drives us crazy.
You know that?
Wanna know somethin' else?
I think we're both pretty
good the way we are.
Yeah, we are.
I want to get to
the church by 8:00.
That gives us 15 minutes to...
Are you eating...?
Ah! Are you eating
my religious cookies?
How can you stand there and lie
when you have the
entire Old Testament
and the Road to Damascus
hanging out of your mouth, huh?
You're dunking John the Baptist!
How can you do that?
How?!
Girls!
We just got back
from our camping trip
and we brought
you a big surprise!
Go away.
How could you do this, huh?
Oh, come on. Let's go
see what he brought us.
I want to see, Squig.
I see you're the
adventurer, Laverne.
I expected you
to want to see it.
You, you're, you're,
you're fickle, you are.
All right, now, close your eyes
and get ready for
the big surprise.
Forget it.
I'm not closing my eyes
for your big surprise.
Oh, come on, Shirl, would ya?
Thank you. Thank you.
Laverne, you never
know what they're...
Okay, Len, bring it out.
Bring... bring it out, Len.
Okay, open your eyes
for the big surprise.
It's really not a good idea
to scream and scare
the skunk like that.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Come on, Squig.
Come on, Squiggy.
Come on, Squig.
Batter up!
Don't throw my concentration
off like that, Carmine.
♪ Give me an S! Give me a Q! ♪
♪ Give me a U-I-G-G-Y,
what does it spell? ♪
Stephen?
Whoa!
♪ This man's been
hit, this man's been hit ♪
♪ Somebody help him, help him ♪
Get outta here!
The batter is hit.
The batter gets his base.
The pitcher gets congratulated.
Squig, speak to me.
I saw Babe Ruth's life
pass before my very eyes.
Squiggy, you okay?
Did you know that
Babe was afraid of dogs?
He's fine. He's fine. He's fine.
Uh, Lenny, why don't
you pinch-run for him.
Go on. Get on first base.
Oh, it's my first time all year.
That way, Len, that way,
that way! Oh, yeah, right.
It's up to you, Laverne.
And there's nobody
I'd rather have up.
Well, there's nobody I'd
rather have, have me up.
Then get it up, Laverne.
We need a big hit
here or we're finished.
♪ We need a hit!
We need a hit! ♪
♪ We need a great big hit! ♪
Do it for me, Laverne.
Okay, Joey, this one's for you.
Batter up!
In 1911, Babe Ruth's
orphanage voted him
as the least likely to succeed.
Safe!
♪ For she's a
jolly good fellow ♪
♪ She's safe, she's safe ♪
♪ Hip, hip, h... ♪
Boy, you are the best
roommate in the whole wide world
to make me these cookies.
Get your stinking hands
off of those cookies. Why?
They're for the church bazaar
and dance tomorrow night.
Oh, gee, I forgot all about it.
I'm making little
Biblical cookies
fashioned after the
Bible stories, you know.
This is, uh, Moses with
the Two Commandments.
Shirl, there are ten
commandments.
Even I know that.
Yes, well, there would've
only been two commandments
if they'd had to
write 'em on cookies.
Well, can I help ya?
Yeah, why don't you
fashion a religious symbol
out of that dough
and I'll put this in the oven
and get the other ones out.
They're so beautiful.
So, has Joey asked
you to the dance yet?
Oh, no, not yet, but he will.
Oh, that's so great.
You two make
such a terrific couple.
I mean, you enjoy
the same things...
Running, jumping
and playing ball
and spitting long distances.
We do have a
lot of fun together.
And I don't have to act
phony around him, you know.
"Oh, hi, Joey."
That's nice.
What is that? It
looks like a rock.
It's the cookie David
killed Goliath with.
Well, you know, it's tough
to know what to make.
God has created
so many miracles.
Hello.
Bet you can't guess
where we're going.
The fool's convention.
I wish.
Nah, we're just going
camping, actually.
Well, good. Good-bye.
Now wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.
Not so fast. There
are a couple of things
we want to ask you. Uh-huh.
First of all, Lenny
and I was wondering,
uh, which side should
my tail hang from?
In front of your face.
Uh-huh.
Told you.
Yeah, yeah, that improves
your profile ten percent.
All right, and, uh, um,
here's the next question.
Do you know where the junior
chipmunk troop has their camp?
Oh, guys, you are pathetic.
I mean, really,
really, little girls.
You have sunk to
the lowest depths.
Not even close.
Nah, we're not
interested in little women
with brown dresses
and beanie hats.
We're interested in big women
with brown dresses
and beanie hats.
They're called den mothers.
And they're so prepared.
Okay, guys, that's it.
Go on. Get outta here.
We're getting ready for
the bazaar and dance.
Oh, yeah, the old bazaar dance.
Look, we wouldn't have gone
to that even if we could get dates.
Yeah, unless, of course,
we could get dates right now.
A very charming
approach, but, no, thank you.
Besides, I'm going with Carmine.
Yeah, and Joey's taking me.
Ha! That's a laugh and a half.
What are you talking about?
Well, I just seen Joey not
more than five minutes ago
down by the Pizza Bowl
and he was acting
very lovey-dovey
with one Wanda Teitlebaum.
Who?
Wanda Teitlebaum.
You know, Wanda... Teitlebaum.
That gorgeous girl who works
down at the five-and-dime
with the fantastic figure.
Oh, but I'm sure
she's not Joey's type.
Yeah, you're right.
Joey wouldn't like that
type of girl, would he?
No, he doesn't like that type.
I think I'm gonna go
down to the Pizza Bowl.
Laverne, what for?
Why are you going down there?
Well, uh, I just gotta use
the ladies' room, okay?
Drop 'em.
Drop them right now.
Ah! Those are my
religious cookies,
or can't you read?
"Thou shalt not steal."
"Thou shalt not steal."
Hey, Pop, did you see Joey?
Yeah, now leave me
alone 'cause I'm very busy.
Well, was he in here alone
or was he in here
with other people?
I don't know from other people.
I only know from other orders.
Okay, what did he order?
Two beers.
Uh, two beers in
separate glasses
or two beers in the same glass?
You know, you're
making my head hurt.
I'm sorry, uh, one
more question, okay?
Swear. Swear.
Do you know where Joey went?
Sure, I know. He's
in the men's room.
Well, why didn't you
say that in the first place?
That's another question.
Pop, could you do me a favor?
Now she wants a favor.
Oh, come on, Poppy, please.
Would you go in
there and tell Joey
to come out of
the bathroom, huh?
He'll come out
when he's finished.
We all do.
Please.
Besides, I'm doing a
favor for your friend Shirley.
She wants me to make a
pizza that looks like Noah's Ark.
How are you gonna do that?
Yeah, I know how: two pepperoni,
two cheeses, two anchovies.
Oh!
Hi, Joey.
Hey, Laverne.
Great place to meet
guys, huh? Yeah.
Well, better than the
ladies' room, heh-heh.
That's right.
Hey, what d'ya say you
and me go fishing tomorrow?
Tomorrow? Yeah, I
understand the carp are biting.
Oh, boy, I'd love to go.
Hey, Joey, I got a
new rubber worm.
It's amazing.
It looks just like
rubber, but it's a worm.
That's great. Here,
have a brewski.
Okay.
Here's carp on your hook.
What's so funny?
What, you got a new dirty joke?
No, I mean, it's the
way you chug-a-lug.
Ah, yeah, well, it's a gift.
You ever seen Wanda drink?
I mean, she sips so daintily.
Wanda?
Do I know Wanda?
Yeah, Wanda Teetlebaum.
Teitlebaum.
Teitlebaum, yeah.
Hey, listen, I was, uh,
thinking of taking
her to the dance.
Ah, yeah, well,
that's a good idea.
How 'bout you? Who
you taking to the dance?
Well... What am I saying, huh?
You don't care about
that kind of stuff.
I mean, you're a terrific kid,
but, I mean, you're not
exactly the kind of girl
a guy would take to a dance.
"Not the kind of girl a guy
would take to a dance."
What's he talking about?
I've danced with lots of guys.
Do you want to dance?
No, you rest.
Shirley, here she is.
I found her.
Laverne. Laverne,
where have you been?
You've had
everybody worried sick.
Your father's so upset,
he... he burnt Noah's Ark.
What happened?
Was Joey at the Pizza
Bowl with Wanda?
No, but he told me he was
gonna ask her to the dance.
Oh, Laverne, don't
let it get ya down.
Take it from a woman
who's been married five times,
there'll always be other guys.
Yeah, well, not
according to Joey.
He says I'm not the kind of
girl a guy would take to a dance.
He said that?!
To your face?
To this face.
I don't know. Maybe he's right.
Maybe I should
start acting different.
Maybe Joey would like me
if I acted weak and
froo-frooey and icky-sweet.
Like Shirley here.
I don't act icky sweet.
Oh, yeah, you do.
I act sweet,
but that's because
I was born that way.
I can't help it.
You sure you want to
learn to act like that?
Sort of makes
you sick, don't it?
But if it would get a
guy like Joey to like me,
maybe I'll give it a try even
if it does make me puke.
Spoken like a real lady.
I don't think so, Laverne.
I don't think it's your
style at all. Oh, come on.
You're always telling
me to act like a lady.
Why don't you teach me how?
Well, because...
Well, all right.
I suppose I could
give you a few pointers.
Okay. Shirley, you help her.
Laverne, I'm gonna go
tell your father
that you're okay.
Okay.
Hey, lady, you wanna neck?
Shirley, while you're
teaching Laverne
how to be a lady,
I think we ought to teach this
fella how to be a gentleman.
That's your first lesson!
That's the way I like... that's
the way I like my women,
nice and sassy.
Okay, let's go straight
to the deadliest weapon
of them all right
now, all right?
What's that? The deadly
Shirley shimmy walk.
Oh, Shirl, you don't have
to tell me how to walk sexy.
I've been walkin' sexy ever
since I grew this tush here.
Yes, well, Laverne, your mistake
is that you allow your
hips to say, "Yes, yes, yes,"
while your shoulders
should be saying...
"Maybe.
"Maybe.
Maybe."
There's nothing to it!
Get outta here.
Come on!
Come on. Try it.
Laverne, you want frou-frou,
I'm givin' it to you, all right.
Okay, okay, maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Loosen.
Maybe.
That's it.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
How rude!
How very rude!
This isn't workin' for me.
It doesn't sound right on me.
Well, oh, well, then
you should imagine
somebody else in your head.
Another lady who, somebody
who makes men weak
with romance like, uh...
How about Scarlett O'Hara?
I talked like her when
I did that book report
on Gone with the Wind.
Yes, yes, you were
wonderful, marvelous.
That would be perfect,
but you better be careful.
Why?
You might attract more
men than you can handle.
Frankly, my dear, I
don't give a damn.
Who is it?
Joey.
Why, Joseph.
How smart you look
in those rubber pants.
They should be.
They cost enough.
Hey, where's Laverne?
Oh, Laverne, I believe
she's in the bedroom.
I'll call her.
Laverne! Get your
kiester out here!
Maybe, maybe.
Well, hello, my
gentleman caller.
How are ya?
Why, that smacks of cleverness!
I think it's time
for a little... snack.
My, my, my, it's snacky time.
Huh?
You want to hear
a feminine secret?
Girls don't really like
to touch smelly old fish.
Oh, that ain't true.
I once saw Laverne put a
worm on a hook with one hand
and rip the guts out
of a carp with the other.
It was beautiful.
Excuse me a moment, won't you?
Well, why don't we all
sit down and be comfy?
Laverne? What... Hmm?
A cockroach!
I got it. I got it.
Eek, a bug.
Joey, do somethin'.
What am I gonna do,
scrape it off your shoe?
Oh, what a great big
bundle of jokes you are.
Laverne, why don't you serve?
Huh? Tea.
Why don't you serve tea?
Mah pleasure.
Joseph, don't you think
that Laverne looks especially
beautiful in her outfit?
You know, she sewed
everything herself.
That is true.
Cooking and sewing,
that's my whole silly life.
Milk?
Uh, no, thank you.
Oh, Joey.
I must admit, Laverne.
I, I've never seen
this side of you before.
I, I, I kinda like it.
Hey, Shirl, why don't you split?
Why, and leave
Laverne unchaperoned?
Excuse me.
I must have nodded off.
I think that I'll just
retire to the bedroom.
♪ La, la, la-la. ♪
♪ La, la, la-la... ♪
♪ La-la, la-la,
la-la, la-la-la-la... ♪
Scooter Pie?
Uh, no, no, thanks.
You know, I never knew
you could do this kind of thing.
What? Open a box
of Scooter Pies?
No, I, I, mean be
so soft and feminine.
You know, I mean, uh,
it makes me feel good.
No, no, no, you mustn't.
Go ahead.
You know, I was so stupid
to even think about
taking Wanda to that dance.
Listen, uh, would you
go with me instead?
I'd love to.
Oh, Laverne... this is
gonna be wonderful.
You can come to
the softball games,
sit in the stands
and watch me play.
You mean I...
you mean I don't get
to play ball no more?
There'll be no more of that
now that Laverne
DeFazio's a real woman.
Joey, just what exactly do
you mean by a real woman?
Well, what you are now.
You know, soft and,
and talkin' funny.
I mean, real women don't go
around in jeans and sneakers,
actin' crazy and crackin' jokes.
Hey, look.
I know you were
just playin' ball
so you could be around me.
You're not really like that.
I think it's cute.
I want you to know I understand.
Ow!
What'd you do that for?!
'Cause you don't
understand nothin', Joey.
You don't want a real woman.
You want a weak,
helpless little girl,
just so she can make
you feel like a big shot.
Sure, why not?
Why not?
Because that ain't
Laverne DeFazio.
And Laverne DeFazio
is a real woman,
even if I do like to
play ball and wear jeans
and even if I do
laugh like a goose,
it's a lot better than
doin' all this stuff...
My, my, my, Joey...
I knew you were fakin' it
about bein' a real woman.
Even your tea stinks!
My tea?
Well, maybe next time
you oughta take it with milk.
Hey, what're you doin'?!
Go on! Get outta here!
I'm goin'!
You ruined a good pair of...!
Get outta here!
A grown man shouldn't
wear rubber pants!
I'm sorry, Shirl, but
I just couldn't do it.
I mean, I'm goin' back
to talkin' the way I talk
and walkin' the way
I walk and... well,
to be perfectly honest, Shirl,
I hated Gone with the Wind.
Well, Laverne, I'm sorry, too.
I mean, it's really my fault.
I made you look like a fool
the way you were acting and all.
Yeah, but I asked you to.
Yeah, you did.
Laverne, tell me somethin'.
Huh?
Am I really that way?
You know, all frou-frou
and weak and helpless
and a silly Sally who only
cares what men think of her?
Yeah.
Well, sometimes.
Yeah, I wish I
was more like you.
You know, able to play ball
and run with the guys
and spit for distance...
You just hear what
you were sayin'?
Yeah. Did ya hear that?
Yes.
I mean, I just
spent all day tryin'
to be like you, right? Yeah.
And now you wanna be like me.
That is what drives us crazy.
You know that?
Wanna know somethin' else?
I think we're both pretty
good the way we are.
Yeah, we are.
I want to get to
the church by 8:00.
That gives us 15 minutes to...
Are you eating...?
Ah! Are you eating
my religious cookies?
How can you stand there and lie
when you have the
entire Old Testament
and the Road to Damascus
hanging out of your mouth, huh?
You're dunking John the Baptist!
How can you do that?
How?!
Girls!
We just got back
from our camping trip
and we brought
you a big surprise!
Go away.
How could you do this, huh?
Oh, come on. Let's go
see what he brought us.
I want to see, Squig.
I see you're the
adventurer, Laverne.
I expected you
to want to see it.
You, you're, you're,
you're fickle, you are.
All right, now, close your eyes
and get ready for
the big surprise.
Forget it.
I'm not closing my eyes
for your big surprise.
Oh, come on, Shirl, would ya?
Thank you. Thank you.
Laverne, you never
know what they're...
Okay, Len, bring it out.
Bring... bring it out, Len.
Okay, open your eyes
for the big surprise.
It's really not a good idea
to scream and scare
the skunk like that.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪