Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 7 - Dear Future Model - full transcript
The girls decide to start a new career in modeling.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
All right, all right,
move it, will you?!
Gangway, gangway!
We got an important
publicity stunt here.
A big bowling magazine is
gonna take some pictures,
and Mr. De Fazio is in for
some free publicity for this joint,
so just cool it, will you?
Hey. I'm sorry I'm
late; I got hit by a car.
Let's go bowl.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's go bowl.
Do you know who's
here today? No.
Who's here today is
Miss Headpin of this year.
She's the bowling queen.
Who wants to look
at a bowling queen?
Probably got three
holes in her face.
Oh, come back here, would you?
Well, uh... you,
uh, sit here often?
Our first quarrel.
Hey, I'll get it, I'll get it.
Um, oh, hi, do you know
anything about zippers?
We have a slight problem here.
Hello. Hello.
Nothing.
Oh, there are the boys.
Squiggy... Hey, you guys
know anything about zippers?
Shirley...
Hey, girl, do you know
anything about zippers here?
Smile.
Will you get out of here!
What is going on here?
What's that girl sitting
on the counter for?
That girl, as you put it,
happens to be this year's
Miss Headpin, and she's a
gorgeous hunk of woman-ility.
I'd like to reset her pins.
Oh.
Can anyone help us?
Anybody?
Uh, could somebody
please help me down?
Oh, yeah! Sure!
Get out of here!
I need some more outside
shots, Monika. I can't!
I'm running into overtime.
The next hour's gonna
cost you 60 bucks.
60 bucks an hour.
60 bucks an hour!
You've been saying
that all the way home.
60 big ones... that's what
that Miss Pinball model makes.
60 bucks an hour.
That's more than we make
capping bottles in a week.
All right, then do
something about it.
What?
This month's Secret
True Confessions.
What? We're gonna
write vo-de-oh-do stories?
No, the back.
"The Famous Academy of
American Modeling By Mail."
Modeling by mail?
15 bucks.
15 bucks? What are you, crazy?
Look, do you want
style and elegance?
Eh.
Do you want a
better way of life?
Eh.
Do you want guys to ogle you?
Yeah, yeah, I want that.
All right, then go in
halvsies with me on this.
Halvsies... What's that, $7.50?
That's right, seven
and a half bucks apiece.
And all we do is sit back
and wait for the mailman
to bring us our new lives.
Our lives are in the
hands of a mailman?
Do you really think
this modeling course
is gonna make you sexy?
I hope it does you as much good
as my bodybuilding course
did for Mr. Charles Atlas.
Why don't you show them, Squig?
Sure. Watch this.
It's like nothing
to him, you know.
Uh, yeah, that's
real good, thanks.
Uh, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.
You know the old expression,
"You scratch mine,
I'll scratch yours"?
You know what I mean, hmm?
Okay, what is it?
Can we borrow your sheets?
God, no!
Why do you want to
borrow our sheets?
Well, we are expecting
two gorgeous
chick-a-roonies upstairs,
for dinner and crackers.
And we would like to,
uh, how shall I say it?
Get to first base with them.
You know, I think a clean
pair of sheets is all we need
to get us over
the old goal line.
Uh, what's the matter
with your own sheets?
They're hard.
Get out.
Mr. Fong put starch... Get out!
- He thought it was the...
- Get out! Out!
He thought it was a shirt.
It was a sheet,
not a shirt. O-U-T.
All right, just think about it.
Just think...
All right, clear your mind.
Here it is, Laverne,
instant glamour!
I can hardly wait to
see what they sent us.
Oh, look, a wig.
No, it's not.
You know what's in here?
Jars and tubes and
bottles and books!
And it's mine, all
mine, mine, mine.
Wait a second, it's ours.
$7.50 here.
Seven-five-oh.
Okay, all right. All right.
See, I told you
this wasn't a racket.
All this stuff has been
scientifically tested.
Yeah, on who?
I don't know, prisoners.
Look, look!
A book!
Top Models Reveal
Their Intimate Secrets.
Great. Where are the hot parts?
It's nothing to do with that,
it's their beauty secrets.
Oh. Look.
Makeup tips, posture,
runway techniques, voice.
We are gonna read
every word of this.
"Dear Future Model..."
We're gonna read it now?
No, we're just gonna
read the introduction now.
"Welcome to The Famous Academy
of American Modeling by Mail.
"After following our plan,
any modeling agency will
greet you with open arms."
That's it! We have got it made!
Got it made, I can't
even open this jar.
"Note that we have divided
the body into eight equal parts."
Wait, mine aren't equal.
They're not...
"Be sure to return
the questionnaire to us
"along with a lock of your hair
for examination by
our expert, Mr. Billy."
Mr. Billy.
Yeah, we have to send
him some of our hair.
Well, okay, get a
scissors. Oh, all right.
Oh, here's an envelope
that says "For hair sample."
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Whose hair do we send?
We're only registered
as one model.
Well, we'll send him a
little bit of each of ours.
No, no, you can't mix up hair.
Mr. Billy is a scientist,
he has a logical mind.
Would you stop with that?
No scientist is named Mr. Billy.
That's a name for a
pony or something.
Well, how are we going to
determine whose hair to send?
I think we should
send mine. Mine.
No, we should
send my hair! Mine!
Why yours?
I was the one who filled out
the application, that's why.
Yeah, but I'm the one
with the rotten hair.
No, but...
Come on, I want
to send my hair in.
All right, you brat!
You can send your hair in.
The next thing we send
in comes off of my body.
Deal.
Okay.
Okay, here's the envelope.
Just take a little snip here
and snip it right in there.
Okay.
Ow!
What are you doing?!
Use the scissors.
Read right there.
"To insure proper analysis,
make sure hair is
removed with root intact."
Ow! Ow!
What's going on in there, Shirl?
Guess what I'm doing.
Don't help me, let me
figure it out for myself, okay?
You're playing "Seahunt."
Wrong.
Oh.
Ow.
Sorry.
I borrowed this skin diving
outfit from Mrs. Babish.
I'm using it as a sauna
suit for this week's lesson...
"Beauty and the Body."
While you're looking at
me, Laverne, I'm sweating off
tons of ugly fat, from
my head to my toesies.
Well, how come
you get to wear it?
'Cause you got to
send your hair in.
Yeah, but I'm fatter than you.
I could use it
more than you can.
Brat again, brat again!
Okay, all right, I got
just the thing for you.
What? We'll make
your own sauna suit.
Yeah? Out of what?
With this!
Saran wrap?
Same principle.
Oh, you sure? Absolutely.
All you need is something
to get the old body heat up,
then trap the old sweat in.
Well, if you say it'll work.
You ever hear the word "fame"?
You ever hear the word "charm"?
You ever hear the word "wealth"?
You ever hear the
word "silly looking"?
That's two words.
I'm telling you, Laverne,
by this time next week,
I'm going to be ready
for a top modeling job.
I'm going to go into an agency,
and I am going to be
at the top of the heap.
Where will you be?
Oh, I'll be in the heap
somewhere, there.
All right, that's enough,
I'm okay from here on up.
Okay, all right,
let me just finish.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Ow.
Now what am I supposed
to do, exercise now?
No.
That's the glory of it.
You see, you just
walk around normally
while you lose fat.
Good.
Ah, that's Carmine.
Oh, I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
I can get it. No, you can't.
I can so. I can get it.
I'll get it!
I brought Lucille over
and I just thought I'd...
I had something I wanted
to talk to you about,
but I see you're all wrapped up.
Wrapped up!
That's it, that's it.
I am getting out of
this here thing now.
Remember Lucille?
She's in a new business.
Thank goodness.
Hi, Shirley.
Hello, Mrs. Lockwash.
I love the way you dress.
Oh, hi, Lucille.
Oh, hi.
Why are you standing there for?
Why don't you come
in and sit down?
Oh, no, I don't want...
Did Carmine tell you?
Did Carmine tell you?
What? I'm selling
Lovely Lady Lingerie.
What's that?
Well, it's like, uh,
Tupperware, you see.
You have a party, invite
all your friends over,
and they buy whatever she
selling, she gets a commission,
I get whatever I want.
I don't want to hear this.
Well, look, uh, I
got a great idea.
It'll solve everybody's problem.
Why don't you just get on the
phone and call Rosie Greenbaum?
Why would I want to do
something like that for?
Why?
'Cause Rosie
Greenbaum is the only one
that can afford all
this Lovely Lady stuff.
Now, you get a couple
of her friends there,
the classy friends with
money from the country club
to come up here,
and, uh, Lucille here
can, uh, pitch her pajamas.
Get out of here.
No, no, no, wait!
No, you-you girls can
get to model all the stuff.
We get to model?
Yeah, but for Rosie Greenbaum.
We get to model.
Yeah, but for Rosie Greenbaum.
Look, look, look.
We won't be able to pay you
much, but if things work out
the way I figure
they're gonna work out,
we'll give you part of
Lucille's commission.
Isn't he wonderful?
They know that, you
don't got to say that.
Come on, let's go,
let them figure it out.
All right, let me know
what you decide,
one way or the other, all right?
Okay, we'll call you.
Thanks. SHIRLEY: Mm-hmm.
Bye girls. LAVERNE:
Bye, Lucille.
This is it, Laverne.
Major breakthrough.
Our first modeling assignment.
Oh, uh, Lucille, uh, this
is Rosie Greenbaum.
Big Rosie Greenbaum,
this is Lucille.
Hi. How are you doing?
They're all set.
Oh, okay. And
here are your cards.
Well, girls?
Did I tell you we'd
have a good time
on this side of the tracks?
Hmm?
What's it gonna cost us?
Thirty, forty bucks?
After this, we'll go
cruise the docks,
look at a bum or two, then
it's back to the good life.
Move over.
Okay.
Ladies, I'm Carmine,
the Big Ragu,
and I'll be your host for
tonight's fashion show.
Thank you! Thank you.
Okay.
Our first selection will
be titled "Boudoir Baby".
And will be modeled
by the beautiful,
incomparable, Shirley Feeney.
Wah... wah... wah.
This lovely ensemble is a copy
of a copy by Girard de Paree,
and is available to you
at a mere nine dollars
and ninety-five cents.
Wah... wah... wah.
Now, imagine your
husband's delight seeing you
in this dreamy number called...
"Midnight Lace," modeled
by sultry Laverne De Fazio.
Now, that little number
would look a lot better
on someone with,
say, my stature.
Wear that to your
funeral, De Fazio,
maybe someone will show up.
I don't know why De
Fazio needs fancy nighties.
Nobody but Shirley's
ever gonna see them.
Okay, thank you,
all right, next...
Go back there, go back there.
Okay.
Now, imagine the man in
your life will think he's the Sheik
of Arabia when he sees you
in this harem ensemble called...
"A Thousand and One Nights."
Now.
Our next adventure takes
us to the darkest Africa.
This is going to be good.
Laverne is modeling
"Jungle Fury".
The fake leopard look
skin is sweeping the nation.
She looks like she should
be sweeping the floor.
Sorry.
I think I'm gonna take that.
I figure, the outfit
must be nice,
it even looks good on bimbos.
Hey, Tarzan.
Hey, ladies, I
really don't think...
Attack her... Ladies, ladies,
this harmless scuffle
has been staged
to show you the cat-like passion
that "Jungle Fury" will
arouse in your mate.
I don't think we're
ready for this place.
They got carpets here.
Don't be silly.
How much money
did we make last night?
Eighteen bucks. That's right.
And what did Rosie's
friends say about us?
They said we were great models.
That's right.
Nah, they just liked us
because I beat Rosie up.
No.
They liked us because
we were great models.
I'm telling you, Laverne,
this is our big chance.
From now on, it's
60 bucks an hour,
and all the glamour we can eat.
You know what else?
We're not going
back to the brewery.
No? No.
I didn't clean my locker out.
Please, just...
Can I help you?
Follow my lead.
Hello, Miss, uh...
I'm sorry. Kelly.
Ah, charmed.
My friend and I are here
to apply for top modeling jobs.
Well, why don't you
have a seat over there
and we'll be with you shortly.
Thanks.
Where did she learn to walk?
Hi, Tweedy.
Where did she learn to talk?
I had a minute, so
I thought I'd drop in.
Oh, well, hi, Lenore.
You know, I see you
still haven't taken off
those five pounds, have you?
Well, I'm working on it.
Listen, I thought you might
have something for me
on the fall fashion show.
I have a week before
I leave for Rome.
Oh, well, why don't
you have a seat, Lenore.
Hello.
She's awfully pretty, too
bad her hearing's going.
Oh, I don't think
we fit in here.
Relax, will you?
We're shoo-ins.
Mmm.
If you care to do
a lingerie party,
we have an "in" at
Lovely Lady Lingerie.
You mean, you
and she are models?
Yes, we are.
Do you mind if I
see your portfolio?
We lost it.
We lost it... pretty good there.
Oh, I don't know, if
she's gotta lose weight
what am I doing here?
Stop it, will you?
You're a different
type altogether.
She's high fashion,
and you're...
medium fashion.
What did you do that for?
There was no more cups.
All right girls,
we got a rush call
from Leeb's Department Store.
They want some models
for their winter fashion show.
Scarlet, you.
Lenore, you... and you.
And... you, come inside.
Girls, it's a rush show.
He kept saying "you, you,
you" and he never said me.
Well, now, he was
about to get to us,
but he filled his order.
No, I think it was us.
No, it was not us,
he just didn't need
any more girls, that's all.
I need one more girl.
Miss Kelly? Yes?
I'm in a bind, are you
free this afternoon?
Sure! Oh, fine.
Just we'll put up your hair,
you'll do just great. Oh,
wonderful, thank you.
You look fine.
We do underwear.
I knew it.
I knew it.
We were gonna be models, hah.
I'm gonna go write
Mr. Billy a letter right now
and tell him what he can
do with his stupid book.
What are you doing?
I rang for the elevator.
I feel so foolish, Laverne.
I thought I could be a model.
I really did.
Me with my stubby little body.
Oh, no, you don't have
no stubby little body.
I was hoping you'd say that.
You know, I think
you look great.
I mean, really great.
Thank you, but
if I look so great,
what am I doing out here
while they're in there, huh?
I mean, that man chose
the receptionist over us.
I wanted fame and fortune,
I wanted to make 60 bucks
an hour, and what did I get?
Nothing.
That's what we got, nothing.
So what?
You've been going pretty
strong on nothing for years.
Come on.
Weren't you voted the cutest
bottle capper last year, huh?
Don't all the truck drivers want
you to ride in their cab, huh?
Didn't, uh,
Al and Sam have a
forklift fight over you?
Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.
Well you don't destroy
$20,000 worth of equipment
over a stubby little body.
Come on,
let's see the girl that
the men fight over, huh?
Come on.
There she is.
Come on, let's get out of here,
let's start walking
like ladies again.
Dear Diary,
our new copy of True
Confessions came today.
Before I could even see it,
Laverne ripped out the
back cover and threw it away.
I'll bet it was an ad for
something wonderful, too,
something really great.
Laverne claims it's just
an ad for sea monkeys.
You know, Diary,
even though that modeling
thing didn't work out so well
I can't help but feel
that Laverne and I
got something out of it.
Come on, will you?
I want to turn out the light.
Good night. Good night.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
All right, all right,
move it, will you?!
Gangway, gangway!
We got an important
publicity stunt here.
A big bowling magazine is
gonna take some pictures,
and Mr. De Fazio is in for
some free publicity for this joint,
so just cool it, will you?
Hey. I'm sorry I'm
late; I got hit by a car.
Let's go bowl.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's go bowl.
Do you know who's
here today? No.
Who's here today is
Miss Headpin of this year.
She's the bowling queen.
Who wants to look
at a bowling queen?
Probably got three
holes in her face.
Oh, come back here, would you?
Well, uh... you,
uh, sit here often?
Our first quarrel.
Hey, I'll get it, I'll get it.
Um, oh, hi, do you know
anything about zippers?
We have a slight problem here.
Hello. Hello.
Nothing.
Oh, there are the boys.
Squiggy... Hey, you guys
know anything about zippers?
Shirley...
Hey, girl, do you know
anything about zippers here?
Smile.
Will you get out of here!
What is going on here?
What's that girl sitting
on the counter for?
That girl, as you put it,
happens to be this year's
Miss Headpin, and she's a
gorgeous hunk of woman-ility.
I'd like to reset her pins.
Oh.
Can anyone help us?
Anybody?
Uh, could somebody
please help me down?
Oh, yeah! Sure!
Get out of here!
I need some more outside
shots, Monika. I can't!
I'm running into overtime.
The next hour's gonna
cost you 60 bucks.
60 bucks an hour.
60 bucks an hour!
You've been saying
that all the way home.
60 big ones... that's what
that Miss Pinball model makes.
60 bucks an hour.
That's more than we make
capping bottles in a week.
All right, then do
something about it.
What?
This month's Secret
True Confessions.
What? We're gonna
write vo-de-oh-do stories?
No, the back.
"The Famous Academy of
American Modeling By Mail."
Modeling by mail?
15 bucks.
15 bucks? What are you, crazy?
Look, do you want
style and elegance?
Eh.
Do you want a
better way of life?
Eh.
Do you want guys to ogle you?
Yeah, yeah, I want that.
All right, then go in
halvsies with me on this.
Halvsies... What's that, $7.50?
That's right, seven
and a half bucks apiece.
And all we do is sit back
and wait for the mailman
to bring us our new lives.
Our lives are in the
hands of a mailman?
Do you really think
this modeling course
is gonna make you sexy?
I hope it does you as much good
as my bodybuilding course
did for Mr. Charles Atlas.
Why don't you show them, Squig?
Sure. Watch this.
It's like nothing
to him, you know.
Uh, yeah, that's
real good, thanks.
Uh, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.
You know the old expression,
"You scratch mine,
I'll scratch yours"?
You know what I mean, hmm?
Okay, what is it?
Can we borrow your sheets?
God, no!
Why do you want to
borrow our sheets?
Well, we are expecting
two gorgeous
chick-a-roonies upstairs,
for dinner and crackers.
And we would like to,
uh, how shall I say it?
Get to first base with them.
You know, I think a clean
pair of sheets is all we need
to get us over
the old goal line.
Uh, what's the matter
with your own sheets?
They're hard.
Get out.
Mr. Fong put starch... Get out!
- He thought it was the...
- Get out! Out!
He thought it was a shirt.
It was a sheet,
not a shirt. O-U-T.
All right, just think about it.
Just think...
All right, clear your mind.
Here it is, Laverne,
instant glamour!
I can hardly wait to
see what they sent us.
Oh, look, a wig.
No, it's not.
You know what's in here?
Jars and tubes and
bottles and books!
And it's mine, all
mine, mine, mine.
Wait a second, it's ours.
$7.50 here.
Seven-five-oh.
Okay, all right. All right.
See, I told you
this wasn't a racket.
All this stuff has been
scientifically tested.
Yeah, on who?
I don't know, prisoners.
Look, look!
A book!
Top Models Reveal
Their Intimate Secrets.
Great. Where are the hot parts?
It's nothing to do with that,
it's their beauty secrets.
Oh. Look.
Makeup tips, posture,
runway techniques, voice.
We are gonna read
every word of this.
"Dear Future Model..."
We're gonna read it now?
No, we're just gonna
read the introduction now.
"Welcome to The Famous Academy
of American Modeling by Mail.
"After following our plan,
any modeling agency will
greet you with open arms."
That's it! We have got it made!
Got it made, I can't
even open this jar.
"Note that we have divided
the body into eight equal parts."
Wait, mine aren't equal.
They're not...
"Be sure to return
the questionnaire to us
"along with a lock of your hair
for examination by
our expert, Mr. Billy."
Mr. Billy.
Yeah, we have to send
him some of our hair.
Well, okay, get a
scissors. Oh, all right.
Oh, here's an envelope
that says "For hair sample."
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Whose hair do we send?
We're only registered
as one model.
Well, we'll send him a
little bit of each of ours.
No, no, you can't mix up hair.
Mr. Billy is a scientist,
he has a logical mind.
Would you stop with that?
No scientist is named Mr. Billy.
That's a name for a
pony or something.
Well, how are we going to
determine whose hair to send?
I think we should
send mine. Mine.
No, we should
send my hair! Mine!
Why yours?
I was the one who filled out
the application, that's why.
Yeah, but I'm the one
with the rotten hair.
No, but...
Come on, I want
to send my hair in.
All right, you brat!
You can send your hair in.
The next thing we send
in comes off of my body.
Deal.
Okay.
Okay, here's the envelope.
Just take a little snip here
and snip it right in there.
Okay.
Ow!
What are you doing?!
Use the scissors.
Read right there.
"To insure proper analysis,
make sure hair is
removed with root intact."
Ow! Ow!
What's going on in there, Shirl?
Guess what I'm doing.
Don't help me, let me
figure it out for myself, okay?
You're playing "Seahunt."
Wrong.
Oh.
Ow.
Sorry.
I borrowed this skin diving
outfit from Mrs. Babish.
I'm using it as a sauna
suit for this week's lesson...
"Beauty and the Body."
While you're looking at
me, Laverne, I'm sweating off
tons of ugly fat, from
my head to my toesies.
Well, how come
you get to wear it?
'Cause you got to
send your hair in.
Yeah, but I'm fatter than you.
I could use it
more than you can.
Brat again, brat again!
Okay, all right, I got
just the thing for you.
What? We'll make
your own sauna suit.
Yeah? Out of what?
With this!
Saran wrap?
Same principle.
Oh, you sure? Absolutely.
All you need is something
to get the old body heat up,
then trap the old sweat in.
Well, if you say it'll work.
You ever hear the word "fame"?
You ever hear the word "charm"?
You ever hear the word "wealth"?
You ever hear the
word "silly looking"?
That's two words.
I'm telling you, Laverne,
by this time next week,
I'm going to be ready
for a top modeling job.
I'm going to go into an agency,
and I am going to be
at the top of the heap.
Where will you be?
Oh, I'll be in the heap
somewhere, there.
All right, that's enough,
I'm okay from here on up.
Okay, all right,
let me just finish.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Ow.
Now what am I supposed
to do, exercise now?
No.
That's the glory of it.
You see, you just
walk around normally
while you lose fat.
Good.
Ah, that's Carmine.
Oh, I'll get it.
No, I'll get it.
I can get it. No, you can't.
I can so. I can get it.
I'll get it!
I brought Lucille over
and I just thought I'd...
I had something I wanted
to talk to you about,
but I see you're all wrapped up.
Wrapped up!
That's it, that's it.
I am getting out of
this here thing now.
Remember Lucille?
She's in a new business.
Thank goodness.
Hi, Shirley.
Hello, Mrs. Lockwash.
I love the way you dress.
Oh, hi, Lucille.
Oh, hi.
Why are you standing there for?
Why don't you come
in and sit down?
Oh, no, I don't want...
Did Carmine tell you?
Did Carmine tell you?
What? I'm selling
Lovely Lady Lingerie.
What's that?
Well, it's like, uh,
Tupperware, you see.
You have a party, invite
all your friends over,
and they buy whatever she
selling, she gets a commission,
I get whatever I want.
I don't want to hear this.
Well, look, uh, I
got a great idea.
It'll solve everybody's problem.
Why don't you just get on the
phone and call Rosie Greenbaum?
Why would I want to do
something like that for?
Why?
'Cause Rosie
Greenbaum is the only one
that can afford all
this Lovely Lady stuff.
Now, you get a couple
of her friends there,
the classy friends with
money from the country club
to come up here,
and, uh, Lucille here
can, uh, pitch her pajamas.
Get out of here.
No, no, no, wait!
No, you-you girls can
get to model all the stuff.
We get to model?
Yeah, but for Rosie Greenbaum.
We get to model.
Yeah, but for Rosie Greenbaum.
Look, look, look.
We won't be able to pay you
much, but if things work out
the way I figure
they're gonna work out,
we'll give you part of
Lucille's commission.
Isn't he wonderful?
They know that, you
don't got to say that.
Come on, let's go,
let them figure it out.
All right, let me know
what you decide,
one way or the other, all right?
Okay, we'll call you.
Thanks. SHIRLEY: Mm-hmm.
Bye girls. LAVERNE:
Bye, Lucille.
This is it, Laverne.
Major breakthrough.
Our first modeling assignment.
Oh, uh, Lucille, uh, this
is Rosie Greenbaum.
Big Rosie Greenbaum,
this is Lucille.
Hi. How are you doing?
They're all set.
Oh, okay. And
here are your cards.
Well, girls?
Did I tell you we'd
have a good time
on this side of the tracks?
Hmm?
What's it gonna cost us?
Thirty, forty bucks?
After this, we'll go
cruise the docks,
look at a bum or two, then
it's back to the good life.
Move over.
Okay.
Ladies, I'm Carmine,
the Big Ragu,
and I'll be your host for
tonight's fashion show.
Thank you! Thank you.
Okay.
Our first selection will
be titled "Boudoir Baby".
And will be modeled
by the beautiful,
incomparable, Shirley Feeney.
Wah... wah... wah.
This lovely ensemble is a copy
of a copy by Girard de Paree,
and is available to you
at a mere nine dollars
and ninety-five cents.
Wah... wah... wah.
Now, imagine your
husband's delight seeing you
in this dreamy number called...
"Midnight Lace," modeled
by sultry Laverne De Fazio.
Now, that little number
would look a lot better
on someone with,
say, my stature.
Wear that to your
funeral, De Fazio,
maybe someone will show up.
I don't know why De
Fazio needs fancy nighties.
Nobody but Shirley's
ever gonna see them.
Okay, thank you,
all right, next...
Go back there, go back there.
Okay.
Now, imagine the man in
your life will think he's the Sheik
of Arabia when he sees you
in this harem ensemble called...
"A Thousand and One Nights."
Now.
Our next adventure takes
us to the darkest Africa.
This is going to be good.
Laverne is modeling
"Jungle Fury".
The fake leopard look
skin is sweeping the nation.
She looks like she should
be sweeping the floor.
Sorry.
I think I'm gonna take that.
I figure, the outfit
must be nice,
it even looks good on bimbos.
Hey, Tarzan.
Hey, ladies, I
really don't think...
Attack her... Ladies, ladies,
this harmless scuffle
has been staged
to show you the cat-like passion
that "Jungle Fury" will
arouse in your mate.
I don't think we're
ready for this place.
They got carpets here.
Don't be silly.
How much money
did we make last night?
Eighteen bucks. That's right.
And what did Rosie's
friends say about us?
They said we were great models.
That's right.
Nah, they just liked us
because I beat Rosie up.
No.
They liked us because
we were great models.
I'm telling you, Laverne,
this is our big chance.
From now on, it's
60 bucks an hour,
and all the glamour we can eat.
You know what else?
We're not going
back to the brewery.
No? No.
I didn't clean my locker out.
Please, just...
Can I help you?
Follow my lead.
Hello, Miss, uh...
I'm sorry. Kelly.
Ah, charmed.
My friend and I are here
to apply for top modeling jobs.
Well, why don't you
have a seat over there
and we'll be with you shortly.
Thanks.
Where did she learn to walk?
Hi, Tweedy.
Where did she learn to talk?
I had a minute, so
I thought I'd drop in.
Oh, well, hi, Lenore.
You know, I see you
still haven't taken off
those five pounds, have you?
Well, I'm working on it.
Listen, I thought you might
have something for me
on the fall fashion show.
I have a week before
I leave for Rome.
Oh, well, why don't
you have a seat, Lenore.
Hello.
She's awfully pretty, too
bad her hearing's going.
Oh, I don't think
we fit in here.
Relax, will you?
We're shoo-ins.
Mmm.
If you care to do
a lingerie party,
we have an "in" at
Lovely Lady Lingerie.
You mean, you
and she are models?
Yes, we are.
Do you mind if I
see your portfolio?
We lost it.
We lost it... pretty good there.
Oh, I don't know, if
she's gotta lose weight
what am I doing here?
Stop it, will you?
You're a different
type altogether.
She's high fashion,
and you're...
medium fashion.
What did you do that for?
There was no more cups.
All right girls,
we got a rush call
from Leeb's Department Store.
They want some models
for their winter fashion show.
Scarlet, you.
Lenore, you... and you.
And... you, come inside.
Girls, it's a rush show.
He kept saying "you, you,
you" and he never said me.
Well, now, he was
about to get to us,
but he filled his order.
No, I think it was us.
No, it was not us,
he just didn't need
any more girls, that's all.
I need one more girl.
Miss Kelly? Yes?
I'm in a bind, are you
free this afternoon?
Sure! Oh, fine.
Just we'll put up your hair,
you'll do just great. Oh,
wonderful, thank you.
You look fine.
We do underwear.
I knew it.
I knew it.
We were gonna be models, hah.
I'm gonna go write
Mr. Billy a letter right now
and tell him what he can
do with his stupid book.
What are you doing?
I rang for the elevator.
I feel so foolish, Laverne.
I thought I could be a model.
I really did.
Me with my stubby little body.
Oh, no, you don't have
no stubby little body.
I was hoping you'd say that.
You know, I think
you look great.
I mean, really great.
Thank you, but
if I look so great,
what am I doing out here
while they're in there, huh?
I mean, that man chose
the receptionist over us.
I wanted fame and fortune,
I wanted to make 60 bucks
an hour, and what did I get?
Nothing.
That's what we got, nothing.
So what?
You've been going pretty
strong on nothing for years.
Come on.
Weren't you voted the cutest
bottle capper last year, huh?
Don't all the truck drivers want
you to ride in their cab, huh?
Didn't, uh,
Al and Sam have a
forklift fight over you?
Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom.
Well you don't destroy
$20,000 worth of equipment
over a stubby little body.
Come on,
let's see the girl that
the men fight over, huh?
Come on.
There she is.
Come on, let's get out of here,
let's start walking
like ladies again.
Dear Diary,
our new copy of True
Confessions came today.
Before I could even see it,
Laverne ripped out the
back cover and threw it away.
I'll bet it was an ad for
something wonderful, too,
something really great.
Laverne claims it's just
an ad for sea monkeys.
You know, Diary,
even though that modeling
thing didn't work out so well
I can't help but feel
that Laverne and I
got something out of it.
Come on, will you?
I want to turn out the light.
Good night. Good night.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪