Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 23 - The Dance Studio - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Okay, let's get out of here.

Frank, come on.

We can't just eat
and run, it's impolite.

Besides, it gives you gas.

Yeah.

It wouldn't kill
you to sit around

and talk for a few minutes.

We never talk. We're
related, you know.

All right, let's begin.

Why ain't you married?

Well, good night, Pop.

Look, look, Frank,

Let's you and I go sit up
on my couch, real close,

and then you won't
have to talk at all, okay?

Good. I'll take a nap.

They hardly had a
chance to finish their dinner.

Yeah, I'm real sorry they
left before dessert, Shirl.

Don't worry about it.

All the more of my fried
parsnip custard for us.

Do you know where the Bromo is?

Is that supposed to be a
comment about my cooking?

I didn't see you rush
in to cook dinner.

Yeah, well I got
better things to do

than spend my
time in the kitchen.

Oh, yeah?

Well, answer me this.

How do you intend on keeping
a husband happy, hmm?

Well, I hear that gives
them a hearty appetite.

Come in, Carmine.

I came to borrow a
cup of Mercurochrome.

What happened to you?

What happened? What happened?

Did somebody mug
you? Did you get mugged?

What happened? What
happened, Carmine?

Don't squeeze, don't... Who
did this to you, who did it?

Who did it? Tell me
who did this to you.

Laverne will beat
them senseless.

Look, don't worry,
I wasn't mugged.

I was boxing at the
Boom Boom Club.

Look, could you help
me get cleaned up?

They got three more guys
waiting for me down there.

Well, don't just sit there,
go get the first aid kit, please.

All right, what do you want?

Methiolate?
Mercurochrome? Iodine?

I'll get all three.

Ow! Don't touch me!

That's funny, that's
what you usually say.

I want you to know something.

I do not approve
of this hitting.

I find it inhuman.

And only mildly exciting.

What are they doing?

Having a contest to see how
many guys can beat you up?

Nah, I'm doing it for the money.

25 bucks a fight I get.

Get the Bible, Laverne.

Get the money out
of the Bible right now.

Get the Bible,
get the first aid kit,

who died and made me Cinderella?

I'm surprised at you, Carmine.

I mean, if you needed money,
you should have asked us.

Everything we have is yours.

Okay, Carmine, how
much do you need?

5,000 bucks.

Five thous... Let us pray.

Amen.

$5,000, what do you
need that much money for?

Well, Marjorie Ward's
selling the dance studio,

and she's giving me
first chance to buy it.

I got ten days, but no bank
will lend me the money.

Yeah. Ooh, banks are like that.

They only loan money to
people who don't need it.

You never see a bum
getting a loan, do you?

Oh, I wasn't calling
you a bum, Carmine.

They treated me like a bum.

They didn't even
give me a calendar.

Aw.

Look, if you're young,
they won't even talk to you...

unless you're married.

Gee, Carmine, what
can we do to help?

I need a wife.

Not here in front of Laverne.

Can't you wait
until we're alone?

No, no, no, you
don't understand.

I only need a
wife for one night.

Get out. No, no, no.

No, it's for the money.

Oh, then why don't you just
call Ready Betty Wazelewsky?

Both of you, get
out of here! Get out!

No, no, no, you
don't understand.

I need a wife for
the bank's sake.

I don't understand it.

Don't you understand? Look...

I have to get the loan, I
have to prove... I understand.

I understand... you
mean a make believe wife

just so you can get the loan.

Oh, Shirl, you'd
be perfect for that.

Oh, I don't think I could
do anything like that.

I'm no good at lying.
Oh, you could do it.

Please, Shirl?

It would mean
an awful lot to me.

Well... okay.

Just 'cause I don't want to
see you fighting anymore.

Now that you two
are husband and wife,

you want to get
in a little practice?

Boy, you just stepped
straight off the bus

right into Filthtown,
didn't you?

Where is Shirley?

I've waited a whole
week for this appointment,

and she's not here.

Will you just relax?
She'll be here.

Look at you, you're
sweating bullets.

Do I look all right?
How do I look?

You look fine.

Who's there?

Mr. Caulley.

The guy from the bank
and I don't have a wife!

Don't panic. What
am I going to do?

Just go to the door,
answer it, be polite,

say, "Pleased to meet
you," you know. Go ahead.

Go on, go on.

Pleased to meet you.

Mr. Ragusa? Yeah,
pleased to meet you.

I'm Mr. Caulley of
Pfister Savings and Loan,

about your loan application.

Yeah. Pleased to meet you.

He is so pleased to meet you.

Uh, why don't you just come
in and sit down on the couch,

and just make yourself at home.

Thank you.

Uh, can I get you something?

How about some coffee? A cookie?

How about a banana?

They're real ripe, huh?

Yum, yum, yum.

No, it would ruin my lunch.

But thank you, Mrs. Ragusa.

Uh, your wife is
very lovely, sir.

Oh, no, not me.

I beg your pardon? No, I'm not.

Oh... I beg your pardon?

Uh, she's a kidder,
she's a kidder.

No, you see, she's
very modest, you see.

You said "My lovely
wife," and she said "No"

because she doesn't
think she's lovely,

but she's my wife

and she certainly is
lovely, right, darling?

Wasn't supposed to be...

Yeah, I guess that's me,
the lovely Mrs. Ragusa.

Want some dinner, honey?

No thanks, dear.

Well...

Well, why don't we just go
over your loan application?

Look, uh, did I fill
out that thing all right?

Well, you didn't
put anything here

in the space under children.

Nope, no kids.

Oh, that's too bad.

Children give a couple
a sense of permanence.

But Laverne's pregnant.

I am?

Didn't I... didn't I tell you?

See, oh, the doctor
called this morning

and said the rabbit died.

Well, uh, this is very exciting.

Thank you. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Yeah, I hardly know
how it happened.

Oh, come on.

Oh, yeah, I remember now.

Look, when will I find out

if I'm getting the
loan, Mr. Caulley?

Well, we at Pfister
Savings and Loan

like to say that we are
suckers for a family man.

I think we may be able to
approve this, uh, right away.

I'm getting it?

You mean I'm getting a check?!

Oh, Mr. Caulley, you've
made us a very happy couple.

In fact uh, we're going to
name our first kid after you.

Well, I'm, I'm very
deeply moved.

Little Euripides Ragusa.

Euripides? I don't
like that name.

We'll call him Rip.

Okay, where do I sign here?

Uh, I don't want you
to be too hasty with this.

Don't you think
that the two of you

should talk it over in private?

Read all the fine print and
see what you're getting into.

Oh, what's to talk,
just sign it dear, okay?

The man wants us
to talk it over, darling.

We're going to
go in the bedroom.

We'll be out in a few minutes.

He's my lord and master.

Carmine, darling, I'm home.

Oh, let me help you, madam.

Oh, thank you,
thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

Oh, you must be the
gentleman from the bank.

Uh, yes. I'm Mr. Caulley.

I'm Shirley Ragusa,
Carmine's wife.

His wife? Yes.

Yes, and this
is our little baby.

Little Euripides?

Oh, heavens no.

Who'd give a child a
stupid name like Euripides?

No. This is little
Fabian Ragusa.

Mr. Ragusa said that
he had no children yet.

Well, this is a new baby.

A very new baby.

In fact, I'm just coming
home from the hospital

to surprise Carmine,

Well, my wife and
I will take the loan.

Which wife?

Which one do you like better?

Well, we blew it.

We didn't blew it.

Everything would have
worked out just fine

if your wife didn't
go looking for a baby.

Well, I'm very sorry.

But I was only trying to help

and I thought the baby
added a nice touch.

Besides, I'm getting
50 cents an hour

while Mrs. Wong
has her hair done.

Maybe we could
talk to the guy, huh?

No, no, forget it, forget it.

Look, banks aren't
for people like me.

I'm going to get the money
from Nathan the Greek.

Carmine, you can't go to Nathan
the Greek. Who's Nathan the Greek?

Well, at least he'll
give me the money.

Yeah, but what if you can't pay
him back? Who is Nathan the Greek?

Well, that's the
chance I've got to take.

Well, that's an awfully
high price to pay.

Who's Nathan the Greek?!

A loan shark. A loan shark.

A loan shark?

I think you ought
to think about it.

No, I'm finished
thinking. I've had it.

I want that dance studio!

Carmine, you're nuts if you
go ahead with this. Carmine...

Well, at least he's
going to be able

to buy the dance studio.

But he's getting it
from a loan shark.

If he can't pay, they're
going to break his legs.

Now we got to do something.

Well, maybe Nathan the
Greek is a nice loan shark.

Shirl, think about
what you're saying.

Do they call them loan bunnies?

Loan guppies?

No, loan shark.

They're going to
bite your face off.

Well, we got to do something.

What?

Don't worry, Laverne, after
we get through with this guy,

he won't loan Carmine a dime.

I don't know, maybe
we shouldn't have asked

Nathan the Greek down
here without telling Carmine.

Oh, stop it, it's
for his own good.

And besides, when
the time comes,

I'll handle Carmine.

Oh, yeah, that's real good.

But just in case, think
of something else, okay?

Hey, guys, you getting ready?

Yeah.

Boy, are you lucky we
owe you a favor, Laverne.

Oh, well, come on out.

Don't peek!

It's all right.

Ladies.

Good evening.

Good evening. Good evening.

It's Nathan the Greek. Oh.

Obviously.

I understand there's
some people around here

would like to talk a
little business with me?

Yes. Yes, uh... we
wanted to tell you, um,

we wanted to talk
about the money

that you're going to be
loaning Carmine Ragusa.

Ah, nice boy, Carmine.

Really knows how
to take a punch.

Right, Shins?

What do you bimbos do here?

Are you calling me a bimbo? No.

No, no, no, no,
no... I don't care...

I want you to take a
good look at this man,

and note his large size.

Now, Shins, she's right.

You don't call a lady "bimbo."

Go ahead, go ahead. He
insulted you. Smack him.

Please, go ahead.
Oh, no, no, no, no.

Please. No, no.
See, you did it again.

It's the only way
he's going to learn.

Oh, I'm certain he'll
never say it again.

Bimbo.

Please. Please, huh?

Please. Go on. Please.

I'm not really
very good at this.

My pleasure. Please. I insist.

Oh, come on, Shirl,
I think he likes it.

Go ahead. Really?

Um... I'll save mine for later.

Um, Carmine wanted us

to show you how he intends
to pay you the money back.

Mm-hmm?

Yeah, so you
don't break his legs.

Now, you see, Shins,
it does pay to advertise.

Yeah, you see
what we're gonna do

is we're gonna put shows on,

right here in this
dancing school,

and, uh, with a couple of
Carmine's best students.

Yes, with the money
Carmine makes with that,

he's going to be
able to pay you back

in a flash.

Would you gentlemen
care to sit down, hmm?

That will be very
nice, thank you.

Please, right here.

Thank you We'll be right out.

Yeah.

Let's see if this Carmine

knows what he's doing, huh?

Pay attention. You
might learn something.

If it's real good, can I come
back and take lessons?

Sure. Just like you wanted
to learn how to play the piano.

Four lessons and you quit.

Hold it.

Go on guys, get on.

Go on, go on.

Go on, go on.

Music.

All right, stand in a line,

just like we planned, all right?

Look at me, look at me.

♪ ♪

♪ Come do the hula-hula
with the hula babies ♪

♪ We will show you how ♪

♪ Turn around and turn around ♪

♪ But don't forget to smile ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Some do it just like this... ♪

♪ Some do it just like this... ♪

♪ Some do it just like this... ♪

♪ Some do it just like this... ♪

♪ Come do the hula-hula
with the hula babies ♪

♪ We will show you how ♪

♪ It's such fun we
know you'll like it ♪

♪ Watch us closely now. ♪

Well... this is Carmine's
business. Pretty good, huh?

I, I was deeply moved.

You mean you liked it?

No, I found it
completely repulsive.

Was my nose running?

I would like to thank you

for saving me $5,000.

Let's get out of here.

Come on, just, let's grab five
bucks and let's go to a movie.

I don't want to be around
after Carmine talks to Nathan.

Where is it? Zaccharia? Kings?

I can't find it.
Did we spend it?

Where is it?

Ezekiel.

Look who dropped in.

Carmine. Well, we
can see you're busy,

so... we'll just come
back another time.

We live here.

Oh, yeah.

Uh... you said you
could handle him.

Oh... Go handle him.

Let's see some of
that old handling.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Hi, big fella.

I know we're a tad upset.

It's not gonna work.

I saw Nathan. I'm
not getting a loan.

Yeah, but, Carmine,
Carmine, we were just

trying to help you, that's all.

All right, you want to help?

Tell me how I can
get the money now.

Well, you can... Come on!

I... You didn't think
about that, did you?

All you did was mess
up my last chance ever

to get that dance studio!

Don't you understand?

I want to own my own business.

I want to be a somebody.

I'm sick and tired
my whole life,

it's been "Carmine,
why are you late?"

"Carmine, teach class,"
"Carmine, lift that box,"

"Carmine, do this, do that."

I want to be my own boss.

I don't want to be a nobody.

Oh, Carmine,
there's another way.

Yeah, we can think of a plan.

Look, forget about your plans.

I'm sick and tired
of your plans.

I know what let's
do! I know what.

What? Let's all do
what we used to do

when we were kids
and we were upset.

Let's go out and stop
the ice cream man

and get three Eskimo pies.

What?!

Yeah, you remember.

♪ Ice cream, you scream,
we all scream for ice cream. ♪

Look, we're not
kids anymore, huh?

Ice cream is not going
to solve any problems.

Look, maybe the banks are right.

Maybe I am a bum.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna pack my bags.

I can't stay in a town
where I'm nothing.

Besides, it'd get kind of lonely

around here with no friends.

"To my good friend, Carmine.

"Keep dancing.

Gene Kelly."

♪ ♪

♪ I'll go my way by myself ♪

♪ This is the end of romance ♪

♪ I'll go my way by myself ♪

♪ Love is only a dance... ♪

♪ I'll try to apply myself ♪

♪ And teach my
heart how to sing ♪

♪ I'll go my way by myself ♪

♪ Like a bird on the wing ♪

♪ I'll face the unknown ♪

♪ I'll build a world of my own ♪

♪ No one knows
better than I myself ♪

♪ I'm by myself, alone... ♪

Oh. Hi, Carmine.

Hi, Mrs. B.

Listen, do you want
a real challenge?

Frank and I want
a dancing lesson.

I'm sorry, but we're closed.

Hey, don't I make you a pizza

at my place when we're closed?

Look, I'm sorry, but
this is not my place.

Look Mrs. B., uh...

I put your rent, uh,
underneath the door.

And, uh, Mr. DeFazio,

thanks for letting me
sing at the Pizza Bowl.

I'll send you a
postcard from wherever.

You forgot something.

What?

Your friends.

What do you mean?

Here. What's this?

A loan.

I don't understand.

We co-signed for you.

I put up the apartment building.

Frank put up the Pizza
Bowl for collateral.

I can't take this from you.

Aw, come on, you can take it.

Don't you think I
know what it is to want

your own business, and
nobody around to help?

Yeah, people like us have
got to look out for each other.

I think you should know
the banks think I'm a bad risk.

Aww, it doesn't matter
what the bank thinks.

They're strangers.

It's what your friends think.

That's right.

And we love you, right,

Huh? I love him. Yeah.

Uh...

I guess I got some
pretty nice friends.

Aww... Yeah, yeah...

I don't know what to say.

Say you'll make the
payments, or I'll break your legs.

Okay, where are you hiding?!

Come on out! Come on out!

I know you're here!

Here we are.

Ice cream.

Eskimo pies.

It's all gone.

Yeah, well, they were melting

so we had to eat them.

I didn't know my father
would take so long.

You want to lick my stick?

No.

How'd you know it was us?

How did I know it was you?

Who messed things up
for me with the loan shark?

Uh, we did.

So who had to fix things up?

We did. Us.

You did a great job. Thanks.

You're welcome.

Thanks, Vernie.

You know, the next time
we help someone out,

he better kiss me
and mess your hair up.

Oh, hey... Vernie?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Please don't ever do that again.

Come on, let's go
get Eskimo pies.

Okay, I'm buying this time.

All right.

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪