Laverne & Shirley (1976–1983): Season 2, Episode 6 - Look Before You Leap - full transcript

Laverne tries to remember the events of a wild night when she wakes up with morning sickness and fears she may be pregnant.

♪ One, two, three, four ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight ♪

♪ Schlemiel, Schlimazel,
Hasenpfeffer Incorporated. ♪

We're gonna do it! ♪

♪ Give us any
chance, we'll take it ♪

♪ Read us any
rule, we'll break it ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪

♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna
turn us back now ♪

♪ Straight ahead
and on the track now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
our dreams come true ♪



♪ Doin' it our way ♪

♪ There is nothing
we won't try ♪

♪ Never heard the
word "impossible" ♪

♪ This time there's
no stopping us ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪

Laverne and Shirley is filmed
before a studio audience.



Come on out here.

Come on... Oh.

Food coming up!

Oh... oh... Stay
in bed, Laverne.

I made you breakfast.

Darn that fork.

Look out, emergency, emergency!

Oh! What happened?

There's been a cave-in. Oh!

Come on.

Ah!

Oh!

Air!

Bring me air!

Excuse me, what are they doing?

The boys were
playing coal mine again,

and the rope broke.

Let go of my ears, you jerk.

Lenny, just get
him out of there.

Get me out of...

That was my breakfast.

Put it back. When you
leave, use the door.

Look, if I've told
you guys once,

I've told you a thousand times,

there is no coal
in the dumbwaiter.

Shirl! Shirl! Yes? Yes?

Shirley Feeney, let
me ask you something.

How could you do
something like this? Do what?

Oh, come on, don't deny it.

Rosie Greenbaum's been
calling up the whole world.

Everybody in this neighborhood
knows you're in trouble!

Shh...

Carmine, this is not
what you think it is.

Well, if it's not what I
think it is, why are you going

to see a Dr. Fishburn?

Isn't he one of those
doctors that delivers babies?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

Oh... you sure do
hear a lot of neat gossip

down here in the mine shaft.

You see? You see
how rumors get started?

All right, all right, yes,

I did want
Dr. Fishburn's number.

However, it's not for me.

It's for a friend of
a friend of a friend

of mine.

Shirl, Dr. Fishburn
can't see me, he's...

Whoa...!

What are you "oh" ing about?

We heard that, uh,
you was gonna have...

puppies.

Shirl?

No, I didn't say anything!

Hey, hey, hey, I, I
heard it, I heard it

from Rosie Greenbaum,
and from what she told me,

I... I thought it was Shirl.

And from what you told me,
uh, we thought it was you.

Oh, get rid of them,
get rid of them, here.

Look, everybody, you're
going to have to leave now.

I'm sorry. Yeah,
Shirley is right.

Come on, fellas, let's go.

No... Hey, look,
uh, angel face, uh,

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I didn't mean to
jump to conclusions.

Look, if you need any help,

just call on the Big
Ragu, huh? Okay.

Carmine, this isn't
what you think it is.

Oh. Keep it under
your hat, will you?

Oh, sure, sure.

Okay, you two clowns,
let's go, out of here.

Come on.

Wait a minute, who
died and made you boss?

I did. LENNY: Now
I got to take orders

from a dead man.

Mrs. Babish? Yeah.

Could I talk to
you for a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, those stupid idiots,
they think they're so smart.

Yeah.

Imagine, thinking something
like that about Laverne.

It's terrible.

Some people.

What is the problem?

We think Laverne is pregnant.

That's what I thought it was.

How did this happen?

Uh, I mean, I know how.

I mean why,

when, what, how?
Well, we're not sure,

but we think it was a month ago

at Max Shotz's birthday party.

Oh, the big honcho
at the brewery?

Right, right, uh...

the party went on until
all hours of the morning,

and I didn't get home
until 3:00 a.m. myself.

I remember. And, uh...

That's the night you
fell down the steps.

Yes, yes.

Anyway, um... Laverne
stayed at the party

to try and win this
dumb chug-a-lug contest,

and she didn't get home
till 6:00 in the morning.

Was she hung over!

Did I tell you I met
this terrific guy tonight?

Oh, that cute Mr. Kenmore
from accounting?

Was he there?

No, no, it wasn't him.

It was a guy I've
never seen before.

He must have been
one of those crashers.

Uh, he took me for a
little walk around the vats,

you know, to clear my head?

Boy, I really liked him.

And he really liked me, too.

He kept saying, "You know, baby,

you're beautiful when
you're chugging brew."

Wasn't that nice of him?

That was real pretty.

Yeah.

What is this?

Your back's sopping wet.

Oh... Ugh!

Did you pass out in a gutter?

I did not pass out in a gutter!

I passed out in the vats.

Don't ever do it; it's really
dank and dark in there.

This must be burned.

No!

I'll rinse it out later.

Oh, did I tell you?

I was taking a little
nap in the vats there,

I had this really wild dream.

Oh!

That one about Julius La
Rosa doing your toenails?

No, no, this was another one.

Uh, this one was about me

and this Jim what's-his-
name getting married.

Oh... married.

Yeah. Nice.

Just the two of us.

Me and him.

In the vats.

Nice, short ceremony.

Then, we went on our honeymoon.

Honeymoon?

Yeah. Oh, where did you go?

It seemed like Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls is nice.

Yeah, must have been all
that beer rushing around.

What did you, uh, do
on your honeymoon?

What do most people
do on their honeymoons?

Whoo...!

Yeah, he was real nice.

Too bad it was a dream.

How did it happen? How?

Okay, all right, I'll
help you here, now.

What? What? Just think.

Okay, you're in the
vats. We're in the vats.

And... Me and the
cutie in the vats.

Water rushing around.
Me and the cutie.

Rushing around
water. Jim is his name.

Lot of that. Jim, Jim... Okay.

What happened? I don't
know, what happened?

Okay. We're chug-a-lugging.

Chug-a-lugging. All right.

Chug-a-lugging,
okay! Yes, the contest.

Who was there?

Me. You.

Yeah. And who?
Who were the fellas?

Uh, the guys, uh, from
the payroll department.

Oh, uh, Black Jack and Gar...

Yeah, they were there.

Both of them, all
of them were there.

And then, then, I
don't remember.

Remember.

What happened?
Think. I don't remember

what happened. Think,
think. What happened?

Okay, now... Oh,
okay, I won the contest...

You won the contest,
okay. Yeah, I won.

Uh, uh, I won!

You won? I won the contest!

I won, yes, and they wanted

to make me an honorary
guy... Yeah. So...

They gave you the shorts!
They gave me the shorts!

Whoo! Oh, you see?

You see there?

You know, for a minute,
I... well, never mind.

Never you mind. Ha, ha.

Yeah, but don't worry, there.

I'm telling you,
nothing happened.

I'm sure of it.

I'm sure.

I'm sure nothing happened.

Anyway, we didn't
think any more about it

until Laverne started
getting this sickness

in the mornings
and, uh... Oh, I see.

Well, I don't know why I'm
bothering you with all this.

Laverne and I are
handling it rather well.

Does she know for sure yet?

No...

Well, since this
Dr. Fishburn is on vacation,

do you know
another gynecologist?

No... Has Laverne
told her father yet?

No...

I guess we're not handling
this too well, are we?

No.

Listen, I know a
great gynecologist.

Dr. Goodwin.

He delivered all
five of my kids,

and if I call him,

I know that he'll see
Laverne right away.

Oh, really?

And not only that.

The best part is he gives you
cloth gowns instead of paper.

Oh, wow.

Listen, and another
thing, Shirley.

I think Laverne
should tell her father.

Before he hears about
it from somebody else.

It's terrible to hear something

like that on the street.

That's how I found
out about my first baby.

Listen, I'm going to call
Dr. Goodwin right now.

Oh, okay.

If there's anything else you
need, just call me, all right?

All right. Mrs. Babish?

Yeah?

Aw... Thank you.

I dug the car out.

Do me a favor, will you?

The next time you park it,

remember to put
the top up, okay?

I'm sorry; I've had a
lot on my mind lately.

Look... I know you're scared.

I'm not scared. You're not?

No, I just want to get
this whole thing over with.

All right, I'm a little scared.

Look, let's just go
see Dr. Goodwin, huh?

No, no, no. Come
on, let's go now.

Let's go now. No,
not, not right now, no.

Sit down.

Your appointment isn't
for an hour and a half.

You can't sit around an
office full of expectant mothers.

They'll hate you...

You'll be the only one
there who can cross her legs.

I don't want to be pregnant.

I'll gain so much weight.

I'll be fat.

No one will date me.

Good one.

Why are you laughing
at me at a time like this?

I'm just trying to
cheer you up, that's all.

Look at the bright
side of things.

Where?

You might not be. Yeah.

Yeah, and you said yourself

that the fellas were making
you an honorary man,

so they gave you those shorts.

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know anymore,

but what else could possibly
make me sick every morning?

Hello.

Okay, now I've gone
with you as far as I can go.

The rest is up to you,

and the best to
your manly ability.

Okay, good-bye, we
don't have time for this,

now get out. Chop,
chop, chop, chop. Shirley.

This is real live stuff
here. Now, Laverne

and Lenny would
like to be left alone.

So maybe we could, uh, step
into the bedroom together?

Are you crazy? All right!

Don't sass me, woman! Come on!

What is going on there?

He ain't going to
hurt her, Laverne.

Well, he better not, if he
knows what's good for him.

What do you want?

Maybe you ought to
sit down, huh, Laverne?

Len, I can make it
the rest of the way.

Oh, okay.

I like your hat.

Oh, thanks, I like your... tie.

Well?

Uh, I can't stay too long

on account of I
got to be at, uh,

at work by 11:00, you know?

I mean, I got this
humongous pile

of beer kegs that's got
to go out to Green Bay

before tomorrow
or else I'm gonna be

in a lot of trouble,
I can tell you that.

Uh, Len, Len. Why
don't you sit down here?

Oh, sure. You're making
me a little dizzy there.

Okay. Just right here?
Okay. Yeah, right here.

Just here. Nice.

Better? Yeah, much better.

Now, what were you saying?

Well, me and Squiggy
were talking, see?

Yeah. And we know
all about your plight.

And, um...

well, we decided your kid
ought to have a last name.

Huh? Yeah, on account of

if he don't, the poor little

guy's never going
to get any mail.

What are you trying to say, Len?

Okay. Well, me and
Squiggy flipped a coin...

to decide which of us would

volunteer to be your husband.

Aw, and you lost, huh?

No, I won.

Now, Kosnowski's a
pretty good name, Laverne.

Uh... see, I had it
practically all my life.

My grandfather told me it means

"Help, there's a
hog in my kitchen."

That's nice.

You know, there's a lot
you don't about me, Laverne.

I mean, I'm-I'm
a pretty deep guy.

Listen, Len. Len? Laverne.

Where? What? No, here.

Yeah, you stay down...
Okay. Okay, we'll all...

We'll both stay down.
Okay. Okay, uh...

What I'm trying to
say is that even though

I've always been a big swinger
and everything, and, uh...

and you know, uh, never
wanted to settle down

or nothing, you know,
the famous Lone Wolf...

Yeah, I remember that.

Well, I just want you
to know that I'm going

to buckle down, I'm going
to take the dispatcher's test.

I'm going to make a good living.

Plus, I'll practically

never hit you or nothing.

And, anyway, I-I like you,

and I'd like you to marry me.

Len? Yeah?

Come up here where
I can see your face.

You big dope.

Oh, I'm real flattered

that you asked me
to marry you here.

But I can't accept.

How come?

Well, I've been thinking a lot

about getting
married lately and...

Well, I don't
even know if I'm...

I don't even know if I did.

I don't want to get married
just because I'm in trouble.

I mean, it wouldn't
be fair to you,

it wouldn't be fair to me,

and it wouldn't be fair to
the good name of Kosnowski.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I think I got you.

But I want you to know

you're a great friend, Len,

and a real sweet guy. Thanks.

What happened to you? Squiggy
shove snow down your back?

No. He told me what
Lenny was gonna do.

I think that's the most
beautiful, wonderful,

adorable thing I've ever
heard of in my whole life.

What did you tell him?

I told him I would marry him.

You told him you
would marry him.

Are you crazy?

Oh, I was just kidding you.

See, I was trying
to cheer you up.

See?

Don't do that.

Shirl, come on,
let's go to the doctor.

It's time for my appointment
now, okay? Yes, I know,

but I have something
to... Who is that?

That is probably your father.

What? What, are you crazy?

What is he doing here?

Ah, fair question,
fair question.

Uh, I think...

And Mrs. Babish
agrees with me...

That you ought to tell your
father about your problem.

Are you crazy? He'll kill me!

Look, do you want him to
find out FRANK: Hello in there!

On the streets from
a stranger? Hello?

Yes. That'll be better.

Let him kill them, not me.

No, Laverne. Get rid
of him, get rid of him!

Oh!

Hi!

Oh, my, my, aren't we a mess?

Look at that.

What happened to you?

The chef quit. No!

He threw a pizza in my face.

Now I got to...
Want a pepperoni...

What are you, a cheese...?

Ah, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

Why on earth would Tony quit?

The bum says he
can't understand me.

Really? Yeah. Laverne in there?

Yes, she is. I got
to see Laverne.

Laverne! Okay.

Don't hit her.

Hail Mary, full of grace,

don't let him hit
her in the face.

Muffin!

Something wrong?

You want to talk?

All right, when you
feel like talking, call me.

I got to go back
to the Pizza Bowl.

Pop? Yeah?

I want to talk.

So talk.

Everything's a mess, Pop.

Who are you talking?
To me or the wall?

There, that's
better. What is it?

I can't.

Come on.

Nothing can be so
bad. Tell me, what is it?

Pop, I think I'm pregnant.

You think? You're not sure?

I just think.

Listen, Muffin...

I want you to
understand one thing.

I love you very
much, understand?

Me and you... Family.
Famiglia. Close.

When you hurt, I hurt.

Something bothers you,
it bothers me, understand?

I love you.

Now I've got to yell.

How can anybody so
smart be so stupid?!

I want to know how?!

A dummy!

I'm going to... I'm
going to go get him!

I'll make a pepperoni...
I'll break his...

It's okay, it's okay.

Who's the father?

You don't know him.

It doesn't matter,

I'm never going
to see him again.

Italian?

I don't know.

I'm sorry, Pop.
Please don't hate me.

No, what, "hate you"?

Hate you? I love you.

You're my family,
you're me. I'm you.

Don't worry about it.

You're going to see a doctor?

Yeah, Shirl's waiting
for me now to take me.

Come on. Go ahead.

Get dressed.

Here, put on this hat.

All right.

Put the coat on.

I-I need a sleeve first.

Remember the last
time we did this?

Yeah, when I was a little girl.

Yeah, hide the peanut.

Where's the peanut?

Hey! That's it.

It's all right, sweetheart.

Ah! Look at your nose.

Pop, you got to
open your fingers.

All right.

You know, you go to
the doctor, you find out.

Either way, I want
to know. All right?

Thanks, Pop.

Ooh.

♪ ♪

Really?!

All right, Jack!

Give me a C there!

♪ A-llelujah! ♪

♪ Allelujah! ♪

♪ Allelujah!
Allelujah! Allelujah! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ We're gonna do it ♪

♪ On your mark,
get set and go now ♪

♪ Got a dream, and
we just know now ♪

♪ We're gonna make
that dream come true ♪

♪ And we'll do it our
way, yes, our way ♪

♪ Make all our
dreams come true ♪

♪ For me and you. ♪