Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 14 - O Come All Ye Bums - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
♪ On the 12th day of Christmas
my true love sent to me ♪
♪ 12 lords a-leaping ♪
♪ 11 ladies dresses ♪
♪ Ten pipers piping ♪
♪ Nine drummers
drumming together ♪
♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪
♪ Seven, come eleven ♪
Hold it.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Christmas comes but once a year.
I know that.
And during that
season I love to sing.
Me, too. I know you do.
But you sing off key,
which we both know.
And unfortunately,
that draws attention to the fact
that you're singing
the wrong words.
♪ Six geese a-laying ♪
♪ Five golden rings ♪
♪ Five golden rings ♪
♪ Four calling birds ♪
♪ Three blind mice ♪
♪ Two turtle doves ♪
♪ And a partridge ♪
♪ And a partridge ♪
♪ In a pear ♪
♪ In a pear ♪
♪ Pear ♪
♪ Tree. ♪
♪ Tree. ♪
Very nice.
Let's sing it again,
okay? No, no.
No, no, no, let's finish
the tree first, okay?
All right, now hand me
the string of popcorn.
I ate the popcorn.
You ate the popcorn?
You ate the popcorn?!
We were up half the
night stringing that popcorn.
Well, that's what
made me hungry.
So you ate it?!
String and all?
No.
I used the string to floss.
You know how those
kernels get up in your teeth...
I don't want to hear a report
about your dental hygiene, okay?
I'll just put this
gingerbread star on top.
I'd go with the angel.
You ate the star...
You ate the star, too?
Not all of it.
One point.
You ate one point.
This star has been in my
family for 11 years, Laverne.
I couldn't tell, I dunked it.
I can't believe you!
All right, I'll just put the little
angel on the top and then
we'll be done. Wait a
second, I want to put it up, too.
Please, please, don't
handle it like that, it's delicate.
It's not a wishbone, okay?
You take one wing
and I'll take the other
and we'll just...
Oh, it's just like the
littlest Christmas tree.
It's beautiful.
Okay, plug the sucker in and
let's see what she looks like.
Oh! Oh... Oh.
Oh, you got those
blinking lights.
Yeah.
When do they... when
do they blink on again?
Maybe next Christmas.
Maybe it's someone
with presents.
Oh, boy, our first present!
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, hi, Rags.
Hi!
Come on in. Come
on in. How are you?
Hey, Rags, how's the
bum business, huh?
Don't say that.
He's not a bum. He's a...
Hallelujah, I am a bum.
One of the best of them, too.
How are you doing, Rags?
Oh, I'm bummed out.
I was looking for Mr. DeFazio,
but he's not down at
the, uh, the Pizza Bowl.
I thought maybe he'd be here.
No... yeah, go ahead.
He's not here, we
haven't seen him.
In fact, we haven't seen
him in a couple of days.
He's not in trouble
with the law, is he,
Laverne? Aw, no.
He gives the cops
pizzas under the table.
Anyway, I spoke to him
on the phone last night
and he sounded great.
He was mixing up
the egg nog. Whoo.
Hey, I wanted to
talk to him about
the annual Christmas
dinner he gives.
Oh, yeah. Nice.
We all can't wait for that.
How many friends
are you bringing?
36.
Ooh, 36?
Yeah, I have my
guest list right here.
We'll be coming from crates
and doorways all over town.
Oh, well, the more,
the merrier, you know.
Okay, we'll see you at the dinner,
okay? Yeah, see you at the dinner.
Listen, as long as he's
checking out that egg nog,
could you tell him
from us that this year,
we would like a lot less egg,
and a lot more nog.
I get it, Rags.
See you. Bye-bye.
Okay, Laverne, when
we get in that store,
grab everything you
can get your hands on.
Look at this, perfect
for Mrs. Babish.
Oh, absolutely, they're
lined and every...
Excuse me, but...
excuse me, but
we're taking these.
Not if I can help it.
Look, lady, I hate
to break this to you,
but this ain't
exactly your size.
They're exactly my
size, seven petite.
Oh, ma'am, ma'am...
Madeleine, come and help me.
Come on, Shirl, we
almost got her beached.
Come on! Verne, come over here.
Pull back, Shirl, pull, pull!
Pull!
Get out of our way, sir!
Can't you see we're shopping?
Hold on, hold on. Hold on,
I got it! I got it!
I got it! Ladies,
80% off.
No! Not me!
Attention shoppers,
right now on the fifth floor
is a sale on slightly
irregular gloves.
Some, missing only one finger.
Get up, get up.
Get up.
Where's my jacket?
Shirl, that man took my shoe.
So you limp.
Let's get to those
slightly irregular gloves.
Yeah, they'd be perfect for
my cousin Vito, the butcher.
Hi, kids, Merry Christmas
to one and all of you.
Uh, Santa Claus will be out in
just, just a couple of minutes.
You'll recognize Santa
'cause he's jolly and fat,
and he's twinkling all
over the place. That's right.
All right, let's form
a line, shall we?
Yeah, get over in line
there, kids. Let's go.
Come on, all right.
Sonny, you can't sit
here. You have to form a...
Why don't you go
over there, little man?
Thank you.
All right, suck in your chest
and pull out your arms,
and you better not pout
and you better not cry.
'Cause Santa Claus
is coming to town.
And he's in a lousy mood.
Who are you guys and where
did you get those stupid costumes?
We are an elf and a fairy.
I'm the elf.
Anyway, we are Santa's
helpers just for today.
That's right.
I don't want helpers,
I want Santa.
Where's Santa?
"Get Santa." I ought to...
Don't worry, sonny,
he's in the back gluing
on his fake beard.
How could you?
Hey, you're going to
ruin it for that kid
and everybody else.
I got to break it to them
sometime, you know.
Just like I had to
break it to you last year.
I want to thank you for
letting me down easy.
I'll let the children down, too.
All right, now for those
of youse what still believes
in this Santa Claus jazz, I just
want to tell you, there's gonna
be a fat man in a red
suit coming out here.
Now don't ask for ID,
otherwise your dream
is down the drain.
That's beautiful.
Thank you.
Right now he is
feeding his reindeer,
and that would be Donner,
Dasher, Smasher and Blitzkrieg.
He's got a German reindeer?
They make the best flyers. Oh!
Oh!
What is that sound, fairy?
It's Santa Claus, I'll bet you.
I hope so. Oh, yeah, it's him.
He's coming.
Ho, ho, ho! Oh, my goodness.
Here he is!
Ho, ho, ho!
Ha, ha, ha.
All right, who's
first? Let's go. Ho, ho.
That kid here.
It's about time.
Just behave
yourself, little man,
because Santa Claus
loves to eat little bad boys.
I don't like you.
He says you have a fake beard.
Oh, don't pull that!
Mama! Mama!
Mama!
Kid, look, you can
get Santa Claus
in a lot of trouble,
you know that?
I got to find my shoe.
It was probably in that bin,
then they rolled it away now.
What are you guys
doing in those outfits?
We are Santa Clau" sidekicks.
Yeah, and if this kid
don't stop with Santa Claus
I'm going to kick
him right in his side.
What are you
doing to that child?
This kid is mine! He's
the worst. He's the worst.
I'm telling you, there is
something wrong with...
What's going on
here, what's goin' on?
Santa grabbed me.
That does it.
Santa Claus, you're fired.
I should have hired that
same drunk I had last year.
Oh, give him
another chance, huh?
Yeah, if you want,
he'll get drunk,
but you got to ask him nice.
They can keep their lousy job!
It itches anyway, the
whole thing is bothering me.
Pop?
Pop, what are you doing
dressed up as Santa Claus?
I got Santa fired.
Shh! I got Santa fired.
I'd like to hit him one shot.
No, no, Pop, don't
hit him, he's a kid.
Come here, sit down,
tell me what happened.
Now listen to me, listen to me.
It's not nice to
yell at Santa Claus.
Why not?
Because naughty little boys
get coal put in their stockings.
Fat chance.
Or they get their
little necks wrung.
Now, don't you want
to apologize to Santa?
I could kill you, you
little monster, you!
I can't believe myself.
I... I wanted to hit that child.
I still want to hit him!
My, don't you look
adorable in that outfit!
Well, he's been working
here a couple of days because,
to raise money for
the Christmas dinner
'cause he's broke, Shirl.
The Pizza Bowl's been
doing lousy business.
Well, why didn't he just tell
us? We'd have helped him.
'Cause look at him, Shirl.
He's a proud man.
Mr. DeFazio, come on, you
must have earned something
while you were here.
I mean, you must
have some money.
Not enough.
But maybe if we all... No buts.
There's going to be
no Christmas dinner,
that's it! What?!
No Christmas...?
No!
This is the perfect spot.
We'll get plenty of
money to help your father.
Okay, let's set up.
You know "Deck the Halls"?
Oh, it's my favorite.
All right, Shirl,
you sing the lead.
I'll harmonize.
Laverne, you beg.
Well, I want to help, too.
Let me sing.
You wanna help
or you wanna sing?
I want to sing.
Okay, all right.
You take the
"fa-la-la's" as a solo.
Oh, I get a solo.
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient yuletide carol ♪
♪ Troll the ancient yuletide carol ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la... ♪
Thank you! Thank you, thank you!
All right, now we're
cooking. All right.
"Hark The Herald Angels"
You know that one?
Oh, that's my favorite.
Okay. One, two, three...
♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪
♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪
No, it's "Glory to the newborn
king." "Glory to the newborn king."
All right! "Deck the Halls."
Back to "Deck the Halls."
All right.
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la. ♪
And a ho, ho, ho.
Hey! You three better move.
This is my spot.
Oh, isn't this hunky-dory?
Now we're gonna get
drowned out by the oom-pahs.
Not if you move
to another street.
Ha! Boy, oh, boy,
everyone wants
a piece of the pie.
I give up. Let's go
somewhere else.
No way. This is our
side of the street.
"Deck the Halls," hit it.
♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly... ♪
Ho, ho, ho!
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient
yuletide carol ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la... ♪
You happy now? Huh?
Are you happy now?
You started it!
What's going on here?
First things first.
I would like to see
everybody's license.
Okay, here.
All right.
What is the IBKK?
International Brotherhood
of Kris Kringles.
I'm the founder.
All right.
Everything seems
to be in order here,
Mr., uh, Kringle.
Thank you. Here you go.
Next!
Sister Sarah and the Salvations.
Merry Christmas, Sister,
and you, too, Salvations.
And, uh, who are you?
Carmine, Laverne and Shirley.
Come on!
You can do better than that.
There's the license.
Please don't
look at the picture.
I had such a silly grin
on my face that day...
Remember that...?
Not your driver's license.
Ha-ha! Ho, ho, ho!
Your license to solicit
money. Come on.
Well, we didn't know we
had to have one of them.
You know it's people like you
that give Christmas a bad name.
Can it!
Kris, Sis, come here.
Look, if you want to
make a couple of bucks,
go down to Meckler's
department store.
There's a big crowd out
front watching some kids
beat up on a fairy and a elf.
Merry Christmas!
Eh, not so fast.
I don't want you
working the streets.
If I catch you working
the streets again,
I'm gonna run you in!
Now have a joyous
holiday season.
Next thing you know,
you're gonna need a license
to give an old lady
a seat on the bus!
Well, I guess there's not
gonna be a Christmas dinner.
No, I guess not.
Guess we better break the
news to Rags and his friends, huh?
Yeah. Want me to go with you?
No, Carmine, I really think
this is a job that calls
for a woman's touch.
Yeah, we could always
cheer them up, you know?
Of course we can.
Maybe we could sing
them some Christmas carols.
How much bad news do you think
these people can
take in one day?
What are you talking about?
Look, Mr. DeFazio.
Look. I don't think
you have to worry
about a Christmas dinner
for Rags and his friends.
They can always go down
to the Midnight Mission
and get a free
hot turkey dinner,
with stuffing and sweet potatoes
and cranberry sauce,
and hot mincemeat pie...
Say, Mrs. B., you happen
to have the address on you?
That's not cheering him up.
Let's all go home
and open up presents.
That should be fun.
Yeah, wait until you
see what I got Shirley.
It's a musical muff.
You put your hands in it,
and it plays "Winter
Wonderland."
Aww, I'm going to take a nap.
Wake me when summer comes.
Pop! Guess what! Guess what!
I've got the best
Christmas present for you
in the whole wide world!
Guess who's coming to dinner?!
He'll never guess.
Come on! Come on in, everybody!
Everybody, come on in.
Settle yourself.
Hey. Huh?
What's going on here?
Didn't you tell them there
was no Christmas dinner?
But there is dinner,
Pop. Tell him, Rags.
Yeah, I got a can of Spam.
Bugsy got some corn,
and Lucille found a banana.
That's right, they all
brought something.
Isn't that great?
Yeah, but that's not
a Christmas dinner.
I want to do something special.
Don't you understand?
They don't come
here for just a dinner.
That's right, Pop.
They come here so
they can be with all of us.
That's what's special to them.
We're special?
Yeah, Mr. DeFazio.
You're our Christmas family.
That's more important
than a turkey dinner.
Aww, Rags.
That's the nicest
Christmas present.
Oh, yeah. Come on.
Bring all that into the kitchen.
I'm going to whip up my
famous Spam-banana surprise.
Listen, any of you guys
find a hot mincemeat pie?
'Cause I heard they
were having it down at...
Boy, I want to tell you
that this is some
Christmas present.
Girls, you should
learn from this.
What?
Christmas ain't turkey!
All right, hold it, everybody!
Listen to him.
My Pop's gonna say
something beautiful.
Christmas... is... pizza!
Christmas is a pizza!
And I'm gonna make
them a pizza pie!
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!
Christmas ain't
turkey... It's pizza!
Isn't that a
beautiful sentiment?
I think we should all put it on
our Christmas cards next year.
I'm so embarrassed, Shirl.
It's okay.
It's okay. It was
a nice sentiment.
You know what?
This is just like the
first Christmas, Laverne.
The only thing we're
missing is the manger
and all the little furry beasts.
Hello.
Are we still welcome
around here,
or are we forever banned?
Oh, of course you're welcome.
Well, we was kind of afraid
to come by because we figured
you hated us on account
of we was responsible
to your old man getting fired.
Yeah. Oh, we don't hate you.
Besides, it wouldn't be
Christmas without you.
No, they'd hold it
anyway, wouldn't they?
Yeah, Len, they would...
Yeah, well, we have
a contribution to make
for your big, uh, Christmas...
Yeah. Feast, you know?
What? Well, I'll
give you a hint.
It's hot, and it's
in these bags.
Come on, want to guess?
I don't know. When they
got something hot in a bag...
Yeah, the imagination
just sort of runs
wild, you know? LENNY: I get it.
Let's not leave them in suspense
any longer, Squig.
Whip it out, eh?
All right.
Here we go, here we go.
How 'bout that, eh?
A birdie.
Yeah. A turkey
birdie, to be precise,
with all the trimmings.
Show them the trimmings.
Show them the trimmings.
Yeah.
Stuffing.
And we got some cranberry
sauce under here someplace.
Uh, we-we'll take
your word for it.
Thank you.
Oh, that's just beautiful.
Where'd you guys get it?
Well, you know Emile,
the Armenian butcher?
Yeah. Well, we sometimes
occasionally date his daughter.
Seretta? Seretta?
Um-huh. Yeah.
That's exactly right.
So that's how we got
these big chickens.
Father, butcher,
daughter, turkey. Get it?
Yeah, you promised him
you'd never take
Seretta out again, huh?
That's right. That's right.
Uncanny... She knows all,
and yet she knows nothing.
Mr. DeFazio! Pop!
Look at this!
Wow! Look at that.
Oh. What's gonna happen
to my Spam-banana surprise?
Mmm. Mmm.
You got two takers right there.
Listen, it's Christmas.
I'll tell you
what... let's sing.
"O, Come All Ye
Faithful," that's my favorite.
Carmine, you start it.
♪ O, come all ye faithful ♪
♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪
♪ O, come ye, o,
come ye to Bethlehem ♪
♪ Come and behold Him,
born the king of angels ♪
♪ O, come let us adore Him ♪
♪ O, come let us adore Him ♪
♪ O, come let us adore Him ♪
♪ Christ, the Lord. ♪
Come on, guys.
Come on.
Heck.
Oh, never do that.
What are you doing up?
What are you doing up
at 4:00 in the morning?
I asked you first.
I was just fixing the tinsel.
I wanted to open
my presents, too.
Oh. Here. Here's
mine from... to you.
And here's mine to you.
Oh.
"To the best roommate
in the whole world"...
And you underlined "best"...
"Love, Laverne."
That's so sweet.
Yeah.
"To my closest, dearest
friend. Ox, ox, Shirley."
"Ox, ox"?
O-X, O-X: Hug, kiss, hug, kiss.
Oh... I love Christmas
morning, don't you?
An autographed picture
of Elvis! Thank you!
Oh. Oh.
It's the same picture.
Yeah, but different autographs.
You forgot to circle your "i."
Well, at least I spelled
"Presley" correctly.
But it's a wonderful gift.
You have excellent
taste. Thank you.
I'm gonna go hang mine
above the bed right now.
Me, too.
Merry Christmas, Shirl.
Merry Christmas, Laverne.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
♪ On the 12th day of Christmas
my true love sent to me ♪
♪ 12 lords a-leaping ♪
♪ 11 ladies dresses ♪
♪ Ten pipers piping ♪
♪ Nine drummers
drumming together ♪
♪ Eight maids a-milking ♪
♪ Seven, come eleven ♪
Hold it.
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
Christmas comes but once a year.
I know that.
And during that
season I love to sing.
Me, too. I know you do.
But you sing off key,
which we both know.
And unfortunately,
that draws attention to the fact
that you're singing
the wrong words.
♪ Six geese a-laying ♪
♪ Five golden rings ♪
♪ Five golden rings ♪
♪ Four calling birds ♪
♪ Three blind mice ♪
♪ Two turtle doves ♪
♪ And a partridge ♪
♪ And a partridge ♪
♪ In a pear ♪
♪ In a pear ♪
♪ Pear ♪
♪ Tree. ♪
♪ Tree. ♪
Very nice.
Let's sing it again,
okay? No, no.
No, no, no, let's finish
the tree first, okay?
All right, now hand me
the string of popcorn.
I ate the popcorn.
You ate the popcorn?
You ate the popcorn?!
We were up half the
night stringing that popcorn.
Well, that's what
made me hungry.
So you ate it?!
String and all?
No.
I used the string to floss.
You know how those
kernels get up in your teeth...
I don't want to hear a report
about your dental hygiene, okay?
I'll just put this
gingerbread star on top.
I'd go with the angel.
You ate the star...
You ate the star, too?
Not all of it.
One point.
You ate one point.
This star has been in my
family for 11 years, Laverne.
I couldn't tell, I dunked it.
I can't believe you!
All right, I'll just put the little
angel on the top and then
we'll be done. Wait a
second, I want to put it up, too.
Please, please, don't
handle it like that, it's delicate.
It's not a wishbone, okay?
You take one wing
and I'll take the other
and we'll just...
Oh, it's just like the
littlest Christmas tree.
It's beautiful.
Okay, plug the sucker in and
let's see what she looks like.
Oh! Oh... Oh.
Oh, you got those
blinking lights.
Yeah.
When do they... when
do they blink on again?
Maybe next Christmas.
Maybe it's someone
with presents.
Oh, boy, our first present!
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, hi, Rags.
Hi!
Come on in. Come
on in. How are you?
Hey, Rags, how's the
bum business, huh?
Don't say that.
He's not a bum. He's a...
Hallelujah, I am a bum.
One of the best of them, too.
How are you doing, Rags?
Oh, I'm bummed out.
I was looking for Mr. DeFazio,
but he's not down at
the, uh, the Pizza Bowl.
I thought maybe he'd be here.
No... yeah, go ahead.
He's not here, we
haven't seen him.
In fact, we haven't seen
him in a couple of days.
He's not in trouble
with the law, is he,
Laverne? Aw, no.
He gives the cops
pizzas under the table.
Anyway, I spoke to him
on the phone last night
and he sounded great.
He was mixing up
the egg nog. Whoo.
Hey, I wanted to
talk to him about
the annual Christmas
dinner he gives.
Oh, yeah. Nice.
We all can't wait for that.
How many friends
are you bringing?
36.
Ooh, 36?
Yeah, I have my
guest list right here.
We'll be coming from crates
and doorways all over town.
Oh, well, the more,
the merrier, you know.
Okay, we'll see you at the dinner,
okay? Yeah, see you at the dinner.
Listen, as long as he's
checking out that egg nog,
could you tell him
from us that this year,
we would like a lot less egg,
and a lot more nog.
I get it, Rags.
See you. Bye-bye.
Okay, Laverne, when
we get in that store,
grab everything you
can get your hands on.
Look at this, perfect
for Mrs. Babish.
Oh, absolutely, they're
lined and every...
Excuse me, but...
excuse me, but
we're taking these.
Not if I can help it.
Look, lady, I hate
to break this to you,
but this ain't
exactly your size.
They're exactly my
size, seven petite.
Oh, ma'am, ma'am...
Madeleine, come and help me.
Come on, Shirl, we
almost got her beached.
Come on! Verne, come over here.
Pull back, Shirl, pull, pull!
Pull!
Get out of our way, sir!
Can't you see we're shopping?
Hold on, hold on. Hold on,
I got it! I got it!
I got it! Ladies,
80% off.
No! Not me!
Attention shoppers,
right now on the fifth floor
is a sale on slightly
irregular gloves.
Some, missing only one finger.
Get up, get up.
Get up.
Where's my jacket?
Shirl, that man took my shoe.
So you limp.
Let's get to those
slightly irregular gloves.
Yeah, they'd be perfect for
my cousin Vito, the butcher.
Hi, kids, Merry Christmas
to one and all of you.
Uh, Santa Claus will be out in
just, just a couple of minutes.
You'll recognize Santa
'cause he's jolly and fat,
and he's twinkling all
over the place. That's right.
All right, let's form
a line, shall we?
Yeah, get over in line
there, kids. Let's go.
Come on, all right.
Sonny, you can't sit
here. You have to form a...
Why don't you go
over there, little man?
Thank you.
All right, suck in your chest
and pull out your arms,
and you better not pout
and you better not cry.
'Cause Santa Claus
is coming to town.
And he's in a lousy mood.
Who are you guys and where
did you get those stupid costumes?
We are an elf and a fairy.
I'm the elf.
Anyway, we are Santa's
helpers just for today.
That's right.
I don't want helpers,
I want Santa.
Where's Santa?
"Get Santa." I ought to...
Don't worry, sonny,
he's in the back gluing
on his fake beard.
How could you?
Hey, you're going to
ruin it for that kid
and everybody else.
I got to break it to them
sometime, you know.
Just like I had to
break it to you last year.
I want to thank you for
letting me down easy.
I'll let the children down, too.
All right, now for those
of youse what still believes
in this Santa Claus jazz, I just
want to tell you, there's gonna
be a fat man in a red
suit coming out here.
Now don't ask for ID,
otherwise your dream
is down the drain.
That's beautiful.
Thank you.
Right now he is
feeding his reindeer,
and that would be Donner,
Dasher, Smasher and Blitzkrieg.
He's got a German reindeer?
They make the best flyers. Oh!
Oh!
What is that sound, fairy?
It's Santa Claus, I'll bet you.
I hope so. Oh, yeah, it's him.
He's coming.
Ho, ho, ho! Oh, my goodness.
Here he is!
Ho, ho, ho!
Ha, ha, ha.
All right, who's
first? Let's go. Ho, ho.
That kid here.
It's about time.
Just behave
yourself, little man,
because Santa Claus
loves to eat little bad boys.
I don't like you.
He says you have a fake beard.
Oh, don't pull that!
Mama! Mama!
Mama!
Kid, look, you can
get Santa Claus
in a lot of trouble,
you know that?
I got to find my shoe.
It was probably in that bin,
then they rolled it away now.
What are you guys
doing in those outfits?
We are Santa Clau" sidekicks.
Yeah, and if this kid
don't stop with Santa Claus
I'm going to kick
him right in his side.
What are you
doing to that child?
This kid is mine! He's
the worst. He's the worst.
I'm telling you, there is
something wrong with...
What's going on
here, what's goin' on?
Santa grabbed me.
That does it.
Santa Claus, you're fired.
I should have hired that
same drunk I had last year.
Oh, give him
another chance, huh?
Yeah, if you want,
he'll get drunk,
but you got to ask him nice.
They can keep their lousy job!
It itches anyway, the
whole thing is bothering me.
Pop?
Pop, what are you doing
dressed up as Santa Claus?
I got Santa fired.
Shh! I got Santa fired.
I'd like to hit him one shot.
No, no, Pop, don't
hit him, he's a kid.
Come here, sit down,
tell me what happened.
Now listen to me, listen to me.
It's not nice to
yell at Santa Claus.
Why not?
Because naughty little boys
get coal put in their stockings.
Fat chance.
Or they get their
little necks wrung.
Now, don't you want
to apologize to Santa?
I could kill you, you
little monster, you!
I can't believe myself.
I... I wanted to hit that child.
I still want to hit him!
My, don't you look
adorable in that outfit!
Well, he's been working
here a couple of days because,
to raise money for
the Christmas dinner
'cause he's broke, Shirl.
The Pizza Bowl's been
doing lousy business.
Well, why didn't he just tell
us? We'd have helped him.
'Cause look at him, Shirl.
He's a proud man.
Mr. DeFazio, come on, you
must have earned something
while you were here.
I mean, you must
have some money.
Not enough.
But maybe if we all... No buts.
There's going to be
no Christmas dinner,
that's it! What?!
No Christmas...?
No!
This is the perfect spot.
We'll get plenty of
money to help your father.
Okay, let's set up.
You know "Deck the Halls"?
Oh, it's my favorite.
All right, Shirl,
you sing the lead.
I'll harmonize.
Laverne, you beg.
Well, I want to help, too.
Let me sing.
You wanna help
or you wanna sing?
I want to sing.
Okay, all right.
You take the
"fa-la-la's" as a solo.
Oh, I get a solo.
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient yuletide carol ♪
♪ Troll the ancient yuletide carol ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la... ♪
Thank you! Thank you, thank you!
All right, now we're
cooking. All right.
"Hark The Herald Angels"
You know that one?
Oh, that's my favorite.
Okay. One, two, three...
♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪
♪ Hark, the herald angels sing ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪
No, it's "Glory to the newborn
king." "Glory to the newborn king."
All right! "Deck the Halls."
Back to "Deck the Halls."
All right.
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la. ♪
And a ho, ho, ho.
Hey! You three better move.
This is my spot.
Oh, isn't this hunky-dory?
Now we're gonna get
drowned out by the oom-pahs.
Not if you move
to another street.
Ha! Boy, oh, boy,
everyone wants
a piece of the pie.
I give up. Let's go
somewhere else.
No way. This is our
side of the street.
"Deck the Halls," hit it.
♪ Deck the halls with
boughs of holly... ♪
Ho, ho, ho!
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
♪ Troll the ancient
yuletide carol ♪
♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la... ♪
You happy now? Huh?
Are you happy now?
You started it!
What's going on here?
First things first.
I would like to see
everybody's license.
Okay, here.
All right.
What is the IBKK?
International Brotherhood
of Kris Kringles.
I'm the founder.
All right.
Everything seems
to be in order here,
Mr., uh, Kringle.
Thank you. Here you go.
Next!
Sister Sarah and the Salvations.
Merry Christmas, Sister,
and you, too, Salvations.
And, uh, who are you?
Carmine, Laverne and Shirley.
Come on!
You can do better than that.
There's the license.
Please don't
look at the picture.
I had such a silly grin
on my face that day...
Remember that...?
Not your driver's license.
Ha-ha! Ho, ho, ho!
Your license to solicit
money. Come on.
Well, we didn't know we
had to have one of them.
You know it's people like you
that give Christmas a bad name.
Can it!
Kris, Sis, come here.
Look, if you want to
make a couple of bucks,
go down to Meckler's
department store.
There's a big crowd out
front watching some kids
beat up on a fairy and a elf.
Merry Christmas!
Eh, not so fast.
I don't want you
working the streets.
If I catch you working
the streets again,
I'm gonna run you in!
Now have a joyous
holiday season.
Next thing you know,
you're gonna need a license
to give an old lady
a seat on the bus!
Well, I guess there's not
gonna be a Christmas dinner.
No, I guess not.
Guess we better break the
news to Rags and his friends, huh?
Yeah. Want me to go with you?
No, Carmine, I really think
this is a job that calls
for a woman's touch.
Yeah, we could always
cheer them up, you know?
Of course we can.
Maybe we could sing
them some Christmas carols.
How much bad news do you think
these people can
take in one day?
What are you talking about?
Look, Mr. DeFazio.
Look. I don't think
you have to worry
about a Christmas dinner
for Rags and his friends.
They can always go down
to the Midnight Mission
and get a free
hot turkey dinner,
with stuffing and sweet potatoes
and cranberry sauce,
and hot mincemeat pie...
Say, Mrs. B., you happen
to have the address on you?
That's not cheering him up.
Let's all go home
and open up presents.
That should be fun.
Yeah, wait until you
see what I got Shirley.
It's a musical muff.
You put your hands in it,
and it plays "Winter
Wonderland."
Aww, I'm going to take a nap.
Wake me when summer comes.
Pop! Guess what! Guess what!
I've got the best
Christmas present for you
in the whole wide world!
Guess who's coming to dinner?!
He'll never guess.
Come on! Come on in, everybody!
Everybody, come on in.
Settle yourself.
Hey. Huh?
What's going on here?
Didn't you tell them there
was no Christmas dinner?
But there is dinner,
Pop. Tell him, Rags.
Yeah, I got a can of Spam.
Bugsy got some corn,
and Lucille found a banana.
That's right, they all
brought something.
Isn't that great?
Yeah, but that's not
a Christmas dinner.
I want to do something special.
Don't you understand?
They don't come
here for just a dinner.
That's right, Pop.
They come here so
they can be with all of us.
That's what's special to them.
We're special?
Yeah, Mr. DeFazio.
You're our Christmas family.
That's more important
than a turkey dinner.
Aww, Rags.
That's the nicest
Christmas present.
Oh, yeah. Come on.
Bring all that into the kitchen.
I'm going to whip up my
famous Spam-banana surprise.
Listen, any of you guys
find a hot mincemeat pie?
'Cause I heard they
were having it down at...
Boy, I want to tell you
that this is some
Christmas present.
Girls, you should
learn from this.
What?
Christmas ain't turkey!
All right, hold it, everybody!
Listen to him.
My Pop's gonna say
something beautiful.
Christmas... is... pizza!
Christmas is a pizza!
And I'm gonna make
them a pizza pie!
Ha-ha-ha! Yeah!
Christmas ain't
turkey... It's pizza!
Isn't that a
beautiful sentiment?
I think we should all put it on
our Christmas cards next year.
I'm so embarrassed, Shirl.
It's okay.
It's okay. It was
a nice sentiment.
You know what?
This is just like the
first Christmas, Laverne.
The only thing we're
missing is the manger
and all the little furry beasts.
Hello.
Are we still welcome
around here,
or are we forever banned?
Oh, of course you're welcome.
Well, we was kind of afraid
to come by because we figured
you hated us on account
of we was responsible
to your old man getting fired.
Yeah. Oh, we don't hate you.
Besides, it wouldn't be
Christmas without you.
No, they'd hold it
anyway, wouldn't they?
Yeah, Len, they would...
Yeah, well, we have
a contribution to make
for your big, uh, Christmas...
Yeah. Feast, you know?
What? Well, I'll
give you a hint.
It's hot, and it's
in these bags.
Come on, want to guess?
I don't know. When they
got something hot in a bag...
Yeah, the imagination
just sort of runs
wild, you know? LENNY: I get it.
Let's not leave them in suspense
any longer, Squig.
Whip it out, eh?
All right.
Here we go, here we go.
How 'bout that, eh?
A birdie.
Yeah. A turkey
birdie, to be precise,
with all the trimmings.
Show them the trimmings.
Show them the trimmings.
Yeah.
Stuffing.
And we got some cranberry
sauce under here someplace.
Uh, we-we'll take
your word for it.
Thank you.
Oh, that's just beautiful.
Where'd you guys get it?
Well, you know Emile,
the Armenian butcher?
Yeah. Well, we sometimes
occasionally date his daughter.
Seretta? Seretta?
Um-huh. Yeah.
That's exactly right.
So that's how we got
these big chickens.
Father, butcher,
daughter, turkey. Get it?
Yeah, you promised him
you'd never take
Seretta out again, huh?
That's right. That's right.
Uncanny... She knows all,
and yet she knows nothing.
Mr. DeFazio! Pop!
Look at this!
Wow! Look at that.
Oh. What's gonna happen
to my Spam-banana surprise?
Mmm. Mmm.
You got two takers right there.
Listen, it's Christmas.
I'll tell you
what... let's sing.
"O, Come All Ye
Faithful," that's my favorite.
Carmine, you start it.
♪ O, come all ye faithful ♪
♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪
♪ O, come ye, o,
come ye to Bethlehem ♪
♪ Come and behold Him,
born the king of angels ♪
♪ O, come let us adore Him ♪
♪ O, come let us adore Him ♪
♪ O, come let us adore Him ♪
♪ Christ, the Lord. ♪
Come on, guys.
Come on.
Heck.
Oh, never do that.
What are you doing up?
What are you doing up
at 4:00 in the morning?
I asked you first.
I was just fixing the tinsel.
I wanted to open
my presents, too.
Oh. Here. Here's
mine from... to you.
And here's mine to you.
Oh.
"To the best roommate
in the whole world"...
And you underlined "best"...
"Love, Laverne."
That's so sweet.
Yeah.
"To my closest, dearest
friend. Ox, ox, Shirley."
"Ox, ox"?
O-X, O-X: Hug, kiss, hug, kiss.
Oh... I love Christmas
morning, don't you?
An autographed picture
of Elvis! Thank you!
Oh. Oh.
It's the same picture.
Yeah, but different autographs.
You forgot to circle your "i."
Well, at least I spelled
"Presley" correctly.
But it's a wonderful gift.
You have excellent
taste. Thank you.
I'm gonna go hang mine
above the bed right now.
Me, too.
Merry Christmas, Shirl.
Merry Christmas, Laverne.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make ♪
♪ That dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪