Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 8 - Good Time Girls - full transcript
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
What "Mmm, mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm, mmm"? Mmm, mmm.
This stuff is great.
Try it. Let me see this.
Let me see it.
"Lady Luscious Green
Mint Muscle Toner."
A dollar tube? What
are you? Crazy?
You sayin' my face
ain't worth a buck?
Not if you make it green there.
Lady Luscious green.
Look, I just rinse
my hair in beer,
14 cents a can,
and that's all I need.
What's the matter with you?
You want to walk
around the rest of your life
looking like yourself?
You want to walk around
the rest of your life?
Look, Laverne,
aren't you tired of
being asked out by jerks
like, uh... Hickey
Hector Kestenbaum?
Yeah, he's a jerk.
Wouldn't you like to
be asked out by guys
who do something
besides play with their food?
I mean, classy guys, you know,
aren't exactly beating
a path to our doorstep.
And that's why I bought
us this month's copy
of Ingénues on Parade.
Oh, look, they got
Margaret Truman on the cover.
Yeah, there's an article
in here that tells you
how to land a respectable man.
Where's it say that?
Well, it's right in there
after "Debutantes of
the Depression Era."
Oh.
There it is. Is anybody home?
Have no fear 'cause
Hector is here.
I'll be right down.
Hickey Hector.
He's gonna ask us out again.
Why does he always do that?
I don't know. He
thinks we're beautiful.
You know, Terry Buttafuoco
told me that he
steals loose M&Ms
from the supermarket
and hides 'em in his socks.
Ew.
Well, we better get it
over with. Come on.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna wipe
this stuff off my face.
For who? Right.
Maybe we'll scare him off.
Who is it?
Who do you think it is?
Hi, cutie pie.
You're looking good.
Hey, Laverne, how's
the old chassis?
Uh, you do that again,
and you're gonna be
known as "Lefty" there.
- Anybody care for an M&M?
- No.
All right then, let's
get right down to it.
Let's see, uh...
Last week, I asked you
out first, right, Laverne?
How 'bout it, Shirl?
You free for Saturday night?
I'm sorry, Hector, I
can't go out with you.
I, uh...
coughed on my dress.
I got a dentist appointment.
On Saturday night?
I got this strange
condition: my wisdom teeth
keeps growing back
in. Show him. Oh, yeah?
Point 'em out here.
Oh, absolutely.
She's gonna be... Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.
You know, every Monday I
ask you girls out for Saturday,
and every Monday
you tell me you're busy.
You know I'm gonna ask.
So why don't you
keep Saturday open?
Well, there's a good reason for
that... Well, it's a strange thing...
Oh, hey, no. Hey, no, hey, no.
Hey, no, hey, no, hey. No.
I'm beginning to
get the picture here.
You girls don't plan ahead.
You're thoughtless.
You're rude. Yeah, we are.
That's right. We're ill-mannered.
Well, I can be rude, too.
Next Monday, I'm
not asking you out...
till Tuesday.
He gives stupid a bad name.
Yeah, we gotta do
something about him.
You know, last week I told him
I couldn't go out
with him 'cause I lost
all my shoes and he believed it.
Yeah, I told him I
had to go to a funeral.
He followed me.
I wound up crying at some
strange person's grave.
You know, I've
had it up to here.
I don't want to make
up any more excuses.
You gonna go out with him?
No.
I'm gonna tell him the truth.
We don't want to go
out with him because
we hate his guts.
Why don't you just
hit him in the face
with a bag of marbles?
Okay.
No.
You can't tell the
truth if it's gonna hurt
the feelings of
another human being.
We're talking about Hector here.
Look, you gotta make up excuses.
That's the way it's
worked for centuries.
Passed down from
generation to generation.
Yeah, I guess.
Boy, men got it so easy.
If they don't like a girl,
they just don't call
and ask her out.
Yeah, you know what else? What?
You're wiping toothpaste
all over your face.
Hey! What do I need
Laverne and Shirley for?
I got a wall full of girls.
It's like a candy store.
Aw, wow.
"Marjorie Flamm.
Hickies a specialty."
"Depressed? Call Yetta."
Boy, these are real fun girls.
Not like those...
them... in-a... hey.
Oh, I know how
to fix their wagons.
Uh, I need a
fresh piece of wall.
"Looking for fun?
"Call KL5-9988.
Ask for Laverne and Shirley."
Never straightens anything.
Why aren't you ready yet?
Because I can't
find my pink blouse.
Didn't you put it in
the Goodwill bag?
No, I just can't find it
anyplace around here.
Well, it'll turn
up. It'll turn up.
Why don't you wear
your lavender sweater?
You think that'll go okay?
It'd look great with that.
Oh, this one here?
Yeah, that'd look fine.
They're here.
Uh, who is it?
It's me, your Big Ragoo.
Oh, it's Carmine.
Get dressed in there.
What do you say
there? Hi, Carmine.
Just a minute, Lucille.
Geez, I leave her for one
minute, she goes crazy.
Play with the radio.
Are you still dating
that, that Mrs. Lockwash?
Sure, why not? She's divorced.
Besides, she's gonna
take me to Europe.
Look, uh... you and Laverne
want to go to the movies
with Lucille and I tonight?
We can't. We got dates.
How'd you do that?
I didn't do that.
Laverne's in the closet.
She's getting dressed.
We're going out
with a couple of
real classy guys.
Kevin and Scott from the
accounting department.
Give it rest, Lucille.
And if you beep that
horn one more time,
I'm not going to
Europe with you.
The woman's crazy about
me. Loves the way I sing.
Hmm. She does.
Well, I gotta go. Nice
seeing you, Laverne.
See you later, Angel Face.
♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches... ♪
Well, how do I look?
You got your "L" on your back.
It's on my back?
Yeah, it's on your back. Look.
Oh, geez. Hello?
Yes, Laverne and
Shirley live here.
Was that another strange call?
What did this one want?
Something totally
out of the question.
You know, that's the
third sick call we got today.
I think our wires must
be getting crossed
with Sylvia's Escort Service.
Yeah. Can you help me
button this up the
back here? Wait.
Let me turn my sleeve
around here first.
Hey!
Turn around!
Oh, uh, hi, Pop. What
do you want to do?
Give the neighborhood
a free show?
Uh, I'm sorry. I forgot
the window was open.
Naked in the window.
Who are you? Get out of here!
Get dressed.
Wait, hold on. Hold on.
I gotta fix my straps.
My flags are flying here.
Well, fix 'em fast.
They're gonna be
here any minute.
I hope your date drives.
Yeah, well, listen.
These are classy gentlemen.
Don't do anything to
embarrass me in the back seat.
Well, you wouldn't get
embarrassed if you didn't
stare through the rearview
mirror the whole time.
I hear noises, I get curious.
It's them. I think so.
Who is it?
It's us.
If mine drives, I'm
gonna stare at you
the whole time.
Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello.
How are you girls this evening?
Oh, just fine, thank you,
and how are you gentlemen?
Oh, just great.
Just great.
Well, we were certainly
surprised to hear from you.
Well, Kevin and I
were shooting pool
and we had to go, uh,
wash our hands and, uh...
we thought of you.
How sweet.
Ready for some
fun, Laverne, huh?
Fun's the word.
Well, now, where should we go?
Did you want to...?
Perhaps you'd
like a drink first?
Oh, yeah. We got some
beer in the bathroom. No.
Oh, no, we drank it all up.
Would you care for some milk?
We have flavor straws.
Uh, we like to keep that on.
You see, it keeps
the burglars out.
We'll protect you,
Laverne. Don't worry.
Hey, here!
Hold 'em. Hold 'em, Laverne.
I'll get help.
Hold 'em down.
Help!
Um, thanks for helping us, Pop.
We're okay now. Why
don't you go home?
Eh.
Should've killed them two bums.
Thought they were
gonna be gentlemen.
How could this have happened?
How?!
You don't know how?!
Naked in the window, that's how!
People are looking
at you walk by the...!
See it. They saw.
"Ha! Look at that!"
What a shock.
I didn't even know
accountants got excited.
The only reason
they went out with us
is because they thought
we were loosey-gooseys.
Now, why would they think that
we vo-de-oh-do on a first date?
The first date?
The first minute.
Maybe they smelled
that beer in my hair.
Hello.
Oh, it's you,
you-you masher, you!
I... Hi, there, hot stuff.
No, that was my mother.
Um... Yeah, that
sounds like tons of fun.
That, too.
And that... And that.
And that.
Yeah, yeah, that all sounds
like a barrel of laughs there,
but, uh, uh, before
we, uh, you know, uh,
we got to find out what
you heard about us.
Huh?
Oh, I see.
Uh, well, thank you very
much for that information,
you nerd-face!
And by the way, creep-head,
all you said makes
me sick, sick, sick!
Except possibly
that third thing there.
Brace yourself.
Our names and phone number
are on the men's room wall.
A men's room wall?!
At Vinny's Pool Hall.
Vinny's Pool Hall?!
It says, "If, uh,
you're looking for fun,
call Laverne and Shirley."
Oh, that's awful!
That's sick, sick!
I know. That's why
Kevin and Scott
thought we were
loosey-gooseys there.
Oh, that's terrible!
Ooh, I'll give them
loosey-gooseys.
Who you calling?
Lenny and Squiggy.
I'll give them 50 cents.
I'll go down there and
take our names off that wall.
They got dates.
I saw Lenny buying Sen-Sen.
Who? Carmine.
Forget it.
Carmine's got a
date with Lucille.
At this moment, he's
probably being attacked.
Who you calling?
Ha-ha, your father!
He'll go down there...
What, are you crazy?!
He'll set the whole
pool hall on fire!
What are we gonna do?!
Our name's on a men's room wall!
I don't know, I don't know!
But nobody makes
a joke out of me!
By the end of tonight,
our names are gonna
be off that wall there!
You said it!
Right!
What do you say, Vito?
Uh, want to shoot a few?
No, no, not tonight.
Uh, I have to go to
the little boys' room.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
Uh, that beer ran
right through me.
Uh, there she blows.
Excuse me.
Free in there?
Sounds free.
Shh! Shh!
Oh!
You won, you won, you won.
Go ahead. It's empty.
Uh, no, we just came to wash up.
Hey, you guys, uh, check out
the blonde at the candy machine?
No, hot number.
I took her out last night.
We got you.
Say no more.
I took her out by the viaduct.
Way to go.
Say no more, say no more.
You know what she did?
Uh, say no more, for cry...!
Uh, you better go out there.
I saw her talking
to a sailor there.
Yeah? A swabbie.
Thanks. You're all right.
Let's just find our names
and get out of here.
"If you got boots,
you got Bessy."
"There was a young
hermit named Dave, who..."
Ah, look, they
smeared the rest of that.
Here we are!
In big, bold
letters, right here.
Okay, here's the
soap and the rag.
Now, get it off. I'll watch.
Look at this, will you?
They spelled
"Shirley" with a "U."
Who cares? Just wipe it off!
I got Laverne...
It's a good thing for you I'm
wearing my dress-up jacket!
Oh, jeez!
Am I tired of getting
pushed around in this place!
You, too, huh? Especially
in front of our dates!
Yeah, that's
ridiculous. Me, too.
But I'll tell you something:
that's the last time.
Starting now, I'm
throwing my weight around.
Out of my way.
Move over, bub. I
want to comb my hair.
Get lost.
It's a lucky thing for you I'm
wearing my dress-up jacket.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, don't we know you
two guys from someplace?
I don't think so. Now, beat it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I seen your
face on somebody else's body.
I know who it is.
Hey, it's Nick and Phil
from the bowling alley, right?
What are you talking about?
That's Barney and
Jack from the brewery.
Uh, Barney's got no
teeth and Jack is a Negro.
I'm not talking about black
Jack. I mean white Jack.
White Jack don't
work at the brewery.
Fellas. Fellas! He did
work in the brewery.
Shut up!
It's us!
I told you it was
Nick and Phil. Ah.
Fellas.
It's Nick and Laverne.
Ah.
Fellas, it's me. It's Shirley!
Shirley and Laverne!
Shirley and Laverne!
Sure. Ooh, wow!
Oh!
What are you doing here?!
Are you crazy?!
This is, this is
a place for men.
It's like a club.
Is no place sacred?
Shut up! We just came in here
to get our names
off the wall. That's all.
Yeah, don't you tell anybody
that you saw us in here.
That's right.
I guess Hector really
fixed your wagon, huh?
Hector did this?
Yeah, yeah.
I can tell that pinhead's
scrawl a mile away.
Hickey Hector Kestenbaum?
No, General Hector Kestenbaum.
Yeah, of course!
Look, well, uh, you
two stand guard outside
while we wipe the
rest of this off the wall.
No.
Get out! Ah!
All right, all
right, we're going.
Where'd you get those
stupid-looking clothes?
From the bottom of your closet.
Just get out.
How you doing?
Ah, I think... There!
That puts an end
to heavy breathers.
Come on. Let's go.
Okay. Uh, what are we
gonna do about Hector, though?
What we should've
done all along.
Hit him with a bag of marbles?
No.
We're gonna do
what we should do.
We're gonna tell him the truth:
that we don't want
to go out with him.
What if he doesn't get it?
Then you'll beat his brains out.
Hiya, tootsie. How's...?
Get in there!
And, uh, to what do I
owe the pleasure...?
Sit!
Yeah, I'll just make
myself comf... Quiet!
What gives?
Look, Hector,
we know what you did to
us down at the pool hall,
and Laverne here's got a good
mind to wring your scrawny neck.
Oh, wow.
Well, you know, you girls
were pretty unfair to me.
I mean, always being
busy on Saturday.
Okay, Hector, listen
up and listen up good.
I never coughed on my dress.
No? No.
And Laverne's wisdom
teeth don't grow back.
You see, we just
made up those things
because we never
wanted to go out with you.
And we still don't want
to go out with you, ever.
How about Friday?
I mean, he just doesn't listen!
You don't understand! He
just doesn't... Wait a minute.
I knew you girls didn't
love me or nothing.
But I didn't know
you hated my guts.
Forget it.
I'll just fall off and
die somewhere.
Sit.
He... He...
He... He... Hector...
we don't hate you.
You won't go out with me.
There's a real
good reason for that.
Yeah, a real good reason.
Yeah?
Well, you see, Hector,
we think of you as a friend.
And-and you know what happens
when you start dating a friend.
No.
Shirl, what happens when
you start dating a friend?
When you start dating a friend,
you can't be friends any longer.
And, uh, Laverne and
I were talking it over,
and we decided that we didn't
want to do anything that might
interfere with our friendship
that we have with you.
Right, Laverne?
Oh, well put there.
We're friends, huh?
Gosh, I never had
a girl friend before.
Well, I had a girlfriend,
but not a girl friend.
I had a girl turtle once.
Oh, girl turtle.
That's sweet.
Gee, this is fun.
Oh. Hey, I got a lot
of wiping off to do.
I put your names in
a lot of men's rooms.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Not to worry.
I would never do
anything to hurt you.
My friends.
We said we were gonna
be totally honest with him,
and we wound up
lying to him again.
How can you be
totally honest with a guy
who's gonna crawl away and die?
Yeah.
So, we're his friends.
You, me and a turtle.
Well, we did the
best we could, huh?
Girls have always had to
tell little white lies to guys.
Yeah, and we're getting
pretty good at it, you know?
Listen, you!
We've just about had
it with you, you masher!
The next time you call here,
Laverne and I are
gonna sic the cops on you!
Boy, is your father mad.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪
♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪
We're gonna do it! ♪
♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪
♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ Nothin's gonna
turn us back now ♪
♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪
♪ Doin' it our way ♪
♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪
♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪
♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪
Laverne & Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.
Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.
What "Mmm, mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm, mmm"? Mmm, mmm.
This stuff is great.
Try it. Let me see this.
Let me see it.
"Lady Luscious Green
Mint Muscle Toner."
A dollar tube? What
are you? Crazy?
You sayin' my face
ain't worth a buck?
Not if you make it green there.
Lady Luscious green.
Look, I just rinse
my hair in beer,
14 cents a can,
and that's all I need.
What's the matter with you?
You want to walk
around the rest of your life
looking like yourself?
You want to walk around
the rest of your life?
Look, Laverne,
aren't you tired of
being asked out by jerks
like, uh... Hickey
Hector Kestenbaum?
Yeah, he's a jerk.
Wouldn't you like to
be asked out by guys
who do something
besides play with their food?
I mean, classy guys, you know,
aren't exactly beating
a path to our doorstep.
And that's why I bought
us this month's copy
of Ingénues on Parade.
Oh, look, they got
Margaret Truman on the cover.
Yeah, there's an article
in here that tells you
how to land a respectable man.
Where's it say that?
Well, it's right in there
after "Debutantes of
the Depression Era."
Oh.
There it is. Is anybody home?
Have no fear 'cause
Hector is here.
I'll be right down.
Hickey Hector.
He's gonna ask us out again.
Why does he always do that?
I don't know. He
thinks we're beautiful.
You know, Terry Buttafuoco
told me that he
steals loose M&Ms
from the supermarket
and hides 'em in his socks.
Ew.
Well, we better get it
over with. Come on.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna wipe
this stuff off my face.
For who? Right.
Maybe we'll scare him off.
Who is it?
Who do you think it is?
Hi, cutie pie.
You're looking good.
Hey, Laverne, how's
the old chassis?
Uh, you do that again,
and you're gonna be
known as "Lefty" there.
- Anybody care for an M&M?
- No.
All right then, let's
get right down to it.
Let's see, uh...
Last week, I asked you
out first, right, Laverne?
How 'bout it, Shirl?
You free for Saturday night?
I'm sorry, Hector, I
can't go out with you.
I, uh...
coughed on my dress.
I got a dentist appointment.
On Saturday night?
I got this strange
condition: my wisdom teeth
keeps growing back
in. Show him. Oh, yeah?
Point 'em out here.
Oh, absolutely.
She's gonna be... Wait
a minute. Wait a minute.
You know, every Monday I
ask you girls out for Saturday,
and every Monday
you tell me you're busy.
You know I'm gonna ask.
So why don't you
keep Saturday open?
Well, there's a good reason for
that... Well, it's a strange thing...
Oh, hey, no. Hey, no, hey, no.
Hey, no, hey, no, hey. No.
I'm beginning to
get the picture here.
You girls don't plan ahead.
You're thoughtless.
You're rude. Yeah, we are.
That's right. We're ill-mannered.
Well, I can be rude, too.
Next Monday, I'm
not asking you out...
till Tuesday.
He gives stupid a bad name.
Yeah, we gotta do
something about him.
You know, last week I told him
I couldn't go out
with him 'cause I lost
all my shoes and he believed it.
Yeah, I told him I
had to go to a funeral.
He followed me.
I wound up crying at some
strange person's grave.
You know, I've
had it up to here.
I don't want to make
up any more excuses.
You gonna go out with him?
No.
I'm gonna tell him the truth.
We don't want to go
out with him because
we hate his guts.
Why don't you just
hit him in the face
with a bag of marbles?
Okay.
No.
You can't tell the
truth if it's gonna hurt
the feelings of
another human being.
We're talking about Hector here.
Look, you gotta make up excuses.
That's the way it's
worked for centuries.
Passed down from
generation to generation.
Yeah, I guess.
Boy, men got it so easy.
If they don't like a girl,
they just don't call
and ask her out.
Yeah, you know what else? What?
You're wiping toothpaste
all over your face.
Hey! What do I need
Laverne and Shirley for?
I got a wall full of girls.
It's like a candy store.
Aw, wow.
"Marjorie Flamm.
Hickies a specialty."
"Depressed? Call Yetta."
Boy, these are real fun girls.
Not like those...
them... in-a... hey.
Oh, I know how
to fix their wagons.
Uh, I need a
fresh piece of wall.
"Looking for fun?
"Call KL5-9988.
Ask for Laverne and Shirley."
Never straightens anything.
Why aren't you ready yet?
Because I can't
find my pink blouse.
Didn't you put it in
the Goodwill bag?
No, I just can't find it
anyplace around here.
Well, it'll turn
up. It'll turn up.
Why don't you wear
your lavender sweater?
You think that'll go okay?
It'd look great with that.
Oh, this one here?
Yeah, that'd look fine.
They're here.
Uh, who is it?
It's me, your Big Ragoo.
Oh, it's Carmine.
Get dressed in there.
What do you say
there? Hi, Carmine.
Just a minute, Lucille.
Geez, I leave her for one
minute, she goes crazy.
Play with the radio.
Are you still dating
that, that Mrs. Lockwash?
Sure, why not? She's divorced.
Besides, she's gonna
take me to Europe.
Look, uh... you and Laverne
want to go to the movies
with Lucille and I tonight?
We can't. We got dates.
How'd you do that?
I didn't do that.
Laverne's in the closet.
She's getting dressed.
We're going out
with a couple of
real classy guys.
Kevin and Scott from the
accounting department.
Give it rest, Lucille.
And if you beep that
horn one more time,
I'm not going to
Europe with you.
The woman's crazy about
me. Loves the way I sing.
Hmm. She does.
Well, I gotta go. Nice
seeing you, Laverne.
See you later, Angel Face.
♪ You know I'd go
from rags to riches... ♪
Well, how do I look?
You got your "L" on your back.
It's on my back?
Yeah, it's on your back. Look.
Oh, geez. Hello?
Yes, Laverne and
Shirley live here.
Was that another strange call?
What did this one want?
Something totally
out of the question.
You know, that's the
third sick call we got today.
I think our wires must
be getting crossed
with Sylvia's Escort Service.
Yeah. Can you help me
button this up the
back here? Wait.
Let me turn my sleeve
around here first.
Hey!
Turn around!
Oh, uh, hi, Pop. What
do you want to do?
Give the neighborhood
a free show?
Uh, I'm sorry. I forgot
the window was open.
Naked in the window.
Who are you? Get out of here!
Get dressed.
Wait, hold on. Hold on.
I gotta fix my straps.
My flags are flying here.
Well, fix 'em fast.
They're gonna be
here any minute.
I hope your date drives.
Yeah, well, listen.
These are classy gentlemen.
Don't do anything to
embarrass me in the back seat.
Well, you wouldn't get
embarrassed if you didn't
stare through the rearview
mirror the whole time.
I hear noises, I get curious.
It's them. I think so.
Who is it?
It's us.
If mine drives, I'm
gonna stare at you
the whole time.
Hello. Hello.
Hello. Hello.
How are you girls this evening?
Oh, just fine, thank you,
and how are you gentlemen?
Oh, just great.
Just great.
Well, we were certainly
surprised to hear from you.
Well, Kevin and I
were shooting pool
and we had to go, uh,
wash our hands and, uh...
we thought of you.
How sweet.
Ready for some
fun, Laverne, huh?
Fun's the word.
Well, now, where should we go?
Did you want to...?
Perhaps you'd
like a drink first?
Oh, yeah. We got some
beer in the bathroom. No.
Oh, no, we drank it all up.
Would you care for some milk?
We have flavor straws.
Uh, we like to keep that on.
You see, it keeps
the burglars out.
We'll protect you,
Laverne. Don't worry.
Hey, here!
Hold 'em. Hold 'em, Laverne.
I'll get help.
Hold 'em down.
Help!
Um, thanks for helping us, Pop.
We're okay now. Why
don't you go home?
Eh.
Should've killed them two bums.
Thought they were
gonna be gentlemen.
How could this have happened?
How?!
You don't know how?!
Naked in the window, that's how!
People are looking
at you walk by the...!
See it. They saw.
"Ha! Look at that!"
What a shock.
I didn't even know
accountants got excited.
The only reason
they went out with us
is because they thought
we were loosey-gooseys.
Now, why would they think that
we vo-de-oh-do on a first date?
The first date?
The first minute.
Maybe they smelled
that beer in my hair.
Hello.
Oh, it's you,
you-you masher, you!
I... Hi, there, hot stuff.
No, that was my mother.
Um... Yeah, that
sounds like tons of fun.
That, too.
And that... And that.
And that.
Yeah, yeah, that all sounds
like a barrel of laughs there,
but, uh, uh, before
we, uh, you know, uh,
we got to find out what
you heard about us.
Huh?
Oh, I see.
Uh, well, thank you very
much for that information,
you nerd-face!
And by the way, creep-head,
all you said makes
me sick, sick, sick!
Except possibly
that third thing there.
Brace yourself.
Our names and phone number
are on the men's room wall.
A men's room wall?!
At Vinny's Pool Hall.
Vinny's Pool Hall?!
It says, "If, uh,
you're looking for fun,
call Laverne and Shirley."
Oh, that's awful!
That's sick, sick!
I know. That's why
Kevin and Scott
thought we were
loosey-gooseys there.
Oh, that's terrible!
Ooh, I'll give them
loosey-gooseys.
Who you calling?
Lenny and Squiggy.
I'll give them 50 cents.
I'll go down there and
take our names off that wall.
They got dates.
I saw Lenny buying Sen-Sen.
Who? Carmine.
Forget it.
Carmine's got a
date with Lucille.
At this moment, he's
probably being attacked.
Who you calling?
Ha-ha, your father!
He'll go down there...
What, are you crazy?!
He'll set the whole
pool hall on fire!
What are we gonna do?!
Our name's on a men's room wall!
I don't know, I don't know!
But nobody makes
a joke out of me!
By the end of tonight,
our names are gonna
be off that wall there!
You said it!
Right!
What do you say, Vito?
Uh, want to shoot a few?
No, no, not tonight.
Uh, I have to go to
the little boys' room.
Yeah, yeah, me, too.
Uh, that beer ran
right through me.
Uh, there she blows.
Excuse me.
Free in there?
Sounds free.
Shh! Shh!
Oh!
You won, you won, you won.
Go ahead. It's empty.
Uh, no, we just came to wash up.
Hey, you guys, uh, check out
the blonde at the candy machine?
No, hot number.
I took her out last night.
We got you.
Say no more.
I took her out by the viaduct.
Way to go.
Say no more, say no more.
You know what she did?
Uh, say no more, for cry...!
Uh, you better go out there.
I saw her talking
to a sailor there.
Yeah? A swabbie.
Thanks. You're all right.
Let's just find our names
and get out of here.
"If you got boots,
you got Bessy."
"There was a young
hermit named Dave, who..."
Ah, look, they
smeared the rest of that.
Here we are!
In big, bold
letters, right here.
Okay, here's the
soap and the rag.
Now, get it off. I'll watch.
Look at this, will you?
They spelled
"Shirley" with a "U."
Who cares? Just wipe it off!
I got Laverne...
It's a good thing for you I'm
wearing my dress-up jacket!
Oh, jeez!
Am I tired of getting
pushed around in this place!
You, too, huh? Especially
in front of our dates!
Yeah, that's
ridiculous. Me, too.
But I'll tell you something:
that's the last time.
Starting now, I'm
throwing my weight around.
Out of my way.
Move over, bub. I
want to comb my hair.
Get lost.
It's a lucky thing for you I'm
wearing my dress-up jacket.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, don't we know you
two guys from someplace?
I don't think so. Now, beat it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I seen your
face on somebody else's body.
I know who it is.
Hey, it's Nick and Phil
from the bowling alley, right?
What are you talking about?
That's Barney and
Jack from the brewery.
Uh, Barney's got no
teeth and Jack is a Negro.
I'm not talking about black
Jack. I mean white Jack.
White Jack don't
work at the brewery.
Fellas. Fellas! He did
work in the brewery.
Shut up!
It's us!
I told you it was
Nick and Phil. Ah.
Fellas.
It's Nick and Laverne.
Ah.
Fellas, it's me. It's Shirley!
Shirley and Laverne!
Shirley and Laverne!
Sure. Ooh, wow!
Oh!
What are you doing here?!
Are you crazy?!
This is, this is
a place for men.
It's like a club.
Is no place sacred?
Shut up! We just came in here
to get our names
off the wall. That's all.
Yeah, don't you tell anybody
that you saw us in here.
That's right.
I guess Hector really
fixed your wagon, huh?
Hector did this?
Yeah, yeah.
I can tell that pinhead's
scrawl a mile away.
Hickey Hector Kestenbaum?
No, General Hector Kestenbaum.
Yeah, of course!
Look, well, uh, you
two stand guard outside
while we wipe the
rest of this off the wall.
No.
Get out! Ah!
All right, all
right, we're going.
Where'd you get those
stupid-looking clothes?
From the bottom of your closet.
Just get out.
How you doing?
Ah, I think... There!
That puts an end
to heavy breathers.
Come on. Let's go.
Okay. Uh, what are we
gonna do about Hector, though?
What we should've
done all along.
Hit him with a bag of marbles?
No.
We're gonna do
what we should do.
We're gonna tell him the truth:
that we don't want
to go out with him.
What if he doesn't get it?
Then you'll beat his brains out.
Hiya, tootsie. How's...?
Get in there!
And, uh, to what do I
owe the pleasure...?
Sit!
Yeah, I'll just make
myself comf... Quiet!
What gives?
Look, Hector,
we know what you did to
us down at the pool hall,
and Laverne here's got a good
mind to wring your scrawny neck.
Oh, wow.
Well, you know, you girls
were pretty unfair to me.
I mean, always being
busy on Saturday.
Okay, Hector, listen
up and listen up good.
I never coughed on my dress.
No? No.
And Laverne's wisdom
teeth don't grow back.
You see, we just
made up those things
because we never
wanted to go out with you.
And we still don't want
to go out with you, ever.
How about Friday?
I mean, he just doesn't listen!
You don't understand! He
just doesn't... Wait a minute.
I knew you girls didn't
love me or nothing.
But I didn't know
you hated my guts.
Forget it.
I'll just fall off and
die somewhere.
Sit.
He... He...
He... He... Hector...
we don't hate you.
You won't go out with me.
There's a real
good reason for that.
Yeah, a real good reason.
Yeah?
Well, you see, Hector,
we think of you as a friend.
And-and you know what happens
when you start dating a friend.
No.
Shirl, what happens when
you start dating a friend?
When you start dating a friend,
you can't be friends any longer.
And, uh, Laverne and
I were talking it over,
and we decided that we didn't
want to do anything that might
interfere with our friendship
that we have with you.
Right, Laverne?
Oh, well put there.
We're friends, huh?
Gosh, I never had
a girl friend before.
Well, I had a girlfriend,
but not a girl friend.
I had a girl turtle once.
Oh, girl turtle.
That's sweet.
Gee, this is fun.
Oh. Hey, I got a lot
of wiping off to do.
I put your names in
a lot of men's rooms.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Not to worry.
I would never do
anything to hurt you.
My friends.
We said we were gonna
be totally honest with him,
and we wound up
lying to him again.
How can you be
totally honest with a guy
who's gonna crawl away and die?
Yeah.
So, we're his friends.
You, me and a turtle.
Well, we did the
best we could, huh?
Girls have always had to
tell little white lies to guys.
Yeah, and we're getting
pretty good at it, you know?
Listen, you!
We've just about had
it with you, you masher!
The next time you call here,
Laverne and I are
gonna sic the cops on you!
Boy, is your father mad.
♪ We're gonna do it ♪
♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪
♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪
♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪
♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪
♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪
♪ For me and you. ♪