Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 13 - It's a Dog's Life - full transcript
Shirley befriends a German Shepard at the kennel,when its abusive owner claims he's a mad dog. Finding out all unadopted and unclaimed dogs are put to sleep,she and Laverne have a sit in. Can their efforts save him and all the other dogs?
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Meatball, Meatball,
where's my Meatball?
Meatball, now Meatball,
we brought your favorite toy.
Will you get that
out of my face?
Oh, Meatball... Squig,
will you calm down?
How am I supposed to calm down
when I lost my Uncle Elliott's
favoritest watchdog, Meatball?
I don't think it's
your fault, Squig.
It isn't, is it, Len? No!
We told him we'd meet
him in the park by the swings
at half-past 12:00.
Right, we did that.
We were right, yeah.
And I'm sure if he's not here,
some nice person will find him
and call up the Wax Museum.
Oh, come out of
your dream, Laverne!
If that dog is too
dumb to find the swings,
how is he going to
remember his phone number?
I'm Officer Newman.
What can I do for you?
Squig, it's him.
Officer Newman!
Meatball, Meatball,
it's me, Squiggy.
Oh, I don't blame you for
turning your back on me.
He's so distant, Len.
Well, just show me
some proof of ownership
and you can take him home.
Sure, he's got a
little tattoo right here.
It's, uh, kind of a
doggie mermaid.
Yeah. We did that to him. Yeah.
Yeah, when he rolls
over, he makes it dance.
Well, which one of
you is the dog's owner?
Well, uh, you see,
none of us is really
the dog's owner.
It's my Uncle Elliott's dog.
He owns the Wax Museum.
No, I gotta have
something in writing.
Well, his Uncle Elliott's in
England trying to get the queen
to put her face in wax.
Yeah, so if it's all
the same with you,
we'll just take the
dog and be on our way.
So we can take care of it.
No, I'm sorry; without
the ownership certificate
or something that you
can show that you own him,
he's got to stay
here three days.
Meatball's doing hard time.
Aw, three days isn't that bad.
Now you listen to me, warden!
You're gonna regret the day
you ever laid eyes on
Andrew Squiggman.
I already do.
Good!
That was faster than usual.
I get more
regrettable every day.
Must be.
Lenny, you forgot Jeffrey!
Oh, what is this, a rat?
Oh, Laverne, I went over
to see the kitty cats in there.
They got them all in cages,
and they're scared
and frightened,
and it's just shameful.
It's worse than a jail.
Yeah, I know.
At least, in jail,
they teach them
how to make license plates.
Here, they don't
teach 'em nothing.
Hello.
Here he is. Where
do you want him?
Here, I'll, uh, I'll take him.
Be careful, he's a mean one.
Okay.
Hey, Officer.
It's just a stuffed lizard.
What did you arrest the dog for,
not curbing himself?
I better keep him away
from the other dogs.
He's liable to set
a bad example.
The owner just said he
didn't want him anymore.
Said he turned vicious.
Uh, if he's that bad,
should she be doing that?
Hey, get away from him!
He bites!
Oh, no, he doesn't.
He's so sweet.
No, no, no, you
stay away from him!
No! He's vicious.
Why? He's so sweet.
No! He's gonna have
to be put to sleep.
What?!
No, you don't mean that.
You don't mean that.
You mean, you're going to...
you're going to gas this dog?
Wha... Laverne, they're
gonna kill that dog.
Now, just calm down.
Take it easy.
Don't get upset.
Look, if the doggie was bad,
couldn't you just ground
him for the weekend?
Yeah!
Listen, I won't stand for this.
Get me a dime.
I'm gonna call the
Animal Protection Society.
This is the Animal
Protection Society.
I can't let you kill him.
Hey, look, lady, if you
don't settle down, lady...
Hey, let go!
I got it.
I got it.
You're gonna kill this
dog over my dead body!
Can I have your
attention, please?
As, uh, vice president
of the Knapp Street
and vicinity Junior
Chamber of Commerce,
I am here to present
to Frank DeFazio
the Community Service Award.
Look, even if you're
not crazy about the guy,
it's a nice plaque.
Thank you. Thank you.
What do you mean,
they're not crazy about me?
I was supposed to
get this award last year.
Give me the award now.
Not until I finish my speech.
For your valuable
services to the community...
Excuse me. Could you
talk a little slower, please?
I'm trying to
write this all down.
He wants you to speak clear
because he's putting
it in the newspapers.
Oh! That's Carmine Ragusa.
R-A-G-U-S-A.
U-S-A. We get it.
For your valuable
services to the community,
providing food on Mothers' Day
for the Sunnyside Rest Home,
and for your meritorious...
Can I have another
beer over here, please?
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm getting an award
for being a nice guy.
Shut up!
Hey, Carmine, excuse me.
Would you stoop
down a little bit?
All I'm getting is Frank's
head and your zipper.
Oh, sure.
The Community Service
wishes to award to you,
Frank DeFazio, this award.
In addition...
Give me the award.
Give me the award!
You have provided, uh, let's
see, turkey on Christmas...
You tripped me
over there, didn't ya?
Is Mr. Frank DeFazio
in here anywhere?
Not now, I'm busy.
Listen, give me the award.
Excuse me, is
this your daughter?
No.
Give me the award.
That is his daughter.
What a big mouth.
Don't yell, Pop. I can explain.
I got a real good reason.
No, no, I'll take care of this.
I'll settle everything
in two minutes.
Listen, I'm clean, I swear.
She don't live with me, right?
Okay, give me the award!
Hey, look, this is official
police business, pal.
I'm Officer Baggatelli.
She created quite a disturbance.
Would you shut
up and let me tell it?
We were down at the pound
and they were going
to kill this vicious dog,
so Shirley handcuffed
herself to it.
So what are you
doing with the cop?
Poppy, I gave him a noogie.
You gave a guy
with a gun a noogie?
She's a DeFazio; she got guts.
Oh, that takes guts.
Well, listen, Officer, I
can vouch for this girl.
She would never give a noogie
without a very good reason.
And boy, did I
have a good reason.
I could've talked Shirley
out of the whole thing,
but he wouldn't even
let me talk to her.
Why didn't you tell me
that on the way down here?
Because I was mad at you.
'Cause you were too
busy playing with my radio.
Ow!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Go down with
the little cop there
and talk to Shirley, all right?
I can't go 'cause I got to take
pictures for the newspaper.
Come on. Go, go, go ahead!
All right, come on.
What are you sitting down for?
Do you want to go down
there with me or sit here?
Don't spit in my face!
Hey! Where you going?
I'm taking a picture
for the newspaper!
Pizza man gets award, page 30.
Woman in chains, page one.
Hey, wait, wait!
Here you are: To Mr. Nice Guy.
Wasn't that fun?
What should we do now, riot?
But seriously, dogs,
I, uh, I'd just like to say
that I don't want any of
you to worry about a thing
because I'm gonna stay right
here with you, no matter what.
Really, honestly I am.
Really, Myron, I am.
They can do anything
they want to me.
They can shove bamboo
underneath my fingernails.
They can cover me with honey
and douse me with red ants,
but I'm not leaving, no sirree.
No sirree, I'm not, I'm not.
You don't think
they'd do that thing
with the honey and
red ants, do you?
Because, frankly, I just
couldn't bear up under it.
There's no way.
Well, you said I could
play with your siren.
Not in a hospital zone!
Look, now you said you
could talk some sense into her,
so start talking.
Well, I don't think
she likes you much.
Uh, you know, I could
probably do a lot better
if you left me alone with her.
Okay, you got five minutes.
But if you can't talk
her out, just remember,
we have other methods.
Get out of here.
What other methods?
I have tear gas
out in the squad car.
Well, good for you.
I hate tear gas, Shirl.
It makes me cry.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
I... I can't Laverne, I can't.
I love this dog too much,
and as long as I stay here,
they're not gonna kill him.
And maybe they won't
kill his friends either.
Yeah, but they said
that that guy is vicious,
and he does seem a little moody.
Oh, pshaw!
He is not.
He's a pussycat.
No, he eats pussycats, Shirl.
No, Laverne, he's wonderful.
Come here and pet him.
Come on.
Come on... Come on...
Hi, doggie, how
you doing, doggie?
Aah! Forget it, Shirl!
The dog's a Nazi.
No, he's not.
No, he's not.
You're scared. Yes!
Well, he can sense it, you see.
Dogs can smell fear.
Yeah, well, I must
really be stinking.
Well, it's my fault anyway,
because I didn't
properly introduce you.
What's to know? He's a killer
and he wants to
bite my face off.
Boy! Boy!
First impressions!
I'm telling you!
Will you give him a chance?
Now, Fritzi, Fritzi, this
is my friend Laverne.
Laverne, this is
my friend Fritzi.
Now, loosen up.
Loosen up.
Get down to his level.
Get down to his level.
No fear.
Forget about fear.
Okay, that's
right, that's right.
Now loose, loose, loose.
Feel good about it.
That's it.
Now come over
here, come over here.
Hi, doggie.
He's gonna kill me, Shirl.
No, he's not. No, he's not.
Now come here, okay. Hi, doggie.
Now shake.
Come on.
Hey, Fritzi, give me your foot.
You see that? See that?
See? See?
Oh, Fritzi, that's my
best friend, Laverne.
Feel over here, feel that.
Ooh, it's all lumpy.
It's welts, where
somebody, like, you know,
beat him with a
stick or something,
and all down here, too.
Now wouldn't that
make you a little mean,
if somebody did
that to you? Huh?
I got mean if I was sent
to bed with no supper.
I know.
You see why I can't let them
kill this dog, Laverne; I can't.
Yeah, well, he is real sweet,
once you get to know him.
Yeah. But I just don't
think this is the right way.
Well, what is the
right way, then?
Well, I don't know.
Okay, your time is up.
Are you coming out?
No, I'm not.
As long as this dog's
here, I'm staying here.
And, uh, I've been thinking
about staying here with her.
Very good.
Very good indeed.
Shirl, I was still thinking.
Why didn't you say that?
So that's why we're here.
Will you put it in
the newspaper?
You know girls, you've got a
nice, tender little story here,
but it could use some pizzazz.
Anything. Anything
we can do to help at all.
I think you should starve yourselves
to death. Yes, yes, if it would help,
that, that would be good.
No, I don't think it would help.
Come on. It wouldn't
help. It wouldn't help.
Okay, forget it.
Why don't you just
tell me your story?
Okay, all right... uh, my
name is Shirley Feeney,
and in my humble opinion,
I think that they should take
dog pounds everywhere
and level them to the ground.
And then put up these
little parks, you see,
where the dogs run free,
and then, people come
there to adopt them.
And they should never kill them.
That's a great idea.
Thank you. What about you?
I'm Laverne DeFazio,
single, 36, 24, 36.
Laverne!
All right, 34, 24, 36.
Laverne!
35 and a half, 27, 38.
Laverne! What does
it look like to you, huh?
What do you think?
♪ ♪
That was very pretty,
very pretty. Thanks.
But I think you should do
something a little more up-tempo,
because you see how...
Yeah, but I played "Zippity
Do Dah" 12 times already, Shirl.
Yeah, but still, Laverne...
Do you think that's
really very good for you?
I mean, you've eaten
half a bag of that stuff.
I'm telling you Shirl,
kibble ain't bad,
especially the ones
shaped like little chickens.
You want...? No.
Well, we'll remember that the
next time we go shopping, won't we?
Shirl, I'm starving to death.
I hate it here in this
doggie dungeon.
Shh!
Do you want them to hear you?
Aren't their spirits low
enough without you saying...
"dungeon"?
Keep your spirits up.
I don't want to say
anything, Laverne.
I didn't want to
tell you this, but...
look over there at Myron.
Look at him.
He hasn't wagged
his tail in hours.
We've got to do something.
Come on. Aw, no.
Come on, get up.
Come on, come on.
Everybody, come
on, get up, get up.
Come on, come
on, come on... I will!
Oh, Myron.
Myron, come on, Myron,
what's the matter with you?
Myron, get up and
wag... Come on!
Shh, Barney, Barney!
Myron, get up there
and wag that tail!
Come on, your tail! Waggie tail!
Come on! Waggie tail!
Waggie tail! Come on, Myron.
Huh?
Curly... Larry, Moe...
Pay attention! Pay attention!
Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo!
That works.
That works! Okay, that works!
Okay, we've got to
keep their spirits up now.
Come on, come on, let's
liven this place up a little bit.
I'll play. Come on,
come on, come on!
Look at Buffy here,
everybody, look at her.
Now this is the
way we should be.
She's a little furry optimist.
She knows that by tomorrow
she could be adopted by a doctor
who's handsome and wealthy,
and has table scraps
and a fireplace, and...
Could you get his
phone number for me?
We should all take
a lesson from her.
So everybody, stick out your
tongues, and wag your tails,
and pant for joy till
the cows come home!
That was just beautiful.
Aw, thank you, Shirl.
I tried. Just beautiful.
You see, we can't let
our spirits down now,
because if we do that,
it would be nothing
but sheer stupidity.
Hello.
Lenny! Squiggy!
What are you boys doing here?
We've come to
spring out Meatball.
What are you doing here?
I'm making a statement.
Yeah, well shut up,
we got work to do.
How come you're all chained
up like women with rabies?
Well, it's a long story, but we
chained ourselves to this dog so that
they won't kill him
and maybe they won't
kill the rest of his friends.
Well, that's exactly
what we're doing here.
We came to pop
Meatball out of this joint
before the dirty screws
put him in the electric chair.
Well, good for you.
Len, Len, they ain't going
to electrocute Meatball.
The governor called?
He didn't call.
They're just not gonna... Well,
Squig, how's the disguise coming?
A disguise for a dog?
That's right, we
brought him a cat suit.
That's just great.
That is just great.
No one would ever
suspect a 70-pound cat.
Especially not if he's chasing
a couple of economy-size mice.
Huh?
We thought of everything.
Listen, Meatball,
listen to me: I want
you to go out there
and pretend you're a cat.
Anyone looks
suspicious, start to purr.
The escape route! Yeah!
Oh, Fabian, oh,
Fabian, Fabian...
Fab... oh, Fab...
Shirl, you better wake up.
It ain't Fabian, it's Fritzi.
Oh, hi, Fritz.
No wonder Fabian's breath
smelled of bits of kidney.
Shirl. What?
These cages are
so uncomfortable.
Don't get up! Don't get up!
They're so uncomfortable.
Don't get up! If
you get up, I...
If you get up... Laverne,
please, please, pretty...
Shirl... Please,
please... Wait a minute.
I'm hooked here.
Don't make sudden
moves like that, Shirl.
Wait, please...
Come here... wait a
minute. Wait a second.
Will you wait a second, please?
I'm just... Shirl,
there's a man here.
Come on, Shirl. Come on.
Oh, go on and get around there.
Wait a second... Here, wait...
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
What are you doing to me?!
Here, let me through here.
That's it. That's it.
Now let me through.
Okay, that's it.
Now make that fancy...
There, I think I... there.
Just a sec... I think
we... may just...
We'll be right with you.
Hi.
You're still here, huh?
That's right.
Well I guess you two
didn't do any good. What?
In a half hour, we're
transferring all these dogs
to the Westside Pound
for their last meal.
No!
No, you can't mean that.
I can't believe that.
You have... These
dogs don't deserve to die.
There must be some other way.
There must be something else.
Yeah? Like what?
Well, like uh...
Well, I've been thinking about
having like a Doggie Olympics.
You know, divide them
all up into nations...
The French Poodles,
the German Shepherds...
and, uh Cocker Spaniards.
And then have uh,
relay races, you know.
Put little batons
in their mouths
and let them run
all over the place?
And they could even
jump the hurdles.
I don't know what they'll
do with the pole vault,
but they'll come
up with something.
Is she for real?
Well, at least
she's got an idea.
I mean, as ludicrous as
it may be, she has one.
Well, they'd probably
put it on television.
The point is, there has
to be plenty of places
for dogs like these.
I mean, really, like,
uh... like in the navy,
the navy would take them,
or the army, the army...
or they could be
watchdogs like Fritzi here.
Or, or, or um... I know I know!
Elementary schools
would take them as mascots
and the children could
take care of them all day,
and then the custodians
could take care of them at night.
Or, or...
Oh, there must be lots
of lonely people out there
who'd love a dog as a
companion to take care of.
The point is... Laverne, please.
The point is that... that
these dogs deserve to live,
and once, and once
people read about us,
things are going to
change, you'll see.
The papers have been
out on the streets for hours.
You see anybody
breaking down these doors?
Look, I got to go
call for the truck.
Face it, nothing's going to
change because nobody cares.
Please.
I care.
I care, too, Shirl.
I know you do.
Laverne! Shirley?
Oh, there you are.
Pop, Edna, what
are you doing here?
I just came to see who
you're chained to today.
'Cause we read about
you in the newspaper.
Really? That's some article!
Oh, look at this!
"Perky, courageous
Shirley Feeney
risks all to save animals."
Oh, and look at this, they call
me "your faithful companion."
I feel just like Tonto.
Oh, look! This is wonderful.
They printed what I said about giving
dogs to old people as companions.
Yeah, and it worked.
Frank called the
Sunnyside Retirement Home
and they want us to pick
out some dogs for them.
They do?!
Oh, Pop, that's terrific!
I guess I'll get an award
for this next year, huh?
I hope you do! I hope you do!
Frank, look! Look!
There's a dog that has a
moustache and eyebrows
just like yours!
I don't believe this!
There's not one word in
here about my measurements.
Well, you should
thank God for that.
Okay, everybody, don't shove.
All right, spread
out, spread out.
Pick yourself out a dog.
Carmine.
Listen, uh, I wanted
to help out too,
so I passed your article around
to the people down
at the dance studio,
and I offered ten
free tango lessons
to anybody who'll adopt a pet.
What a guy! Carmine!
Get over here!
Get over here! Get over here!
Excuse me.
Excuse me? Excuse me?
Oh!
Oh, dear, you're not
going to print any of this.
I mean, we're not serious
or planning anything
serious at the moment.
No.
Oh, good, good.
Get out of here, Carmine.
Beat it, will ya?
No, I came to get Fritz.
You came to get Fritz? What for?
Well, my editor liked
the article so much,
he decided to give me a raise
and I thought I'd
share it with Fritz.
You're going to
take Fritzi? Right.
You're going to give him a home?
Fritzi, Fritzi, did
you hear that?
Oh, Fritzi!
He's gonna give you
a home! Isn't that nice?
You'll be with Scoop.
I know we've been through a lot,
and I'll come and visit,
and maybe we'll
write each other,
and you will be nice
to him, won't you? Sure.
And scratch him
behind the ears a lot,
'cause he really likes that.
Good-bye, Fritzi.
If you ever take up the harmonica,
he really loves "Donkey Serenade."
Terrific.
Nice meeting you, girls.
Thanks for everything
you did for him.
Bye, Fritzi! Good-bye.
Okay, folks, everybody out
this way to fill out the papers,
so you can take your dogs home.
A dog that looks like you.
Hey, girls, thanks.
Anytime, Newman.
Anytime we can be of help.
Boy, Shirl, we did it.
We really made some little
dog" tails wag today, didn't we?
We certainly did.
And you see? You see that?
If you give humanity
half a chance,
they care about
their fellow creatures.
Good job, Shirl.
Nice work, pal.
DeFazio.
Oh, Baggatelli, what
are you down here?
Wanted to see us suffer?
No... you've been
here all night.
You must be starving, huh?
Starving?! I could eat a horse.
Sorry, Shirl.
Anyway, how about a little
breakfast, just you and me?
I'll spring for it.
Okay, you're on.
Wait a minute, wait a
second... Could you unlock us?
Oh, I can't do
that. I'm off duty.
You'll have to wait till
afternoon for that. What!?
I don't want to go
to breakfast! No!
I'm only springing
for one breakfast now!
Now he won't even
pay for breakfast!
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Meatball, Meatball,
where's my Meatball?
Meatball, now Meatball,
we brought your favorite toy.
Will you get that
out of my face?
Oh, Meatball... Squig,
will you calm down?
How am I supposed to calm down
when I lost my Uncle Elliott's
favoritest watchdog, Meatball?
I don't think it's
your fault, Squig.
It isn't, is it, Len? No!
We told him we'd meet
him in the park by the swings
at half-past 12:00.
Right, we did that.
We were right, yeah.
And I'm sure if he's not here,
some nice person will find him
and call up the Wax Museum.
Oh, come out of
your dream, Laverne!
If that dog is too
dumb to find the swings,
how is he going to
remember his phone number?
I'm Officer Newman.
What can I do for you?
Squig, it's him.
Officer Newman!
Meatball, Meatball,
it's me, Squiggy.
Oh, I don't blame you for
turning your back on me.
He's so distant, Len.
Well, just show me
some proof of ownership
and you can take him home.
Sure, he's got a
little tattoo right here.
It's, uh, kind of a
doggie mermaid.
Yeah. We did that to him. Yeah.
Yeah, when he rolls
over, he makes it dance.
Well, which one of
you is the dog's owner?
Well, uh, you see,
none of us is really
the dog's owner.
It's my Uncle Elliott's dog.
He owns the Wax Museum.
No, I gotta have
something in writing.
Well, his Uncle Elliott's in
England trying to get the queen
to put her face in wax.
Yeah, so if it's all
the same with you,
we'll just take the
dog and be on our way.
So we can take care of it.
No, I'm sorry; without
the ownership certificate
or something that you
can show that you own him,
he's got to stay
here three days.
Meatball's doing hard time.
Aw, three days isn't that bad.
Now you listen to me, warden!
You're gonna regret the day
you ever laid eyes on
Andrew Squiggman.
I already do.
Good!
That was faster than usual.
I get more
regrettable every day.
Must be.
Lenny, you forgot Jeffrey!
Oh, what is this, a rat?
Oh, Laverne, I went over
to see the kitty cats in there.
They got them all in cages,
and they're scared
and frightened,
and it's just shameful.
It's worse than a jail.
Yeah, I know.
At least, in jail,
they teach them
how to make license plates.
Here, they don't
teach 'em nothing.
Hello.
Here he is. Where
do you want him?
Here, I'll, uh, I'll take him.
Be careful, he's a mean one.
Okay.
Hey, Officer.
It's just a stuffed lizard.
What did you arrest the dog for,
not curbing himself?
I better keep him away
from the other dogs.
He's liable to set
a bad example.
The owner just said he
didn't want him anymore.
Said he turned vicious.
Uh, if he's that bad,
should she be doing that?
Hey, get away from him!
He bites!
Oh, no, he doesn't.
He's so sweet.
No, no, no, you
stay away from him!
No! He's vicious.
Why? He's so sweet.
No! He's gonna have
to be put to sleep.
What?!
No, you don't mean that.
You don't mean that.
You mean, you're going to...
you're going to gas this dog?
Wha... Laverne, they're
gonna kill that dog.
Now, just calm down.
Take it easy.
Don't get upset.
Look, if the doggie was bad,
couldn't you just ground
him for the weekend?
Yeah!
Listen, I won't stand for this.
Get me a dime.
I'm gonna call the
Animal Protection Society.
This is the Animal
Protection Society.
I can't let you kill him.
Hey, look, lady, if you
don't settle down, lady...
Hey, let go!
I got it.
I got it.
You're gonna kill this
dog over my dead body!
Can I have your
attention, please?
As, uh, vice president
of the Knapp Street
and vicinity Junior
Chamber of Commerce,
I am here to present
to Frank DeFazio
the Community Service Award.
Look, even if you're
not crazy about the guy,
it's a nice plaque.
Thank you. Thank you.
What do you mean,
they're not crazy about me?
I was supposed to
get this award last year.
Give me the award now.
Not until I finish my speech.
For your valuable
services to the community...
Excuse me. Could you
talk a little slower, please?
I'm trying to
write this all down.
He wants you to speak clear
because he's putting
it in the newspapers.
Oh! That's Carmine Ragusa.
R-A-G-U-S-A.
U-S-A. We get it.
For your valuable
services to the community,
providing food on Mothers' Day
for the Sunnyside Rest Home,
and for your meritorious...
Can I have another
beer over here, please?
Hey, hey, hey!
I'm getting an award
for being a nice guy.
Shut up!
Hey, Carmine, excuse me.
Would you stoop
down a little bit?
All I'm getting is Frank's
head and your zipper.
Oh, sure.
The Community Service
wishes to award to you,
Frank DeFazio, this award.
In addition...
Give me the award.
Give me the award!
You have provided, uh, let's
see, turkey on Christmas...
You tripped me
over there, didn't ya?
Is Mr. Frank DeFazio
in here anywhere?
Not now, I'm busy.
Listen, give me the award.
Excuse me, is
this your daughter?
No.
Give me the award.
That is his daughter.
What a big mouth.
Don't yell, Pop. I can explain.
I got a real good reason.
No, no, I'll take care of this.
I'll settle everything
in two minutes.
Listen, I'm clean, I swear.
She don't live with me, right?
Okay, give me the award!
Hey, look, this is official
police business, pal.
I'm Officer Baggatelli.
She created quite a disturbance.
Would you shut
up and let me tell it?
We were down at the pound
and they were going
to kill this vicious dog,
so Shirley handcuffed
herself to it.
So what are you
doing with the cop?
Poppy, I gave him a noogie.
You gave a guy
with a gun a noogie?
She's a DeFazio; she got guts.
Oh, that takes guts.
Well, listen, Officer, I
can vouch for this girl.
She would never give a noogie
without a very good reason.
And boy, did I
have a good reason.
I could've talked Shirley
out of the whole thing,
but he wouldn't even
let me talk to her.
Why didn't you tell me
that on the way down here?
Because I was mad at you.
'Cause you were too
busy playing with my radio.
Ow!
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Go down with
the little cop there
and talk to Shirley, all right?
I can't go 'cause I got to take
pictures for the newspaper.
Come on. Go, go, go ahead!
All right, come on.
What are you sitting down for?
Do you want to go down
there with me or sit here?
Don't spit in my face!
Hey! Where you going?
I'm taking a picture
for the newspaper!
Pizza man gets award, page 30.
Woman in chains, page one.
Hey, wait, wait!
Here you are: To Mr. Nice Guy.
Wasn't that fun?
What should we do now, riot?
But seriously, dogs,
I, uh, I'd just like to say
that I don't want any of
you to worry about a thing
because I'm gonna stay right
here with you, no matter what.
Really, honestly I am.
Really, Myron, I am.
They can do anything
they want to me.
They can shove bamboo
underneath my fingernails.
They can cover me with honey
and douse me with red ants,
but I'm not leaving, no sirree.
No sirree, I'm not, I'm not.
You don't think
they'd do that thing
with the honey and
red ants, do you?
Because, frankly, I just
couldn't bear up under it.
There's no way.
Well, you said I could
play with your siren.
Not in a hospital zone!
Look, now you said you
could talk some sense into her,
so start talking.
Well, I don't think
she likes you much.
Uh, you know, I could
probably do a lot better
if you left me alone with her.
Okay, you got five minutes.
But if you can't talk
her out, just remember,
we have other methods.
Get out of here.
What other methods?
I have tear gas
out in the squad car.
Well, good for you.
I hate tear gas, Shirl.
It makes me cry.
Come on. Let's get out of here.
I... I can't Laverne, I can't.
I love this dog too much,
and as long as I stay here,
they're not gonna kill him.
And maybe they won't
kill his friends either.
Yeah, but they said
that that guy is vicious,
and he does seem a little moody.
Oh, pshaw!
He is not.
He's a pussycat.
No, he eats pussycats, Shirl.
No, Laverne, he's wonderful.
Come here and pet him.
Come on.
Come on... Come on...
Hi, doggie, how
you doing, doggie?
Aah! Forget it, Shirl!
The dog's a Nazi.
No, he's not.
No, he's not.
You're scared. Yes!
Well, he can sense it, you see.
Dogs can smell fear.
Yeah, well, I must
really be stinking.
Well, it's my fault anyway,
because I didn't
properly introduce you.
What's to know? He's a killer
and he wants to
bite my face off.
Boy! Boy!
First impressions!
I'm telling you!
Will you give him a chance?
Now, Fritzi, Fritzi, this
is my friend Laverne.
Laverne, this is
my friend Fritzi.
Now, loosen up.
Loosen up.
Get down to his level.
Get down to his level.
No fear.
Forget about fear.
Okay, that's
right, that's right.
Now loose, loose, loose.
Feel good about it.
That's it.
Now come over
here, come over here.
Hi, doggie.
He's gonna kill me, Shirl.
No, he's not. No, he's not.
Now come here, okay. Hi, doggie.
Now shake.
Come on.
Hey, Fritzi, give me your foot.
You see that? See that?
See? See?
Oh, Fritzi, that's my
best friend, Laverne.
Feel over here, feel that.
Ooh, it's all lumpy.
It's welts, where
somebody, like, you know,
beat him with a
stick or something,
and all down here, too.
Now wouldn't that
make you a little mean,
if somebody did
that to you? Huh?
I got mean if I was sent
to bed with no supper.
I know.
You see why I can't let them
kill this dog, Laverne; I can't.
Yeah, well, he is real sweet,
once you get to know him.
Yeah. But I just don't
think this is the right way.
Well, what is the
right way, then?
Well, I don't know.
Okay, your time is up.
Are you coming out?
No, I'm not.
As long as this dog's
here, I'm staying here.
And, uh, I've been thinking
about staying here with her.
Very good.
Very good indeed.
Shirl, I was still thinking.
Why didn't you say that?
So that's why we're here.
Will you put it in
the newspaper?
You know girls, you've got a
nice, tender little story here,
but it could use some pizzazz.
Anything. Anything
we can do to help at all.
I think you should starve yourselves
to death. Yes, yes, if it would help,
that, that would be good.
No, I don't think it would help.
Come on. It wouldn't
help. It wouldn't help.
Okay, forget it.
Why don't you just
tell me your story?
Okay, all right... uh, my
name is Shirley Feeney,
and in my humble opinion,
I think that they should take
dog pounds everywhere
and level them to the ground.
And then put up these
little parks, you see,
where the dogs run free,
and then, people come
there to adopt them.
And they should never kill them.
That's a great idea.
Thank you. What about you?
I'm Laverne DeFazio,
single, 36, 24, 36.
Laverne!
All right, 34, 24, 36.
Laverne!
35 and a half, 27, 38.
Laverne! What does
it look like to you, huh?
What do you think?
♪ ♪
That was very pretty,
very pretty. Thanks.
But I think you should do
something a little more up-tempo,
because you see how...
Yeah, but I played "Zippity
Do Dah" 12 times already, Shirl.
Yeah, but still, Laverne...
Do you think that's
really very good for you?
I mean, you've eaten
half a bag of that stuff.
I'm telling you Shirl,
kibble ain't bad,
especially the ones
shaped like little chickens.
You want...? No.
Well, we'll remember that the
next time we go shopping, won't we?
Shirl, I'm starving to death.
I hate it here in this
doggie dungeon.
Shh!
Do you want them to hear you?
Aren't their spirits low
enough without you saying...
"dungeon"?
Keep your spirits up.
I don't want to say
anything, Laverne.
I didn't want to
tell you this, but...
look over there at Myron.
Look at him.
He hasn't wagged
his tail in hours.
We've got to do something.
Come on. Aw, no.
Come on, get up.
Come on, come on.
Everybody, come
on, get up, get up.
Come on, come
on, come on... I will!
Oh, Myron.
Myron, come on, Myron,
what's the matter with you?
Myron, get up and
wag... Come on!
Shh, Barney, Barney!
Myron, get up there
and wag that tail!
Come on, your tail! Waggie tail!
Come on! Waggie tail!
Waggie tail! Come on, Myron.
Huh?
Curly... Larry, Moe...
Pay attention! Pay attention!
Whoo-whoo-whoo! Whoo-whoo-whoo!
That works.
That works! Okay, that works!
Okay, we've got to
keep their spirits up now.
Come on, come on, let's
liven this place up a little bit.
I'll play. Come on,
come on, come on!
Look at Buffy here,
everybody, look at her.
Now this is the
way we should be.
She's a little furry optimist.
She knows that by tomorrow
she could be adopted by a doctor
who's handsome and wealthy,
and has table scraps
and a fireplace, and...
Could you get his
phone number for me?
We should all take
a lesson from her.
So everybody, stick out your
tongues, and wag your tails,
and pant for joy till
the cows come home!
That was just beautiful.
Aw, thank you, Shirl.
I tried. Just beautiful.
You see, we can't let
our spirits down now,
because if we do that,
it would be nothing
but sheer stupidity.
Hello.
Lenny! Squiggy!
What are you boys doing here?
We've come to
spring out Meatball.
What are you doing here?
I'm making a statement.
Yeah, well shut up,
we got work to do.
How come you're all chained
up like women with rabies?
Well, it's a long story, but we
chained ourselves to this dog so that
they won't kill him
and maybe they won't
kill the rest of his friends.
Well, that's exactly
what we're doing here.
We came to pop
Meatball out of this joint
before the dirty screws
put him in the electric chair.
Well, good for you.
Len, Len, they ain't going
to electrocute Meatball.
The governor called?
He didn't call.
They're just not gonna... Well,
Squig, how's the disguise coming?
A disguise for a dog?
That's right, we
brought him a cat suit.
That's just great.
That is just great.
No one would ever
suspect a 70-pound cat.
Especially not if he's chasing
a couple of economy-size mice.
Huh?
We thought of everything.
Listen, Meatball,
listen to me: I want
you to go out there
and pretend you're a cat.
Anyone looks
suspicious, start to purr.
The escape route! Yeah!
Oh, Fabian, oh,
Fabian, Fabian...
Fab... oh, Fab...
Shirl, you better wake up.
It ain't Fabian, it's Fritzi.
Oh, hi, Fritz.
No wonder Fabian's breath
smelled of bits of kidney.
Shirl. What?
These cages are
so uncomfortable.
Don't get up! Don't get up!
They're so uncomfortable.
Don't get up! If
you get up, I...
If you get up... Laverne,
please, please, pretty...
Shirl... Please,
please... Wait a minute.
I'm hooked here.
Don't make sudden
moves like that, Shirl.
Wait, please...
Come here... wait a
minute. Wait a second.
Will you wait a second, please?
I'm just... Shirl,
there's a man here.
Come on, Shirl. Come on.
Oh, go on and get around there.
Wait a second... Here, wait...
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
What are you doing to me?!
Here, let me through here.
That's it. That's it.
Now let me through.
Okay, that's it.
Now make that fancy...
There, I think I... there.
Just a sec... I think
we... may just...
We'll be right with you.
Hi.
You're still here, huh?
That's right.
Well I guess you two
didn't do any good. What?
In a half hour, we're
transferring all these dogs
to the Westside Pound
for their last meal.
No!
No, you can't mean that.
I can't believe that.
You have... These
dogs don't deserve to die.
There must be some other way.
There must be something else.
Yeah? Like what?
Well, like uh...
Well, I've been thinking about
having like a Doggie Olympics.
You know, divide them
all up into nations...
The French Poodles,
the German Shepherds...
and, uh Cocker Spaniards.
And then have uh,
relay races, you know.
Put little batons
in their mouths
and let them run
all over the place?
And they could even
jump the hurdles.
I don't know what they'll
do with the pole vault,
but they'll come
up with something.
Is she for real?
Well, at least
she's got an idea.
I mean, as ludicrous as
it may be, she has one.
Well, they'd probably
put it on television.
The point is, there has
to be plenty of places
for dogs like these.
I mean, really, like,
uh... like in the navy,
the navy would take them,
or the army, the army...
or they could be
watchdogs like Fritzi here.
Or, or, or um... I know I know!
Elementary schools
would take them as mascots
and the children could
take care of them all day,
and then the custodians
could take care of them at night.
Or, or...
Oh, there must be lots
of lonely people out there
who'd love a dog as a
companion to take care of.
The point is... Laverne, please.
The point is that... that
these dogs deserve to live,
and once, and once
people read about us,
things are going to
change, you'll see.
The papers have been
out on the streets for hours.
You see anybody
breaking down these doors?
Look, I got to go
call for the truck.
Face it, nothing's going to
change because nobody cares.
Please.
I care.
I care, too, Shirl.
I know you do.
Laverne! Shirley?
Oh, there you are.
Pop, Edna, what
are you doing here?
I just came to see who
you're chained to today.
'Cause we read about
you in the newspaper.
Really? That's some article!
Oh, look at this!
"Perky, courageous
Shirley Feeney
risks all to save animals."
Oh, and look at this, they call
me "your faithful companion."
I feel just like Tonto.
Oh, look! This is wonderful.
They printed what I said about giving
dogs to old people as companions.
Yeah, and it worked.
Frank called the
Sunnyside Retirement Home
and they want us to pick
out some dogs for them.
They do?!
Oh, Pop, that's terrific!
I guess I'll get an award
for this next year, huh?
I hope you do! I hope you do!
Frank, look! Look!
There's a dog that has a
moustache and eyebrows
just like yours!
I don't believe this!
There's not one word in
here about my measurements.
Well, you should
thank God for that.
Okay, everybody, don't shove.
All right, spread
out, spread out.
Pick yourself out a dog.
Carmine.
Listen, uh, I wanted
to help out too,
so I passed your article around
to the people down
at the dance studio,
and I offered ten
free tango lessons
to anybody who'll adopt a pet.
What a guy! Carmine!
Get over here!
Get over here! Get over here!
Excuse me.
Excuse me? Excuse me?
Oh!
Oh, dear, you're not
going to print any of this.
I mean, we're not serious
or planning anything
serious at the moment.
No.
Oh, good, good.
Get out of here, Carmine.
Beat it, will ya?
No, I came to get Fritz.
You came to get Fritz? What for?
Well, my editor liked
the article so much,
he decided to give me a raise
and I thought I'd
share it with Fritz.
You're going to
take Fritzi? Right.
You're going to give him a home?
Fritzi, Fritzi, did
you hear that?
Oh, Fritzi!
He's gonna give you
a home! Isn't that nice?
You'll be with Scoop.
I know we've been through a lot,
and I'll come and visit,
and maybe we'll
write each other,
and you will be nice
to him, won't you? Sure.
And scratch him
behind the ears a lot,
'cause he really likes that.
Good-bye, Fritzi.
If you ever take up the harmonica,
he really loves "Donkey Serenade."
Terrific.
Nice meeting you, girls.
Thanks for everything
you did for him.
Bye, Fritzi! Good-bye.
Okay, folks, everybody out
this way to fill out the papers,
so you can take your dogs home.
A dog that looks like you.
Hey, girls, thanks.
Anytime, Newman.
Anytime we can be of help.
Boy, Shirl, we did it.
We really made some little
dog" tails wag today, didn't we?
We certainly did.
And you see? You see that?
If you give humanity
half a chance,
they care about
their fellow creatures.
Good job, Shirl.
Nice work, pal.
DeFazio.
Oh, Baggatelli, what
are you down here?
Wanted to see us suffer?
No... you've been
here all night.
You must be starving, huh?
Starving?! I could eat a horse.
Sorry, Shirl.
Anyway, how about a little
breakfast, just you and me?
I'll spring for it.
Okay, you're on.
Wait a minute, wait a
second... Could you unlock us?
Oh, I can't do
that. I'm off duty.
You'll have to wait till
afternoon for that. What!?
I don't want to go
to breakfast! No!
I'm only springing
for one breakfast now!
Now he won't even
pay for breakfast!
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪