Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 3, Episode 22 - 2001: A Comedy Odyssey - full transcript

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

♪ We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Don't cry, Frank.

Lassie came home.

I ain't crying.

Then your face is leaking.

I ain't crying!

All right, you're not
crying, but don't yell.

You'll wake up
Laverne and Shirley.

Oh, they shouldn't have
gone to bed so early.

Well, they're tired
of listening to you.

"Laverne, you
ought to get married.

"You need a husband.

"You're going to
be old and lonely.

Even Lassie got married."

They don't want to
hear that anymore.

Look, Frank, face it.

Laverne might never get married.

Bite your tongue.

Just like I told her,

she better get married
before she gets old and fat.

Oh.

I want... grandchildren!

I want grandchildren!

I want grandchildren!

Better get married
before it's too late.

Before it's too late.

Too late.

Is that you, Laverne?

Yeah, my key's
stuck in the lock again.

Okay, wait just a minute.

Well, where are you?

Shirl, where are you?

Huh?

Yoo-hoo!

Come on. Don't hide.

I got some great
news to tell you.

In the closet.

What is the matter with you?

You know perfectly well

I didn't have my keys out there.

Darn foot's gone to
sleep on me again..

No, no, no, no, your
foot's in the trash can.

Take it off of me, please.

Don't make me bend.

Now come here.
Put your glasses on.

I want to talk to you.

I don't like to wear my glasses.

They make me look old.

We are old.

Speak for yourself, sister.

Now what are you
doing home so late?

Guess what
happened after bowling.

What?

Zeke Hocksteader
asked me to marry him

and guess what I said.

What? Yes.

What?! Yes.

What? Yes.

You can't marry
Zeke Hocksteader.

Why not?

He's still got all his teeth.

But Zeke Hocksteader
is definitely not Mr. Right.

Mr. Right, Mr. Right...
Mmm... picky, picky, picky.

Zeke Hocksteader is
too old for you, Laverne.

You'll wear him out.

Are you kidding?

I've seen Zeke
with his T-shirt off

and he's got the
body of a 70-year-old.

Whoo!

Still only interested
in one thing.

Aren't you?

You're darn right.

You told me I should save
myself until I got married.

Well, I'm tired of saving.

I'm going to
vo-de-oh-doh before I go.

Well, my dear, I can tell you

that it's not that big a thing.

How do you know?

Tea, dear?

No.

You know something?

I should have married
Carmine Ragusa years ago.

Yep.

He was so cute with all
that singing and dancing

and that sweet little way he
had of knocking at the door.

How'd you do that?

I didn't do that.

I didn't do it.

That's Carmine's
knock. No, it couldn't be...

Yes, it is Carmine.
Not after all these years.

Carmine, is that you?

It's me, Angel Face.

Angel Face! He
remembered Angel Face!

Answer the door!

Answer the door, Laverne.

Answer the door.
Come on. Come on.

Answer the door.
Answer the door.

Okay, try to look sexy.

I'm trying.

I'm not going to let
him get away this time.

Come in, Carmine.

♪ Hallelujah,
hallelujah, hallelujah! ♪

Carmine.

No, no, no, no, that's
okay. You don't...

Oh, no, no, you don't
have to get down, Laver...

Laverne.

Boy, you really filled out.

Yeah, well, I guess
we all changed, huh?

Is that my Big Ragu coming
to get his little Angel Face?

She can't see a thing
without her glasses on.

Well, I think it might be
a good idea if you told her

it's not exactly The Big
Ragu anymore, huh?

Shirl, put your glasses on.

Come here, big fella,

and let me run my
fingers through your hair.

Uh, Shirl, I think there's
something you should know.

All I know is we've
been apart too long.

Come here and
take me in your arms.

Tell me you're just a minister.

A priest?

It's all right. It's all right.

Just my final hope for
happiness has vanished

off the face of God's earth.

I can handle it.

Come on, honey, come on.

Well, do something.
You're the priest.

♪ Toora, loora, raloora ♪

♪ Toora, loora... ♪

No, no, no.

That's not going
to work, Carmine.

You'd better talk to her.

I got to pack.

I'm getting married.

Finally? Well,
congratulations. Yeah.

Thanks.

Well, I better go run.

You run?

I may be old, but I
still got all the moves.

Tell me something, Carmine...
I mean, Father Ragusa.

May I ask you a question?

Shoot, my child.

Why, why, why?!

Was it something I did?
Was it something I did?!

Shirley, you didn't do anything.

That's it, isn't it?

I can make it up to you.

I've read books.

Shirley, Shirley, I
like being a priest.

Now, look, hey, look, it's
the first steady job I ever had.

Well, you do have a nice boss.

Huh? What do you think?

This nightie should
keep Zeke happy, huh?

Will you put that away
in front of a holy man?

I like it.

Want to see it on? SHIRLEY: No!

It looks real
good. You can't get

that thing on anyway.

You can't get it on.

Give it to me!

Forgive her, Father, for
she knows not what she did.

Tea? Say no.

Tea? No.

Hello.

Oh, yeah, he's here.

It's for you, Carmine.

Oh, thanks.

Yes, this is Father Ragusa.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'll be right over.

Sorry, girls, I got to run.

Oh, something wrong?

I got to give last rites.

Some guy named Zeke
Hocksteader just passed away.

Ah.

I was so close, Shirl.

I just can't believe it!

Why me? Why me?

Now, now, come on, come
on. It's not the end of the world.

Everything will be all right.

Oh, Zeke was the first
guy to propose in 20 years.

So you had a dry spell.

So what?

Well, I don't got
20 years to wait.

I may lose my
girlish figure first.

Listen to reason.

Things are bound to get
better for you. They are.

I can feel it in my bones.

I'm certain, I promise you,

the next man you meet is
going to be your Mr. Right.

Hello.

Ha, ha, there they are, Len,

just like we left 'em
some 48 years ago.

Yeah, and they're
just as lovely as ever.

Laverne is easily
twice as lovely.

All the more woman to love.

Ooh.

Lenny.

No, no, I didn't
mean marry Lenny.

I didn't mean Lenny
was to marry, no.

Well, at least he's
breathing, ain't he?

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Hi, boys. Hi, how are you?

Glad to see that you,
uh, kept the place up.

We just bought it.

Right.

That means they must be
rich, Shirl. You'll like that.

You mean you fellows
own real estate?

Own real estate.

Some of our assets
are in real estate.

Of course, we're diversified.

In that case,

why don't you just
take a load off your feet?

I don't want them
to sit down in here.

I don't... They're
rich men, Shirl.

They're still Lenny and Squiggy.

Hello. Hello.

Hello.

No, no, no.

Look, they're men in suits.

You like that.
They're men in suits.

Oh, I don't want to.
Now get over there...

I don't want to.

I'm so embarrassed.

Laverne, dear, I think it
might be a good suggestion

if you sat in the middle.

Okay... help me up.

What are we doing? Okay.

I made it.

Scoot over, scoot over, Squig.

Scoot over.

That milk and Pepsi
really caught up with you,

huh, Laverne?

It's not fat. I
just retain water.

So does the Hoover Dam.

Still got that great
sense of humor, huh?

You boys married?

Uh, I was married,

but, uh, I lost my lovely
wife ten years ago.

Oh, I'm sorry, Len.

Aw, don't be sorry.

She ain't dead or nothing.

The fool lost her someplace.

I bet that means Squig's
single, too, huh, Shirl?

I have no doubt.

Well, at the present
time, I am available,

but I have been
married 12 times.

Well, I hope you
have no children.

No.

That is the bad luck I have had.

Married to 12 barren women.

But I ain't giving up.

You see that's,
uh, what we wanted

to talk to you girls about.

We figured if
you're not married,

then maybe you'd care to join us

in a little slab
of wedded bliss.

Get out!

Shut up!

Uh, this is so sudden, boys.

Is this afternoon good for you?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Laverne, I don't think

that this would
suit me personally.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, Squig,

but you can be me
and Len's best man.

No, no, no. See, I'm sorry.

It's a package deal here.

It's got to be all
four of us or nothing.

Why?

Well, I can't leave
Squiggy alone.

He has bouts of melancholia.

That's between you and me, Len.

Oh, come on, Squig.

Sweet-talk her, turn
on the old charm.

The old charm, huh?

Come on, Shirl.

You're-You're
too old to be picky.

No!

Be careful. That's
an $11 hairpiece.

Oh, forget the charm.

Just get down on your
knees and pop the question.

Okay. I'll do it... Cupcake.

Same goes for me, Pound Cake.

What is the matter? Oh! Ow!

Oh, it's all right.
It's all right.

Just my-my-my my leg.

My leg went out on me.

Old gunshot wound. Oh, the Army?

No, my wife.

Ah, well, with 12 wives,

you're bound to get shot by one.

I was shot by six.

Poisoned by four,

and the other two just
didn't understand me.

Well, let's get on with it.

Wake up, Len.

Laverne... Shirley...

Well, would you please do us
this favor? Would you marry...?

Would you two...
the two of you...

The both... Everyone,
let's all get married.

Would you give
us... Uh, Shirley.

And get married
to us, please? Now.

This could be our
last chance, Shirley.

Well... Good enough!

Come up here... Come on.

Coming right up!

Come on, come on. I'm coming up.

Come to Papa,
my little love beetle!

Just, you know, a
little bit, uh, nervous...

Now, Lenny, this is your
big day. Don't get excited.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, well,
excuse me, uh, Father Carmine?

Uh, there's something I do
want to ask you. Go ahead.

Can you still get a deal
on those hot cameras

and clock radios
like you used to?

Lenny, I'm a priest.

Well, it ain't Sunday.

I didn't say I couldn't
get you a discount.

That's the old Big Ragu.

Okay, I'm ready.

Had to get the
bullet-proof vest on.

Got a little tight in the back.

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

Where are the old
broads? They coming up?

Okay, we're ready?
You guys ready?

Yeah, sure. Put your collar on.

You girls ready in there?

We're ready.

No! All right.

♪ Comes the bride ♪

♪ All dressed in white... ♪

All right, all right, let's get
this, uh, wedding jazz over

and get right to the
honeymoon part.

Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Laverne? Laverne? Mmm?

Take a look at this man.

Now, suppose he
can't make me happy?

You'll shoot him
like the others did.

Move over, Squig.

Hi. Hi.

You look wonderful.

One question, Len.

Can you still perform
your manly duties?

Everything but mow the lawn.

Hot dog!

Gee, Shirl, I can hardly wait

till we get started
on our first kid.

What do you want,
a boy or a girl?

I want a gun.

A gun... Okay, are
we all ready here?

Okay.

Dearly beloved, we are
gathered together today

to join these two
couples in holy matrimony.

Do you take each
other to be lawfully wed?

To love, honor and cherish,
till death do you part?

I do.

I do.

I do.

I don't.

I'm sorry, but I can't.

I'm sorry, Squiggy.

It's nothing personal.

It's just that
you're too strange.

Well, I've never been
so insulted in all my life.

Sure you have.

No, I haven't!

I have been shot at.

I have been poisoned.

I've even been spit
upon by the little children.

But nobody's ever
hurt my feelings!

I do hope you're happy!

Hasn't that man suffered enough?

Ooh!

Lenny?

Lenny?!

Well... I guess
I'll be going now.

Uh, it was a good ceremony.

Look at the bright
side of things, girls.

You could still become nuns.

♪ Toora, loora,
loora, loora, loora... ♪

That was my last chance
at marriage, and you blew it.

Now, now, you know
what I think we should do?

I think that we should
have a cup of tea,

sit down, and talk
this whole thing over.

You ain't going
to be able to sit

'cause I'm going to kick
your withered little keister

up and down Knapp Street!

Where'd you go?

Oh, there you are.

Take that!

What have I done, Laverne?

You busted the lamp.

Oh.

Get over here
and fight, come on.

Get down here. Get
down here and fight.

So there you are
picking a fight... Okay.

Okay.

Come on!

You're nothing but an old...

Come on, come on.

Get ready to...

I've waited a
long time for this.

I've waited 60 years,

listening to your
gums flap up and down.

Now... Cheater! Fat cheater!

No! Please, please!

Please, truce,
truce, please, truce.

Look at this, Laverne.

Look at it for a minute.

I am lying here
under mounds of flesh,

all because I stopped you from
marrying Leonard Kosnowski.

It is kind of funny, isn't it?

No! No! No!

Get up. Get up.

Oh. Oh! Oh!

Laverne.

Over here.

Here.

Help me get up. Help
me get up. Will you?

Oh... there you go.

I just don't
understand it, Laverne.

I don't understand

why you're so darned
desperate to get married anyway.

'Cause I'm 83 years old.

My pop said I needed a
husband to take care of me,

to make a life for me.

And what's wrong
with your life anyway?

You're happy. You go bowling.

You go to the fights.

You're the toughest
hockey player on your team.

Yeah, well, that's 'cause

when I bodycheck,
I bodycheck, but...

Well, I don't know
about you, Laverne,

but I'm proud to be old.

Yeah...

And I'm happy
with my life, Yeah...

even if I'm not married.

Oh, I'm happy with my life, too.

Mm.

It's not like I'm alone.

Uh-uh.

It's just I live with this...

with a little person
who attacks lamps.

That's true.

And I live with a gigantic
person who attacks cakes.

I don't have to marry Lenny.

I like my life.

It's not too late.

It's not too late!

Oh!

It's not too late!

Laverne? Laverne, wake up.

Wake up.

It's okay, Muffin. It's okay.

I'm still young.

I'm still skinny.

You're still alive.

Yeah, sometimes
Edna doesn't think so.

Oh, I must have
been having a dream.

I was going to marry Lenny.

That's a nightmare.

You see what all your talk
about marriage has done?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You don't have to marry Lenny.

Now, you just relax.

Now, lie down and
go back to sleep.

Don't worry about your father.

Just marry whoever you want.

That's okay. Sure, you do that.

Just make sure he's Italian.

You know, sometimes
you're a nightmare.

Come on.

You awake, Shirl?

You marrying Lenny!

Oh, I can see it now!

What are you laughing about?

You were marrying Squiggy.

That's not funny.

You were, and you loved it.

You were crazy about him.

No! He called you
his little love beetle.

And you loved it. No!

You couldn't wait
to say, "I do." No!

Yeah, that's right, and you
ripped his shirt off and said,

"I want you. I want
you. I want you."

Oh, I don't want
to hear that. No!

Well, I'm just going
to go back to sleep

and dream about how your
five little kids were doing.

Squiggy Junior...

No, don't do that, please.

Squigola and
Squigina, the twins.

All right, that's it.

Godzilla and Rodan...

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our way ♪

♪ Yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our dreams ♪

♪ Come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪