Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 4, Episode 12 - Dinner for Four - full transcript
Laverne & Shirley think they've hit the jackpot when 2 good looking guys invite them to cook a dinner over at their apartment. However,they are in for 2 big surprises. The first surprise is the "Murphy Bed" that wont go back into the wall and seems to have a mind of it's own. The second surprise,is that the date does not turn out to be all they expected.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Boy, you veterinarians
eat like animals.
Ah, I'll be right back.
Pop, come here. Huh, what?
Psst! You see all these
guys around here? Yeah.
Well, one of 'em might be
the father of your grandchild.
Which one? I'll kill him!
No, no, I'm talking
about in the future.
We want these guys to come back,
and already table seven is
complaining about their pizza.
They ordered pepperoni,
they got pepperoni.
Pop, they wanted it cooked.
Look at this!
Big deal, one mistake.
Uh, Mr. DeFazio, table
three is kicking up a ruckus.
There's supposed to be
pepperoni on this, and there is none.
You see that? Here's
pepperoni, right there...
No! No!
How can you to do this?!
What are they complaining about?
They should have been been here
during the War, eating
pizza when it was tough.
Uh... Oh, yeah,
I know that, Pop.
One of his
buddies is still trying
to pick a piece out of his leg.
Tony, I need a pepperoni. Oh!
Oh, Shirl, I never seen so
many animal doctors in one place.
I'd give anything
for a sick bird.
Laverne, these guys
are just that far away
from being real doctors.
Ah, these guys are even better.
At least they don't fool
around with their patients.
Wait a minute.
I read this bizarre story
about this veterinarian
who married...
That's disgusting.
Maybe he loved her.
Okay, whatever.
Here you go. Frank?
Frank? FRANK: Yeah.
There you are.
Hey... Oh...!
Whee!
Did you forget we're
going to the opera?
I brought your clothes.
Hurry up and get dressed.
We'll be late. I
don't want to go.
They get mad
when you sing along.
Oh, Frank!
You promised to take me
to see Madame Butterfly.
I bought the tickets,
and I rented this kimono.
Maybe you could rent a date.
Frank, if we don't
go to the opera,
you're going to
get one of these.
Hey.
Oh, boy.
Alone with all these guys.
All right, control
yourself, calm down.
Your tail is wagging.
Please!
Okay, let's circle the room
and check out which
guys we want, okay?
Now, I'm going to give it
to you straight, Laverne.
What? I want the
guy in the vest.
How come you
always get to pick first?
Okay, then you pick first.
I want the guy in the vest.
Okay, I want the guy
in the blue suit then.
Well, what's the
matter with mine?
Nothing. I just prefer the
guy in the blue suit. That's...
Wait a minute.
I want the guy in the blue suit.
Okay, great, then, I'll
take the guy in the vest.
Oh, Shirl, your slip
is showing there.
Thought I'd fall for the
old blue suit routine.
Huh? Didn't you?
Hello, hi. Hi.
Hi. Hi.
We just wanted to wander on over
and tell you how much
we appreciate everything
that you're doing to save
the small beasts of our earth.
We all owe you a
debt of gratitude.
That's right.
And the tab's on me,
because Laverne DeFazio
always pays her debts.
That's DeFazio... big D, big F.
It's in the book.
Well, it's nice to
meet you, Laverne.
Um, your dad tells me you make
the best lasagna in Milwaukee.
Ooh, she's a wonderful cook,
and a wonderful housekeeper.
And I'd make a wonderful mother.
Well, we'll take a
rain check on that.
Um, actually, what
we had in mind
was a more intimate
dinner party for four,
at my place, tomorrow night.
Uh, your friend
can help, of course.
Oh... Okay.
No.
I don't think so.
I mean, we haven't
been properly introduced,
and I am a stickler
for etiquette.
She's a stickler.
Oh. Oh, uh, well, uh...
This is Rob Heath,
and I'm Hank Franklin.
8:00, your place?
Great. Great!
You're really going
to make our evening.
Now, here... you girls
buy whatever you need,
and we'll see you
tomorrow night.
Yeah. Now, uh, we may
be a little late, so if we are,
just, um, let yourselves
in, and, uh, start cooking.
Yeah.
I'll leave the key
with the doorman.
Uh, let me write
down the address.
Oh. Oh!
They got a doorman, Shirl.
Did you hear that?
Suits, a doorman and
a bunch of $20 bills?
I am in heaven.
How do I get there?
These guys are just wonderful.
Well, until tomorrow.
Yes, until tomorr...
You might want to try this one.
I accidentally dipped
it in clam sauce earlier.
Oh, that tickles so.
I'm just so sensitive.
Okay, uh, here's the address.
All right? Okay.
And, uh... You're
leaving already? Yeah.
Yeah, we have to neuter a duck.
Oh, be gentle.
See you tomorrow.
Tomorrow at 8:00. Bye-bye.
Toodaloo! Bye-bye! Bye-bye.
Bye. Good-bye.
I can't believe it.
Oh, boy, is this what's
called getting lucky?
Uh, not yet.
Oh.
Look at him.
He's elegant, debonair,
suave, and his fly's open.
Now let's see... condiments.
All right, oven-ready lasagna.
Check. Good.
Wine. Check.
Good. All right, apron.
Oh, I got my own apron, Shirl.
Are you crazy?!
That's totally tasteless!
Well, it could get
hot in their kitchen.
Not if you don't
take this, it won't.
What are you doing with...?
Apron.
Check.
Garlic bread.
Check.
Is it fresh?
Get that out of your mouth.
Nobody wants anything
that's been chewed
up and spit out.
Hello.
Well, we're ready.
You're ready?
Ready for what?
Does this...?
Does this refresh your memory?
No! The Teamsters
Annual Fish Fry!
Yeah, and Moonlight Mud Fight.
Oh, no! Oh.
Yeah. We completely
forgot about it.
Yes, we did.
I told you they'd remember.
Yeah, you promised
you'd go with us last month
when we helped you
with the sewage backup.
Yeah. A disagreeable
household chore.
I was wearing these
very boots, if you'll recall.
Yeah, I remember those boots.
Yeah, that day we would've
promised them anything.
Yeah, but... Oh, I don't know.
Listen, just in case you want
to warm up on the way there,
we brought some practice mud.
This is not the
official mud, of course.
It hasn't even got
any worms in it yet.
Uh, look, boys, I know that
we promised we'd go with you,
but, uh, something quite
unexpected has come up.
Yeah, we got a date with
a couple of veterinarians.
Never trust men
who don't eat meat.
There's something
fishy about them.
Boys, I know we promised, but...
This is a once
in a lifetime date,
and I'm sure you'll understand.
Yeah. Yeah, we understand.
Sure, we understand.
I don't understand!
I mean, I thought
I had seen rotten
when Elmer Fudd made
Daffy Duck eat that dynamite
so's he could watch
his duck lips blow off.
But this makes Elmer look
like the prince of the earth.
You two are she-devils!
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Oh, come on, Squiggy.
It's true. It's true.
You're taking this
too hard. You are.
Yeah, you're acting
like a big baby.
Look at Lenny. He's taking it
like a real sport.
Lenny.
You said that
you'd go out with us
if we helped you, and
we did, and you won't.
Well, Len, we would if
we could, but we can't.
Oh, no!
There, there, my little soldier.
You know, I'd already
entered me and Laverne
in the three-legged race.
This man was willing
to give up a limb for you!
Boys, boys, I mean, we
wouldn't be any fun anyway.
You know I'm only a stick
in the mud when it comes...
Mud! Mud!
Don't you think we
have any feelings?
If you cut us, do we not bleed?
If you slap us, do
we not swell up?
If you spit on us,
do we not get wet?
The answer to all
these questions is yes.
Come on, Len.
Take your bucket of mud.
We'll be going home now.
Leonard! Leonard, come on!
Squiggy, come
on! It's not that bad.
You're making a
federal case out of this.
Federal case?!
I'll give you a federal case.
We'll just take out
the Tishler twins.
I bet you they'll know
how to treat men in mud.
Grow up!
Oh, no, look at
this... I got dirt on me.
I don't know.
I feel sort of bad
about this, Shirl.
Why? I mean,
you know, they're...
Well, they ain't going
to have much fun
with the Tishler twins.
Well, why not? It'll be a nice
double date for them. I mean...
Oh, you don't know the
Tishler twins, do you?
No, I never met 'em.
They're brother and sister.
Ew!
Oh! Oh, Laverne.
It's just... It's
so très elegant!
Oh, look at this.
Oh, Shirl, we hit the
mother lode tonight, huh?
Oh, this is real
Naugahyde, Shirl.
Feel it and weep. Oh.
Oh, this stuff gets me crazy.
I love it. Laverne?
Laverne, now, these
are men of medicine.
I'm sure that tonight
will be filled only
with fine food and good
conversation, hmm?
Yeah, well, I was kind of hoping
for a little lights-out
action, you know?
That's what I was afraid of.
Well, you know
what wine does to me.
I like to believe that
those are only rumors.
A whole ceiling
filled with lights.
I can't believe it!
Oh! Beautiful!
Oh, look, let's get organized.
Here's the lasagna.
You get it ready in the oven.
Okay. I'll put the salad away.
Shirl, it's electric.
Oh! My God, Laverne,
they have a medallion home!
Oh! Oh!
What is it?
What is it?
Oh, oh, it's corsages!
Oh! Corsages!
Oh.
Oh, Laverne, we are dealing
with two beautiful
human beings here.
Oh, well, let's see
which is for who.
Okay. Oh.
Okay.
Let's see. Um...
"For an elegant lady
whose beauty is
unmatched by these flowers."
"Thanking you in advance
for a hot time tonight."
I mean, these men are
so sensitive, Laverne.
One brief conversation,
and it's as though
they've known us
an entire lifetime.
Yeah, I'm so ashamed.
Why?
I was gonna keep the
change from the food money.
No! Yeah.
No, you couldn't do that.
Can you get that on?
Well, wait a minute.
There, I got it. Aww.
I got it. Okay, okay.
How do I look?
Just like you were
queen of the prom.
Really? Really? What about me?
Stunning, absolutely stunning.
A regular Italian Sandra Dee.
Naw... yeah? Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, Laverne, I'm telling you.
We couldn't please
these guys any more
if we gave them the
cure for ringworm.
Oh! Oh... I got
to see how I look.
Where's the bathroom?
I need a mirror.
What in tarnation?!
Oh, oh, oh, it's one of those
Murphy beds, you know...
Oh, Shirl, would
you look at this?
This is like heaven on earth.
No, it's not, Laverne.
It's quite, quite
suggestive. What?
Don't you see? Don't you see?
They'll think we
planned the entire thing.
A little dinner,
a little dessert.
A little dinner,
a little dessert.
Get it, get it, get it?!
Yeah, it's a good idea.
Let them come up with
it, okay? Are you crazy?
Are you crazy?
You want them to
think we're cheap?
Oh, all right, all right.
Let's put him back
in his little house.
Okay.
My gosh.
He doesn't seem
to want to go home.
Maybe there's a...
It must be on an electrical
switch or something.
Let's look around. Well,
there ain't nothing here
but nuts and bolts.
Or maybe it's back here.
No, no, here it is.
I got it right here. Oh, okay.
See, they got this dial that...
Laverne? Laverne?
Shirl! Lav... Laverne! Shirley!
Laverne! Wait a minute!
Just a second. Just a second.
Let me just turn
this thing and get...
One minute.
Just a second.
Okay, okay, I'll get you down.
Just hold on, just
hold on, okay, okay?
That thing!
That thing tried to eat me!
Get out from under there.
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh! Get... ow!
I've got the biggest rug burn!
Got some lint on you. Oh, my.
Oh, dear, look at
us. Such a mess!
We're going to have to tidy
up... Shirl, I lost my earring.
My rhinestone chip earring!
That bed ate my earring! Oh! Oh!
All right, well, it must be
over there somewhere. Okay.
Shirl, don't go to pieces.
Don't let a bed scare you.
Come on, pull yourself together.
Now, ignore it and act casual,
and we'll just walk out.
All right.
Oh... Gee, I really
like this room.
This is such interesting...
Hi, plant. Potted ferns,
you know, in a home.
They're just so nice.
There it is, Laverne, okay?!
Okay, I got it!
Shirley! Where did you go?!
Get the door!
Well, I got my earring.
Oh, look at us.
Oh, now they're going to think
that we're messy
and untidy and...
Yeah, I was
sweating bullets there.
I am a tad dewish myself.
But, but...
Aha! Aha!
The bathroom.
Laverne? Shirley?
Where are you?
We're in the powder room, Hank.
Uh, we'll be out in a minute.
Dinner's almost
ready and so are we.
Great! Don't keep
us waiting too long.
Ah, here we are, ladies.
Uh, let me take your wraps,
and the waitresses
will be out to serve us
a nice romantic
dinner in just a moment.
You've got waitresses?
Oh, yes, we hired some
girls to serve dinner.
Oh, ladies, I think
the lasagna's burning.
Here we come.
Hmm. Oh.
Who are you?
Oh, we're their dates.
Then who are we?
You're the kitchen help.
Oh... Well, perhaps
you didn't realize
those are our corsages.
Oh, no, we knew that.
Yes... Yes, we were
letting them air out.
We were just keeping them fresh.
You know how flowers are.
Come on... We just...
wanted to... Yeah.
Who's having "a hot time"?
Uh...
She is... Here you go.
You must be the "lady."
Look, girls,
there must be some
kind of misunderstanding.
When we said "dinner
for four," we meant us four.
I want to die.
No, no, everything's
just hunky-dory.
Uh, we didn't really want
to have a good
time tonight, anyway.
I want to die.
Listen, um,
I feel terrible about
this. I'll tell you what.
Why don't the two of you
join us for dinner? Yeah.
Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no.
We just couldn't
do that, really.
I really, suddenly,
feel sick to my stomach
and couldn't eat a thing.
How about you, Laverne?
Yeah, my foot hurts
too much to eat.
Yeah, so if it's all the same
with you, we'll just, um...
We'll serve you
and then am-scray.
Why don't you have a seat?
I could die.
Well, they're being awfully
good sports about this.
Well, I ask you...
I mean, why shouldn't they?
They ought to be grateful
to pick up some extra cash.
Uh, hold it down,
they might hear you.
So what?
Those girls were hired
to serve, not to listen.
Mmm-mm! Smells delicious!
Oh, boy.
Well, it should.
You know the old saying:
"Girls without looks
make the best cooks."
Can I use your fork? Sure.
Enjoy your meal!
Oh! Oh!
Just one minute.
And as for you, sister.
Give it to her, Shirl.
Oh!
Oh, vinegrette...
it'll wash out.
Oh, boy!
I'm so mad I could spit!
In fact, I think I will!
Why did you do that?
I'm sorry.
Why did you do that? I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Laverne, okay?
It's just that those
guys treated us like dirt.
Yeah, they treated us
like we didn't have
any feelings at all.
I mean, "if you cut
us, do we not bleed?
If you slap us, do
we not swell up?"
Boy, the shoe don't feel so good
on the other foot, does it?
Lenny, Squiggy, get down here!
What are you doing?
Well, we've got to
apologize to them.
Yeah, but they're not home.
They're at the
Teamsters Fish Fry.
Yeah.
Boy, what I wouldn't give
to be wrestling in
that mud right now.
They deserve to have
all the fun, Laverne,
and we deserve all the sorrow.
Oh, good! Good, you're here.
Yeah. What's the matter,
you haven't hurt us enough?
Now maybe you'd like us
eat your garbage? Yeah.
Maybe, maybe it just
might be more convenient
if you ran over us a couple
of times with the truck.
Might make you
feel a little better?
Guys, please. Guys,
come on in and sit down.
Pushing me around now, huh?
Just sit down.
We're trying to talk to
you like human beings.
Good luck.
Lenny, Squiggy, we
owe you an apology.
Yeah, we, we're real sorry
for, uh, standing you
up and everything.
Yeah, we know just
how you felt and, uh...
do you forgive us?
How-How are we supposed to know?
I mean, nobody's ever
apologized to us before. Yeah.
Aren't you supposed to
be down on your knees
or something like that?
No, no, they can stand
up, but they got to kiss
our feet. I want to see that.
Don't push your luck, guys.
Hey, who hit me? Who hit me?
Listen, listen, listen.
Will you settle for this?
The next time you ask us out,
we'll go with you, we promise.
Oh. Does that include
the annual Teamsters
Fish Fry and Mudfight?
Well, sure.
If you guys want
to wait a whole year,
we'll be happy to
go with you. Yeah.
That's great! Only it ain't
next year, it's next week.
Huh? What?
Well, this is the funny part.
You see, Lenny got his
weekends mixed up, again.
And you should have
seen the Tishler twins.
Boy, were they mad! Yeah.
Especially him... he
shaved and everything.
Well, uh, we don't want
to upset the Tishler twins,
so, uh, listen, how about this?
Anytime you want
to take us anywhere,
we'd be glad to go, okay?
Anytime, anywhere,
huh? Anywhere?
Well, that sounds very fair.
Follow me. Squig.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Laverne, get him!
You get anything off of them?
Nothing.
That's a start. Yeah.
Shirl, I'm full.
I can't eat any more pizza.
Hi, girls.
Hi, guys. Hi, boys.
Well, girls, uh...
why don't we make
a little deal with you?
What? How would you
like to hold our ant farm
if you give us
some of that pizza?
It's all yours.
All right. Here.
Let me see them.
Oh... It's like a real farm.
It's got little ant cows
and ant chickens in it.
Yeah, and we're
hoping to catch a big fly
so we can have
an ant crop duster.
You know, Laverne,
ants are intelligent and
highly social creatures.
Yeah, they must be smart, Shirl.
There's a bunch of them
going right down your arm.
Oh, no! Save 'em! Save 'em!
Throw 'em some pizza.
Throw 'em some pizza.
Line up guys. Gee...
from up here they
look just like little ants.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
♪ We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Boy, you veterinarians
eat like animals.
Ah, I'll be right back.
Pop, come here. Huh, what?
Psst! You see all these
guys around here? Yeah.
Well, one of 'em might be
the father of your grandchild.
Which one? I'll kill him!
No, no, I'm talking
about in the future.
We want these guys to come back,
and already table seven is
complaining about their pizza.
They ordered pepperoni,
they got pepperoni.
Pop, they wanted it cooked.
Look at this!
Big deal, one mistake.
Uh, Mr. DeFazio, table
three is kicking up a ruckus.
There's supposed to be
pepperoni on this, and there is none.
You see that? Here's
pepperoni, right there...
No! No!
How can you to do this?!
What are they complaining about?
They should have been been here
during the War, eating
pizza when it was tough.
Uh... Oh, yeah,
I know that, Pop.
One of his
buddies is still trying
to pick a piece out of his leg.
Tony, I need a pepperoni. Oh!
Oh, Shirl, I never seen so
many animal doctors in one place.
I'd give anything
for a sick bird.
Laverne, these guys
are just that far away
from being real doctors.
Ah, these guys are even better.
At least they don't fool
around with their patients.
Wait a minute.
I read this bizarre story
about this veterinarian
who married...
That's disgusting.
Maybe he loved her.
Okay, whatever.
Here you go. Frank?
Frank? FRANK: Yeah.
There you are.
Hey... Oh...!
Whee!
Did you forget we're
going to the opera?
I brought your clothes.
Hurry up and get dressed.
We'll be late. I
don't want to go.
They get mad
when you sing along.
Oh, Frank!
You promised to take me
to see Madame Butterfly.
I bought the tickets,
and I rented this kimono.
Maybe you could rent a date.
Frank, if we don't
go to the opera,
you're going to
get one of these.
Hey.
Oh, boy.
Alone with all these guys.
All right, control
yourself, calm down.
Your tail is wagging.
Please!
Okay, let's circle the room
and check out which
guys we want, okay?
Now, I'm going to give it
to you straight, Laverne.
What? I want the
guy in the vest.
How come you
always get to pick first?
Okay, then you pick first.
I want the guy in the vest.
Okay, I want the guy
in the blue suit then.
Well, what's the
matter with mine?
Nothing. I just prefer the
guy in the blue suit. That's...
Wait a minute.
I want the guy in the blue suit.
Okay, great, then, I'll
take the guy in the vest.
Oh, Shirl, your slip
is showing there.
Thought I'd fall for the
old blue suit routine.
Huh? Didn't you?
Hello, hi. Hi.
Hi. Hi.
We just wanted to wander on over
and tell you how much
we appreciate everything
that you're doing to save
the small beasts of our earth.
We all owe you a
debt of gratitude.
That's right.
And the tab's on me,
because Laverne DeFazio
always pays her debts.
That's DeFazio... big D, big F.
It's in the book.
Well, it's nice to
meet you, Laverne.
Um, your dad tells me you make
the best lasagna in Milwaukee.
Ooh, she's a wonderful cook,
and a wonderful housekeeper.
And I'd make a wonderful mother.
Well, we'll take a
rain check on that.
Um, actually, what
we had in mind
was a more intimate
dinner party for four,
at my place, tomorrow night.
Uh, your friend
can help, of course.
Oh... Okay.
No.
I don't think so.
I mean, we haven't
been properly introduced,
and I am a stickler
for etiquette.
She's a stickler.
Oh. Oh, uh, well, uh...
This is Rob Heath,
and I'm Hank Franklin.
8:00, your place?
Great. Great!
You're really going
to make our evening.
Now, here... you girls
buy whatever you need,
and we'll see you
tomorrow night.
Yeah. Now, uh, we may
be a little late, so if we are,
just, um, let yourselves
in, and, uh, start cooking.
Yeah.
I'll leave the key
with the doorman.
Uh, let me write
down the address.
Oh. Oh!
They got a doorman, Shirl.
Did you hear that?
Suits, a doorman and
a bunch of $20 bills?
I am in heaven.
How do I get there?
These guys are just wonderful.
Well, until tomorrow.
Yes, until tomorr...
You might want to try this one.
I accidentally dipped
it in clam sauce earlier.
Oh, that tickles so.
I'm just so sensitive.
Okay, uh, here's the address.
All right? Okay.
And, uh... You're
leaving already? Yeah.
Yeah, we have to neuter a duck.
Oh, be gentle.
See you tomorrow.
Tomorrow at 8:00. Bye-bye.
Toodaloo! Bye-bye! Bye-bye.
Bye. Good-bye.
I can't believe it.
Oh, boy, is this what's
called getting lucky?
Uh, not yet.
Oh.
Look at him.
He's elegant, debonair,
suave, and his fly's open.
Now let's see... condiments.
All right, oven-ready lasagna.
Check. Good.
Wine. Check.
Good. All right, apron.
Oh, I got my own apron, Shirl.
Are you crazy?!
That's totally tasteless!
Well, it could get
hot in their kitchen.
Not if you don't
take this, it won't.
What are you doing with...?
Apron.
Check.
Garlic bread.
Check.
Is it fresh?
Get that out of your mouth.
Nobody wants anything
that's been chewed
up and spit out.
Hello.
Well, we're ready.
You're ready?
Ready for what?
Does this...?
Does this refresh your memory?
No! The Teamsters
Annual Fish Fry!
Yeah, and Moonlight Mud Fight.
Oh, no! Oh.
Yeah. We completely
forgot about it.
Yes, we did.
I told you they'd remember.
Yeah, you promised
you'd go with us last month
when we helped you
with the sewage backup.
Yeah. A disagreeable
household chore.
I was wearing these
very boots, if you'll recall.
Yeah, I remember those boots.
Yeah, that day we would've
promised them anything.
Yeah, but... Oh, I don't know.
Listen, just in case you want
to warm up on the way there,
we brought some practice mud.
This is not the
official mud, of course.
It hasn't even got
any worms in it yet.
Uh, look, boys, I know that
we promised we'd go with you,
but, uh, something quite
unexpected has come up.
Yeah, we got a date with
a couple of veterinarians.
Never trust men
who don't eat meat.
There's something
fishy about them.
Boys, I know we promised, but...
This is a once
in a lifetime date,
and I'm sure you'll understand.
Yeah. Yeah, we understand.
Sure, we understand.
I don't understand!
I mean, I thought
I had seen rotten
when Elmer Fudd made
Daffy Duck eat that dynamite
so's he could watch
his duck lips blow off.
But this makes Elmer look
like the prince of the earth.
You two are she-devils!
Oh, for Pete's sake.
Oh, come on, Squiggy.
It's true. It's true.
You're taking this
too hard. You are.
Yeah, you're acting
like a big baby.
Look at Lenny. He's taking it
like a real sport.
Lenny.
You said that
you'd go out with us
if we helped you, and
we did, and you won't.
Well, Len, we would if
we could, but we can't.
Oh, no!
There, there, my little soldier.
You know, I'd already
entered me and Laverne
in the three-legged race.
This man was willing
to give up a limb for you!
Boys, boys, I mean, we
wouldn't be any fun anyway.
You know I'm only a stick
in the mud when it comes...
Mud! Mud!
Don't you think we
have any feelings?
If you cut us, do we not bleed?
If you slap us, do
we not swell up?
If you spit on us,
do we not get wet?
The answer to all
these questions is yes.
Come on, Len.
Take your bucket of mud.
We'll be going home now.
Leonard! Leonard, come on!
Squiggy, come
on! It's not that bad.
You're making a
federal case out of this.
Federal case?!
I'll give you a federal case.
We'll just take out
the Tishler twins.
I bet you they'll know
how to treat men in mud.
Grow up!
Oh, no, look at
this... I got dirt on me.
I don't know.
I feel sort of bad
about this, Shirl.
Why? I mean,
you know, they're...
Well, they ain't going
to have much fun
with the Tishler twins.
Well, why not? It'll be a nice
double date for them. I mean...
Oh, you don't know the
Tishler twins, do you?
No, I never met 'em.
They're brother and sister.
Ew!
Oh! Oh, Laverne.
It's just... It's
so très elegant!
Oh, look at this.
Oh, Shirl, we hit the
mother lode tonight, huh?
Oh, this is real
Naugahyde, Shirl.
Feel it and weep. Oh.
Oh, this stuff gets me crazy.
I love it. Laverne?
Laverne, now, these
are men of medicine.
I'm sure that tonight
will be filled only
with fine food and good
conversation, hmm?
Yeah, well, I was kind of hoping
for a little lights-out
action, you know?
That's what I was afraid of.
Well, you know
what wine does to me.
I like to believe that
those are only rumors.
A whole ceiling
filled with lights.
I can't believe it!
Oh! Beautiful!
Oh, look, let's get organized.
Here's the lasagna.
You get it ready in the oven.
Okay. I'll put the salad away.
Shirl, it's electric.
Oh! My God, Laverne,
they have a medallion home!
Oh! Oh!
What is it?
What is it?
Oh, oh, it's corsages!
Oh! Corsages!
Oh.
Oh, Laverne, we are dealing
with two beautiful
human beings here.
Oh, well, let's see
which is for who.
Okay. Oh.
Okay.
Let's see. Um...
"For an elegant lady
whose beauty is
unmatched by these flowers."
"Thanking you in advance
for a hot time tonight."
I mean, these men are
so sensitive, Laverne.
One brief conversation,
and it's as though
they've known us
an entire lifetime.
Yeah, I'm so ashamed.
Why?
I was gonna keep the
change from the food money.
No! Yeah.
No, you couldn't do that.
Can you get that on?
Well, wait a minute.
There, I got it. Aww.
I got it. Okay, okay.
How do I look?
Just like you were
queen of the prom.
Really? Really? What about me?
Stunning, absolutely stunning.
A regular Italian Sandra Dee.
Naw... yeah? Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, Laverne, I'm telling you.
We couldn't please
these guys any more
if we gave them the
cure for ringworm.
Oh! Oh... I got
to see how I look.
Where's the bathroom?
I need a mirror.
What in tarnation?!
Oh, oh, oh, it's one of those
Murphy beds, you know...
Oh, Shirl, would
you look at this?
This is like heaven on earth.
No, it's not, Laverne.
It's quite, quite
suggestive. What?
Don't you see? Don't you see?
They'll think we
planned the entire thing.
A little dinner,
a little dessert.
A little dinner,
a little dessert.
Get it, get it, get it?!
Yeah, it's a good idea.
Let them come up with
it, okay? Are you crazy?
Are you crazy?
You want them to
think we're cheap?
Oh, all right, all right.
Let's put him back
in his little house.
Okay.
My gosh.
He doesn't seem
to want to go home.
Maybe there's a...
It must be on an electrical
switch or something.
Let's look around. Well,
there ain't nothing here
but nuts and bolts.
Or maybe it's back here.
No, no, here it is.
I got it right here. Oh, okay.
See, they got this dial that...
Laverne? Laverne?
Shirl! Lav... Laverne! Shirley!
Laverne! Wait a minute!
Just a second. Just a second.
Let me just turn
this thing and get...
One minute.
Just a second.
Okay, okay, I'll get you down.
Just hold on, just
hold on, okay, okay?
That thing!
That thing tried to eat me!
Get out from under there.
Oh, my gosh!
Oh, my gosh! Get... ow!
I've got the biggest rug burn!
Got some lint on you. Oh, my.
Oh, dear, look at
us. Such a mess!
We're going to have to tidy
up... Shirl, I lost my earring.
My rhinestone chip earring!
That bed ate my earring! Oh! Oh!
All right, well, it must be
over there somewhere. Okay.
Shirl, don't go to pieces.
Don't let a bed scare you.
Come on, pull yourself together.
Now, ignore it and act casual,
and we'll just walk out.
All right.
Oh... Gee, I really
like this room.
This is such interesting...
Hi, plant. Potted ferns,
you know, in a home.
They're just so nice.
There it is, Laverne, okay?!
Okay, I got it!
Shirley! Where did you go?!
Get the door!
Well, I got my earring.
Oh, look at us.
Oh, now they're going to think
that we're messy
and untidy and...
Yeah, I was
sweating bullets there.
I am a tad dewish myself.
But, but...
Aha! Aha!
The bathroom.
Laverne? Shirley?
Where are you?
We're in the powder room, Hank.
Uh, we'll be out in a minute.
Dinner's almost
ready and so are we.
Great! Don't keep
us waiting too long.
Ah, here we are, ladies.
Uh, let me take your wraps,
and the waitresses
will be out to serve us
a nice romantic
dinner in just a moment.
You've got waitresses?
Oh, yes, we hired some
girls to serve dinner.
Oh, ladies, I think
the lasagna's burning.
Here we come.
Hmm. Oh.
Who are you?
Oh, we're their dates.
Then who are we?
You're the kitchen help.
Oh... Well, perhaps
you didn't realize
those are our corsages.
Oh, no, we knew that.
Yes... Yes, we were
letting them air out.
We were just keeping them fresh.
You know how flowers are.
Come on... We just...
wanted to... Yeah.
Who's having "a hot time"?
Uh...
She is... Here you go.
You must be the "lady."
Look, girls,
there must be some
kind of misunderstanding.
When we said "dinner
for four," we meant us four.
I want to die.
No, no, everything's
just hunky-dory.
Uh, we didn't really want
to have a good
time tonight, anyway.
I want to die.
Listen, um,
I feel terrible about
this. I'll tell you what.
Why don't the two of you
join us for dinner? Yeah.
Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no.
We just couldn't
do that, really.
I really, suddenly,
feel sick to my stomach
and couldn't eat a thing.
How about you, Laverne?
Yeah, my foot hurts
too much to eat.
Yeah, so if it's all the same
with you, we'll just, um...
We'll serve you
and then am-scray.
Why don't you have a seat?
I could die.
Well, they're being awfully
good sports about this.
Well, I ask you...
I mean, why shouldn't they?
They ought to be grateful
to pick up some extra cash.
Uh, hold it down,
they might hear you.
So what?
Those girls were hired
to serve, not to listen.
Mmm-mm! Smells delicious!
Oh, boy.
Well, it should.
You know the old saying:
"Girls without looks
make the best cooks."
Can I use your fork? Sure.
Enjoy your meal!
Oh! Oh!
Just one minute.
And as for you, sister.
Give it to her, Shirl.
Oh!
Oh, vinegrette...
it'll wash out.
Oh, boy!
I'm so mad I could spit!
In fact, I think I will!
Why did you do that?
I'm sorry.
Why did you do that? I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Laverne, okay?
It's just that those
guys treated us like dirt.
Yeah, they treated us
like we didn't have
any feelings at all.
I mean, "if you cut
us, do we not bleed?
If you slap us, do
we not swell up?"
Boy, the shoe don't feel so good
on the other foot, does it?
Lenny, Squiggy, get down here!
What are you doing?
Well, we've got to
apologize to them.
Yeah, but they're not home.
They're at the
Teamsters Fish Fry.
Yeah.
Boy, what I wouldn't give
to be wrestling in
that mud right now.
They deserve to have
all the fun, Laverne,
and we deserve all the sorrow.
Oh, good! Good, you're here.
Yeah. What's the matter,
you haven't hurt us enough?
Now maybe you'd like us
eat your garbage? Yeah.
Maybe, maybe it just
might be more convenient
if you ran over us a couple
of times with the truck.
Might make you
feel a little better?
Guys, please. Guys,
come on in and sit down.
Pushing me around now, huh?
Just sit down.
We're trying to talk to
you like human beings.
Good luck.
Lenny, Squiggy, we
owe you an apology.
Yeah, we, we're real sorry
for, uh, standing you
up and everything.
Yeah, we know just
how you felt and, uh...
do you forgive us?
How-How are we supposed to know?
I mean, nobody's ever
apologized to us before. Yeah.
Aren't you supposed to
be down on your knees
or something like that?
No, no, they can stand
up, but they got to kiss
our feet. I want to see that.
Don't push your luck, guys.
Hey, who hit me? Who hit me?
Listen, listen, listen.
Will you settle for this?
The next time you ask us out,
we'll go with you, we promise.
Oh. Does that include
the annual Teamsters
Fish Fry and Mudfight?
Well, sure.
If you guys want
to wait a whole year,
we'll be happy to
go with you. Yeah.
That's great! Only it ain't
next year, it's next week.
Huh? What?
Well, this is the funny part.
You see, Lenny got his
weekends mixed up, again.
And you should have
seen the Tishler twins.
Boy, were they mad! Yeah.
Especially him... he
shaved and everything.
Well, uh, we don't want
to upset the Tishler twins,
so, uh, listen, how about this?
Anytime you want
to take us anywhere,
we'd be glad to go, okay?
Anytime, anywhere,
huh? Anywhere?
Well, that sounds very fair.
Follow me. Squig.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Laverne, get him!
You get anything off of them?
Nothing.
That's a start. Yeah.
Shirl, I'm full.
I can't eat any more pizza.
Hi, girls.
Hi, guys. Hi, boys.
Well, girls, uh...
why don't we make
a little deal with you?
What? How would you
like to hold our ant farm
if you give us
some of that pizza?
It's all yours.
All right. Here.
Let me see them.
Oh... It's like a real farm.
It's got little ant cows
and ant chickens in it.
Yeah, and we're
hoping to catch a big fly
so we can have
an ant crop duster.
You know, Laverne,
ants are intelligent and
highly social creatures.
Yeah, they must be smart, Shirl.
There's a bunch of them
going right down your arm.
Oh, no! Save 'em! Save 'em!
Throw 'em some pizza.
Throw 'em some pizza.
Line up guys. Gee...
from up here they
look just like little ants.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our way ♪
♪ Yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our dreams ♪
♪ Come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪