Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Third Annual Shotz Talent Show - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Boy, I wish Mr. Shotz
would come back

from his business trip.

Hey, you don't think
we're jumpin' the gun

by holdin' these
auditions, do ya?

Don't be silly.

After the bang-up
job we did last year,

we're shoo-ins to direct
this year's talent show.

Yeah, who else
could've done that

Abba Dabba Dabba monkey
dance on roller skates?

I don't want to
jinx us, Laverne,

but, uh, this year's
number is good enough

to be on Ted Mack.

No. Ooh.

Yes. Yeah?

Ooh. No.

Yes.

We could give new meaning
to the word "amateur."

Ah, boy, Shirl, when
you're right, you're right.

I don't like to...

Aw, we better get on
with these auditions.

Okay, all right, all right.

We've got Number Two
coming up, Number Two.

Number Two!

Let me in! It's my pop.

I gotta see his number.

She's gotta see your number.

All right, okay, let him in.

Put 'em back out
there. Number Two only.

Number Two only. I
gotta open the door.

Now scoot...

Mrs. B., you've uh...

you've seen his
act, what's it like?

Well, it's hard to say.

I've never been able
to sit through to the end.

What'd she say?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

Oh, nothing.

Well, well, uh,

Mr. DeFazio, what are
we going to be doing today?

Eh, I got hidden talent.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And when I found
out what I can do,

it surprised me, it's so easy.

And I have such fun doin' it.

What is it? Wow, okay.

Yeah, wait'll you see this here.

Boy.

Come on, Shirl,
give him a chance.

Oh, dear!

Oh, my goodness!

Got him out.

Hey, cute, little guy. He's
a chip off the old block.

Boy, I'll tell ya.

Is my face turning real red now?

No, no. Not so much.

Where...? Oh, there it is here.

Bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum.

Oh, that's good, Pop.

Ready? SHIRLEY: Uh-huh.

Hi.

What's your name?

Got any... you
got any relatives?

Yeah, a lot of trees.

Boy, and then I tell a lot of
other jokes, you understand?

And then... Give
me a glass of water.

I'll show ya.

Boy, the biggest
finish you ever saw

in your whole life.

Hurry if you love me, Pop.

Now remember, we're
both gonna sing together.

You got it? Yeah.

Ready.

I'm so embarrassed.

Like that? SHIRLEY:
Oh, oh, that, that is a treat.

Yes. I'm gonna die now.

Yes, uh, how long have
you been doing that?

I started this morning.
Can you believe it?

Yes. Yes.

Here's a little
number I used to sing

to the Fuller Brush man.

♪ Well... will you
look who's here? ♪

♪ Has it been a year?
Honey, come on in ♪

♪ Meet the folk, have a
smoke Grab a Coke, tell a joke ♪

♪ Well, Honey, where ya been? ♪

♪ We'll have a
big confabulation ♪

♪ A little midnight recreation ♪

♪ It's terrific you're here ♪

♪ We're fresh outta beer
but there's plenty of gin ♪

♪ I get the feeli" very strong ♪

♪ You've been sittin'
in the dark too long ♪

♪ Drinkin' alone
unpluggin' your phone ♪

♪ And your shoes are on wrong ♪

♪ What's one
lover more or less ♪

♪ You gotta make
a change I guess ♪

♪ The end of the
world was only a girl ♪

♪ Who didn't want to go along ♪
Sell it!

♪ Will you look who's
here? Has it been a year? ♪

♪ Well, Honey, come on in ♪

♪ Meet the folk, have a
smoke Grab a coke, tell a joke ♪

♪ Now, Honey, where ya been ♪

♪ We'll have an
old-time celebration ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a
four-star situation ♪

♪ To tell you the truth
we're out of vermouth ♪

♪ But there's plenty of gin ♪

♪ I don't know why
we ran out of rye ♪

♪ But there's plenty of gin ♪

That's a swell song, ain't
it? ♪ The tequila is low ♪

♪ But nobody go 'cause
there's plenty of gin ♪

Okay. ♪ No more wine
but everything's fine ♪

♪ But there's plenty of gin ♪
How long is this number?

♪ Don't look at your watch ♪

♪ I know there's no scotch ♪

♪ But there's plenty of gin ♪

Ah, that's good, Mrs. B.

♪ So what can I fix
you? We're out of mix ♪

♪ But there's
plenty of... gin. ♪

That's going to make it.

That was fabulous.

That is going to be
a great opening act.

What about me? Well, thank you.

You'll be the M.C.

What about him?

He'll make a great lamp.

No, don't open that door! Relax.

What is that you're eating?

Tuna on Scooter Pie.

Ugh! Ugh!

Ugh! How can you
eat that garbage?

Discipline.

Attention all employees.

This is Max Shotz speaking.

I want to announce the
directors of this year's talent show.

Ooh, I know it's
gonna be difficult,

but try and act humble.

That's good. That's it.

I know all of you will do your
best to help out the directors.

They're two people
with imagination,

leadership... and a
flair for the unique.

Our own, Andrew Squiggman
and Leonard Kosnowski.

Thank you. Thank you.

No!

No, Mr. Shotz, it can't be!

Please, please, sir!

What's with ya, Mr. Shotz?

Ya been suckin' up
those suds all day?

I can't believe it!

How'd you get
Mr. Shotz to pick you?

Huh, blackmail?

Ooh, "blackmail" is
an ugly word, Laverne.

We prefer "frame-up."

Yeah, you see, um,

we was, uh, driving
by the Dewdrop Motel

when we seen Old
Man Shotz leaving

with the Von Mueller Triplets.

Yeah, caught him red-handed
committing hanky-panky.

You know? And the
rest is show biz history.

All right, here's you
audition numbers.

But... Attention, everybody.

Auditions for the talent show

will be held in the auditorium,

so's we can see
who's got talent,

and who will be in the
show whether they do or not.

Come along, Lenny,
we'll find the stage.

They got a stage?

♪ Ding-dong bell ♪

♪ Ding-dong, ding-dong,
ding-dong bell ♪

♪ Ding-dong, ding-dong,
ding-dong bell ♪

♪ Ding-dong, ding-dong. ♪

And then, okay,
okay, okay, okay...

I'll get the
ding-dong bell right.

And there's applause,
applause, applause.

And then we bow,
we bow, we bow...

And then there's applause,
applause, applause.

And then we bow, we bow, we bow.

Encore, encore, encore. Encore?

What do ya think,
should we cut the kiss?

Ah, they'll love it.

Know something, Laverne? Huh?

I think we got the best

dancing puppet
act in the country.

Oh, that's because
our act is special.

Most dancing puppet acts

are just a couple of
dummies on strings.

Hello, ladies, ladies, ladies.

Oh, Shirley, bubby, darling.

Lenny, stop it!

Give me that back!

Shirl, look at this.

They're wearing makeup!

That's what I thought!

Don't you look...?
Don't do that.

Look at that face!

Lots of people in show
business wear makeup.

Not directors.

Oh, well, we're more
than just directors.

We happen to be
performing in this show, too.

Which is more than I
can say for you two girls.

What do you mean?!

I don't even see
your name on this list.

Let me see that!

No, we're there, we're there.

Yeah, here we are,
right after the seal

that imitates Kate Smith.

Oh.

You got a seal that sings,

"When the Moon Comes
Over the Mountain"?

Oh, stop it, no.

You boys are taking all
the dignity out of this show.

You want dignity,
watch television.

Wait a minute, we got dignity.

Oh, right, I forgot
about Carmine.

Hey, Carmine, come on out here.

I'm not doin' my
act in this canoe.

Oh, he's not doin'
his act in this canoe.

Well, maybe you'd like
to tell me something,

Mr. Cooperation,

who is Pocohantas
supposed to wave to?

She can wave to the
seal. I'm doin' my act.

I went to a lot of trouble
to put this song together.

Don't get upset.

I'm not upset.

Come on, guys.

Come on, you've
got to put Carmine in.

Yes, he's got to be in the show.

All right, all right.

Frankly, I don't like
to listen to singers

if they're not in a
canoe, but if he wants

to do it canoe-less,
let him sink.

Come on, Carmine.

We'll take the canoe.
We'll take it home.

It'll be fun in the bathtub.

Good luck.

Big Fella.

Okay, guys, now look,
uh, I gotta set the stage.

So you gotta use your
imagination, all right?

All right, this is a story about
a guy who ain't got nothin',

but wished he had somethin'.

Break a leg, Carmine.

♪ Got my tweed pressed ♪

♪ Got my best vest ♪

♪ All I need now is the girl ♪

♪ Got my striped tie ♪

♪ Got my hopes high ♪

♪ Got the time and the
place and I got the rhythm ♪

♪ All I need's the
girl to go with 'em ♪

♪ If she'll just appear ♪

♪ We'll take this
big town for a whirl ♪

♪ And if she'll say,
"My darling, I'm yours" ♪

♪ I'll throw away
my striped tie ♪

♪ And my best pressed tweed ♪

♪ All I really
need is the girl... ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And if she'll say ♪

♪ My darling, I'm yours ♪

♪ I'll throw away
my striped tie ♪

♪ And my best pressed tweed ♪

♪ All I really need is the ♪

♪ Really need is the ♪

♪ Really need is the... ♪

♪ Girl. ♪

You did it!

You were terrific,
Carmine, Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I couldn't believe it.

If we gotta follow him,
he does it in the canoe.

That's right.

You were marvelous, marvelous.

We'll talk about those
women later, all right?

What do you think?
What do you think?

Hey. Well, Carmine,

I would, uh, really
like to thank you

for bringing us
such a wonderful act.

We think it'll be really good

when, uh, me and Lenny
get to do it with the girls.

Hey, hey, hey,
hey, how 'bout me?

Huh? What about me?

How are we gonna break it

to the poor kid, Squig?

Let me handle it, Len.

I have a light touch.

Carmine, you stink.

You're outta the show,
good-bye, go home.

You can't do that!
You can't do that!

Carmine's always in the show.

You can't do that.

We can do anything we want.

We're the directors, right?

All right, look,
look, just forget it.

I think they just did
me a favor, all right.

I-I musta been nuts!

The day I dance for you guys...

I'll do the flamenco
on your face!

The day we want
you to dance for us,

there'll be a
flamingo on my face.

Hey, stop hittin' me, Laverne,

you wanna smear
my pancake makeup?

Look what you did
to my sweater. Sorry.

You know, guys,

you can't keep hornin'
your way into people's acts.

They'll spit on you.

They'll spit with joy.

And besides, we know
what the public likes.

They want sex,
they want violence,

they want violent sex.

They want sexy violence.

They want violency sex.

Lenny, I'm getting hot.

Listen,

besides, we're not
working with everybody.

Praise the Lord!

No, we're doin' a couple
of numbers by ourselves.

Oh, no.

Yeah, well, maybe you'd
like to see some today.

No, spare us. Stop.

No, I'm not gonna... You
might pick something up.

Now hold it, get on
over there. I don't...

Get on over there and sit down.

Take it all.

Here, take this with
you, too, will you?

Maestro, anytime.

Any time, Maestro.

♪ Just a couple of lover boys ♪

♪ On the road to Gay Paree ♪

♪ Bonin' up on our parlez-voo ♪

♪ So the girls will
say, "oui, oui" ♪

♪ We've got dames
in every port ♪

♪ And they make love all right ♪

♪ But those French
kisses make your lips ♪

♪ Stand up and say good night ♪

♪ Just a couple of lover boys ♪

♪ On the road to Gay Paree. ♪

Now that's entertainment. Yes.

That's pigeon puddles!

And if you think you're
gonna worm your way

into our puppet
dance, you just forget it.

Nobody wants to
worm into your puppets.

All we want to do

is put you in our big
production number.

"The Two Handsome Men
and the Dancing Elephants."

What!

What? Forget it! Just forget it!

We don't even want to
be in your crummy show.

Oh, no, we're countin' on ya.

And don't come
cryi" to us either,

'cause your mascara will run.

Sissies!

Don't feel too bad, Len,

even John Wayne wears makeup

and they call him The Duke.

I can't believe it.

I just can't.

I mean, the Shotz Talent
show's goin' on right now...

and we're not in it.

I mean, it just doesn't
make sense, now does it?

Why do you have that
silly smile on your face?

I'm making believe these are
Lenny and Squiggy's heads.

Now, this one's Lenny's.

Well, now, how can
you tell which is which?

Oh, Squiggy's are
the littler ones there.

Oh, I see.

What are you doin' here?

Hmm? Nothing.

Nothing.

Uh, we just, uh,
thought we would, uh, uh,

step out of the, uh, show
in the middle of the first act

for a, uh, a breath
of fresh air, that's all.

We need you!

Shh. It was terrible, Laverne!

They started throwing
fruits and vegetables at us.

And that's just half of it.

Then they started
throwing beaver food.

Beaver food?

Yeah, wooden
stuff... doors, chairs...

I got hit with a lamp

that looked just
like your father.

I'm so embarrassed.

Well!

So now you come crawlin' to us,

expectin' us to
save your hineys.

Well, let me tell
you somethin'...

We'll do it!

Great! Ah, Laverne.

You've got some
nerve comin' here

expectin' us to help you

after the way you've treated us.

Okay, there's our
costumes and our ropes.

Why you oughta get
down on your knees

and kiss these little
dainty feet of ours.

Come on, we better
get a move on, Shirl.

We wouldn't do our act for you

if you were Ted Mack himself.

I'm leavin'. I'm coming.

Now listen to me.

Listen, listen to me.

Because you waited so long
to beg us to be in this show,

we lost Fat Jack and
Elmo to work the ropes,

so you gu... listen to me!

Yeah. Listen to me.

So you boys are gonna
have to hold the ropes

for our puppet number,
ya, you understand,

you have to hold
these... Sure, sure.

You have to hold the ropes.

Mmm. You think
you can handle this?

Sure. Which end do
you want us to hold?

The end that's gonna be
wrapped around your neck

if you don't do this right.

Okay? Right now.

Come on, let's go change.

All right, all right,
you go change.

I'll warm up the audience.

Good idea. All right,

now, is everybody having a...

Oh, what do you know, you jerk?

Boo! Get him out of here!

I got a great idea.

Next year let's hold
one of these shows

without an audience. Yeah.

And now, for the act
you've all been waiting for,

my favorite act and yours.

Here they are,
Laverne and Shirley!

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, the bride wore a
gown of moonbeams ♪

♪ With a ruffle and a frill ♪

♪ And the happy young
groom wore a velvet plume ♪

♪ At the wedding
of Jack and Jill ♪

♪ Little Boy Blue,
all alone and blue ♪

♪ Sat right down and cried ♪

♪ While old King Cole
with his Fiddlers Three ♪

♪ Played "Here
Comes the Bride" ♪

Lenny, Squiggy,
I'm gonna kill you!

♪ Oh, the bride wore a
gown of moonbeams ♪

♪ With a ruffle and a frill ♪

♪ And the happy young
groom wore a velvet plume ♪

♪ At the wedding
of Jack and Jill ♪

♪ Ding Dong Bell ♪

♪ Ding Dong Ding Dong ♪

♪ Ding Dong Bell ♪

♪ Ding Dong Ding Dong ♪

♪ Ding Dong Bell ♪

Shirl... ♪ Ding Dong Bell ♪

♪ Ding Dong Bell... ♪

Oh good, Shirl,
we're back on land.

Okay, let's just head over

to the side and smile.

♪ And the three little
pigs were dancing ♪

♪ 'Cause they knew they'd... ♪

♪ And the little blind mice
threw the shoes and rice ♪

♪ At the wedding
of Jack and Jill ♪

♪ Ding Dong Bell ♪

♪ Ding Dong Ding Dong... ♪

I'm getting nauseous.

Help me, Laverne.

Hold on, hold on.

Wait'll I get my
hands on those two!

♪ How they laughed ♪

♪ At the bride and bridegroom ♪

♪ As they tumbled
down the hill ♪

♪ As the farmer in the Dell
rang the old church bell ♪

♪ At the wedding
of Jack and Jill ♪

♪ Ding Dong Bell... ♪

Oh!

Whoa!

Keep singing, Shirl.

I'm trying but I'm flying.

♪ Ding Dong, Ding Dong ♪

♪ Ding Dong Bell ♪

♪ Ding Dong, Ding Dong... ♪

What do we do next, Shirl?

Turn around and kiss.

Whew!

Boy, oh, boy,

we really gave 'em their
money's worth tonight, huh?

And to think that
it all happened

on this very stage.

Yeah, and in this very air.

You think anyone thought
we didn't plan it that way?

Only those who are
extremely familiar

with the wedding
of Jack and Jill.

Oh, come on, let's go outside.

I bet there's a bunch of
stage door Johnnies waitin'

waitin' to make out
with us. I don't want to...

Just a minute, girls.

Oh, Mr. Shotz, hello.

Hi!

I want to commend you
on turning tonight's fiasco

into a highly
entertaining evening.

Why, thank you, sir. Thanks.

Thank you.

And I'm naming you
executive directors

of this year's show.

Oh, that's real nice
of you, Mr. Shotz,

but, uh, isn't it a little late?

I mean, the show's over.

Oh, not quite.

As executive directors, you're
responsible for cleaning up,

turning off the
lights, locking up.

But Mr. Shotz!

It's not that we're
not grateful, sir,

The mops are by the piano.
But do you really think...

Thanks again.

You're welcome.

Boy, I don't believe this. Ooh.

I tell you, that man
has a heart of stone!

Why, I'll bet the
cold-blooded old goat

sweats ice water!

Hey, Shirl, roses.

Oh, oh.

They're from Mr. Shotz.

Like I said, Laverne,

a man with a heart of gold.

Mmm.

What a guy!

Boy, that Mr. Shotz
is some prankster.

Good night, Mr. Shotz,
wherever you are.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪