Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 18 - Lenny's Crush - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪



Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.

Happy New Year!

Hey!

That's not funny!

I stayed up half the night

cutting up National Geographics

to make colorful confetti
and now it's ruined!

Oh, no, it's still confetti.

The people at the baseball
game don't care if it's dirty.

No, no!

Shirl, what are you
so cranky about?

I'm not cranky.

I'm just upset, that's all.

It's an awesome responsibility

being in charge of Shotz Day
at the ball game, you know.

Yeah, she's cranky.

Get her some prune juice.

Ooh... I'm not cranky

and I don't want
any prune juice.

Okay, it's all
right, it's all right.

Okay, everybody, go home.

Shirley's too cranky.

No!

No, no, no!

Come on. No!

What are you doing? No, no.

You know, Angel
Face, Angel Face.

What?

You're beautiful
when you're cranky.

I may be beautiful,
but I'm not cranky!

Are you happy now?

This is fine, this is just fine.

Okay, you finish up.

I'm going to bed.

Aren't you going to help
me clean up this mess?

I can't.

I'm too cranky!

Okay, keep drinking.

It'll make it easier.

Come on, Squig,
come on, move it out.

You heard her, you
heard her, come on.

All right, all right.

Come with me, my
little pumpkin puss.

We'll be able to use
my apartment tonight.

My roommate won't be home.

Say, Lenny, uh, don't
come home tonight.

Hey, hey, Squig, hey.

Listen, um,

why don't you ask if
she's got a friend for me?

Well, I... I'll see
what I can do.

You got a friend for him?

Uh, she says you're just
a little too weird looking.

You know what I mean?

All right, uh, come
with me, my dear.

I've got a moth collection

that'll look great
in your beehive.

Need a weird looking guy to
help you clean up, Laverne?

Aw, Len, Len, Len.

That girl didn't know
what she was talking about.

I don't know.

Ah, you got a lot of
good things going for you.

Yeah, name one.

Well... you're a guy.

Yeah, that's always
come easy to me.

I guess I kind of take after
my old man, you know?

Well, I can tell you
something else.

Well, I happen to think
you're a real sweet guy, Len.

Nah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, and I'll
even tell you something else.

I think you're even better
looking than Squiggy.

No. Yeah.

No. It's close, but yeah.

Well, then how come
he's such a San Juan?

Uh... beats me, Len.

I guess because
he goes out with girls

who like the same
disgusting stuff that he likes.

You know, dead moths, old
sandwiches, toenail clippings.

All in one girl?

Yeah, tough to find, but...

Look, you got to explain this

to me a little better,
though, Laverne.

Okay, sit down. Okay.

See, you got to find
things in common with a girl

and then she'll like you.

Wha... you mean I got
to act all frooley-frooley

and pluck my eyebrows, right?

No, no.

Once you start plucking,
you pluck for life.

Forget it, I'm busy.

Uh, yeah, see, what
you got to do is find a girl

that likes the same
things that you like.

That's not going to
be that easy, Laverne.

Why not?

Well, I mean, I like sports.

Girls don't like sports, right?

Len, Len, Len,
where have you been?

Girls like sports.

They don't play as
good as I do, but...

Well, you.

They like watching.

Yeah? Yeah.

What about going
to monster pictures?

I mean, uh, no girl's going
to want to sit still for that.

Len, I happen to have seen
Godzilla Eats Tokyo 15 times,

and let me tell you, every
girl in that movie theater

stopped making out when
he belched up Yokohama.

It was beautiful.

Yeah, but Godzilla's sort of a
romantic monster, you know?

What are you doing, Lenny?
Making a tower, it was a...

Leave the condiments alone.

Condiments.

Come here.

Uh, Len, is any of
what I'm telling you

getting through to you?

I mean, do you hear
what I'm saying to you?

Yeah, I think I do.

Oh, good.

You're saying
that if I find a girl

that I got a lot in common with,

that she, that she's
going to like me, too, huh?

You got it.

Laverne, I think I
found somebody.

Oh, I'm so happy.

Yeah. Here you go.

Will you go to the baseball game

with me tomorrow afternoon?

Oh, sure, we'll all going.

Right, right.

I'm not even going to mind

spending the night in my
home away from home.

Where's that?

The gutter. Ah...

Len, Len, Len, come
here, come here.

You don't have to
sleep in the gutter.

You got to keep putting
money in the parking meter

every half hour.

Uh, why don't you
sleep on the couch?

I'll get you a
blanket and pillow.

Thanks, Laverne.

Thanks for helping me out, too.

Aw, that's okay.

Here you go.

You talk real good.

Nah. Yeah.

Well, you don't talk
half bad yourself,

especially when you don't spit.

You're a real sweet guy, Len.

Don't you forget that, okay?

Good night.

Len, Len, Len.

You don't kiss bad either.

Morning, Shirl.

Morning, Len.

What are you doing here?!

What are you doing here?!

I, uh, spent the
night, that's all.

What? W-Why?

So you could wake up in the
morning and see half-naked women

and do that disgusting
"Hmm..." you always do?

No, Shirl, somehow I
feel I've outgrown that.

Ah... Laverne, Laverne!

What?

I'm shaving my legs.

That's the voice of my beloved.

What are you talking about?

Lenny, you're talking in your
sleep, and believe you me,

it's as silly as
when you're awake.

No, no.

You don't have to be Mr. Wizard

to know when you've
been kissed, Shirl.

Yeah, yeah, I don't
usually kiss and tell,

but you might as well
get used to the fact

that me and Laverne are sort
of a hot item around here now.

The day you and Laverne
are a hot item is the day pigs fly.

Better clear the runway, Shirl,

'cause there's a pork roast
coming in at 12:00 high.

Don't make me laugh
so early in the morning.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Ah, you don't
think for one minute

that I'd believe that
you and Laverne...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know
it is unbelievable, Shirl,

but, but, but just when
you least expect it,

love walks through the door.

Hel-lo.

Lenny, I was looking
for you everywhere.

I was a worried stiff.

I, I couldn't find you anywhere.

I couldn't find
you in the gutters.

I started thinking

maybe, maybe you got washed
to the waste disposal plant

and was chemically treated.

Nah, even better than that.

I had myself quite a
night right here last night.

Oh, I, uh, I, I see.

I, I hope you had
a, a good time.

I could never get
her clothes off.

Don't be stupid!

No man has ever had
a good time with me.

Okay?

I'm talking about
Laverne, me and Laverne.

Cupid's arrow got
us right there, buddy.

Right between the
eyes, oh, yeah...

That's great, that's terrific.

How was she?

Fine. Yourself?

Oh, I've had a cold.

No, I meant... Laverne!

Laverne, hose down
your legs and get out here

'cause you're not
going to believe this one!

Oh, I can't believe it.

You have no idea
what... Shirl, Shirl.

Have you been using my
razor to clean carrots again?

Which one is this?

Shirl, I'm bleeding to death!

Well, you'll clot.

Come here, come here.

What? Listen to
me, listen to me.

I want to hear everything

that went on with you
and Lenny down here

last night, every detail.

At any time during the evening
did you make this sound?

No.

I didn't think so.

It was a quiet, gentle
little kiss, you know,

the kind you give a little
baby's boom-boom, you know?

What?!

Well, that quiet, gentle
little kiss has sent Lenny

right across the border
into love land with you.

Ah, go on, Shirl, Lenny's
always liked me a little.

No, no, Laverne, you
should have heard him.

He's got a serious crush on you.

You got to run upstairs
and set things straight.

Right now. Go on. Go on.

Shirl, you're making a
big deal out of nothing.

I'm not making a big deal out...

Well, I can see, my
dear, that it's time

that I told you the
story of Ned Stearns.

Oh, no, I think you
told me that story, Shirl.

Isn't he the guy
who ate crayons,

always had blue teeth? Oh, no.

That was Fred Burns. Fred Burns.

Ned Stearns was
a good-looking guy.

With webbed toes?

That was Ducky
Kerns. Ducky Kerns.

Anyway, one day, Ned
got up the nerve to ask

if he could carry my
ballet slippers home. Yeah.

I let him.

I was a fool, Laverne.

Why? Did he do
something disgusting

with your ballet slippers?

That was Allen Steckler.

Allen Steckler
used to chew socks.

Ugh, you made me
go out with him once.

Please! I'm trying to
make a point here, okay?!

Oh, I thought we were just
going down memory lane.

No, we're not just going
to go down memory lane.

The point is, I led him on.

I finally had to
break it to him.

He had to leave
town to forget me.

He went to a big-time college.

He became a big-time dentist.

And now he has a
big-time office downtown.

Big-Time Dr. Stearns!

Now I know who
you're talking about.

That's him. Boy,
what a hunk he was.

How'd you ever let him get away?

I don't know, Laverne.
I was a damn fool.

But the point is,

I hurt him because I
didn't nip it in the bud.

Ah, well, Shirl, no
one's gonna get hurt

because there is no bud to nip.

Mark my words, Laverne.

If you don't set this thing
straight with Lenny right now,

it's gonna snowball
into something big

and you're gonna
hurt that boy. Really.

Really. No.

Excuse me, I want
to get my guitar.

Oh, here you go, Len.

Okay, tell him now.

Hey, Len.

You will not believe
what Shirley thinks

went on last night. I don't care
what the world thinks, Laverne.

I stayed up all night
and wrote this song

to tell you how... What's
burning in my heart.

Oh, what's the matter?
You got heartburn?

Shirley make you
breakfast or something?

♪ I've heard it said
that life is dumb ♪

♪ The things you
want don't ever come ♪

♪ But that is not my problem ♪

♪ I'm in love with Laverne ♪

♪ The pyramids ♪

♪ The mighty Sphinx ♪

♪ A furry coat
made out of minx ♪

♪ Compared to
you, it really stinks ♪

♪ I'm in love with Laverne ♪

♪ And it's funny
how you search ♪

♪ How you search and
search and search ♪

♪ You search and
you search so hard ♪

♪ You search around the world ♪

♪ Then you find
your special girl ♪

♪ In a basement in
your own backyard ♪

♪ So now I know ♪

♪ That life's okay ♪

♪ And every dog
shall have his day ♪

♪ So that is why
I'm here to say ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in really truly
love with Laverne. ♪

What do you think?

Laverne who?

Ned Stearns.

Ned Stearns.

♪ ♪

Laverne, where have you been?

Well, Lenny took a long
time pickin' out a corsage

that would go
with my sweatshirt.

Oh, and it's a
lovely corsage, too.

Yeah. Ned Stearns
gave me one just like it.

Ned Stearns,

wasn't he the guy
with the webbed feet?

Ducky Kerns!

Hey, do you want
a hot dog, Laverne?

Uh, no, Len, maybe later.

Your wish is my command.

I'll be right back.

Batting third,

Pirate left-fielder,
Bob Skinner.

Go home, ya bum!

Stay here, ya bum.
Go home, ya bum!

Stay here, ya bum!

Don't Laverne and Lenny
make a lovely couple?

What? Well, I mean, yes, I mean,

they remind me of, uh,
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Before we know it, Bam Bam.

You have bedrock for brains.

Oh!

Hi, Laverne.

Oh, hi, Rusty.

Gee, I never knew you
were such a Braves fan.

Oh, are you kiddin'?

They got the best tushies
in the National League.

Hey, uh, look,

I've been hopin' that you
and I could get together.

What nights you good for?

Sunday through Saturday.

Pick one.

Tuesday night, 8:00.

You're on.

So... Rusty Grogan.

Trying to beat my time, huh?

Hey, take it easy, Leonard.

Take it easy! Nothing!

You snake-in-the-pants.

I challenge you to a duel.

I'll be your second. No, no.

Tomorrow morning at dawn.

Ah, dawn's no good for me.

Uh, could we try lunch time?

Don't be stupid, Len.

It's too late for that, Laverne.

I demand satisfaction.

We're satisfied.

What're you doin'?

You got 40 pounds on him.

Get outta here. Go on, get away.

Go away, go away, Rusty.

Go away, go away.

I'll see ya Tuesday.

Len, what happened?

What're you doin'? I'm
protectin' my woman.

You don't wanna go
out with that creep.

Well, yes, I did.

He's... What?

This is how you
treat your best guy?

You stab him in the back?

Len, get up here.

You make it kinda
hard to love you,

you know that, Laverne?

Batting fourth, Pittsburgh
first baseman, Dick...

Oh, your first lover's squabble.

I knew this would happen.

I knew it would happen.

Well?

I talked Lenny into comin' down.

He'll be down here.

What was he doin'?

He was hittin'
himself in the head

with a Polish sausage screaming,

"Pigs don't fly,
pigs don't fly."

Oh, he hates me, Shirl.

You were right.

I shoulda nipped
this thing in the bud.

Now everybody hates me.

Oh, don't be silly.

Nobody hates you.

You were just tryin'
to be nice, that's all.

I was, Shirl, I was.
I know you were.

It just sorta
backfired in your face.

But we can always
set these things straight

when we want to, now can't we?

Yeah.

Will you stay with me to
help set things straight?

Are you crazy?

Besides, you're going
to want to be alone.

Oh... I remember how
Ned Stearns took it.

Cried like a baby.

I had to mop him up.

It was so sad.

He cried like a baby.

Well, maybe I could tell
him through the dumbwaiter.

Ah, that is a little
impersonal, isn't it?

Shut up, sit down, listen to me.

It took me a long time to
work out what I had to say

so be quiet until
I'm finished, okay?

Okay.

"Shut up. Sit
down. Listen to me.

"It took me a long time to
work out what I have to say,

"so be quiet until I'm finished.

"You lied to me,
you hurt my feelings,

you got me punched out and
you got mustard on my best jacket."

Is that it?

Yeah, unless you
can think of something.

Get off my legs, okay?

Oh, sure.

What do you think?

You spelled mustard wrong.

Too many O's, huh?

Len, I'm sorry.

I know I shoulda
talked to ya sooner,

but I didn't want to
hurt your feelings.

Hurt 'em anyway, didn't ya?

I'll try to make it up to ya.

Okay, be my girlfriend.

No, Len, I-I can't be that.

Okay, okay then,
then, um, be my wife.

Len, I can't be that either.

You lied to me!

I can't stand it when
people lie to me!

It drives me crazy! Oh, Lenny,

I hate it when you get
in these moods, I hate it!

And when did I
lie to you anyway?

You told me if I found somebody
I had a lot in common with,

then she'd be the girl for me.

Then I was wrong.

There's somethin'
else you need, Len.

Well, what you gotta
do is tell me what it is

and I'll run right out and
get it for you, Laverne.

Len, get out from
under there, would ya?

Come here and sit down.

It's not somethin'

you could go out and get, Len.

You know that special somethin'

that happens between
a guy and a girl?

Yeah, I got that for you.

This is the hard part, Len.

Sometimes only one
person has those feelings.

You hate me.

No, I don't hate you, Len.

You big dope, I love you.

You do?

As a friend, though.

Big deal!

No, don't go under
there again, Len.

And it is a big deal.

Happens to be a very big deal.

I mean, think about it.

Girlfriends come
and girlfriends go.

But real friends,

real friends go on forever.

Like who?

Like you and Squiggy...
me and Shirley...

Heckle and Jeckle?

Yeah.

Amos and Andy?

Edgar Bergen and
Joseph McCarthy.

The way you think of him, yeah.

Friends, huh?

What do ya say?

Friends?

Okay, friends.

Hey, I feel better already.

I don't.

Oh, well, I said everything I...

Oh, no, no, no, no, Laverne.

It's just that it,
it's Saturday night

and I ain't got a
date all of a sudden.

Yeah, me neither.

There's nothin'
wrong with two friends

goin' to the movies together.

Do you know what's
playi" down at the New Vu?

What?

Godzilla on Monster Island.

You wouldn't lie to
me, would ya, Len?

In Toho-scope.

What're we sitting
here for? I don't know.

Move, move. What
are we sitting here for?

I love when that baby Godzilla

goes "Mama, Mama, Mama." Ah.

Yeah, he's in it and
Rodan and Skidura.

I think Mothra makes a
rare cameo appearance.

Ah, I love that movie.

Yeah, me too.

We really do got a lot in
common, you know that?

Lenny... put it on.

Okay.

Len, you took my coat!

Friends? Friends.

There's a cartoon, we
don't wanna miss that.

And then you add it up.

Me next, me next, me next.

Me next, me next, I'm next.

All right.

All right, ask me, ask me.

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

Mineral.

Lettuce!

Le... Oh, you got it again!

Well, you always pick lettuce

no matter if it's animal,
vegetable or mineral.

Well, of course I do.

Lettuce goes with everything.

You're losin' bad.

Bridget, uh, that's Laverne.

That's the girl I
dumped for you.

Oh, um, Squig, I'm gonna
be needin' the place tonight,

so if you don't mind makin'
other accommodations.

Let's go. Let's go!

I don't know if she's
good enough for him.

What?

Aw, you're just jealous

'cause you just seen two
people very much in love.

Just like me and Shirley.

Our hearts, they beat as one.

The day you drop dead.

What're you talkin' about?

You wanna lead him on again?

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make ♪

♪ That dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪