Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 17 - Supermarket Sweep - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

That's eggs. Now we've got...

Okay, let's get... BOTH: Cereal.

Okay. Okay?

Here we go, Rice Krispies.

Okay, Frosted
Flakes. Rice Krispies.

Why? I want to
get Frosted Flakes.

It's my turn to choose,

and I want Rice
Krispies, Laverne.

Yeah, but there's a
lot of good stuff in here.

Look, it contains vitamin
B6, niacin, riboflavin.

It contains a fun in
the tub submarine?

Put it back.

But Shirl, they got
eight tiny little sailors

who pop up and help you wash.

Laverne, Laverne, look at this.

This is a child's toy.

It's made for children.

I mean, what grownup
adult wants eight sailors

watching them wash, huh?

Grab another one, and
put the Rice Krispies back.

We'll make up the
difference later on.

You got it.

Okay.

Oh, the cookie section!

My heart, my heart! Yes.

Here we go... Fig Newtons,
Oreos, peanut butter cookies,

vanilla wafers,
coconut macaroons,

uh, Lorna Doones,

and my favorite in
the whole wide world...

The ones that make my tummy
say yummy... Scooter Pies.

Shirl, what happened
to all the cookies?

I put most of them back.

Well, what did you do that for?

Because we're trying to save up

to buy some art work
for the apartment.

Oh, what's the matter

with that calendar
we got from the bank?

I'm talking about art work
that doesn't remind us

to join a Christmas
club, okay, all right?

Oh, all right, all right.

Laverne, Laverne, corner time.

This thing is...

Boy, I think they make
these carts with old wheels.

Yeah, well, this
one's better than most.

At least it doesn't
keep going around

in little circles.

Mm.

All right, let's
see what I have...

Okay, fruit.

I know that apples are
nature's toothbrush, but...

Don't want that. I want
bananas to go with my cereal,

and I'll get...

Stop that! Where'd it go?

It's like stealing!

You can't do that.
That's stealing.

What are you talking about?

Everybody eats these. No.

Do you know you can
be arrested for that?

Do you? Huh? Huh?

Good, now we'll be
in the same jail cell.

Oh! You gave me that
fruit without my consent.

And don't think I
won't tell them that

when they haul us away.

Is there anything else
we need in this section?

Oh, wait. I want to get
my, uh, Pop some spaghetti

so I can make him a nice dinner

when he comes home
from the pizza convention.

Good. Okay, that's that.

All right, let's go. Oh, oh.

The baby food. The baby food.

Isn't that sweet?

He's got the sweetest
little face, that baby.

Shirl, I'm telling you,
one of these days,

we're going to be
buying that stuff

if we play our cards right.

Shirl, Shirl, wait a second.

What is this?

Graham crackers.

You put the Scooter Pies
back and got graham crackers?

Yeah. Well, think
about that, Shirl.

What's to think about?

They're graham crackers.

Yeah, but Scooter Pies don't
leave crumbs in the bed. Oh!

They don't. You want
to sleep on crumbs?

You want to? You want to?

All right, you big baby, here.

Here's the money
for the groceries.

I'll go get the Scooter Pies

and put the graham
crackers back.

But don't expect me to
wash off the chocolate stains

from your pillow slips, okay?

Hi, Mr. Slotnik.

Good morning.

How's your family?

Fine, thank you.

You're the one!

You are the one!

You're the one!

Great. Oh, gee, I'm sorry.

Here, I only ate three.

Here's, here's the
money for the grapes...

No, no, young lady. Calm down.

What? Everything's fine.

You are Slotnik's
one millionth customer!

No.

Yeah!

No.

Yeah!

Yeah?

Hot dog!

Well, wait a second,
guys. Wait a second.

Here, let me do this,
okay, guys? Okay?

Do I win something
for this or what?

You certainly do!

You're invited back
here on Friday night

after the store closes.

Yeah? For three
minutes of free shopping!

Free shopping?! Come on.

I want some pictures out front.

Okay. Okay, you've got it!

Excuse me. Wait
for me, Mr. Slotnik.

I'm the brains
behind that basket.

Hey, wait a minute,
basket queens.

Where's the money
for those pies?

Will you please let go of me?

I don't have any money.

It's with my girlfriend outside.

Oh, sure, the old "my
friend outside's got it" routine.

Would you please...?

All right, you little... yum
yum, you're coming with me.

Let go of me! How dare you!

I happen to be a decent citizen.

I tell you, I gave
her that money

so she could buy a submarine
and take a bath with sailors.

Why don't I just
come along quietly?

Come on, Shirl, cheer up.

Look, there's a chance

you can be Slotnik's
two millionth customer.

Carmine, by the time Slotnik's
has a two millionth customer,

I'd have to gum whatever I won.

Oh, gee.

Oh, come on, don't
make that noise, Shirl.

Come on, you know that
noise tightens up the muscles

in the back of my neck! Stop it!

Darn it!

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It's just that Laverne
is my best friend.

I mean, how could she
forget me like this, huh?

Who would have
ever thought that?

I guess all I have left is
you and Boo Boo Kitty, huh?

Come on, Shirley.

Let me see that big
old smile of yours.

Grow up, Ragusa, will you?

Just grow up!

All right, that's it, I give up.

Cheering you up is
depressing me, Shirl.

I can't... Oh, I'm
sorry, Carmine.

I'm sorry.

It's not your fault, Carmine.

Dear, sweet Carmine.

The hands.

I lost my head.

Hey, Shirl.

Boy, oh, boy, oh,
boy, I am telling you,

having my picture in the
paper is like free advertising.

Any calls for dates?

No. For food.

But I figured I'd
go into business.

Uh, I'm going to sell
everything I get at Slotnik's

for 20% off.

Really? Listen, can you put
me put me down for a couple of...

Ow! Oh!

A couple of crutches.

Carmine, could you
come back a little later?

I'm not feeling too
chipper right now.

I'm sure you understand.

You know what you
need, Shirl? What?

You need a nice,
romantic dinner with some

T-bone steak, and,
uh, some toilet paper.

Ow! And some Band-Aids!

Okay, I got it.

Toilet paper.

Okay, that takes
care of Carmine.

Hey, Shirl, what do you think?

Think I could talk Mrs. Babish
into buying a couple of packages

of them breaded
meat patties, huh?

No?

What?

You, my dear, ought to be
very ashamed of yourself.

What for?

Selling food to our friends?

I mean, really, Laverne.

What are you talking about?

I'm giving it to them
at cut-rate prices.

Yeah? What are
you going to do next?

Sell them our garbage
or other smelly leftovers?

Hello.

I know, Laverne.
You know, right?

Yeah, yeah. You know?

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, we read in the paper

about you striking
food at Slotnik's.

Uh, there's no reason why

your good fortune
shouldn't ought to be ours.

Yeah, that's the kind
of men we are. Yeah.

Okay, boys, what do you want?

Bosco.

Bosco.

That's all you want?

Oh, yeah, yeah, but all
the Bosco you can carry.

Oh, I know what
you're thinking, Laverne.

Isn't Bosco just
a milk amplifier?

But it ain't.

It's much more than that.

It's one of nature's
most perfect of foods.

It can be used with everything.

It goes with applesauce,

cream cheese,
horseradish, lamb chops.

Mm-hmm.

And it's great for snacking,
too, right out of the bottle.

Oh, you're making
me sick. Please.

Not enough Bosco in your diet.

No. I think this is
bigger than Bosco.

Maybe you're sick, Shirl, on
account of you was the loser,

and Laverne was the winner.

Yeah.

What are you guys talking about?

That had nothing to do
with winning or losing.

It was just luck.

We were both on our way
to the check-out counter,

but Shirley here went back

to get my Scooter
Pies, and I won.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Mm-hmm, Mm-hmm.

She's happy for me, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, what's the matter,
Shirl? What's the matter?

You got a little gas bubble
in there or something?

Look, I'll put right down
on the list, Bromo-Seltzer.

Boy, Shirley, I
feel bad for you.

Laverne took you for a ride.

Yeah, you really are
an A-number one sap.

Yeah, that's just the way
I'd rate it, too. Mm-hmm.

You know I betcha... I betcha
that Laverne waited outside

of Slotnik's, and counted
everybody going in

until she knew she'd
be the millionth one.

Yeah, yeah, and then
she sends Shirley to stock

back to get cookies,
and the rest is easy.

Oh, I did not do that!

Get out of here!

Hey, Shirley, you
want to sell me

the Brooklyn Bridge?

Get out!

You got... You got... You
got two dimes for a nickel?

Get out of here!
Get out of here!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute. One more.

All right.

Okay.

Uh, Shirley, why don't you
run upstairs and see if I'm there?

Get out!

All right, let's go
see if you're there.

You missed that!

Get out of here, would you?!

How very nice.

You've arranged for two
morons to call me an idiot.

I didn't arrange it.

Gee, Shirl, I didn't
know you felt bad

about this whole thing.

Well, how am I
supposed to feel, Laverne?

My best friend wins fame
and fortune and groceries,

and what do I win, huh?

Zip. Zilch.

Zed. Zero!

Nada. Nothing. Bubkis.

I feel like dirt.

Well, Laverne, you should.

But you don't have to.

Listen, Laverne, we
could work as a team.

Team? Yes.

That would be great! I know.

Now, why didn't I think of that?

You don't have to think.
Leave the thinking to me.

Come on, let's go down
to Slotnik's right now

and tell Mr. Slotnik
what happened.

We'll explain it to him.

We'll tell him we were
shopping together then,

and we're going to be
shopping together on the spree.

And we share everything,

right down the middle, right?

Yes! Yes, exactly.

Say, do you think
there's still time

for me to get my
picture in the paper, huh?

Ah, well, gee, Shirl, I
think it's a little late for that.

Oh... Gee! I can't believe it.

I never get my
picture in the paper!

My neck, Shirl, my neck.

Okay, you ready, Shirl?

I'm ready.

Nice legs.

Beautiful, just beautiful.

What a hunk he is, huh?

Oh, worth every
penny we paid for him.

You see?

He brings culture
into our very home.

He's artistic

and he's tasteful, and
that's why I like him.

I like him 'cause
he's bare naked.

Another good reason.

Oh, I love him,
Shirl, I do. I do, too.

I love him, I love
him. I do, too.

Laverne, he's so cute. Oh!

Oh, that's the spitting
image of Gunther!

Huh? What?

My first ski instructor.

He skied with a fig leaf?

No, but he was a
wonderful instructor.

I started out a rank amateur,
but I became an expert.

Mrs. Babish, I'm shocked.

Me, too.

Would you tell us all about it?

Yes.

I'll think about it.

She's thinking, she's thinking.

Where did you get him?

At Pfister's Plaster Palace.

Isn't he beautiful?

I had originally wanted
the statue Venus by Milo.

But, uh, they only had one...

Yeah... and the
arms were busted off.

So, uh, then I had my heart set

on one of them little
boy tinkle fountains,

you know, but, well...

Well, we, we
compromised on Dave here.

It cost two months' food money,

but worth every penny of it.

He's certainly worth his
ol' weight in lamb chops.

Ain't he, huh?

We figured we could
spend the money on art

since we'll get at least
that much food at Slotnik's.

What do you mean "we"?

I thought it was just Laverne.

Well... it was, but
we talked to Slotnik

and told him we wanted
to work as a team,

and as you know,
teamwork is our specialty.

You are looking at one
finely tuned shopping machine.

That's great.

Oh, boy, I can
just picture it, Shirl,

cupboards filled
with Scooter Pies.

Right after we
get my fish sticks.

We're getting my
Scooter Pies first.

What are you talking about?

Don't start with me!

Hey!

Hey, girls!

What?! What do you want?

What happened to
all that team spirit?

She's right.

She's right, Laverne.

Now, if we act as a
team and remain calm,

there's no reason
why we can't get

all the Scooter Pies you want

and all the fish sticks
my heart desires.

Where are the girls?

Don't worry, they'll be here.

They had to make some
last-minute preparations.

I hope they're not late

because I'm counting
on that rump roast,

and Frank needs his cheese.

Ah, let Frank grow
his own cheese.

Lenny and me, we are planning

an old-fashioned
Bosco hayride for tonight.

Yeah, that's right.

You're all invited, by the way.

Uh, dress casual,
wear something brown,

and bring your own spoon.

I'm afraid we can't
wait any longer.

Oh, here they come
now, here they come!

Here we are, Slotnik, ready
and raring to clean you out.

Don't worry, angel face,

this is going to be a
piece of cake for you.

Cake... second aisle

between the Twinkies
and the Snowballs.

Very good, Laverne, very good.

And Mrs. Babish, just in
case our brains get scrambled,

would you hang on to this list

and shout out anything
that might be on it?

And the rump roast is on us.

All right, ladies,

if you are ready,
the timer is set

for three minutes.

Make it four and you
got a customer for life.

Grab all you can

because whatever you get
across that finish line is yours free.

But you have to do it
before the buzzer sounds

or you lose it all.

Okay, don't forget
my T-bone steak.

Bosco.

And Frank's cheese.

Bosco! Bosco!

And some toilet paper.

Bosco! Bosco!

All right, you're all
on the top of the list.

Don't worry about it.

All right, ladies,
on your marks.

On your marks.

Get set... Get set.

Go shopping!

Come on, Shirl!

Okay, let's go!

Potato chips!

Get potato chips!

Potato chips...
That'll be perfect.

Bosco bean dip.

Mmm... SHIRLEY:
What are you doing?

No, Laverne, Laverne,
we can't get them all!

Just grab a couple!

Come on, let's go!

What next, what next?!

Oh, uh... bacon and eggs.

Get fish sticks, don't
forget my fish sticks!

Laverne, Shirley,
get more Bosco!

Take some out if you have to,

but we need more Bosco.

Watch out, watch out, watch out.

No!

Why did you move that?

Come on, come
on, it's free anyway.

Bring it in, come on!

We got to get
this thing started.

Come on, Shirl.

Fill my pants.

Bosco. Bosco.

Ooh, graham crackers.

Graham crackers.

Get the shovel.

Shirl... put them in there!

Meats... more meat!

More meat!

More meat, that's perfect.

Bosco meatballs!

Bosco. Bosco.

20 seconds!

Come on!

Come on!

Laverne, come on, Shirl...!

Bring that basket home!

Yeah!

Come on! Come on!

We're never going to be
able to push this basket.

We just got to remain calm
and work as a team now.

Forget teamwork!

It's every man for himself!

Ten seconds!

Go, go, go!

Oh... get rid of some
of those Scooter Pies!

Get rid of them fish sticks!

Forget it! I'm holding on to...!

Five seconds!

Four... three... two... one!

And here's what they've won.

You did that on purpose!

I did not.

You did so. It was an accident,

just like my coat falling on
the floor was an accident.

Don't you go blaming
everything on me

just because you botched
up down at Slotnik's.

Nobody likes fish sticks anyway.

Oh, yes? Well, what
about Mrs. Paul, eh?

Explain that to me.

And it was not my
fault, it certainly was not.

And I hope the next box of
Scooter Pies you pork down

goes straight to your thighs.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I hope the next
mound of fish sticks you eat

gives you guppy lips.

What did you say?

You heard me.

It was not my fault!

Oh, no, it wasn't my fault!

Ah... You know what
the problem was, Shirl?

What's that? We didn't
listen to Vince Lombardi.

Was that the man who
wanted the eggplant?

No.

He's a great football coach,

and he always says and I quote,

"If you ain't got teamwork,
you ain't got diddley."

"If you ain't got teamwork,
you ain't got diddley."

Diddley.

Words to live by, eh?

I'm sorry, Laverne.

I mean, it was kind of
my fault down at Slotnik's.

I should have never said
"Every man for himself."

That was wrong
of me, I apologize.

Yeah, well... me, too.

I take back what I said.

I wouldn't wish
guppy lips on you.

And you know I don't want
you to have Scooter Pie thighs.

Thanks, but it won't happen.

We ain't got no food money
for the next two months.

You know that,
Shirl? I know, I do.

Unless, of course,

Pfister's Plaster Palace
will take Dave back.

Dave. Dave.

It's not going to work, Laverne.

Everybody's going to
know you broke Dave.

No, they won't, not
after we get done.

I don't know about this,
Laverne, I don't know.

What, what?

Well, I don't think Mrs. Babish

is going to fall for
this, that's what.

I am telling you, Shirl,

she is going to beg us to
take Dave here off our hands.

All we got to do
is call him Gunther.

Well, I hope she buys Gunther

because we certainly
can't take him back

to Pfister's Plaster Palace.

Hi, girls, I found
your note on my door.

What did you want?

Oh, look at him.

Isn't he cute?

Uh, why don't you come
here for a second, Mrs. B.?

Now, don't say nothing to
my pop or nothing, but, uh...

how would you like
to have Gunther here

for your very own, huh?

You mean buy him from you?

Now, think about this,
think about it for a minute.

Think of all the possibilities.

Why, you and Gunther can relive
those romantic Alpine evenings

high atop a mountain

in a secluded cabin with the
fireplace blazing away, as...

you and Gunther sip sherry

and plan for a beautiful
evening of romance.

Ah... Oh... Oh, my.

I'll take him.

Oh, I don't know now.

Wait a minute.

I-I'll give you anything.

Please.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪